Gonna come right out and say that I'm calling it quits (for now) on my current writing project. It was sick and dying from the beginning, and just gradually got sicker and sicker. It tried fighting for life there at the end, but then it died to death. And I just don't have time to try to pick up the pieces and try to salvage anything from it right now.
And I have stuff I REALLY should be doing in regards to preparing queries. I have more than enough projects that require massive amounts of editing. Writing new stuff just seems kind of silly at the moment.
After going out of town last weekend, I have had a killer time trying to get back on track. I feel as though I really didn't even get a break, and I guess that's okay. I've been trying to learn how to live life as it comes...because like it or not, it's not just going to pause for me to get my act together. And lately I've been a lot more scatterbrained than usual. I've been forgetting events and telling people I can do things when I've already told other people I can do other things at the same time. Ugh.
My preschool job ends next week (for the summer), and while I'm going to miss "my" kids SOOOOO much, I'm actually looking forward to only having two jobs for a while. Part of me wants to consider looking for just one full time job after this summer--but I'm not actually considering it yet. I'm just considering considering it. If that makes sense. If it doesn't make sense, don't worry. My life doesn't make too much sense at the moment...
I have got to learn to prioritize. That's why the current writing project is getting nixed (for now--maybe for always. Who knows?). I've been saying, "Oh, I have to get this synopsis done. I've got to send out queries." I haven't done that. I haven't done it--not because I don't HAVE the time, but because I haven't MADE the time to do it.
My other priority right now? Working on this cd idea I have. I need to practice my guitar a lot more than I have been doing. I need to buck up the courage to actually call and/or email the guy at my church about the possibilty of recording the cd. I need to coordinate time with my roommate (who is an amazing violinist) to work on some violin harmonies for some of my songs. I need to. I need to. I need to.
I need to make this cd happen.
It amazes me how God is showing me that it's the right time to do this. I have wanted to put out a cd for such a long time. I've never felt good/strong/courageous/talented/cool enough to do such a thing. In the past few weeks, so many random people have told me that they love my voice. So many people have encouraged me. It's not even my voice that I want to get out there. As Mitch McVicker (an uber talented Christian musician and super nice guy) has said, and I paraphrase, "The world doesn't need more Christian music or Christian musicians. But the world needs truth, and I've been given this to do. I'm just trying to be faithful with what I've been given."
That's kind of how I'm thinking. It's not that I have anything brilliant to say, but the fact is, I've said it anyway. I've put words down to music. But they're not doing a bit of good at the moment. I'm tired of keeping all these songs and all these words hoarded up inside the four walls of my room. While there's nothing new under the sun, I still think there's something worthwhile in sharing something that God's given me. And if I donate a portion (or all) of the proceeds from the sales of this cd, then there's something worthwhile in that, too.
Here's the problem.
I'm such a scared little kid. I have given up on the idea that that's ever going to change. For a while, I could pretend. I could be braver. I could be more confident. I could be more lovable. I could be more interesting or suave or beautiful or whatever. ...only, it wouldn't be who I am. And I learned a long time ago that if I try to be something I'm not, then sooner or later (usually sooner), whatever false foundation I built under myself is going to crumble. God won't let me pretend, and for that, I'm VERY grateful.
The truth is, I'm weak. I am scared to death. I like safe things that I understand, like work and routine. I don't like stepping out in faith and doing things when I don't know how to do them and when I don't know what's going to happen. What am I really afraid of? That people are going to look down on me. That people are going to see me for what I am. That my slip is going to show, and the whole facade of beauty and "put-togetherness" and strong, confident woman (HEAR ME ROAR) is going to crumble.
But I'm already weak. And I'm not more lovable. I'm not more confident. I'm not more "put together." I know I keep repeating myself on this, but it's something that takes awhile to get through my head. And I think other people need it, too. So I'll keep repeating it:
The only hope for a weak fool like me is that God delights in using the weak and foolish to shame the strong and wise. And I am not going to be more lovable or beautiful, but that's okay. Because God's love is so much more powerful than my unlovableness.
I fear man instead of God. God knows it, and that's one of the reasons He's really encouraging me to do step out and do this scary cd thing right now. Quite honestly, I'm terrified, because it's a big deal to me to do something like this--just like the query letters terrify me. But I'm getting to that remarkable point where I'm more terrified of disobeying God and missing out on what He has for me than of the things that terrify me.
...and the thing is, I'm still learning just how to be afraid...