Bad Raps and Rain Clouds

You know who has a bad rap?  Eeyore has a bad rap.

This post is not really about Eeyore, but as usual,
 it takes me forever to get to my point, so Pooh bear with me.
...but isn't that a great face Eeyore is making, there?

Now, the gloomy little guy actually does have a fairly big following, but even among those who love Eeyore, he's a pretty misunderstood fictional character.  And I tend to get upset when people diss my favorite fictional characters.  

As a life-long fan of the old gray donkey (ever since I first saw "Winnie the Pooh and a Day for Eeyore" when I was about 4??), I get pretty annoyed when people assume that Eeyore is just a depressed pessimist who needs to get a life.  

But when you actually read the original Milne and study the character of Eeyore, you realize he's actually a pretty funny dude.  I mean, his sense of humor isn't for everyone, but I'm a HUGE fan of his dry wit.  Too many people mistake it for pure depression.  In reality (if he were, you know, real), he's just dripping with sarcasm.  It is hilarious and good:

"After all, one can't complain. I have my friends. Somebody spoke to me only yesterday. And was it last week or the week before that Rabbit bumped into me and said 'Bother!'. The Social Round. Always something going on."

"It's snowing still. ...And freezing.  ...However," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately."

"I don't know how it is, Christopher Robin, but what with all this snow and one thing and another, not to mention icicles and such-like, it isn't so Hot in my field about three o’clock in the morning as some people think it is. It isn't Close, if you know what I mean - not so as to be uncomfortable. It isn't Stuffy. In fact, Christopher Robin," he went on in a loud whisper, "quite-between-ourselves-and-don't-tell anybody, it's Cold."

"Eeyore, what are you doing there?" said Rabbit.

"I'll give you three guesses, Rabbit. Digging holes in the ground? Wrong. Leaping from branch to branch of a young oak tree? Wrong. Waiting for somebody to help me out of the river? Right. Give Rabbit time, and he'll always get the answer."

"Oh, Eeyore, you are wet!" said Piglet, feeling him.

Eeyore shook himself, and asked somebody to explain to Piglet what happened when you had been inside a river for quite a long time.

"They're funny things, Accidents. You never have them till you're having them."

Gloomy?  Maybe.  But I wouldn't say pessimistic.  I see Eeyore as more of a realist.  Because you'd be gloomy, too, if this was your reality:

He's an elderly donkey, stuffed with itchy sawdust, who always loses his tail (and has to have it nailed back on when they eventually find it again--um, ouch), and whose house is always falling down.   He's also stuck in a forest with a bunch of dim-witted guys (and one overprotective mother kangaroo lady) who have fluff for brains.  His "friends" don't pay him much attention, unless they're bouncing on him or asking to stand on his back so they can get to hard-to-reach places or some other ridiculous nonsense.  His sarcasm and gloom are actually COPING MECHANISMS for the messed up reality in which he lives.  If he wasn't so sarcastic, his brain would probably turn to fluff, too.

But, Eeyore isn't all dark and gloom.

And to make a long story short (too late), I'll show you, rather than just tell you, about Eeyore's most optimistic moment.  Because if your "friends" forgot your birthday, bounced you into a river and then accused you of lying about it, then had the nerve to give you NOTHING but an empty honey pot and a broken balloon as birthday presents, I doubt you'd find as much joy as he did.  Here's "Winnie the Pooh and a Day for Eeyore"  It's like 25 minutes, but it's brilliant.  I'll wait while you watch Eeyore not be a Donnie Downer.  Go ahead.  Watch.  Or just scroll down past the video because you're lazy....

Yeah, if you watched, you saw that Eeyore made the most out of a situation that, well, kind of sucked.  And if you didn't watch, then take my word for it.  Eeyore is not always sad, and in fact, sometimes finds great joy in the smallest things.  And sometimes he shows a lot of grace to people animals who are jerks to him.

But...Eeyore has a bad rap.

Because people confuse pessimism and realism all the time.

Which is one of the reasons why, sometimes, I also get a bad rap.

And I don't want all my posts to be about "me, me, me," nor do I want to be a whiny blogger who just talks about all her problems all the time.  But in this "year of Fear Not," I've learned that something WE ALL WANT is to be understood.  What WE ALL WANT, and desperately, is to be known.  And so this is a blog about my personal experiences, but my hope is that other people can relate on some level.  I'm not seeking total understanding, because I've learned that being completely understood by another human being is a lie, and the pursuit of being understood can be an idol.  Sometimes we can't have understanding.  Sometimes we can't even have respect.  But when we don't have a choice in how others treat us, we always have a choice in how we act and react....

Even if we have a bad rap, like the one others sometimes project upon me.

Because I'm pretty straightforward, but sometimes people like to read WAY too much into the straightforward things that I say.

Sometimes I say things like, "I'm socially awkward."
What I mean is, "I'm socially awkward."
What people hear sometimes is, "I'm socially awkward and that is the worst thing ever and I wish I were dead, please kill me now or pray that I'm healed from the demon of social awkwardness."

Sometimes I say things like, "I don't have very much self-confidence."
I mean, "I don't have very much self-confidence."
What people hear sometimes is, "I NEED more self-confidence because life is horrible without it, and NO ONE can function in today's society without self-confidence.  Please direct me to the nearest self-help seminar or book series or audio tape so that I can be self-confident and happy like everyone else."

Sometimes I say things like, "I'm weak, but God is strong."
What I mean is, "I'm weak, but God is strong."
What people hear sometimes is, "I'm pathetic and hate myself.  I need to learn how to be strong in myself.  That God stuff is just something people say to sound holy, but really, I want to be strong on my own."

I happen to be pretty sarcastic, too, because sometimes I have to be.  Otherwise, I'd punch too many people in too many faces, and that might possibly get me arrested.

But sometimes people don't respond to the straightforward.  And sometimes people don't respond to the sarcasm.  And for most of my life, I've just been putting up with people when they try to tell me all the little ways I'm wrong and need to change.  For far too many years, I even thought they were right--because if I'm going to second guess, I'm going to second guess myself first.  That's part of my nature...not that there's anything wrong with it.

Because that's the thing that I've finally figured out.  For years, people, well well meaning people, would tell me that they loved me for who I am, but they thought I needed to be more self-confident.  They'd tell me they loved me for who I am, but they thought I needed to stand up for myself.  They'd tell me they loved me for who I am, but they thought I should be more assertive, less soft spoken, less apologetic, less timid and more bold, etc.  Some would even imply I was sinning if I wasn't doing these things they thought I should be doing, or acting in the ways I thought I should be acting.  They said they loved me for me, but they wanted to change things that were at the very core of who I am.

And one day, pretty recently, actually, it finally clicked that those well-meaning people wanted me to be me, just as long as me was someone completely different.  And they were the ones telling me to be myself, but they didn't like who I was or even know who I was.  And the more I started thinking about it, the more I realized that those little things they wanted to change, they're not just parts of me--they're things I actually LIKE about me.

And it's weird, I get it, okay?  It's weird to like being awkward.  It's weird to like being soft-spoken.  It's weird to like apologizing all the time.  But it's who I am.  I wasted years feeling guilty because I wasn't who people thought I should be.  I even tried to be who people thought I should be, and I just ended up frustrated and hurt.  It took me awhile, but I've realized I CAN'T be something I'm not--even if those things I can't be seem like really good things--and I'm more than okay with that.  And all those people who told me to stand up for myself and be more confident, well, they're finally getting their wish, but not in the way they expected.  Because the only ones I really feel the need to stand up against are them.  And I will if I have to.

There's a few things people need to know about me, things that seem completely contradictory.  Maybe they are, but they're nonetheless true:

1. I apologize too much, but I won't apologize for it.
2. I am VERY confident about the fact that I don't have much confidence.
3. I'm not very assertive, but I'll FIGHT you for my right to be non-assertive.

I lived for over 30 years before I realized that I'm not the one with the problem.  And, as I said before, I'm not one to push blame on others.  I usually look for fault in myself first.  Which might have been why it was so easy to accept it when other people saw fault in me.

But what I'm finding, finally, is that while good-natured, well-intentioned people really WANT to help and really think that they're helping sometimes, they end up trying to fix something that was never broken.  And sometimes they end up breaking things that were just fine the way they were.

And I know I have to be gracious, because I can definitely understand the confusion.  It sounds good to be self-confident.  It sounds good to be assertive.  It sounds good to be strong.  It sounds good to have it all together.

But I don't have it all together.

And don't mis-hear me.  I said I don't have it all together.

I didn't say that was a bad thing.

I know myself, and I like myself.  And all the little quirks and idiosyncrasies that make up who I am are not things I despair of.  Sure, there's things I'd like to change about myself, but all in all, I'm pretty comfortable with me.

Which is to say, I'm a pretty uncomfortable person.  And that might not make any sense, but I don't care.  I like me.

I guess now I just have to work on LIKING the fact that I'm misunderstood, because, let's face it.  I'm going to be misunderstood.  I'm going to get a bad rap.

I'm not being pessimistic by saying that, either.  I'm just addressing the reality of the situation.  How I choose to DEAL with that reality is what matters.  I can be gloomy about it, or I can be starkly honest about it, or I can be sarcastic about it, or occasionally, I can be gracious and make the most out of any situation.

Because pointing out that there are clouds in the sky and that it will probably rain doesn't mean I hate the rain.

But even if I did...

"The nice thing about rain," said Eeyore, "is that it stops."
"Eventually."

 But I really do kind of like the rain.

And Eeyore's most quotable line actually has a lot more meaning than I originally understood.  Because, Eeyore, just like everyone else, just wants to be known.

Thanks for noticing me.

Don't Stifle Me Because I'm Beautiful (Another False Dilemma)

I'm probably going to get some flack for this, but I really think I need to put my thoughts out there.  Recently, I've been reading a LOT about how you shouldn't tell little girls that they're pretty.  Many of these articles I've read state that telling a little girl that she's pretty or beautiful leads them to focus on their physical appearance as their self-worth.  Some of these articles (a good number of them, actually), have gone so far as to imply that if you tell a little girl she's pretty, you're going to discourage her from pursuing a career in math or science.

I don't completely disagree with ANY of these articles, but I think most of the ideas behind them have some problems.  I'm not going to post any links to articles (just go type "don't tell a girl she's pretty" into Google, and you'll be set, friend), but here's a popular YouTube video (ad for Verizon) that's been appearing up on my Facebook newsfeed a lot over the past week.





Now, let me just start by saying that I do think that perhaps the parents in this video were just a little bit harsh to discourage "Samantha" or "Sam" the girl in the video (she has a gender-bending name--don't think I didn't catch that) from being curious or for getting her hands/dress/house dirty in the pursuit of curiosity.  But I also think it's a HUGE jump to say that telling a girl she's pretty is going to lead a little girl away from academic pursuits.

Perhaps it was because I was raised in a home where my parents taught me to use my brain.  My dad was a Science teacher, my mom an English teacher.  They both told my older sister and I that we were beautiful girls.  They bought us pretty dresses and mom put our hair in barrettes.  But they also encouraged us to be curious, to be avid readers and explorers, and to think for ourselves.  Sure, mom fussed at me sometimes for getting dirty or for messing up some of her stuff, but for the most part, my parents were great about letting my sister and I (and my brother too, but this is a post about girls) have freedom to figure things out for ourselves.

But here's the thing.  My sister grew up and became a rocket scientist.  I didn't.

And the reason I really think I need to address this issue is because I think people are in danger of over-correcting.  They see that girls are being told that they're pretty, and that seems to make little girls think that their appearance is more important than their intelligence.  So people start to think that the solution is to emphasize intellect and completely eliminate beauty.  And I think there's a lot of danger in this.

I think this whole MOVEMENT started when I was in middle school, or maybe a little bit before, back in the 1980s or 90s.  I started seeing PSAs then about how girls should be more interested in math and science, about how girls who loved math and science were really smart and smart is cool, about how pursuing math and science was the BEST THING EVER.  Only, I wasn't really good at science (it was fun, but not something I wanted to study the rest of my life--I much preferred science fiction!), and I was AWFUL at math.  I have always been awful at math.  Add to that the fact that my older sister was always brilliant in math and science, and that was just a recipe for low-self-esteem issues.  This was the opposite of what the PSAs intended, but I think other girls might have had similar reactions to them.

Because, believe it or not, 'Merica, there are other fields of academics besides math and science.  And the reason I didn't go into math and science wasn't because I was told I was pretty.  It was because I'm just not good at math and science.  And, contrary to what these over-correctors seem to be indicating, I'm NOT an idiotic bimbo who only thinks about my appearance because I didn't become an engineer.

And in case you think I'm being too harsh with the accusation above, let me just point out that in some of those articles I read, it was suggested that telling a girl she's pretty would lead girls away from math and science and into menial careers like childcare.

I am in childcare.

I happen to love it.

I happen to have gifts for it.

I happen to think I'm brilliant at it.

I happen to think I'm making a difference in the lives of children and families.

I happen to think that childcare is NOT a menial career.

And I didn't go into childcare because people told me I was a pretty little girl.

In fact, I wasn't even the prettiest of children.  My parents made me get my hair cut short because it was hard to take care of (I still have unruly hair, but I possess great magic known as a flat iron, now), so I looked like a boy.  I had glasses that were too big for me.  I was overweight.  So I didn't get the "pretty" compliment as much as a lot of other girls.  But let me tell you something else, I CRAVED it.  Even though I consider myself an attractive woman now, I still crave to be told I'm beautiful.

And if you wanna disagree with me about gender stereotypes or whatever, I'm just going to agree to disagree with you.  I just really think it's ingrained in a woman's brain to WANT to BE beautiful.  Please don't misunderstand what I said.  I didn't say women want to LOOK beautiful (although that's often the case, too).  I said they want to BE beautiful.  They want other people to recognize the beauty in them.  And that's the point I really want to make here, is that there's nothing wrong, absolutely NOTHING wrong with telling a little girl she's beautiful.  There's nothing wrong with telling a girl to twirl in her pretty dress for you.  There's nothing wrong with telling a girl that she has cute freckles on her button nose or big brown eyes or pretty curls.

The only time that there's anything wrong with that is if that's ALL you tell a little girl.  Because what we really have here is a false dilemma.  I think people, these over-correctors, are assuming that you have to EITHER tell a little girl that she's beautiful OR you have to tell a little girl she's smart.  People, people, people.  It's NOT an EITHER-OR situation.  It's a BOTH-AND.

Leonard Hofstadter knows what's up.

I'm going to use my sister as an example again.  She is a BEAUTIFUL woman who wears makeup and loves jewelry.  But, as I mentioned before, she's a rocket scientist, y'all.  She's an engineer.  She designs jet propulsion systems and does a lot of super-genius stuff and holds her own in a world that is male dominated.  She ALSO is a fantastic cook, a gardener, a more than adequate seamstress, a former wedding planner, and is a wonderful wife and a terrific mother to one adorable boy and three beautiful little girls--with another little girl on the way.  With so many little girls in her house, things get interesting.  And one of the most interesting things is that she once told me, back when she only had one little girl and one little boy, that I was never EVER to call her daughter "princess" or "diva."  She wanted to raise her kids up without excessive girliness.

The thing that happened though, with the second daughter, was that there was no way to KEEP this little lady from being girly.  She's six now, but I think my second niece had a Diva Princess party for her fourth birthday.  Why?  What changed in my sister?  Well, my sister is an amazing mom who has come to understand that kids have minds of their owns, and she wants to encourage them to think for themselves.

She also acknowledges VERY often how extremely intelligent my second niece is--seriously, the kid is a genius, and I'm not just biased.  My sister compliments her on her appearance (because my second niece will DEMAND to be told she's beautiful if you don't say it often enough) and on her intellect and fearless attitude.  My sister brags on all her kids, to others and to them, about ALL their talents and attributes.

And I personally watch three young ladies that have been in my care for almost 6 years.  I've watched them grow up, and they're still growing into beautiful, talented, intelligent young ladies.  They're all beautiful girls, and I tell them so, but I also make sure they know how proud I am of them for their intelligence and athletic ability.  These girls are soccer stars!  They're beautiful, intelligent soccer stars.  And there's nothing wrong with that, and there's nothing wrong with TELLING them that.

It really frightens me a little to see where this MOVEMENT is headed.  I'm not saying it's wrong to encourage girls to study math or science or other academics.  I just think we're in danger of over-correction.  I think we're trying to push something, but at the risk of losing the other.  It's a balance, people.

And I know this world is just full of things that fight to destroy a woman's self-image.  The battle DOES begin at childhood.  But don't make the mistake of pushing a false dilemma.  Encourage your daughters (and your sons) that it's okay to be curious and get their hands dirty.  Encourage your children that they really are cute (I have also seen it's a double-standard, that apparently it's okay to tell a boy he's cute, but it's no longer appropriate to tell a girl she's pretty--what up with that?).  I think there's a way to balance letting a child know they're adorable without making their entire self-image revolve around their adorableness.

Basically, appreciate each child for who he or she is--both in your words and actions.  Don't push them towards science if science isn't their thing.  Don't push them away from fairy tale princesses if they are drawn towards fairy tale princesses.  There's more than one kind of beauty and intellect in this world.  If we push too hard for a child to be interested in something he or she is just not interested in, we're just as guilty as we would be if we pulled a child away from something that really did interest him or her.  And the tragedy is that we're going to miss out on who that child really is.

And chances are, that child is beautiful.

Loving Leadership

If you had told sixteen year old me that I’d one day be writing a blog about leadership, sixteen year old me would laugh at you and then eat seven cookies.  Because sixteen year old me really believed she’d only ever be a follower, and sixteen year old me really had no concept of what too many calories can do to a person.

Leadership is still something that really does not come naturally to me at all, but I’ve somehow found myself in a few leadership positions, lately.  It’s definitely been a learning experience.  God’s used these leading opportunities to teach me more about choosing love over fear.  …because apparently, when you put an insecure person like me in charge of something, well, there’s going to be some sort of struggle.

Struggles aren’t always bad.  They’re just something you have to work through.  I figure that’s why they’re called struggles.

Well, I’m no expert, but here are some of the things I’ve learned about leadership over the past several months:

1. Grace, grace, grace. 

Leadership takes grace.  Lots of grace.  If leadership were ice cream, it would need to be covered in chocolate grace sauce, caramel grace sauce, whipped grace cream, and a generous portion of rainbow grace sprinkles.  And also a big ol’ grace cherry on top.  Now I’m thinking about calories again….

But really, you can’t have leadership without tons and tons of grace.  I mean both from the leaders AND the followers AND from YOURSELF.  I’ve been a follower, and believe me, followers make mistakes.  I’ve been a leader, and BELIEVE me, leaders make mistakes.  Sometimes even the best leaders have to deal with people who think a leader has to be perfect.  But what’s worse is a leader who acts like he/she HAS to be perfect.  Don’t put unrealistic expectations on others.  Don’t put unrealistic expectations on yourself. 

Let me tell you about one of the most gracious people I’ve ever had the opportunity to work with.  My assistant teacher in my preschool class last year was amazing. 

Now, God has a sense of humor, and wouldn’t you know that he put the soft-spoken person (me) in a classroom with a hard of hearing person (my assistant teacher).  So sometimes I would ask her to do something or somehow give direction, and she wouldn’t hear me.  And I’m not going to lie.  I got MAD.  I do that sometimes.  I thought she was just ignoring me or just doing her own thing, because, as I might have mentioned before, I’m insecure. 

So when I got frustrated and confronted her about these times, she would just meekly say, “I’m sorry.  I really didn’t hear you.”  And then I’d feel like dirt, and I’d apologize.

And she forgave me.  Every time.  And on top of that she would make sure she knew how much she appreciated my leadership and friendship.  And THAT, my friends, is an example of a gracious follower, one who has the potential to be a great leader, too.  It’s also an example of a not so gracious leader—but, thank God, that leader (me) is learning.

2. HUMILITY

This kind of goes along with the first one.  When I gave that example of a not so gracious leader (me), there was a redeeming factor.  Eventually.  It might have taken me awhile to get there, but I took notice of the times when I was just plain wrong, and I acknowledged them and sincerely apologized for them.  Because a good (or, in my case, a growing) leader is humble.

In the past few months, God’s taught me a lesson in this through the poor leadership choices of others.  I've been under leaders who would make mistakes and just flatly REFUSE to acknowledge any fault.  I think the rationale is that if a leader appears weak, then those under leadership will lose faith.  And there is that risk.  But leadership is about risk, sometimes, and it’s far better to admit a mistake and even to admit weakness than to stubbornly cling to an ideal that probably doesn’t exist.  In the case of the faulty leadership I was under, the “I’m the leader, I can’t be wrong” mentality only fostered a huge lack of trust in the leadership.

If a leader admits weakness, it can actually help to create a bond of unity between that leader and those he or she is leading.  If a leader can mess up, admit weakness, apologize, and get back up to try again, that creates a positive example people can follow.  If a leader is just going to be stubborn and pretend to be right all the time, that’s setting up a very different template for those under him or her to follow.  Leaders who act pridefully might just end up with a lot of prideful people underneath them.  They’re just following the leader, after all.

3. Servanthood

As humility went along with grace, servanthood goes along with humility.  The best leaders I’ve seen lead by example.  A leader should never expect one of those under him or her to do something that he or she wouldn’t do.  A leader cannot say, “I’m the leader.  I’m above such and such task,” and then go send someone else to do it. 

Now, delegation of duties is important.  I’m not saying that a leader shouldn’t give a menial or routine task to another person.  This can free the leader up to do something else that might require his or her attention.  But a leader can’t just act like he or she is too good for something that people under him or her are doing. 

I’ve been in churches where some of the ministers would go work in the nursery because there was a shortage of workers.  They were serving in a place that didn’t seem important, but their example was incredible.  By serving others in a simple way, they were blessing parents, other nursery workers, and showing the church that anyone can and should serve wherever needed. 

And in my own preschool classroom, I learned that as a leader, my job was to serve all the children in my class, all of their parents, and my assistant teacher.  My assistant and I had a few communication problems, for which she gave me much grace, but I eventually realized that part of my job was finding ways that I could serve her better.  I could give her clearer directions, ask her if she was comfortable doing the things I gave her to do, be open to suggestions, etc.  I was the lead teacher, but as the leader, my job was mainly to serve.  When I realized that, I think it helped me become a better teacher, and that preschool class was the best I’d had in four years of teaching.

4. Exhortation

Part of a leader’s job is to seek out strengths, as well as recognize weaknesses, in others.  Knowing strengths helps with delegation and teamwork and other matters, but it’s more important than that.  A leader who encourages others shows others that he or she notices them and appreciates them.   A leader who sees special qualities or talents in a person can express appreciation, which usually serves to encourage the person to use his or her special skills all the more.  A leader who sees a weak area can provide the support needed to build a person up.  A leader won’t let anyone else tear others down, either, weaknesses or no.

Sometimes a leader can just get a good sense of things and know what is best for his or her team.  Sometimes a leader needs to actually talk to the people under his or her guidance and get to know them.  Sometimes a leader needs to lovingly struggle through difficult situations with others.  If a leader is willing to get to know people and figure out how best to make them feel appreciated, then those who are following him or her are much more likely to be loyal.  That's going to lead to a better working situation for everyone.

5. Protection

A leader protects those under his or her care, at the cost of his or her own welfare.

A leader stands up for those who aren’t able or willing to stand up for themselves, sometimes at the risk of offending someone and risking his or her own position.

A leader fights for justice for those under his or her care.

A leader makes sure that everyone is heard.

A leader defends those who have been wronged.

Sometimes a leader even puts him or herself in bodily harm for the sake of protecting others.

And in my leadership experience, I certainly haven’t had to put myself at physical risk.  But I have had the opportunity to defend others.  And I’m glad that I can at least say that I did defend them in those opportunities. 

I’ve also been blessed to have others defend me under their leadership.  It’s always encouraging to know that someone has your back, no matter if you succeed or fail.

I am still learning how to be a good leader, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be that leader I’d like to be.  I’m still much more comfortable in following, because following requires so much less responsibility.  The thing about following is that if something goes wrong, there’s usually someone in charge that you can blame the bulk of it on.  It's much harder being the one in charge.

But I’m glad I’ve had the opportunities to see that the struggle of leading others is usually worth it.  The sixteen year old me was wrong.  About the leadership AND the cookies. 

But I really could go for a grace sundae right now.

Looking Forward

It's probably been a mercy to the readers of my blog that I haven't had a computer this year, until now (I just obtained a new-to-me, gently used laptop that will hopefully serve me for a few years).  I have had a very interesting year, and I think it's been good that I haven't been able to blog every last detail of it to death.  I think, perhaps, it's been better that I've had a good long chance to process all that's happened to me this year before spilling it out in dozens of over-sharing blogs that would probably bore my readers to tears.

I'm not exactly sure what direction the blog is going, but I decided it was time to attempt a fresh start (I revamped the look...you like?).  For now, here's a little update on things that have happened in the past six months or so, and how God's been faithfully teaching me and growing me.

I theme every year, as my long-time readers know, with words from the Biblical Christmas account.  2014's theme is "Do not be afraid."  I knew when I prayerfully chose that theme that it would be a year that would stretch and grow me, but I could never anticipate how much and in how many ways God would stretch and grow me.

I think the main thing that God has taught me this year is that there are two main ways that I can choose to respond to challenges, especially challenges regarding other people.  I can choose fear--which manifests itself through insecurity, anger, defensiveness, accusations, gossip, etc.  I can also choose love--which overlooks offenses, which seeks understanding, which honors another person over self, which rejoices in the truth.  In a lot of ways, I've found love to be the opposite, the antithesis of fear.  That's what my song of the year, "Love Alone is Worth the Fight" by Switchfoot is about.  It's been a great song to go along with my theme, a great reminder that love, though difficult, really is worth it.

I'm a terribly insecure person, and I'm far from perfect.  I definitely haven't always reacted lovingly this year.  But God has blessed me with a lot of situations that have given me opportunities to learn.  And I know I am learning--not because I'm really all that teachable, but because God is just gracious like that.

I could go into great detail about a lot of individual situations, but that would make this blog extremely long, and I'm trying to learn to be more concise.  That's hard for someone like me, especially when I haven't been able to write in a long time.  But to make this less tedious for everyone, I'm just going to list (and briefly?? explain) some of the things that have happened this year, some of the ways God's been working.

-I've had a few uncomfortable work situations, in multiple jobs, that have helped me realize that I'm not the only one with insecurities.  I'm tempted sometimes to believe I'm under attack, when in reality, the other person is just as defensive as I am--in some cases, even more so.  When other people, especially non-Christians, act or react out of fear, that gives me a unique opportunity to show love to them.  It isn't easy, especially when I believe, or even know, that I'm right.  Sometimes, showing love to someone means giving up our rights to be right.  It's particularly difficult for me because I am a brutally honest person, and I don't like it when I feel that truth is compromised.  But in choosing love over fear, we often have to surrender and trust God to uphold truth and justice.  After all, He has a lot better of an understanding of it than we do.

-I've had to let go of a lot of things.  Honestly, the first six months of this year have been some of the most freeing, healing times of my life.  I don't want to go into great detail in this, because while I don't mind sharing my own business, I don't want to invade the private lives of others.  I just finally was able to let go completely of a former relationship I had been holding onto for almost a decade.  The reason I held on to it was because I firmly believe I was supposed to, up until recently.  And there's probably still a lot of people who would disagree with that assessment, and that would have really hurt my feelings in the past, but I don't care anymore.  It wasn't their struggle.  It was mine.  And I'm exceedingly thankful for it.  There's a time and a season to gather stones, and there's a time to scatter them.  If I trusted God in the gathering, I'm also going to trust Him in the scattering.  That's really just all there is to it.  I'm just grateful that He's taken me on this journey, that He called me to cling to something for a season, that the season is over.  I'm grateful now that He's calling me to something else.  I don't know what I'm looking forward to--I'm just looking forward.

-One of my resolutions this year was to keep my eyes open for new opportunities.  I'm not at all a risk-taker or a thrill-seeker, but I at least wanted to keep an open mind when an opportunity presented itself  I don't know how faithful I've been in that, but there's at least one new scary-awesome thing I've taken on.  For the past three or four months, I've been singing with a small Christian rock band that I was asked to join.  It's not that big of a deal, but it's something that has taken me way out of my comfort zone.  Some of the music is way more hardcore than anything I've ever tried to sing before (I'm a church choir geek, not a rocker), and learning to sing and communicate with a group of very talented and experienced musicians has proved to be a blessing and a challenge.  It's still a new thing to me, and I've got a lot of insecurities to work through (don't I always?).  But I'm grateful for this new opportunity, and I'm anticipating what God's going to do through all of this.  At any rate, I've made a few new cool friends.

-I'm writing again.  Or, I'm trying to.  I've had so many ridiculous setbacks and part of me has wondered if God even wants me to keep pursuing these dreams.  I've been filling up notebooks with potential song lyrics.  I've got stories in my head that need to be written out.  Now that I have a computer again (thank God), that should help.  I just have to get motivated.  But I believe that even in these struggles, love alone is worth the fight.  I'm praying for grace to persevere.

-I'm learning how to accept blessings.  I didn't think this was a huge struggle for me, but I guess it really has been one all my life.  I used to just flatly refuse large monetary gifts, and, in so doing, inadvertently insult people.  I tend to feel really guilty over just about everything--so it was a lose-lose situation for me. If I accepted the gift, I felt guilty.  If I didn't accept the gift, I felt guilty.  And that's so not what the giver ever wanted me to feel.  They wanted me to be blessed; they wanted to feel blessed.  I'm slowly, slowly learning that "the earth is the Lord's and everything in it."  It's not easy, but it's easier to have the attitude that "my stuff" isn't really my stuff.  It's God's.  It's harder for me to come to the attitude that "another person's stuff" isn't really that other person's stuff.  It's also God's.  It is ALL God's.  And I'm grateful that a lot of people have chosen to give to me lately, who have expressed to me that they're just stewards of what God possesses.  I'm learning that if I'm blessed beyond what I think I deserve or what I think I need, then the best thing I can do is just pass that blessing on to someone else.  It's not like it was ever really mine to begin with.  And if I can bless and be blessed by accepting a gift from someone and then pass a little of that blessing on, well, that's just a triple blessing right there.  Maybe even a quadruple blessing.  That's some awesome stuff right there.

-I'm learning that sometimes I need to stand up for myself, but not at all in the way people think.  And I might write a separate blog on this, because it's been a HUGE realization to me--it's one of those things in my life that made my whole outlook on things do a 180 turn.  All our lives, we get told that we should just be ourselves, right?  I have always believed that, and I've always had a pretty good idea of who I am.  So you'd think I wouldn't have much of a problem in just being myself.  Except, the wolves are often in sheep's clothing, and sometimes even the wolves are completely unaware of that they're not sheep.  I've had a lot of well-intentioned people tell me over the years that I need to be more assertive, that I need to speak up, that I need to stand up for myself.  They tell me I need to be more confident in who I am, that I need to be bolder, that I need to stop apologizing for little things, and WOMAN up.  So for years, I wondered what was wrong with me that I was still timid.  I wondered why I struggled so much with anxiety, with self-esteem, with self-confidence, etc.  People would quote from the Scripture, "God hasn't given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power..." and cause me to go on these huge guilt trips because I still had a spirit of fear and timidity, and very little spirit of power.  I'm not trying to say that the Scripture that was relevant for Paul and Timothy isn't relevant to us here and now, but I do think it's been misquoted and misapplied A LOT.  'Cause here's the thing.  I'm not fearless.  I'm not confident.  I'm not bold and brave and self-assured.  And I don't think any amount of prayer or Bible reading or Spiritual exercise is going to make me all those things that well-meaning people have said I have to be.  I can't speak for Paul because I'm not Paul.  I can't speak for Timothy because I'm not Timothy.  All I know is that, for me, Christianity, faith, life in general, it's all a process and it's all a struggle.  And being fearless doesn't mean I'm just going to pray a prayer or quote a Scripture and suddenly lose all my fear and doubt.  It means that I'm going to constantly strive, day by day, moment by moment, situation by situation, to choose love over fear.  And I've learned that when people tell me I have to be confident or self-assured or some other blasted thing that I JUST CAN'T BE, then I'm going to have to stand up for myself in a way that they never intended.  I'm going to have to assert my non-assertiveness, and unapologetically stand up for my apologetic nature.  I'm going to have to speak up for the fact that I'm often a quiet person.  It's a bit of a paradox, perhaps, but I think that's who I am.  I like myself.  I like who I am.  I know I've offended some people with this attitude, and that makes me sad, but I can't do much about how other people are going to respond to me.  I am only responsible for my own actions and reactions.  And yes, I have to show grace and love to people even in this, because I know most people really have every intention of being helpful and not harmful.  It's just that I can no longer just allow people to walk all over me about the fact that I let people walk all over me.  I really am just a weak fool who God is choosing to shame the strong and wise, and that's the greatest hope someone like me could ever have.

Well, that's been this year so far, more or less.  I'm really grateful for all that I've learned, for all that I'm still learning.  I wrote above that I'm not very teachable, but I think God's really working to make me more teachable.  And if that's the case, then it's true that nothing is impossible with God, 'cause I'm a hot mess, y'all. 

But He's good.  He's patient.  He's faithful.  And this year has been an incredible journey.  It's only about halfway over, too.  So, yeah.  I'm looking forward.

The Word for 2014

As few and as far between as my posts have been lately, I thought now would be as good a time as any to announce my word and song for 2014.

I assume that people who read my blog have read previous blogs I've written about my weird tradition, but let me explain for any possible new readers.  For the past several years, around Christmas, I have been choosing a word from the Biblical account of Christmas that will set the tone for the following year.  The first word I chose was Joy, then Peace, then Hope, and last Christmas, this year, my word was Glory.  Three years ago, I also added a song to the mix--my "Year of Hope" had a theme song--"My Hope is in You" as performed by Aaron Shust.  This year, my "Year of Glory," my theme song was Jason Gray's "It's Good to Be Alive" which is about giving God glory for your life just by living to the fullest. 

I focus on words from Christmas because, well, Christmas is kind of a big deal for me.  It's kind of my focal point of the whole year.

Honestly, all year I've been kind of worried about my word and song for 2014.  Last Christmas season (and keep in mind, my Christmas season starts in September and runs through about March), I knew exactly what my word was going to be.  I knew what it was going to be all year.  Almost as soon as I picked "Hope" for my  word for 2012, I knew that "Glory" was going to be my word for 2013.  But this year, I had no clue.  I kept thinking, "Well, it will come to me," but by August, I was starting to get worried. 

Then September came, and I was really worried.  I had no clue what the word was going to be.  October came, and I was starting to think that maybe the tradition was over.

...but then one October morning on the way to church, I heard a song on the radio.  It was a newly released song that I'd never heard before.  Usually, when I hear a song, I have to hear it a few times before the lyrics sink in and I decide I like it.  But I only had to hear this song once, and I knew.  I knew this was going to be my song of the year. 

Because one line of the song really stood out to me, and suddenly I also knew what my word of 2014 was going to be.

And actually, a "word" for 2014 isn't really an appropriate description, because it's not a word.  It's a phrase.  It's one of my favorite phrases in all of Scripture, and it's said on multiple occasions in the Biblical Christmas story.

"Don't Be Afraid."

And when I think about it, God's been weaving that theme through so much of my life this past year.  I'd read about God calling Joshua and Israel to be strong and courageous.  I even wrote a blog back near Easter about not being afraid, relating back to the Christmas story.  You would think I'd get the memo then, but it takes me awhile.

I'm afraid of a lot of things--and new fears pop up all the time.  But 2014 is the year I really focus on the command "Don't Be Afraid."  The angels always gave reasons we don't have to fear--and all of those reasons point back to Jesus and what He has done so that we can fully live for God's glory.

The song for 2014?  "Love Alone is Worth the Fight" by Switchfoot. 

"And we'll find what we're made of through the open door.  Is it fear you're afraid of?  What are you waiting for?  Love alone is worth the fight!"

It's a powerful song, but so full of hope.  And that's where I want to be as this year closes and the next year begins.  I want to fight the things that I fear, because the life God is calling me to live is so worth living.  I don't know if I'll succeed in making some long-suffered dreams come true.  I don't know if I'll just keep struggling through with what I have now (which is already more than I deserve--a wonderful life).  I do believe I'll choose joy.  I do believe I'll pursue peace.  I do believe there will be so much hope.  I do believe God will be glorified.  And I do believe it's time to be strong and courageous, to face the Dragons again, to be who God is making me to be just as hard as I can be.  Love is worth it.  Life is worth it.  He is worth it. 

So merry Christmas, maybe a little early for you--but I feel like it's right on time.  "Don't Be Afraid." 

...great...now I gotta make a Christmas decoration with that phrase, because I don't think I'll be able to find one, at least not for cheap.

Oh here.  Enjoy this song, my song of 2014.

Changed

Well, it finally happened. 

When the Disney movie, "Beauty and the Beast" came out when I was 11, it changed my young life.  Obsession is too small a word for what I experienced.  I didn't just love Belle; I wanted to be Belle.  I didn't just want to watch the movie and listen to the soundtrack over and over and over, I wanted to live the story as my own personal story.  I would pray at night that God would let me grow up and be just like Belle.  And when my 11-12 year old brain, which was, even then, prone to realism, understood that I could never actually BE Belle, I would pray that I could at least go to sleep and dream that I was Belle every night. 

To my recollection, God never let me have that kind of a dream.

But that didn't stop me from dreaming about being Belle while I was awake. 

Now, I had other obsessions.  I still have lots of obsessions.  I have one of those annoying personalities that is either disinterested in something or OHMYGOSHTHISISTHEBESTTHINGEVER.  But Belle and "Beauty and the Beast" always held a dear, dear place in my heart.  And I used to wish and pray that there would be a play version, which eventually became a reality.

Now, the reason I wanted a stage play version was that I could go into musical theater and BE Belle.  And even when reality struck again and I realized that being in musical theater was just NOT going to happen for me (for several reasons--mainly because I just don't have the right kind of personality to be a successful actress), I was still obsessed with the stage musical.  But first it was only in New York.  Then it was touring, but not near me.  Then it was touring near me, but I was too broke to go. 

Then something miraculous happened.

The mom of the kids I watch called me and said, "I won two tickets to 'Beauty and the Beast,' and I can't use them.  I thought of you first!"

And 22 years after I first saw the movie, I finally got to see the stage play.  And you'd better believe I was excited.

I only found out I had the tickets the day before the performance, so I didn't have too much time to get myself psyched up.  I mainly couldn't believe it was finally happening.  I just figuratively started pinching myself on the way there, as we entered the theater, as we took our seats. 

Now, since the tickets were freebies, I thought we might be getting some really good seats.  But...we were in the last possible row of seats, in the second balcony, of the theater.  But no matter.  I was about to realize a dream, about to fulfill a fantasy, about to start an obsession all over again. 

I was a little bit afraid of what would happen.

But here is what actually happened.

I watched the show.  And the show was good.  The show was amazingly, awesomely, good.

But it was just a show.

I remember feeling a little bit deflated during the intermission.  I thought perhaps that it was the fact that we were so far away from the stage that I could hardly see what was going on.  I thought perhaps it was the fact that I'd put on good-smelly lotion right before the show and was self-conscious about how strong the smell was.  I wasn't really sure why I wasn't as deliriously happy as I thought I should be.

Now, when the stage musical first came out, sometime in the late 1990s, I immediately bought the soundtrack.  I memorized the songs.  I knew them all by heart.

But a funny thing happens to musicals when they've been out for a while.  Some songs get cut out.  Other songs get added in.  So I was surprised when near the end of the play, Belle sang a song I'd never heard before.  It was one of those haunting melodies that makes your soul wake up and pay attention, but the words really made me think.

It was called "A Change in Me," and ironically enough, this song--a song from this musical that I'd been dreaming of seeing and LIVING for years and years and years--explained why that childhood dream was no longer at all important to me.

Here are the lyrics:

There's been a change in me
A kind of moving on
Though what I used to be
I still depend on
For now I realize
That good can come from bad
That may not make me wise
But oh it makes me glad

And I-- I never thought I'd leave behind
My childhood dreams
But I don't mind
For now I love the world I see
No change of heart a change in me

For in my dark despair
I slowly understood
My perfect world out there
Had disappeared for good
But in it's place I feel
A truer life begin
And it's so good and real
It must come from within

And I-- I never thought I'd leave behind
My childhood dreams but I don't mind
I'm where and who I want to be
No change of heart
A change in me

I had all these crazy dreams of being in musical theater, of pretending to be different people, of escaping reality to temporarily become someone else.  But the thing is, I love my reality so much, now.  I love teaching my preschoolers.  I love writing.  I love singing in church and writing songs about God.  I love the work God has called me to do.  My life isn't perfect and there is so much I still long to pursue, but there's been a change in me, too.  It doesn't come from within as much as it comes from God--but it's because God is within.

My childhood wasn't always happy (not because of my family, but because I never fit in with others in school, etc.).  I wanted "so much more than that provincial life," and I got it, but not at all in the way I expected.  And that's okay.  In fact, it's actually pretty good. 

I'm really grateful I finally had the opportunity to see that play.  It was a great play.  I had a great time, but then I went back to my house and lay my head on my pillow and thanked God for the life I have, the life He's given and is giving to me. 

Silly Superfluous Saturday Stew

I missed the last two Fiction Fridays.  To make up for that, I'm going to stir you up a little Silly Superfluous Saturday Stew.

So, I recently moved into a new house.  I also obtained a new housemate, in addition to my previous flatmate, who moved from the flat to the house with me.  I'm not British, but flat sounds so much cooler than apartment.  So there's extra estrogen in my life with all the female housemates, which can only be amplified by the new PINK bedroom, in which I currently sleep and keep my stuff.  And, due to the fact that mummy dearest sells Mary Kay (you need a consultant?  She ships anywhere in the continental USA, my friends...and maybe even further, but probably not to the moon.  Yet.), I have acquired lots of PINK stuff which I can use to decorate my new PINK room.  In addition to that, my good friend Dianna got me one of those shiny metallic balloons that is PINK, looks like a tiara, and says, "Princess" in large princessy letters.  This balloon remained airborne, floating near the ceiling, for over six months.  And in fact, it was still floating on its side a few inches off the floor, like a dying fish, flipping its little special fin, fighting until the end, when I took a pair of scissors to that sucka, let all the air out, and folded it up to pack to the new house and the new PINK room.  Because when a balloon lasts THAT long, it deserves to come with you wherever you go and add PINKness to your life.

So now I have a PINK room with PINK stuffs with a PINK tiara to hang up somewhere...and well, pretty much, I have the bedroom of five-year-old me's dreams. 

Thirty-three year old me is coping.  Just fine.

The jobs are all going well.  My stuff is slowly finding its way out of boxes and into places on shelves or in closets or somewhere inside the depths of my tiny PINK room.  I'm hoping to start writing again.  And...maybe find some gumption somewhere so that I can start trying to SELL some of my writing...again.

Also, I've had a discovery lately that if Grumpy Cat were a human being, she would pretty much look just like me.

We're practically identical.  Also, I taught one of my barely two-year-old preschoolers how to use a banana phone this week.  He used his sippy cup, but he still got the general idea.  I'm teaching my preschoolers lots of important things, I am. 

And speaking of Grumpy Cat and Banana Phones, I'm thinking about going to see Beauty and the Beast--the Broadway musical version.  It's coming to a nearby city next week, and I really want to go.  This has pretty much been a dream of mine since before Beauty and the Beast--the Broadway musical version--was even a thing.  Because about 1991 or so, when the animated Disney flick came out, I was 11 and I was OBSESSED.  I would run out into my back yard and start singing "I want adventure in the great wide somewhere!  I want it more than I can tell!"  Only Philippe would never come and tell me that my Papa had been captured by a Beast in a scary magical castle.  And I didn't live in a French village.  And I wasn't being pursued by a burly attractive chauvinistic idiot.  But who cares, no big deal, I wanted MORE.  ...wait, wrong Disney movie....

I wanted to be Belle.  And when reality set in and I realized I could never ACTUALLY be Belle (and that Stockholm Syndrome isn't all its cracked up to be), I started praying for a Broadway musical version of Beauty and the Beast so that I could grow up and portray Belle. 

Only...musical theater and I could never happen.  I can sing all right, but I can't dance.  Plus, I'm allergic to rehearsals.  And I doubt my acting is as great as I once imagined it was...but I digress.

So basically, I just try to live as much like Belle as possible, and I pray that some day I'll find me a big hairy guy to marry.  And maybe a talking tea pot. 

And until then, I'll at least try to go see the musical.  And try not to sing along with all the songs.  Even though I know them all.  And probably could sing them rather well.

I still can't dance.

I'm also thinking about seeing the Christian guy group, "Tenth Avenue North" this month, but I have never had any dreams of being a Christian guy group.

Well, until I get my act together and start blogging like a real blogger again, stay PINK, my friends.