Gifts From the Lord

Warning: I get honest in this one.  You've been warned.

It was probably a little over a year ago that I saw several moms from my church post the same thing on their facebook statuses.  "Children are a gift from the Lord."  They were all posting this because that was the topic of the recent MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) meeting.  As a woman without any kids, my knee-jerk reaction was to sarcastically think, "Oh, so God doesn't give gifts to single, childless people?"  This reaction didn't last more than a few seconds, because I realized that children aren't the only gift from the Lord, and that the people at that MOPS meeting were all moms who needed that encouragement.  And I much later realized that they were quoting a specific Scripture passage:

"Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward." -Psalm 127:3

I like that verse.  I think it's true.  And if it is, then I'm a pretty gifted person. 

I'm single and childless, and lately I've been thinking a lot about that, but not in a sad way.  It's just been something I've been thinking about.  For one thing, I'm still working on starting this website/blog on singlehood and Church unity.  I've also been up to my armpits in other people's kids.  Oh, and I had TWO dreams in ONE night that I had gotten married--in each dream it was to a different guy.  One of my "dream husbands" (and I use that phrase loosely, because he was NOT the man of my dreams at all) had a last name that had a lot of syllables and silent letters, like Crickenquallabonutickleishon or something, only it sounded different than it looked.  So the joke in the dream was that I couldn't pronounce my own last name.  I laughed and woke myself up, which happens to me fairly often.  My dreams are hilarious.

Anyway, with all this thinking about kids and singlehood, I guess it's easy to feel depressed.  Only, I'm not depressed.  The way I see it, I have it pretty good.

Without getting into details (I don't mind sharing my stories, but when they involve others, they're also other people's stories), I got my heart broken when I was in my mid-20s.  We're not talking a little crush heartbreak.  We're talking, "So, I was kind of hoping to spend the rest of my life with you, and now I can't because you don't like me anymore" heartbreak.  And that took me several years to get over, at least as much over it as I'm going to get.  I say this because I want people to understand where I'm coming from.  I've had some people assume that after getting hurt once, I'm too angry/hurt/bitter/etc. to consider dating again.  That's not the case.  I have considered dating again, but it's just not a priority.  Bottom line: I haven't been asked out once since that break-up, which was almost seven years ago.  In fact, I haven't even been interested in anyone.  And that doesn't bother me.  I actually kind of prefer it that way, because if it's not something God really wants for me, then I don't want any part of it.  If God wants me in a relationship, He's going to have to clearly be in the midst of it.  If He doesn't want me in a relationship, then there's no reason to strive for one.  I'm not afraid of getting hurt again so much as I'm afraid of hurting someone else by being in a relationship that I'm just not supposed to be in.  So...I'm cool.  More than cool, really.

And God's allowed me to have some conversations with some neighbors and friends recently, people I would never have imagined myself talking to.  I have had conversations with people who have been through difficult divorces, some of them involving kids (which takes divorce to a whole different level--you're not just considering your wants/needs, but the kids' wants/needs as well), and all of them involving deep heartache and pain.  The pain I went through is just not comparable.  I hurt.  I hurt for years.  I still hurt, but it doesn't affect my daily life at all.  Divorce is something that sticks with you.  Aside from the emotional turmoil, there's judgmentalism from others, there's legal stuff, there's probably a lot more hurt feelings, feelings of failure, etc.  I understand some of these things, but only to a point, because really, my heartbreak wasn't as deep.  And I definitely don't understand the wisdom it takes to deal with divorce and kids.  A lot of these single parents I know AMAZE me.  I don't know how they do it, but I guess when you've just got to do something, you somehow find the courage/grace/strength to do it (AKA God enables you).  At least in my own less-difficult experiences, that has been true. 

So basically, the Lord allowed me to love this guy, and having the grace to love someone is always a gift.  I'm extremely grateful to have been granted that beautiful knowledge.  When that relationship ended, it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been (that would have been hard to believe at the time, but I certainly believe it now).  True, it would have been less painful if it hadn't ended at all--or so I think.  I'm finding out that I don't know as much as I think I do, so now when I pray for things I want, I usually say, "But you know better than I do, Lord.  Give me what I need and what glorifies you best." 

Yeah, when I was eighteen, I prayed for two things: to marry a minister and to have a LOT of kids.  Looking back, I'm glad God didn't say "yes" to that first prayer. Why?  Because I would make a dreadful minister's wife.  It's not that I think minister's wives are extra Spiritual or something, or that I don't make some kind of "holier than thou" cut.  Minster's wives are just women--amazing, lovely women.  It's just that most of them have to have a certain level of tact that I do not even come close to possessing.  I'm honest to a fault.  I say the first thing that comes into my head, and then spend several minutes trying to get my foot out of my mouth.  Being a minister's wife?  Not for me. 

And yeah, being single has it's perks.  I go to sleep at night when I want to.  The only time I'm woken up by snoring is if I'm the one snoring (that happens too sometimes--either because my dreams are so hilarious that I snort-laugh, or because my dreams are so bad that they bore me into snoring.  I like to be entertained when I sleep).  I have my own space, my own stuff to deal with.  I'm not consistently, totally responsible to another person.  Sometimes it might be nice to have the constant companionship, another person to be there to help me feel loved--but I have so many friends that I don't feel slighted.  Don't take this the wrong way, but other than the no sex thing, being single isn't so bad.  And even though I'm pretty sure I have a fairly good idea of what I'm missing (not from experience, but just because I'm human), I'm also pretty sure there are a lot of things that are better than sex.  And here's a plus: ZERO chance of me getting pregnant, unless the angel Gabriel comes to visit me or something....  I've come to the conclusion that I never want to be pregnant.  If I ever get married, I'm ALL about adopting some kids, but there's something about carrying a parasite living thing inside me for 9 months only to have it painfully squeezed and/or cut out of me--not appealing.  (Pregnancy and childbirth are beautiful things--just not for me).

That second prayer request?  The one where I asked for a lot of kids?  For a long time, I figured God had said "No" to that one, too.  But the more I think about it, He said "YES" to that.  I DO have a lot of children.  I work in four childcare jobs.  I see dozens and dozens and dozens (etc.) of kids every week.  I form relationships with them and their parents.  I love these kids.  I miss them when they're not around.  I worry about them and want to know what's going on in their lives.  They're other people's children, but in a way, they're also mine.  And I'm grateful for the wonderful parents who share them with me. 

So children are a gift from the Lord.  A reward.  And though I'd still like kids of my own, and though quality beats quantity ANY day, I've gotta say that I "have" more kids than anyone else I know.  I'm like the little old woman who lives in the shoe...only my life probably doesn't stink (literally and figuratively) as much as hers.

A dad recently asked me how I'm able to watch kids ALL day long, day after day.  I told him, "Oh, it's because I get to go home at night and have all my time to myself.  I go to sleep at night and don't have to worry about one of my kids waking me up."  He looked at me with a hint of jealousy in his eyes, and said, "I see your point."

I've got it pretty good, yo.

The moral to this blog: When you ask God for something, be specific.  He has a sense of humor.

Sunday Update: Hope

We have started studying Luke in my Sunday School Adult Bible Study class at church.  So today we talked about Christmas, since part of the Christmas story from the Bible is told in the first two chapters of Luke.

I love Christmas.  I love Christmas so much that I don't like confining to one day out of the year.  In fact, I don't even like confining it to one week or one month out of the year.  I don't even like confining it to a season.  My brother has a birthday in mid December, so my mom always delayed putting up Christmas decorations until AFTER his birthday.  I understand that she did this to keep my brother's birthday as separate from Christmas as possible, but it drove me nuts (still does).  For me, it's okay to start celebrating Christmas in late August or early September.  That's when we start working on Christmas music for the choir at my church.  So it's not uncommon for me to start listening to Christmas music in September--even stuff that's not related to the music we're singing in choir.  I try to keep it toned down a little since (for SOME reason) a lot of people seem to think that you can't celebrate Christmas until after Thanksgiving.  What's THAT about?  Thanksgiving is PART of Christmas.  So is Halloween.  So is all of fall.  It all leads up to Christmas.  It's like a whole wonderful time of the year when stores are filled with candy corn, cranberry sauce, and Christmas lights. 

I love it.  To some extent, I even love the commercialism--which seems strange, but let me try to explain that.   I don't like the whole idea that everyone needs to spend exorbitant amounts of money on tons of gifts that people don't really need.  I don't like the idea of wastefulness--because let's face it, your kids will live if they don't get the latest new toy.  Your grandma will live if you don't get her a new pair of isotoner slippers.  Aunt Bertha doesn't need another Cracker Barrel gift card.  There is a lot of silliness that comes with the "Christmas season" that kind of irks me.  BUT I like the busyness that comes as a result of people going out to buy presents, and I do think it's possible for people to give presents without being wasteful.  Christmas is a time to say "I love you" with gifts, and no, there's not really any clear mandate in Scripture for that.  We can try to justify it all by saying, "Oh, but the wise men gave gifts to Jesus," or even "God gave Jesus to the world."  Really, there's no Scriptural reason for Christmas to be a time to give presents.  I just don't think there's anything wrong with sharing gifts with someone you love.  I do think it's unnecessary to give/receive HUGE presents that put people into debt, but it's the little things that make me tremendously happy--both giving and receiving them.  I like making cookies and chocolate-dipped pretzels and giving them to families who mean a lot to me.  I like saying "Thank you" to people who have supported or helped me by knitting them a scarf (the only thing I'm really good at knitting--because I knit like I play the guitar...I can fool people who don't know anything about it into thinking I'm good at it).  And yes, I like getting unexpected surprises, tokens of love and appreciation, from others.  It's part of the "magic" of the season, the shared love in the form of gifts.  But that's not even close to being the main reason why I love Christmas.

So what is the main reason why I love Christmas?  Is it the music?  Is it the food?  Is it the weather (I actually hate cold and snow, unless it's at Christmas!)?  Is it the movies?  Is it something I inherited from my grandmother, who LOVED Christmas and celebrated it all year long? 

What's the Sunday School answer here?  What am I supposed to say?  I'm supposed to say, "I love Christmas because it's Jesus' birthday!"  But...that's not the main reason why I love Christmas.  Why?  I guess it's because I'm selfish.

When I was about four years old, my mom told me something I never forgot.  She probably doesn't even remember saying this, but I remember it vividly.  I was unwrapping Christmas presents at my grandparents' house on Christmas afternoon.  I'd already gotten the "Santa haul" from home, and now it was time to get the "relatives' haul."  I remember the scene very clearly.  I was sitting on the floor by the ottoman of the chair by the sliding glass door that overlooked the front porch.  One or two of their seventy bazgillion feral cats (they lived out in the country) were probably out on that porch, looking through that door at me, trying to soak in some of the indoor warmth through the glass.  I had just opened my last present, and was surrounded by boxes, toys, wrapping paper, and the comic strips my aunt used to wrap presents in.  And I turned to my mom and said something.  I don't remember what I said, but her response was unforgettable.  I was either complaining about how I didn't have any more presents or bragging about how much I'd gotten or something like that, and my mom said something profound.  She said, "Ruth, the older you get, the more you're going to want to give things than get things."

I remember that so clearly because it was impossible for my four year old brain to understand that logic.  What?  How could I EVER be happier giving than getting?  Getting stuff is AWESOME; giving stuff means I'll...have to sacrifice.  Sacrifice doesn't make sense to most four year olds.  In fact, it doesn't make much sense to most adults, either. 

And maybe I should be ashamed of myself for admitting this, but my favorite part about Christmas is still NOT about what I give.  It's still about what I get.  The difference between the four year old me and the thirty-one year old me is that I'm no longer so tremendously excited about getting stuff.  The most important part of Christmas is that God gave Himself to me.  And I guess that does make me selfish, but the fact is, I need to be selfish, here.  I need God.  I don't always understand sacrifice, but God understands it well.  Giving, love, sacrifice, mercy--that's kind of what He's about.  So I do get excited about receiving Him, all the while praising Him for being the holy and righteous Giver, both just and merciful.  It takes a certain degree of humility to realize that we don't really have anything to give.  We can't be the Giver.  But there can be so much joy in taking what we're offered, and God offers what we need.  And Christmas is the celebration of the culmination of all the promises of God, which came in the form of a weak, human baby.  No...I don't really think I understand the concept of sacrifice at all.

And for the past several Christmases, I've been focusing on words associated with Christmas.  It's been a different word every year.  Last year, it was Peace.  The year before, it was Joy.  The year before that, it was Star.  And I know this is weird for some people since it's so early in the year, but I already have a theme word for this upcoming Christmas.  And that word is Hope.

I have nothing.  I am nothing.  God changed that forever with the gift of Himself, which is why someone as hopeless and helpless as I am can have such great and unfailing Hope.

I've said all of this because I'm about to start my new routine.  I've got a day off for Labor Day tomorrow.  Within reason, I can do pretty much whatever I want to do tomorrow.  But come Tuesday, I start preschool.  I start a regular weekly work schedule (and filling in gaps where I can) with the drop-in childcare centers where I work.  I will continue to watch the girls two-three afternoons a week.  I'm also going to make regular time to edit my writing (not starting any new projects at the moment because that's not going to help me become a published writer--I gotta focus more on editing and preparing queries).  So for me, the fall is about to begin, and the only reason for fall to begin is that fall will eventually lead to Christmas.  Sorry, that's just how I think.  Calendar wise, everything eventually leads back to Christmas.

But as this summer has ended and this new season has begun, I've already started feeling this strong sense of hopefulness.  I know that feelings aren't always reliable, but sometimes there's a sense of something that just can't be shaken.  I'm expectant without even really knowing what to expect--just that something good, possibly life-changing, is coming if I'll work and wait for it, something that's coming soon in the advent of this new fall routine.  And I'm learning that because of the "upper-case H" Hope I have in Christ, it's okay to "lowercase h" hope for smaller things.  If I'm disappointed in something I've hoped for, that's okay.  It's okay because the greatest Hope I'll ever have won't disappoint.  No matter what happens to me, I am still God's, and He is still mine.  Oh, I love Christmas!  Lol!

So I'm entering this fall/Christmas season with my head lifted up.  I don't know what I'm looking for, but I'm looking.  I still have a feeling whatever happens will take me by happy surprise.  That's usually how it works. 

Learning the Impossible

Life can change in a heartbeat.

I was actually starting to get a little ahead on my finances, when BOOM goes the dynamite--I found out I'm NOT getting that tax refund I was expecting. Not even close. Rather, I found out on Friday that I'm having to pay a significant amount to both the Federal and NC governments. It's not as much as it could be, I suppose, but it's a pretty hefty amount. As it turns out, having three jobs pushed me into a little bit of a higher tax bracket. The problem is, since I have three jobs, each separate job was only taking into account the money I was making for that particular job. Long story short, only one of my jobs withheld any money. I have to pay A LOT back to the IRS. I don't have A LOT of money to pay back to the IRS.

My first reaction was utter disbelief and denial. I was expecting refund. How could this happen? I got a refund LAST year and one of my jobs didn't withhold anything. There must be something wrong. So I immediately went and tried to do my taxes on another program. Same result. So I slowly shifted to the state of denial to the state of "Oh crap. I'm going to have to sell a kidney to pay my taxes."

This DOES have something to do with my writing. This has something to do with a lot of different areas of my life. In fact, it has a lot to do with something I wrote about in my last entry. As a Christian, I believe that nothing is impossible with God. The problem is, I don't always believe it as much as I should--I don't believe it completely. I don't always get that knowledge to move from the back of my mind to something firm that I can believe and live out in my faith. I want control. Often, I think I have control. The truth is, I don't have control and never did.

Because life can change in a heartbeat. I can go from foolishly thinking I have it all together to knowing that I don't have anything. Everything I do have is a gift.

The last thing I said in my previous entry was: "And here's...where I remind myself of something that is impossible for me to grasp: Nothing is impossible with God. If I can ever wrap my brain around that, I guess anything will be possible." In other words, it's impossible for me to believe that nothing is impossible. But God is teaching me, and I'm learning. I'm learning that nothing is impossible with God--and since I'm learning that, He's already shown me that He can do the impossible, by teaching me to believe that nothing is impossible through Him.

Hmm. I'm not sure it's possible to understand what I just wrote, but I hope it makes sense.

I first started thinking about that yesterday afternoon. And God did something else that I thought was impossible. He changed my attitude completely. I was still in the stage of "Oh crap! I'm going to have to sell a kidney to pay my taxes," but God moved me to a completely other stage. It was one I couldn't have expected or even believed, but He did it.

I'm now in the stage of thankfulness. I'm in the stage of absolute, amazing, knock-me-to-the-floor gratitude. Why? Because this is something the Lord wants me to go through. This is something He has given me, just like all the other gifts. I guess it's weird to think of financial trouble as a gift, but I'm weird, okay. And God is weird (sorry if that offends you, but if you really think about it, He is pretty strange).

The Lord has given me this situation for reasons I don't yet know, but I'm already seeing some of those reasons. Apparently, I've been under the illusion that I am in control. God pulled that rug out from under me. I'm not in control. I never was in control. One thing I've learned, the Lord is faithful to humble those who ask for it--and I asked for it. I'm overwhelmingly grateful that the Lord loves me enough to give me something that will make me more like Him--to make me more aware that I belong to Him. He's jealous. He won't let me go. He won't let me delude myself in thinking that I'm the main character of my life story--it's not even my story. It's His. He's writing it, and He's writing it for His glory.And this chapter right here is one for which I'm extremely grateful.

I've still got a lot to learn, obviously. It's hard to remember my ultimate goal. It's hard to remember that life is about glorifying Him instead of myself. It's hard to let go of all the control I think I have (though I never really had it).

What does letting go of control even look like? I don't know, but I think it might possibly look like getting over this fear of sending queries. It might possibly look like me taking a few chances by just WRITING instead of trying to have all my proverbial ducks in a row before I start.

One thing it definitely looks like is trust. Letting go of anxiety. Believing that life is more than what I will eat or drink or wear. I honestly have no idea how I'm going to pay my taxes. One thing I do know, it's going to be okay. It's going to be fine. If I end up living on the streets in a cardboard box, I'm going to be just fine. (But I really don't think it's going to come to that. In fact, I don't think I'm even going to have to miss any meals.)

I learned about this tax thing on Friday. Yesterday, Saturday, just one day later, God completely overwhelmed me by giving me this grateful attitude (sorry, I just CAN'T bring myself to say "attitude of gratitude"). It's nothing I could muster up myself. The Lord has done this impossible thing through me. I know He's going to do more. I believe He's doing something in me right now that's preparing me for things further down the road. Those things might have something to do with having published books, or they might not.

But I'm going to be okay.

By the way, I just have to brag on my God some more. Last night, I babysat--long story short I ended up babysitting for kids in three separate families. All of them paid me and they paid me well. The extra babysitting money I got was a drop in the bucket of what I owe, but I have to admit, it was a pretty big and a pretty encouraging drop. I have little doubt that God's going to provide the rest one way or another.

I'm learning. In time I pray He will obliterate even that "little doubt." After all, nothing is impossible with God.