Gonna start out by saying that this week was not on my top ten list of the best weeks ever.
-- On Monday, I was irrationally angry. Also, my thumb started hurting. The pain was minor; the anger was not. I had to wrestle with the anger thing for about three days. After a really good cry and a LOT of grace from both God and other people, I was able to get over the anger. My thumb, on the other hand, chose to suddenly swell up and get all purple and red on Thursday night. My first thought was, "Well, at least it's my left thumb (I'm right handed), so if this is gangrene and I have to get it amputated, I can still hold pencils, eating utensils, and I can still play the guitar." Well, I don't think it's going to have to be amputated (I still get to wear lefty thumb rings! Hooray!). It's still slightly swollen, but it's definitely healing up. I just hope it'll finish healing up in time for me to finish my Christmas knitting.
-- I finally finished the book I'm supposed to be reviewing. But now that I've read it, I find that I want to read it again before reviewing, just to help me order my thoughts. So, I'm guessing I won't be reviewing this book until some time in January. I got the book in October, so I guess a January review isn't pushing it too much, hmm? Hmm.
-- I've been to two Christmas musical programs--one for a kid who comes where I work, and one for the kids at my church. It just doesn't feel like Christmas until I've seen some kids singing. I'm going to try to go to another Christmas program this week for one of the girls I watch, and then I'll be singing next Sunday in the adult choir/orchestra program at my church.
-- It's only two weeks until Christmas. Just thought you'd like to know. Are you done with your shopping and baking and wrapping?
Me neither.
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Idolatrous Anger
What do two ladies on the telephone, a few friends on facebook, and a well-meaning driver have in common?
They are all people whose behavior I cannot control.
Yet, in the past two days, all of these people have made me angry. Scratch that. In the past two days, I've allowed myself to become angry after interacting with all of these people.
I'm not sure why this is, but one of my greatest insecurities is being thought of as stupid. I know I'm not stupid. I've got a slightly higher than average I.Q., I made good grades when I was in school, and people have generally led me to believe that my conversational skills are not comparable to that of a brick wall. But I know I'm insecure about what people think of my intellect because I tend to get REALLY angry when I think that someone's insulting my intelligence, talking down to me, or patronizing me in any way, shape, or form.
Maybe it's a common human reaction. Most of us don't like being told things that we already know, as if we don't know them. Most of us don't like it when people talk to us like we're children who don't really understand what's going on. Most of us don't like it when people don't respect us as we want to be respected. Just because it's common doesn't make it okay.
In the past year, the Lord's really been working on my anger. I still have a short fuse when I get overwhelmed (and sometimes when I'm just plain whelmed), and I am working on this, but that's not really what I'm talking about. When my short fuse blows, it's usually quick. I don't have time to think. There's just an outburst, and it's over. Life goes on. But the anger that really goes deep is the kind that is calculated, the kind that I have time to think about and plan a course of action.
Like Monday morning, when I assumed that a handful of friends on facebook were calling me stupid. They weren't really doing this (the whole thing was not a big deal at all until I made it into one), but my insecurity kicked in. I made some kind of snarky comment, which I knew I shouldn't post. The Holy Spirit was working on me, and I ignored Him because I wanted respect. I demanded respect, even if it was just in the form of an innocent looking snarky comment with a smiley face added to the end. But God knew my heart, and my heart wasn't right. And I posted that comment in anger, and then went out the door to go to work, taking my guilt with me.
It's funny how one sin can lead to another. I was angry, unjustifiably, but I wanted to justify it. So on my way to work I kept running the scenario over in my head, wanting to make myself out to be the good guy and everyone else out to be wrong. And then, as I was mulling all of this over in my head, knowing in the back of my mind that I was sinning, this driver did something that ticked me off even more. It wasn't dangerous. She wasn't doing anything that could have hurt me or anything else. In fact, she was trying to be nice, not realizing that she was blocking me from my intended destination. But since I was already angry, already wanting to be right, already wanting to get my way, I allowed myself to get angry at this other person who was blocking my path to what I wanted, when I wanted it.
Later that day, I answered the phone at the house where I nanny. When I informed the lady on the phone that I was the nanny, her tone changed and she started talking to me as if I were a child. I asked for a phone number so the mom could call her back; she blurted it out. When I asked her to repeat it, she said each number as slowly as humanly possible and added, "Did you get it that time, sweetie?"
Then yesterday, another lady called the house where I nanny. When she heard I was the nanny, she told me that she wasn't comfortable leaving a message with me because she didn't think I was responsible enough to deliver it.
And while I tried to be polite to both of these women, inside (and outside once I was off the phone with them), I was livid. I was outraged at the disrespect, the condescension, the belittlement. Again, I was feeling as though I was being thought of as stupid, and that was something I couldn't bear....
...only I kind of figure that there's a reason all of this stuff has happened to me in the past couple of days. In praying for humility, I've been humbled. In praying for God to make me more gracious, I've been given opportunities to do so, and I've failed. And I think I've failed because God is still stripping down the layers of anger that I want to hold on to. I want respect. I want things my way. I want people to take me seriously.
Only I'm more worried about what other people think than about what God thinks, and when I defend myself, I'm not trusting Him enough to defend me. And if He's not defending me, then it's probably an issue that really doesn't matter. At all. I just want to glorify myself instead of glorifying Him; that's where the real problem is.
And the thing is, I don't have control over other people. I can't make a lady on the telephone treat me with respect. Is she wrong for her behavior? Maybe. It doesn't matter--I can't change her behavior at all. If some of my facebook friends really did assume I was stupid, were they in the wrong? Maybe. It doesn't matter--I can't change their behavior. Just like I can't control the driving of anyone else just by blowing my horn at them.
When it comes down to it, there's only one person I can control, and that's me. If I think someone wrongs me, or even if they really do wrong me, I have a choice about whether I can show grace and forgive, or whether I'm going to be angry and sin. I have a choice about whether I'm going to make my cause most important, or whether I'm going to do what is right in the eyes of God. I'm apparently still learning this lesson: Everything that comes my way is an opportunity to love others and to trust God.
I have to say though, I'm thankful for this lesson, as painful as it's been. I'm thankful for a God who loves me enough to stretch me, enough to humble me, enough to show me grace...and to teach me how to show grace to others.
I might be the only person in the world who was dumb enough to ask for patience twice. You'd think I'd have learned the first time that God rarely grants patience in an instant--He usually teaches patience by making us wait...and wait...and wait. And I kinda figure that breaking through my anger is going to be a similar process. But selfish anger, like a lot of other things, is an idol. And God loves me too much to allow me to keep it.
They are all people whose behavior I cannot control.
Yet, in the past two days, all of these people have made me angry. Scratch that. In the past two days, I've allowed myself to become angry after interacting with all of these people.
I'm not sure why this is, but one of my greatest insecurities is being thought of as stupid. I know I'm not stupid. I've got a slightly higher than average I.Q., I made good grades when I was in school, and people have generally led me to believe that my conversational skills are not comparable to that of a brick wall. But I know I'm insecure about what people think of my intellect because I tend to get REALLY angry when I think that someone's insulting my intelligence, talking down to me, or patronizing me in any way, shape, or form.
Maybe it's a common human reaction. Most of us don't like being told things that we already know, as if we don't know them. Most of us don't like it when people talk to us like we're children who don't really understand what's going on. Most of us don't like it when people don't respect us as we want to be respected. Just because it's common doesn't make it okay.
In the past year, the Lord's really been working on my anger. I still have a short fuse when I get overwhelmed (and sometimes when I'm just plain whelmed), and I am working on this, but that's not really what I'm talking about. When my short fuse blows, it's usually quick. I don't have time to think. There's just an outburst, and it's over. Life goes on. But the anger that really goes deep is the kind that is calculated, the kind that I have time to think about and plan a course of action.
Like Monday morning, when I assumed that a handful of friends on facebook were calling me stupid. They weren't really doing this (the whole thing was not a big deal at all until I made it into one), but my insecurity kicked in. I made some kind of snarky comment, which I knew I shouldn't post. The Holy Spirit was working on me, and I ignored Him because I wanted respect. I demanded respect, even if it was just in the form of an innocent looking snarky comment with a smiley face added to the end. But God knew my heart, and my heart wasn't right. And I posted that comment in anger, and then went out the door to go to work, taking my guilt with me.
It's funny how one sin can lead to another. I was angry, unjustifiably, but I wanted to justify it. So on my way to work I kept running the scenario over in my head, wanting to make myself out to be the good guy and everyone else out to be wrong. And then, as I was mulling all of this over in my head, knowing in the back of my mind that I was sinning, this driver did something that ticked me off even more. It wasn't dangerous. She wasn't doing anything that could have hurt me or anything else. In fact, she was trying to be nice, not realizing that she was blocking me from my intended destination. But since I was already angry, already wanting to be right, already wanting to get my way, I allowed myself to get angry at this other person who was blocking my path to what I wanted, when I wanted it.
Later that day, I answered the phone at the house where I nanny. When I informed the lady on the phone that I was the nanny, her tone changed and she started talking to me as if I were a child. I asked for a phone number so the mom could call her back; she blurted it out. When I asked her to repeat it, she said each number as slowly as humanly possible and added, "Did you get it that time, sweetie?"
Then yesterday, another lady called the house where I nanny. When she heard I was the nanny, she told me that she wasn't comfortable leaving a message with me because she didn't think I was responsible enough to deliver it.
And while I tried to be polite to both of these women, inside (and outside once I was off the phone with them), I was livid. I was outraged at the disrespect, the condescension, the belittlement. Again, I was feeling as though I was being thought of as stupid, and that was something I couldn't bear....
...only I kind of figure that there's a reason all of this stuff has happened to me in the past couple of days. In praying for humility, I've been humbled. In praying for God to make me more gracious, I've been given opportunities to do so, and I've failed. And I think I've failed because God is still stripping down the layers of anger that I want to hold on to. I want respect. I want things my way. I want people to take me seriously.
Only I'm more worried about what other people think than about what God thinks, and when I defend myself, I'm not trusting Him enough to defend me. And if He's not defending me, then it's probably an issue that really doesn't matter. At all. I just want to glorify myself instead of glorifying Him; that's where the real problem is.
And the thing is, I don't have control over other people. I can't make a lady on the telephone treat me with respect. Is she wrong for her behavior? Maybe. It doesn't matter--I can't change her behavior at all. If some of my facebook friends really did assume I was stupid, were they in the wrong? Maybe. It doesn't matter--I can't change their behavior. Just like I can't control the driving of anyone else just by blowing my horn at them.
When it comes down to it, there's only one person I can control, and that's me. If I think someone wrongs me, or even if they really do wrong me, I have a choice about whether I can show grace and forgive, or whether I'm going to be angry and sin. I have a choice about whether I'm going to make my cause most important, or whether I'm going to do what is right in the eyes of God. I'm apparently still learning this lesson: Everything that comes my way is an opportunity to love others and to trust God.
I have to say though, I'm thankful for this lesson, as painful as it's been. I'm thankful for a God who loves me enough to stretch me, enough to humble me, enough to show me grace...and to teach me how to show grace to others.
I might be the only person in the world who was dumb enough to ask for patience twice. You'd think I'd have learned the first time that God rarely grants patience in an instant--He usually teaches patience by making us wait...and wait...and wait. And I kinda figure that breaking through my anger is going to be a similar process. But selfish anger, like a lot of other things, is an idol. And God loves me too much to allow me to keep it.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Sunday Update: Still Small Voice
It's almost two in the morning, which means that it's technically Sunday, even though it still seems like Saturday night. Writing a blog at almost two in the morning isn't at all typical for me, but right now it seems like the thing to do. I can't sleep and for some reason am not even all that sleepy, even though it seems like I should be.
Even if I were sleepy, I don't think I'd be able to sleep right now. There's a lot going on in my head, and to tell you the truth, it's pretty loud. I'm the sort of person who can sleep like a rock once I get good and asleep--but when I'm first starting to fall asleep, I need quiet. If I've just fallen asleep, the slightest sound can wake me, and sometimes it takes awhile to get back asleep. So all these loud voices in my head are keeping me from getting good and asleep.
The voices are from a lot of sources. I've got characters from my books having conversations in my mind. I've got characters from other people's books as well--repeating dialogue that I've read and don't quite remember. I've got voices from friends in real life--friends who love me, but right now it seems as though they don't understand me. Former friends whom I've lost in the past few weeks or months or even years, and despite all my efforts to make amends, I've had to let them go. And all I can do in those situations is keep praying. In some of those situations, my heart still breaks every time I think of those lost friends. And it seems as though I've failed somehow because they don't think I'm worth any effort it would take to restore the friendship. I've got voices from family that also doesn't seem to understand me--voices of real people, but voices that probably aren't truly real or really true, but right now they seem so loud. The voices say how I've disappointed them, not lived up to their expectations. I've got voices from my past that tell me how I'll always be this angry kid beyond redemption, despite the fact that the Lord has really been working hard on my anger issues over this past year. I've got voices from people I don't even know--literary agents and editors who will reject all my best efforts, and their imaginary voices become this loud echo in my mind that makes it seem as though I really shouldn't even try.
Things are not as they seem. I know that very well right now. I can't make the voices shut up long enough to allow me to sleep, but I can listen to another Voice. And that's why I'm sitting at a computer at what is now a little after two in the morning, typing all this out. Things seem one way, but I'm both wise and foolish enough to believe that all those voices are wrong. All the pain and rejection and struggles I've had in all the various areas of life are not to be ignored. I have experienced them all, and for that reason, I think they are valid and have some place in my life. I just don't think they get to define me.
Sometimes, when I'm really good and depressed or confused or scared or all of the above, I expect God to shout out over all the voices. That's what I usually have to do at work when there are a lot of kids. I have to shout or clap my hands or flicker the lights so I can get the attention of all the kids. And sometimes when the voices are being really loud, I think God should come shout above them so they will be quiet and I can hear Him. And He could do it, too.
But sometimes when I'm working with the kids, I don't shout. Instead, I whisper. I whisper very quietly, "If you can hear me, go sit down on the carpet." First, only a few kids hear and they go sit down. Then other kids see those kids who are sitting down, and they start listening. Soon, all the kids are sitting down and (for the most part) listening to whatever I have to say, and I never had to raise my voice or cause any kind of scene.
In the Bible, the prophet Elijah fled for his life from Jezebel. It seemed that he was the only prophet left, the only one who still believed in and stood for God. He was so afraid/confused/depressed that he wanted to die. And I'm thinking it's safe to say that he had a lot of voices in his head, too. But God led him to a cave, and there was a mighty, forceful wind. But God wasn't in the wind. Then there was a great earthquake. But God was not in the earthquake. Then there was a fire. But God wasn't in the fire.
God came in a gentle blowing, a whisper. A still, small Voice.
Earlier today, or yesterday, depending on how you want to look at it, I was at a gas station giving my car its weekly allotment of overpriced gasoline. All these voices were already shouting in my head, and I was starting to listen to them. And I was starting to get really depressed. A person like me gets depressed fairly easily--even while doing mundane things like pumping gasoline--which is why I have to be really careful about the way things seem.
Well, God didn't shout over the voices, but I heard Him. I heard Him when I looked up and saw a swallowtail butterfly fluttering around a nearby bush.
To you, that probably doesn't mean anything (in fact, you may be wondering if perhaps I'm delusional since I'm suffering from a lack of sleep--and I'm hearing voices and all that). And if it were any other day, it probably wouldn't mean that much to me, either. But at that moment, in the midst of those loud voices, the gentle whisper of a butterfly's wings was enough to call my attention away from the blaring voices in my head. Because that very same kind of butterfly is a symbol of hope in my first novel. And uncertainty about that novel was what started all those voices blaring. Though it seems like I've put a lot of effort into that book and still have SO much left to do with it--though it seems like I should probably just give up on this dream of being a writer and, I don't know, take up professional water polo or something--I'm going to choose to ignore the way things seem.
And I'm going to listen to the still, small Voice. The Redeemer. There are reasons He made me a writer. Some of those reasons have to do with the fact that when He breathes through my writing, it encourages others. Some of those other reasons just have to do with the fact that He delights in breathing through my writing, and He wants me to feel His pleasure when I write. I can't forget that.
And now I'm going to go try see if the voices will let me sleep so I won't be a complete zombie at church tomorrow...or later today... I don't think my pastor would appreciate me shouting out "BRAINZZZZ" instead of "Amen!" (not that I'm that big of an 'Amen!-er') ...hmm. Might make things more interesting, though.
Even if I were sleepy, I don't think I'd be able to sleep right now. There's a lot going on in my head, and to tell you the truth, it's pretty loud. I'm the sort of person who can sleep like a rock once I get good and asleep--but when I'm first starting to fall asleep, I need quiet. If I've just fallen asleep, the slightest sound can wake me, and sometimes it takes awhile to get back asleep. So all these loud voices in my head are keeping me from getting good and asleep.
The voices are from a lot of sources. I've got characters from my books having conversations in my mind. I've got characters from other people's books as well--repeating dialogue that I've read and don't quite remember. I've got voices from friends in real life--friends who love me, but right now it seems as though they don't understand me. Former friends whom I've lost in the past few weeks or months or even years, and despite all my efforts to make amends, I've had to let them go. And all I can do in those situations is keep praying. In some of those situations, my heart still breaks every time I think of those lost friends. And it seems as though I've failed somehow because they don't think I'm worth any effort it would take to restore the friendship. I've got voices from family that also doesn't seem to understand me--voices of real people, but voices that probably aren't truly real or really true, but right now they seem so loud. The voices say how I've disappointed them, not lived up to their expectations. I've got voices from my past that tell me how I'll always be this angry kid beyond redemption, despite the fact that the Lord has really been working hard on my anger issues over this past year. I've got voices from people I don't even know--literary agents and editors who will reject all my best efforts, and their imaginary voices become this loud echo in my mind that makes it seem as though I really shouldn't even try.
Things are not as they seem. I know that very well right now. I can't make the voices shut up long enough to allow me to sleep, but I can listen to another Voice. And that's why I'm sitting at a computer at what is now a little after two in the morning, typing all this out. Things seem one way, but I'm both wise and foolish enough to believe that all those voices are wrong. All the pain and rejection and struggles I've had in all the various areas of life are not to be ignored. I have experienced them all, and for that reason, I think they are valid and have some place in my life. I just don't think they get to define me.
Sometimes, when I'm really good and depressed or confused or scared or all of the above, I expect God to shout out over all the voices. That's what I usually have to do at work when there are a lot of kids. I have to shout or clap my hands or flicker the lights so I can get the attention of all the kids. And sometimes when the voices are being really loud, I think God should come shout above them so they will be quiet and I can hear Him. And He could do it, too.
But sometimes when I'm working with the kids, I don't shout. Instead, I whisper. I whisper very quietly, "If you can hear me, go sit down on the carpet." First, only a few kids hear and they go sit down. Then other kids see those kids who are sitting down, and they start listening. Soon, all the kids are sitting down and (for the most part) listening to whatever I have to say, and I never had to raise my voice or cause any kind of scene.
In the Bible, the prophet Elijah fled for his life from Jezebel. It seemed that he was the only prophet left, the only one who still believed in and stood for God. He was so afraid/confused/depressed that he wanted to die. And I'm thinking it's safe to say that he had a lot of voices in his head, too. But God led him to a cave, and there was a mighty, forceful wind. But God wasn't in the wind. Then there was a great earthquake. But God was not in the earthquake. Then there was a fire. But God wasn't in the fire.
God came in a gentle blowing, a whisper. A still, small Voice.
Earlier today, or yesterday, depending on how you want to look at it, I was at a gas station giving my car its weekly allotment of overpriced gasoline. All these voices were already shouting in my head, and I was starting to listen to them. And I was starting to get really depressed. A person like me gets depressed fairly easily--even while doing mundane things like pumping gasoline--which is why I have to be really careful about the way things seem.
Well, God didn't shout over the voices, but I heard Him. I heard Him when I looked up and saw a swallowtail butterfly fluttering around a nearby bush.
To you, that probably doesn't mean anything (in fact, you may be wondering if perhaps I'm delusional since I'm suffering from a lack of sleep--and I'm hearing voices and all that). And if it were any other day, it probably wouldn't mean that much to me, either. But at that moment, in the midst of those loud voices, the gentle whisper of a butterfly's wings was enough to call my attention away from the blaring voices in my head. Because that very same kind of butterfly is a symbol of hope in my first novel. And uncertainty about that novel was what started all those voices blaring. Though it seems like I've put a lot of effort into that book and still have SO much left to do with it--though it seems like I should probably just give up on this dream of being a writer and, I don't know, take up professional water polo or something--I'm going to choose to ignore the way things seem.
And I'm going to listen to the still, small Voice. The Redeemer. There are reasons He made me a writer. Some of those reasons have to do with the fact that when He breathes through my writing, it encourages others. Some of those other reasons just have to do with the fact that He delights in breathing through my writing, and He wants me to feel His pleasure when I write. I can't forget that.
And now I'm going to go try see if the voices will let me sleep so I won't be a complete zombie at church tomorrow...or later today... I don't think my pastor would appreciate me shouting out "BRAINZZZZ" instead of "Amen!" (not that I'm that big of an 'Amen!-er') ...hmm. Might make things more interesting, though.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Peace
It's safe to say that 2011 has been an "off year" when it comes to writing. I've not done much--definitely not all the things I had planned to do. I know the year isn't quite over yet, but that halfway point of JUNE is mocking me, reminding me of how much of a writing failure I am.
Only, I don't feel like a failure at all. I probably should. I haven't really met many of my goals. I haven't really even tried. Yesterday (okay, and today too), I spent my free afternoon taking a nap and playing stupid computer games. I think I might have a slight touch of apathy going on right now. I hope it passes soon--like by next week, when I have lots of time off that can be used to work on query stuff.
Yeah, but I guess I should be more upset that this year hasn't gone exactly as I had planned back in the last few days of 2010. The last two or three years of my life, I've noticed that my calendar is a week off from the actual calendar. My New Year doesn't begin on New Year's Day. It begins at Christmas. Christmas is the day on which my entire year revolves.
For the last few Christmases, my brain has focused on one idea that has to do with the Christmas story--with the story of God coming down to earth in the form of man in order to redeem mankind from death and sin. Three years ago, I focused on the Star--connecting the stars that God showed Abraham back in Genesis 15 with the Star the Wisemen followed in Matthew 2. I even wrote a song about it. Two years ago, I focused on Joy.
When this past Christmas came, I started thinking early about what idea would stand out. One word kept standing out to me. Peace.
Linus in A Charlie Brown Christmas (my fave Christmas movie) read a passage from Luke 2--"...Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace, good will to men." A song we sang for the choir Christmas program at church--Casting Crown's version of "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day" with the refrain "Peace on earth. Peace on earth. Peace on earth, good will to men."
I wish I had taken Greek and Hebrew in college instead of going with Spanish (because I can't speak Spanish). Then I'd be able to have better insight as to what that phrase "peace on earth, good will to men" actually means. I've read several different translations, which all give the phrase a slightly different meaning. "Peace on earth to men, on whom His favor rests." "Peace on earth to those on whom His favor rests." Does it mean that God offers peace and good will to ALL men? Does it mean that God offers peace because His favor rests with men? Does it mean that God offers peace ONLY to those on whom His favor rests?
I wrestled with this for a little while last December. I came to the conclusion that while the translation and arguments surrounding it might be important at other times and in other circumstances, it didn't really matter to what I was trying to figure out. The fact is, God did come to earth to offer peace to those who would accept Him. He created us. We rebelled against Him. He came down with us to offer us reconciliation. The angel came to bring good news. And it was the best news ever. I think that's why my whole year revolves around Christmas. Easter is important too--it's also the best news ever that death couldn't keep Christ in that tomb. I think the fact that Christ came and the fact that Christ lives are both the best news ever.
The thing is, this whole idea of peace didn't leave me after the Christmas season ended. And I'm still trying to wrap my feeble human brain around the concept of peace.
I'm an angry person. If you haven't noticed this about me, it's not because it's not true. It's just because you haven't seen it. The ladies I work with at the drop-in center have seen it. Lol. I have a short fuse. It's not as bad as it used to be, but it still exists.
But I can handle the short fuse a lot better than I can handle the grudges I hold, the bitterness I have let creep into my heart, the irrational senses of unfairness that I feel. The Lord has been working in my heart since this past Christmas to root out a lot of the anger I didn't even realize I had. Reminders of past pain and grievances have just popped up at seemingly random times, and I've had to deal with them and/or let them go. And it's been a long, often difficult process. And I know He's not done yet. I'm grateful He loves me enough to work on me...
All of this is to say that sometimes the plans I make for my year, for my month, for my week, for my day--well, all of them can be thwarted quite easily. I had plans for this to be a major writing year. The Lord has had plans to work on my heart. He's showing me that peace, although I can't understand it, is something worth pursuing. He's showing me that as an imperfect person, I can't hold the imperfections of others against them. He's showing me how to listen more than I speak. He's bringing situations into my life that force me to be confrontational, yet He's showing me how to be gentle in the midst of those confrontations. And I'm learning again that everything that comes into my life is filtered through grace. God knows things are going to happen to me. He knew I'd have a couple of financial issues this year (so far). He knew I'd have to deal with work issues and situations in the lives of friends. He knows everything that's coming, and He's allowing it--the good and the bad--because everything that comes my way is an opportunity to trust Him and show love to others.
And I have a feeling that peace is found somewhere in the midst of all of that.
So no, this year hasn't gone exactly as planned. I could definitely stand to work a little harder, so don't get me wrong. I'm not using this as a cop-out. But when it comes down to it, I'm not really that stressed out that things haven't gone as I planned. God has His own plans. And I'm hoping that when Christmas rolls around again, I'm closer to peace (and to Him) than I was before.
Only, I don't feel like a failure at all. I probably should. I haven't really met many of my goals. I haven't really even tried. Yesterday (okay, and today too), I spent my free afternoon taking a nap and playing stupid computer games. I think I might have a slight touch of apathy going on right now. I hope it passes soon--like by next week, when I have lots of time off that can be used to work on query stuff.
Yeah, but I guess I should be more upset that this year hasn't gone exactly as I had planned back in the last few days of 2010. The last two or three years of my life, I've noticed that my calendar is a week off from the actual calendar. My New Year doesn't begin on New Year's Day. It begins at Christmas. Christmas is the day on which my entire year revolves.
For the last few Christmases, my brain has focused on one idea that has to do with the Christmas story--with the story of God coming down to earth in the form of man in order to redeem mankind from death and sin. Three years ago, I focused on the Star--connecting the stars that God showed Abraham back in Genesis 15 with the Star the Wisemen followed in Matthew 2. I even wrote a song about it. Two years ago, I focused on Joy.
When this past Christmas came, I started thinking early about what idea would stand out. One word kept standing out to me. Peace.
Linus in A Charlie Brown Christmas (my fave Christmas movie) read a passage from Luke 2--"...Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace, good will to men." A song we sang for the choir Christmas program at church--Casting Crown's version of "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day" with the refrain "Peace on earth. Peace on earth. Peace on earth, good will to men."
I wish I had taken Greek and Hebrew in college instead of going with Spanish (because I can't speak Spanish). Then I'd be able to have better insight as to what that phrase "peace on earth, good will to men" actually means. I've read several different translations, which all give the phrase a slightly different meaning. "Peace on earth to men, on whom His favor rests." "Peace on earth to those on whom His favor rests." Does it mean that God offers peace and good will to ALL men? Does it mean that God offers peace because His favor rests with men? Does it mean that God offers peace ONLY to those on whom His favor rests?
I wrestled with this for a little while last December. I came to the conclusion that while the translation and arguments surrounding it might be important at other times and in other circumstances, it didn't really matter to what I was trying to figure out. The fact is, God did come to earth to offer peace to those who would accept Him. He created us. We rebelled against Him. He came down with us to offer us reconciliation. The angel came to bring good news. And it was the best news ever. I think that's why my whole year revolves around Christmas. Easter is important too--it's also the best news ever that death couldn't keep Christ in that tomb. I think the fact that Christ came and the fact that Christ lives are both the best news ever.
The thing is, this whole idea of peace didn't leave me after the Christmas season ended. And I'm still trying to wrap my feeble human brain around the concept of peace.
I'm an angry person. If you haven't noticed this about me, it's not because it's not true. It's just because you haven't seen it. The ladies I work with at the drop-in center have seen it. Lol. I have a short fuse. It's not as bad as it used to be, but it still exists.
But I can handle the short fuse a lot better than I can handle the grudges I hold, the bitterness I have let creep into my heart, the irrational senses of unfairness that I feel. The Lord has been working in my heart since this past Christmas to root out a lot of the anger I didn't even realize I had. Reminders of past pain and grievances have just popped up at seemingly random times, and I've had to deal with them and/or let them go. And it's been a long, often difficult process. And I know He's not done yet. I'm grateful He loves me enough to work on me...
All of this is to say that sometimes the plans I make for my year, for my month, for my week, for my day--well, all of them can be thwarted quite easily. I had plans for this to be a major writing year. The Lord has had plans to work on my heart. He's showing me that peace, although I can't understand it, is something worth pursuing. He's showing me that as an imperfect person, I can't hold the imperfections of others against them. He's showing me how to listen more than I speak. He's bringing situations into my life that force me to be confrontational, yet He's showing me how to be gentle in the midst of those confrontations. And I'm learning again that everything that comes into my life is filtered through grace. God knows things are going to happen to me. He knew I'd have a couple of financial issues this year (so far). He knew I'd have to deal with work issues and situations in the lives of friends. He knows everything that's coming, and He's allowing it--the good and the bad--because everything that comes my way is an opportunity to trust Him and show love to others.
And I have a feeling that peace is found somewhere in the midst of all of that.
So no, this year hasn't gone exactly as planned. I could definitely stand to work a little harder, so don't get me wrong. I'm not using this as a cop-out. But when it comes down to it, I'm not really that stressed out that things haven't gone as I planned. God has His own plans. And I'm hoping that when Christmas rolls around again, I'm closer to peace (and to Him) than I was before.
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