Summer Update # Whatever This Is: It IS What It IS

Summer doesn’t officially end until near the end of September, but I don’t think a lot of people around here actually pay attention to such trivial things as the autumnal equinox. No, here seasons are defined by what is happening with school. When school starts, it’s no longer summer. It’s fall. And when kids stop talking about turkeys and start talking about snowmen, then it’s no longer fall. It’s winter. And when kids stop wishing for snow days and start talking about Easter Egg hunts, then it’s spring. And when school gets out, even though it’s technically still spring, people say it’s summer. So the calendar isn’t the boss anymore. Since the girls I watch a few afternoons a week have already begun the new school year, and since I’ve been planning for preschool all week, I guess I’m going to have to admit that the summer is gone. But since my first day of preschool isn’t until next week, I’m still calling this summer.


I didn’t update as much as I wanted to this summer. I still don’t have internet access at my apartment, and really, I’m not sure when that’s going to change. So even though the summer is over, I’m still not going to have a regular blogging schedule for a while. And that’s okay, because even if it’s not still summer, I’m still sort of in a summer frame of mind. And this summer was a summer of change. I’m still going through some transition. I figured I’d be through it already, but you know, I have no idea how long things are going to be changing. And really, when do things ever stop changing anyway?

I still need to find a roommate (or two). There still needs to be some work done (both cleaning and repair work) on the apartment, so I’m not sure when I’ll be able to advertise for a roommate. I have to pay rent in a few days, and I’m going to have to go further into debt in order to do that. I worried about it for a few hours, and then realized that worrying isn’t going to fix it.

I wanted to get a new teaching assistant job this school year. I wanted the security of a full time job. I wanted the pay rate of a full time job. I wanted health insurance. I wanted to stop doing so many jobs so I could have more time to write and do other things. Well, the teaching assistant job didn’t happen. Part of my problem is that I waited too long to apply, and part of my problem was that I didn’t go out and try to sell myself to the many schools in the area, and part of my problem is that I really just don’t think it was meant to be right now. So I’m going to keep working four jobs that pull me in different directions and often don’t give me the hours or income I need. I worried about it for a while, and then realized that worrying isn’t going to change anything.

I realized that since I waited so long to figure out stuff about a teaching assistant job, I wasn’t putting in as much effort as I needed to on my preschool job. I’m lead teacher this year, and while it’s not a huge deal, it does require quite a bit more responsibility than being just a preschool assistant teacher. I didn’t worry about this; I freaked out about it. And part of that was because I was still wanting to worry about finances and roommate situations and change change change. Then I threw some tantrums, calmed down, threw some more tantrums, calmed down, and realized that I was in a cycle of throwing tantrums and calming down. And to quote my friend Bonnie, I finally realized I just needed to CALM DOWN.

I tend to be an emotional person (no, really, you hadn’t noticed?), but lately things were just roller coastering out of control. And the other day when I was having a really good morning and something very small threatened to ruin my whole day, I had to ask myself why I was so upset over it. Satan’s been attacking me on an emotional level, and I finally told him to STOP IT. The thing about Satan is, he’s powerful, but for the Christian, he only has as much power as we give him. And I wasn’t going to give him any more power.

So I’ve adopted a new philosophy that’s really going to have to get me through this time of change: It is what it is, and what I can do is what I can do.

It’s not that I’m just throwing in the towel and saying that it doesn’t matter. What I’m saying is that worrying doesn’t do any good. It is what it is, and what I can do is what I can do. But it isn’t really all that bad when I think of how bad others have it, and I can actually do a lot if I stop whining about it and just do it. The preschool stuff is still going to take some responsibility, but if I just sit down and do it, one step at a time, it’s not hard. It just takes some work. Honestly, I could use something to force me to be organized. My finances are seriously messed up and I don’t know if my jobs are going to pay for everything that I need—especially since I still don’t have a roommate and don’t exactly know when I’m getting one. But now that I’ve moved all my stuff into the smaller room in my apartment, so that I can offer the larger room to a potential roommate or two, I’ve managed to simplify “my space” in a way that will actually be a lot more comfortable and functional for me. And God knows my job situations. He’s promised that if I seek Him and His Kingdom first, then all the other things I need will be provided. And if I stop worrying and thinking about myself, I can see that there are so many reasons why He still has me in the places where I am. There are people I can minister to in my secular jobs. There are children I can love on and coworkers to encourage in all of my jobs. There are people at all my jobs who are like family to me, and honestly, if I had left them, it would have broken my heart.

And one day I probably will leave these jobs, and if I do, it will break my heart. Because change is both good and bad. And sometimes change doesn’t look like how you expected it to look. And sometimes change takes longer than you think it will. But there are always things to be learned through it. And I should have known this season of change would be harder than I imagined it would—because I obviously need a lot of lessons.

I still don’t know what this year is going to bring. I do still believe that there is something amazing waiting for me on the other side of all this change. I do still believe there is much for which to hope. I do still believe that God is working all things together for good for those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose. I do still believe that even in the midst of financial problems and change, I am richly, deeply blessed. I do still believe that the fall, whenever it actually comes, is going to be a time of harvest. I do still believe that He’s doing something with me. I do still believe that He’s using me to bring His love to others. And if this change is something that will more greatly enable Him to work through me, then who am I to complain?

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Sometimes we struggle with knowing God’s will. We want to know His plans, all cleanly laid out, for the next decade of our lives. But the thing is, we already do know God’s will. He wants us to seek Him. He wants us to read His Word, pray, get to know His heart. He wants us to love one another. He wants us to look outside of ourselves and see what needs to be done where we are. And when I stop throwing tantrums and finally do just CALM DOWN, I can stop worrying about me me me, and start seeing others as God sees them. I can start seeing situations as God sees them. It’s funny, but when I stop focusing on myself, I can actually start seeing how God sees me.

I spent a lot of my younger years trying to shine. I failed a lot. I kept trying to cause myself to shine. But we aren’t meant to be able to shine. We’re just meant to reflect. We’re meant to reflect the One who shines. Then, only then, can we shine, too.

My reflections are still poor, but I’m learning.

Summer Update #2: Lessons from the Dog

I'm not exactly a dog person.  I love dogs, and pretty much any furry animal...that's not a tarantula...but I'm more of a cat person.  Cats are more my speed.  Feed them, give them water, give them a poo box.  That's all they need, really.  I mean, some of them are needier than others, but I've never really felt guilty about leaving a cat to fend for itself for a few hours.  Dogs?  They're always giving me guilt trips.

I've done some dog sitting this summer for a really awesome doggie named Max.  Max is a Schnoodle.  I love the Schnauzer in him; the poodle?  Well, hmm, yeah, I love the Schnauzer in him. 

I've dog sat many times before for a German Shepherd.  The main difference between a German Shepherd and a Schnoodle is that a Schnoodle could easily be carried off and eaten by a large carnivorous bird, whereas a German Shepherd might only be easily carried off and eaten by a large carnivorous dinosaur.  And given that difference, I'm pretty sure that Max has every right to be a scaredy-pup.  And he is.

I had to leave Max in his cage for a few hours yesterday while I went to work, and I felt guilty about it.  And then I felt even guiltier about it because it started thundering and I was worried that would freak him out.  I kept thinking about him barking every time it thundered--trying to chew through the bars of his cage.  But...when I got back to the house, he was fine, of course.  He was just really happy to see me.

The thing is, if I could talk to Max and make him understand me, I wouldn't have to feel so guilty.  I could tell him, "Hey, little guy, I'm going to go to work and be gone for a few hours. I'll be back around 11," then he'd know not to worry.  But no matter how much I tell him that "I'll be home when the clock's little hand is on the 11 and the big hand is on the 12," he can't understand me.  Cuz he's a dog.

So when I put Max in his cage and leave the house, he was either going to trust that I or someone else is eventually going to come back and take care of him, or he was going to freak out a lot until someone actually did come back and take care of him.  And I don't watch him when I'm not there...for obvious reasons...but I do know that when I come back, even if I've only left the house to take trash out, he's always OVERJOYED to see me.  I'm not sure if that's because he really thinks that no one was ever going to come, or if he just loves me that much.  It might be a little bit of both. 

But I found myself telling Max, "You silly lil scaredy pup, don't you know I love you?  Of course I was coming back to take care of you."

And I started thinking how silly I can be sometimes.  I know that God loves me.  I know He's going to take care of me because He does love me.  So when life is chaotic and I can't see what God's doing, I can either choose to freak out or to trust Him. 

Tomorrow I'm turning in that application I've had forever.  Then I'm going to try sending out some resumes and see what happens.  If anything does, I'll be slightly less cryptic about it.  If not, I'll just keep working my 15 kazbillion four jobs and struggling to make ends meet.  Right now, the thought of doing that for another year kind of makes me want to chew through the bars of a cage, but if that's what happens--it's going to be all right.  I'm a silly lil scaredy pup, too, but I don't think I'm going to be carried off and eaten by any large carnivorous birds anytime soon....

There are still so many changes going on in my life--my fridge was in my living room for a while, but that's a different blog post, lol.  More friends have moved away, but other relationships have deepened.  God has been giving me so much blessing--blessing I know I'm not at all meant to keep to myself.  I know He's going to provide more because there's so much He's doing in my life, and so much He wants me to do--participating, coming alongside Him in the work that He's doing.  I just have to trust and wait, wait and trust, trust and wait...  You'd think I'd be an expert at that, but apparently I'm a silly lil scaredy kid who still has a lot to learn.

You know what, though?  I'm kind of enjoying the lessons.  ...Most of the time.  Lol.  There's definitely mercy in the struggle.  And I am very blessed.

Summer Update #1: No Longer Afraid

The last time I updated was several weeks ago, and it might be several weeks before I update again.  My roommate moved out, taking her computer and interwebz with her.  Right now I'm kind of in interwebz limbo, and well, that's okay.  I kind of like not being too connected.  I've got too many other things to do.  ...like cleaning my apartment so a potential new roommate can come look at it. 

I'm not sure how I ended up with so much STUFF.  Seriously.  My apartment has a large bedroom, in which I am currently sleeping/living/keeping my stuff, and a smaller bedroom, which was until very recently home to a lady I called my roommate.  I've decided that it's a good time for a change, so I'm going to move all my things into the smaller bedroom--getting rid of whatever doesn't fit or clutters stuff up too much.  And well...golly gee...I've just got too much STUFF.  Clothes.  Books.  Knick knacks.  Not to mention my collection, yes my COLLECTION of Eeyore beanie babies.  How many possible ways could they dress Eeyore up?  Idk...but I've got like 20 of them...

It's time to declutter.  It's time to get rid of old junk.  It's time to start afresh.  But sometimes getting to that new place is harder than it seems.  And I might have mentioned before that I just don't like change....

...but God keeps sending me little reminders that it's time for things to change.  For one thing, about half my friends (or so it seems) have moved away or are about to move away.  The other half (or so it seems) have either just given birth or are about to give birth.  Some of my friends have both given birth AND moved away, and well, it's just gotten ridiculously obvious that right now is such a season of change.  I knew it was coming, but I don't think we can ever be prepared for it when it finally comes.  CHANGE.

Even if I'm not moving from my current apartment, I'm still feeling the need to get a fresh start and shake things up even more than they've already been shaken.  I'm still working on a job application, hoping that when the summer ends, I'll be starting my work life afresh, too.  We'll see what happens.

But more than just the physical, obvious stuff, I really have been sensing some big changes.  Mainly, my attitude on a lot of things has completely flip-flopped.  I've finally, FINALLY begun to see that my life and talents are not really mine.  I've kinda sorta always known that, but it's such a hard concept to grasp.  And I'm not sure that I have fully grasped it, but I'm a lot closer than I was.  Because I'm finally realizing the truth that when my talents don't belong to me, then I have absolutely nothing to fear by sharing them with others.  And it's hard to explain the fear that I've had--it's not fear of sharing the talents so much as it was fear that I'd have excessive pride when sharing those talents.  And since I had that fear, since I knew pride was lurking behind every talent, it was actually a good thing for me to keep those talents as hidden as possible. 

For instance, I'd sing in the choir, but never audition for a solo.  But I finally figured out that my voice isn't something I created within myself--it's something God gave me.  And if God gave me that voice, He didn't give it to me to keep to myself.  All my talents are something God gave me so that I could give them to others.  That doesn't mean I should go out and sing solos all the time, or whatever, but it means that I can no longer be afraid to share my voice when the time is right to share it. 

And just this morning, I was driving to work.  As I flipped between the two tolerable Christian radio stations that play in my area, I heard two different songs by the David Crowder Band (who, sadly, are no more).  And I found myself thanking God for giving singing/songwriting abilities to Mr. David Crowder and his former band of awesomeness.  I was thinking about how much those songs meant to me, how they so genuinely praised the Lord and related to the amazing, awkward, sometimes painful beauty of humanity.  And once again I had this epiphany that if God gives someone a talent, then that talent is meant to be shared.  If DCB hadn't joined and performed their music, I and so many others would have missed out on some pretty extraordinary musical blessings.  And I'm not saying that my songs are anywhere near the caliber of DCB, but I kinda think that if God inspired me with some lyrics, along with giving me a decent singing voice and a barely passable guitar playing ability, then maybe I should so something with that.

And I can't be afraid. 

Just as I can't be afraid to take all the little steps I have to take in order to embrace all the newness in my life.  It's not easy.  It's not supposed to be. 

Honestly, I don't really have a clue what's coming in the next few months.  I don't even know how I'm going to pay my rent next month.  What I do know is that the Lord is faithful.  What I do know is that He already sees the end of everything before I even see the beginning.  There's a lot going on.  I've lost friends due to moving and even some to death.  And it's not easy, not for me, and not for others.  But I'm not alone.  They're not alone.  And I know God's doing something in my life and in the lives of others to bring us closer to each other, closer to Him. 

We can't be afraid.  We can't be afraid to give.  We can't be afraid to give because nothing we have is ours anyway. 

There's freedom in that.  I don't think I've grasped it.  Maybe it's not about grasping as much as it's about letting go. 

Shrug.  I'm getting there.

...until the next update...

Monday Blahg: Break

I really don't like it when people refer to this time of year as "summer."  Summer doesn't happen officially until around June 20th.  We still have almost a month to go until summer.  Spring is my favorite season--so I like to keep it around as long as possible.  ...even if the temperature is 90 degrees....

Well, it's not summer yet, but I think I'm going to take a blogging break for the "summer."  Right now there is just too much going on for me to figure out when I'm going to regularly blog.  I have to be out of my apartment in about a month, and right now I don't know where I'll be moving.  I don't know if I'll have regular internet access for a while.  I don't know if I'm going to be living in a cardboard box....

I'll continue to update from time to time, if I really have something to say, but I know I won't have time or mental energy to continue to blog 3 days a week.  I'll try to bring some normality back to the blog once I've figured out my living situations and job situations--and some normality to my life again.

Prayers are definitely appreciated right now.  I've known that changes were going to come, and now it's time for them.  I really am feeling hopeful about what God is doing, but it's hard to trust Him when I don't know the details.  I truly believe that He's going to bring me to a better place in my life, a place where He wants me to be--but getting there is hard.  I don't want to pack.  I don't want to have to figure out where I'm living.  I don't want to have to rely on others to help me.  But I'm going to have to be a grown up, put on my big girl pants, and deal with it.  It's going to be hard and stressful, but I believe there's going to be blessing on the other side.

So stay tuned--I'll update when I can.  Have a great summer (and the rest of spring)!

What I Did With My Weekend

It's the last week of preschool, I've got two jobs almost every day this week, and I haven't had a chance to really even breathe since getting back in town on Monday.  So...this is the only blog post I'm probably going to do this week.  In fact, my blogging schedule is probably going to be messed up for most of the summer, if I even manage to blog at all.  I'm moving soon and don't really even know where I'm moving...

But this is what I did with my weekend:

My goal for the half-marathon: a time under 2 hours and 40 minutes (I would have gladly accepted 2:39:59)

My actual time: 2 hours 27 minutes 51 seconds. 

I was stunned.  In fact, I still am.

Now, lots of runners can run 13.1 miles in under 2.5 hours.  In fact, the people who won the half-marathon in which I participated ran it in under 1.5 hours.  But for me, Pansy Runner, this was an accomplishment--especially considering I was still feeling a little sick.  I didn't realize I was still feeling a little sick until during/after the race.  After crossing the finish line, I was ridiculously happy to meet up with my new BFF, the port-a-potty (I was too stubborn to stop and use one along the race course, even though I could have used one around mile 6).  When I got back to my sister's house, I took a shower, got dressed, started seeing black spots, got a killer headache, nearly passed out, and just generally thought I was going to die.  Then I puked my guts out, took a two hour nap, and felt much better.

Would I do it all over again?

Abso-stinkin-lutely.

It was a great experience (sans the post-race port-a-potty and puke party).  The scenery and weather were beautiful.  And God enabled me to do something that I would have never even thought about doing a year and a half ago.  Training has made my muscles stronger, but I'm not really that strong.  My only hope has ever been and ever will be that "God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the strong" (1 Cor. 1:27). 

I'mma keep boasting in Him.

Fiction Friday Book Review: THE MAZE RUNNER Trilogy by James Dashner

“Drama Queen,” the thirteen-year-old I watch/drive around was the first one to recommend The Hunger Games to me. So when she recommended a book called The Maze Runner by James Dashner, I definitely trusted her judgment. And as pathetic as it might seem that I share the same basic literary tastes as a thirteen-year-old, I have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed The Maze Runner. The two sequels, The Scorch Trials and The Death Cure, were also highly enjoyable.


The trilogy is definitely dystopian, although that is not clear in the beginning. In fact, it took me a while to get into the story because I wasn’t sure where it was going. But Dashner did an excellent job of setting up the plot. It begins with the main character of Thomas, whose only memory is his first name. He arrives in an enclosed community called the Glade, where the population consists of several other teenage boys who also have no memory of their lives before they arrived at the Glade. Adjacent to the Glade is a dangerous maze, which is believed to hold the key to their captivity. The arrival of the first girl (Teresa) in the Glade triggers several events that might lead to their freedom, but her arrival also triggers memories in Thomas, which suggest that the world beyond the maze might not be what they expect. Lurking behind it all is a mysterious organization called WICKED, which Teresa claims is good—but Thomas isn’t so sure.

Perhaps one of the marks of a good dystopian novel is that it’s a bit disturbing—in a good way. I haven’t been kept awake by a book since I finished reading The Hunger Games series, but I found myself thinking about these books long after turning out the light. I wondered why the characters were acting the way that they were. I wondered how the characters might feel about the difficult decisions they had made or were about to make. I wondered what the characters were going to do next, what was going to happen to them. Dashner definitely kept me guessing throughout the series, often surprising me. In fact, at the end of the first book, I found myself staring in disbelief at the last page, absolutely shocked at the turn the story had taken. Dashner knows how to write a good cliff-hanger; he has a gift for suspenseful writing.

This gift was also evident in the many exciting action scenes that took place throughout the series. I often found myself on the metaphorical “edge of my seat” while Thomas and his friends encountered monsters in the maze, zombie-like creatures in an abandoned city, or (most frightening and disturbing of all) average humans who were capable of unspeakable cruelty. It was hard to tell who was a “good guy” or “bad guy” in this series. While that much mystery would typically bother me, I was intrigued by Dashner’s ability to make me repeatedly question whether or not I liked a character.

There were things I didn’t like about the plot—but mainly these were surface things, like not wanting a certain character to die, or not wanting the story to take off in a grim direction. But the darker aspects provided a realism that I can definitely appreciate and admire. Dashner crafted a story that was thought-provoking, exciting, and three-dimensional. His characters were not what one might always want or expect—they were human, with good qualities and bad. And somehow I think that message might have been an underlying theme of the whole series. We’re all human. We are all capable of noble things, but we’re also very capable of evil. Those were the thoughts that kept me up at night.

There is no sex and only light profanity in The Maze Runner series, but due to violence and disturbing/intense imagery, I highly recommend this series only for mid-to-older teenagers and adults. Despite the fact that a thirteen-year-old got me hooked on it, I think the younger teenagers should wait a few years.

I also want to point out that while girls will probably appreciate this story, it seems more geared towards boys. There aren’t enough stories out there specifically for teenage guys, so if you’re a parent of boys, I’d check these out. And if you live in Wake County and use their library system, go ahead and get put on the reserve list for The Maze Runner, because it took me almost two months to get it! The Scorch Trials and The Death Cure were both ready within a week of my reservation.

Another Hump Day Blahg

It probably wasn't missed, but I didn't get a chance to write and post the Monday Blahg.  Sunday was insanely busy--church, immediately followed by work (drop-in childcare place was open on Mother's Day, and since my mom lives far away, I worked and allowed some of the other workers to be with their moms who live nearby), immediately followed by a 9 mile run.

And Monday turned out to be blaher than usual.   I was/still am kinda-sorta sick, but not really.  I never had a fever or anything to indicate being really sick--I just felt completely lethargic and had an upset tummy.  I went to bed SUPER early Monday night and felt much better Tuesday, but I'm still recovering.

So, I'm going to go ahead and cut this short because I need some rest (I'm writing this Tuesday night).  My half-marathon is this Saturday.  Lord willing, I'm flying out to Indiana on Thursday to see family and run the Geist Half Marathon.  I hope to be over whatever random kinda-sorta sickness I have so I can run my best.   Prayers for health/safety would be appreciated.  More than that, pray that I honor the Lord in the way I run and encourage other runners.

I'm still so amazed that He would enable me to run.  I still think of myself as an overweight pansy, but He's done a lot in my life to bring me to this point.  This race, it's not about how fast I can run or about how long I can go.  It's about the Lord being my hope and my strength.  I'm just so blessed that He would choose to use me.