Sunday, January 18, 2015

The Survival Mechanism I Could Never Live With

About a month ago I did something that most people these days have done in their lives...sometimes on a daily basis.  I offended someone on Facebook.  They'd posted a picture with an inspirational quote, nothing big. They were well-meaning, and I wasn't offended by what they posted.  I just had a reply for it that I don't think they could appreciate.

Okay.  Back story.

Earlier that day, I'd been just flat out accosted by misunderstandings.  One person assumed I was angry when I was fine, and started walking on unnecessary eggshells around me.  The fact that they assumed I was angry ended up making me as angry as they originally assumed me to be (funny how that works).  But I just took Queen Elsa's advice:

Only my hair didn't look as awesome.

  Later that day, when I was minding my own business, a friend greeted me with the statement, "What's wrong with you? You look like something's bothering you."  I said nothing was bothering me, because nothing was bothering me, and I got an argument in reply.  "No.  Something's bothering you.  I can tell from the look on your face."  I restated, rather firmly, that nothing was bothering me.  In fact, the only thing bothering me at that particular moment was the fact that she kept insisting that something was bothering me.  "Well, I know something's bothering you because your voice sounds like something's bothering you."


Look lady.

But I just took Taylor's advice:

Sidenote: I think there should be an obscure American religions version of this song:
Shakers gonna shake shake shake shake shake shake
Quakers gonna quake quake quake quake quake quake. Okay.

About twenty minutes later, when I was again minding my own business, ANOTHER friend just flat out started attacking me with accusations that I was being rude to her. 

I'd run out of cartoon characters, pop culture icons, and catchy lyrics to give me advice of what to do in such situations, and I basically threw a Ruth Fit

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

I'd had enough.  People who were my friends were misinterpreting my facial expressions or my introversion and jumping to conclusions about my thought processes, and I felt attacked.  I felt like I couldn't even mind my own business without hurting someone's feelings somehow.  And since I have a whole mess of insecurities inside this crazy brain of mine, I pretty much went from being completely un-bovveredbothered to wanting to crawl under a rock and die the death.

That's actually a pretty common-place occurrence.  I can go from just-fine to worst-case-scenario in less than 60 seconds.  Call it a superpower, if you want to.  I call it a jerkface.  Incidentally, that's also the name of my elliptical.  Fitting, since I keep running in circles obsessively with both of them and never actually get anywhere.

Well, since I can't keep anything in, I put a little something on the Facebook about all these attacks.  Maybe I shouldn't do that.  People are always like, "If you're vague on the Facebook, it's because you want attention."  Actually, I just want prayer, which is usually what I ask for when being vague, but okay.

I prayed through it myself, and started realizing that the first two "attacks" weren't really attacks at all.  They were simple misunderstandings from concerned friends.  Maybe these friends were pushy, but it wasn't their intention to be harmful.  They cared.  The third attack really was an attack, but I started thinking about the possible reasons behind the attack.

She was attacking me.  Why do people attack?  Because they're defensive.  Why do people get defensive?  Because they're afraid.

And I took the focus off myself and put it on the other person.  She was afraid.  She misinterpreted my minding my own business to be something unkind towards her--I was preoccupied with what I was doing and trying to focus (something that's hard for me because I get distracted by shiny objects), but she thought I was ignoring her.  And that hurt her feelings.  So she accused me of some things that weren't true.  I sent her an email about it.  We talked.  We made up.  We're friends again.

But through all of that, the things on the Facebook still remained, and a well-meaning friend posted one of those inspirational quotes on my wall to help me feel better.  I don't even remember what it said, but it was one of those generic things about only letting people in your life who appreciate you, about getting rid of the people who hurt you.

And I understand why these attitudes exist.  They are survival mechanisms.  There are abusive people in this world.  There are people who will take and take and take and never give.  There are toxic people with horrible attitudes and actions that just poison everyone else around them.  I understand that.  And sometimes they abuse others so much that it's entirely healthy and good for those people to GET OUT of those relationships, to get away from those people, to move on in a different, more positive direction.

I've had to let go of some friendships that I realized were toxic.  I realized I was always apologizing for the sake of restoring the friendship, even when I hadn't really done anything wrong. I was trying to be the "Peacemaker," but no peace was being made because the other person didn't want to change. The other person was always quick to "forgive me" for my apologies, but she never admitted guilt of her own.  I eventually "defriended" this individual, but I never blocked her.  Because I'm praying that there's restoration one day.  I'll always pray for that.  I still pray for her.  I still think about her.  I still hope one day we can be friends again.

Because when it really comes down to it, it's completely against my nature to stop caring.  And I think there's a danger in taking the "Let it go" attitude too far.  I've only seen Frozen a couple of times, and it has some decent lessons in it.  The trouble is, too many people focus on Elsa's "Let it go" rampage more than they do on Anna's sacrificial love for her sister.  And "shaking things off" is great if you're talking about not caring too much about what people think, but it can go too far if you use that attitude to stop actually caring about PEOPLE.  And I think people don't know the difference anymore.  But I probably err too much on the other side and care too much about what people think WHILE I'm caring about the people.  And I just can't seem to stop caring about people.

I'm not trying to say I'm anything great.  I'm not.  I've got hangups and stuff as much as anyone else (see above comments about crazy brain insecurities).  But one of the perks about being an overly-sensitive person is that I do care about people.  Sometimes that care can morph into something ugly where I care too much about what people think or say.  But the flipside of that, the good side of that, is that the main reason I let things bother me so much is because I do care about people.

That's why, after I calmed down, I was able to sit there and think the whole situation through.  I was able to think through things and determine if a friend's comments were spoken out of love, or if they were spoken out of fear.  I was able to reach out to a person who had attacked and deeply hurt me because I realized SHE was hurting, too.

I could have just let this friend go.  I could have just shook her off.  The world would have told me to do just that.  I am glad I didn't.  And I know it's not always applicable.  Some people have been in situations where it's dangerous and unwise to seek reconciliation.  But I'm thankful that God has never looked at me, a rebellious child who has failed him time and time again, who takes so much and gives so little back of what I've been given, and He's never turned His back on me.  We're not God.  We're not able to take as much as He can take.  We're not able to give as much of ourselves as He has given of Himself.  But aren't we called to see beyond our own selves and our own fears and defenses and insecurities?  Aren't we called to forgive?  Aren't we called to love?

That love looks different in every relationship, every situation.  Sometimes it is more loving and more healthy to walk away.  But that should never be the norm, never the initial reaction.  My fear in this "let it go" society is that people are giving up on other people way too quickly.

And I looked at the inspirational thing my Facebook friend had sent me, and I knew it just wasn't fitting for me or my situation.  And I responded to it by saying something along the lines of, "If I had that attitude, it would mean I didn't care.  That's really just not my style."

And the relief I felt in posting that was just tangible.  I realized, again, that I really do like who I am.  It's something a lot of people misunderstand, it's something a lot of people just CAN'T understand.  But I like me.  I like me in all my insecure, over-thinking, obsessing-over-little-things glory.  I care too much.  And I dare to say that it's not always a bad thing.

I noticed that the entire post my Facebook friend had posted was gone a few minutes after I'd posted my comment on it, so I sincerely hope I didn't hurt any feelings.  As I've said, other people have other situations.  There's a place to let go of harmful people.  I just don't find myself in that place very often, and when I do, I never really stop caring completely.

That's why it took me the better part of a decade to get over a broken heart.
I don't even regret that.
I still care, in fact--not at ALL in a romantic way, but I do pray for him from time to time.  I pray that he's being a good husband to his new wife (and I'm thankful she's not me).  I pray God's leading him.

Because I'm not the sort of person to just forget the people who have hurt me.  I figure they were part of my life for a reason.  If they're not part of my life anymore, whether by their choice, my choice, or just chance, then I can still give them a passing thought or prayer. 

There are survival mechanisms and such that people adopt to get away from pain.  And I probably have a few of those in my crazy brain, too.  But I'm not able to turn off the part of my soul that cares.  In some ways, I guess it's inconvenient.  I just can't bring myself to regret even those relationships that have hurt me. 

And I can't bring myself to regret who I am.

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