Sunday Update: Enough

Yesterday, I was an absolute moron.

Last week was a brutally long week.  Then Friday, I donated blood after working 2 jobs.  I gobbled up a pack of crackers and went grocery shopping afterwards.  I didn't get to bed until midnight, and I still needed to get some things done to prepare for my long Saturday filled with jogging and work and then rushing straight to a babysitting gig.

Then I had this brilliant moronic idea.  I figured I'd get up even earlier than usual to go jog.  I'm with a group (http://www.thesecondwind.net/) that usually meets up at on Sat. morning at 7:30 to talk and pray, and then we go run/waddlejog/walk.  Well, I figured I'd just go there at 6:30 and do my jogging, then I could meet with the people and go home to get some stuff done before work.  Except, I didn't get there at 6:30 because I was tired and didn't want to get out of bed.  But I forced myself to get up, scarfed down some trail mix, sloshed some water down my throat, and started jogging at 6:45.

I planned on doing 4 miles.  It was insanely humid.  I hadn't eaten or hydrated well.  I HAD GIVEN BLOOD THE NIGHT BEFORE.  After a valiant pathetic effort, I only managed to run about 2 3/4 miles before I almost puked my guts out and almost passed out.  Neither of these things happened because I finally had common sense enough to stop trying to run, and I dragged myself back to my car.

I met with my group, went home, and showered.  I did a few things that needed to be done.  I went to work.  Rush rush rush.  My body was SCREAMING at me to rest, but I didn't listen until it was almost too late.  I started feeling slightly nauseated as I turned the lights on at work.  I knew I wasn't sick (and in danger of infecting anyone).   I was just so exhausted my body was rebelling.  The nausea got a little worse as I unlocked the front door and turned on the OPEN sign.  Then I sat down at the computer, waiting for the first child to come to the drop-in center, and suddenly I was so overwhelmed by nausea that I thought I was going to toss my trail mix all over the keyboard. 

I picked up the trash can and lowered my head over it, just in case I was going to 1) hurl, 2) faint, 3) both at the same time.  All the while I was intently praying that no parents/kids would walk through the door until the nausea passed.

Thankfully, no kids came.  The nausea did pass in just a few minutes.  But the weirdest thing happened as I lowered my head over that trash can. 

The word "enough" is something I've been thinking about a lot lately.  Earlier this week, I somehow found time to finish reading Quitter by Jon Acuff (http://www.jonacuff.com/), and he wrote about how before you can be successful with your dreams, you have to define your "enough."  And I hadn't really sat down to define it, but I'd been thinking about it all week. 

So then, when I was sitting in an office chair praying for the sweet release of death that I wasn't so tired that I would have to scramble to find someone to cover my shift, contentedness snuck up on me.  Now, I wasn't happy, because honestly, happiness and being on the verge of puking aren't really things that typically go together.  But all of the sudden I just came to the realization that while I'm broke all the time and life isn't perfect and there are still things for which I hope and dream, the life I have RIGHT NOW is enough.  If I had to live the rest of my life with things being just as they are right now, I would be content.  The jobs I have, the friends I know, my family, my church, the kids I have the AMAZING opportunity to love--these things are so much more than I deserve, and they enrich my life so much beyond what I absolutely need. 

Though I was insanely tired, yesterday ended well with babysitting four fantastic kids who made me feel awesome (and chatting afterwards with their incredible parents who also made me feel awesome).

Today, I've had a little time to think this through.  I'm probably still going to be thinking it through, but here's where my thoughts are headed at the moment.

There's a reason I am content, and that reason is not so I can sit basking in my contentedness.  About a year ago, God brought me out of an insanely long season of Spiritual winter.  The spring and summer have gone by quickly, and I really do believe that I'm at the beginning of autumn.  Autumn means harvest.  The spring that followed that winter was an amazing time of growth.  I don't know if others have seen it, but I know that God has radically changed my heart over the past year.  If there was that much growth, I know the harvest is probably going to be something pretty big.

I've been anticipating some big changes to come in my life, and I sense the arrival of these changes even more clearly right now.  Some of the changes are starting to take form, and I'm a little bit afraid because I still don't know what to do with them.  In a very small way, I feel like Moses.  I need an Aaron.  I can't do this myself.  I need to ask for help, and that's not my forte.

Also, I am typically just not one who likes change, even if it's good change.  I feel like I finally got to the point where I'm not looking for anything else to fulfill me.  What I have is enough--more than enough.  Now that I've reached that point, I am afraid that through change, I'm going to lose something that has taken a long time to be gained. 

I'm reminded that when we are faithful in small things, God is faithful to give us charge over bigger things.  That requires more work and effort and responsibility.  I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to handle the tasks that God's given me to do.

But yesterday, in the midst of everything else He showed me, God reminded me of my weakness.  I was hovering over a trash can, completely at the mercy of my own exhausted body. 

'Cause see, I'm a moron.  In fact, I'm a weak moron.  But if God is giving me something to do, then He's going to work through me, and He has more than enough strength and wisdom.  One of my favorite passages of Scripture is 1 Corinthians 1:27: "...but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong...."

There's only One in whom I can boast.  He will provide for what I need when I need it, and I have to trust that.  I have to trust Him. 

I have a strong suspicion that will be enough.