Have you ever written a blog and then deleted the whole thing?
I just did that.
I'm very frustrated with myself right now. The blog I just deleted was basically about a page of me berating myself. The problem with it was not that what I said wasn't true, but really, who wants to read a page of me berating myself?
I'm frustrated because I haven't had a lot of time to write recently (I worked 2 extra nights this week because people at work are sick, and I had to fill in), but I haven't made good use of the time I have.
I haven't been writing. I haven't been editing. I haven't been actively seeking publication. Basically, I'm not a very good writer right now. I have a goal of sending at least five queries a month to literary agents (until I find one), and yet January is almost over and I haven't even sent one little query. It's easy to blame the lack of time, but I know that's not a good excuse. There's a reason I'm dragging my feet, and believe me, I have every right to be frustrated with myself.
I have no gumption. I've never had any gumption. I have talent. I have ability. I have resources. God only knows how many opportunities I've missed. And it's all because I don't have any gumption. Suddenly, that's just not good enough anymore.
The truth is, I'm just as afraid of success as I am of failure. In fact, I might be more comfortable with failure. I'm used to it. It takes far more courage to succeed than it does to fail...at least for me. When you fail, there's disappointment and maybe a little embarrassment, but no one expects anything of you. And the more you fail, the less people expect. You become pathetic, but you're safe. It's when you succeed that suddenly you have more responsibility. You have more people expecting more from you. And then there's that little idea of the unknown that causes me to stare sleepless at the ceiling some nights. I don't know how to be a successful writer...and the thought of becoming one actually scares me....
Ugh. It's not good enough. God's given me too much and shown He's too faithful for me to act (or not act) this way. I'm frustrated with myself, and I really hope this leads to some action.
I'm not sure if this is a good prayer or not, but pray I get some gumption. After all, the rest of this has come from the Lord's hand, too. My only boast is in Him.
I hope I don't update this blog again until I've sent out some good queries. I hope it's not too long.