Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Impulsively Hesitant

It's hard to know what to do sometimes.  As a fairly impulsive person who knows she is fairly impulsive, sometimes when there is something I get the inclination to do, I have to pull the reins, slow myself down, and stop to think before I act.  Sometimes this means I never act at all, and sometimes that's a good thing.

But I also happen to be a fairly hesitant person when it comes to trying new things, and I also know that about myself.  Sometimes I have to take a flying leap and force myself to do something.  Sometimes I fall flat on my face, and sometimes that's also a good thing.

Balance is that dreaded word which signifies a concept that I'm just not very good at.  I can be impulsive.  I can be hesitant.  Is it possible to be hesitantly impulsive or impulsively hesitant?

It's only been a couple of days since I started asking for feedback about an idea.  I guess I haven't given it much time, but the response was underwhelming.  In fact, it was a little depressing.  About five people ever got back to me about it at all.  Including my mom, who is awesome, but...she's my mom.  And I do plan on giving it a little more time, but I don't want to keep posting links about it on facebook when it's apparent that people don't care.  But seriously, I'd rather people just come right out and say, "Ruth, your idea is stupid and no one cares," than to just ignore me and hope I'll go away.  I mean, I'm trying to gauge how much people would be interested in my idea.  I'm trying to see if there's a need for it.  So while I'd prefer a direct response, maybe the answer to those questions is: it's not even an intriguing enough idea to capture people's attention, so get over it.

So if my idea is THAT ignorable, I should lean towards being hesitant to act on it.  Yet I have to admit that the impulsive part of me wants to just go ahead and start a new blog focusing on this idea, asking questions, hoping that I'll slowly start to amass a following. 

And really, the only risk involved there is that no one will ever read the new blog.  The risk is that I'll continue to be ignored.  The blog and my idea could just result in one failure that few people will ever know about, but the problem is: I'll know about it.  And if that were my only concern, well, I guess I could live with it.  But I'm hesitant too because I'm sick of starting projects and then seeing them fizzle down to nothing.  And I'm afraid that I might not have the endurance to follow this spark of an idea through to the end--especially if I don't have people who are backing me up.  And right now, it doesn't look like I have many people backing me up.  I'm appreciative of those who have given support (yes, you too, mom), but right now it's not encouraging.  And I don't want to start something else I don't finish. 

I haven't made any decisions.  I really want to try this, just to see what happens.  That's the impulsive part of me.  But I'm afraid it will start in a glorious fire that will soon fizzle down to a dying ember.  That's the hesitant side of me.  So I'm going with another option.

Prayer.  Lately, my prayer life has been good.  It's amazing, first of all, that sinful people even have access to something as incredible as prayer.  We get to talk to God.  We get to talk to a holy, righteous, good God.  We should not have that opportunity.  It's amazing, second, that God has everything we need.  He's the King of Kings.  We can ask Him for what we need, and He will provide what we need.  That doesn't mean that if I ask God for a football or even something more serious like a husband, I'm going to get it.  What it does mean is that God will provide for me according to what I need and according to His purposes for me.  And prayer is amazing also because God actually desires our prayer.  He longs for us to come to Him with our needs.  He longs to give us what we need.  He delights in us.  So I can pray fervently about this situation.  I'm learning not to ask God so much for His guidance as I ask Him for trust in the midst of situations I don't understand.  Sometimes I'm more eager to seek God's direction than I am to seek His face, and that's one of those sneakier forms of idolatry.

The other day, when praying, I had a really great moment.  I prayed, "Lord, all you really want from us is us.  You just want us.  And the remarkable thing about that is that we're not really giving anything up, because You're giving us Yourself.  And just between You and me, God, I really think we're getting the much better end of that deal."

And we are. 

There's no reason to worry.  Some things work themselves out.  Waiting and trusting are hard sometimes, but I think that's the only way an impulsively hesitant person like me can figure out obedience.

1 comment:

  1. "Waiting and trusting are hard sometimes, but I think that's the only way an impulsively hesitant person like me can figure out obedience." I totally agree. I think that's the only way any of us figure out obedience. But waiting and trusting are rarely fun.