My temptation is the temptation of Moses, who, when God called him to speak and gave him words to speak, claimed that speech was too difficult for him. He asked, begged, God to use someone else.
Sometimes it seems that there's no place in this loud world for quiet people.
It seems the only choices for quiet people are to remain quiet and unheard, or to become as loud as everyone else. Some are able to do this, but not me. Not me. So I ask for an "Aaron," one who can speak on my behalf.
Except I've learned that it doesn't work. People who want to speak for me are not people who listen well. The loud, too often, misrepresent the quiet. They assume instead of questioning, or when they do question, they question without listening. It's not their fault so much as it's just my ever-present struggle--I'm misunderstood.
The quiet are often misunderstood.
So I'm tempted to fade into the background, to let someone else go in my place. I'm not strong enough. I'm not talented enough. I'm not brave enough. I'm not capable enough. I'm not LOUD enough. And no one would listen to a quiet person like me anyway.
And since I'm often misunderstood, some might see me naming my flaws and think that I'm just being humble. But the truth is that the line between humility and pride is so thin that it's hard to tell the difference between them. Sometimes, I don't even know if I'm being humble or proud. But when I focus more on what I CAN'T do than on what God CAN do, I really don't think I'm being humble. Not at all.
So my temptation is the temptation of Moses, the pride to remain silent when God has given me something to say, to ask for Him to use someone else. I'm not worthy or capable of speaking His words. And who would listen to me anyway?
The world is loud, and I am quiet. That's a fact. But that fact does not excuse me.
A prophet doesn't get to choose to be a prophet. And why would anyone choose such a task? To speak truth to a world that doesn't want to hear it? That's asking for a heap of trouble, and more importantly, that's asking for incredible pain. Because a prophet doesn't weep because people hate him or her. A prophet weeps because people would rather believe lies than truth.
And lies are extremely, extremely loud.
And I am quiet.
But I have something to say.
And so the conviction is very simple. The conviction is very complex.
Find a way.
Find a way to speak.
The prophet's job is to speak the truth, both in love and power.
The prophet's job is not to make people listen.
In a loud world where so few have ears to hear, a prophet must find a way to speak.
Even the quiet ones.
Because Love demands action, and faith demands obedience.
And He commands me to be strong and courageous, to not be afraid.
All my insecurities must fade in the light of who He is.
It's not easy, and no one ever said it would be. And my path isn't the same as other's paths. I can't speak for anyone besides myself.
But as for me, it's time I found a way.
I am quiet. I will always be quiet.
I will find a way to speak.