I have to keep this quick because I have to go to work in a few minutes. I typically do NOT work on Sundays, but there's a birthday par-tay at one of the places where I work, and no one else wanted to do it. Neither did I, really, but somebody had to. So, Miss Stefanie, if you're reading this, yes, you do owe me big time. And I love you. And you're awesome. And I had better get out of there by 4:15, or I'm coming to get you in your sleep.
1. I got to talk to friends this week. Actual friends. That was nice. In the world of multiple jobs and sometimes multiple personalities, it's nice to be able to find time to just grab a cup of coffee with a friend. While I haven't done anything official towards my new project/experiment thing, I was able to get some good encouragement and some good ideas from those conversations. I'm very grateful God gives us friends.
2. I signed up for a 10K (6.2 miles) which will take place on Nov. 5, which, in case you're keeping track of the passage of time, is just a little over a month from now. Most days, I'm able to comfortably run 3 miles. Sometimes I can do 4. I haven't attempted more than that, and lately, my running has been increasingly difficult. Last week I got sick on Saturday while trying to run. I also got sick on Tuesday, partly because it was humid as...um, something really humid. Thursday, however, I ran a really good 3 miles and would have run more if it wasn't already too dark for personal comfort. Then Friday, my left ankle (which I badly sprained like 7-8 years ago) started hurting like the dickens. Like the dickens, I tell you. I don't even know what that phrase really means, but my ankle hurt. So I'm hoping it's just being mean because it doesn't like the colder weather we've been having, because I really need my ankle to start being nice again. A nice ankle or two are kind of important to training for and running a 10K.
3) I broke a rule and checked out a library book. I"m not supposed to be reading right now--not for fun anyway. But see, I was at the library with the kids I watch, and the almost 13 yr old recommended this book, so I HAD to check it out. I haven't read it yet, so there's a possibility I might just take it back without getting caught up, but...yeah, I'll probably read it. And the two books that follow it in the series.
4) I need to start editing one of my books. I was supposed to start that this week. I did not. Feel free to poke me with sharp objects until I start doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
5) Please keep praying for me for wisdom, courage, and a good kick in the pants. And also that my ankle starts liking me again. And that I don't die on November 5.
Thanks!
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Settling VS. Contentedness
I don't have a glamorous job. In fact, I have three (or four, depending on how you look at it) rather unglamorous jobs. Today, I was covered in snot, drool, tears, pee, applesauce, and Greek yogurt. The Greek yogurt was my own doing, but the rest was the result of caring for multiple children at the same time. Actually, the reason I spilled my own yogurt on myself was because a kid distracted me by whining obnoxiously, but I'll let that one go.
I haven't been able to buy a new pair of running shoes because I can't afford them. Now, I do plan on going to Walmart tomorrow and getting a very cheap pair to use until I CAN afford to go get fitted for a nice (AKA expensive) pair, but I'd really like to be able to afford something as simple as a pair of nice running shoes so I don't mess up my knees/hips/feet too much. Other times it would be nice to not have to worry about the tires on my car or the dwindling food supply in my fridge. It would be nice to not worry about the little what ifs that come from living from paycheck to paycheck on a very tight budget.
Sometimes people feel the need to have discussions with me regarding what I do for a living, because they can't figure out why in the world I keep working such random hours with germy, whiny kids for such little pay and NO benefits. Sometimes, I ask myself the same question. I come up with a few good answers that sound like excuses, and they might even be excuses. Like..."I don't have experience in any fields other than childcare," or "In this economy, I really should just be grateful that I have work," or "I'm just doing this until I become a wildly famous published author." There's another answer I have for the question, "Why in the world do I keep working such random hours with germy, whiny kids for such little pay and NO benefits?" The answer I have is kind of surprising.
It's because I love it.
I did get tears and snot and slobber on my shirt and in my hair today. It was because a kid I just so happen to LOVE was crying, so I picked him up and cuddled him while he snotted all over me. Did I appreciate the snot? Of course not, but it didn't matter that much to me because I got snotted when I was caring for a kid I love. I was so grateful for that opportunity.
Does it stink that I often struggle to have enough to get by? Yes. But let me tell you--when I walked into work this morning and had FIVE kids attack me in a wonderful group hug, that was worth more to me than any income.
This all isn't to say that I probably shouldn't aim higher in all areas of my life--including my career (for lack of a better term). I sometimes just don't know the difference between settling for something and being content with what I have. I do think that there are a lot of people out there who set their expectations far too high. For instance, I could care less about the American Dream. The car I have has some flaws, but it's a nicer car than I ever imagined myself having. Sometimes I feel guilty about having a car so nice--even if at the moment it needs some repair work that I can't afford. The apartment I live in is ancient. Most of the people that visit it call it "quaint," and it is quaint. But I have a roof over my head--a fan to keep me cool in the summer and an electric blanket to keep me warm in the winter. Eventually it would be nice to have a nice house of my own so I wouldn't have to keep paying rent, but I could live quite happily in something very small. In fact, the smaller the house, the less I'd have to keep clean. Retirement fund? What's that? I plan on working until I'm dead or just completely unable to work (either mentally or physically). Health insurance? That would be VERY nice--but unless I have some kind of freak accident or appendicitis or something, I'm doing quite well without it. Someday I'll get it. I think that someday will come in a few short years--after I get my student loans paid off. I'm okay with waiting for that.
Maybe it's because I haven't experienced a lot of the stuff that a lot of Americans think they need, but I really don't have that much of a problem with the life I have. Sometimes it would be nice to not have to worry about finances, but God has taught me so much about trust through those struggles. Sometimes it would be nice not to want to rip my hair out because kids are driving me crazy, but God has blessed me with these wonderful kids...and I love them so much, (even despite the snot)! I kinda sorta think I've gotten to the point that even if I do become a wildly famous published author, I still would like to work with kids in some capacity.
Eventually I might get sick of the rat race. Eventually I might get sick of being covered in kid goo. Right now, I just can't seem to justify complaining about it. When I consider that the VAST majority of the world's population lives on LESS THAN $2.00 PER DAY, it kind of makes me feel grateful for the amazing things I DO have instead of worrying or getting upset over the things I don't have. Maybe sometimes the difference between settling for something and being content with what you have is a matter of perspective.
And you know, my current financial state gives me some small motivation to keep working towards that goal of becoming a published author. I'm pretty sure I DO need to set my expectations higher with that.
I haven't been able to buy a new pair of running shoes because I can't afford them. Now, I do plan on going to Walmart tomorrow and getting a very cheap pair to use until I CAN afford to go get fitted for a nice (AKA expensive) pair, but I'd really like to be able to afford something as simple as a pair of nice running shoes so I don't mess up my knees/hips/feet too much. Other times it would be nice to not have to worry about the tires on my car or the dwindling food supply in my fridge. It would be nice to not worry about the little what ifs that come from living from paycheck to paycheck on a very tight budget.
Sometimes people feel the need to have discussions with me regarding what I do for a living, because they can't figure out why in the world I keep working such random hours with germy, whiny kids for such little pay and NO benefits. Sometimes, I ask myself the same question. I come up with a few good answers that sound like excuses, and they might even be excuses. Like..."I don't have experience in any fields other than childcare," or "In this economy, I really should just be grateful that I have work," or "I'm just doing this until I become a wildly famous published author." There's another answer I have for the question, "Why in the world do I keep working such random hours with germy, whiny kids for such little pay and NO benefits?" The answer I have is kind of surprising.
It's because I love it.
I did get tears and snot and slobber on my shirt and in my hair today. It was because a kid I just so happen to LOVE was crying, so I picked him up and cuddled him while he snotted all over me. Did I appreciate the snot? Of course not, but it didn't matter that much to me because I got snotted when I was caring for a kid I love. I was so grateful for that opportunity.
Does it stink that I often struggle to have enough to get by? Yes. But let me tell you--when I walked into work this morning and had FIVE kids attack me in a wonderful group hug, that was worth more to me than any income.
This all isn't to say that I probably shouldn't aim higher in all areas of my life--including my career (for lack of a better term). I sometimes just don't know the difference between settling for something and being content with what I have. I do think that there are a lot of people out there who set their expectations far too high. For instance, I could care less about the American Dream. The car I have has some flaws, but it's a nicer car than I ever imagined myself having. Sometimes I feel guilty about having a car so nice--even if at the moment it needs some repair work that I can't afford. The apartment I live in is ancient. Most of the people that visit it call it "quaint," and it is quaint. But I have a roof over my head--a fan to keep me cool in the summer and an electric blanket to keep me warm in the winter. Eventually it would be nice to have a nice house of my own so I wouldn't have to keep paying rent, but I could live quite happily in something very small. In fact, the smaller the house, the less I'd have to keep clean. Retirement fund? What's that? I plan on working until I'm dead or just completely unable to work (either mentally or physically). Health insurance? That would be VERY nice--but unless I have some kind of freak accident or appendicitis or something, I'm doing quite well without it. Someday I'll get it. I think that someday will come in a few short years--after I get my student loans paid off. I'm okay with waiting for that.
Maybe it's because I haven't experienced a lot of the stuff that a lot of Americans think they need, but I really don't have that much of a problem with the life I have. Sometimes it would be nice to not have to worry about finances, but God has taught me so much about trust through those struggles. Sometimes it would be nice not to want to rip my hair out because kids are driving me crazy, but God has blessed me with these wonderful kids...and I love them so much, (even despite the snot)! I kinda sorta think I've gotten to the point that even if I do become a wildly famous published author, I still would like to work with kids in some capacity.
Eventually I might get sick of the rat race. Eventually I might get sick of being covered in kid goo. Right now, I just can't seem to justify complaining about it. When I consider that the VAST majority of the world's population lives on LESS THAN $2.00 PER DAY, it kind of makes me feel grateful for the amazing things I DO have instead of worrying or getting upset over the things I don't have. Maybe sometimes the difference between settling for something and being content with what you have is a matter of perspective.
And you know, my current financial state gives me some small motivation to keep working towards that goal of becoming a published author. I'm pretty sure I DO need to set my expectations higher with that.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
SEW Sunday: Still Learning
(SEW Sunday is when I rant about discuss what's going on with the queries I'm supposed to be SENDING, the manuscripts I'm supposed to be EDITING, and the stuff I'm currently WRITING...but it's usually just where I talk about what I should be doing and am not doing)
I was talking with a good friend last night about how I kind of dread SEW Sunday blogs. Why? Because most weeks I don't do anything worth speaking of, so by the time Sunday rolls around, I have nothing to actually report. This week is no exception.
My completed and polished manuscript is in the hands of one of my fellow writer friends. I'm still working on some songs and working up the courage to go record them. I did read over a rough manuscript I wrote over a year ago--it doesn't need much editing--but it's a companion to another book that needs a LOT of editing before I can even think about trying to sell it. So yeah. In other words, I haven't been doing much.
And one of the things my friend and I talked about last night was that feeling that we should be doing more--more BIG things...more more more. I understand what she was talking about, but I'm not sure it all relates the same way to my life. Balance is incredibly hard for me. I've always struggled with it.
Right now, the big struggle in my life is figuring out how much of following God is grace/faith/trust and how much is action. I am writing because it's something God's given me to do--I have a HUGE passion for it that pretty much consumes my sanity and everything else. I can't not write. And I want my writing to be something that honors God. So when I'm not writing as much as I think I should be writing, it's easy to get myself into this guilt trap. I start basing everything on how much work I'm doing for God.
That's not the right attitude to have. I'm not doing anything for God. God doesn't need me. The world needs another novel like I need another crazy Dragon-Muse. But God wants me to write, and there's value in that because HE'S doing something. My frequent attitude is: "What am I doing for God?" My attitude should be something more like: "What is God doing through me?"
I keep going around in circles and keep coming back to the same conclusion that I'm just a weak fool whom God has chosen to shame the strong and the wise. And His timing isn't my timing. Could I be doing more? Absolutely. I should be doing more. But I should be doing more because God's working in me, not because I'm vainly trying to work for God.
I put the cart before the horse and end up not getting anywhere.
So I'm still learning to balance. It's a work in progress, and I'm a work in progress. One thing I'm also learning is that the more work you put into something, the better it becomes. So while I'm waiting and hopefully working (for the right reasons) on what God has given me to do, making it better...
...well, God's doing the same thing in me. Oh, this process of perfection...so wonderful, so mysterious.
But yeah. I hope I actually have something worth reporting next week.
I was talking with a good friend last night about how I kind of dread SEW Sunday blogs. Why? Because most weeks I don't do anything worth speaking of, so by the time Sunday rolls around, I have nothing to actually report. This week is no exception.
My completed and polished manuscript is in the hands of one of my fellow writer friends. I'm still working on some songs and working up the courage to go record them. I did read over a rough manuscript I wrote over a year ago--it doesn't need much editing--but it's a companion to another book that needs a LOT of editing before I can even think about trying to sell it. So yeah. In other words, I haven't been doing much.
And one of the things my friend and I talked about last night was that feeling that we should be doing more--more BIG things...more more more. I understand what she was talking about, but I'm not sure it all relates the same way to my life. Balance is incredibly hard for me. I've always struggled with it.
Right now, the big struggle in my life is figuring out how much of following God is grace/faith/trust and how much is action. I am writing because it's something God's given me to do--I have a HUGE passion for it that pretty much consumes my sanity and everything else. I can't not write. And I want my writing to be something that honors God. So when I'm not writing as much as I think I should be writing, it's easy to get myself into this guilt trap. I start basing everything on how much work I'm doing for God.
That's not the right attitude to have. I'm not doing anything for God. God doesn't need me. The world needs another novel like I need another crazy Dragon-Muse. But God wants me to write, and there's value in that because HE'S doing something. My frequent attitude is: "What am I doing for God?" My attitude should be something more like: "What is God doing through me?"
I keep going around in circles and keep coming back to the same conclusion that I'm just a weak fool whom God has chosen to shame the strong and the wise. And His timing isn't my timing. Could I be doing more? Absolutely. I should be doing more. But I should be doing more because God's working in me, not because I'm vainly trying to work for God.
I put the cart before the horse and end up not getting anywhere.
So I'm still learning to balance. It's a work in progress, and I'm a work in progress. One thing I'm also learning is that the more work you put into something, the better it becomes. So while I'm waiting and hopefully working (for the right reasons) on what God has given me to do, making it better...
...well, God's doing the same thing in me. Oh, this process of perfection...so wonderful, so mysterious.
But yeah. I hope I actually have something worth reporting next week.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Summer
Ever since my preschool teacher gig ended the last week of May, I've had a lot of extra time off. Even with two (actually, due to some boring stuff I don't want to go into, it's now officially THREE) other jobs apart from the preschool thing, I can't seem to get enough hours to fully occupy my time. And I know that when schools get out around here, I'm going to have to devote full days instead of full afternoons to my nanny job--but in the meantime, I have a lot more time to do absolutely nothing.
Now, if this time had been handed to me back in January or February, I know exactly what I would do with it. I'd work on writing stuff until my fingers fell off. Since I kind of like my fingers attached to my hands, I guess it's a good thing that I didn't have a lot of free time then.
The thing is, there's something about the summer that makes me feel...well, I can't think of a word for it. Lazy was the first word that came to my mind, but that's not what I'm looking for. I mean, I can be lazy (yesterday was an example of how I can unforgivably waste a lot of time playing computer games when I'm supposed to be working on writing--and I hope never to repeat it--but something tells me I will). But I think a better term to describe how summer makes me feel is...relaxed.
I blame it on the fact that I spent my entire childhood going to school for every season besides summer. When summer came, no more work. I got to sleep in late and watch tv and read books and play outside and go swimming and go on vacation and just do nothing until August. And my parents are teachers, so they had summer off, too. I had no concept of people actually having to WORK in the summer. And I guess even now part of that mentality is still present.
Sometimes I get really worked up and think I have to do a lot of stuff--and work is important. The things I do with the time I've been given are vitally important. But sometimes I start thinking that if I'm not doing this one certain thing (like writing, going to work, etc.), then I'm wasting my time. And summer is a nice reminder that it's okay to relax. It's a reminder I need annually.
Last summer I decided that I was going to try to experience every season instead of just getting through them. With summer, that meant I was going to spend more time doing relaxing things that were still important. I went on daycations to see friends that live a few hours away. I sat out on my front porch with a glass of iced tea--just to listen to the sounds of the crickets. I put on my spf 100 and went to the pool. I made low calorie root beer floats. In the fall, I made a point of actually going to the state fair (since it's so close and I'd NEVER been before--what was I thinking?). I carved a pumpkin. I made a full Thanksgiving dinner (complete with a 13 lb. turkey) just for myself (even though one other person did show up at the last minute). Winter was harder because I'm one of those notorious WINTER HATERS, but even then I tried. I mean, Christmas is easy. It's my favorite season, my favorite day, my favorite favorite favorite. But after Christmas, then comes that two and a half month period where I hate everything...except for hot chocolate (which I couldn't have because I'm dieting, but oh well). But I did a lot of knitting (because that's a winter activity, yo). I got a new coat which helped things a lot--it's always better to brave the cold when looking adorable and fashionable...and because of all the knitting, I also had a lot of cute scarves to wear. Mainly, I kept telling myself that spring would be all the sweeter after I finally got through winter. Then spring came and my heart rejoiced! Life! Flowers! Butterflies! Warmer (but not too warm) weather! Allergies...well, okay, so spring isn't perfect either, but that's what Claritin is for.
So it's summer again (or so the temperatures outside tell me, even if the calendar still says it's spring). And I'm learning (once again) that it's okay to relax. I've had a lot of time off. Some of it I've wasted. Some of it I've spent LIVING. Even if I'm not working or writing, I can still do something important--like go have lunch with a friend I haven't seen in a while or having a picnic just because I can.
I really think that one of the reasons God invented summer is to remind us to slow down and take time to relax. I get in such a hurry sometimes to do do do, get done get done get done, be somewhere be somewhere be somewhere that I forget it's important to take time to breathe. God did give us work, but He also gave us rest. And sometimes rest means doing something different from the treadmill/hamster wheel routine. Sometimes it just means taking the time to appreciate life.
So whatever else happens this summer, I plan on really living.
Now, if this time had been handed to me back in January or February, I know exactly what I would do with it. I'd work on writing stuff until my fingers fell off. Since I kind of like my fingers attached to my hands, I guess it's a good thing that I didn't have a lot of free time then.
The thing is, there's something about the summer that makes me feel...well, I can't think of a word for it. Lazy was the first word that came to my mind, but that's not what I'm looking for. I mean, I can be lazy (yesterday was an example of how I can unforgivably waste a lot of time playing computer games when I'm supposed to be working on writing--and I hope never to repeat it--but something tells me I will). But I think a better term to describe how summer makes me feel is...relaxed.
I blame it on the fact that I spent my entire childhood going to school for every season besides summer. When summer came, no more work. I got to sleep in late and watch tv and read books and play outside and go swimming and go on vacation and just do nothing until August. And my parents are teachers, so they had summer off, too. I had no concept of people actually having to WORK in the summer. And I guess even now part of that mentality is still present.
Sometimes I get really worked up and think I have to do a lot of stuff--and work is important. The things I do with the time I've been given are vitally important. But sometimes I start thinking that if I'm not doing this one certain thing (like writing, going to work, etc.), then I'm wasting my time. And summer is a nice reminder that it's okay to relax. It's a reminder I need annually.
Last summer I decided that I was going to try to experience every season instead of just getting through them. With summer, that meant I was going to spend more time doing relaxing things that were still important. I went on daycations to see friends that live a few hours away. I sat out on my front porch with a glass of iced tea--just to listen to the sounds of the crickets. I put on my spf 100 and went to the pool. I made low calorie root beer floats. In the fall, I made a point of actually going to the state fair (since it's so close and I'd NEVER been before--what was I thinking?). I carved a pumpkin. I made a full Thanksgiving dinner (complete with a 13 lb. turkey) just for myself (even though one other person did show up at the last minute). Winter was harder because I'm one of those notorious WINTER HATERS, but even then I tried. I mean, Christmas is easy. It's my favorite season, my favorite day, my favorite favorite favorite. But after Christmas, then comes that two and a half month period where I hate everything...except for hot chocolate (which I couldn't have because I'm dieting, but oh well). But I did a lot of knitting (because that's a winter activity, yo). I got a new coat which helped things a lot--it's always better to brave the cold when looking adorable and fashionable...and because of all the knitting, I also had a lot of cute scarves to wear. Mainly, I kept telling myself that spring would be all the sweeter after I finally got through winter. Then spring came and my heart rejoiced! Life! Flowers! Butterflies! Warmer (but not too warm) weather! Allergies...well, okay, so spring isn't perfect either, but that's what Claritin is for.
So it's summer again (or so the temperatures outside tell me, even if the calendar still says it's spring). And I'm learning (once again) that it's okay to relax. I've had a lot of time off. Some of it I've wasted. Some of it I've spent LIVING. Even if I'm not working or writing, I can still do something important--like go have lunch with a friend I haven't seen in a while or having a picnic just because I can.
I really think that one of the reasons God invented summer is to remind us to slow down and take time to relax. I get in such a hurry sometimes to do do do, get done get done get done, be somewhere be somewhere be somewhere that I forget it's important to take time to breathe. God did give us work, but He also gave us rest. And sometimes rest means doing something different from the treadmill/hamster wheel routine. Sometimes it just means taking the time to appreciate life.
So whatever else happens this summer, I plan on really living.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
SEW Sunday: Priorities...and Being Afraid
Gonna come right out and say that I'm calling it quits (for now) on my current writing project. It was sick and dying from the beginning, and just gradually got sicker and sicker. It tried fighting for life there at the end, but then it died to death. And I just don't have time to try to pick up the pieces and try to salvage anything from it right now.
And I have stuff I REALLY should be doing in regards to preparing queries. I have more than enough projects that require massive amounts of editing. Writing new stuff just seems kind of silly at the moment.
After going out of town last weekend, I have had a killer time trying to get back on track. I feel as though I really didn't even get a break, and I guess that's okay. I've been trying to learn how to live life as it comes...because like it or not, it's not just going to pause for me to get my act together. And lately I've been a lot more scatterbrained than usual. I've been forgetting events and telling people I can do things when I've already told other people I can do other things at the same time. Ugh.
My preschool job ends next week (for the summer), and while I'm going to miss "my" kids SOOOOO much, I'm actually looking forward to only having two jobs for a while. Part of me wants to consider looking for just one full time job after this summer--but I'm not actually considering it yet. I'm just considering considering it. If that makes sense. If it doesn't make sense, don't worry. My life doesn't make too much sense at the moment...
I have got to learn to prioritize. That's why the current writing project is getting nixed (for now--maybe for always. Who knows?). I've been saying, "Oh, I have to get this synopsis done. I've got to send out queries." I haven't done that. I haven't done it--not because I don't HAVE the time, but because I haven't MADE the time to do it.
My other priority right now? Working on this cd idea I have. I need to practice my guitar a lot more than I have been doing. I need to buck up the courage to actually call and/or email the guy at my church about the possibilty of recording the cd. I need to coordinate time with my roommate (who is an amazing violinist) to work on some violin harmonies for some of my songs. I need to. I need to. I need to.
I need to make this cd happen.
It amazes me how God is showing me that it's the right time to do this. I have wanted to put out a cd for such a long time. I've never felt good/strong/courageous/talented/cool enough to do such a thing. In the past few weeks, so many random people have told me that they love my voice. So many people have encouraged me. It's not even my voice that I want to get out there. As Mitch McVicker (an uber talented Christian musician and super nice guy) has said, and I paraphrase, "The world doesn't need more Christian music or Christian musicians. But the world needs truth, and I've been given this to do. I'm just trying to be faithful with what I've been given."
That's kind of how I'm thinking. It's not that I have anything brilliant to say, but the fact is, I've said it anyway. I've put words down to music. But they're not doing a bit of good at the moment. I'm tired of keeping all these songs and all these words hoarded up inside the four walls of my room. While there's nothing new under the sun, I still think there's something worthwhile in sharing something that God's given me. And if I donate a portion (or all) of the proceeds from the sales of this cd, then there's something worthwhile in that, too.
Here's the problem.
I'm such a scared little kid. I have given up on the idea that that's ever going to change. For a while, I could pretend. I could be braver. I could be more confident. I could be more lovable. I could be more interesting or suave or beautiful or whatever. ...only, it wouldn't be who I am. And I learned a long time ago that if I try to be something I'm not, then sooner or later (usually sooner), whatever false foundation I built under myself is going to crumble. God won't let me pretend, and for that, I'm VERY grateful.
The truth is, I'm weak. I am scared to death. I like safe things that I understand, like work and routine. I don't like stepping out in faith and doing things when I don't know how to do them and when I don't know what's going to happen. What am I really afraid of? That people are going to look down on me. That people are going to see me for what I am. That my slip is going to show, and the whole facade of beauty and "put-togetherness" and strong, confident woman (HEAR ME ROAR) is going to crumble.
But I'm already weak. And I'm not more lovable. I'm not more confident. I'm not more "put together." I know I keep repeating myself on this, but it's something that takes awhile to get through my head. And I think other people need it, too. So I'll keep repeating it:
The only hope for a weak fool like me is that God delights in using the weak and foolish to shame the strong and wise. And I am not going to be more lovable or beautiful, but that's okay. Because God's love is so much more powerful than my unlovableness.
I fear man instead of God. God knows it, and that's one of the reasons He's really encouraging me to do step out and do this scary cd thing right now. Quite honestly, I'm terrified, because it's a big deal to me to do something like this--just like the query letters terrify me. But I'm getting to that remarkable point where I'm more terrified of disobeying God and missing out on what He has for me than of the things that terrify me.
...and the thing is, I'm still learning just how to be afraid...
And I have stuff I REALLY should be doing in regards to preparing queries. I have more than enough projects that require massive amounts of editing. Writing new stuff just seems kind of silly at the moment.
After going out of town last weekend, I have had a killer time trying to get back on track. I feel as though I really didn't even get a break, and I guess that's okay. I've been trying to learn how to live life as it comes...because like it or not, it's not just going to pause for me to get my act together. And lately I've been a lot more scatterbrained than usual. I've been forgetting events and telling people I can do things when I've already told other people I can do other things at the same time. Ugh.
My preschool job ends next week (for the summer), and while I'm going to miss "my" kids SOOOOO much, I'm actually looking forward to only having two jobs for a while. Part of me wants to consider looking for just one full time job after this summer--but I'm not actually considering it yet. I'm just considering considering it. If that makes sense. If it doesn't make sense, don't worry. My life doesn't make too much sense at the moment...
I have got to learn to prioritize. That's why the current writing project is getting nixed (for now--maybe for always. Who knows?). I've been saying, "Oh, I have to get this synopsis done. I've got to send out queries." I haven't done that. I haven't done it--not because I don't HAVE the time, but because I haven't MADE the time to do it.
My other priority right now? Working on this cd idea I have. I need to practice my guitar a lot more than I have been doing. I need to buck up the courage to actually call and/or email the guy at my church about the possibilty of recording the cd. I need to coordinate time with my roommate (who is an amazing violinist) to work on some violin harmonies for some of my songs. I need to. I need to. I need to.
I need to make this cd happen.
It amazes me how God is showing me that it's the right time to do this. I have wanted to put out a cd for such a long time. I've never felt good/strong/courageous/talented/cool enough to do such a thing. In the past few weeks, so many random people have told me that they love my voice. So many people have encouraged me. It's not even my voice that I want to get out there. As Mitch McVicker (an uber talented Christian musician and super nice guy) has said, and I paraphrase, "The world doesn't need more Christian music or Christian musicians. But the world needs truth, and I've been given this to do. I'm just trying to be faithful with what I've been given."
That's kind of how I'm thinking. It's not that I have anything brilliant to say, but the fact is, I've said it anyway. I've put words down to music. But they're not doing a bit of good at the moment. I'm tired of keeping all these songs and all these words hoarded up inside the four walls of my room. While there's nothing new under the sun, I still think there's something worthwhile in sharing something that God's given me. And if I donate a portion (or all) of the proceeds from the sales of this cd, then there's something worthwhile in that, too.
Here's the problem.
I'm such a scared little kid. I have given up on the idea that that's ever going to change. For a while, I could pretend. I could be braver. I could be more confident. I could be more lovable. I could be more interesting or suave or beautiful or whatever. ...only, it wouldn't be who I am. And I learned a long time ago that if I try to be something I'm not, then sooner or later (usually sooner), whatever false foundation I built under myself is going to crumble. God won't let me pretend, and for that, I'm VERY grateful.
The truth is, I'm weak. I am scared to death. I like safe things that I understand, like work and routine. I don't like stepping out in faith and doing things when I don't know how to do them and when I don't know what's going to happen. What am I really afraid of? That people are going to look down on me. That people are going to see me for what I am. That my slip is going to show, and the whole facade of beauty and "put-togetherness" and strong, confident woman (HEAR ME ROAR) is going to crumble.
But I'm already weak. And I'm not more lovable. I'm not more confident. I'm not more "put together." I know I keep repeating myself on this, but it's something that takes awhile to get through my head. And I think other people need it, too. So I'll keep repeating it:
The only hope for a weak fool like me is that God delights in using the weak and foolish to shame the strong and wise. And I am not going to be more lovable or beautiful, but that's okay. Because God's love is so much more powerful than my unlovableness.
I fear man instead of God. God knows it, and that's one of the reasons He's really encouraging me to do step out and do this scary cd thing right now. Quite honestly, I'm terrified, because it's a big deal to me to do something like this--just like the query letters terrify me. But I'm getting to that remarkable point where I'm more terrified of disobeying God and missing out on what He has for me than of the things that terrify me.
...and the thing is, I'm still learning just how to be afraid...
Sunday, May 8, 2011
SEW Sunday: Profit
In my Bible reading, I've been going through Proverbs for the past few days. I read Proverbs 14 last night. Honestly, some of the Proverbs seem pointless, like Proverbs 14:5 "A trustworthy witness will not lie, but a false witness utters lies." Um...not to be rude, Solomon...but doesn't that kind of, um...go without saying?
Then there are Proverbs that really make me think, like Proverbs 14:23 "In all labor there is profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty."
I have worked A LOT this week. Every day, Monday through Saturday, I worked at LEAST two jobs. I've worked more than 50 hours, not counting the time it took me to drive from one job to the other. I've also had to take my car to two different places and spent a LOT of money trying to get it fixed up--and it's still not all done.
Sometimes I just really feel like I'm working ALL the time, and just when I start to get ahead (or even just caught up with things) financially, I have to put money into something else. The other day I was sitting in the tire shop while they put two new tires on my car that will probably wear out within a year because I'm too broke to afford the repair my car needs to ensure my wheels are in proper alignment. And I was texting my mom. I texted her something like, "I'm always working. I'm always broke. I NEED TO SELL MY NOVEL."
And I'm smart enough to know that's probably not going to solve all my problems...because writers, even published ones, are often pretty broke. If I sold my book, I probably couldn't quit any of my day jobs...but then I do keep hoping I strike gold like J. K. Rowling...if only.
But that's not the main issue here.
I have been doing a lot of talking. There are definitely a lot of things I still need to do before sending any queries. Have I done them? No. I've just talked about doing them.
Now, I've got a butt load of excuses, and I think them reasonable. After the week I just had, I know there is no way I could have squeezed in any writing activities. In fact I haven't written down a single word of a story since LAST Sunday afternoon. I'm a writer who hasn't written anything on a project in a week. I have simply not had the time. And that sucks, but that's the way it goes some weeks.
This upcoming week doesn't look too promising, either. I'm working two jobs Monday, two jobs Tuesday, two jobs Wednesday, and on Thursday I'm definitely working one job and I'm on call for another. If I don't get called in to that other job, I'm going to leave town on Thursday to go visit family in KY (if I end up working Thursday night, I plan to leave Friday morning). And I'll be gone all weekend. My bro is graduating college. My dad and oldest niece both have birthdays. There's a possibility I'll have to work on a song to sing at my parent's church. Do you think I'm going to have time for writing? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
No.
So basically, my current project is on a standstill until I have time to do something with it. I don't have time to work on stuff for queries. Editing is out of the question. Reading for fun/inspiration is the furthest thing from my mind.
And it's easy to get discouraged in the midst of a busy schedule. It's easy to say, "Well, I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing as a writer, so I'm a failure." And I do have to say that I'm convicted by Proverbs 14:23. I do a lot of talking about my writing, but how much am I doing with my writing?
But that verse doesn't say "...in only the HARDEST work there is profit." It says, "In ALL work there is profit." I'm doing what I can do with my writing at the moment, and trusting there will be more time for it later. The question then is, "What WILL I do with it when I have the time?" Will I do the work I need to do, or will I just continue to talk about it?
In the meantime, I'm not doing a lot of writing. I'm doing a lot of working with kids. I gotta say, sometimes, I'd rather be writing. Right now, though, I have to trust that the work I am doing is going to lead to some kind of profit...hopefully monetary, so I can keep paying my bills, but it's more than that.
The Lord has been teaching me a lot lately about different things. He's teaching me how to praise Him in every circumstance, and how WE NEED to praise Him. God desires our praise, but He also wants us to praise Him because we need to praise Him. That's what we were designed to do--and I've noticed that when I'm praising Him, I just function better in general. And so this stressful week has been really unexpectedly good. I've worked my butt off (not quite literally, though I may have lost a little weight in that general area) this week. I've had emotional ups and downs. I've gotten some really nice paychecks that had to be put right back into expenses for my car. I've taken opportunities to offer help to others, and I've had to be humble and ask for help for myself. I've seen friends I haven't seen in months and even years. I've talked a lot about what God has done and about what He is doing and what He will do. I've failed. I've succeeded. I've ran and breathed and rested and hoped and prayed and dreamed and rejoiced and cried and worked and sang and LIVED.
And I've realized again how much I really love my crazy, wild, wonderful life.
After all I've done against God, I don't deserve for the Lord to love me enough to test me and shape me. But He does. And He will continue to do so. And I know in His timing that my life and my writing are going to become what He wants them to be. I just have to wait for it and keep working and praying and resting in Him. Talking is fine, but all work leads to profit...and I believe that to be both monetary and Spiritual profit.
So I pray I work and worship and live this life He's given me. If I'm doing the things I know I'm supposed to be doing, I don't believe He's going to lead me astray.
Then there are Proverbs that really make me think, like Proverbs 14:23 "In all labor there is profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty."
I have worked A LOT this week. Every day, Monday through Saturday, I worked at LEAST two jobs. I've worked more than 50 hours, not counting the time it took me to drive from one job to the other. I've also had to take my car to two different places and spent a LOT of money trying to get it fixed up--and it's still not all done.
Sometimes I just really feel like I'm working ALL the time, and just when I start to get ahead (or even just caught up with things) financially, I have to put money into something else. The other day I was sitting in the tire shop while they put two new tires on my car that will probably wear out within a year because I'm too broke to afford the repair my car needs to ensure my wheels are in proper alignment. And I was texting my mom. I texted her something like, "I'm always working. I'm always broke. I NEED TO SELL MY NOVEL."
And I'm smart enough to know that's probably not going to solve all my problems...because writers, even published ones, are often pretty broke. If I sold my book, I probably couldn't quit any of my day jobs...but then I do keep hoping I strike gold like J. K. Rowling...if only.
But that's not the main issue here.
I have been doing a lot of talking. There are definitely a lot of things I still need to do before sending any queries. Have I done them? No. I've just talked about doing them.
Now, I've got a butt load of excuses, and I think them reasonable. After the week I just had, I know there is no way I could have squeezed in any writing activities. In fact I haven't written down a single word of a story since LAST Sunday afternoon. I'm a writer who hasn't written anything on a project in a week. I have simply not had the time. And that sucks, but that's the way it goes some weeks.
This upcoming week doesn't look too promising, either. I'm working two jobs Monday, two jobs Tuesday, two jobs Wednesday, and on Thursday I'm definitely working one job and I'm on call for another. If I don't get called in to that other job, I'm going to leave town on Thursday to go visit family in KY (if I end up working Thursday night, I plan to leave Friday morning). And I'll be gone all weekend. My bro is graduating college. My dad and oldest niece both have birthdays. There's a possibility I'll have to work on a song to sing at my parent's church. Do you think I'm going to have time for writing? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
No.
So basically, my current project is on a standstill until I have time to do something with it. I don't have time to work on stuff for queries. Editing is out of the question. Reading for fun/inspiration is the furthest thing from my mind.
And it's easy to get discouraged in the midst of a busy schedule. It's easy to say, "Well, I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing as a writer, so I'm a failure." And I do have to say that I'm convicted by Proverbs 14:23. I do a lot of talking about my writing, but how much am I doing with my writing?
But that verse doesn't say "...in only the HARDEST work there is profit." It says, "In ALL work there is profit." I'm doing what I can do with my writing at the moment, and trusting there will be more time for it later. The question then is, "What WILL I do with it when I have the time?" Will I do the work I need to do, or will I just continue to talk about it?
In the meantime, I'm not doing a lot of writing. I'm doing a lot of working with kids. I gotta say, sometimes, I'd rather be writing. Right now, though, I have to trust that the work I am doing is going to lead to some kind of profit...hopefully monetary, so I can keep paying my bills, but it's more than that.
The Lord has been teaching me a lot lately about different things. He's teaching me how to praise Him in every circumstance, and how WE NEED to praise Him. God desires our praise, but He also wants us to praise Him because we need to praise Him. That's what we were designed to do--and I've noticed that when I'm praising Him, I just function better in general. And so this stressful week has been really unexpectedly good. I've worked my butt off (not quite literally, though I may have lost a little weight in that general area) this week. I've had emotional ups and downs. I've gotten some really nice paychecks that had to be put right back into expenses for my car. I've taken opportunities to offer help to others, and I've had to be humble and ask for help for myself. I've seen friends I haven't seen in months and even years. I've talked a lot about what God has done and about what He is doing and what He will do. I've failed. I've succeeded. I've ran and breathed and rested and hoped and prayed and dreamed and rejoiced and cried and worked and sang and LIVED.
And I've realized again how much I really love my crazy, wild, wonderful life.
After all I've done against God, I don't deserve for the Lord to love me enough to test me and shape me. But He does. And He will continue to do so. And I know in His timing that my life and my writing are going to become what He wants them to be. I just have to wait for it and keep working and praying and resting in Him. Talking is fine, but all work leads to profit...and I believe that to be both monetary and Spiritual profit.
So I pray I work and worship and live this life He's given me. If I'm doing the things I know I'm supposed to be doing, I don't believe He's going to lead me astray.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
SEW Sunday: Getting There
The library called today, leaving me an automated message that the book for which I have been anxiously awaiting (Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins) is now available. The library is also closed on Sunday. Well played, library. Well played.
That's okay, because I decided I wanted to reread The Hunger Games anyway, and I won't be done until tonight. I love rereading a well-written book, which makes me wonder why I hate rereading my own books to edit them. Does that mean they're not well-written, or does it just mean I hate work.
Hopefully, just the latter, but possibly both.
Anyway, I have nothing to report in editing or querying, except I do plan on getting some things together. A few weeks ago I felt expectant, but that it wasn't time to move. The wind was still. Last night, the wind was anything but still as we had tornadoes and such in the area (my prayers are with those who didn't fare the storm as well as I did). The weather is just a metaphor, but right I'm very encouraged right now that it's finally getting time to make a move in the publishing world. For once, I don't have the "this will never work" attitude. Maybe my attitude is finally shifting from the "this will never work" attitude to the "I'm actually dumb enough to think this will work" attitude. While that doesn't sound much better, I'm often amazed at how many people in history were too dumb to know that they were attempting the impossible. So they tried anyway. And they succeeded.
The writing is actually going really well. I've had some new developments in my current WIP, though there are still several details I need to work out. I'm kind of taking a step back and letting the characters do what they want to do, because I've learned (once again) that when I try to meddle too much, I stifle them.
I'm writing this book as a serial novel which I am sharing with a few of my friends (I didn't want to share it with a large number this time--as I did with my second book...it just didn't seem right. And if you're a good friend and I didn't choose you to read it, please don't be offended. There were a lot of factors that went into the selection of readers). There are a lot of issues with this, namely, that if I mess up, there's no way to backtrack. I have to keep moving forward from where I messed up. It's very experimental. It's even a little dangerous because I'm putting my work out there in a very raw form. But I felt it was time to actually do something with this project, and the best motivation was to have actual readers. And they're very gracious, by the way.
Anyway, I am really starting to like this project (it's had a rocky start, and is still moving very slowly towards what I want it to become). Unfortunately, another project is working itself into my mind and I'm wondering if I should be working on it, too. I went out running this morning and couldn't clear my head of this story, the characters, what will happen to them. I wish I could just be the sort of writer who focuses on one project at a time (it would make things so much easier). My head just gets so busy with so many stories that I don't have room for all of them. And then I need to find time to sell the ones I've already written. And then I need time to prepare other stories I've written to be ready to try to sell.
But I can't complain too much. I'm busy, but that's life. The busyness isn't going to stop, so I'm back to where I started: trying to do all these writer things in the midst of the chaos of life. When I stop having the mental image of a hamster on a wheel, hanging on for dear life as it spins out of control...I start to feel a lot better about things.
The question is, how do I get that image out of my head?
That's okay, because I decided I wanted to reread The Hunger Games anyway, and I won't be done until tonight. I love rereading a well-written book, which makes me wonder why I hate rereading my own books to edit them. Does that mean they're not well-written, or does it just mean I hate work.
Hopefully, just the latter, but possibly both.
Anyway, I have nothing to report in editing or querying, except I do plan on getting some things together. A few weeks ago I felt expectant, but that it wasn't time to move. The wind was still. Last night, the wind was anything but still as we had tornadoes and such in the area (my prayers are with those who didn't fare the storm as well as I did). The weather is just a metaphor, but right I'm very encouraged right now that it's finally getting time to make a move in the publishing world. For once, I don't have the "this will never work" attitude. Maybe my attitude is finally shifting from the "this will never work" attitude to the "I'm actually dumb enough to think this will work" attitude. While that doesn't sound much better, I'm often amazed at how many people in history were too dumb to know that they were attempting the impossible. So they tried anyway. And they succeeded.
The writing is actually going really well. I've had some new developments in my current WIP, though there are still several details I need to work out. I'm kind of taking a step back and letting the characters do what they want to do, because I've learned (once again) that when I try to meddle too much, I stifle them.
I'm writing this book as a serial novel which I am sharing with a few of my friends (I didn't want to share it with a large number this time--as I did with my second book...it just didn't seem right. And if you're a good friend and I didn't choose you to read it, please don't be offended. There were a lot of factors that went into the selection of readers). There are a lot of issues with this, namely, that if I mess up, there's no way to backtrack. I have to keep moving forward from where I messed up. It's very experimental. It's even a little dangerous because I'm putting my work out there in a very raw form. But I felt it was time to actually do something with this project, and the best motivation was to have actual readers. And they're very gracious, by the way.
Anyway, I am really starting to like this project (it's had a rocky start, and is still moving very slowly towards what I want it to become). Unfortunately, another project is working itself into my mind and I'm wondering if I should be working on it, too. I went out running this morning and couldn't clear my head of this story, the characters, what will happen to them. I wish I could just be the sort of writer who focuses on one project at a time (it would make things so much easier). My head just gets so busy with so many stories that I don't have room for all of them. And then I need to find time to sell the ones I've already written. And then I need time to prepare other stories I've written to be ready to try to sell.
But I can't complain too much. I'm busy, but that's life. The busyness isn't going to stop, so I'm back to where I started: trying to do all these writer things in the midst of the chaos of life. When I stop having the mental image of a hamster on a wheel, hanging on for dear life as it spins out of control...I start to feel a lot better about things.
The question is, how do I get that image out of my head?
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Prayer and Writing
Refocused Blog, Take TWO!
So, a couple posts ago, I wrote that I was going to try to refocus this blog on what I originally intended for it. It took me, oh, ONE POST to forget that. My last blog was a series of what's going on in my writing and nothing more. While sometimes it's okay to write blogs like that (how else are people going to know what's going on in my writing life), I really want this blog to be something more. Yesterday's blog FAILED. Epically.
But then, the blog I wrote yesterday had lots of problems. I had this sudden surge of: OH MY GOSH! I JUST HAD THIS GREAT, THOUGH SOMEWHAT CRAZY, IDEA! LET ME GO BLOG ABOUT IT AND THEN GET TO WORK WRITING/EDITING LIKE A FAT KID AT A BUFFET! And then I wrote a blog and made a decision to go ahead and start working on several projects at once.
Problem: Did I ever once even think about stopping to pray about this decision? No. I didn't even mention God in the last blog (though I WAS thinking about mentioning God in the last blog, but I am not too sure that counts). I make these great claims about how God is breathing in me, giving me the ability and grace to write these stories. Then I jump off on a random course of action without even thinking of asking God if that's what He wants me to do.
Lately, I've been trying to include the Holy Spirit a lot more in my prayers. I've been asking God to let His Spirit guide me, help me, love through me, AND convict me. God is faithful. I've been convicted.
So this morning I DID pray, but even then, there were problems with my reasoning. I started praying, "Dear Lord, I'm going to start this project, so please inspire me and give me grace to write and write well." *insert buzzer sound here* No. Convicted again.
I was telling God what I planned to do, asking Him to come alongside me in the work that I'm doing. That's not the way it works.
The idea of prayer, I'm learning, is US coming alongside GOD in the work that HE is doing. Lots of people have said that prayer doesn't matter--even those who claim to believe in God. Why? Because God has already made up His mind about what He's going to do. I see where they're coming from because I don't believe God changes His mind either. He knows what's going to happen before it happens. But these people who don't believe in praying are cheating themselves out of something remarkable.
There's a movie I LOVE about the later life of C.S. Lewis called "Shadowlands." In this film, C. S. Lewis' character had an awesome line. "I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God; it changes me."
When we pray, we're not changing God's mind. We're asking Him to conform our minds and hearts to Him. I've learned this through a situation where some of my friends had a seriously ill child--the child almost died on more than one occasion. I prayed for them, for their child, knowing that the Lord might choose for this child to die. The knowledge that this child might die was not enough to make me want to stop praying. On the contrary, it made me pray all the harder. I knew that the only way my friends could make it through this difficult time in their lives was with God's grace. I knew that the best thing I could do for them was to keep praying that they would have strength to endure whatever happened, trusting God--all the while asking for healing for the child. Did my prayer heal the child? No. God did. But the amazing thing about the prayer was that I had this remarkable opportunity to walk through my friends' pain with them in a supernatural way. I had the opportunity to come alongside God in the work He was doing.
Prayer is amazing. It connects us with the poor widow down the street who is barely making ends meet. It connects us with the best friend who is suffering through rejection and heartache. It connects us with the missionaries and soldiers halfway across the world. Through God's gift of prayer, we're able to walk alongside those who are both far and near. It doesn't change God; it changes us. It unites us with others. It conforms our hearts and minds to God. When bad things happen, our prayer is a connection to the Lord that helps us see His will and trust His heart. When the good things happen, prayer enables us rejoice with one another and praise God for His blessing. It allows us to praise God simply because He is praiseworthy. Prayer amazes me.
And so...
My Prayer, TAKE TWO!: "Dear Lord, I have a project in mind, but I don't know if it's Your timing for me to start working on it. You know everything that's going on. So lead me to make the decision You would have me to make, and help me trust You through every step of this amazing journey. I'm going to go ahead and start writing because it's here in my hands to do, but if this isn't Your will and Your timing, then convict me of that. Let everything I write and everything I do be beneficial to others and glorifying to You."
I invite you all to come alongside me and alongside God in the work that He's doing through me and my writing. Thanks in advance for your prayers. I don't know what He's doing right now, but He's always doing something.
So, a couple posts ago, I wrote that I was going to try to refocus this blog on what I originally intended for it. It took me, oh, ONE POST to forget that. My last blog was a series of what's going on in my writing and nothing more. While sometimes it's okay to write blogs like that (how else are people going to know what's going on in my writing life), I really want this blog to be something more. Yesterday's blog FAILED. Epically.
But then, the blog I wrote yesterday had lots of problems. I had this sudden surge of: OH MY GOSH! I JUST HAD THIS GREAT, THOUGH SOMEWHAT CRAZY, IDEA! LET ME GO BLOG ABOUT IT AND THEN GET TO WORK WRITING/EDITING LIKE A FAT KID AT A BUFFET! And then I wrote a blog and made a decision to go ahead and start working on several projects at once.
Problem: Did I ever once even think about stopping to pray about this decision? No. I didn't even mention God in the last blog (though I WAS thinking about mentioning God in the last blog, but I am not too sure that counts). I make these great claims about how God is breathing in me, giving me the ability and grace to write these stories. Then I jump off on a random course of action without even thinking of asking God if that's what He wants me to do.
Lately, I've been trying to include the Holy Spirit a lot more in my prayers. I've been asking God to let His Spirit guide me, help me, love through me, AND convict me. God is faithful. I've been convicted.
So this morning I DID pray, but even then, there were problems with my reasoning. I started praying, "Dear Lord, I'm going to start this project, so please inspire me and give me grace to write and write well." *insert buzzer sound here* No. Convicted again.
I was telling God what I planned to do, asking Him to come alongside me in the work that I'm doing. That's not the way it works.
The idea of prayer, I'm learning, is US coming alongside GOD in the work that HE is doing. Lots of people have said that prayer doesn't matter--even those who claim to believe in God. Why? Because God has already made up His mind about what He's going to do. I see where they're coming from because I don't believe God changes His mind either. He knows what's going to happen before it happens. But these people who don't believe in praying are cheating themselves out of something remarkable.
There's a movie I LOVE about the later life of C.S. Lewis called "Shadowlands." In this film, C. S. Lewis' character had an awesome line. "I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God; it changes me."
When we pray, we're not changing God's mind. We're asking Him to conform our minds and hearts to Him. I've learned this through a situation where some of my friends had a seriously ill child--the child almost died on more than one occasion. I prayed for them, for their child, knowing that the Lord might choose for this child to die. The knowledge that this child might die was not enough to make me want to stop praying. On the contrary, it made me pray all the harder. I knew that the only way my friends could make it through this difficult time in their lives was with God's grace. I knew that the best thing I could do for them was to keep praying that they would have strength to endure whatever happened, trusting God--all the while asking for healing for the child. Did my prayer heal the child? No. God did. But the amazing thing about the prayer was that I had this remarkable opportunity to walk through my friends' pain with them in a supernatural way. I had the opportunity to come alongside God in the work He was doing.
Prayer is amazing. It connects us with the poor widow down the street who is barely making ends meet. It connects us with the best friend who is suffering through rejection and heartache. It connects us with the missionaries and soldiers halfway across the world. Through God's gift of prayer, we're able to walk alongside those who are both far and near. It doesn't change God; it changes us. It unites us with others. It conforms our hearts and minds to God. When bad things happen, our prayer is a connection to the Lord that helps us see His will and trust His heart. When the good things happen, prayer enables us rejoice with one another and praise God for His blessing. It allows us to praise God simply because He is praiseworthy. Prayer amazes me.
And so...
My Prayer, TAKE TWO!: "Dear Lord, I have a project in mind, but I don't know if it's Your timing for me to start working on it. You know everything that's going on. So lead me to make the decision You would have me to make, and help me trust You through every step of this amazing journey. I'm going to go ahead and start writing because it's here in my hands to do, but if this isn't Your will and Your timing, then convict me of that. Let everything I write and everything I do be beneficial to others and glorifying to You."
I invite you all to come alongside me and alongside God in the work that He's doing through me and my writing. Thanks in advance for your prayers. I don't know what He's doing right now, but He's always doing something.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
All Together Now
December knocked me down and stole my lunch money.
That's the way it seems, anyway. In December, I lost all track of the pathetic semblance of a routine I pretended I once had. I had a full work week this past week, which started out with me being an hour late because I had misread the schedule. Doh. Great start to a new year...or not. The rest of the week was a pretty confusing blur.
Anyway, I am trying to get my life back together so that I can actually start doing some of the awesome things I planned on doing this year. But this morning I started thinking, "Hmm. The words 'getting my life BACK together' imply that my life has deteriorated from a previous state of 'togetherness.' I'm not so sure I EVER had my 'life together' to begin with."
I remember my second senior year of college (that should tell you something right there) when I was 24 and most the girls on my hall were 18-year-old freshmen. Bless them, most of them looked up to me. Some of them even called me "Mama Ruth." And a few of them even expressed to me that they thought I had it "all together." Yeah, I'm sure it probably seemed that way because I had 6 years of experience that those girls didn't yet have. The truth is, I've never really had it "all together."
But I really do want to be more organized than I currently am. I don't have to be perfect. That's not what I'm all about here. This idea of having it "all together" is just how I'd like to appear to people, and honestly, it just doesn't really matter what other people think. Most people don't pay enough attention anyway because they don't care. Most of them are probably too busy trying to organize their own lives to worry about how I do or do not organize my life. It's just this stupid competition we all imagine ourselves having with other people.
With that being said, I still need to get organized so that I can actually start doing the things I want to do this year (and this life). The reason for this is because I've been given a lot; I'm responsible for using what I've been given.
I've heard well-meaning people say we should just trust God. Trust God and it will all turn out all right. Trust God. Trust God. Trust God.
I know where they're coming from. I believe, as they most likely do, that Christians are not saved by works, but by the grace of God through faith in Jesus. And I can understand how it can seem a little sticky when God has given us work to do. How much of that work is our effort, and how much of that is God's intervention?
It's easy to drift to one extreme or the other. Either we don't do anything and just "trust God," or we go to the other end, putting all our human effort into it--and eventually get arrogant and steal glory from God.
In the not too distant past, I think I was veering towards the first of those, though perhaps not to the most extreme extreme. I was working towards my goals and working on the projects I had, but I was not doing as much as I could. I didn't want to take glory from God. I wanted to trust Him to complete what He had begun.
But the more I write, pray, and live, the more I believe I am supposed to be an excellent writer--or at least the most excellent writer I can be. It's not because I have some glorious ambition of being the next J. K. Rowling (that train left a lot time ago--and it was NOT the Hogwarts Express). It's because the One who has called me and equipped me is excellent.
When it all comes down to it, I didn't will myself to be a writer. The ability to write was given to me. The abilities to imagine, create, dream, edit were also given to me. God the Author has made me in His image by breathing His creativity into me. He's given me dreams that have become stories. When I sit down with pen and paper, or when I sit down at the laptop keyboard, something happens. The Creator of the universe enables me to write. The gifts are from Him.
But if I don't sit down and write, then nothing happens.
And if I write and just try to present the first draft of my stories or songs or whatever, they might be good, but they probably aren't excellent. And I've got to look beyond the idea that I'm making things excellent so that other people will see their excellence. Certainly that is a very good thing. I want people to enjoy and get something out of what I write. But it's not the most important thing.
Because Cain killed his brother Abel because he was jealous that God had found Abel's sacrifice acceptable, while rejecting Cain's. But Cain's heart wasn't right to begin with, because he didn't give his best. And like Cain, I don't have anything except what's been given me. But if I just put forth minimal effort with what I've been given, then that's a pretty poor offering.
The context is slightly different, but King David said that he would not offer God a sacrifice that cost him nothing. In David's case, he was insisting upon paying a man for the location, oxen, and materials he would use for a burnt offering. In my situation, the context is different, but the idea is the same. Am I to offer to God work that cost me nothing--or next to nothing? Am I to just produce something to be producing it, or should it be my best work?
And if it's my best work, then shouldn't I be spending a lot more time writing, editing, rewriting, and editing again...and again...and again...? Shouldn't I really be working to pursue agents instead of just sending out a few pathetic letters and praying for the best?
I've come to the conclusion that the work I do is not something I enable myself to do, but since I have been given the ability, I also have the responsibility to produce the most excellent work I can. It's not because I'm brilliant. It's not because I want to be some great writer (well, okay, so I do...but that's not the main thing). It's because the One who has called me is worth my best work.
So I'm trying to get my life as "together" as I can get it. It's a work in progress, like pretty much everything else. I'm starting a diet/exercise routine tomorrow (God willing). I'm trying to stick with a plan of reading the Bible in a year. I'm keeping record of whether or not I pray everyday, just because I know I'm not disciplined without it (on a side note, I'm not just praying to check it off a list. I'm praying because I need to spend time with God, but I know myself enough to know that right now I need the discipline aid of marking it off a list). I'm also going to start making some goals for myself in getting writing done and query letters out. I also need to start making some serious plans towards recording some songs. That's right. And with those songs, I'm going to have to settle for making them only as excellent as I can make them. My guitar skills are on an elementary level. In other words, I suck.
But the Lord has given me these things to do. I have some interesting ideas for them. I'm excited to see what He's going to do in the next few months. I'm pretty sure I'll never have it "all together," but even though I'm trying to work hard, I'm still relying on grace. There's hope. Lots of hope.
That's the way it seems, anyway. In December, I lost all track of the pathetic semblance of a routine I pretended I once had. I had a full work week this past week, which started out with me being an hour late because I had misread the schedule. Doh. Great start to a new year...or not. The rest of the week was a pretty confusing blur.
Anyway, I am trying to get my life back together so that I can actually start doing some of the awesome things I planned on doing this year. But this morning I started thinking, "Hmm. The words 'getting my life BACK together' imply that my life has deteriorated from a previous state of 'togetherness.' I'm not so sure I EVER had my 'life together' to begin with."
I remember my second senior year of college (that should tell you something right there) when I was 24 and most the girls on my hall were 18-year-old freshmen. Bless them, most of them looked up to me. Some of them even called me "Mama Ruth." And a few of them even expressed to me that they thought I had it "all together." Yeah, I'm sure it probably seemed that way because I had 6 years of experience that those girls didn't yet have. The truth is, I've never really had it "all together."
But I really do want to be more organized than I currently am. I don't have to be perfect. That's not what I'm all about here. This idea of having it "all together" is just how I'd like to appear to people, and honestly, it just doesn't really matter what other people think. Most people don't pay enough attention anyway because they don't care. Most of them are probably too busy trying to organize their own lives to worry about how I do or do not organize my life. It's just this stupid competition we all imagine ourselves having with other people.
With that being said, I still need to get organized so that I can actually start doing the things I want to do this year (and this life). The reason for this is because I've been given a lot; I'm responsible for using what I've been given.
I've heard well-meaning people say we should just trust God. Trust God and it will all turn out all right. Trust God. Trust God. Trust God.
I know where they're coming from. I believe, as they most likely do, that Christians are not saved by works, but by the grace of God through faith in Jesus. And I can understand how it can seem a little sticky when God has given us work to do. How much of that work is our effort, and how much of that is God's intervention?
It's easy to drift to one extreme or the other. Either we don't do anything and just "trust God," or we go to the other end, putting all our human effort into it--and eventually get arrogant and steal glory from God.
In the not too distant past, I think I was veering towards the first of those, though perhaps not to the most extreme extreme. I was working towards my goals and working on the projects I had, but I was not doing as much as I could. I didn't want to take glory from God. I wanted to trust Him to complete what He had begun.
But the more I write, pray, and live, the more I believe I am supposed to be an excellent writer--or at least the most excellent writer I can be. It's not because I have some glorious ambition of being the next J. K. Rowling (that train left a lot time ago--and it was NOT the Hogwarts Express). It's because the One who has called me and equipped me is excellent.
When it all comes down to it, I didn't will myself to be a writer. The ability to write was given to me. The abilities to imagine, create, dream, edit were also given to me. God the Author has made me in His image by breathing His creativity into me. He's given me dreams that have become stories. When I sit down with pen and paper, or when I sit down at the laptop keyboard, something happens. The Creator of the universe enables me to write. The gifts are from Him.
But if I don't sit down and write, then nothing happens.
And if I write and just try to present the first draft of my stories or songs or whatever, they might be good, but they probably aren't excellent. And I've got to look beyond the idea that I'm making things excellent so that other people will see their excellence. Certainly that is a very good thing. I want people to enjoy and get something out of what I write. But it's not the most important thing.
Because Cain killed his brother Abel because he was jealous that God had found Abel's sacrifice acceptable, while rejecting Cain's. But Cain's heart wasn't right to begin with, because he didn't give his best. And like Cain, I don't have anything except what's been given me. But if I just put forth minimal effort with what I've been given, then that's a pretty poor offering.
The context is slightly different, but King David said that he would not offer God a sacrifice that cost him nothing. In David's case, he was insisting upon paying a man for the location, oxen, and materials he would use for a burnt offering. In my situation, the context is different, but the idea is the same. Am I to offer to God work that cost me nothing--or next to nothing? Am I to just produce something to be producing it, or should it be my best work?
And if it's my best work, then shouldn't I be spending a lot more time writing, editing, rewriting, and editing again...and again...and again...? Shouldn't I really be working to pursue agents instead of just sending out a few pathetic letters and praying for the best?
I've come to the conclusion that the work I do is not something I enable myself to do, but since I have been given the ability, I also have the responsibility to produce the most excellent work I can. It's not because I'm brilliant. It's not because I want to be some great writer (well, okay, so I do...but that's not the main thing). It's because the One who has called me is worth my best work.
So I'm trying to get my life as "together" as I can get it. It's a work in progress, like pretty much everything else. I'm starting a diet/exercise routine tomorrow (God willing). I'm trying to stick with a plan of reading the Bible in a year. I'm keeping record of whether or not I pray everyday, just because I know I'm not disciplined without it (on a side note, I'm not just praying to check it off a list. I'm praying because I need to spend time with God, but I know myself enough to know that right now I need the discipline aid of marking it off a list). I'm also going to start making some goals for myself in getting writing done and query letters out. I also need to start making some serious plans towards recording some songs. That's right. And with those songs, I'm going to have to settle for making them only as excellent as I can make them. My guitar skills are on an elementary level. In other words, I suck.
But the Lord has given me these things to do. I have some interesting ideas for them. I'm excited to see what He's going to do in the next few months. I'm pretty sure I'll never have it "all together," but even though I'm trying to work hard, I'm still relying on grace. There's hope. Lots of hope.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Work and Worship Part 2
Sometimes I think I've said all I have to say on a subject, and then I realize that I didn't say all I wanted to. This is one of those times.
In my Bible study class on Sunday morning, we were reading from Ephesians 2:1-10. This is one of my favorite passages, but I'm weird. A lot of Christians I know read this passage and really set their focus on the verses that deal with grace and being alive in Christ. I get that. I really do. This whole passage is so amazing. All the verses are so important and tie together well. God inspired Paul to write them and they're incredible words of truth. But I'm weird, as I mentioned before. The verses that stand out to me are not the same ones that seem to stand out to everyone else.
My favorite verse from this passage is verse 10: "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." In verse 3 of this passage, Paul refers to his readers (the Ephesians, as well as all Christians) as formerly being "by nature OBJECTS of wrath." I like the contrast this plays with verse 10. We go from being objects of wrath to God's workmanships--other translations state we are "God's masterpieces." That's through God's grace. I love the way some translations word this whole passage. In the first few verses, Paul talks about how we were once dead in our sin and gratifying our own sinful desires--we were objects of wrath. Then in verse four comes the turning point: BUT GOD made us alive in Christ. I love those words. "BUT GOD." Those words are full of such hope and promise. Mmm. I get cold chills thinking about it. It really is only by His grace that we can be or do anything.
That brings me to my point. Maybe. I tend to ramble, haven't you noticed? I'll bet you have. AHEM.
In verse 9, Paul reemphasizes that it's only by grace that we are saved, alive, etc. He points out that it is NOT BY OUR WORKS so that we can't boast about it.
And then in the very next verse, verse 10 (see above), Paul states that God gave us work to do. Hold up. Didn't he JUST say in the previous verse that our works are basically meaningless in regards to our salvation? It's not a contradiction. It's a clarification.
Works don't save us. I could write brilliant novels and lovingly take care of children and mow lawns for the elderly and make gourmet meals for the homeless or do any number of things that would qualify as work. They wouldn't do a thing for me. The thing is, though, that God did make work. According to Eph. 2:10, he prepared work for us to do.
Work doesn't save us, but it glorifies Him. I don't *think* that I'm counting on all the work I do to save me, but I think every Christian from time to time finds him/herself in that trap of wanting to "do things for God." God doesn't need us to do things for Him. God doesn't need anything.
God desires us. He chooses us. He uses us because He is good, not because there's anything good in us. The work He's given you and me doesn't have anything to do with saving us. It's what He's given us to do to glorify Him and further His Kingdom.
As I said in the previous post, my failing is that I am lazy. I want to do the things that honor me and build my kingdom(like sit around and wait for people to post on my facebook wall) instead of the work that honors God and builds His Kingdom. Nothing we have belongs to us, and when we really start to understand that, I think that's when we really start honoring God with our time, talents, and money.
Thank you, Lord, for making me--for making me Your masterpiece. I thank you for reminding me that I have no right to boast--all I have is from You. I ask that You keep breathing your creativity into me that I can spread the breath of You into the work that I do. Thank you for grace. I'm ever always in need of it.
In my Bible study class on Sunday morning, we were reading from Ephesians 2:1-10. This is one of my favorite passages, but I'm weird. A lot of Christians I know read this passage and really set their focus on the verses that deal with grace and being alive in Christ. I get that. I really do. This whole passage is so amazing. All the verses are so important and tie together well. God inspired Paul to write them and they're incredible words of truth. But I'm weird, as I mentioned before. The verses that stand out to me are not the same ones that seem to stand out to everyone else.
My favorite verse from this passage is verse 10: "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." In verse 3 of this passage, Paul refers to his readers (the Ephesians, as well as all Christians) as formerly being "by nature OBJECTS of wrath." I like the contrast this plays with verse 10. We go from being objects of wrath to God's workmanships--other translations state we are "God's masterpieces." That's through God's grace. I love the way some translations word this whole passage. In the first few verses, Paul talks about how we were once dead in our sin and gratifying our own sinful desires--we were objects of wrath. Then in verse four comes the turning point: BUT GOD made us alive in Christ. I love those words. "BUT GOD." Those words are full of such hope and promise. Mmm. I get cold chills thinking about it. It really is only by His grace that we can be or do anything.
That brings me to my point. Maybe. I tend to ramble, haven't you noticed? I'll bet you have. AHEM.
In verse 9, Paul reemphasizes that it's only by grace that we are saved, alive, etc. He points out that it is NOT BY OUR WORKS so that we can't boast about it.
And then in the very next verse, verse 10 (see above), Paul states that God gave us work to do. Hold up. Didn't he JUST say in the previous verse that our works are basically meaningless in regards to our salvation? It's not a contradiction. It's a clarification.
Works don't save us. I could write brilliant novels and lovingly take care of children and mow lawns for the elderly and make gourmet meals for the homeless or do any number of things that would qualify as work. They wouldn't do a thing for me. The thing is, though, that God did make work. According to Eph. 2:10, he prepared work for us to do.
Work doesn't save us, but it glorifies Him. I don't *think* that I'm counting on all the work I do to save me, but I think every Christian from time to time finds him/herself in that trap of wanting to "do things for God." God doesn't need us to do things for Him. God doesn't need anything.
God desires us. He chooses us. He uses us because He is good, not because there's anything good in us. The work He's given you and me doesn't have anything to do with saving us. It's what He's given us to do to glorify Him and further His Kingdom.
As I said in the previous post, my failing is that I am lazy. I want to do the things that honor me and build my kingdom(like sit around and wait for people to post on my facebook wall) instead of the work that honors God and builds His Kingdom. Nothing we have belongs to us, and when we really start to understand that, I think that's when we really start honoring God with our time, talents, and money.
Thank you, Lord, for making me--for making me Your masterpiece. I thank you for reminding me that I have no right to boast--all I have is from You. I ask that You keep breathing your creativity into me that I can spread the breath of You into the work that I do. Thank you for grace. I'm ever always in need of it.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Work and Worship
I'm a working girl. I have three jobs (supplimented with other sporadic babysitting opportunities and other random childcare gigs). I also am in the process of trying to balance these jobs with writing/editing--and maybe even some more querying in the near future. I know what work is (even though I'm not nearly as busy as the average stay-at-home mom). At least, I thought I knew.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about how God gave Adam and Eve work to do, how that was part of the perfect world before The Fall of humanity. After Adam and Eve sinned, work became toilsome. I wonder what it was like before; I can only assume it was a pleasant thing. It was something God intended.
I love working with kids. I love my coworkers. I love my jobs. Please don't get me wrong there. It's just that sometimes when that alarm clock goes off in the morning, I don't like the idea of work. Sometimes when that child is throwing a tantrum (or throwing something else--AT MY HEAD!!!) I don't like the idea of work. Sometimes when I want to go do something fun with my friends and I can't do it because I'm a slave to someone else's schedule, I don't like the idea of work.
But work was never meant to be something we dreaded. Work was something God gave us. Right now, my problem isn't with my paying jobs. I'm LOVING all of them at the moment--even if I don't always want to do them. I'm blessed with amazing coworkers and precious children and wonderful parents--some of whom I think love me as much as I love them. I'm still adjusting to the stress of having three jobs pull at my time, but all in all, I'm very blessed in this wretched economy to have three jobs.
I wish things were going as well with my writing. I just started writing and editing again after a month or so of taking a break. It's been a lot harder to get back into it than I imagined. I'm not sure exactly what the problem is. I think that a part of it is just that I'm so busy working at paying jobs that I have little time to write. But that doesn't exactly excuse me. I get home from work and what's the first thing I do? I get online. I check my email. I check facebook. I check my blogs. I check twitter. I check facebook again. I check twitter again. I write a blog (or two). I check facebook again. I take a short break for dinner. I check facebook again. I check twitter again. I check my blogs again. I go back to facebook. It's amazing how I can waste 2-3 hours online and not even realize it.
The thing is, there is nothing wrong with social networking or blogging, just as there is nothing wrong with watching an occasional tv show. Nothing at all. The problem with it for me is that I spend too much time doing it when I could be doing more important things. Honestly, I've come to the realization that the reason I spend too much time online is because I'm very much interested in seeing what other people have to say to me or about me. I'm building MY kingdom.
...and all the while there's my writing. I believe God has given me my writing. I believe He's called me to it. It doesn't pay anything now, but it's important. It's something that God has given me to do, and I have faith that He will use it to build HIS Kingdom. Wasting time on the internet (furthering MY kingdom) is stealing time that could be used doing something that God's given me to do (furthering HIS Kingdom). How I work has a lot to do with how I worship.
This has been on my mind for some time. God has an interesting way of sending the same message to His children over and over and over until He gets it through our heads. I'm finally listening.
I ask you to pray for me as I learn how to balance my time. I ask you to pray that I make a concious effort to serve God with my time and talents. I ask that you pray that God will convict me when I try to further my kingdom instead of His.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about how God gave Adam and Eve work to do, how that was part of the perfect world before The Fall of humanity. After Adam and Eve sinned, work became toilsome. I wonder what it was like before; I can only assume it was a pleasant thing. It was something God intended.
I love working with kids. I love my coworkers. I love my jobs. Please don't get me wrong there. It's just that sometimes when that alarm clock goes off in the morning, I don't like the idea of work. Sometimes when that child is throwing a tantrum (or throwing something else--AT MY HEAD!!!) I don't like the idea of work. Sometimes when I want to go do something fun with my friends and I can't do it because I'm a slave to someone else's schedule, I don't like the idea of work.
But work was never meant to be something we dreaded. Work was something God gave us. Right now, my problem isn't with my paying jobs. I'm LOVING all of them at the moment--even if I don't always want to do them. I'm blessed with amazing coworkers and precious children and wonderful parents--some of whom I think love me as much as I love them. I'm still adjusting to the stress of having three jobs pull at my time, but all in all, I'm very blessed in this wretched economy to have three jobs.
I wish things were going as well with my writing. I just started writing and editing again after a month or so of taking a break. It's been a lot harder to get back into it than I imagined. I'm not sure exactly what the problem is. I think that a part of it is just that I'm so busy working at paying jobs that I have little time to write. But that doesn't exactly excuse me. I get home from work and what's the first thing I do? I get online. I check my email. I check facebook. I check my blogs. I check twitter. I check facebook again. I check twitter again. I write a blog (or two). I check facebook again. I take a short break for dinner. I check facebook again. I check twitter again. I check my blogs again. I go back to facebook. It's amazing how I can waste 2-3 hours online and not even realize it.
The thing is, there is nothing wrong with social networking or blogging, just as there is nothing wrong with watching an occasional tv show. Nothing at all. The problem with it for me is that I spend too much time doing it when I could be doing more important things. Honestly, I've come to the realization that the reason I spend too much time online is because I'm very much interested in seeing what other people have to say to me or about me. I'm building MY kingdom.
...and all the while there's my writing. I believe God has given me my writing. I believe He's called me to it. It doesn't pay anything now, but it's important. It's something that God has given me to do, and I have faith that He will use it to build HIS Kingdom. Wasting time on the internet (furthering MY kingdom) is stealing time that could be used doing something that God's given me to do (furthering HIS Kingdom). How I work has a lot to do with how I worship.
This has been on my mind for some time. God has an interesting way of sending the same message to His children over and over and over until He gets it through our heads. I'm finally listening.
I ask you to pray for me as I learn how to balance my time. I ask you to pray that I make a concious effort to serve God with my time and talents. I ask that you pray that God will convict me when I try to further my kingdom instead of His.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Too Many Words
I nanny for three girls, the youngest of which is six years old. "The Princess," as I will refer to her in all blog postings, is about halfway through her second week of first grade. I take care of her and her sisters ("The Drama Queen" almost 12, and "The Diva" almost 9) about three afternoons a week. The older two are pretty good about doing their homework without too many problems. Sometimes they'll ask me to help them with their homework, and I realize that I am, in fact, a dunderhead when it comes to elementary and middle school mathematics (What does commutative mean? Seriously...I have to use the dictionary to do 4th grade math?), science (Laws of Motion? All I know is that I get in trouble with the law if my driving motion is too fast), geography (how am I supposed to know why it's called the Tropic of Cancer? No, I'm pretty sure you don't automatically get cancer if you go there), and pretty much everything else.
Anyway, I can easily help "The Princess" with all of her homework, since most if it is still on my level. Right now, she's just coming out of kindergarten (and a long summer break in which I did not make her practice her writing/reading enough), so she's practicing writing simple words like "a," "at," "the," "me," etc.
The past two days I've asked "The Princess" to do her homework. You'd think I was torturing the child. She comes home from school and starts complaining about how long it will take her to do her homework. She eats a snack. She stalls. She sits at the table. She stalls. She cries. She stalls. She pounds the table with her head--literally. I try to reason with her, but she doesn't seem to grasp the simple concept that if she'd just go ahead and START her homework, she would be done with it sooner. Homework that would take her about 10 minutes becomes an hour long ordeal.
The other day, I was trying to help her start her homework. I suggested she write some of her words down. It was a list of 10 words, all four letters long or less. She looked at me helplessly and dramatically exclaimed, "THAT'S TOO MANY WORDS!"
At this point, I really made her mad by busting out laughing. She demanded to know why I was laughing. I said to her as kindly as possible, "Sweetheart, I have written three grown-up chapter books. Don't tell me that this is too many words."
Anyway, I've been taking a break from writing for a while. I have about a week left of it, and then I'm going to have to start trying to get my first book published again. I'm going to have to send out query letters. I'm dreading this.
I have the temptation to look up at God helplessly and exclaim, "THIS IS TOO HARD FOR ME!" Only I'm not too mad when He laughs kindly and says, "But, sweetheart, nothing is too hard for me."
I know that I'm going to sit down to start sending my queries. I'll want to cry. I'll want to pound my fists on the table. I'll want to complain about how long it'll take me to find an agent. I'll want to make up excuses not to try. I'll want to go through every possible reason why I'll most likely not get published. "I'm an unknown writer! No agent will want me!" "My writing is unusual and probably sucks." "I don't know what I'm doing! Why did I think I could do this?" "What if aliens invade the planet and erase every copy of my book, and then steal my brain so I can't write it all over again!?"
The thing is, if I would just sit down and trust God and GET IT DONE, it wouldn't be such an ordeal for me. So I still ask for prayer. The reading break I've taken has been immensely helpful and refreshing. Now it's time to work again. There aren't too many words; I just have to be dilligent to do what needs to be done.
Lord, let not my hands be idle, nor my heart be unstirred.
Anyway, I can easily help "The Princess" with all of her homework, since most if it is still on my level. Right now, she's just coming out of kindergarten (and a long summer break in which I did not make her practice her writing/reading enough), so she's practicing writing simple words like "a," "at," "the," "me," etc.
The past two days I've asked "The Princess" to do her homework. You'd think I was torturing the child. She comes home from school and starts complaining about how long it will take her to do her homework. She eats a snack. She stalls. She sits at the table. She stalls. She cries. She stalls. She pounds the table with her head--literally. I try to reason with her, but she doesn't seem to grasp the simple concept that if she'd just go ahead and START her homework, she would be done with it sooner. Homework that would take her about 10 minutes becomes an hour long ordeal.
The other day, I was trying to help her start her homework. I suggested she write some of her words down. It was a list of 10 words, all four letters long or less. She looked at me helplessly and dramatically exclaimed, "THAT'S TOO MANY WORDS!"
At this point, I really made her mad by busting out laughing. She demanded to know why I was laughing. I said to her as kindly as possible, "Sweetheart, I have written three grown-up chapter books. Don't tell me that this is too many words."
Anyway, I've been taking a break from writing for a while. I have about a week left of it, and then I'm going to have to start trying to get my first book published again. I'm going to have to send out query letters. I'm dreading this.
I have the temptation to look up at God helplessly and exclaim, "THIS IS TOO HARD FOR ME!" Only I'm not too mad when He laughs kindly and says, "But, sweetheart, nothing is too hard for me."
I know that I'm going to sit down to start sending my queries. I'll want to cry. I'll want to pound my fists on the table. I'll want to complain about how long it'll take me to find an agent. I'll want to make up excuses not to try. I'll want to go through every possible reason why I'll most likely not get published. "I'm an unknown writer! No agent will want me!" "My writing is unusual and probably sucks." "I don't know what I'm doing! Why did I think I could do this?" "What if aliens invade the planet and erase every copy of my book, and then steal my brain so I can't write it all over again!?"
The thing is, if I would just sit down and trust God and GET IT DONE, it wouldn't be such an ordeal for me. So I still ask for prayer. The reading break I've taken has been immensely helpful and refreshing. Now it's time to work again. There aren't too many words; I just have to be dilligent to do what needs to be done.
Lord, let not my hands be idle, nor my heart be unstirred.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Some Confessions, A Calling, and A Cry
This is long. I make no apology. I have a lot on my brain and need to dump it somewhere. So I'll dump it here.
I care too much about what other people think of me. This sin probably contributes a little to the fact that I'm just now starting to attempt to get my writing published. It's not the only reason. In fact, sometimes I wonder if I'm even ready to try to get anything published at all.
Recently, someone was talking about giving birth. I have never given birth and probably never will. I'm only 30, so at this point I could still potentially get married and have kids. But, I'm really adverse to the idea of walking around nine months with a living creature growing inside of me, only to have to painfully squeeze it out in front of some weird doctor(s). The idea of a C-section is even more appalling--actually being awake while said weird doctor cuts you open. Eww. No thanks. I love kids and have a huge heart for adoption, so if I do get married, kids aren't out of the question--I'm just not big on the idea of having my own.
Anyway, I started thinking about my writing, likening it to having a child. For far longer than nine months, I've been carrying around this child. I conceived it about nine years ago. It's grown and developed quite a bit. I started having some contractions. I thought I was finally ready to deliver, so I started looking around for someone to help me deliver--a literary agent for my midwife. I'm starting to have some doubts to that. Perhaps I wasn't really having contractions. Perhaps they were Braxton-Hicks contractions that led me to believe I was ready when I wasn't.
I'm still not sure if I'm ready to do this. Part of the reason I went ahead and sent out some queries is because I started sensing that some people thought I was stalling out of fear. So I went ahead and sent out some. I'm not saying that the only reason I proceeded was because I cared what other people thought, but that was at least part of it. I care what people think.
And here's where I get really honest. I'm not sure how many of my perceptions are true, or how much I just invent out of my own self-conscious vanity, but it hurts me to believe that there are people out there that think that writing is a foolish pursuit. And I do believe that. I believe that there are others who judge me because I actually dare to believe that the Lord has given me this work to do.
Writing isn't church work. It's not an obvious ministry. It isn't like going overseas and working with orphans or unchurched people. It's not like teaching a Bible study. It's not like handing out food to the homeless people downtown. And I perceive, either correctly or incorrectly, that there are people in my church and circle of friends who think I'm batty for even wanting to do this. Whether or not my perceptions are correct, it matters not. The fact of the matter is, I'm sinning by caring too much about what other people think. If the Lord has called me to this, then it will happen. If He hasn't, I need to trust Him to show me that and lead me to what He wants. I do believe He has called me to this. I believe that, in His timing, there will be fruit to the work I'm doing. The figurative child will be delivered, and the child will be something God can use. It doesn't matter whether anyone agrees with me and my vision or not.
Another sin I have is vanity--which is related to the caring of what others think. A lot of people have asked why I don't sing more in church. I'm in the choir at my church, but I'm aware of the fact that I could probably do solos. I'm too well aware of that fact. The reason I don't ask to sing solos or make it more apparent that I can sing well is because I know how vain I am. I like to sing to praise God; I like to sing because the Lord gives me songs and the grace to sing. My fear is that if I get the chance to stand out too often, I'm going to be tempted to sing to glorify myself. My writing is no different. I fear that if I have success with my writing, I'll be tempted to praise myself instead of God.
The amazing thing about this process of trying to get published is how humbling it is. The Lord is incredibly faithful to humble us if we ask. I've been asking that for the past couple of weeks, and I've been seeing it in many aspects of my life. Working with kids gives me plenty of opportunities to be humble. I can't say I've always been the most humble this past week. Jesus said in Matthew 10 that if you offered a cup of cool water to a little one in His Name, you would not lose your reward. I have lots of opportunities to give cups of cool water to little ones. Sometimes I do it a lot more graciously than others. At the end of the day, I get to reflect on how I treated those kids, and on how much I have to rely on God to be gracious.
I'm also experiencing this humbling in my writing. I've queried about ten agents, and gotten back eight respones. All were rejections. The rejections themselves are not so humbling; they're what is to be expected. What's humbling is that I'm now confronted with the arduous task of assessing the rejections I've received and rewriting the queries I've sent and trying to figure out how and who to send my next queries to--if I'm even ready to do that at all. (Forgive the run-on sentences!) I obviously do not know what I'm doing and need guidance. I need grace. I can't do this on my own.
This brings me to my cry.
Last night, I attempted to start a book that is described as "Christian Fantasy" (Dragonspell by Donita K. Paul). I fell asleep two pages into it, not because it was that boring, but because I was THAT exhausted. I'm actually looking forward to reading more this afternoon. But in the front cover of this book, there are little quotes from other authors giving "praise for Dragonspell." I was reading some of these last night before starting the book, and one quote caught my attention: "No one will ever be able to read this and doubt that Christian fantasy is a viable genre for spreading God's Word." --Christine Lynxwiller (president of American Christian Romance Writers)
Now, I'm still trying to get over a lot of my prejudices against "Christian writers," and so I'm not sure how much I can trust the opinion of someone who is president of a group called the American Christian Romance Writers, but that really is neither here nor there. The important thing is that the quote so moved me last night that I had to pause for a few moments and burst into tears.
I want my writing to elicit that response in people. I want people to read my work and think that it's something that could draw people to God and to the Gospel. I believe that it's not only possible (all things are possible with God), but that the Lord has called me to this very thing. And the cry of my heart is that the Lord would do something big--not with me, but with my writing. The cry of my heart is that He will get the glory for it. The cry of my heart is that lives will be changed because of this work the Lord has given me to do.
And I cry out, begging for your prayers as I try to be faithful to what God has given me to do. I pray that I will only be concerned about what God wants, and not give a second thought to what other people may or may not be thinking. I ask that God will direct me in this uncertain process and this uncertain stage of my life. If there's an agent He wants me to have, He will provide that. If He wants me to market this book towards a more Christian audience, He will reveal that to me and open the doors for that to happen. If He has something else planned that I can't even imagine, then that will happen, too.
I'm learning that trust and obedience live in a completely symbiotic relationship. You can't obey without trusting, and you can't trust without obeying. If I trust God, that's going to be fleshed out through obedience. There are so many things that beg for our time and attention--so many needs to be prayed for. I am still foolish enough to ask that you add this to the many things that you pray for. I ask that you would pray for guidance for me as I seek to trust and obey God. I ask that you would pray that His name be glorified in my writing and my work. I ask that you would pray for the right timing and the right marketing and the right avenue for my writing to make maximum impact on the people God wants to reach.
I don't understand what God is doing, but I understand that He is doing something. I'm not sure if these contractions are the real deal or not. What I do know is that even if it's not time to deliver, God is using this "child" to teach me a lot.
Thank you so much for reading this (I know it was long). Thank you for praying. I am very much a weak fool, and I'm very much in need, but the God I serve is able to provide beyond anything I could ask or imagine. As wild as my imagination is, that's a pretty exciting concept.
I care too much about what other people think of me. This sin probably contributes a little to the fact that I'm just now starting to attempt to get my writing published. It's not the only reason. In fact, sometimes I wonder if I'm even ready to try to get anything published at all.
Recently, someone was talking about giving birth. I have never given birth and probably never will. I'm only 30, so at this point I could still potentially get married and have kids. But, I'm really adverse to the idea of walking around nine months with a living creature growing inside of me, only to have to painfully squeeze it out in front of some weird doctor(s). The idea of a C-section is even more appalling--actually being awake while said weird doctor cuts you open. Eww. No thanks. I love kids and have a huge heart for adoption, so if I do get married, kids aren't out of the question--I'm just not big on the idea of having my own.
Anyway, I started thinking about my writing, likening it to having a child. For far longer than nine months, I've been carrying around this child. I conceived it about nine years ago. It's grown and developed quite a bit. I started having some contractions. I thought I was finally ready to deliver, so I started looking around for someone to help me deliver--a literary agent for my midwife. I'm starting to have some doubts to that. Perhaps I wasn't really having contractions. Perhaps they were Braxton-Hicks contractions that led me to believe I was ready when I wasn't.
I'm still not sure if I'm ready to do this. Part of the reason I went ahead and sent out some queries is because I started sensing that some people thought I was stalling out of fear. So I went ahead and sent out some. I'm not saying that the only reason I proceeded was because I cared what other people thought, but that was at least part of it. I care what people think.
And here's where I get really honest. I'm not sure how many of my perceptions are true, or how much I just invent out of my own self-conscious vanity, but it hurts me to believe that there are people out there that think that writing is a foolish pursuit. And I do believe that. I believe that there are others who judge me because I actually dare to believe that the Lord has given me this work to do.
Writing isn't church work. It's not an obvious ministry. It isn't like going overseas and working with orphans or unchurched people. It's not like teaching a Bible study. It's not like handing out food to the homeless people downtown. And I perceive, either correctly or incorrectly, that there are people in my church and circle of friends who think I'm batty for even wanting to do this. Whether or not my perceptions are correct, it matters not. The fact of the matter is, I'm sinning by caring too much about what other people think. If the Lord has called me to this, then it will happen. If He hasn't, I need to trust Him to show me that and lead me to what He wants. I do believe He has called me to this. I believe that, in His timing, there will be fruit to the work I'm doing. The figurative child will be delivered, and the child will be something God can use. It doesn't matter whether anyone agrees with me and my vision or not.
Another sin I have is vanity--which is related to the caring of what others think. A lot of people have asked why I don't sing more in church. I'm in the choir at my church, but I'm aware of the fact that I could probably do solos. I'm too well aware of that fact. The reason I don't ask to sing solos or make it more apparent that I can sing well is because I know how vain I am. I like to sing to praise God; I like to sing because the Lord gives me songs and the grace to sing. My fear is that if I get the chance to stand out too often, I'm going to be tempted to sing to glorify myself. My writing is no different. I fear that if I have success with my writing, I'll be tempted to praise myself instead of God.
The amazing thing about this process of trying to get published is how humbling it is. The Lord is incredibly faithful to humble us if we ask. I've been asking that for the past couple of weeks, and I've been seeing it in many aspects of my life. Working with kids gives me plenty of opportunities to be humble. I can't say I've always been the most humble this past week. Jesus said in Matthew 10 that if you offered a cup of cool water to a little one in His Name, you would not lose your reward. I have lots of opportunities to give cups of cool water to little ones. Sometimes I do it a lot more graciously than others. At the end of the day, I get to reflect on how I treated those kids, and on how much I have to rely on God to be gracious.
I'm also experiencing this humbling in my writing. I've queried about ten agents, and gotten back eight respones. All were rejections. The rejections themselves are not so humbling; they're what is to be expected. What's humbling is that I'm now confronted with the arduous task of assessing the rejections I've received and rewriting the queries I've sent and trying to figure out how and who to send my next queries to--if I'm even ready to do that at all. (Forgive the run-on sentences!) I obviously do not know what I'm doing and need guidance. I need grace. I can't do this on my own.
This brings me to my cry.
Last night, I attempted to start a book that is described as "Christian Fantasy" (Dragonspell by Donita K. Paul). I fell asleep two pages into it, not because it was that boring, but because I was THAT exhausted. I'm actually looking forward to reading more this afternoon. But in the front cover of this book, there are little quotes from other authors giving "praise for Dragonspell." I was reading some of these last night before starting the book, and one quote caught my attention: "No one will ever be able to read this and doubt that Christian fantasy is a viable genre for spreading God's Word." --Christine Lynxwiller (president of American Christian Romance Writers)
Now, I'm still trying to get over a lot of my prejudices against "Christian writers," and so I'm not sure how much I can trust the opinion of someone who is president of a group called the American Christian Romance Writers, but that really is neither here nor there. The important thing is that the quote so moved me last night that I had to pause for a few moments and burst into tears.
I want my writing to elicit that response in people. I want people to read my work and think that it's something that could draw people to God and to the Gospel. I believe that it's not only possible (all things are possible with God), but that the Lord has called me to this very thing. And the cry of my heart is that the Lord would do something big--not with me, but with my writing. The cry of my heart is that He will get the glory for it. The cry of my heart is that lives will be changed because of this work the Lord has given me to do.
And I cry out, begging for your prayers as I try to be faithful to what God has given me to do. I pray that I will only be concerned about what God wants, and not give a second thought to what other people may or may not be thinking. I ask that God will direct me in this uncertain process and this uncertain stage of my life. If there's an agent He wants me to have, He will provide that. If He wants me to market this book towards a more Christian audience, He will reveal that to me and open the doors for that to happen. If He has something else planned that I can't even imagine, then that will happen, too.
I'm learning that trust and obedience live in a completely symbiotic relationship. You can't obey without trusting, and you can't trust without obeying. If I trust God, that's going to be fleshed out through obedience. There are so many things that beg for our time and attention--so many needs to be prayed for. I am still foolish enough to ask that you add this to the many things that you pray for. I ask that you would pray for guidance for me as I seek to trust and obey God. I ask that you would pray that His name be glorified in my writing and my work. I ask that you would pray for the right timing and the right marketing and the right avenue for my writing to make maximum impact on the people God wants to reach.
I don't understand what God is doing, but I understand that He is doing something. I'm not sure if these contractions are the real deal or not. What I do know is that even if it's not time to deliver, God is using this "child" to teach me a lot.
Thank you so much for reading this (I know it was long). Thank you for praying. I am very much a weak fool, and I'm very much in need, but the God I serve is able to provide beyond anything I could ask or imagine. As wild as my imagination is, that's a pretty exciting concept.
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