Receiving Grace

Tonight, I yelled at "The Princess," one of the girls I watch.

I've yelled at the Princess lots of times.  Most of the time she had it coming. She probably deserved it tonight, too. She wasn't listening. But I still felt bad for yelling at her.

I try to be gracious. Then I fail. And I find myself being the one who has to accept grace.

The Princess has some pride issues. She HATES to be wrong (don't we all). And if she's wrong, and she's wrong a lot...because she's a kid...and a human being, too boot--well, if she's wrong and you catch her being wrong, well, she doesn't forgive that easily.

However, I find her to be very forgiving when other people are wrong. For example, when I apologized for yelling at her, she shrugged and said it was okay. When I asked if I had scarred her for life, she grinned and told me I'm weird. In her vocabulary, "You're weird, Ruth" is synonymous with "I love you, Ruth." At least I hope so, because she says it all the time.

The Princess and I are a lot alike. I see a lot of who I was (and still can be) in her. It's easy to forgive sometimes. It's not so easy to ask for forgiveness.

When we forgive, we get to be the bigger person. We get to be the hero. That's a good feeling.

When we ask for forgiveness, we have to humble ourselves. We have to admit a we are at fault. We have to admit that we aren't these perfect people who always have it together. We have to put ourselves at the other end of grace, hoping the other person will give it, because we need it in order for the relationship to continue and grow.

That's not fun.  But I would venture to say that graciously accepting grace is just as (if not more) important as freely giving grace.

After all, as fallen, sinful humans, we aren't fully able to forgive others until we're able to humble ourselves and accept the grace of God.  We can't begin to comprehend the power of grace until we realize (on some level) just how much grace God gives us.

And when we mess up, as I did tonight with the Princess, we have an opportunity. I could have just brushed off the whole encounter with the Princess. She gets yelled at so much that she can brush it off quickly. But I took the time to pull her aside (after we had both calmed down) and model humility. That doesn't mean she's going to develop her own sense of humility overnight, but children need to understand that it's okay to mess up. They need to see that there's a proper response for those times when we mess up.

Guilt is human, meaningless, and leads to self pity and inaction. Conviction is from God, meaningful, and leads to humility and change.

We need to learn to accept grace and even seek it out--even when it's scary and could lead to rejection. And we need to give grace to others, for we have likewise been forgiven.

We are all undeserving princesses and princess. We aren't perfect, but we should strive to honorably represent our Father in all and say and do.

...Even when we fail.

The Year of Glory

I'm updating my blog from my phone, which is weird for a couple of reasons. First, I now have a phone that's smart enough to be able to do that, and second, my phone just has one of those Swype keyboard things that I had never heard of before I got this phone that's probably smarter than I am.

Yes, it's 2013, in case you didn't know. I'm having trouble grasping that fact. Actually, I can still vividly remember being 15 years old and telling my sister how weird it was that it was almost 1996.  ...what happened?

I started 2013 out right by getting sick. And even with a day off for New Years, I still worked 50 hours this week...while having a cold that's starting to seem suspiciously like a sinus infection. I'm not complaining, just explaining why my brain hasn't fully realized that it's no longer 1996.  I mean 2012.

I feel the need to do a year end/year beginning blog, but I'm not sure about this year. Last year, several of my close friends moved away. I dealt with minor depression. I had some hard financial moments. A lot of things changed. Other things didn't.

Last year I managed to meet some of my goals, but I failed miserably on other ones. My writing was pathetic last year, but my running went well. I'm not sure I can maintain both running and writing at the same time. I want to get back into writing, but I'm scared to make goals.  I want to possibly run a full marathon this year, but I'm not sure I'll be able to. I'm afraid of failing, as usual. I know I'm very capable of failing. That can too easily become an excuse.

About 11 or 12 years ago I got assigned to the preschool program at Ridgecrest Conference Center.  I had worked at Ridgecrest the previous year, but not in preschool.  In fact, up until that summer, I thought I was bad with/didn't like kids.

I went along with it, all the while thinking it was going to be a bad summer. I went through training and all of that, still thinking  it had been a huge mistake. The first say with the kids, I stood off to the side and observed, thinking I'd just be useless. But there was this Hispanic kid named Luis who was very shy and who barely knew English. He sat in a corner and cried. No one noticed, but I saw Luis. All I did was pull BROWN BEAR, BROWN BEAR off the shelf. I sat next to him and read it to him. He stopped crying. He got attached to me. The rest of that week, he blossomed into a happy, playful child. And I figured out I had a gift for working with kids. I was 21 years old.

Now, I made plenty of mistakes that summer. I still do. I can't be perfect, but I can still use what God has given me to bless others.  And when I really think about it, as well as I know myself, I figure God still has some surprises about how He will use me.

This is the year of Glory. And I don't really understand Glory, which is probably a good thing. It's too big for me to understand and too big for me to handle. So it makes sense to give it to God.  He can handle it better. He is the only one worthy of it, and He didn't design us to keep it. The world it's such a frustrated place mainly because people keep trying to take what only God was meant to have.

And I'm one of those frustrated people, just relying on grace, which, thank God, is sufficient.

I really don't know what 2013 holds. I hope to go on a mission trip overseas. I am thinking of running a full marathon to possibly raise funds for that trip. I hope to work more on some recording projects, reevaluate what I want to do with my writing. ...and...I don't know.  Because I don't know what God has in store. It might be something I never imagined. I once thought I had no desire or talent to work with kids, so who knows what other surprises God might have. All I know it's that it's not about me. And so I have no business being afraid. If I fail, there's grace and redemption. If I succeed, it's not by my power...and probably not even by my own plan.

I was thinking about my accomplishments from last year. On the surface, completing the half marathon seems to be the biggest accomplishment.  But...I can't define a whole year by a moment. Last year's greatest things were probably simple...like getting laughs from a grumpy kid, or spending time with dear friends, or just rejoicing even when friends left...because it was such a gift to know them.  That was 2012. 2013 won't be made up by just grand events, either. The little moments will be just as important...if not more so.

Regarding blogging and my new intelligent phone, I will try to get into a regular blogging routine again. Fiction Friday is coming back, but not every week. I'll shake it up somehow, because that's how I roll.  ...yeah...

So stay tuned and stay awesome, and I'll try to figure out what year it is.

Sunday Sum Up: Two Week Warning

Gonna start out by saying that this week was not on my top ten list of the best weeks ever.

-- On Monday, I was irrationally angry.  Also, my thumb started hurting.  The pain was minor; the anger was not.  I had to wrestle with the anger thing for about three days.  After a really good cry and a LOT of grace from both God and other people, I was able to get over the anger.  My thumb, on the other hand, chose to suddenly swell up and get all purple and red on Thursday night.  My first thought was, "Well, at least it's my left thumb (I'm right handed), so if this is gangrene and I have to get it amputated, I can still hold pencils, eating utensils, and I can still play the guitar."  Well, I don't think it's going to have to be amputated (I still get to wear lefty thumb rings! Hooray!).  It's still slightly swollen, but it's definitely healing up.  I just hope it'll finish healing up in time for me to finish my Christmas knitting.

-- I finally finished the book I'm supposed to be reviewing.  But now that I've read it, I find that I want to read it again before reviewing, just to help me order my thoughts.  So, I'm guessing I won't be reviewing this book until some time in January.  I got the book in October, so I guess a January review isn't pushing it too much, hmm?  Hmm.

-- I've been to two Christmas musical programs--one for a kid who comes where I work, and one for the kids at my church.  It just doesn't feel like Christmas until I've seen some kids singing.  I'm going to try to go to another Christmas program this week for one of the girls I watch, and then I'll be singing next Sunday in the adult choir/orchestra program at my church. 

-- It's only two weeks until Christmas.  Just thought you'd like to know.  Are you done with your shopping and baking and wrapping?

Me neither.

Settling VS. Contentedness

I don't have a glamorous job.  In fact, I have three (or four, depending on how you look at it) rather unglamorous jobs.  Today, I was covered in snot, drool, tears, pee, applesauce, and Greek yogurt.  The Greek yogurt was my own doing, but the rest was the result of caring for multiple children at the same time.  Actually, the reason I spilled my own yogurt on myself was because a kid distracted me by whining obnoxiously, but I'll let that one go. 

I haven't been able to buy a new pair of running shoes because I can't afford them.  Now, I do plan on going to Walmart tomorrow and getting a very cheap pair to use until I CAN afford to go get fitted for a nice (AKA expensive) pair, but I'd really like to be able to afford something as simple as a pair of nice running shoes so I don't mess up my knees/hips/feet too much.  Other times it would be nice to not have to worry about the tires on my car or the dwindling food supply in my fridge.  It would be nice to not worry about the little what ifs that come from living from paycheck to paycheck on a very tight budget. 

Sometimes people feel the need to have discussions with me regarding what I do for a living, because they can't figure out why in the world I keep working such random hours with germy, whiny kids for such little pay and NO benefits.  Sometimes, I ask myself the same question.  I come up with a few good answers that sound like excuses, and they might even be excuses.  Like..."I don't have experience in any fields other than childcare," or "In this economy, I really should just be grateful that I have work," or "I'm just doing this until I become a wildly famous published author."  There's another answer I have for the question, "Why in the world do I keep working such random hours with germy, whiny kids for such little pay and NO benefits?"  The answer I have is kind of surprising. 

It's because I love it. 

I did get tears and snot and slobber on my shirt and in my hair today.  It was because a kid I just so happen to LOVE was crying, so I picked him up and cuddled him while he snotted all over me.  Did I appreciate the snot?  Of course not, but it didn't matter that much to me because I got snotted when I was caring for a kid I love.  I was so grateful for that opportunity.

Does it stink that I often struggle to have enough to get by?  Yes.  But let me tell you--when I walked into work this morning and had FIVE kids attack me in a wonderful group hug, that was worth more to me than any income. 

This all isn't to say that I probably shouldn't aim higher in all areas of my life--including my career (for lack of a better term).  I sometimes just don't know the difference between settling for something and being content with what I have.  I do think that there are a lot of people out there who set their expectations far too high.  For instance, I could care less about the American Dream.  The car I have has some flaws, but it's a nicer car than I ever imagined myself having.  Sometimes I feel guilty about having a car so nice--even if at the moment it needs some repair work that I can't afford.  The apartment I live in is ancient.  Most of the people that visit it call it "quaint," and it is quaint.  But I have a roof over my head--a fan to keep me cool in the summer and an electric blanket to keep me warm in the winter.  Eventually it would be nice to have a nice house of my own so I wouldn't have to keep paying rent, but I could live quite happily in something very small.  In fact, the smaller the house, the less I'd have to keep clean.  Retirement fund?  What's that?  I plan on working until I'm dead or just completely unable to work (either mentally or physically).  Health insurance?  That would be VERY nice--but unless I have some kind of freak accident or appendicitis or something, I'm doing quite well without it.  Someday I'll get it.  I think that someday will come in a few short years--after I get my student loans paid off.  I'm okay with waiting for that.

Maybe it's because I haven't experienced a lot of the stuff that a lot of Americans think they need, but I really don't have that much of a problem with the life I have.  Sometimes it would be nice to not have to worry about finances, but God has taught me so much about trust through those struggles.  Sometimes it would be nice not to want to rip my hair out because kids are driving me crazy, but God has blessed me with these wonderful kids...and I love them so much, (even despite the snot)!  I kinda sorta think I've gotten to the point that even if I do become a wildly famous published author, I still would like to work with kids in some capacity.

Eventually I might get sick of the rat race.  Eventually I might get sick of being covered in kid goo.  Right now, I just can't seem to justify complaining about it.  When I consider that the VAST majority of the world's population lives on LESS THAN $2.00 PER DAY, it kind of makes me feel grateful for the amazing things I DO have instead of worrying or getting upset over the things I don't have.  Maybe sometimes the difference between settling for something and being content with what you have is a matter of perspective.

And you know, my current financial state gives me some small motivation to keep working towards that goal of becoming a published author.  I'm pretty sure I DO need to set my expectations higher with that.