Sunday, July 10, 2011

Sunday Update: Unlovable

This is going to be a short post.  I don't know why I feel like warning my readers about that.  Given the fact that most of my posts are ridiculously long, I guess I was preparing all five or so of my readers that this post isn't going to be ridiculously long so they wouldn't be looking for the other three hundred paragraphs of it.

So...last week was bad.  The apathy kicked in full gear and I didn't exercise and ate whatever I wanted and didn't write anything and didn't care and didn't want to care and just sat around doing nothing because that's all I felt like doing...

And then last night I started dreading Sunday morning because I knew I would have to stand up in front of the congregation at church and sing songs to God like I meant them.  And I knew that in my current state, I would have to be a hypocrite, because somewhere in the course of last week, I forgot how to sing like I meant it.  So I started praying as much as my feeble heart could pray.  I went to bed still waiting and wondering if I would be able to really sing.  I woke up this morning still waiting and wondering if I would be able to really sing. 

But God came through at the last minute.  He likes to do that.  He likes to make me wait because I don't like to wait, and I have a feeling it's good for me.  And He reminded me that there's nothing I can do to make Him stop loving me.  I try sometimes.  I put up a good fight and try to sabatoge my relationship with God.  I'm rebellious.  I want to be God, and since I can't be God, I rebel against Him in an attempt be something on my own.  But I can't be anything on my own.  So in my attempts to become something I can't be, I lose the purpose He planned for me.  And I become worthless.  I become unlovable.  And I start wallowing in that unlovableness because I know I don't deserve God's love. 

But the truth of the matter is, God still loves me.  He doesn't love me because I'm lovable.  I'm not lovable.  He doesn't love me because I deserve it.  I don't deserve it. 

He loves me because He is loving. 

And the love and grace He gives me lends breath to my lungs and hope to my heart.  And I find that I can sing--because His love trumps my unlovableness.

1 comment:

  1. Sounds like we both had apathetic, counterproductive weeks. Last night, after my study, it hit me that I have worth, and God can use that it beyond what my feeble mind can fathom. He is so awesome, and so are you! Love you!