MONDAY Update: Courage

I'm not really sure if my main problem is that I'm too smart, or if I'm not smart enough.  Most of the time, I'm going to lean towards the latter.  I mean, I'm no idiot, but I lack a lot of common sense that could really come in handy from time to time.  I often figure I should at least be smart enough to know when to shut up, to know when and how to use tact, to know how to look like I'm interested, when I, in fact, am not. 

The thing I really can't figure out is why a lot of people have said that I'm hard to get to know.  I guess it could be that I'm shy around strangers, but the thing with me is, what you see is usually what you get.  I've learned how to employ small bits of professionalism--even some tact here and there, but I really just don't know how to be fake.  I've tried it a few times, because fake people usually do better in this world for whatever reason, but I can't do it.  And you know, I really think it would be a tragedy if I were able to accomplish fakeness.  I don't like fakeness.  I don't know why anyone does.

But then there are times when it would be nice if I could pretend to be something I'm not.  It would be nice to appear confident when I'm really not that confident at all.  It would be nice to appear to have it all together, when the truth is, I almost never do.  It would be nice if I could fool myself into believing that other people's opinions don't matter to me.  But I'm not smart enough to be able to get past what other people think.

And I had a moment the other day when I really let something that someone said get to me.  I got discouraged.  And it made me start thinking about courage.  Maybe it's this way for most people, or maybe I'm more prone to it since I am emotionally transparent, but it really doesn't take much at all for me to get discouraged.  One perceived discouraging comment can send me into the depths of despair.  On the other hand, one encouraging comment can send me soaring.  Maybe it's because I'm a writer (we're weird like that), but that's just how I am. 

But thinking along those lines only made me more discouraged.  I like root words.  At the root of "discourage" and "encourage" is "courage."  To discourage is to take courage away.  To encourage is to give courage to.  And I couldn't help but feel really unstable if my courage could be given and taken away so easily.

I flip flop back and forth so often in my emotions.  One day I feel strong.  The next day I feel weak.  Some days I feel ready to take on the publishing world, and other days I just want to give up and stop trying.  Lately I've just felt so defeated.  I read all the verses in Scripture about being strong and courageous--and I just wonder what's wrong with me that I can't muster up strength and courage.

So I wrestled with that a little over the weekend.  Finally, I just took my concerns straight to God.  "I'm not able.  I'm not courageous.  I'm not strong.  I'm weak."

I'm not sure how Kosher it would be to state the overall impression I got from the Holy Spirit's response, but my closest interpretation of His response to the confession of my weakness was:

"DUH."

Those times when I feel strong--they're illusions.  I'm not strong.  I am weak.  All the time.  Even when I feel my strongest and most confident, I'm still completely reliant on God.  Apart from Him, I can do nothing.  The flip side to that, however, is that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  I just get it backwards and think I have to be strong before I can actually be strong.  That's just not true.  Never was.  I just like the idea of having control, when the basic reality is, I don't have any.

So my trouble is not that I'm too weak or too cowardly.

My trouble is, I'm too smart.

I really like the movie "Rudy" and I like the character of Rudy.  If you don't know about Rudy because you have lived under a rock your whole life, Rudy was a boy who wanted nothing more than to play football for Notre Dame.  But his grades and athletic skill were sub par.  Still, he persevered and was able to be on the team and play in one game.

I admired Rudy's tenacity and perseverance.  But what I really appreciated about Rudy is that he was simply too dumb to know that he couldn't possibly succeed in attaining his dreams.  He was too dumb to know any better, so he tried anyway.  He tried hard, knocking himself out and facing all sorts of persecution, not even realizing that it was impossible for him to succeed.  And you know what?  He actually succeeded.

The odds against anyone finding a literary agent and becoming a published author are ridiculously slim.  I think that's why a lot of people are turning to self-publishing--not that there's anything wrong with it.  For some people, it's a great option.  But I've had a dream of being a traditionally published author.  I've had it for years.  Self-publishing, to me, seems like a short cut--an easy way into a business that simply shouldn't be easy to get into.  And I'm smart enough to realize that getting traditionally published is a hard thing to accomplish.  Maybe it's even impossible. 

So I keep talking myself out of trying.  If I weren't too smart, maybe I would try because I didn't know any better...but, I am too smart.


And, on the other hand, I'm also too dumb. 

If I don't have control, and since I know I don't have control, it would make logical sense to turn to one who does have control.  God has proven Himself to be faithful.  God has proven Himself to be loving.  God has proven Himself to be good.  God has proven Himself to be able.  God has proven Himself to be strong.  I don't, at least on the surface, doubt these things.  So if I believe all these things about God are true, it should be easy--ridiculously easy--to trust Him.

Trusting Him should give me all the courage I need to try just about anything.  Whether I succeed or fail, I still have what is most important in Him.  And that should give me more courage to keep trying, because ultimately I have nothing to lose.

But I am not smart enough to trust Him.  At least not completely.  I fear the opinions of others.  I fear failure.  I fear so much because I'm not smart enough to trust.

So I guess I'm back to where I started.  I'm not sure if I'm too smart or too dumb.  I figure I'll still be working this one out for a while.

Learning the Impossible

Life can change in a heartbeat.

I was actually starting to get a little ahead on my finances, when BOOM goes the dynamite--I found out I'm NOT getting that tax refund I was expecting. Not even close. Rather, I found out on Friday that I'm having to pay a significant amount to both the Federal and NC governments. It's not as much as it could be, I suppose, but it's a pretty hefty amount. As it turns out, having three jobs pushed me into a little bit of a higher tax bracket. The problem is, since I have three jobs, each separate job was only taking into account the money I was making for that particular job. Long story short, only one of my jobs withheld any money. I have to pay A LOT back to the IRS. I don't have A LOT of money to pay back to the IRS.

My first reaction was utter disbelief and denial. I was expecting refund. How could this happen? I got a refund LAST year and one of my jobs didn't withhold anything. There must be something wrong. So I immediately went and tried to do my taxes on another program. Same result. So I slowly shifted to the state of denial to the state of "Oh crap. I'm going to have to sell a kidney to pay my taxes."

This DOES have something to do with my writing. This has something to do with a lot of different areas of my life. In fact, it has a lot to do with something I wrote about in my last entry. As a Christian, I believe that nothing is impossible with God. The problem is, I don't always believe it as much as I should--I don't believe it completely. I don't always get that knowledge to move from the back of my mind to something firm that I can believe and live out in my faith. I want control. Often, I think I have control. The truth is, I don't have control and never did.

Because life can change in a heartbeat. I can go from foolishly thinking I have it all together to knowing that I don't have anything. Everything I do have is a gift.

The last thing I said in my previous entry was: "And here's...where I remind myself of something that is impossible for me to grasp: Nothing is impossible with God. If I can ever wrap my brain around that, I guess anything will be possible." In other words, it's impossible for me to believe that nothing is impossible. But God is teaching me, and I'm learning. I'm learning that nothing is impossible with God--and since I'm learning that, He's already shown me that He can do the impossible, by teaching me to believe that nothing is impossible through Him.

Hmm. I'm not sure it's possible to understand what I just wrote, but I hope it makes sense.

I first started thinking about that yesterday afternoon. And God did something else that I thought was impossible. He changed my attitude completely. I was still in the stage of "Oh crap! I'm going to have to sell a kidney to pay my taxes," but God moved me to a completely other stage. It was one I couldn't have expected or even believed, but He did it.

I'm now in the stage of thankfulness. I'm in the stage of absolute, amazing, knock-me-to-the-floor gratitude. Why? Because this is something the Lord wants me to go through. This is something He has given me, just like all the other gifts. I guess it's weird to think of financial trouble as a gift, but I'm weird, okay. And God is weird (sorry if that offends you, but if you really think about it, He is pretty strange).

The Lord has given me this situation for reasons I don't yet know, but I'm already seeing some of those reasons. Apparently, I've been under the illusion that I am in control. God pulled that rug out from under me. I'm not in control. I never was in control. One thing I've learned, the Lord is faithful to humble those who ask for it--and I asked for it. I'm overwhelmingly grateful that the Lord loves me enough to give me something that will make me more like Him--to make me more aware that I belong to Him. He's jealous. He won't let me go. He won't let me delude myself in thinking that I'm the main character of my life story--it's not even my story. It's His. He's writing it, and He's writing it for His glory.And this chapter right here is one for which I'm extremely grateful.

I've still got a lot to learn, obviously. It's hard to remember my ultimate goal. It's hard to remember that life is about glorifying Him instead of myself. It's hard to let go of all the control I think I have (though I never really had it).

What does letting go of control even look like? I don't know, but I think it might possibly look like getting over this fear of sending queries. It might possibly look like me taking a few chances by just WRITING instead of trying to have all my proverbial ducks in a row before I start.

One thing it definitely looks like is trust. Letting go of anxiety. Believing that life is more than what I will eat or drink or wear. I honestly have no idea how I'm going to pay my taxes. One thing I do know, it's going to be okay. It's going to be fine. If I end up living on the streets in a cardboard box, I'm going to be just fine. (But I really don't think it's going to come to that. In fact, I don't think I'm even going to have to miss any meals.)

I learned about this tax thing on Friday. Yesterday, Saturday, just one day later, God completely overwhelmed me by giving me this grateful attitude (sorry, I just CAN'T bring myself to say "attitude of gratitude"). It's nothing I could muster up myself. The Lord has done this impossible thing through me. I know He's going to do more. I believe He's doing something in me right now that's preparing me for things further down the road. Those things might have something to do with having published books, or they might not.

But I'm going to be okay.

By the way, I just have to brag on my God some more. Last night, I babysat--long story short I ended up babysitting for kids in three separate families. All of them paid me and they paid me well. The extra babysitting money I got was a drop in the bucket of what I owe, but I have to admit, it was a pretty big and a pretty encouraging drop. I have little doubt that God's going to provide the rest one way or another.

I'm learning. In time I pray He will obliterate even that "little doubt." After all, nothing is impossible with God.