Loving Leadership

If you had told sixteen year old me that I’d one day be writing a blog about leadership, sixteen year old me would laugh at you and then eat seven cookies.  Because sixteen year old me really believed she’d only ever be a follower, and sixteen year old me really had no concept of what too many calories can do to a person.

Leadership is still something that really does not come naturally to me at all, but I’ve somehow found myself in a few leadership positions, lately.  It’s definitely been a learning experience.  God’s used these leading opportunities to teach me more about choosing love over fear.  …because apparently, when you put an insecure person like me in charge of something, well, there’s going to be some sort of struggle.

Struggles aren’t always bad.  They’re just something you have to work through.  I figure that’s why they’re called struggles.

Well, I’m no expert, but here are some of the things I’ve learned about leadership over the past several months:

1. Grace, grace, grace. 

Leadership takes grace.  Lots of grace.  If leadership were ice cream, it would need to be covered in chocolate grace sauce, caramel grace sauce, whipped grace cream, and a generous portion of rainbow grace sprinkles.  And also a big ol’ grace cherry on top.  Now I’m thinking about calories again….

But really, you can’t have leadership without tons and tons of grace.  I mean both from the leaders AND the followers AND from YOURSELF.  I’ve been a follower, and believe me, followers make mistakes.  I’ve been a leader, and BELIEVE me, leaders make mistakes.  Sometimes even the best leaders have to deal with people who think a leader has to be perfect.  But what’s worse is a leader who acts like he/she HAS to be perfect.  Don’t put unrealistic expectations on others.  Don’t put unrealistic expectations on yourself. 

Let me tell you about one of the most gracious people I’ve ever had the opportunity to work with.  My assistant teacher in my preschool class last year was amazing. 

Now, God has a sense of humor, and wouldn’t you know that he put the soft-spoken person (me) in a classroom with a hard of hearing person (my assistant teacher).  So sometimes I would ask her to do something or somehow give direction, and she wouldn’t hear me.  And I’m not going to lie.  I got MAD.  I do that sometimes.  I thought she was just ignoring me or just doing her own thing, because, as I might have mentioned before, I’m insecure. 

So when I got frustrated and confronted her about these times, she would just meekly say, “I’m sorry.  I really didn’t hear you.”  And then I’d feel like dirt, and I’d apologize.

And she forgave me.  Every time.  And on top of that she would make sure she knew how much she appreciated my leadership and friendship.  And THAT, my friends, is an example of a gracious follower, one who has the potential to be a great leader, too.  It’s also an example of a not so gracious leader—but, thank God, that leader (me) is learning.

2. HUMILITY

This kind of goes along with the first one.  When I gave that example of a not so gracious leader (me), there was a redeeming factor.  Eventually.  It might have taken me awhile to get there, but I took notice of the times when I was just plain wrong, and I acknowledged them and sincerely apologized for them.  Because a good (or, in my case, a growing) leader is humble.

In the past few months, God’s taught me a lesson in this through the poor leadership choices of others.  I've been under leaders who would make mistakes and just flatly REFUSE to acknowledge any fault.  I think the rationale is that if a leader appears weak, then those under leadership will lose faith.  And there is that risk.  But leadership is about risk, sometimes, and it’s far better to admit a mistake and even to admit weakness than to stubbornly cling to an ideal that probably doesn’t exist.  In the case of the faulty leadership I was under, the “I’m the leader, I can’t be wrong” mentality only fostered a huge lack of trust in the leadership.

If a leader admits weakness, it can actually help to create a bond of unity between that leader and those he or she is leading.  If a leader can mess up, admit weakness, apologize, and get back up to try again, that creates a positive example people can follow.  If a leader is just going to be stubborn and pretend to be right all the time, that’s setting up a very different template for those under him or her to follow.  Leaders who act pridefully might just end up with a lot of prideful people underneath them.  They’re just following the leader, after all.

3. Servanthood

As humility went along with grace, servanthood goes along with humility.  The best leaders I’ve seen lead by example.  A leader should never expect one of those under him or her to do something that he or she wouldn’t do.  A leader cannot say, “I’m the leader.  I’m above such and such task,” and then go send someone else to do it. 

Now, delegation of duties is important.  I’m not saying that a leader shouldn’t give a menial or routine task to another person.  This can free the leader up to do something else that might require his or her attention.  But a leader can’t just act like he or she is too good for something that people under him or her are doing. 

I’ve been in churches where some of the ministers would go work in the nursery because there was a shortage of workers.  They were serving in a place that didn’t seem important, but their example was incredible.  By serving others in a simple way, they were blessing parents, other nursery workers, and showing the church that anyone can and should serve wherever needed. 

And in my own preschool classroom, I learned that as a leader, my job was to serve all the children in my class, all of their parents, and my assistant teacher.  My assistant and I had a few communication problems, for which she gave me much grace, but I eventually realized that part of my job was finding ways that I could serve her better.  I could give her clearer directions, ask her if she was comfortable doing the things I gave her to do, be open to suggestions, etc.  I was the lead teacher, but as the leader, my job was mainly to serve.  When I realized that, I think it helped me become a better teacher, and that preschool class was the best I’d had in four years of teaching.

4. Exhortation

Part of a leader’s job is to seek out strengths, as well as recognize weaknesses, in others.  Knowing strengths helps with delegation and teamwork and other matters, but it’s more important than that.  A leader who encourages others shows others that he or she notices them and appreciates them.   A leader who sees special qualities or talents in a person can express appreciation, which usually serves to encourage the person to use his or her special skills all the more.  A leader who sees a weak area can provide the support needed to build a person up.  A leader won’t let anyone else tear others down, either, weaknesses or no.

Sometimes a leader can just get a good sense of things and know what is best for his or her team.  Sometimes a leader needs to actually talk to the people under his or her guidance and get to know them.  Sometimes a leader needs to lovingly struggle through difficult situations with others.  If a leader is willing to get to know people and figure out how best to make them feel appreciated, then those who are following him or her are much more likely to be loyal.  That's going to lead to a better working situation for everyone.

5. Protection

A leader protects those under his or her care, at the cost of his or her own welfare.

A leader stands up for those who aren’t able or willing to stand up for themselves, sometimes at the risk of offending someone and risking his or her own position.

A leader fights for justice for those under his or her care.

A leader makes sure that everyone is heard.

A leader defends those who have been wronged.

Sometimes a leader even puts him or herself in bodily harm for the sake of protecting others.

And in my leadership experience, I certainly haven’t had to put myself at physical risk.  But I have had the opportunity to defend others.  And I’m glad that I can at least say that I did defend them in those opportunities. 

I’ve also been blessed to have others defend me under their leadership.  It’s always encouraging to know that someone has your back, no matter if you succeed or fail.

I am still learning how to be a good leader, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be that leader I’d like to be.  I’m still much more comfortable in following, because following requires so much less responsibility.  The thing about following is that if something goes wrong, there’s usually someone in charge that you can blame the bulk of it on.  It's much harder being the one in charge.

But I’m glad I’ve had the opportunities to see that the struggle of leading others is usually worth it.  The sixteen year old me was wrong.  About the leadership AND the cookies. 

But I really could go for a grace sundae right now.

Sin, Grace, and the False Dilemma

The other day, the Christian band "Among the Thirsty" had a quote posted on their Facebook timeline. No one was credited, so I'm assuming it was one of their musicians, but I could be wrong.  Anyway, I liked this quote because it perfectly summarized a thought I've been having lately.

This is what was posted:

"The depravity of man and God's unconditional love for man are merely opposing truths without the bridge that Christ creates."

Lately, it seems I've been bombarded with this idea that EITHER we are dirty, worthless, weak sinners, OR we are redeemed, beautiful, beloved children of God.  I've been gently chided by well-meaning people for suggesting that I'm weak or worthless. I've heard people talking about this either-or scenario, seen people post about it on social media. And honestly, I have wanted to speak up about it for awhile.

Now, I get where some people are coming from (to a point). There are those that can't believe God would love them or that Christ would die for them because they believe the lie that they're too dirty or too far gone. There are also people who have gone through situations that make it oppressively difficult for them to refer to themselves or others as "dirty" or "worthless." I'm trying to be sensitive to that, but I'm coming from a different place. I can't keep quiet about it.

I'm coming from a place where I realize how sinful, weak, and worthless I really am. I'm coming from a place where I know the depravity of my heart, the way it can be quickly turned, the way it seeks the idol of self, the way it always has sought the idol of self. I know how weak I am, that I fear so much, that I want to hide away from the world. I know my worthlessness, that I've corrupted myself for the sake of such temporal things, that I don't have anything of my own to give.

In the perspective of the either-or philosophy on redemption that I've seen so often lately, things don't look so good for me.

Good thing I don't buy into the false dilemma, either-or philosophy.

It's not an either-or; it's a BOTH-AND. It's the most remarkable both-and scenario that ever existed, will ever exist. It's the both-and that changes everything.

I can't grasp how remarkable it is that God loves me unless I know how unlovable I am. I can't grasp how powerful God is unless I know how weak I am. I can't grasp how remarkable it is that Christ would die for me while I was still a sinner, unless I have some minute knowledge of how totally depraved I am.

I'm not wallowing in sin and worthlessness.  That's not where I am at all.  I'm understanding (as much as I can) how hopeless I would be without Christ so that I can appreciate (as much as I can) how much hope I have with Christ.

I'm no longer worthless, not because of some innate worth, but because Christ has given me worth and restored me to the purposes for which I was fearfully and wonderfully made-the God works which were prepared in advance for me to do, to the glory of God. I'm no longer weak because Christ's power is made perfect in my weakness. I'm no longer dirty because Christ literally went through hell to clean me up.

But I can't forget who I would be if God decided to leave me as I was, without Him. I can't act as if I were (and I quote a "Sidewalk Prophets" song that has great intent, and yet, I believe, misses the point) "someone worth dying for." I'm NOT someone worth dying for. But God, because He IS worthy, became a man and died for me. It's not because I am lovable, but because HE IS LOVING.

That is the point.

And while others might find the both-and scenario oppressive, I find that this truth frees me up.  My time and talents aren't mine. They were freely given to me, so I can freely give to others. My worth isn't by my own merit, so I don't have to be afraid that I'm going to mess up and somehow lose my worth. My weaknesses are just opportunities for Christ to reveal His strength. I can truly love my Father because I know how much He loves me. I can truly serve my Father because I know what He has done to adopt me as His child--not just a servant (though I don't even deserve to be that) BUT HIS CHILD.

I'm not wallowing in sin here at all. I'm realizing the remarkable, wonderful, incredible truth that Christ has done the impossible. He bridged the dilemma, the gap, the chasm of our sin, ever keeping us from God's holiness.  He's brought us back to God, made us whole again, and made us children of God.  No, I'm not wallowing. I'm rejoicing!

All glory to God.

Not Enough: The Half Truth and The Whole

So, my blog life has been strangely silent. I have no apologies, but maybe an explanation is in order. Here goes.

I have been mildly depressed since, oh, about New Year's Day. I remember having a day off for the holiday. I was home alone. I felt sick (because this cute little brown eyed blonde girl infected me with a cold that turned into a beast of a sinus infection). I had only been back home a couple of days after spending time with my family. I was feeling lonely, which is not too normal for me. And it hit me that I didn't feel like doing anything besides sleep.

And I'm still kind of in that place. I'm not sad. I'm taking care of myself. I'm going to work and spending time with friends and just generally loving life.  But when I get home at the end of the day, I don't want to do anything.

I do think a lot of my problem has to do with the winter. It's cold. I get home and get cold and just want to lie down. My depression isn't a sad sort of depression. It's an apathetic depression, which might be worse.

And on top of that, I've been super sensitive. An innocent comment can turn me into an emotional wreck. If I even think that someone might possibly disapprove of me or of what I do, it makes me paranoid and defensive. If I fail, I'm super critical of myself. And I've really had to fight against that sort of mindset lately.

And then one day, maybe a few weeks ago, it hit me what was really going on. There's a lot of good stuff going on right now. God's been teaching me more about what it means to be burdened for others. God has been working in me and through me in lots of little ways. I've got a fundraising 15 mile run lined up for April. The funds are going towards an overseas mission trip, which I'm excited, honored, and completely terrified to be a part of. I'm terrified because I'm pretty sure the things I'll be doing on the trip will be things I never thought I'd do before--like public speaking and teaching and...stuff. But God's showing me that there's things He has for me that are so beyond my expectations of myself. ...I mean, there was a time when I thought I was bad with kids...lol. Who knows what other ways I could be wrong about myself? Bottom line, God's got some big stuff to do in me and through me.

And Satan doesn't like it. And Satan has been throwing his best stuff at me. He's hitting me in my insecurities. He's throwing apathy at me. He's trying to make me sin by not trusting, by disobeying, by looking for fulfillment in things besides God. I'm not just saying "The devil made me do it." I'm at fault for my own sin. But I'm not blind to the fact that Satan is trying to keep me out of what God is doing. Which must mean that something awesome is about to happen.

Satan is a sore loser.

I'm learning right now that one of Satan's favorite tactics is the half truth. He loves them. In fact, I think a lot of people are going to go to hell because they believe half truths.  People believe God is loving, and He is, but they fail to see that He is also holy. People believe that God is good, and He is, but they fail to see that He is also just. People believe that we're supposed to love our neighbor, but neglect to understand that love doesn't mean you stand idly by while people sin. And these are crafty little half truths that keep us from the whole truth that will set us free. Satan's been using them for a long time. In the garden of Eden he asked Eve, "Did God really say you can't eat any fruit? You won't die if you eat it. You'll have knowledge. You'll be like God." ...he told part of the truth while blatantly lying about the rest. "Did God really say...?" That's how he works.

And lately Satan has told me many half truths. "You're not enough. You can't help your friends who are hurting. You can't bear their pain. You can't heal their wounds. You make too many mistakes. You fuss at kids. You don't teach your preschool class as well as you should. You don't teach your Sunday school class well. You are awkward. You can't do anything right. You have hangups about a lot of things. People don't understand you. You're backwards. You waste time. You sin. You pursue things besides God. You fail. You mess up. You aren't worthy of grace. You. Are. Not. Enough."

Satan said, and is still saying, all those things to me. And it's easy to listen because, well, he's right. The things Satan sometimes tells us are true, but not the whole truth.

I'm not enough. That is undeniably true. But the whole truth is, God IS enough. Through my sin, through my failures, through my weakness, HE IS GOD. And nothing can separate me from His love. If I run away, even if I could run fast, He's fast enough to catch me.  Even if I fail, He is powerful enough to redeem. Even if I rise on the wings of the dawn or settle on the far side of the sea, even there His hand will guide me, and His right hand will hold me fast.

Satan tells me a lot of half truths. He tells me I'm not enough. But I know the whole truth, and it does set me free. The truth is, I don't have to be enough, because God is enough.

And Satan is going to keep throwing his best stuff at me. Some days will be better than others. But the battle for me has already been won. If Satan is after me, well, so is God. And He's stronger, and He's smarter, and He knows me perfectly. And still loves me. You're right, Satan. I'm not worthy. But God's worth confounds my worthlessness. His love conquered death. That power is at work in me.

I'm going to get through this rough time. Hopefully spring will help chase away the blahs, or maybe I'll just have to wait for a more figurative spring. Either way, I'm thankful for even this season. The daffodils are blooming even in the ice and cold and snow. By His grace, I think I am too.

Peacemaking

Matthew 5:9 NASB

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God."

When I was a naive kid, I used to read that verse and get excited about how God might want to use me to bring about WORLD PEACE. I used to think that making peace meant staying out of fights or doing whatever I could to stay away from conflict. 

In theory, of course. I have a big sister who is the polar opposite of me. We fought and argued like crazy. And I'm stubborn; sometimes I like to argue or stand my ground just so I can pretend I'm right. So even if my childish ideas of peacemaking ever were at all practical, I wasn't good at putting them into practice anyway.

But my ideas were never reality. The reality is, there won't be peace on this earth as long as there are people living on it. We're sinners. We're selfish. We want our own way. And being a peacemaker is just...well...hard.

It's also not passive. I once believed that avoiding conflict was peacemaking. It can be part of it, but peacemaking involves work, and lots of it. It involves giving of self and time. It involves risk and pain. In fact, peacemaking involves war.

We too easily forget that we are at war, that there are forces of evil working against us all the time. There's terrible injustice in the world. There's corruption. There's compromise. And Satan would like nothing better for us to be passive, to pretend that there's nothing wrong or that there's nothing worth fighting for.

That's not the case.

I don't claim to be a peacemaker or even really know how to be one, but I believe it takes a great amount of discernment, of humility, of personal sacrifice, of endurance. 

It takes discernment to know what things are worth fighting for. It takes discernment to know whether to be silent or to speak, when to embrace and to refrain. Peacemaking involves far more wisdom than anyone can muster up on their own. Peacemakers need to pray for guidance, that their minds and hearts will be open to truth, that God will convict and lead them according to His will. We can't claim we know His will unless we continually seek it, unless we continually seek Him.

Peacemakers MUST have humility, first to admit that they are sinners in need of grace they can never repay. They must be willing to yank the planks out of their own eyes before trying to help pull out another person's speck. They must be willing to overlook minor insults, and deal graciously with more major offenses. They must point others to truth instead of just trying to prove themselves right.  They must be quick to offer apology and restitution for any offenses they caused, whether they are accidental or intentional offenses. They must be willing to, whenever possible, make peace with all men, so far as it depends on them (Romans 12:18).

Peacemakers must be willing to sacrifice. Peacemaking involves time, energy, emotional investments. A person can't hope to make real peace unless that person truly, selflessly cares. Peacemaking often involves confronting others with truth-often truth others don't want to hear.  Peacemaking sometimes means standing by God's truth even when no one else is standing by it. Peacemaking can even involve force when injustice is severe. Peacemakers risk the potential of ridicule, of losing friends for the sake of truth, even of personal harm in some extreme cases. When something is worth fighting for, there often can't be peace without a painful struggle.

And sometimes that struggle doesn't end overnight. Sometimes the struggle goes on for years. Sometimes a peacemaker must pray and wait and pray and hope and pray and hurt and pray for years, with no guarantee that peace will ever come.

I know about a mom who is fighting a very unjust ruling over the custody of her son. Her son is worth fighting for.

I know several people who are compromising or even denying their faith to follow the world and its understanding. Their souls are worth fighting for.

I am burdened for those children, for those men and women who are trapped in slavery, some of them who have never known joy and hope. Their freedom is worth fighting for. They are worth fighting for.

Maybe the true definition of a peacemaker is a person who can't have peace until others have it too...and not the peace that this world gives, but the peace of God.

I used to have this saying. "Love is the only weapon that cannot fall into the wrong hands."  No one ever liked that saying, so I stopped saying it, but I still believe there's truth to it. Love, prayer, truth. These are the weapons we have against satan and all the forces that are trying to steal peace. We aren't fighting flesh and blood.

And I don't know if I'll ever be a true Peacemaker, but I do know I'm a child of God. And I do know that He's giving me a heart like His own, one that breaks for those who have no peace. I can't be passive anymore.

God came down in humility as a baby, lived as a man, died on a cross, and defeated death...all to make peace with a rebellious people.

Peace is costly.

But I believe it's something worth pursuing.

Receiving Grace

Tonight, I yelled at "The Princess," one of the girls I watch.

I've yelled at the Princess lots of times.  Most of the time she had it coming. She probably deserved it tonight, too. She wasn't listening. But I still felt bad for yelling at her.

I try to be gracious. Then I fail. And I find myself being the one who has to accept grace.

The Princess has some pride issues. She HATES to be wrong (don't we all). And if she's wrong, and she's wrong a lot...because she's a kid...and a human being, too boot--well, if she's wrong and you catch her being wrong, well, she doesn't forgive that easily.

However, I find her to be very forgiving when other people are wrong. For example, when I apologized for yelling at her, she shrugged and said it was okay. When I asked if I had scarred her for life, she grinned and told me I'm weird. In her vocabulary, "You're weird, Ruth" is synonymous with "I love you, Ruth." At least I hope so, because she says it all the time.

The Princess and I are a lot alike. I see a lot of who I was (and still can be) in her. It's easy to forgive sometimes. It's not so easy to ask for forgiveness.

When we forgive, we get to be the bigger person. We get to be the hero. That's a good feeling.

When we ask for forgiveness, we have to humble ourselves. We have to admit a we are at fault. We have to admit that we aren't these perfect people who always have it together. We have to put ourselves at the other end of grace, hoping the other person will give it, because we need it in order for the relationship to continue and grow.

That's not fun.  But I would venture to say that graciously accepting grace is just as (if not more) important as freely giving grace.

After all, as fallen, sinful humans, we aren't fully able to forgive others until we're able to humble ourselves and accept the grace of God.  We can't begin to comprehend the power of grace until we realize (on some level) just how much grace God gives us.

And when we mess up, as I did tonight with the Princess, we have an opportunity. I could have just brushed off the whole encounter with the Princess. She gets yelled at so much that she can brush it off quickly. But I took the time to pull her aside (after we had both calmed down) and model humility. That doesn't mean she's going to develop her own sense of humility overnight, but children need to understand that it's okay to mess up. They need to see that there's a proper response for those times when we mess up.

Guilt is human, meaningless, and leads to self pity and inaction. Conviction is from God, meaningful, and leads to humility and change.

We need to learn to accept grace and even seek it out--even when it's scary and could lead to rejection. And we need to give grace to others, for we have likewise been forgiven.

We are all undeserving princesses and princess. We aren't perfect, but we should strive to honorably represent our Father in all and say and do.

...Even when we fail.

Monday Blahg: Let Me Sum Up

I'm going to try to make this quick.  I'm tired.  Here's how last week went.

-- Ran a little over 11 miles all at one time.  It was an amazing time of worship.  I think I finally hit my "runner's high."  I think my "runner's high" involves sobbing.  I have to work really hard to control my sobs because running and sobbing don't mix well.  Running and sobbing don't mix well because sobbing and breathing don't mix well.  Running and breathing?  They mix much more better, yes.

--Ran in the Quintiles Girls on the Run 10th Annual 5K.  Last year's race was the first 5K I'd ever run (I'd walked one other one before that).  It was the one I originally started training for, the race that eventually caused me to enjoy running.  I thought about wearing my Second Wind shirt, but since my race registration was free because Right Time Kids (one of my employers) was sponsoring the race, I thought it best to represent them.  But just because my shirt didn't have Isaiah 40:31 posted on the back, that doesn't mean my hope wasn't in the Lord.  The Lord has worked all these circumstances together to shape me into who I am now.  I'm still very much in awe of all that He's done to change me physically, mentally, and Spiritually in the past year--and running has been a HUGE part of that transformation.  I'm not a fast runner.  I ran this 5K in 32:38--which was my fastest 5K time yet.  And that's not a fast time.  Little girls were passing me like I was barely even moving (I'm like a turtle--slow, but cute).  But running isn't a time for me to display my awesome athletic ability, because I don't happen to have any of that.  Every time I run, the Lord is revealing His strength in my weakness, giving strength to the powerless, renewing my strength.  My hope is in Him, and I can boast in my weakness because He is my strength.

--I received three pairs of new socks this week.  New socks are a pretty big deal to me.  One pair was even argyle!

--Played the guitar.  Twice.  Realize how horribly I stink at it.  I enjoy it anyway.  Good worship.

--Finished reading a book.  Not sure what I'm going to read next.  I need to reread a book for a review, so maybe that.  ...or Blue Like Jazz, since the movie is out and everyone is talking about it again.  I tried reading it once and never got into it, but I still own it.  It's been sitting on my bookshelf shooting me plaintive looks for over three years....

--I ate way too much food.  I was feeling really convicted about it Saturday night, but then I pigged out again on Sunday.  Hopefully I'll stop being a glutton this week.  It seems like something so minor--especially when I'm burning off so many calories with my half marathon training, but it's not a calorie issue.  I'm eating junk food when I'm not at all hungry, and it's gotten out of control.  And the Lord is good enough to have convicted me about it.  It seems so small, but God is too holy to allow even seemingly small things to slip by.  I've been using food for fulfillment--even if just a little.  And when I'm seeking fulfillment in ANYTHING besides God, that thing is my idol.  And that's just not good enough.  So I'll be trying to get back on track this week--reminding myself that my hope is ONLY in the Lord.  I'm grateful the Lord is good enough to show me even the failures that seem innocent.

This week:

--Hopefully will eat better--in ways that nourish my body and fuel it....

--...because I'm aiming for another 11 mile run this week.

--Yeah...I'd better reread that book I need to review so I have something to blog about on Fiction Friday.  Lol.

--Figure out some financial/job/grown up type stuff.  I'm a slacker.

--Really try to put my hope in the Lord (and only in the Lord) in all circumstances.  It's hard. 

I'm glad He gives us grace. 
Happy Monday!

Monday Blahg: Sunday Came!

Last week was Spring Break for the main school system around here, which meant my schedule was both 1) different and 2) busy.  The preschool where I work was closed; the kids I nanny for were out of town.  With two out of my four jobs out of the picture, you'd think I'd be less busy.  Well, at times I was.  I still managed to work every day last week (except for Sunday, of course).  And when I was at work, it was INSANE.  I couldn't WAIT for Sunday to come.

But I found some nice pockets of time where I was able to take care of some things. 

--I finished reading a book I need to review, but I think I'm going to reread it before getting to that.

--I actually found a little time to edit my second book.  It wasn't much, but it was something--which is way better than nothing.  I'm a little discouraged at how bad the beginning of this book still is, and I have a feeling I'm going to have to send the first several chapters through the "editing mill" a few more times before I'm even close to being happy.  But honestly, this is part of the writing gig.  I've got to put on my big girl pants and get used to the idea.  Praying for a breakthrough though...it needs something....

--I finally found time to run ten miles!  What with work and unexpected rain delays, I didn't know if I'd have the time, much less the energy, to do it.  But Friday, after work, God provided both the time and the energy and the strength (and beautiful, nearly perfect 60ish degree weather).  I can't describe the feeling, when I put my foot down on that concrete at the end of the sidewalk, realizing I, pansy girl Ruth Campbell, had just run ten miles.  I know I keep repeating myself, but I'm still in total shock that God has allowed me to run and allowed me to enjoy it.  For me, running has become an act of worship, like writing, singing, etc.--and really, everything I do is supposed to be an act of worship.  But unlike writing, singing, etc., running doesn't come easily or naturally for me.  I have to hope in the Lord to give me strength (and renew my strength) with every step that I take.  It has been quite an adventure, and I can't shut up about it.  I'm not sure that I'm supposed to shut up about it.  The running, etc. group (http://www.thesecondwind.net/) I run with has just started up a new spring season, and I'm excited about what God is doing.  If you're in the Raleigh, NC area, come join us! 

--I drank tea.  And sat in the rocking chair on my front porch.  And read a book.  That's a big deal.
--I watched a movie for fun because I wanted to.  The Muppets.  Really good.  I laughed SO hard. 

--I had to buy a new tire.  Saturday morning, I had planned to help out with an Easter Egg hunt at my church, but when I tried to drive there, I found that my tire was flat.  So, I spent the morning at the tire shop instead.  Turns out there was a hole in the side of the tire, where they could not repair it.  Two of my tires were under warranty, but of course, the damaged one was not one of them.  So, after an oil change, a new tire, a warranty plan on said new tire, and some other stuff, I put a lot of money on the credit card I'm actually trying to pay off.  So, my debt is growing instead of shrinking.  But--it's really not a big deal.  Unexpected stuff happens.  I have far too much to be thankful for to get stressed over money.

Honestly, with all the various work issues and tire issues and life issues of last week, I was really ready for a break.  I was ready for Easter to come.  And it came.  It didn't just come yesterday, but it came 2000 years ago.  Jesus didn't stay in the grave.  Death could not hold Him.  And so no matter what else happens, I have hope.  My hope isn't in me.  My hope isn't in my finances or my jobs.  My hope isn't in my abilities, as if I could claim credit for even the ones that come easily.  Everything I have is a gift, and sometimes gifts are hard to accept.  Sometimes it's hard to accept that I'm a weak sinner and that I can't do anything to save myself.  Sometimes it's hard to accept the grace of God--but Jesus died so that I could have that grace.  My hope is in Him.

And this week:

--I want to run another ten miles.
--I want to get back to the old work routine.  I miss my preschool kids and the girls I watch!
--I want to edit my book some more.
--I want to start reading Slide by Jill Hathaway.  Amazon finally delivered it, and I finally finished the other book so I can start it!
--I want to play my guitar for more than just a few minutes.  Something tells me it's time to write another song soon.
--I so need to work on a job application.

Yeah.  There's lots of things I want to do.  I don't know if I'll do them.  Unexpected things (like flat tires) happen.  And that's okay.  Everything that comes my way is allowed by grace.  Everything that comes my way is an opportunity to trust God and love others.  And I don't have any reason to worry about any battles I face, because Christ has already won this war.

And this is still my song for 2012.  May it be a blessing as you start this week.  Hopeful Monday!

I Am NOT Strong

You sense it.  I sense it.  We all sense it.  It's that pressure from society that tells us we have to be strong.  It's that pressure from society that tells us we have to have it all together, that tells us we have to look our best, be our best, outperform everyone else, and just generally be awesome in every possible way. 

And if society isn't telling us to be strong, then we're telling ourselves that we have to be strong.  We believe we have to be the best parent, the best spouse, the best friend, the best worker, the best whatever, and there is absolutely no room for error. 

And if for some reason we can't be this perfectly strong person, we buckle down and give into depression, despair, and guilt.  We trick ourselves into believing we live in a world made up of people who have it all together, and if we can't have it all together, too, then we're failures.  We either stop trying and succumb to mediocrity--or worse, or we put on a bold face, try harder, and proclaim to the world that we are STRONG.

Sometimes these proclamations don't come in words.  Sometimes we proclaim our strength by putting on our best clothes and make up, trying to look the part that we're playing.  Sometimes we proclaim it by doing things to attract attention.  Sometimes we proclaim it by trying to make others look weaker than us.  Sometimes we proclaim it by attacking anything that threatens our facades of strength, or anything that even suggests that we're not like all those imaginary people who have it all together.

It's not fun being weak.  It means we can't save ourselves.  It means that we have to rely on others--when it often so much more pleasant to be the person upon which others rely.  It means we have to face the ugliness in the mirror as being our own.  It means that we are broken, and it means that we can't do a blasted thing to fix our own brokenness.

When we reach that place of brokenness, it's often easier to pretend it isn't there.  It's often easier to proclaim, however it is we proclaim it, that WE ARE NOT WEAK; WE ARE STRONG.  It's comforting to hear ourselves proclaim this, but after a while, our own voice sounds pretty unconvincing.  There's no truth to it. 

We aren't strong.  We are weak. 

Paul was a pretty awesome guy.  He spoke eloquently; he was a good leader.  He knew what he believed and knew how to speak and write about it.  He was a Law-abiding Jew, one who had studied the Law and upheld it, one who had been through much persecution and prevailed.  Yet, Paul knew that he was weak, and he did not run away from it.

"...there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (emphasis mine)


I think sometimes we'd like to rewrite what Paul said there.  I think we'd like to say, "...I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me, and immediately He did.  He said to me, "Because you belong to Me, I'm going to give you strength so you can be strong and never have to deal with weakness again."  Therefore, I will boast that I am STRONG, because power rests on me.  That is why, for my own sake, I delight in being strong.  For I. AM. STRONG."

Sounds great...but that's not what Paul said. 

I've been spared from a lot of hardship that other people have had to face, but I've suffered some rejection in my life.  I've been rejected, and that rejection has become part of my identity.  When I look in the mirror, part of what I see is named "Rejected."  It would be comfortable to deny this part of myself, but I won't deny it, and I don't believe Christ denies it. 

"Rejected" isn't the only name I have, nor is it the most important name I have.  The most important name I have is "Beloved Child of God."  When I look in the mirror, that identity overwhelms everything else that I see.  It's just that when God claimed me as His child, He didn't remove the rejection.  He doesn't deny what I've been through or the pain it has caused me.  He hasn't fixed that broken part of me and made it all shiny and new so that everyone who sees me sees something perfect and strong.

See, one of the things that I find the most confusing about God is that He doesn't love us in spite of our weakness.  He just loves us.  He loves us as we are.  He doesn't give us His strength and just banish all the pain of our past, present, and future.  He gives us His strength daily to live for Him within the contexts of our weaknesses.  I can be "Rejected" and "Beloved" all at the same time, just as Paul could be "Weak" and "Strong" at the same time. 

"Rejected" isn't my only name, my only weakness.  I'm far too easily discouraged.  I'm overly sensitive.  I have no tact.  I don't speak well--especially not in situations where I'm uncomfortable.  I have a short fuse.  I get emotional too easily.  I freak out when I don't know what's expected of me or if I don't know how to behave.  I have no gumption.  I use the word awesome too much.  I make poor decisions and let people walk all over me.  I AM WEAK.

God is using me--not in spite of all these things.  He's working through them, using me as I am, using even my weaknesses for His glory.  I have no gumption, and I'm easily discouraged, but I still believe that I'm going to get my writing published someday.  When I do, I won't be able to praise myself for my talent or myself for the process of getting published.  I'm weak, but I serve a God who uses the weak and foolish to shame the strong and wise (1 Corinthians 1:27).  That's my only hope, yet that is a great hope.

I believe that God can and does receive glory through all of the things that He's allowed me to walk through, both the good and the bad.  If I were perfect, if I'd never been hurt, if I was able to do everything right and never mess up, if I just had a holy dose of strength that never allowed me to be exposed to weakness or pain again, then I would think that I have no need for Christ's daily provision.  And I don't think Christ would be glorified in a pious people continually walking in perfect strength.  Rather, I think Christ is more glorified through a group of needy individuals who reach and strive daily for Him and His grace.

I'm not strong.  I am weak.  And I can boast about that, not because there's anything amazing about me--but because my God is amazing.  He redeems my weaknesses and gives me strength in the midst of them. 

I'd like to share a video by a guy named Jason Gray.  Jason Gray is a pretty cool guy, from what I've seen and heard.  He's got so much better guitar skills than I'll ever have, and he's got an amazing voice.  At least, he's got an amazing voice when he sings.  Jason Gray has a speech impediment.  He stutters uncontrollably while he's speaking, but the impediment does not affect his singing at all.  In a world that shuns weakness and embraces strength, it might be easier for Jason Gray to keep the talking to a minimum and just sing.  But he does speak about his stuttering--he stutters about his stuttering.  He proclaims his weakness, boasts in His weakness, knowing that God can use his example to encourage others and to give Himself glory.  And God is using Jason Gray, not because he is strong, but because he's a weak person who can only be strong in Christ. 

...and he has a really awesome purple plaid shirt.  I also have an awesome purple plaid shirt.  I think everyone should have an awesome plaid purple shirt...


So what are your weaknesses?  What are some ways that God has worked through your weaknesses to reveal His perfect power?

2011 No Shredding Zone

I was listening to KLOVE while beginning my loooong drive home from central KY-eastern NC (with a short detour in SC) Wednesday morning, and I heard one of their DJs, Amanda, talking about "shredding" things from 2011.  The things to be "shredded" could be things like bad situations, wrongful attitudes, poor habits, bad relationships, etc.  She was talking about how we should get rid of those negative things from 2011 and "shred" them so that they wouldn't be around to bother us in 2012. 

If I hadn't been driving down the interstate at 70(ish) miles an hour, I probably would have called in.  It's a good thing I didn't, because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have come across very clearly.  KLOVE is a "positive and encouraging" radio station, so I'm pretty sure the lack of clearness in my communication would have sounded pretty discouraging and negative, even though that would not have been my intention.  I know what she was doing was a good thing.  Some people really need to get rid of bad habits, abusive relationships, negativity, etc.  It's just that I have a little different perspective.

I'm not one of those people who goes around saying, "No regrets."  Of course I have regrets.  I'm human.  I mess up all the time and screw up my own life as well as the lives of others.  Even when it's not my fault, this world is tainted with sin; situations arise that just don't go the way I want them to go.  Sometimes that's for my good; sometimes I just don't see why in the world things can't be different.  Sometimes there seems to be no reason for pain.  So, yes.  I have regrets.  I have a lot of them. 

But just because I've collected some regrets over 2011 doesn't mean I'm ready to go "shred" them.  The main thing the Lord has been teaching me over the past year is that HIS GRACE covers everything.  That means that every situation that arises in my life is something that He has allowed to happen.  Does that mean He's caused every bad situation?  No.  As I said before, sometimes bad stuff is the result of my own bad behavior or my own poor choices.  Other times, though, bad stuff just happens.  We live in a sinful world, and we have to deal with the results of sin.  God doesn't necessarily cause bad stuff to happen.  But I know that if I'm going through a situation, it's something that has already been filtered through God's grace.  He's allowed it, and sometimes for reasons I'll never understand. 

And if God has allowed something to happen, then it's something He wants me to walk through.  That doesn't mean it's going to be easy, but it leaves me with two amazing opportunities, opportunities that are only provided through His amazing grace.  I'm offered the opportunity to show love to others.  If someone sins against me, causing me pain, I have the opportunity to love them.  If someone does something to inconvenience me, I have the opportunity to show them grace--the same grace that I've been freely given. 

I also have the opportunity to trust God.  Sometimes the reason I have to hurt is clear; other times, it's not.  And I can sit and wallow in self-pity, or I can sit and allow myself to get bitter, or I can put on some kind of facade that makes everyone think I'm somehow strong enough to deal--when I'm really not.  Or, I can surrender the situation over to the Lord, trusting Him and His sufficient grace to be my perfect power in my weaknesses.

Everything that has happened in 2011 is something the Lord allowed me to walk through.  Everything before 2011 was something the Lord allowed me to walk through.  I can't "shred" my past; it's part of me, part of the person that the Lord is creating and recreating.  I learn from mistakes, I grow through my struggles.  The things that have happened to me, good and bad, are things that helped to shape me.  They don't define me, but then again, neither do my successes.  They're all just part of what the Lord has given me to help me know Him more. 

What does define me?  Grace.  Just grace.  That's why I can look towards 2012 as a year of Hope.

Thoughts on 2011

As Christmas and New Years get closer, I am thinking a lot about this past year.  I enjoy reading all those Christmas letters that people send, which talk about the accomplishments and events in the lives of their families.  I don't have a family--at least not one that doesn't live over 500 miles away--and somehow it seems lame to just write a Christmas letter about myself.  I did that last year--via facebook, because I'm too lazy to actually send out letters on actual paper.  This year, I'm a little too busy for a Christmas letter, but I do feel the need to write a little about 2011.  Here seems like a good place.

There are two things that stand out in my mind as I think about 2011.  I started running in February.  Part of me still can't believe that I'm a runner now, and that I actually enjoy it, and part of me can't believe there was ever a time that I didn't identify myself as a runner.  And really, by running, I mean jogging/waddling, but after living 30 years as a "I'll stick to power-walking, thank you" person, I'll take what I can get.  It's interesting that a few months after I began running, a running/swimming/bicycling group was started by a man at my church.  I don't think it's at all coincidence; the Lord prepared me at just the right time for this, and I think it's hilarious that I'm actually part of a sports ministry.  I never would have thought that.  It's definitely something the Lord has done in my life.  I ran two 5Ks and a 10K in 2011, and I'm just itching to do a half marathon.  I think that's probably going to happen in 2012.  I kinda sorta really want a 13.1 sticker on the back of my car. 

The second thing that really stands out to me about 2011 is the overwhelming grace and generosity shown to me by both God and other people.  There were so many times that people gave me significant financial gifts to help me through somewhat major financial crises, to help me travel to visit my family, or just to help me in general.  Beyond that, I have had people help me out by looking at my car when it was being a jerkface, or doing things for me when I was too busy to get them done, or just treating me to coffee when I was stressed out.  I've been overwhelmed by the amount of generosity shown by others, and the grace of the Lord who loves me far more than I deserve.

I know the Lord has been working in my heart to actually ask for help when I need it.  I've had to ask for financial help, but I've also been stretched to ask for help in other areas.  I've had to ask people to look at my writing when it wasn't exactly comfortable for me to do so.  I've asked someone to help me start a website.  I'm in the process of asking for some help in recording some music.  These seem like little things, but I'm a pretty independent person who doesn't like to bother people.  But sometimes I need help, and if I'm going to get that help, I have to ask for it.  Sometimes that's nothing more than an act of obedient faith.  I'm working on that one--and fortunately God is patient!

I've become aware that while there is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it, I do need to do some major work towards being able to fully support myself financially.  I can't keep expecting others to get me out of trouble when it comes--and it always seems to come.  I might have to look for new work, which will mean even more changes in a 2012 that is promising a lot of change.  And I don't like change.

But, if you've read this blog recently, then you know that this season is all about hope for me.  I'm feeling very hopeful about what God has in store for me.  I know I can't do things on my own, and I'm still learning to ask for the help that I need--both from God and from other people.  Even though I'm definitely a little anxious, perhaps even scared about the change that's definitely coming, I'm looking forward to 2012 and what's going to come. 

Idolatrous Anger

What do two ladies on the telephone, a few friends on facebook, and a well-meaning driver have in common?

They are all people whose behavior I cannot control.

Yet, in the past two days, all of these people have made me angry.  Scratch that.  In the past two days, I've allowed myself to become angry after interacting with all of these people. 

I'm not sure why this is, but one of my greatest insecurities is being thought of as stupid.  I know I'm not stupid.  I've got a slightly higher than average I.Q., I made good grades when I was in school, and people have generally led me to believe that my conversational skills are not comparable to that of a brick wall.  But I know I'm insecure about what people think of my intellect because I tend to get REALLY angry when I think that someone's insulting my intelligence, talking down to me, or patronizing me in any way, shape, or form. 

Maybe it's a common human reaction.  Most of us don't like being told things that we already know, as if we don't know them.  Most of us don't like it when people talk to us like we're children who don't really understand what's going on.  Most of us don't like it when people don't respect us as we want to be respected.  Just because it's common doesn't make it okay.

In the past year, the Lord's really been working on my anger.  I still have a short fuse when I get overwhelmed (and sometimes when I'm just plain whelmed), and I am working on this, but that's not really what I'm talking about.  When my short fuse blows, it's usually quick.  I don't have time to think.  There's just an outburst, and it's over.  Life goes on.  But the anger that really goes deep is the kind that is calculated, the kind that I have time to think about and plan a course of action.

Like Monday morning, when I assumed that a handful of friends on facebook were calling me stupid.  They weren't really doing this (the whole thing was not a big deal at all until I made it into one), but my insecurity kicked in.  I made some kind of snarky comment, which I knew I shouldn't post.  The Holy Spirit was working on me, and I ignored Him because I wanted respect.  I demanded respect, even if it was just in the form of an innocent looking snarky comment with a smiley face added to the end.  But God knew my heart, and my heart wasn't right.  And I posted that comment in anger, and then went out the door to go to work, taking my guilt with me.

It's funny how one sin can lead to another.  I was angry, unjustifiably, but I wanted to justify it.  So on my way to work I kept running the scenario over in my head, wanting to make myself out to be the good guy and everyone else out to be wrong.  And then, as I was mulling all of this over in my head, knowing in the back of my mind that I was sinning, this driver did something that ticked me off even more.  It wasn't dangerous.  She wasn't doing anything that could have hurt me or anything else.  In fact, she was trying to be nice, not realizing that she was blocking me from my intended destination.  But since I was already angry, already wanting to be right, already wanting to get my way, I allowed myself to get angry at this other person who was blocking my path to what I wanted, when I wanted it. 

Later that day, I answered the phone at the house where I nanny.  When I informed the lady on the phone that I was the nanny, her tone changed and she started talking to me as if I were a child.  I asked for a phone number so the mom could call her back; she blurted it out.  When I asked her to repeat it, she said each number as slowly as humanly possible and added, "Did you get it that time, sweetie?" 

Then yesterday, another lady called the house where I nanny.  When she heard I was the nanny, she told me that she wasn't comfortable leaving a message with me because she didn't think I was responsible enough to deliver it.

And while I tried to be polite to both of these women, inside (and outside once I was off the phone with them), I was livid.  I was outraged at the disrespect, the condescension, the belittlement.  Again, I was feeling as though I was being thought of as stupid, and that was something I couldn't bear....

...only I kind of figure that there's a reason all of this stuff has happened to me in the past couple of days.  In praying for humility, I've been humbled.  In praying for God to make me more gracious, I've been given opportunities to do so, and I've failed.  And I think I've failed because God is still stripping down the layers of anger that I want to hold on to.  I want respect.  I want things my way.  I want people to take me seriously.

Only I'm more worried about what other people think than about what God thinks, and when I defend myself, I'm not trusting Him enough to defend me.  And if He's not defending me, then it's probably an issue that really doesn't matter.  At all.  I just want to glorify myself instead of glorifying Him; that's where the real problem is.

And the thing is, I don't have control over other people.  I can't make a lady on the telephone treat me with respect.  Is she wrong for her behavior?  Maybe.  It doesn't matter--I can't change her behavior at all.  If some of my facebook friends really did assume I was stupid, were they in the wrong?  Maybe.  It doesn't matter--I can't change their behavior.  Just like I can't control the driving of anyone else just by blowing my horn at them. 

When it comes down to it, there's only one person I can control, and that's me.  If I think someone wrongs me, or even if they really do wrong me, I have a choice about whether I can show grace and forgive, or whether I'm going to be angry and sin.  I have a choice about whether I'm going to make my cause most important, or whether I'm going to do what is right in the eyes of God.  I'm apparently still learning this lesson: Everything that comes my way is an opportunity to love others and to trust God. 

I have to say though, I'm thankful for this lesson, as painful as it's been.  I'm thankful for a God who loves me enough to stretch me, enough to humble me, enough to show me grace...and to teach me how to show grace to others.

I might be the only person in the world who was dumb enough to ask for patience twice.  You'd think I'd have learned the first time that God rarely grants patience in an instant--He usually teaches patience by making us wait...and wait...and wait.  And I kinda figure that breaking through my anger is going to be a similar process.  But selfish anger, like a lot of other things, is an idol.  And God loves me too much to allow me to keep it.

Sunday Sum-Up: Giving Grace

I really never intended to talk about God so much in this blog.  It's not that I ever wanted to purposefully shy away from my relationship with God/Jesus here, but I never purposed for this blog to be so close to my faith.  It's just very hard for me to separate my writing from my beliefs, and vice versa.  I guess it's a good sign that I can't compartmentalize; Christ isn't just a part of my life.  He's everything.  And while sometimes I can blog about something without bringing my faith into it, it's exceptionally difficult (or perhaps impossible) to talk about what's going on in my life without bragging on God.  Because the Lord is the One who is leading me through my life right now, and He's teaching me far more than I deserve to learn.

A theme that keeps popping up right now is grace.  And grace is a weighty term, hard to define, even harder to accept and express.  Maybe it should be simple, but because we're complicated people, we tend to make even the simplest concepts difficult.  The grace of God is free, and yet so many people can't accept it.  People can't even accept the reality of a gracious God, or they can't accept the goodness of a gracious God, or they can't accept that grace is really free apart from human effort, or they can't accept that free grace could be for a sinful person.  And while I could camp out on that for a while, that's really not what I want to focus on here, not because it's not important, but because it's really not what I'm struggling and striving with right now.

I know God is gracious.  I know that His grace is free.  I know that it's His good pleasure to give that grace to sinners--sinners like me.  And it's one thing to sit here and blog about being a sinner saved by grace; it's a totally different thing to live that out.  God's been patiently, graciously teaching me that everything He allows to happen in my life--everything--is a chance to love others and a chance to trust Him.  But once again, it's one thing to blog about that, and another thing to live it out. 

I'm blogging about this as my weekly sum-up because the Lord's been working on this concept of giving grace to others, and this week He's really brought all that to a crux.  I went to one of those preschool teacher workday things, expecting to hear about different ways to help children learn and grow.  I was actually expecting it to be boring and generally not useful to my life.  Instead, our director talked to us about communicating love and grace to one another.  And it went along perfectly with everything the Lord's been teaching me.  ...and it humbled me.

Then I read a blog post entitled "I'm Christian, Unless You're Gay" , and I was floored.  The author isn't a Christian, but he gets something that a lot of Christians seem to miss.  Now, I don't agree with every statement he made, nor do I think that homosexuality is okay (just to clarify, I don't hate gays; in fact, I have some gay friends.  I believe practicing homosexuality is a sin--just like any other sin--which is something that is contrary to the will of God--and I'm definitely a sinner in need of grace just like everyone else), but I admire and respect the guy who wrote this blog.  First off, he was respectful, yet honest.  Second, he stated his main point clearly without allowing himself to be drawn away to any arguments that were secondary to his main point: that no one is perfect and that everyone needs love.  As far as his blog post goes, it doesn't matter if his readers think that homosexuality is a sin or not; the point is, we're all imperfect people, and we all need love.

And I'm not about to go start holding up signs that say "God Hates Fags," but if I were really honest with myself, I'm pretty sure that sometimes I'm holding up an invisible sign that says, "The way you're dressed makes me uncomfortable," or "The fact that you just ran a red light means I have the right to honk my horn and yell at you," or "The language you're using makes me not want to associate with you." 

Where do I get the idea that some sins are worse than others?  Where do I get the idea that I'm more righteous than others?  How can I so easily accept the free grace of God without giving it just as freely to others? 

But I'm not the only one who does it.  I'm not justifying myself.  I'm not trying to judge others.  I'm just stating a fact.  I know I'm not the only one who does it because God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit saw/sees a need to speak again and again to the self-righteousness of humanity.

The bottom line?  We're all children.  I work with kids.  What are they like?  They can be sweet and tender.  They're a great joy to me.  But honestly, children are often childish (imagine that).  If I ask a child to clean something up, the #1 response I get is, "But I didn't make the mess!"  And that's a ridiculous attitude, but recently I discovered that grown-ups act the same way.  If I see something out of place in the preschool storage room, instead of simply putting it away, I mentally tell myself, "Whoever took it out should put it away.  It's not my responsibility."  And everyone has that attitude, so as a result, the misplaced item never gets put in its place.  So someone gets upset because the room eventually gets messy.  Then the grumbling starts.  Wouldn't it be easier to just clean up one another's messes?  Wouldn't it be easier to GET OVER OURSELVES and show a little grace?

If I sound preachy, it's because I'm preaching to myself.  I have been given so much grace.  I can't hoard that grace; I need to give it to others.  The thing that keeps me from loving my neighbor: pride.  Selfishness.  Fear that I'll not have enough for myself.  I'd be much better off forgetting myself.  And doing this is impossible in my own power. 

Ironically, the only way I can be gracious is to receive grace.  And, praise the Lord, He is faithful.  He does give more grace.

I could go on and on, but I'm going to leave you with the incredible words of James.  I'm posting the entire chapter of James 4, because it's all pertaining to what I've said here.  We need to get over ourselves and our selfish desires.  We need to rely on the grace of God.  We need to humble ourselves and boast only in the Lord.  It's easy to look down on others for the wicked things they do, but sometimes we're even more guilty because there is good that we can do, there are people we can love, and when we fail to love, we sin.

"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?  You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God.  When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
'God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble.'
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor? Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.' As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins." --James 4

I'm going to say just one thing more.  I've had several conversations about my new blog project this week.  I'm still working on it, still praying about it, still planning and getting excited.  The thing is, all this stuff that the Lord is graciously teaching me is really applicable to my blog.  That's just really neat to me, how the Lord is working and bringing things together, just at the right time.  God is so good.

Filtered Through Grace

You may remember the birthday par-tay I wrote about in my last post.  I needed that particular birthday par-tay to be over in time for me to be out the door at 4:15 so I could make it to my church choir practice at 4:30.  I discussed this with Miss Stefanie before agreeing to take the birthday par-tay gig.  She assured me they knew they were supposed to be completely done at 4:15, and that I would be able to leave on time. 

The birthday party (sorry, I couldn't pull of the par-tay thing anymore) didn't end until 4:25.  I practically pushed the family out the door at 4:30. 

And I was ticked off.  Not at Miss Stefanie, but at the situation.  And I'm making a public apology to Miss Stefanie right now, because while I didn't blame her for the incident, I did send her a not-nice text right after the party assuring her that I would NOT be doing any more birthday parties.  Basically, I was a jerk.

Sorry, Miss Stefanie.  You rock.  ...and I'm still not doing anymore birthday parties, but this time I'm not saying it in my "angry voice." 

But Sunday afternoon, as I was driving, already late for choir practice, I remember seething about the whole situation.  "I'm late!" I told myself.  "The people having the party made me late!  I agreed to be somewhere else right now, and I had to break a commitment!"  Really, it wasn't that big of a deal at all that I showed up 15 minutes late to choir practice, but I felt I had to be justifiably angry about something.  So I picked the whole "breaking a commitment thing" because it sounded nice and righteous.  Never you mind that I'm often about 5 minutes late just because I have trouble leaving my apartment on time....

Then yesterday, I really wanted to go running.  My foot was hurting over the weekend, and so I had decided to rest it until last night.  Then last night I was going to start training for my 10K (which is a month from today--yikes!).  It was all gonna work out.  I wasn't supposed to work last night--I was just "on call" because the mom I work for was "on call."  And she hardly ever gets called in.  But she did.  So I did, too.

And the dad was supposed to be home in time for me to meet with my running group, but then he wasn't.  That wasn't his fault and I didn't blame him.  It was just that by the time I got off it was too late to meet my running group, and in fact, it was too dark to go run at all.

So I went home with full intentions to get on my elliptical and at least get some exercise.  Instead, I threw myself a minor cranky-pants party and ate a few handfuls of candy corn. 

I was pouting.  I was pouting because things didn't go my way again.  And, once again, it was something good that I wanted to do that another obligation prevented me from doing. 

And after several minutes of being a cranky-pants, I finally started talking to God.  Only I wasn't being very nice about the whole thing.  The gist of my prayer was, "God, the stuff I'm wanting to do is good stuff.  I wanted to run and start training for that 10K, and I need to do it.  You know I need to do it.  Why would You allow that to be prevented from happening?  This is like the other night when I wanted to be on time for choir practice, and You allowed that to be prevented, too.  What's up with that?"

God  responded, "Oh, so you're asking me now?  I was wondering if you were ever going to get around to that.  Yes, I allowed this.  I allowed it because you obviously have something to learn from it."

Ouch.

It's been a slow, sometimes painful lesson, but God is gradually teaching me that every single thing that comes my way is filtered through grace.  I've said that before on here, and I'll probably say it again.  I'm repetitive because that's how I learn.  Through repetition.  As God's repeating these lessons and themes in my life, they're bound to come up again and again in my blogging. 

Everything that comes my way is something God allows.  As hard as it is for me to trust, this is a difficult concept to wrap my brain around.  If everything seems to be going well, God allows that.  If a kid gets snot all over my sweater, while I'm pleading, "Let's not snot Miss Ruth's sweater, please," God allows that.  If my brakes start making squeaky noises that lead me to assume I've got even MORE work that needs to be done on my car, God allows that.  If hectic life situations prevent me from doing something noble that I really want to do, God allows that.  And if God allows it, then God will provide grace to get through it, one way or another. 

Please don't think I'm making light of life.  I know the examples I listed above might seem really trite and unimportant.  Getting snot on my sweater isn't a huge deal.  Needing new brakes on my car is a little bit bigger of a deal.  But I have no idea what my readers are going through.  You might be experiencing a tremendous heartache that doesn't make sense.  You might have lost a loved one.  You might have found out someone you love has cancer.  You might be suffering through another month of unemployment and financial difficulty.  You might be struggling with addictions, with anger, with rejection, with fear.

I don't know what you're going through.  But I know that God is near to the brokenhearted.  And I know that His grace is sufficient.  God may or may not have caused whatever issues you're dealing with.  Sometimes our pain is the result of our own sin; sometimes it's the result of someone else's sin.  Sometimes life just stinks.  Whether or not God has caused our pain and problems, He has allowed these things in our lives.  Sometimes that's to teach us something; sometimes that's just to bring us closer to what we really need in Him.  Honestly, I don't know all the reasons why we have to struggle.

But I firmly believe there is mercy in those struggles.  If He's allowed them, He will provide what we need to get through them.  It might not be what we expect or desire, but provision will be there.

Everything we encounter is filtered through grace.  And lately, the small inconveniences in my life have been opportunities to trust God.  They've also been opportunities to love others.  And sometimes I fail and sometimes I succeed, but God is faithful to keep teaching me in the midst of all of it. 

And I still have no clue where He's leading me, but I know He's changing me.  He's preparing me for something that's probably going to take a little bit of flexibility on my part.  These little tests He's allowing are preparing me for greater challenges that I'm going to face further down the road.  I'm learning.  I'm learning to love others even when they've inconvenienced me or even drastically hurt me.  I'm learning to trust God even when I can't see rhyme or reason for what's going on in my life.  I know I'm not there yet, but right now I'm just overwhelmed that God would love me enough to work on me, to make me more into the person He wants me to be. 

Sweater snot happens.  Flat tires and bum brakes happen.  Heartbreaks happen.  Deaths happen.  Pain and problems and annoyances and outbursts and bills and illnesses and stress and struggles happen. 

There is mercy in the struggle.

Everything is filtered through grace.

Everything is an opportunity to trust God and to love others.

We can't control what other people do to us, but we can choose to love.  We can choose to trust and obey.  It's not easy, but there's grace for that, too.

Lessons from the Cicada

This morning started out with a groan.

I stayed up way too late last night reading a book.  So when the alarm clock went off at 6 a.m., I turned it off and groaned. 

Before the groan had fully escaped my mouth, I was convicted.  As much of a complainer as I tend to be, it's pretty remarkable that I was convicted so quickly.  But I knew I had no reason to groan.  It was morning.  It was a new day full of new mercies.  And I was alive.

And I got up and got dressed, resolving to try to refrain from complaining and groaning (which probably only lasted about fifteen minutes, but it's a start).  I was getting my snacks ready for the day when I realized the trash needed to be taken out.  Since my roommate has been out of town for over a week, I've realized that the trash can doesn't magically empty itself.  Someone has to take it.  And since I'm the only one currently staying at my apartment, that someone had to be me. 

So I took out the trash and was greeted by a few pleasant things.  First, my senses were embraced by a refreshing coolness.  Since I'm too cheap to use the air conditioner, it was probably about 15 degrees hotter in my apartment than it was in the morning outdoor air.  The sudden and unexpected coolness felt alive; it seemed to indicate that this summer season and its oppressive heat aren't going to last forever--change is coming soon. 

The second pleasantry was the noises of creation.  There were birds singing, as they do pretty much year round (why some of those crazy birds don't migrate in the winter is a mystery to me.  If I had wings, I'd SO be migrating to warmer places come winter).  There were also the songs of the cicadas--which I thought were supposed to sing when it's hot and not when it's cool, but I guess they just like making noise whenever.

I had a conversation with some friends the other night about cicadas.  We came to the conclusion that it would pretty much suck to be a cicada--at least the kind of cicada that hides underground for 17 years.  Not all of them do.  Some of them are only underground a couple of years.  Some are underground 13 years.  Others are underground 17.  Thank you, Wikipedia.

So imagine being a cicada who lives underground for 17 years.  You haven't seen the sun since you were a little bitty newly hatched baby buggy.  You live in the dirt.  That's gotta be pretty boring--those earthworms are pretty dull neighbors from what I hear.  Finally, after 17 long years of waiting in darkness, you reach adulthood and emerge out into the sunlit surface, where you molt off your old cicada shell, ready to embrace your brand new life.  You sing out your lovely cicada song, happy to be alive and free in a brave new world!

Then you get eaten by a bird.

Yeah.  It would suck to be a cicada.

But the thing is, the cicadas still sing.  I think this must be one of those end of the 17 year cycle years, because they seem to be so much louder than usual this year.  And it makes me happy to hear them sing.  It makes me happy because they're singing as they were designed to sing.  I know that boy cicadas sing to attract girl cicadas, but the bottom line is, God made them to do that.  So when they sing, they're doing what they were made to do, and therefore, they are glorifying God.

The thing is, a cicada doesn't have any say in the matter.  It glorifies God just by being what it is.  But I'm a human being.  I've got the power to choose whether I'm going to sing or groan, whether I'm going to glorify God or not.  And I haven't lived underground for 17 years, waiting to come to the surface.  It's highly unlikely that I'll wake up tomorrow morning and get eaten by a bird.  In fact, no matter what happens to me, as long as I'm alive, I know I'm going to get up tomorrow and be greeted by tons of grace that I don't deserve.

So my prayer is that I wake up tomorrow and start the day with a song.

SEW Sunday: Grace

I think I'm going to change SEW Sunday to something more generic, because this week I have absolutely nothing to report in the writing world.  I'm supposed to use SEW Sundays to talk about what's going on with the queries I'm SENDING, the stories I'm EDITING, and the stories I'm currently WRITING.  But I've kind of realized lately that while the writing stuff is very important, there are going to be times when I don't do anything with it.  And that's okay.  I mean, just because I'm not writing or working on something that has to do with writing does NOT necessarily mean I'm not doing other things that are important.

This week, writing was pretty much out of the question.  Why?  Because I worked from 8-5:30 every day except for Thursday (Thursday I worked 8-1 and then went home and took a nap because I was BURNT OUT from the rest of the week), and then Monday-Friday I had VBS from 5:45-8:30ish.  So most days I left my apartment at 7:45 a.m. and didn't see it again until 8:45 p.m. or later.  And when I got home, my brain didn't exactly feel like doing writing stuff...or much of anything else.  I didn't even exercise this week--though I probably sweat off a couple pounds just standing outside with VBS.

I had a very busy week.  I also had an amazingly good week.  It doesn't matter that the only writing I did was to jot down a few lines of poetry for a song I've been trying to write.  What matters is that I got to spend time with three of my favorite young ladies (The Princess, The Diva, and The Drama Queen) along with their cousin who was there all week.  We played games and made root beer floats and went to the pool and just spent time together.  And at the end of the week, just when I was wondering how these four girls had NOT gotten sick to death of me, they all bombarded me with HUGE hugs and "I love yous" that made every second of that wonderful time we'd spent together even more amazing.

I love my girls.  I'm very excited about the days I'm going to get to spend with them this summer.  But I also worked my Saturday at the drop-in center, where I had not worked all week, and I realized that I really like it there, too.  I know there's days when the kids drive me crazy, but I have to admit I love them, too.  Sometimes the ones that drive me the most crazy are the ones I end up liking the most.  And I love the people I work with.  They're some of the most encouraging young ladies I've ever met.  So work, while often stressful, is also a joy.  And I don't deserve to have this kind of joy, but God's given it to me anyway.

I don't have a lot compared to what a lot of people think is a lot.  I live from paycheck to paycheck most of the time.  Sometimes I have more than enough.  More often I have just enough to squeeze by.  Sometimes I find myself in dire need of that next paycheck so I can go buy a half gallon of milk, a jar of peanut butter, and a bag of carrots to make it through to the next week (I live on more than that, but those seem to be my staples lately).  I'm working a lot of weird hours at a lot of jobs.  I don't have a husband or kids.  I don't have a house with a swimming pool in the suburbs.  But I've always got enough.  I have a roof over my head every time I go to sleep at night.  I never have to go hungry.  I've got clothes to wear and books to read and even a borrowed computer to type on.  I've got a car.  I'm really quite blessed materially...even if I'm poor compared to a lot of other Americans. 

And I'm blessed in a lot of other ways, too.  I'm smart enough to get by.  I have talents.  I have TONS of amazing friends.  I've got a great family--even if they live far away--who always offers me love.  I have work to do.  I have dreams and passions and hopes. 

And I have Jesus. 

This week, I volunteered with VBS out in one of the local communities.  I don't feel that I was very important (and I wasn't--but then none of us really are--we just have worth in God).  I was just a craft leader (the leader with scissors!).  I tried to connect some of the lessons, but I'm not sure I did that great of a job of it.  But I'm a fairly good watcher/listener when I really set my mind to it, and I did a lot of observing of other volunteers and kids who came to VBS.  There was one boy who stood out to me.  Well, he stood out to everybody, because he was one of the most boisterous kids I've ever seen. 

I'm going to call him Jeremiah, but that's not his real name.  On the first night of VBS, he informed his Bible Study leader (Pastor Bryan) that he and his family didn't have a Bible.  On the second night of VBSME and even I could be His witness even in the uttermost parts of the earth.

And I found myself weeping (controlled weeping--I didn't want to cause a scene) at the end of VBS as Pastor Randy was telling all of this to us.  Why?  Was it because I rejoiced that through our small efforts God was doing something amazing?  Was it because through our small efforts, God was working in the lives of a small boy named Jeremiah and possibly his entire family?  Was it because through our small efforts, God was showing His almighty power? 

The answer is yes.  But there's more.  And I'm not sure I can even begin to type out what I really want to say.

See, it's grace that God gives us when He saves us.  It's grace that any of us are able to come to Him at all.  It's amazing grace that finds the lost and gives sight to the blind (and we sang that in church this morning, just reiterating everything that's been going on in my brain for the past several days).  Apart from God, we're nothing.  With God, we have all we could ever need.  So grace saves us.  Grace brings us from darkness to light, from death to life.  In God, we have hope for our own futures.

But God didn't stop there.  And I don't know why He chose to make the world in this way, nor do I know why He'd want any of us to begin with.  But grace is even more amazing because grace does more than just save us.  God does more than just save us.  God chooses us, desires us, calls us to be the conduits of His grace to other people.  When God saves us, He doesn't just leave us alone.  That would be too little for someone as great as our God. 

He wants His people to glorify Him.  He. Uses. Us.  And that can look like so many things.  It can look like someone giving away all they have to go be a missionary in Thailand.  It can look like someone going downtown with some sandwiches and Bibles to give to homeless people.  It can look like something as simple as someone volunteering to do crafts with VBS, because even if I didn't feel that important, I know God wanted me there--both for those kids and for myself.  Because I definitely got a blessing out of this week. 

The thing is, when God gives me a blessing, that doesn't mean I just get to sit around in my blessedness patting myself on the back.  God blesses His people so that they are able to share that blessing with others.  And I'm still learning what that looks like for me.  I have a feeling it doesn't look like just one thing for me, and it probably doesn't look like just one thing for anyone.

Because it's really easy to get into the trap of thinking that God's preparing me for something BIG in the future, and I look forward to that.  But the truth is that while God may or may not be preparing me for something BIG in the future, God's also doing a lot of little things in my life right here and now.  And if I keep looking too far ahead, I might miss what He's doing now.  And right now, there's a lot that I don't want to miss.  I don't want to miss a minute of this summer with my girls.  I don't want to miss a moment of crazy wonderfulness with my co-workers.  I don't want to miss any of the summer stuff going on at my church.  I don't want to miss anything God does in me or through me.  And I'm learning what that looks like.  And it's a crazy insane adventure that I'm not sure I'm brave enough to try...

The most important theme for me personally from this week of VBS was from a simple refrain from one of the kids' favorite songs.  The song was "the rap song" according to the kids, but it was really called "Why Don't You?"  And it had John 3:16 laid out in a cool little rap that will get stuck in kids' (and VBS leaders') heads forever--which is a very good thing.  But the refrain of the song is what I needed to hear.  "We trust Jesus because He loves us."  And then came the question, "Why don't you?" 

I keep coming back to the same thing.  If I believe God is good, loving, and able, then why don't I trust Him?  I have to keep repeating to myself that simple refrain, personalizing it slightly.  "I trust Jesus because He loves me."  And He does love me.  And He wants me.  And He calls me.  And He gives me grace.  So I should trust Him.  I'm learning.  This summer has already proven to be an adventure.  I trust it will continue to be so.  I'm looking forward to autumn, but also trying to truly live right here and now.  Because God is here and now.  And His love and grace are here and now.

Will there be time for writing?  Yes.  I do have to be diligent to do that.  But honestly, I don't have any guilt over not writing this week.  I did a lot of living.  I mean, I even held a python this week.  I think that earns me a Get Out of Writing Free card for the week, don't you? 

Peace

It's safe to say that 2011 has been an "off year" when it comes to writing.  I've not done much--definitely not all the things I had planned to do.  I know the year isn't quite over yet, but that halfway point of JUNE is mocking me, reminding me of how much of a writing failure I am.

Only, I don't feel like a failure at all.  I probably should.  I haven't really met many of my goals.  I haven't really even tried.  Yesterday (okay, and today too), I spent my free afternoon taking a nap and playing stupid computer games.  I think I might have a slight touch of apathy going on right now.  I hope it passes soon--like by next week, when I have lots of time off that can be used to work on query stuff.

Yeah, but I guess I should be more upset that this year hasn't gone exactly as I had planned back in the last few days of 2010.  The last two or three years of my life, I've noticed that my calendar is a week off from the actual calendar.  My New Year doesn't begin on New Year's Day.  It begins at Christmas.  Christmas is the day on which my entire year revolves. 

For the last few Christmases, my brain has focused on one idea that has to do with the Christmas story--with the story of God coming down to earth in the form of man in order to redeem mankind from death and sin.  Three years ago, I focused on the Star--connecting the stars that God showed Abraham back in Genesis 15 with the Star the Wisemen followed in Matthew 2.  I even wrote a song about it.  Two years ago, I focused on Joy. 

When this past Christmas came, I started thinking early about what idea would stand out.  One word kept standing out to me.  Peace. 

Linus in A Charlie Brown Christmas (my fave Christmas movie) read a passage from Luke 2--"...Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace, good will to men."  A song we sang for the choir Christmas program at church--Casting Crown's version of "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day" with the refrain "Peace on earth.  Peace on earth.  Peace on earth, good will to men." 

I wish I had taken Greek and Hebrew in college instead of going with Spanish (because I can't speak Spanish).  Then I'd be able to have better insight as to what that phrase "peace on earth, good will to men" actually means.  I've read several different translations, which all give the phrase a slightly different meaning.  "Peace on earth to men, on whom His favor rests."  "Peace on earth to those on whom His favor rests."  Does it mean that God offers peace and good will to ALL men?  Does it mean that God offers peace because His favor rests with men?  Does it mean that God offers peace ONLY to those on whom His favor rests?

I wrestled with this for a little while last December.  I came to the conclusion that while the translation and arguments surrounding it might be important at other times and in other circumstances, it didn't really matter to what I was trying to figure out.  The fact is, God did come to earth to offer peace to those who would accept Him.  He created us.  We rebelled against Him.  He came down with us to offer us reconciliation.  The angel came to bring good news.  And it was the best news ever.  I think that's why my whole year revolves around Christmas.  Easter is important too--it's also the best news ever that death couldn't keep Christ in that tomb.  I think the fact that Christ came and the fact that Christ lives are both the best news ever.

The thing is, this whole idea of peace didn't leave me after the Christmas season ended.  And I'm still trying to wrap my feeble human brain around the concept of peace. 

I'm an angry person.  If you haven't noticed this about me, it's not because it's not true.  It's just because you haven't seen it.  The ladies I work with at the drop-in center have seen it.  Lol.  I have a short fuse.  It's not as bad as it used to be, but it still exists.

But I can handle the short fuse a lot better than I can handle the grudges I hold, the bitterness I have let creep into my heart, the irrational senses of unfairness that I feel.  The Lord has been working in my heart since this past Christmas to root out a lot of the anger I didn't even realize I had.  Reminders of past pain and grievances have just popped up at seemingly random times, and I've had to deal with them and/or let them go.  And it's been a long, often difficult process.  And I know He's not done yet.  I'm grateful He loves me enough to work on me...

All of this is to say that sometimes the plans I make for my year, for my month, for my week, for my day--well, all of them can be thwarted quite easily.  I had plans for this to be a major writing year.  The Lord has had plans to work on my heart.  He's showing me that peace, although I can't understand it, is something worth pursuing.  He's showing me that as an imperfect person, I can't hold the imperfections of others against them.  He's showing me how to listen more than I speak.  He's bringing situations into my life that force me to be confrontational, yet He's showing me how to be gentle in the midst of those confrontations.  And I'm learning again that everything that comes into my life is filtered through grace.  God knows things are going to happen to me.  He knew I'd have a couple of financial issues this year (so far).  He knew I'd have to deal with work issues and situations in the lives of friends.  He knows everything that's coming, and He's allowing it--the good and the bad--because everything that comes my way is an opportunity to trust Him and show love to others.
And I have a feeling that peace is found somewhere in the midst of all of that. 

So no, this year hasn't gone exactly as planned.  I could definitely stand to work a little harder, so don't get me wrong.  I'm not using this as a cop-out.  But when it comes down to it, I'm not really that stressed out that things haven't gone as I planned.  God has His own plans.  And I'm hoping that when Christmas rolls around again, I'm closer to peace (and to Him) than I was before.