Sunday, August 14, 2011

Sunday Update: Tunnel Vision?

I've arrived at that time of the year when I just want to run around in circles screaming, "I NEED A ROUTINE OR I'M GOING TO PUNCH THE CALENDAR IN THE FACE!"  I'm well aware of the fact that my calendar doesn't really have a face--well, actually, it does.  It has lots of them.  It has faces of cute snuggly kitty cats, and I seriously doubt I could ever bring myself to really punch their furry faces, even if they're just printed on shiny paper.  Come to think of it, since they are just printed on shiny paper, punching them would not do any good.  I'd probably just hurt myself by punching the wall behind their shiny calendar faces, so I'd be left without a routine or a...functional hand.  And since I don't have health insurance, punching walls would be a bad idea.  I like having functional hands.

But there's a light at the end of the tunnel.  At least, I think there is.  I'm hoping that I don't get to the light at the end of the tunnel just to find that it's some kind of artificial light inside another even longer tunnel.  In less than a month, I'll be on a fairly regular schedule with the majority of my jobs.  I'll have to be up and ready at about the same time every morning--with the exception of Saturday, when I get to sleep in a whole hour (or use the extra time to go for a run.  I'm trying to make exercise a priority again, because this summer killed all my discipline, or at least knocked it down and stole its lunch money).  While I'm greatly looking forward to a routine, I'm hoping that something doesn't happen to mess it all up. 

I'm not trying to be a pessimist.  It's just that in the past week, I've had scheduling conflicts, and I already know there is another to come  One of these days, I might find some way of being in two places at once, but at this stage of my life, I am still unable to break the laws of physics.  I have managed to bend them slightly, but that's not going to help me when I'm scheduled to be at two different jobs in two different places at the same time. 

So I'm facing a problem where I'm going to have to let someone down, and that just makes me feel irresponsible.  And while I'm not sure how this particular sheduling conflict happened, I know there's no one to blame except for myself because I have tried to do too many things at once.  I'm just hoping that it's a one time thing, that once all the craziness of starting new schedules dies down into a comfortable routine, I'll be able to handle all of it without having to be two places at once.

But even if all of that works out, I've done some basic budgeting, and I've come to the conclusion that once I do reach the end of this routineless, undisciplined tunnel in which I am currently living, I might find that the light has been shut off.  It's hard to imagine that even with working 4 jobs, I"ll be struggling every month to make ends meet, but that's reality.  I'm not trying to be a pessimist, but if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm a hard core realist.  And the reality is, unless I've overlooked something, I'm not gonna have a lot of grocery money in the next few months.  The light at the end of the tunnel isn't going to work too well if I can't pay my utility bills.  I'm 100% sure it's all going to work out.  I'm 100% sure God is going to provide for me in one way or another.  There's not even a fraction of a percentage that doesn't know that deep down.  I'm just a coward because I don't like having things hard.  And it's probably going to be hard because trust is hard, and discipline is hard, but God loves me too much to just make everything easy as I am sometimes dumb enough to ask Him to do for me. 

But walking down a tunnel is not easy.  Sometimes the tunnel is dark and you can't see anything.  So you just have to trust, taking one step at a time, trusting that it's going to lead somewhere good--trusting the One who's guiding, even in the times when you can't sense Him there.  Sometimes you can see light at the end, but you don't know if it's the light that means hope and daylight, or if it's the kind of scary unknown light that makes you want to shout out, "NO!  Don't go towards the light!  DON'T GO TOWARDS THE LIGHT!" 

Sometimes, I'm really a lot happier in the darkness of my tunnel.  It's nice and quiet and safe.  It takes guts to walk towards the light, not knowing where it'll lead.  I've had a great, restful summer, but the wind is starting to change.  I'm no longer feeling restful.  I'm feeling restless.  There's lots work to be done, and not all of it has to do with the 4+ jobs I'll be juggling.  I need to embrace discipline once again--physically and spiritually--even if it means patiently nursing it back to health.  I need to dream again and not wallow in self-pity that has little basis in real-life.  I need to take a step forward, even if I can't see what's ahead.  I'm tired of not doing things just because I don't know how to do them.  Sometimes, you just have to do something and see what happens.

I guess that means I'm walking towards the soon as I have time to breathe!!!

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