I'm With Gungor

With all the things circulating in social media lately, one of the things that caught my eye was a controversy over something Christian musician, Michael Gungor, wrote in a post on his blog.  It was a blessing, I believe, that I came across an article from Relevant Magazine addressing the "Gungor issue" before I came across an article from Answers in Genesis that addressed the same issue.

Both of the articles above led me to go read Gungor's blogs for myself.  I read three separate blogs that addressed the issue, the issue being that Gungor doesn't take a literal approach to some of the Biblical accounts in Genesis.  The first blog was entitled "What Do We Believe."  This is the blog that started all the problems, but anyone who has only read the article from Answers in Genesis might have the wrong idea of what Gungor was really saying in the blog.  Anyone who has only read the AIG article might also misunderstand the rationale behind Gungor's second blog on the aforementioned issue, "I'm With You."

Ken Ham's approach was hostile from the start, from the accusatory headline, "Award-Winning Christian Musicians Mock Biblical Creationists."  And if you merely read his article, you might think that's exactly what Gungor (and his wife) were doing.  When I read the blog entry, "I'm With You, " however, it was like I was reading something completely different than what Ken Ham had read.  I didn't see a mocker; I saw a thinker.  I saw someone who had gotten flak from a post (the original "What Do We Believe") that wasn't even about creationism, but rather about being slow to judge others when we don't understand the reasons why they believe what they believe.  Many of those who have read "I'm With You" tend to take Ham's approach, that Gungor was being rude or condescending.  Rather, I think he was defending his beliefs.

I don't want to speak for Gungor, because I don't know him and I'm only vaguely familiar with his music and writing style.  But most people realize that it's hard to say how a person sounds when they're writing--whether they're being hostile or conversational or whatever.  Personally, I don't think Gungor meant to sound like he was mocking anyone.  It seemed to me that he was stating what he believed and why, and he was just doing it in a way that naturally came to him.  He might have been trying to be funny, not because he was flippant about his ideas, but because that's the way he thinks and writes.  And I don't think it's fair that he's being called a mocker simply for defending his beliefs in a way that was natural for him to do so.

When I say "I'm With Gungor," please understand, I'm not at all saying I agree with all of his beliefs.  I think he's wrong on some things, BUT I think it's okay that we don't share all the same beliefs.  I don't think I'll ever meet another human being I agree with on every issue.  What I'm saying when I say, "I'm With Gungor" is that I think the dude has gotten a lot of backlash over something that's really not as big of a deal as many are making it out to be.  I'm not saying it's not important.  I'm saying that it's not so important that we should be giving it this much attention, especially with all the other things going on in the world that deserve our attention.

With that being said, I really wrestled with whether or not I wanted to write this blog.  I think the "Gungor Issue" is overblown, so why would I possibly want to add to the chatter?  Well, aside from the snazzy blog title, this post isn't really so much about Gungor and what he wrote as it is about how the Christian community has responded.  I don't want to talk about Gungor or what he wrote as much as I want to talk about how SCARED I am that people have taken the "Gungor Issue" to the extreme.

This is why it scares me.

1. Too many people are believing something they read ABOUT Gungor instead of actually reading what Gungor actually wrote.

I don't really follow Answers in Genesis or Ken Ham as much as a lot of my Christian friends do.  It's not that I don't agree with him or his ministry--he's just not really on my radar that much.  I don't want to make any judgments about what he writes or does, because honestly, I don't know that much about what he writes or does.  It's not because I have any disrespect for him; I just don't follow him or his teachings that closely.

However, what he has recently written about Gungor might have made me lose a little respect for him, had I had enough of an opinion of him to have respect for him (I don't have disrespect for him; I'm just neutral since I know very little about him).   To read the article from AIG, I would have thought that Gungor was on a mission to corrupt the minds of the youth who listen to his music.  And from some of the conversations I've had about the "Gungor Issue," there are a lot of people who believe just that.  This leads me to a second reason why the Christian response to the "Gungor Issue" scares me.

2. If the Christian community believes that Christian musicians are one of the main sources where young people are getting their theology, well, that's a whole other problem.

This is one of my favorite Rich Mullins quotes:

 It's so funny being a Christian musician. It always scares me when people think so highly of Christian music, Contemporary Christian music especially. Because I kinda go, I know a lot of us, and we don't know jack about anything. Not that I don't want you to buy our records and come to our concerts. I sure do. But you should come for entertainment. If you really want spiritual nourishment, you should go to church...you should read the Scriptures.

I think there are a lot of really amazing Christian musicians.  I have gotten so much encouragement from listening to Christian music, from an old cherished hymn to the newest jam on KLOVE.  I've written several songs myself, and I draw comfort and encouragement from writing Christian songs as well as singing and hearing them.  But Mullins understood that Christian musicians are not supposed to be great theologians.  He knew that they were not supposed to be great role models for others to follow.  That's kind of ironic, because Rich Mullins is one of my role models--mainly because he didn't think or make much of himself, but he made much of God.

But if parents are so concerned that their kids are going to start following the beliefs of the Great Gungor Cult, well, that's problematic because there is no Great Gungor Cult, at least not to my knowledge.  I don't think Gungor is trying to proclaim himself as a great theologian.  Ken Hamm (in the aforementioned AIG article) wrote that: "[Lisa and Michael Gungor] are writing as though they know more than people who have spent their lives studying the inerrancy of Scripture."

Actually, Michael Gungor was simply stating his beliefs in his personal blog.  I find Ham's above statement to be a little outrageous, and more than a little unfair.  Apparently, it's not okay to say what you believe if you're a fairly well-known Christian who has opinions that are different from the accepted norm.  That's all he was doing.  He was writing his thoughts in his personal blog, not publishing a manifest he expected everyone to agree with.  Does that mean he shouldn't have people disagree with him and offer rebuttal?  No, of course there's going to be disagreements and rude internet comments from strangers.  That's what happens when anyone has an opinion on anything these days.  I just think the extreme to which Ham took his response was unfair, especially since HE is in a position of influence.

And parents, if you think your kids are going to start believing or mimicking any old wackadoo thing a Christian musician says or does, then that's saying something about your parenting.  That's saying something about how you've taught or not taught them in the Scripture.  Theology begins at home.  Not in the Church.  AT HOME.  And then Church.  If you don't trust your children enough to make informed decisions about what they're going to believe, then that isn't Michael Gungor's fault.  If anything, he was saying (especially in "I'm With You--Part 2") that we need to actively think about what we believe.  We need to question our faith.  Otherwise, how will we ever know what we believe?  He wasn't trying to lead anyone astray.

Yet, it seems that everyone is going crazy, afraid that Gungor is going to play his guitar and lead all the children away like some modern day Pied Piper.

We. are. going. too. far.

Teach your children to study the Bible.  Teach your children to be discerning.  Pray for your children. Chances are that when they're older, they aren't going to be led astray by something as simple as a blog post by a Christian musician.

And don't get carried away every time a well-known Christian says something controversial.

3. People are getting carried away every time a well-known Christian says something controversial.  AND THE WORLD IS WATCHING.

This is what scares me the most.  Some of my non-Christian friends have been watching this "Gungor Issue" unfold.  And I'm embarrassed.  I'm so, so embarrassed.

Why?  Because I've been trying to communicate to them and show them for years that Christians aren't the intolerant people they want to assume we are.  Because I've been trying to break down the walls between us, the walls built because they've seen too many Christians act without love, without consideration of another person's ideas.  Because I've been trying to show them that Christians can use their brains and form their own opinions and not just blindly follow what someone else says about another person or an issue.  And the Christian response to this issue has shown them exactly the opposite.

I'm not saying we have to agree with Gungor.  We don't.  We absolutely don't.  But in the past three days, I've seen people say the most ridiculous things about a man they don't know.

"I've never heard of Gungor before, but I'm boycotting him from now on."

And my non-Christian friends are seeing yet another example of how Christians shut out anything that makes them uncomfortable.  And, side note, it's not really boycotting if you weren't actively supporting something before.  Nothing changes if you're "boycotting" something you'd never heard of before.

"Gungor isn't a real Christian."

And my non-Christian friends are seeing yet another example of how Christians judge without taking the time to understand.  And, another side note, it's not our place to say that someone is a Christian or not.  That's between him and God.  I could say more on my thoughts on his apparent Christianity, but in the end, it doesn't matter.  It's between him and God.

"Gungor doesn't believe in the Bible."
"Gungor thinks he's better than everyone else."
"Gungor is leading people astray."
"Gungor is undermining the authority of God."
"Gungor steps on kittens."

Okay, I might have made that last one up, but the thing is, the overall response to the "Gungor Issue" is too much.  It's just too much.

I am not saying we shouldn't speak up when we disagree with someone, especially over a matter that we deem important.  I think it's important, but I do recognize that there are a lot of people who find this issue a lot more important than I do.  If that's you, I don't want to disregard you.  I don't want to disregard your feelings.

But here's the thing.  When we are fighting to show the world that we're not intolerant, as so many in the world truly believe us to be, then how does it look when we flat out attack someone for saying something we disagree with?  Or do we only have to be tolerant to non-Christians because we want to show Jesus' love to them?  Should we not also show love and grace and understanding to fellow Christians (even if some don't believe he really is a Christian--especially for those some who don't believe he really is a Christian)?

Tolerance isn't what the world thinks it is, okay?  The world says tolerance means we have to agree with everyone about everything, or otherwise, we're intolerant.  But here's what I've seen in this "Gungor Issue" that scares me, that makes me absolutely sick to my stomach.  I'm seeing Christians act with TRUE intolerance.  We've become like the rest of the world, the ones who say, "You disagree with me, so I must disassociate with you."

When we take our ideas to the extreme and start treating a (supposed) fellow Christian like an outcast because he said something we don't like, what does that look like to the world?  Can we not disagree with someone without going crazy?  Can we not say, "Your understanding of Scripture is wrong, and here's why" without attacking a person instead of just addressing his ideas?

This is a quote from the aforementioned article from Relevant Magazine:

...as Christians we tend to act like we have a belief system that is like a bubble: It is fragile and easily popped if anything even touches any part of it. We think we have to protect our bubble.
But when did the Christian faith become so fragile? It is OK to ask the tough questions, to question our beliefs to find them to be true (and if not true to find the truth God is revealing to us).

I'm embarrassed and I'm scared because I'm afraid this "Gungor Issue" has revealed just how fragile the Christian faith might have become--at least to the eyes of those in the world who are watching.  And the world is watching.  

I'm not sure what the solution is, but I'm hoping next time something like this happens (because it's going to happen), the Christian community will respond with a little less crazy and a lot more love.  We need to still be WITH the ones we disagree with.  

Impatient Patience

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12 NASB

It is perhaps a mark of faith to have the audacity to pray for patience. It is definitely an act of stupidity to pray for patience a second time.

I know that from experience.

Because God rarely, if ever, just offers anyone something as complex as patience on a silver platter. God grows patience in us by giving us situations, often trials, that make us wait.

Despite my stupid requests for patience, I'm still not as patient as I'd like to be. I'm not about to pray for more patience, though. I don't think I'm ready for more painful situations that make me wait. In fact, I still think I'm still dealing with some waiting from the LAST time I prayed for patience. 

Which, for the record, was over ten years ago.

Ah. There. Now you're getting it.

About six or seven years ago, when I was definitely in the midst of a painful waiting period, I said something that made my friends roll their eyes. They thought I was being cute or stupid, but I was serious. I was very serious. And at the time, I couldn't find anyone who could understand what I meant.

This is what I said:

"It's not that I'm impatient; I've just gotten really tired of waiting."

I got some condescending head nods and, "Riiiiight"s in response, and I can understand why. In their experiences, impatience was just an unwillingness to wait. But when someone has been patiently waiting for something for awhile, is hard to persevere.

I couldn't find counsel. I just found people who thought I was being ridiculous-not worthy of being taken seriously. And, you know, that's okay, because even then I realized that being relatively alone in my struggle was part of the ordeal God wanted me to endure.

But in the middle of that waiting, I came up with a cheesy acronym. It helped me through the really hard times, and it has served as a reminder over the years.

W.A.I.T.

Waiting always involves trust.

It's never easy to wait, whatever it is we're waiting for. Whether it's one of my preschoolers waiting for me to give him a cracker or it's me waiting to get some direction career-wise. But if my preschooler knows I love him and want the best for him, then he should trust that I'll give him what he needs. And if I believe God loves me and wants the best for me, then I should trust Him to provide for me.

The thing is, it's one thing for me to say something like that in a blog. Readers can nod their heads and agree that God is good and we should trust Him. Hooray! Everything is wonderful.

Except...sometimes it's not.

Because sometimes saints pray, and results aren't easy or quick to see. Sometimes young women pray for God to bring them a husband and children, children they desperately want and don't feel quite complete without, and yet those women grow old without seeing dreams fulfilled. Sometimes young men pray that temptations will be taken from them, yet they still struggle. Sometimes single moms pray that God will provide jobs and living situations that will give their children some kind of stability, and yet things don't work out. Sometimes beautiful people want to get out and serve others, but their health won't allow them to, even after they have prayed and prayed for healing. Sometimes a mother earnestly prays for salvation for her prodigal child, enduring every act of rebellion with a new crashing wave of pain, and never sees any sign of change.

And the world, even the Christian world, sometimes ESPECIALLY the Christian world, looks at these people and say, "They must be doing something wrong. God must be punishing them," or "They must not have much faith."

Or they just ignore them completely.

The fact is, I know a lot of patient people who have grown tired of being patient. They aren't impatient; they're EXHAUSTED. And a pithy word of "encouragement" isn't going to bring healing. It seems that Christians just want to slap Spiritual band-aids on wounds that require extensive healing.

If a person has been praying, waiting for a fulfilled hope, a healed illness or injury, a solution to a serious problem, then believe me, a platitude or Scripture reference isn't going to do anything but frustrate. The person who has waited doesn't need you to tell him or her to be more patient or trusting or godly or whatever.

He or she needs rest.

And there is only so much that we can do for those who have been waiting. We can fill some practical needs, but we can't fix everything.

Sometimes we think we have to fix everything. So we say things to cheer people up, things that don't work and often have the opposite effect. We try to downplay problems. We try to act like everything will be okay, when we really don't have a clue what the other person is going through.

Honestly, sometimes there just isn't anything we can do. We can just pray. We can just wait. We can just let the person who has been waiting and praying that he or she isn't praying and waiting alone. We can let him or her know it's okay to hurt, it's okay to be angry sometimes, it's okay to even doubt a little.

Because patience is hard, and it's even harder when you have to go through it alone.

Sometimes all people need is a hand to hold in the darkness--not a hand that will lead them, but just to let them know they're not in the darkness alone . You don't have to have all the answers; you just have to be there.

And sometimes when you come beside someone in the darkness, God will show up, too. All the problems might not be solved, deep pain might continue.

But for that moment, there is rest. There is a chance for the waiting person to breathe, to remember in Whom he or she places trust...

And there is strength and grace to wait again.

Be slow to judge, quick to listen, eager to love.

And keep your Spiritual band-aids in your pocket. Chances are, they won't be needed.

Like  one who takes off a garment on a cold day,  or like  vinegar on soda,
Is he who sings songs to a troubled heart.
Proverbs 25:20 NASB

How God Ruined (and Keeps Ruining) My Life

Sometimes, I inadvertently make good Southern Baptists really nervous.  It's because I'm not a good Southern Baptist, or really a Southern Baptist at all, though I've always gone to Southern Baptist churches.  I'm a Christian, and I hope to be a good one, but that's as far as I like to be labeled about such things.  People have argued with me that if I don't have a denominational label, like "Southern Baptist," then people aren't going to know what I believe.  Well, I argue back that if I call myself a "Southern Baptist," people STILL won't know what I believe.  I do believe most of the things that good Southern Baptists would claim to believe, but I'm a Christian.  If you want to know more about what I believe, a label isn't going to tell you.  I could call myself a "Southern Baptist" and believe that pink monkeys in sailor suits grant my wishes every time I pray.  The only thing that will help you know what I believe is asking me questions and getting to know me--or reading my blog, since I explain myself better in writing than I do in speech.

One thing I don't think I've ever really liked about good Southern Baptists is that most of them stress the importance of having a "personal testimony."  I understand what the point and purpose is, and I know that a lot of people will respond to a personal experience more easily than they would respond to Scripture.  My problem isn't that I don't think "personal testimonies" are important, but I never really understood what they were supposed to be. 

Some people have really awesome "personal testimonies" that are easy to tell.  "I was a drug addict for seventeen years, lost my job and custody of my four kids, was at the end of my rope and ready to just give up on life...BUT THEN I FOUND JESUS!  Now I have an awesome job, contact with my kids, and I haven't touched drugs or alcohol in years.  But most importantly, Jesus has saved my soul and I have hope of living with Him forever!"

I'm not making light of those testimonies.  They're amazing.  I've heard of so many wonderful stories of how God has changed lives, and God is using those changed lives to change the lives of others.  It's a beautiful thing.

Far too often, though, I hear a testimony that is a lot like I think mine is supposed to sound.  "I was raised in church every time the doors were open.  I was 'saved' as a child.  I fell away in my teenage years, but God got a hold of me.  Now I'm living every day for Him."

There's also nothing wrong with those testimonies.  God uses them, too.  I just think they're boring.  And they kind of make me feel like salvation is a thing of the past.

You wanna know something that will make good Southern Baptists shudder?  I don't know when I became a Christian.  I "walked forward" the day after my ninth birthday and told a minister that I'd accepted Christ.  I was baptized a week later, on Easter Sunday.

I didn't become a Christian at the age of nine.  It was before then, though I'm not exactly sure when.  I remember being afraid of hell and of demons.  I remember lying awake in bed at night and knowing I wasn't alone.  I remember wanting with all my heart to believe in God.  And I don't think there was some kind of "sinner's prayer" or grand change in my life.  I think that my salvation was something as simple as slipping my hand into the Hand that was extended towards me.  The action was so simple that I don't remember when it happened.

God had been pursuing me all my life, in a way I couldn't ignore.  Though I was a little hellion as a toddler (okay, and after I was a toddler, too...and okay, when I was a teenager...and right now), I can't remember my life without Christ.  He's always been a major part of it.  So, as uncomfortable as it makes good Southern Baptists to hear this, I kind of believe that, in a way, I've always been a Christian.  I wasn't born free of the curse of sin.  I wasn't sinless.  I didn't come out of the womb professing my faith in Christ.  But God has had His hand on me all my life.  I can't ignore that fact, or what it means...but more about that in just a bit.

What I just wrote is not my "personal testimony."  See, I've learned that my testimony isn't so much about how I've become a Christian.  I can't remember that.  I can't remember the moment when I slipped my hand into God's Hand.  All I know is that He's never let go.

Did I fall away from faith?  I don't know.  I guess so, but not really.  In my early teenage years, I certainly worried more about my own image than I did about representing Christ.  I was slightly more solid in my faith in my middle teenage years.  But then, when I was nineteen, I became an atheist for 10 minutes.

I couldn't feel God.  I was suffering from my first real bout of seasonal depression (but I didn't know what it was then--I just thought I was literally going crazy).  My friends at the time were not the best influences or encouragers, though I'm not blaming them.  It was a season God wanted me to walk through, but He didn't leave me there. 

I was in the tree house in my backyard, praying.  And I had just had enough of everything.  So I told God, "I just can't believe in You anymore."  And I sat there, wondering what to do in my new found lack of faith.  The funny thing was, I wanted to pray about it, and I had to remind myself that I didn't believe I had anyone to pray to.  I had no idea how not to believe in God.  After a few minutes, my eyes fell upon one of my journals.  I opened it up to a random page.  There was a poem I'd written while watching the sunset a few nights before.  I recognized my handwriting.  I remembered the occasion when I wrote down the words.  But I didn't recognize a single word from the poem.  And the Holy Spirit said, "I wrote this.  Read the words, because I wrote them through you."  It was a simple poem of praise.  I hadn't written it.  The One who wrote it was the God whose Hand was still heavy upon me.

Having God's Hand upon me is a curious thing.  It means I'm protected.  It means I'm guided.  It means I belong to God.

It also means that my life doesn't belong to me, anymore.  Not that it ever really did....

I was such a horrid little toddler because I always wanted my way.  I was a horrid child because I wanted my way.  I was a horrid teenager because I wanted my way.  And sometimes I really am a horrid adult because all I really want is to have my own way.

But I can't.  I can't because God isn't really all that interested in giving me what I want--especially not right when I want it.  God fulfills my needs.  God gives me more than I deserve.  But God doesn't cater to me and my demands, but He demands that I regard Him as holy.  And sometimes that's really hard to do, but I have to--because His hand is upon me.

And because His hand is upon me, because I'm dependent upon His guidance, I'm in a fearful place.  I have all the blessings of Christ, but it as C. S. Lewis wrote "...He's not a tame lion..."  It's hard to trust in God's provision and strength in the darkness.  Because even if God is able, that doesn't mean He has to give me what I want.  Because even if God is good, that doesn't mean He won't lead me to something that is incredibly difficult.  Because even if God is merciful, that doesn't mean He won't lead me to something that hurts me immensely.  Because even if God is strong, that doesn't mean He won't lead me to something that might even cost me my life. 

...not that my life was ever mine anyway.  That's such a hard lesson to learn.  Thankfully, I have a patient, loving Teacher who has experienced all the beauty and strife of humanity (yet was without sin).

But that's my testimony, isn't it?  It's not that "one big moment" where I chose to give my life over to Christ.  It's the thousands of little moments where I still choose to give my life over to Christ.  It's when I'm still the child in the darkness, afraid of demons, afraid of the unknown, but still knowing I'm not alone.  It's when I have all the things I want to do and I want to have and I want to be, but I hear the still small Voice telling me that I belong to Him.  It's when I still make the choice and reach up to take the Hand that's been extended to me--and walk, one step at a time, into whatever He leads me to.

God loves me, but He's not interested in my way.  And I'm pretty sure that my way leads to destruction anyway.  His way, the only way, leads to life.  I might have to lose my life in order to find it in Him, I might have to lose the world in order to gain my soul.  It's not a bad trade off, in theory, though it hurts like crazy in practice. 

But at the end of the day, all I can do is be thankful that God wants my ruined life for His glory.  All I can do is be in awe and wonder of a God who can take someone as selfish and simple as me and give me a purpose beyond anything I could ask or imagine.  All I can do is worship the God whose grace is so complete that it not only provides a way out of the monotony of working on things that I think will bring me glory, but allows me to come alongside God in the work that He is doing to bring Himself glory.  All I can do is be amazed that the Creator of the universe loves and wants me.  It's unbelievable.

Yet I am not able to not believe it.
I've never been not able to believe it.

And the One who reached His hand to me in my childhood--He's still holding on. 

That's where my true, my only Hope rests.  My ruined life?  It belongs to the One who has redeemed it.

That's my testimony.

Sunday Sum-Up: Asking

"I'm sure Aslan would have, if you'd asked him," said Fledge. 
"Wouldn't he know without being asked," said Polly.
"I've no doubt he would," said the Horse....  "But I've sort of an idea he likes to be asked."
   -From The Magician's Nephew by C. S. Lewis

My nephew's fifth birthday is this week.  Also, three of my cousins are turning seven.  This week.  And that's first cousins, mind you.  I also have a first cousin that's about to turn one next month, which means that he is more than thirty years younger than I am.  Which is awesome.  Also, next weekend, my grandfather is getting married, which is also awesome. 

My financial state is always precarious, so I reasoned that I would not be able to make a trip to Kentucky next weekend for these multiple celebrations.  But I really wanted to be there.  I really felt like I should be there.  And if something like this had happened a few months ago, I'm not sure I would have been prepared to handle it in the way that I'm handling it.

I started praying, asking God to make it possible for me to go to Kentucky next weekend.  In the past, a few things would have prevented me from making such a request of the Lord.  I would have reasoned that this was a selfish request.  I would have doubted that God would be willing to grant me a selfish request.  I would have concluded that it was pointless for me to even ask God for something selfish.  I would have concluded that God already knew what I wanted, so if He wanted to give it to me, He would. 

And while I still believe that when God blesses us, it's so that we can be a blessing to others, I don't know that my past attitudes were right.  Selfish requests aren't always impure.  I mean, I find myself praying, "Dear Lord, please let the Cardinals win the World Series."  While I wish that my motives for such a prayer were, "I want the Cardinals to win so that Albert Pujols will have an even greater testimony of Your faithfulness so that he can continue to spread Your fame with renewed vigor," I really just kinda sorta want the Cards to win because I want the Cards to win.  And maybe that kind of request isn't too pure.

But going home next weekend will mean a lot to me.  I haven't seen my nephew or nieces, my mom and dad, my sister, brother, and brother-in-law, or my grandfather since May.  I haven't seen most of my extended family since last Christmas.  These are important celebrations that I want to experience, celebrate, remember.  My family means a lot to me, and I don't want to wait until this Christmas to see them--when I will only hear about the celebrations I missed.  I want to be there. 

And with the work that God has been doing in my life over the past several months, I was able to say, "You know what, I have absolutely nothing to lose by asking for this."  And I started praying, asking that God would enable me to go see my family this upcoming weekend.  He knew I wanted to go.  He knew I couldn't afford it on my own.  He knew all of these things, but He wanted to be asked.

I am reading in Luke right now, and in Luke 11, the disciples ask Jesus how to pray.  Jesus' immediate response is to give them the Lord's prayer.  I guess in my mind, that's always where the cut off was.  "Okay.  Check.  Got it.  The Lord's prayer is how we should pray.  "Father, Hallowed be Thy Name....'"  That's not where Jesus really ends, though.  After saying what we now know as "The Lord's Prayer," Jesus went into a parable about a man who went to his neighbor at midnight and asked for bread so that he could feed a visitor.  Jesus concluded that the neighbor wouldn't give the man anything because of their friendship, but he would give him all he needed because of the man's persistence. 

And then Jesus tells us to ask.  "Ask, and it will be given.  Seek, and you will find.  Knock, and the door will be opened."  I don't think Jesus was at all commanding us to treat God like Santa Claus.  He wasn't saying, "When you pray, just bring God your 'Christmas list' and He'll get you a shiny new fire truck that lights up, makes noise, and squirts real water."  Prayer isn't about asking for stuff as much as it's a means to align our own hearts with God's heart.  But I think I'd forgotten that God really does want us to bring the desires of our heart to Him.  That doesn't mean He'll always say yes, but if we don't ask, how can we ever expect to receive?  It takes faith to ask, which is probably why God wants us to ask.

And after I started praying for God to provide a way home, a wonderful, generous family offered to pay for a rental car for my trip. 

And then the day after I reserved the rental car, I had to take my own car into the shop (it's in no condition to make a trip to KY and back) to get my brakes fixed.  This is going to sound weird, but God told me to get my brakes fixed.  I was going to wait on it until after this trip, but apparently it was time to do it now.  So I did it.  And getting my brakes fixed (along w/ an oil change and new wiper blades) cost me about what I pay in rent.  So I'm not sure how I'm going to pay my rent next month.  And maybe going on a trip to KY doesn't seem like a really great idea all of the sudden, but I have already reserved the rental car.  I've already made plans.  I'm going...even if I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for everything.

God knows my situation.  God knows everything that's going on around it.  While I'm thoughtful and aware of the situation, I'm really not at all worried about it.  I'm just asking Him to provide, and I am confident that He will.  In the meantime, I'm having my faith stretched, which is an added benefit to everything.

SEW Sunday: Still Learning

(SEW Sunday is when I rant about discuss what's going on with the queries I'm supposed to be SENDING, the manuscripts I'm supposed to be EDITING, and the stuff I'm currently WRITING...but it's usually just where I talk about what I should be doing and am not doing)

I was talking with a good friend last night about how I kind of dread SEW Sunday blogs.  Why?  Because most weeks I don't do anything worth speaking of, so by the time Sunday rolls around, I have nothing to actually report.  This week is no exception.

My completed and polished manuscript is in the hands of one of my fellow writer friends.  I'm still working on some songs and working up the courage to go record them.  I did read over a rough manuscript I wrote over a year ago--it doesn't need much editing--but it's a companion to another book that needs a LOT of editing before I can even think about trying to sell it.  So yeah.  In other words, I haven't been doing much.

And one of the things my friend and I talked about last night was that feeling that we should be doing more--more BIG things...more more more.  I understand what she was talking about, but I'm not sure it all relates the same way to my life.  Balance is incredibly hard for me.  I've always struggled with it. 

Right now, the big struggle in my life is figuring out how much of following God is grace/faith/trust and how much is action.  I am writing because it's something God's given me to do--I have a HUGE passion for it that pretty much consumes my sanity and everything else.  I can't not write.  And I want my writing to be something that honors God.  So when I'm not writing as much as I think I should be writing, it's easy to get myself into this guilt trap.  I start basing everything on how much work I'm doing for God.

That's not the right attitude to have.  I'm not doing anything for God.  God doesn't need me.  The world needs another novel like I need another crazy Dragon-Muse.  But God wants me to write, and there's value in that because HE'S doing something.  My frequent attitude is: "What am I doing for God?"  My attitude should be something more like: "What is God doing through me?" 

I keep going around in circles and keep coming back to the same conclusion that I'm just a weak fool whom God has chosen to shame the strong and the wise.  And His timing isn't my timing.  Could I be doing more?  Absolutely.  I should be doing more.  But I should be doing more because God's working in me, not because I'm vainly trying to work for God.

I put the cart before the horse and end up not getting anywhere.

So I'm still learning to balance.  It's a work in progress, and I'm a work in progress.  One thing I'm also learning is that the more work you put into something, the better it becomes.  So while I'm waiting and hopefully working (for the right reasons) on what God has given me to do, making it better...

...well, God's doing the same thing in me.  Oh, this process of perfection...so wonderful, so mysterious.

But yeah.  I hope I actually have something worth reporting next week.

SEW Sunday: Help

(SEW Sundays are where I rant about discuss what's going on with the queries I am SENDING to agents, my EDITING, and my WRITING.)


So my Boot Camp week went very well in some ways.  I stuck closer to my diet than I originally intended...and if I exercise tonight the way I plan, I'll have burned 2500 calories in exercise-related activities this week.  Sure, some crazy people burn that much in one workout, but 1) I don't have that much time, and 2) I'm a pansy.  I've not lost all the weight that I gained back, but I'm not particularly worried about it.  I'll get there.

And why am I talking about weight loss and exercise and calories when I'm supposed to be talking about queries and editing and writing?  Because I'm avoiding the truth that I've done like nothing in that area this week.  Nada. 

And I'm not particularly ashamed of myself.  This week, as most weeks do, turned out busier than I anticipated.  Sure, I wasted some of the free time I did have.  I'm still trying to kick a little of my apathy.  Or maybe it's not apathy so much as it's fear. 

One really good thing in my writing world did happen this week.  On Friday, I went out to lunch with a fellow novelist who is trying to sell her books.  (You can read her funny funny blog here...and be sure to subscribe to it, because you'll want to keep reading!).  She's a lot further than I am in the process, so it was helpful to get to chat with her and glean a little from her experiences.  I have a feeling I'm going to be asking her a lot of questions as I continue my own journey into the insanity of trying to get published.  She wants to read my first book, so I need to do another run-through/edit and make sure it's ready by Sunday.  That gives me a deadline.  Someone like me NEEDS deadlines sometimes.  ...okay...MOST of the time.  And hopefully she can help me with my synopsis, because I'm pretty much like a lost puppy when it comes to that thing. 

What I'm about to say might sound like another excuse and/or cop-out, and maybe it is another excuse and/or cop-out.  I am starting to realize that while, YES, I should be working towards my goals a lot harder than I am, maybe taking my time in this matter is not a bad thing.  I mean, my life's dream is to be a published writer (preferably a best-selling one...with a Newbery medal...but right now I'd settle for a foot in the door).  I can't afford to rush into things too much.  Yes, there's something to be said for taking chances and risks.  Sometimes that works out for some people, but I don't think it's the norm.  And honestly, it's not my style.

I think my book is good.  I also think the other two books I've completed are good (though I need to get my act together and start seriously editing them).  The writing and editing process was hard, and I didn't always know what I was doing, but eventually I learned.  And I'm still learning.  But now I have to learn how to make someone else interested enough in my books to want to try to help me sell them.  And that's the hardest step yet.  Even after all the research I've done, I don't really know what I"m doing.  I need help.  And right now, I feel as though the Lord is leading me to seek that help. 

Unfortunately, this means more waiting.  The thing is, while I'm waiting, I can't afford to keep being idle.  There is editing to be done on projects that aren't ready to be sold.  Even if I HATE my synopsis and need help with it, I can still work on it.  I can research agents. 

Turns out, writing is just like everything else in life.  I've got to learn to balance faith and deeds.  I know I'm not the one in control.  I'm not the one directing my own steps.  And I don't always know exactly what step is coming next.  I like to know what step to take next.  If I had my way, the entire course of this would be plotted out for me so that I could see what I need to do and right when I need to do it.  God knows this. 

God doesn't give me what I want.  He does, however, give me everything that I need.  So I can't see what's going to happen or when it's going to happen.  Sometimes He waits till the last minute to show me what to do, and sometimes He doesn't show me what action I'm supposed to take at all--and I just have to walk in faith and trust that He's not going to lead me astray.  And right now, as always, I know the basic things I should be doing.  In life, it's reading His word, following His commands, seeking His face, showing love to others.  Even when we don't know what we're supposed to do in the grand scheme of life, we know the little things we should be doing from day to day.  In writing, I know I should be working on different things, even if I don't know all the little details of what I need to do next. 

So I guess that my prayer for this week is that I'll JUST DO SOMETHING and trust the Lord while I'm doing it.  And if life gets in the way (as it often does), I won't allow myself to feel bad about those things.  Because while I'm working waiting for this writing stuff to happen, there's a lot of life to live. 

Faith

I've been reading Hebrews for the past couple of days.  I came across "The Faith Chapter" (Hebrews 11) today.  I've read this passage several times before, but I noticed something today that I'd never really paid attention to until now.  It was convicting.

I've been so apathetic for the past few weeks.  Maybe it's because I've been SO busy that I've just needed rest, but when I've had free time (and I've had a lot more than usual lately), I've not used it wisely.  I've done completely unproductive activities...if you can even call them "activities."  Part of me is just waiting for a time when I'll get bored of it and snap out of it, and part of me is scared I won't get bored of it and won't snap out of it. 

In the past, I've been motivated because of my dreams and plans for my future.  Right now, that's not even working.  I would like to be a published author, but at the moment I'm doing nothing to get to that point.  And I don't even seem to care about it.  The end result doesn't seem worth any effort to me right now.  And that's not okay.  Laziness is not okay.  I'm wondering if I'm acting this way because I don't want to put forth the effort for something I think is going to fail.

How many times to I need to remind myself that God has given me these stories to write?  How many times do I need to remind myself that I don't have to do a thing besides be faithful with what He's given me?  But the thing is, I'm not faithful.  Not like those people in Hebrews 11.

Do you know what I noticed about all of those Biblical characters listed in Hebrews 11?  They all DID something.  They all ACTED on their faith.  Some of them had some pretty big things to do.  Some of these things didn't make a whole lot of sense by human understanding.  I'd list them, but they're already listed in Scripture.  The people in Hebrews 11 didn't just believe, they put action to their faith...and God did remarkable things through them.  They understood that "faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen."  When you have faith, you are expectant. 

I've not been very expectant lately.

So the question I ask myself now is, "Do I believe God enough to act out my faith--even and perhaps especially when the things I've been given to do don't make a lot of sense?"

I still get the skepticism (even though I get way more encouragement--thank you to all my wonderful friends and family) about my desire to write/sell books.  It's not a practical thing to do.  Unless I luck out like Stephenie Meyer, I'm not going to be able to make a decent living even if I DO manage to sell my books.  And maybe all these little voices, all the skeptics, are convincing me that I shouldn't even try.  Or that it's not worth the effort. 

When am I going to learn that all things are possible with God?  When am I going to believe that He is good, able, and loving--that He's got plans for me that are so beyond what I can ask or imagine?  If I believe Him, I'm going to act on those beliefs.  I'm going to try without fearing failure--because He's in control whether I fail or succeed. 

Everything that comes my way is filtered by grace. 

If only I had the faith to believe that day after day...

Maybe I'm getting there.  I know I'm closer than I've been before.  Why?  Because God is faithful whether I am or not.

Chosen

One of the biggest issues I've had with my own writing is not knowing whether or not I want to be identified as a Christian writer.  I am a Christian.  I am a writer.  That doesn't automatically make me a "Christian writer."

When I first started getting serious about writing books, I absolutely knew I did NOT want to be known as a Christian writer.  It's mainly because I've not read a whole lot of good Christian fiction, but also because I really have reservations about writing books that probably only Christians will read.  I've read some decent Christian fiction in the last few months, and I've given some thought to what I want to do.  I haven't come to any solid conclusions...because as you might have gathered, I'm just a TAD bit indecisive.

The thing is, I am starting to think I won't have to make a decision.  I can't seem to help keeping my Christian ideals out of my writing.  Some writers who are Christians don't have a problem with this.  They can keep their writing lives separate from their beliefs, and I can't judge them at all for it.  In fact, I'm a little jealous.  It must be nice to just be able to separate writing from life like that.  I'm not able to do it...and I know I'd be doing something detrimental to my writing if I tried. 

I am not one of those Christians who can tell you the exact day I became a Christian.  I can't tell you exactly how old I was.  I can't tell even really talk about what my life was like before Christ, because as long as I remember, the Lord has been pursuing me.  I do know that I originally wanted to be a Christian because I was afraid of hell.  That's a pretty lame reason, but God used that to eventually build a strong faith that isn't just a part of my life.  It is my life.  That's not to say I'm perfect or always make decisions based on what I think God wants me to do.  I fail.  I fail a LOT.  But I can't deny His constant presence guiding everything in my life--including my writing.

I'm not a "five point Calvinist."  I'm not sold on this predestination stuff.  But as far as I'm concerned, I think He's chosen me.  I know the Lord has wanted me since childhood.  It's not because I'm good or worthy.  In fact, the Lord knows better than I do that I'm a weak, foolish, cowardly sinner who's only able to do anything good because of the goodness He's done in me.  I'm not all that useful, but He wants to use me anyway.  I don't know why.  I don't know why He has chased me so hard or given me so much, but I know that because He has, much is expected of me. 

That's not why I think that I'm going to end up being a Christian writer.  I'm not trying to give something back.  I'm not trying to be anything.  I just am what I am.  And I think what I am is...a Christian writer.

Sometimes, I have to make a choice.  Sometimes, it chooses me.  I think I'm going to end up being a Christian writer because I don't really have the choice to be anything else.  I think every time I put pen to paper, something "me-breathed" is going to come out.  And because God is so present in my life, that "me-breathed" stuff is going to be a reflection of God's breath.

I just pray they're not all poor reflections.

Learning the Impossible

Life can change in a heartbeat.

I was actually starting to get a little ahead on my finances, when BOOM goes the dynamite--I found out I'm NOT getting that tax refund I was expecting. Not even close. Rather, I found out on Friday that I'm having to pay a significant amount to both the Federal and NC governments. It's not as much as it could be, I suppose, but it's a pretty hefty amount. As it turns out, having three jobs pushed me into a little bit of a higher tax bracket. The problem is, since I have three jobs, each separate job was only taking into account the money I was making for that particular job. Long story short, only one of my jobs withheld any money. I have to pay A LOT back to the IRS. I don't have A LOT of money to pay back to the IRS.

My first reaction was utter disbelief and denial. I was expecting refund. How could this happen? I got a refund LAST year and one of my jobs didn't withhold anything. There must be something wrong. So I immediately went and tried to do my taxes on another program. Same result. So I slowly shifted to the state of denial to the state of "Oh crap. I'm going to have to sell a kidney to pay my taxes."

This DOES have something to do with my writing. This has something to do with a lot of different areas of my life. In fact, it has a lot to do with something I wrote about in my last entry. As a Christian, I believe that nothing is impossible with God. The problem is, I don't always believe it as much as I should--I don't believe it completely. I don't always get that knowledge to move from the back of my mind to something firm that I can believe and live out in my faith. I want control. Often, I think I have control. The truth is, I don't have control and never did.

Because life can change in a heartbeat. I can go from foolishly thinking I have it all together to knowing that I don't have anything. Everything I do have is a gift.

The last thing I said in my previous entry was: "And here's...where I remind myself of something that is impossible for me to grasp: Nothing is impossible with God. If I can ever wrap my brain around that, I guess anything will be possible." In other words, it's impossible for me to believe that nothing is impossible. But God is teaching me, and I'm learning. I'm learning that nothing is impossible with God--and since I'm learning that, He's already shown me that He can do the impossible, by teaching me to believe that nothing is impossible through Him.

Hmm. I'm not sure it's possible to understand what I just wrote, but I hope it makes sense.

I first started thinking about that yesterday afternoon. And God did something else that I thought was impossible. He changed my attitude completely. I was still in the stage of "Oh crap! I'm going to have to sell a kidney to pay my taxes," but God moved me to a completely other stage. It was one I couldn't have expected or even believed, but He did it.

I'm now in the stage of thankfulness. I'm in the stage of absolute, amazing, knock-me-to-the-floor gratitude. Why? Because this is something the Lord wants me to go through. This is something He has given me, just like all the other gifts. I guess it's weird to think of financial trouble as a gift, but I'm weird, okay. And God is weird (sorry if that offends you, but if you really think about it, He is pretty strange).

The Lord has given me this situation for reasons I don't yet know, but I'm already seeing some of those reasons. Apparently, I've been under the illusion that I am in control. God pulled that rug out from under me. I'm not in control. I never was in control. One thing I've learned, the Lord is faithful to humble those who ask for it--and I asked for it. I'm overwhelmingly grateful that the Lord loves me enough to give me something that will make me more like Him--to make me more aware that I belong to Him. He's jealous. He won't let me go. He won't let me delude myself in thinking that I'm the main character of my life story--it's not even my story. It's His. He's writing it, and He's writing it for His glory.And this chapter right here is one for which I'm extremely grateful.

I've still got a lot to learn, obviously. It's hard to remember my ultimate goal. It's hard to remember that life is about glorifying Him instead of myself. It's hard to let go of all the control I think I have (though I never really had it).

What does letting go of control even look like? I don't know, but I think it might possibly look like getting over this fear of sending queries. It might possibly look like me taking a few chances by just WRITING instead of trying to have all my proverbial ducks in a row before I start.

One thing it definitely looks like is trust. Letting go of anxiety. Believing that life is more than what I will eat or drink or wear. I honestly have no idea how I'm going to pay my taxes. One thing I do know, it's going to be okay. It's going to be fine. If I end up living on the streets in a cardboard box, I'm going to be just fine. (But I really don't think it's going to come to that. In fact, I don't think I'm even going to have to miss any meals.)

I learned about this tax thing on Friday. Yesterday, Saturday, just one day later, God completely overwhelmed me by giving me this grateful attitude (sorry, I just CAN'T bring myself to say "attitude of gratitude"). It's nothing I could muster up myself. The Lord has done this impossible thing through me. I know He's going to do more. I believe He's doing something in me right now that's preparing me for things further down the road. Those things might have something to do with having published books, or they might not.

But I'm going to be okay.

By the way, I just have to brag on my God some more. Last night, I babysat--long story short I ended up babysitting for kids in three separate families. All of them paid me and they paid me well. The extra babysitting money I got was a drop in the bucket of what I owe, but I have to admit, it was a pretty big and a pretty encouraging drop. I have little doubt that God's going to provide the rest one way or another.

I'm learning. In time I pray He will obliterate even that "little doubt." After all, nothing is impossible with God.

All Together Now

December knocked me down and stole my lunch money.

That's the way it seems, anyway. In December, I lost all track of the pathetic semblance of a routine I pretended I once had. I had a full work week this past week, which started out with me being an hour late because I had misread the schedule. Doh. Great start to a new year...or not. The rest of the week was a pretty confusing blur.

Anyway, I am trying to get my life back together so that I can actually start doing some of the awesome things I planned on doing this year. But this morning I started thinking, "Hmm. The words 'getting my life BACK together' imply that my life has deteriorated from a previous state of 'togetherness.' I'm not so sure I EVER had my 'life together' to begin with."

I remember my second senior year of college (that should tell you something right there) when I was 24 and most the girls on my hall were 18-year-old freshmen. Bless them, most of them looked up to me. Some of them even called me "Mama Ruth." And a few of them even expressed to me that they thought I had it "all together." Yeah, I'm sure it probably seemed that way because I had 6 years of experience that those girls didn't yet have. The truth is, I've never really had it "all together."

But I really do want to be more organized than I currently am. I don't have to be perfect. That's not what I'm all about here. This idea of having it "all together" is just how I'd like to appear to people, and honestly, it just doesn't really matter what other people think. Most people don't pay enough attention anyway because they don't care. Most of them are probably too busy trying to organize their own lives to worry about how I do or do not organize my life. It's just this stupid competition we all imagine ourselves having with other people.

With that being said, I still need to get organized so that I can actually start doing the things I want to do this year (and this life). The reason for this is because I've been given a lot; I'm responsible for using what I've been given.

I've heard well-meaning people say we should just trust God. Trust God and it will all turn out all right. Trust God. Trust God. Trust God.

I know where they're coming from. I believe, as they most likely do, that Christians are not saved by works, but by the grace of God through faith in Jesus. And I can understand how it can seem a little sticky when God has given us work to do. How much of that work is our effort, and how much of that is God's intervention?

It's easy to drift to one extreme or the other. Either we don't do anything and just "trust God," or we go to the other end, putting all our human effort into it--and eventually get arrogant and steal glory from God.

In the not too distant past, I think I was veering towards the first of those, though perhaps not to the most extreme extreme. I was working towards my goals and working on the projects I had, but I was not doing as much as I could. I didn't want to take glory from God. I wanted to trust Him to complete what He had begun.

But the more I write, pray, and live, the more I believe I am supposed to be an excellent writer--or at least the most excellent writer I can be. It's not because I have some glorious ambition of being the next J. K. Rowling (that train left a lot time ago--and it was NOT the Hogwarts Express). It's because the One who has called me and equipped me is excellent.

When it all comes down to it, I didn't will myself to be a writer. The ability to write was given to me. The abilities to imagine, create, dream, edit were also given to me. God the Author has made me in His image by breathing His creativity into me. He's given me dreams that have become stories. When I sit down with pen and paper, or when I sit down at the laptop keyboard, something happens. The Creator of the universe enables me to write. The gifts are from Him.

But if I don't sit down and write, then nothing happens.

And if I write and just try to present the first draft of my stories or songs or whatever, they might be good, but they probably aren't excellent. And I've got to look beyond the idea that I'm making things excellent so that other people will see their excellence. Certainly that is a very good thing. I want people to enjoy and get something out of what I write. But it's not the most important thing.

Because Cain killed his brother Abel because he was jealous that God had found Abel's sacrifice acceptable, while rejecting Cain's. But Cain's heart wasn't right to begin with, because he didn't give his best. And like Cain, I don't have anything except what's been given me. But if I just put forth minimal effort with what I've been given, then that's a pretty poor offering.

The context is slightly different, but King David said that he would not offer God a sacrifice that cost him nothing. In David's case, he was insisting upon paying a man for the location, oxen, and materials he would use for a burnt offering. In my situation, the context is different, but the idea is the same. Am I to offer to God work that cost me nothing--or next to nothing? Am I to just produce something to be producing it, or should it be my best work?

And if it's my best work, then shouldn't I be spending a lot more time writing, editing, rewriting, and editing again...and again...and again...? Shouldn't I really be working to pursue agents instead of just sending out a few pathetic letters and praying for the best?

I've come to the conclusion that the work I do is not something I enable myself to do, but since I have been given the ability, I also have the responsibility to produce the most excellent work I can. It's not because I'm brilliant. It's not because I want to be some great writer (well, okay, so I do...but that's not the main thing). It's because the One who has called me is worth my best work.

So I'm trying to get my life as "together" as I can get it. It's a work in progress, like pretty much everything else. I'm starting a diet/exercise routine tomorrow (God willing). I'm trying to stick with a plan of reading the Bible in a year. I'm keeping record of whether or not I pray everyday, just because I know I'm not disciplined without it (on a side note, I'm not just praying to check it off a list. I'm praying because I need to spend time with God, but I know myself enough to know that right now I need the discipline aid of marking it off a list). I'm also going to start making some goals for myself in getting writing done and query letters out. I also need to start making some serious plans towards recording some songs. That's right. And with those songs, I'm going to have to settle for making them only as excellent as I can make them. My guitar skills are on an elementary level. In other words, I suck.

But the Lord has given me these things to do. I have some interesting ideas for them. I'm excited to see what He's going to do in the next few months. I'm pretty sure I'll never have it "all together," but even though I'm trying to work hard, I'm still relying on grace. There's hope. Lots of hope.