Impulsively Hesitant

It's hard to know what to do sometimes.  As a fairly impulsive person who knows she is fairly impulsive, sometimes when there is something I get the inclination to do, I have to pull the reins, slow myself down, and stop to think before I act.  Sometimes this means I never act at all, and sometimes that's a good thing.

But I also happen to be a fairly hesitant person when it comes to trying new things, and I also know that about myself.  Sometimes I have to take a flying leap and force myself to do something.  Sometimes I fall flat on my face, and sometimes that's also a good thing.

Balance is that dreaded word which signifies a concept that I'm just not very good at.  I can be impulsive.  I can be hesitant.  Is it possible to be hesitantly impulsive or impulsively hesitant?

It's only been a couple of days since I started asking for feedback about an idea.  I guess I haven't given it much time, but the response was underwhelming.  In fact, it was a little depressing.  About five people ever got back to me about it at all.  Including my mom, who is awesome, but...she's my mom.  And I do plan on giving it a little more time, but I don't want to keep posting links about it on facebook when it's apparent that people don't care.  But seriously, I'd rather people just come right out and say, "Ruth, your idea is stupid and no one cares," than to just ignore me and hope I'll go away.  I mean, I'm trying to gauge how much people would be interested in my idea.  I'm trying to see if there's a need for it.  So while I'd prefer a direct response, maybe the answer to those questions is: it's not even an intriguing enough idea to capture people's attention, so get over it.

So if my idea is THAT ignorable, I should lean towards being hesitant to act on it.  Yet I have to admit that the impulsive part of me wants to just go ahead and start a new blog focusing on this idea, asking questions, hoping that I'll slowly start to amass a following. 

And really, the only risk involved there is that no one will ever read the new blog.  The risk is that I'll continue to be ignored.  The blog and my idea could just result in one failure that few people will ever know about, but the problem is: I'll know about it.  And if that were my only concern, well, I guess I could live with it.  But I'm hesitant too because I'm sick of starting projects and then seeing them fizzle down to nothing.  And I'm afraid that I might not have the endurance to follow this spark of an idea through to the end--especially if I don't have people who are backing me up.  And right now, it doesn't look like I have many people backing me up.  I'm appreciative of those who have given support (yes, you too, mom), but right now it's not encouraging.  And I don't want to start something else I don't finish. 

I haven't made any decisions.  I really want to try this, just to see what happens.  That's the impulsive part of me.  But I'm afraid it will start in a glorious fire that will soon fizzle down to a dying ember.  That's the hesitant side of me.  So I'm going with another option.

Prayer.  Lately, my prayer life has been good.  It's amazing, first of all, that sinful people even have access to something as incredible as prayer.  We get to talk to God.  We get to talk to a holy, righteous, good God.  We should not have that opportunity.  It's amazing, second, that God has everything we need.  He's the King of Kings.  We can ask Him for what we need, and He will provide what we need.  That doesn't mean that if I ask God for a football or even something more serious like a husband, I'm going to get it.  What it does mean is that God will provide for me according to what I need and according to His purposes for me.  And prayer is amazing also because God actually desires our prayer.  He longs for us to come to Him with our needs.  He longs to give us what we need.  He delights in us.  So I can pray fervently about this situation.  I'm learning not to ask God so much for His guidance as I ask Him for trust in the midst of situations I don't understand.  Sometimes I'm more eager to seek God's direction than I am to seek His face, and that's one of those sneakier forms of idolatry.

The other day, when praying, I had a really great moment.  I prayed, "Lord, all you really want from us is us.  You just want us.  And the remarkable thing about that is that we're not really giving anything up, because You're giving us Yourself.  And just between You and me, God, I really think we're getting the much better end of that deal."

And we are. 

There's no reason to worry.  Some things work themselves out.  Waiting and trusting are hard sometimes, but I think that's the only way an impulsively hesitant person like me can figure out obedience.

Ideas are Noisy: Possible New Project Idea

It's not a Sunday, Wednesday, nor Friday, yet I am blogging.  I have something to say.

There's been an idea bouncing around in my head for awhile.  It keeps bouncing--boing! boing! boing!  I'm not ready to act on it, I don't think.  I've got a lot of stuff I need to do, and I'm really sick of starting projects that I never finish.  So I'm not trying to get anyone too excited about anything...yet. 

But I'd like to request prayer and maybe even some preliminary thoughts on this idea that I'm thinking about.  I'd like to delve a little into the scary scary world of nonfiction.  The idea that's been boinging around in my head is about the role of single adults in the church. 

I've jotted down a few things, but really, there are so many directions this project could go.  I'm not sure if I'm ready to do much more than just let the idea bounce around some more, but I wonder if anyone has any thoughts on the subject.

I don't know how much honest literature exists out there about real-life single adults who are striving to find a place in the church.  I certainly haven't seen much--if any.  I'm not talking about some seventeen step program to finding the perfect godly mate, nor am I talking about a new way of doing "singles ministry."  My ideas are more about bridging the supposed differences between married adults and single adults.  Sometimes I get the impression that churches invent imaginary barriers between single people and married people. 

Possible ways of addressing this whole topic would include discussing misconceptions some married people seem to have about single people (ie. the "call to singleness," the idea that something is wrong with single people, the idea that single people are selfish), ways that married people can realistically help single people feel more included, but mostly I'd like to honestly address singles about how they can get involved without feeling as though there has to be an active "singles ministry."  Maybe there's not a great need for this, and if there isn't, then I shouldn't write about it.  But I, personally, have seen some need.  That's why the idea keeps bouncing around, just loudly enough so I don't forget it.

I'm asking for prayer and comments, if you have any.  There are a lot of different ways this idea could bounce, and I"m trying to keep an open mind.  Do you think there's a need for such a project, or has this idea been done to death?  If there is a need for it, why?  Are there any other things you think should be addressed, any other issues you think could be explored?  Are you a single person with examples of problems/issues/etc. you would like to share about your involvement with the church or with married people?  Are you a married person who has something to say about ministry and singlehood or things that you discovered after you got married?  What about kids?  What about single parents?  What about divorced singles?  Really, if this idea is going to become anything more, I know I'm going to need help.  I'm going to need more experiences than just the ones bouncing around with the half-baked ideas in my head.  So I would appreciate anything you have to say. 

And I greatly desire your prayers for this and all of my other creative endeavors.

Projects

I haven't forgotten that I want this blog to be much more than a listing of what's going on in my writing, but it has occurred to me that I really haven't talked about my projects in any detail.

Now, the reason for this is because I'm extremely wary of posting stuff online. I've know some agents don't want you to put sample chapters online (and honestly, I don't want to do that unless it's password protected). I don't want to ruin my chances with an agent because a bunch of people floating out in internet land have already read my stuff. I also have read that it's dangerous to post chapters or even specific ideas online because people can steal ideas. It's sad, but true.

Therefore, I've been cautious, and will continue to do so. BUT, I think I should at least give my readers a somewhat less vague idea of what I'm working on and what I want to do with it all. I will NOT use titles, because 1) Until an agent/publisher gives me the okay on a title, I doubt that will be its official title. 2) I don't want anyone stealin' my titles, either...even if my titles stink. It's just a risk...and I'm super cautious.

So anyway...

The first manuscript I completed, which I often refer to as "Book One" is a young adult fantasy about Dragons and stuff. Okay, so more specific. Yes. It's about a 16 yr old girl who has to readjust to a whole new way of life. She is guided by others, but some of them betray her. The remaining faithful guide urges her to run away. He provides a bodyguard for her, but this bodyguard happens to be one of her former friends--one who hurt her deeply. They travel into the forest and befriend a goblin. The guy and girl reconcile--maybe even fall in love, who knows ;). All the while, the girl is being hunted by a Dragon--the only way she can figure out her destiny is to face this Dragon.

"Book One" is the project for which I'm currently seeking representation. I'm a lookin for an agent. I'm starting to think the market might not be quite right for this book at the moment, and considering it's my first book, it might not be really all that great anyway. My friends have all said they like it. My mom loves it. I just don't think that's really gonna cut it in today's market. I'm still going to TRY to find an agent, but I'm considering getting it small-time published...if the querying keeps coming up short.

I AM planning on getting a collection of original fairy tales small-time published sometime very soon. It was originally going to be a collection of original fairy tales, retellings of classic fairy tales, and parodies, but I'm leaning more towards the original stuff, now. I've sent some samples off to the guy so he can tell me what he thinks. He's busy, so I'm expecting to hear back from him by like...March...of next year...maybe. Lol. Nah, I'm not in a hurry. I just need to keep working on more fairy tales in the meantime. It's taking a lot of time and imagination and writing and editing. Fun stuff! I'm excited about it.

The second book I've completed (which I often refer to as "Book Two"...don't you love my creative titling?) can only be described as Christian Sci Fi. It's also a romance. In fact, it might be primarily a romance, but since it happens in the distant future and mostly in outer space, I call it Sci Fi. Now, "Book One" has some Christian imagery, but I really toned it down because I'm still just not sure I want to be a Christian writer. In "Book Two" there are BLATANT Christian elements that I just can't see removing unless I rip the story apart...and I don't want to do that. There are lots of references to the Bible, directly and indirectly. It is what it is, though it still needs a LOT of editing apart from that. I don't want to go into too much detail about this book (even though lots of people have already read it because I originally wrote it as a serial novel and posted it in protected notes on facebook...and no, I'm not going to let anyone else read it as it is--it needs editing), but I will say one thing more: It also has Dragons.

"Book Three"--the third book I've completed, is a companion to "Book Two." I did not plan to write a sequel or anything like it. It's not really a sequel. It's taking one character from "Book Two" and expounding on her life, thoughts, and circumstances. While writing "Book Two," this completely minor character started speaking to me. She started talking in my head. She wouldn't shut up. And yes, writers are crazy people. Anyway, she went from being a minor character in "Book Two" to a MAJOR character in "Book Two" to getting her own book, told in first person, which is now "Book Three." I wrote "Book Three" in less than two weeks because this character completely took over my life. She possessed me. And wow, she's so much more amazing than I originally thought. I remember talking to her, saying, "Gee, R***, I don't know how to write a book about you." She said, "Just write it. I won't leave you alone until you do." I said, "But I don't know your story." She said, "Just start writing, and I'll tell it to you." And then she did. And her story is amazing. I can't believe I didn't think she was important at first. ...not that I'm ready to do anything with this book yet, I still should say that it needs a lot of editing.

I had originally called this "Book Four," but I never finished it, so now I'm going to call it "Unfinished One". "Unfinished One" is a sequel to "Book One." I've had it envisioned for about five years (I envision three books to follow "Book One" and also a companion book...or two. As long as I'm alive and in my right mind, these books WILL get written and published one way or another--depending on what happens with "Book One"). I started to write "Unfinished One" in October 2010, saying I had these grand dreams of finishing it before November (to taunt all the Nanowrimoers)...I didn't meet that goal. The reason for that was mainly because I had some published authors give me advice, saying that it's not a good idea to write a sequel until you have the first book well on its way to being published. So, I have 2/3 of a book done. I might go back and finish eventually, but I think what I've written needs a LOT of work anyway.

Right now, Imma call my newest project my, er, "Newest Project." I've had the idea for this for about five years, but I kept it on the back burner of my mind because I've got so much else going on. But I've been researching, and I've come to realize that "Paranormal" books are really big now. This book falls into that category. The time to write seems to be now. Without giving away any details about the paranormal aspect, I will say it's a romance of sorts. There's a guy and a girl, and both of them exhibit paranormal abilities, but their gifts compliment each other's gifts. I'm really liking the two main characters so far. The girl is a LOT like me--only she's like all my "negative" personality traits rolled into one and magnified. I'm not sure if other people will like her, but I think she's awesome. I don't really have a detailed plot for this book yet, nor do I have a real title--at least not one that I like. I'm just really excited to see what happens. I'm learning that sometimes I don't know what happens until I'm writing it. Honestly, I like it better that way. It gives the characters some freedom, makes them more real.

Oh, and so far, no Dragons at all in "Newest Project." I know. Shocking!

All right. That's pretty much what I'm working on. Querying. Editing. Writing. And trying to live and work around the edges of that. Yeah, I'm crazy. I love it! I'm glad God has made me the way He's made me.

Now to go edit a synopsis for "Book One" so I can get out some queries...hopefully this week.