I Am NOT Strong

You sense it.  I sense it.  We all sense it.  It's that pressure from society that tells us we have to be strong.  It's that pressure from society that tells us we have to have it all together, that tells us we have to look our best, be our best, outperform everyone else, and just generally be awesome in every possible way. 

And if society isn't telling us to be strong, then we're telling ourselves that we have to be strong.  We believe we have to be the best parent, the best spouse, the best friend, the best worker, the best whatever, and there is absolutely no room for error. 

And if for some reason we can't be this perfectly strong person, we buckle down and give into depression, despair, and guilt.  We trick ourselves into believing we live in a world made up of people who have it all together, and if we can't have it all together, too, then we're failures.  We either stop trying and succumb to mediocrity--or worse, or we put on a bold face, try harder, and proclaim to the world that we are STRONG.

Sometimes these proclamations don't come in words.  Sometimes we proclaim our strength by putting on our best clothes and make up, trying to look the part that we're playing.  Sometimes we proclaim it by doing things to attract attention.  Sometimes we proclaim it by trying to make others look weaker than us.  Sometimes we proclaim it by attacking anything that threatens our facades of strength, or anything that even suggests that we're not like all those imaginary people who have it all together.

It's not fun being weak.  It means we can't save ourselves.  It means that we have to rely on others--when it often so much more pleasant to be the person upon which others rely.  It means we have to face the ugliness in the mirror as being our own.  It means that we are broken, and it means that we can't do a blasted thing to fix our own brokenness.

When we reach that place of brokenness, it's often easier to pretend it isn't there.  It's often easier to proclaim, however it is we proclaim it, that WE ARE NOT WEAK; WE ARE STRONG.  It's comforting to hear ourselves proclaim this, but after a while, our own voice sounds pretty unconvincing.  There's no truth to it. 

We aren't strong.  We are weak. 

Paul was a pretty awesome guy.  He spoke eloquently; he was a good leader.  He knew what he believed and knew how to speak and write about it.  He was a Law-abiding Jew, one who had studied the Law and upheld it, one who had been through much persecution and prevailed.  Yet, Paul knew that he was weak, and he did not run away from it.

"...there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (emphasis mine)


I think sometimes we'd like to rewrite what Paul said there.  I think we'd like to say, "...I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me, and immediately He did.  He said to me, "Because you belong to Me, I'm going to give you strength so you can be strong and never have to deal with weakness again."  Therefore, I will boast that I am STRONG, because power rests on me.  That is why, for my own sake, I delight in being strong.  For I. AM. STRONG."

Sounds great...but that's not what Paul said. 

I've been spared from a lot of hardship that other people have had to face, but I've suffered some rejection in my life.  I've been rejected, and that rejection has become part of my identity.  When I look in the mirror, part of what I see is named "Rejected."  It would be comfortable to deny this part of myself, but I won't deny it, and I don't believe Christ denies it. 

"Rejected" isn't the only name I have, nor is it the most important name I have.  The most important name I have is "Beloved Child of God."  When I look in the mirror, that identity overwhelms everything else that I see.  It's just that when God claimed me as His child, He didn't remove the rejection.  He doesn't deny what I've been through or the pain it has caused me.  He hasn't fixed that broken part of me and made it all shiny and new so that everyone who sees me sees something perfect and strong.

See, one of the things that I find the most confusing about God is that He doesn't love us in spite of our weakness.  He just loves us.  He loves us as we are.  He doesn't give us His strength and just banish all the pain of our past, present, and future.  He gives us His strength daily to live for Him within the contexts of our weaknesses.  I can be "Rejected" and "Beloved" all at the same time, just as Paul could be "Weak" and "Strong" at the same time. 

"Rejected" isn't my only name, my only weakness.  I'm far too easily discouraged.  I'm overly sensitive.  I have no tact.  I don't speak well--especially not in situations where I'm uncomfortable.  I have a short fuse.  I get emotional too easily.  I freak out when I don't know what's expected of me or if I don't know how to behave.  I have no gumption.  I use the word awesome too much.  I make poor decisions and let people walk all over me.  I AM WEAK.

God is using me--not in spite of all these things.  He's working through them, using me as I am, using even my weaknesses for His glory.  I have no gumption, and I'm easily discouraged, but I still believe that I'm going to get my writing published someday.  When I do, I won't be able to praise myself for my talent or myself for the process of getting published.  I'm weak, but I serve a God who uses the weak and foolish to shame the strong and wise (1 Corinthians 1:27).  That's my only hope, yet that is a great hope.

I believe that God can and does receive glory through all of the things that He's allowed me to walk through, both the good and the bad.  If I were perfect, if I'd never been hurt, if I was able to do everything right and never mess up, if I just had a holy dose of strength that never allowed me to be exposed to weakness or pain again, then I would think that I have no need for Christ's daily provision.  And I don't think Christ would be glorified in a pious people continually walking in perfect strength.  Rather, I think Christ is more glorified through a group of needy individuals who reach and strive daily for Him and His grace.

I'm not strong.  I am weak.  And I can boast about that, not because there's anything amazing about me--but because my God is amazing.  He redeems my weaknesses and gives me strength in the midst of them. 

I'd like to share a video by a guy named Jason Gray.  Jason Gray is a pretty cool guy, from what I've seen and heard.  He's got so much better guitar skills than I'll ever have, and he's got an amazing voice.  At least, he's got an amazing voice when he sings.  Jason Gray has a speech impediment.  He stutters uncontrollably while he's speaking, but the impediment does not affect his singing at all.  In a world that shuns weakness and embraces strength, it might be easier for Jason Gray to keep the talking to a minimum and just sing.  But he does speak about his stuttering--he stutters about his stuttering.  He proclaims his weakness, boasts in His weakness, knowing that God can use his example to encourage others and to give Himself glory.  And God is using Jason Gray, not because he is strong, but because he's a weak person who can only be strong in Christ. 

...and he has a really awesome purple plaid shirt.  I also have an awesome purple plaid shirt.  I think everyone should have an awesome plaid purple shirt...


So what are your weaknesses?  What are some ways that God has worked through your weaknesses to reveal His perfect power?

Sunday Update: Enough

Yesterday, I was an absolute moron.

Last week was a brutally long week.  Then Friday, I donated blood after working 2 jobs.  I gobbled up a pack of crackers and went grocery shopping afterwards.  I didn't get to bed until midnight, and I still needed to get some things done to prepare for my long Saturday filled with jogging and work and then rushing straight to a babysitting gig.

Then I had this brilliant moronic idea.  I figured I'd get up even earlier than usual to go jog.  I'm with a group (http://www.thesecondwind.net/) that usually meets up at on Sat. morning at 7:30 to talk and pray, and then we go run/waddlejog/walk.  Well, I figured I'd just go there at 6:30 and do my jogging, then I could meet with the people and go home to get some stuff done before work.  Except, I didn't get there at 6:30 because I was tired and didn't want to get out of bed.  But I forced myself to get up, scarfed down some trail mix, sloshed some water down my throat, and started jogging at 6:45.

I planned on doing 4 miles.  It was insanely humid.  I hadn't eaten or hydrated well.  I HAD GIVEN BLOOD THE NIGHT BEFORE.  After a valiant pathetic effort, I only managed to run about 2 3/4 miles before I almost puked my guts out and almost passed out.  Neither of these things happened because I finally had common sense enough to stop trying to run, and I dragged myself back to my car.

I met with my group, went home, and showered.  I did a few things that needed to be done.  I went to work.  Rush rush rush.  My body was SCREAMING at me to rest, but I didn't listen until it was almost too late.  I started feeling slightly nauseated as I turned the lights on at work.  I knew I wasn't sick (and in danger of infecting anyone).   I was just so exhausted my body was rebelling.  The nausea got a little worse as I unlocked the front door and turned on the OPEN sign.  Then I sat down at the computer, waiting for the first child to come to the drop-in center, and suddenly I was so overwhelmed by nausea that I thought I was going to toss my trail mix all over the keyboard. 

I picked up the trash can and lowered my head over it, just in case I was going to 1) hurl, 2) faint, 3) both at the same time.  All the while I was intently praying that no parents/kids would walk through the door until the nausea passed.

Thankfully, no kids came.  The nausea did pass in just a few minutes.  But the weirdest thing happened as I lowered my head over that trash can. 

The word "enough" is something I've been thinking about a lot lately.  Earlier this week, I somehow found time to finish reading Quitter by Jon Acuff (http://www.jonacuff.com/), and he wrote about how before you can be successful with your dreams, you have to define your "enough."  And I hadn't really sat down to define it, but I'd been thinking about it all week. 

So then, when I was sitting in an office chair praying for the sweet release of death that I wasn't so tired that I would have to scramble to find someone to cover my shift, contentedness snuck up on me.  Now, I wasn't happy, because honestly, happiness and being on the verge of puking aren't really things that typically go together.  But all of the sudden I just came to the realization that while I'm broke all the time and life isn't perfect and there are still things for which I hope and dream, the life I have RIGHT NOW is enough.  If I had to live the rest of my life with things being just as they are right now, I would be content.  The jobs I have, the friends I know, my family, my church, the kids I have the AMAZING opportunity to love--these things are so much more than I deserve, and they enrich my life so much beyond what I absolutely need. 

Though I was insanely tired, yesterday ended well with babysitting four fantastic kids who made me feel awesome (and chatting afterwards with their incredible parents who also made me feel awesome).

Today, I've had a little time to think this through.  I'm probably still going to be thinking it through, but here's where my thoughts are headed at the moment.

There's a reason I am content, and that reason is not so I can sit basking in my contentedness.  About a year ago, God brought me out of an insanely long season of Spiritual winter.  The spring and summer have gone by quickly, and I really do believe that I'm at the beginning of autumn.  Autumn means harvest.  The spring that followed that winter was an amazing time of growth.  I don't know if others have seen it, but I know that God has radically changed my heart over the past year.  If there was that much growth, I know the harvest is probably going to be something pretty big.

I've been anticipating some big changes to come in my life, and I sense the arrival of these changes even more clearly right now.  Some of the changes are starting to take form, and I'm a little bit afraid because I still don't know what to do with them.  In a very small way, I feel like Moses.  I need an Aaron.  I can't do this myself.  I need to ask for help, and that's not my forte.

Also, I am typically just not one who likes change, even if it's good change.  I feel like I finally got to the point where I'm not looking for anything else to fulfill me.  What I have is enough--more than enough.  Now that I've reached that point, I am afraid that through change, I'm going to lose something that has taken a long time to be gained. 

I'm reminded that when we are faithful in small things, God is faithful to give us charge over bigger things.  That requires more work and effort and responsibility.  I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to handle the tasks that God's given me to do.

But yesterday, in the midst of everything else He showed me, God reminded me of my weakness.  I was hovering over a trash can, completely at the mercy of my own exhausted body. 

'Cause see, I'm a moron.  In fact, I'm a weak moron.  But if God is giving me something to do, then He's going to work through me, and He has more than enough strength and wisdom.  One of my favorite passages of Scripture is 1 Corinthians 1:27: "...but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong...."

There's only One in whom I can boast.  He will provide for what I need when I need it, and I have to trust that.  I have to trust Him. 

I have a strong suspicion that will be enough.

SEW Sunday: Priorities...and Being Afraid

Gonna come right out and say that I'm calling it quits (for now) on my current writing project.  It was sick and dying from the beginning, and just gradually got sicker and sicker.  It tried fighting for life there at the end, but then it died to death.  And I just don't have time to try to pick up the pieces and try to salvage anything from it right now.

And I have stuff I REALLY should be doing in regards to preparing queries.  I have more than enough projects that require massive amounts of editing.  Writing new stuff just seems kind of silly at the moment.

After going out of town last weekend, I have had a killer time trying to get back on track.  I feel as though I really didn't even get a break, and I guess that's okay.  I've been trying to learn how to live life as it comes...because like it or not, it's not just going to pause for me to get my act together.  And lately I've been a lot more scatterbrained than usual.  I've been forgetting events and telling people I can do things when I've already told other people I can do other things at the same time.  Ugh.

My preschool job ends next week (for the summer), and while I'm going to miss "my" kids SOOOOO much, I'm actually looking forward to only having two jobs for a while.  Part of me wants to consider looking for just one full time job after this summer--but I'm not actually considering it yet.  I'm just considering considering it.  If that makes sense.  If it doesn't make sense, don't worry.  My life doesn't make too much sense at the moment...

I have got to learn to prioritize.  That's why the current writing project is getting nixed (for now--maybe for always.  Who knows?).  I've been saying, "Oh, I have to get this synopsis done.  I've got to send out queries."  I haven't done that.  I haven't done it--not because I don't HAVE the time, but because I haven't MADE the time to do it. 

My other priority right now?  Working on this cd idea I have.  I need to practice my guitar a lot more than I have been doing.  I need to buck up the courage to actually call and/or email the guy at my church about the possibilty of recording the cd.  I need to coordinate time with my roommate (who is an amazing violinist) to work on some violin harmonies for some of my songs.  I need to.  I need to.  I need to.

I need to make this cd happen.

It amazes me how God is showing me that it's the right time to do this.  I have wanted to put out a cd for such a long time.  I've never felt good/strong/courageous/talented/cool enough to do such a thing.  In the past few weeks, so many random people have told me that they love my voice.  So many people have encouraged me.  It's not even my voice that I want to get out there.  As Mitch McVicker (an uber talented Christian musician and super nice guy) has said, and I paraphrase, "The world doesn't need more Christian music or Christian musicians.  But the world needs truth, and I've been given this to do.  I'm just trying to be faithful with what I've been given." 

That's kind of how I'm thinking.  It's not that I have anything brilliant to say, but the fact is, I've said it anyway.  I've put words down to music.  But they're not doing a bit of good at the moment.  I'm tired of keeping all these songs and all these words hoarded up inside the four walls of my room.  While there's nothing new under the sun, I still think there's something worthwhile in sharing something that God's given me.  And if I donate a portion (or all) of the proceeds from the sales of this cd, then there's something worthwhile in that, too. 

Here's the problem.

I'm such a scared little kid.  I have given up on the idea that that's ever going to change.  For a while, I could pretend.  I could be braver.  I could be more confident.  I could be more lovable.  I could be more interesting or suave or beautiful or whatever.  ...only, it wouldn't be who I am.  And I learned a long time ago that if I try to be something I'm not, then sooner or later (usually sooner), whatever false foundation I built under myself is going to crumble.  God won't let me pretend, and for that, I'm VERY grateful.

The truth is, I'm weak.  I am scared to death.  I like safe things that I understand, like work and routine.  I don't like stepping out in faith and doing things when I don't know how to do them and when I don't know what's going to happen.  What am I really afraid of?  That people are going to look down on me.  That people are going to see me for what I am.  That my slip is going to show, and the whole facade of beauty and "put-togetherness" and strong, confident woman (HEAR ME ROAR) is going to crumble. 

But I'm already weak.  And I'm not more lovable.  I'm not more confident.  I'm not more "put together."  I know I keep repeating myself on this, but it's something that takes awhile to get through my head.  And I think other people need it, too.  So I'll keep repeating it:

The only hope for a weak fool like me is that God delights in using the weak and foolish to shame the strong and wise.  And I am not going to be more lovable or beautiful, but that's okay.  Because God's love is so much more powerful than my unlovableness.

I fear man instead of God.  God knows it, and that's one of the reasons He's really encouraging me to do step out and do this scary cd thing right now.  Quite honestly, I'm terrified, because it's a big deal to me to do something like this--just like the query letters terrify me.  But I'm getting to that remarkable point where I'm more terrified of disobeying God and missing out on what He has for me than of the things that terrify me.

...and the thing is, I'm still learning just how to be afraid...

Characters Welcome

I really like those USA television promos with the little "Characters Welcome" slogan. USA gets it. Good television shows don't do well because every single script is perfect. Even the best shows have bad episodes (except maybe Psych. Never saw a bad episode of Psych--but even that is because Shawn and Gus make me snortle). While good plots are very important, what really keeps people watching is the characters.

Plots are important, but I think characters are even more important. If you have a wonderful plot with amazing twists and turns, I'm probably not going to care too much about it unless you also have some amazing characters to experience that plot. I'm not going to relate to anything in the story unless I can relate to the characters. That relating can mean I understand where they're coming from and what they're dealing with because I've been there, or it can mean I want to know WHY they're acting the way they do in a certain situation, or it can mean I want to be more like them. However I relate to a character, I'm going to keep reading to figure out what's going to happen because I've made an emotional investment in the characters.

I'm looking back on some of my favorite fictional characters. At the top of the list is Meg Murray from "A Wrinkle in Time" and the other books in that series. I get her. In a lot of ways, I am her. I'm that awkward kid who gets frustrated with herself and others way too easily. I'm constantly struggling with the idea that I am not good enough, trying to balance it with the idea that I've been made in the image of God. Madeleine L'Engle struck gold when she found Meg. I know a lot of people who have said that they're just like her. If she can overcome the odds she had to face, then so can we. That's good writing.

Then there's my second favorite fictional character, Samwise Gamgee from LOTR. To me, this little hobbit is the embodiment of loyalty. He wouldn't leave Frodo. When he couldn't carry Frodo's burden, he carried him. I relate to Sam because I think I am a lot like him, but I want to be even more like him. I want to be that fiercely loyal friend. My emotional investment to him caused me to weep like a baby when I got to the end of the books and realized he would have to be separated from Frodo. It makes me a little teary eyed to think of it even now.

My third favorite fictional character is also someone I wish I could be more like. Lucy Pevensie from "The Chronicles of Narnia." I wish I could be as childlike as she is. Every time she has to leave Aslan, especially at the end of "Voyage of the Dawn Treader," I also get weepy.

Another of my favorite characters is Taran from "The Chronicles of Prydain." He's a boy and he's a little harder to understand than some of the other characters I love. I do understand him some. I do want to be like him in some ways (good characterization is usually pretty multifaceted). I also wonder what he's going to do next because I don't always understand why he acts the way he does. I want to see if he attains his dreams. I want to see if he gets the girl. I want to see what he learns through his journies.

It's the same sort of feeling I get when I read Harry Potter. I don't get why Harry acts the way he does. I don't know why he gets himself into certain predicaments, but it's interesting to see how he gets out of them. I want to see what happens to him. J. K. Rowling is very good at weaving elements through stories. Something that seems insignificant somewhere might be the very thing that ties everything else together. I like her writing, but it wouldn't be very good if she didn't also have all these amazing and interesting characters.

I've been thinking about my own characters. There's a few that are very much like me, and these have been the easiest for me to write. But right now I'm starting a new story and I think the main character is a lot like me, only I'm having a lot of trouble with her. I think the reason is because she's a lot like who I was when I was a teenager, only perhaps a little more down to earth (she has had more disappointment in life than I had ever had at that point in my life). She's closed. She doesn't let people in easily. I'm trying to write her, but she doesn't want to let me in enough to let me see how to write her. She has the potential to be someone amazing, and I want to show her that. Right now, though, she's uncomfortably awkward (I've finally become very comfortable with my awkwardness--read my socially awkward blog). She has one friend. She doesn't trust people. She's angry and bitter and extremely moody. She has a lot of good qualities, too, of course, but it's harder to see them because she doesn't like to show them.

I adore her, but she doesn't want to let me write her.

I know that sounds weird. I can't help the way I relate to my characters. Ever since a character named "Rain" entered my life and demanded that I write her the way she IS instead of the way I wanted her to be, I've been treating my characters with a lot more respect. If I expect them to live, then they're more likely to live.

But Rain didn't take over (and quite literally possess me for two weeks) immediately. I dreamt her up and thought she was someone quite weak and unimportant until one day she just spoke up and proclaimed her strength and vitality. Maybe it's the same thing with this other character. Maybe I need to give her some time.

I hope it doesn't take too long. I've got a plot (weak as it is at the moment), but without her and another character (who I am also having just a little bit of trouble with), the plot is pretty much useless. I want people to invest in her and my other characters. I want to make people care about what happens to her. At the moment, I don't think she WANTS other people to care. So that's where the conflict is. Sigh.

I think it's time to write letters to my characters again.