Impromptu Prayer Closet

My new roommate should be moving in, in about a week or so.  While that’s a cause for much celebration on the whole financial side of life, it’s been a big source of stress to me for the past couple of weeks.  Instead of being wise and just staying in the room I’d been living in, I decided I had too much space (and too much junk to fill that space), and I moved into the smaller bedroom.  Of course, I did this a few months ago, which meant the larger bedroom in my apartment (which was never really properly cleaned anyway) became a large storage area.  So for the past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to clean the disastrous mess.  And since I had no room to put things, my current bedroom (the whole rest of the apartment, really) has become a veritable maze of boxes, bags, and general chaotic MESS.

 
I finally inched my way through most of the mess in my old room, the large room.  I was dreading the final step: the CLOSET.  This closet is what most people would consider small, but dude, when I moved into this apartment after having to live in the Seminary dorms (I’m convinced those dorms are intended for single ladies who are going into missions in foreign lands—they prepare you for ANYTHING) for a year and a half (not to mention the college dorms I’d lived in earlier), that closet might as well have been a portal to Narnia.  It’s only a walk-in closet in a technical sense, but it’s the biggest closet I’d ever really had.  And in the six years that I had access to that closet, I trashed it.  This is what I do when I have too much space (and too much junk to fill that space).  I trash it.  Hence my desire for smaller space and less stuff.

 Well, I finally made my way to the closet.  I basically took a trash bag (or seven) and tossed most of the memorabilia I’d been saving for God only knows what reason.  I’m not sure why I thought I was going to treasure that ticket stub to Harry Potter 4 forever and ever, but now that thing is in the dumpster where it belongs—along with a lot of other junk I have no idea why I was keeping.

I got to the bottom of the mess and finally only had a few stray items lingering on the floor.  I saw a journal and figured it was either full of emo drivel from college, or it was one with clean pages I had not yet tainted with my current emo drivel.

 But when I opened it, I had to laugh—not in that “oh my gosh look how emo my drivel was” sort of way, but in a pleasant sort of way.  It was a “journal” I’d written before and during my two-week mission trip to Thailand back in the summer of 2007.  I know I’ve grown a LOT since then (not physically—I’ve actually shrunk physically.  My pants from back then would almost fit two of the current me), but it’s interesting how the things I was learning then are things that encourage me now.

 I’ve been so stressed out this week.  It’s not just been the CHAOS of trying to find room for things that I deem more important than old movie ticket stubs.  It’s been everything.  I’ve been cranky at work—at ALL my jobs.  I told one of my co-workers, “I JUST WANT A REAL JOB!” And the way I said it reeked of hopelessness…and just general whininess.

 I don’t have health insurance.  I should be thankful I’m healthy (the phlebotomists from my friendly neighborhood American Red Cross keep taking my blood, so apparently there aren’t any red flags popping up in their system—so I take that to mean I’m not dying of anything…besides life, which eventually kills us all—and in a blog full of unnecessary and rambling parenthetical statements, this is probably the most unnecessary and rambling of them all).  I don’t have a nine-to-five job with predictable hours.  I should be thankful I’m able to have and keep multiple jobs that I like—in an economy where a lot of people are out of work altogether.  I don’t have a rich husband.  I should be thankful I’m able to make a peanut butter sandwich for dinner and not have to worry about feeding my rich husband his fancy-schmancy rich people food.  Okay, so if I had a rich husband, I’d hire a cook to make us fancy-schmancy rich people food, but I digress.

 The thing is, while reading that old journal, I came across some really encouraging, really true stuff.  I reminded myself 1) of God’s faithfulness,  2) that I don’t have anything to prove to anyone,  3) that it doesn’t matter if I fail; God will not fail.

 And as I was reading it, a playlist was playing on my borrowed, obsolete laptop (which, incidentally, I’m grateful to have at my disposal).  I had forgotten it was on, since I was so engrossed in the things I’d written in that journal.  But the words of one particular song seemed to get louder, demanding my attention:

 And if you are wondering if I’m around,

I have never left your side. 
You are never by yourself. 
No you are not alone tonight. 
So, now don’t you let your heart be troubled. 
The peace I bring to you is not of this world. 
I set your mind at ease. 
I quiet down your soul. 
I give you peace. 
Don’t let your heart be troubled.
(from “Don’t Let Your Heart Be Troubled” by Mitch McVicker)

 I’ve been so overwhelmed by fears of the future.  And by that I mean both big and small things.  Like, I’m afraid of dealing with simple things like getting rid of the excessive furniture in my apartment (the new roommate has nicer stuff).  I don’t even have a working camera so I can put pictures up on Craigslist.  But I’ve arranged to borrow a camera.  If need be, I can suck it up and get a storage unit for a while until I figure things out.  Basically—I need to chill out about the small things and remember my new mantra: IT IS WHAT IT IS.

 For the bigger things, well, hmm.  The former me preached a small sermon to the current me through the pages of that old journal.  I was talking about all the talents God’s given me and all the things people have tried to get me to pursue with those talents.  And I wrote something about how all of my talents can be used to entertain and teach children, and how awesome of an opportunity it is to get to help shape their little hearts and minds.  And I wrote about how my having a real job would just be a crime, because after all, I’m a free (indeed) spirit.

 I have no idea what the future will bring.  This year has brought so much change, and it’s going to bring more.  And you know what, next year will bring a lot of change, too, because change happens constantly.  I don’t like change.  I like to hold on to things like ticket stubs or whatever because I don’t like moving forward.  But sometimes you just have to get in that closet and dig through the junk of the past—and just accept that life isn’t what it used to be.  It is what it is.  And sometimes the things that really matter from the past will sneak up on you when you least expect it and remind you of the things that are important.

 My little (sort-of) walk-in closet (AKA currently inactive Narnia portal) became something I didn’t expect tonight.  In the midst of the chaos I was dreading, I found some unexpected peace.  And my closet became a prayer closet as I allowed the presence of God to calm me, to remind me that I’m His.

Never too Small

One of the greatest things about babysitting for families that go to my church is that when the kids see me on Sunday morning, it’s like I’m a celebrity.  Sometimes the kids run up and hug me, which is awesome.  It’s also awesome when they see me and hide behind their parents, saying in an awe-struck voice, “Look, Mommy!  It’s Miss Ruth.”  Then they smile shyly and wave at me, as if I’m just too amazing for them to approach.  Sometimes kids I watch see and hear me sing in the church choir or on praise team, and sometimes that really makes me seem like a celebrity to them.  But I’m not up there to be seen or heard.  In fact, up until these past few months, I’ve really had some mixed feelings about singing in front of people.

I know my voice is pretty good.  I also know that I can’t take any credit for that.  My voice isn’t something I created within myself.  And even though I’ve been blessed to be a part some pretty amazing choirs over the years, I can’t even claim that I’ve studied voice or music all that intensively.  So I know very well that my voice is another gift for which I can’t take credit.  But for several years, I feared that I would become vain or egotistical or self-conscious, etc., if I showed anyone that I had any real vocal talent.  I love to sing and to praise God through music, but I didn’t want worship to become tainted in any way.  And so I sang in choir and did what I was told—if I knew there was really a need for me to help out on a vocal team or if someone asked me to sing a solo, I’d do it.  The principle behind that was that I was serving by doing something that was needed and not just singing because I thought I had something worth sharing.

I really believe that’s what God wanted for me then.  I don’t think there was anything sinful with me taking care to ensure that my worship was as pure as possible.  But in the past several months, there’s been a shift in my attitude towards worship—and not just singing or music.  God’s been showing me that if He’s given me gifts, He’s given them to me for a reason.  I don’t have to be afraid to share those gifts because they don’t really belong to me. I still want to be careful that the focus of worship is always on God, but it’s time that I use the gifts He’s given—not so I’ll shine, but so that I’ll reflect His light.

So lately, I’ve been singing in public a lot—and the kids I watch have taken notice.

The other day in church, I saw one of the girls I had watched during the week.  Her face lit up when she saw me, and she exclaimed, “MISS RUTH!” I told her how pretty her dress was, and she smiled.  Then she asked in an awe-struck voice, “Are you going to sing again this morning?”

I knew what she meant.  She was asking if I was going to be up on the stage with a microphone in my hand.  As a matter of fact, I was on praise team that morning, but my reply to her would have been the same even if I were just sitting on a chair in the congregation.  “Oh, yes!  I’m going to sing! I love to sing!” I said.  Then I asked her, “Are you going to sing?”

She shook her head as if I’d said something ridiculous.  “NOO!  I’m too little to sing!”

I said, “Girl, you can never be too little to sing!”

And after the service I saw her and asked her if she had sung.  She said, “I only knew one of the songs, but I sang it!”  That made my heart smile.

Later on that same afternoon, I decided to watch “The Nativity Story.”  I had ordered it in the mail for cheap and it had just arrived a few days earlier, so naturally, because it was new, I wanted to open it up and watch it immediately.  That’s how I roll. 

I was watching the movie, the retelling of Christ’s birth and the surrounding circumstances, marveling once more in how the God of the universe came down in the form of a human—and not just any human.  He was a weak and needy baby, born not of a wealthy queen, but a lowly carpenter’s wife.  God chose for His fleshly introduction to take place in a stable, with shepherds as His first visitors. 

As I was watching the dramatized events unfold, I kept thinking about what the angels told the shepherds.  “Glory to God in the highest, and peace on earth to men on whom His favor rests.”  A repeated theme in the movie was that Jesus came for the wise ruler and the poor slave.  And it occurred to me, again, that all of humanity is in the same state.  We’re all wretches.  We’re all slaves.  We’re all in need of God’s salvation.  And none of us can claim any talent or worth of our own.

None of us can claim glory—even though we try.  None of us are worthy of it.  Yet God desires us, from the richest to the poorest, to give Him glory.

If you know me well or if you’ve been reading my blog since last Christmas, you might remember that every Christmas season, I choose a word to describe the focus I wish to have for the upcoming year.  And if you know me well or if you’ve been reading my blog since last autumn, you might remember that my Christmas season begins somewhere around September.  As soon as I start seeing pumpkins and falling leaves, I start thinking about Christmas.  So even if everyone else is still in Halloween mode, I’m already thinking about Christmas and for my focus for the upcoming year.

In the past, the words I focused on were Joy, Peace, and Hope.  I thought about how these elements played into the Christmas story—about how the Magi saw the Star, the sign of the fulfilled promise, and rejoiced with exceeding joy.  I thought about how God had come down to us in order to make peace with us—to us who had rebelled against Him.  I thought about Hope, about how depraved and dark and worthless we all would be if God had not provided Himself to be our salvation.  I thought about how amazing and hopeful life is with Christ and with all His glorious promises. 

This is the year of Hope.  I’ve had some pretty cool victories this year.  I’ve had some failures.  Many things have changed.  Some things haven’t.  Some things have been hard.  Some things have hurt.  And yet, even in the midst of the seasonal depression that attacks me every fall, I can’t help but look around me and think, “God is working in me and through me and He is about to do something amazing in my life that is beyond my wildest dreams.”  Hope.  It’s not just a feeling or a wish.  It’s something tangible.  And this has truly been my year of Hope.  I’ve learned to Hope in Christ and not in myself.  Yes, that’s going to continue to be a lesson.  It’s a lifelong lesson.  But in the past few months, God’s changed my way of thinking, and I finally GET IT that it’s not me, but Him working through me.  And I’m so excited about what He’s going to do with me and the talents He’s given me.  One thing is for sure, I can’t keep them to myself anymore.  It wasn’t a sin to hide them then, but it would be now.  It’s not time to shine—it’s time to reflect the One who shines.

Which (finally) brings me to my point.  It’s close enough to Christmas that I feel as though I can announce my word for 2013.  I’ve actually known it since Christmas last year, but I wanted to be sure.  And, well, I am sure.  I don’t think I could really understand Hope until I could understand Peace.  And I don’t think I could really understand Peace until I could understand Joy (as much as I can really understand any of those things).  And this next Christmas season, this next year (my years run from Christmas to Christmas—I’m only a week off from the rest of the world, so back off!  :-P), my word, my focus is going to be something I couldn’t understand until I had a general grasp of Hope, Peace, and Joy.

            Glory.

To be honest, I really don’t know what this word means.  I’m not sure that I ever will.  I plan on learning a little more about it—maybe reading some books, such as The Weight of Glory by C. S. Lewis.  I have done some minimal research just by looking the word up in some basic reference materials.  The dictionary wasn’t really helpful.  The idea of Glory is too weighty to be encompassed in a few words on a page.  I also looked in the thesaurus.  At first, this didn’t seem very helpful, either.  It seemed that every synonym the thesaurus provided only scratched the surface of what Glory really means.  But when I read the antonyms, I realized something.

Baseness.  Meanness.  These are antonyms to the word “glory.”  When I see these words, I don’t just think about lowly things, I think about the lowest possible things.  Base.  Mean.  Small.  Insignificant.  Worthless.  Depraved.  And if the lowest possible things are referred to by a word that means the opposite of Glory, then Glory must refer to the highest possible thing.  Something complete.  Something big.  Something so beyond comprehension by someone base like me.

This past year, God has taught me much.  I’ve had a lot of remarkable opportunities to share my talents with others, and I believe there are going to be more opportunities to come.  I believe God is doing something with me that I can’t possibly imagine, something wonderful, something good.  Whether it's big or small, it's going to be His work, and I'm blessed to be part of it.  I believe He’s doing this in me now because I’ve finally learned the things He’s been teaching me, which will provide the basis for things He wants to teach me in the future.  And I’m ready to learn.  I’m ready to give, knowing that nothing I has is mine to give anyway.  It’s His.  He’s just given it to me for me to use for His Glory. 

The thing is, we’re all really little.  We’re all base.  But God came down to us as a weak, lowly infant.  He knew we could never come to Him, so He came to us.  He knew we could never be like Him, and so He became like us.  He came to make Peace with us.  He came to bring us Hope.  He came so that we could have Joy.  And He deserves the Glory, and He desires us to give Glory to Him, and He enables us to give Glory to Him.

Because it doesn’t matter how small we are. 

            We’re never too small to sing. 

 

 

Stinkin Thinkin Starts Young

There's child  I know that really is a happy child.  He knows how to play with toys and have fun with friends.  He has smiled and laughed in my presence.  He has danced to music and has played outside on the slide.  These wonderful moments have to be caught here and there, because while this child has moments of being happy, most of the time he cries.

Even though this child is really young, I've been able to see what's going on inside his head.  The child will start to allow himself to play and have fun, but then will remind himself that he doesn't want to be there.  He will remind himself that he would rather be with Mommy.  He will remind himself that he doesn't feel comfortable.  He might even be feeling guilty that he's enjoying things away from home.

And as a childcare provider, I have to keep gently reminding him that he's safe, that he's in a place where he's loved, that his friends are all having fun and that he can have fun, too.  I have to try to communicate to him that his neagtive thoughts aren't reasonable.

But as a human, I realize that I'm too much like that child.  I'll allow little things to gnaw at me, bringing on guilt and shame that really isn't at all reasonable.  I'll allow myself to get overwhelmed by things that aren't really that big of a deal.  I'll start looking around at what others have, and I'll start wondering what must be wrong with me if I don't also have those things.  And like that child I know, I'll rob myself of joy by letting myself get into the "stinkin thinkin" mindset.

I'm not sure who originally coined the phrase "stinkin thinkin," but I'll always remember it as being a trademark statement from one of my college professors, who was also my work study boss.  This man was one-of-a-kind.  He would come in from teaching, and I'd be grading papers.  He'd be singing some song about his sweetheart and put my name into it, then he'd look at me and say, "How are you today, love?  You aren't doing any of that stinkin thinkin, are you?"

And I'd say no, but in college, I figure "stinkin thinkin" was about all I did.  I'm probably going to always struggle with anxiety on some level, but in college it was pretty bad.  So I got a bunch of magic markers (I've said it before and I'll say it again, what's so magical about them?) and some cardstock, and I wrote Philippians 4:6-7 on it.  Then I hung it over my bed as a reminder to not be so anxious.  That's a pretty popular passage, but I'll post it here, along with the surrounding verses:

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. ⁶ Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
⁸ Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things."

This is a great passage, but lately I've found myself drawn less to verses 6-7, and more towards verse 8. 

There are so many things in this world that call for our attention and our thoughts.  And if I let myself believe all the lies of Satan--that I have to be perfect, that mistakes aren't tolerable, that people don't really know or love me, that I have to create my own worth apart from Christ...then I'll let myself get stuck in the trap of believing I'll never be good enough, and that there's no hope.

Satan is clever in that he gives us half-truths.  The thing is, I really never will be good enough.  But...there is SO much hope.  I don't have to be good enough.  My worth is in Christ.  And if I daily renew my mind, thinking, dwelling on whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, the things that are excellent and worthy of praise--then I'm not going to have room for Satan's lies.  Not even his half-truths.

If I'm honest with myself, the times when I allow myself to get the most depressed are the times when I'm most focused on myself.  There's not too much about  me that's excellent or praise-worthy.  It's when I dwell on serving others, on worshipping God, that I am most honoring to His Kingdom. 

The child in my class is learning that it's okay to think about good things.  I, too, am learning to remind myself of the truth, so I can leave that stinkin thinkin behind.

Good to Be Alive

(Edit: The song in the video at the end of this blog is available (for the week of 9/18/12) for free download at klove.com)

So still no internet at my apartment.  I really don't know WHEN that's going to happen, and honestly, I'm not worried about it.  I'm not worried about much of anything right now.  Maybe I should be, especially when I'm pretty much broke and don't know if I'll be able to keep paying my rent.  I'm just kind of at the place where I figure that if financial problems are my biggest problems, then I'm probably doing pretty well.  And even if I have to learn to function without stable internet access in a world that is run by people who have CONSTANT connections to their portable interwebz devices, well, I figure I might even have it better off than a lot of them.  And it's not like I'm destitute.  I drive down the road in a car that does what I want it to most of the time.  Some of my friends have to take the bus just to get to work.  And I could talk about the people who don't even have enough to eat, who live in slavery, etc.  Really, I've got it pretty dang good. 

But even with my current financial problems, I spent a relatively large sum of money on something nonessential the other day.  Lately, I've been really inspired by a lot of songs on KLOVE.  The most recent?  A song by Jason Gray called, "Good to Be Alive."  It's just a song of gratitude and praise--a song that focuses on how much God has given us, and how our response should be to give Him a "life well lived."  As I was listening to it one day, I thought, "This song really speaks to me.  A lot of songs speak to me.  And I have a lot of songs that I've written.  They aren't brilliant at all, but they're songs God's given me to write.  Why in the world am I not doing anything with them, especially when I know God wants me to do something with them."

I'm doing something with them now--taken a few beginning steps.  I've got a lot to learn and a lot to do, but I'm really hopeful that God's going to do some good things in me and through me. 

Anyway, just last week, I heard an announcement on KLOVE that Jason Gray was going to be playing a concert at a church about 45 minutes from where I live.  I don't believe in coincidence, and I knew that I was meant to go to that concert.  But...I had to work the night of the concert.  The concert wasn't expensive, but when I'm counting every single penny, it was more than I could really afford.  So the grown up in me said "You can't go" to the kid in me.

The thing is, the other local Christian radio station started announcing the concert, too.   Every time I turned on the radio, one of Jason Gray's songs was playing.  And I still knew I was meant to go to that concert. 

The day before the concert, I decided that if I didn't try to go, I'd be kicking myself later.  I made some phone calls and really had NO resistence in finding someone to cover my Saturday night shift.  And Saturday night shifts are the least desirable and almost impossible to get covered--especially last minute.  I sucked it up and spent the money on the concert.  And I went to hear Jason Gray sing.

The concert was more like a worship service than anything else.  I was standing there all alone--I couldn't find anyone to go with me, and really, I think that's how it was supposed to be.  Because I was in a room full of complete strangers, yet we were all pulled together by the words God had given Jason Gray to sing.  We were all pulled together by the unity of Christ.  I didn't know a soul in that room, but we were all sisters and brothers, worshipping together.  It was beautiful and freeing.  And during the intermission, I found myself jotting down potential song lyrics--because creativity breeds creativity.  And why shouldn't it?  God created us.  God inspires us to create, too.  I think the best music is the kind that makes me want to sing; the best story is the kind that makes me want to go write.

And after the concert, I spent even more money on a cd--just because Jason Gray's music is honest and inspiring--and I couldn't leave there without it.  Then I went up to where Jason Gray was signing autographs and I shook the man's hand.  I had a brief conversation with him--probably telling him things everyone tells him.  I don't know if I encouraged him at all, but I know I left there encouraged.

Right now, things are good.  I'm broke and still trying to figure out how to stay organized in my jobs...but life is so good.  I've been given so much.  And, yeah, I'm just grateful for the opporutnitiesI have to give, too.  It is good to be alive. 

...and this video is AWESOME:

Summer Update # Whatever This Is: It IS What It IS

Summer doesn’t officially end until near the end of September, but I don’t think a lot of people around here actually pay attention to such trivial things as the autumnal equinox. No, here seasons are defined by what is happening with school. When school starts, it’s no longer summer. It’s fall. And when kids stop talking about turkeys and start talking about snowmen, then it’s no longer fall. It’s winter. And when kids stop wishing for snow days and start talking about Easter Egg hunts, then it’s spring. And when school gets out, even though it’s technically still spring, people say it’s summer. So the calendar isn’t the boss anymore. Since the girls I watch a few afternoons a week have already begun the new school year, and since I’ve been planning for preschool all week, I guess I’m going to have to admit that the summer is gone. But since my first day of preschool isn’t until next week, I’m still calling this summer.


I didn’t update as much as I wanted to this summer. I still don’t have internet access at my apartment, and really, I’m not sure when that’s going to change. So even though the summer is over, I’m still not going to have a regular blogging schedule for a while. And that’s okay, because even if it’s not still summer, I’m still sort of in a summer frame of mind. And this summer was a summer of change. I’m still going through some transition. I figured I’d be through it already, but you know, I have no idea how long things are going to be changing. And really, when do things ever stop changing anyway?

I still need to find a roommate (or two). There still needs to be some work done (both cleaning and repair work) on the apartment, so I’m not sure when I’ll be able to advertise for a roommate. I have to pay rent in a few days, and I’m going to have to go further into debt in order to do that. I worried about it for a few hours, and then realized that worrying isn’t going to fix it.

I wanted to get a new teaching assistant job this school year. I wanted the security of a full time job. I wanted the pay rate of a full time job. I wanted health insurance. I wanted to stop doing so many jobs so I could have more time to write and do other things. Well, the teaching assistant job didn’t happen. Part of my problem is that I waited too long to apply, and part of my problem was that I didn’t go out and try to sell myself to the many schools in the area, and part of my problem is that I really just don’t think it was meant to be right now. So I’m going to keep working four jobs that pull me in different directions and often don’t give me the hours or income I need. I worried about it for a while, and then realized that worrying isn’t going to change anything.

I realized that since I waited so long to figure out stuff about a teaching assistant job, I wasn’t putting in as much effort as I needed to on my preschool job. I’m lead teacher this year, and while it’s not a huge deal, it does require quite a bit more responsibility than being just a preschool assistant teacher. I didn’t worry about this; I freaked out about it. And part of that was because I was still wanting to worry about finances and roommate situations and change change change. Then I threw some tantrums, calmed down, threw some more tantrums, calmed down, and realized that I was in a cycle of throwing tantrums and calming down. And to quote my friend Bonnie, I finally realized I just needed to CALM DOWN.

I tend to be an emotional person (no, really, you hadn’t noticed?), but lately things were just roller coastering out of control. And the other day when I was having a really good morning and something very small threatened to ruin my whole day, I had to ask myself why I was so upset over it. Satan’s been attacking me on an emotional level, and I finally told him to STOP IT. The thing about Satan is, he’s powerful, but for the Christian, he only has as much power as we give him. And I wasn’t going to give him any more power.

So I’ve adopted a new philosophy that’s really going to have to get me through this time of change: It is what it is, and what I can do is what I can do.

It’s not that I’m just throwing in the towel and saying that it doesn’t matter. What I’m saying is that worrying doesn’t do any good. It is what it is, and what I can do is what I can do. But it isn’t really all that bad when I think of how bad others have it, and I can actually do a lot if I stop whining about it and just do it. The preschool stuff is still going to take some responsibility, but if I just sit down and do it, one step at a time, it’s not hard. It just takes some work. Honestly, I could use something to force me to be organized. My finances are seriously messed up and I don’t know if my jobs are going to pay for everything that I need—especially since I still don’t have a roommate and don’t exactly know when I’m getting one. But now that I’ve moved all my stuff into the smaller room in my apartment, so that I can offer the larger room to a potential roommate or two, I’ve managed to simplify “my space” in a way that will actually be a lot more comfortable and functional for me. And God knows my job situations. He’s promised that if I seek Him and His Kingdom first, then all the other things I need will be provided. And if I stop worrying and thinking about myself, I can see that there are so many reasons why He still has me in the places where I am. There are people I can minister to in my secular jobs. There are children I can love on and coworkers to encourage in all of my jobs. There are people at all my jobs who are like family to me, and honestly, if I had left them, it would have broken my heart.

And one day I probably will leave these jobs, and if I do, it will break my heart. Because change is both good and bad. And sometimes change doesn’t look like how you expected it to look. And sometimes change takes longer than you think it will. But there are always things to be learned through it. And I should have known this season of change would be harder than I imagined it would—because I obviously need a lot of lessons.

I still don’t know what this year is going to bring. I do still believe that there is something amazing waiting for me on the other side of all this change. I do still believe there is much for which to hope. I do still believe that God is working all things together for good for those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose. I do still believe that even in the midst of financial problems and change, I am richly, deeply blessed. I do still believe that the fall, whenever it actually comes, is going to be a time of harvest. I do still believe that He’s doing something with me. I do still believe that He’s using me to bring His love to others. And if this change is something that will more greatly enable Him to work through me, then who am I to complain?

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Sometimes we struggle with knowing God’s will. We want to know His plans, all cleanly laid out, for the next decade of our lives. But the thing is, we already do know God’s will. He wants us to seek Him. He wants us to read His Word, pray, get to know His heart. He wants us to love one another. He wants us to look outside of ourselves and see what needs to be done where we are. And when I stop throwing tantrums and finally do just CALM DOWN, I can stop worrying about me me me, and start seeing others as God sees them. I can start seeing situations as God sees them. It’s funny, but when I stop focusing on myself, I can actually start seeing how God sees me.

I spent a lot of my younger years trying to shine. I failed a lot. I kept trying to cause myself to shine. But we aren’t meant to be able to shine. We’re just meant to reflect. We’re meant to reflect the One who shines. Then, only then, can we shine, too.

My reflections are still poor, but I’m learning.

Summer Update #2: Lessons from the Dog

I'm not exactly a dog person.  I love dogs, and pretty much any furry animal...that's not a tarantula...but I'm more of a cat person.  Cats are more my speed.  Feed them, give them water, give them a poo box.  That's all they need, really.  I mean, some of them are needier than others, but I've never really felt guilty about leaving a cat to fend for itself for a few hours.  Dogs?  They're always giving me guilt trips.

I've done some dog sitting this summer for a really awesome doggie named Max.  Max is a Schnoodle.  I love the Schnauzer in him; the poodle?  Well, hmm, yeah, I love the Schnauzer in him. 

I've dog sat many times before for a German Shepherd.  The main difference between a German Shepherd and a Schnoodle is that a Schnoodle could easily be carried off and eaten by a large carnivorous bird, whereas a German Shepherd might only be easily carried off and eaten by a large carnivorous dinosaur.  And given that difference, I'm pretty sure that Max has every right to be a scaredy-pup.  And he is.

I had to leave Max in his cage for a few hours yesterday while I went to work, and I felt guilty about it.  And then I felt even guiltier about it because it started thundering and I was worried that would freak him out.  I kept thinking about him barking every time it thundered--trying to chew through the bars of his cage.  But...when I got back to the house, he was fine, of course.  He was just really happy to see me.

The thing is, if I could talk to Max and make him understand me, I wouldn't have to feel so guilty.  I could tell him, "Hey, little guy, I'm going to go to work and be gone for a few hours. I'll be back around 11," then he'd know not to worry.  But no matter how much I tell him that "I'll be home when the clock's little hand is on the 11 and the big hand is on the 12," he can't understand me.  Cuz he's a dog.

So when I put Max in his cage and leave the house, he was either going to trust that I or someone else is eventually going to come back and take care of him, or he was going to freak out a lot until someone actually did come back and take care of him.  And I don't watch him when I'm not there...for obvious reasons...but I do know that when I come back, even if I've only left the house to take trash out, he's always OVERJOYED to see me.  I'm not sure if that's because he really thinks that no one was ever going to come, or if he just loves me that much.  It might be a little bit of both. 

But I found myself telling Max, "You silly lil scaredy pup, don't you know I love you?  Of course I was coming back to take care of you."

And I started thinking how silly I can be sometimes.  I know that God loves me.  I know He's going to take care of me because He does love me.  So when life is chaotic and I can't see what God's doing, I can either choose to freak out or to trust Him. 

Tomorrow I'm turning in that application I've had forever.  Then I'm going to try sending out some resumes and see what happens.  If anything does, I'll be slightly less cryptic about it.  If not, I'll just keep working my 15 kazbillion four jobs and struggling to make ends meet.  Right now, the thought of doing that for another year kind of makes me want to chew through the bars of a cage, but if that's what happens--it's going to be all right.  I'm a silly lil scaredy pup, too, but I don't think I'm going to be carried off and eaten by any large carnivorous birds anytime soon....

There are still so many changes going on in my life--my fridge was in my living room for a while, but that's a different blog post, lol.  More friends have moved away, but other relationships have deepened.  God has been giving me so much blessing--blessing I know I'm not at all meant to keep to myself.  I know He's going to provide more because there's so much He's doing in my life, and so much He wants me to do--participating, coming alongside Him in the work that He's doing.  I just have to trust and wait, wait and trust, trust and wait...  You'd think I'd be an expert at that, but apparently I'm a silly lil scaredy kid who still has a lot to learn.

You know what, though?  I'm kind of enjoying the lessons.  ...Most of the time.  Lol.  There's definitely mercy in the struggle.  And I am very blessed.

Summer Update #1: No Longer Afraid

The last time I updated was several weeks ago, and it might be several weeks before I update again.  My roommate moved out, taking her computer and interwebz with her.  Right now I'm kind of in interwebz limbo, and well, that's okay.  I kind of like not being too connected.  I've got too many other things to do.  ...like cleaning my apartment so a potential new roommate can come look at it. 

I'm not sure how I ended up with so much STUFF.  Seriously.  My apartment has a large bedroom, in which I am currently sleeping/living/keeping my stuff, and a smaller bedroom, which was until very recently home to a lady I called my roommate.  I've decided that it's a good time for a change, so I'm going to move all my things into the smaller bedroom--getting rid of whatever doesn't fit or clutters stuff up too much.  And well...golly gee...I've just got too much STUFF.  Clothes.  Books.  Knick knacks.  Not to mention my collection, yes my COLLECTION of Eeyore beanie babies.  How many possible ways could they dress Eeyore up?  Idk...but I've got like 20 of them...

It's time to declutter.  It's time to get rid of old junk.  It's time to start afresh.  But sometimes getting to that new place is harder than it seems.  And I might have mentioned before that I just don't like change....

...but God keeps sending me little reminders that it's time for things to change.  For one thing, about half my friends (or so it seems) have moved away or are about to move away.  The other half (or so it seems) have either just given birth or are about to give birth.  Some of my friends have both given birth AND moved away, and well, it's just gotten ridiculously obvious that right now is such a season of change.  I knew it was coming, but I don't think we can ever be prepared for it when it finally comes.  CHANGE.

Even if I'm not moving from my current apartment, I'm still feeling the need to get a fresh start and shake things up even more than they've already been shaken.  I'm still working on a job application, hoping that when the summer ends, I'll be starting my work life afresh, too.  We'll see what happens.

But more than just the physical, obvious stuff, I really have been sensing some big changes.  Mainly, my attitude on a lot of things has completely flip-flopped.  I've finally, FINALLY begun to see that my life and talents are not really mine.  I've kinda sorta always known that, but it's such a hard concept to grasp.  And I'm not sure that I have fully grasped it, but I'm a lot closer than I was.  Because I'm finally realizing the truth that when my talents don't belong to me, then I have absolutely nothing to fear by sharing them with others.  And it's hard to explain the fear that I've had--it's not fear of sharing the talents so much as it was fear that I'd have excessive pride when sharing those talents.  And since I had that fear, since I knew pride was lurking behind every talent, it was actually a good thing for me to keep those talents as hidden as possible. 

For instance, I'd sing in the choir, but never audition for a solo.  But I finally figured out that my voice isn't something I created within myself--it's something God gave me.  And if God gave me that voice, He didn't give it to me to keep to myself.  All my talents are something God gave me so that I could give them to others.  That doesn't mean I should go out and sing solos all the time, or whatever, but it means that I can no longer be afraid to share my voice when the time is right to share it. 

And just this morning, I was driving to work.  As I flipped between the two tolerable Christian radio stations that play in my area, I heard two different songs by the David Crowder Band (who, sadly, are no more).  And I found myself thanking God for giving singing/songwriting abilities to Mr. David Crowder and his former band of awesomeness.  I was thinking about how much those songs meant to me, how they so genuinely praised the Lord and related to the amazing, awkward, sometimes painful beauty of humanity.  And once again I had this epiphany that if God gives someone a talent, then that talent is meant to be shared.  If DCB hadn't joined and performed their music, I and so many others would have missed out on some pretty extraordinary musical blessings.  And I'm not saying that my songs are anywhere near the caliber of DCB, but I kinda think that if God inspired me with some lyrics, along with giving me a decent singing voice and a barely passable guitar playing ability, then maybe I should so something with that.

And I can't be afraid. 

Just as I can't be afraid to take all the little steps I have to take in order to embrace all the newness in my life.  It's not easy.  It's not supposed to be. 

Honestly, I don't really have a clue what's coming in the next few months.  I don't even know how I'm going to pay my rent next month.  What I do know is that the Lord is faithful.  What I do know is that He already sees the end of everything before I even see the beginning.  There's a lot going on.  I've lost friends due to moving and even some to death.  And it's not easy, not for me, and not for others.  But I'm not alone.  They're not alone.  And I know God's doing something in my life and in the lives of others to bring us closer to each other, closer to Him. 

We can't be afraid.  We can't be afraid to give.  We can't be afraid to give because nothing we have is ours anyway. 

There's freedom in that.  I don't think I've grasped it.  Maybe it's not about grasping as much as it's about letting go. 

Shrug.  I'm getting there.

...until the next update...