When Moses Takes Too Long

Moses had been gone a long time.

It had been over a month since the leader of the newly freed Israelites had gone up the mountain, disappearing behind the cloud that appeared as a consuming fire. The Israelites had said, in unison, that they would do everything that the Lord said to do.  And why not?  Hadn't God promised to go before them?  But now, God wasn't leading them anywhere.  Moses was up in that fiery cloud, and they were waiting.  Right now, the command was to wait.  The command was to wait for Moses to come back down.

But when the Israelites saw that Moses was so long in coming down from the mountain, they gathered around Aaron and said, “Come and make us a god to go before us. As for this Moses fellow, who brought us up out of Egypt, we do not know what has happened to him.”

Moses had been gone a long time. Something might have happened to him. He might have even died. They might be waiting in vain for him to return and tell them what to do.

Forty days.  Forty nights.  That was too long for the Israelites to wait.  They decided it was time for them to take matters into their own hands.  If Moses wasn’t coming back with instructions from the God who was supposed to go before them, they would have Aaron make them another god to lead them.

So Aaron took their jewelry, melted it, and made it into the image of a golden calf.  The Israelites forgot their promise to follow the Lord’s commands.  They bowed down to an image that was not God.  They worshipped something made out of their discarded jewelry, something made from human hands, something that didn’t ask them to wait.

Their god was something they could understand.  Their god was something they could control.  Their god was an easy god to follow.

The Israelites didn’t know all of the things the Lord had to tell Moses, about the precise details involved in the building of His temple, about the instructions in making all the various items that went inside His temple, about the rituals involved when a sinful people approach a holy God.  Had they known, they might have been more willing to wait.  God had much to say to Moses, and that took time.  Forty days and nights, that was a more than reasonable amount of time.  But their understanding of the situation wasn’t important; God wanted their trust.

And waiting always involves trust.

And trust is hard, just as waiting is hard.  Even after God had parted the seas and led His people out of captivity, even after He had fed them manna and quail in the wilderness, the Israelites found it hard to trust.  They found it hard to wait.  And they succumbed to their fears--the fears of not being in control, the fears of not knowing and understanding, the fears that following God just wasn't supposed to be easy.

 And the Israelites sinned.

And when Moses did come down from that mountain, he burned the golden calf. He crushed the ashes into powder. He sprinkled the powder on the water. He made the Israelites drink it. They had to drink their sin.

Now, I’ve never made an idol out of gold.  I’ve never taken off my jewelry, melted it down, and made a cow out of it.  I’ve never worshipped a piece of wood or a statue.  I’ve never been foolish enough to believe that a figurine could be worthy of my worship.

But there have been many times when I’ve grown tired of waiting for the Lord to move in my life.  There have been times when I’ve grown tired of trusting when He has said to trust, waiting when He’s said to wait.  There have been times when I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands and try to do things myself.  There have been times when I’ve tried to make myself into a god, tricking myself into believing that I have control.

There have been times when I’ve made gods out of my friends, unreasonably expecting them to understand me or be able to help me in ways that only God can.  And I frustrate those friendships.

There have been times when I’ve tried to use my own efforts to force a situation to work in the way I want it to, instead of waiting for God to move in His way and time.  And I frustrate the situation.

There have been times when I’ve tried to manipulate God by throwing a tantrum, instead of trusting, obeying, waiting…and ultimately resting in Him.  And I’m just grateful I can’t really frustrate God, just myself.

But, oh, there have been times when I’ve had to drink up those ashes of my sin.

Waiting isn’t easy.  Trust isn't easy.

Following a God whose ways are not our ways--that's also not easy.

But Moses is going to come down from that mountain.

God is going to come through.

We don’t need to fashion gods for ourselves.  We don’t need to try to gain control.

Because the Lord is the God who goes before us.

Sometimes we just have to wait a little while for Him to move…

…and sometimes we have to trust.

Gifts From the Lord

Warning: I get honest in this one.  You've been warned.

It was probably a little over a year ago that I saw several moms from my church post the same thing on their facebook statuses.  "Children are a gift from the Lord."  They were all posting this because that was the topic of the recent MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) meeting.  As a woman without any kids, my knee-jerk reaction was to sarcastically think, "Oh, so God doesn't give gifts to single, childless people?"  This reaction didn't last more than a few seconds, because I realized that children aren't the only gift from the Lord, and that the people at that MOPS meeting were all moms who needed that encouragement.  And I much later realized that they were quoting a specific Scripture passage:

"Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward." -Psalm 127:3

I like that verse.  I think it's true.  And if it is, then I'm a pretty gifted person. 

I'm single and childless, and lately I've been thinking a lot about that, but not in a sad way.  It's just been something I've been thinking about.  For one thing, I'm still working on starting this website/blog on singlehood and Church unity.  I've also been up to my armpits in other people's kids.  Oh, and I had TWO dreams in ONE night that I had gotten married--in each dream it was to a different guy.  One of my "dream husbands" (and I use that phrase loosely, because he was NOT the man of my dreams at all) had a last name that had a lot of syllables and silent letters, like Crickenquallabonutickleishon or something, only it sounded different than it looked.  So the joke in the dream was that I couldn't pronounce my own last name.  I laughed and woke myself up, which happens to me fairly often.  My dreams are hilarious.

Anyway, with all this thinking about kids and singlehood, I guess it's easy to feel depressed.  Only, I'm not depressed.  The way I see it, I have it pretty good.

Without getting into details (I don't mind sharing my stories, but when they involve others, they're also other people's stories), I got my heart broken when I was in my mid-20s.  We're not talking a little crush heartbreak.  We're talking, "So, I was kind of hoping to spend the rest of my life with you, and now I can't because you don't like me anymore" heartbreak.  And that took me several years to get over, at least as much over it as I'm going to get.  I say this because I want people to understand where I'm coming from.  I've had some people assume that after getting hurt once, I'm too angry/hurt/bitter/etc. to consider dating again.  That's not the case.  I have considered dating again, but it's just not a priority.  Bottom line: I haven't been asked out once since that break-up, which was almost seven years ago.  In fact, I haven't even been interested in anyone.  And that doesn't bother me.  I actually kind of prefer it that way, because if it's not something God really wants for me, then I don't want any part of it.  If God wants me in a relationship, He's going to have to clearly be in the midst of it.  If He doesn't want me in a relationship, then there's no reason to strive for one.  I'm not afraid of getting hurt again so much as I'm afraid of hurting someone else by being in a relationship that I'm just not supposed to be in.  So...I'm cool.  More than cool, really.

And God's allowed me to have some conversations with some neighbors and friends recently, people I would never have imagined myself talking to.  I have had conversations with people who have been through difficult divorces, some of them involving kids (which takes divorce to a whole different level--you're not just considering your wants/needs, but the kids' wants/needs as well), and all of them involving deep heartache and pain.  The pain I went through is just not comparable.  I hurt.  I hurt for years.  I still hurt, but it doesn't affect my daily life at all.  Divorce is something that sticks with you.  Aside from the emotional turmoil, there's judgmentalism from others, there's legal stuff, there's probably a lot more hurt feelings, feelings of failure, etc.  I understand some of these things, but only to a point, because really, my heartbreak wasn't as deep.  And I definitely don't understand the wisdom it takes to deal with divorce and kids.  A lot of these single parents I know AMAZE me.  I don't know how they do it, but I guess when you've just got to do something, you somehow find the courage/grace/strength to do it (AKA God enables you).  At least in my own less-difficult experiences, that has been true. 

So basically, the Lord allowed me to love this guy, and having the grace to love someone is always a gift.  I'm extremely grateful to have been granted that beautiful knowledge.  When that relationship ended, it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been (that would have been hard to believe at the time, but I certainly believe it now).  True, it would have been less painful if it hadn't ended at all--or so I think.  I'm finding out that I don't know as much as I think I do, so now when I pray for things I want, I usually say, "But you know better than I do, Lord.  Give me what I need and what glorifies you best." 

Yeah, when I was eighteen, I prayed for two things: to marry a minister and to have a LOT of kids.  Looking back, I'm glad God didn't say "yes" to that first prayer. Why?  Because I would make a dreadful minister's wife.  It's not that I think minister's wives are extra Spiritual or something, or that I don't make some kind of "holier than thou" cut.  Minster's wives are just women--amazing, lovely women.  It's just that most of them have to have a certain level of tact that I do not even come close to possessing.  I'm honest to a fault.  I say the first thing that comes into my head, and then spend several minutes trying to get my foot out of my mouth.  Being a minister's wife?  Not for me. 

And yeah, being single has it's perks.  I go to sleep at night when I want to.  The only time I'm woken up by snoring is if I'm the one snoring (that happens too sometimes--either because my dreams are so hilarious that I snort-laugh, or because my dreams are so bad that they bore me into snoring.  I like to be entertained when I sleep).  I have my own space, my own stuff to deal with.  I'm not consistently, totally responsible to another person.  Sometimes it might be nice to have the constant companionship, another person to be there to help me feel loved--but I have so many friends that I don't feel slighted.  Don't take this the wrong way, but other than the no sex thing, being single isn't so bad.  And even though I'm pretty sure I have a fairly good idea of what I'm missing (not from experience, but just because I'm human), I'm also pretty sure there are a lot of things that are better than sex.  And here's a plus: ZERO chance of me getting pregnant, unless the angel Gabriel comes to visit me or something....  I've come to the conclusion that I never want to be pregnant.  If I ever get married, I'm ALL about adopting some kids, but there's something about carrying a parasite living thing inside me for 9 months only to have it painfully squeezed and/or cut out of me--not appealing.  (Pregnancy and childbirth are beautiful things--just not for me).

That second prayer request?  The one where I asked for a lot of kids?  For a long time, I figured God had said "No" to that one, too.  But the more I think about it, He said "YES" to that.  I DO have a lot of children.  I work in four childcare jobs.  I see dozens and dozens and dozens (etc.) of kids every week.  I form relationships with them and their parents.  I love these kids.  I miss them when they're not around.  I worry about them and want to know what's going on in their lives.  They're other people's children, but in a way, they're also mine.  And I'm grateful for the wonderful parents who share them with me. 

So children are a gift from the Lord.  A reward.  And though I'd still like kids of my own, and though quality beats quantity ANY day, I've gotta say that I "have" more kids than anyone else I know.  I'm like the little old woman who lives in the shoe...only my life probably doesn't stink (literally and figuratively) as much as hers.

A dad recently asked me how I'm able to watch kids ALL day long, day after day.  I told him, "Oh, it's because I get to go home at night and have all my time to myself.  I go to sleep at night and don't have to worry about one of my kids waking me up."  He looked at me with a hint of jealousy in his eyes, and said, "I see your point."

I've got it pretty good, yo.

The moral to this blog: When you ask God for something, be specific.  He has a sense of humor.

The Trouble With Being Multi-Talented

I can't dance.

I also can't play basketball.  Or baseball.  Or football.  Or soccer.  Or tennis.  Or ping pong.  Ok...let's just rule out anything that involves coordination.

I have lousy organizational skills and math and I are mortal enemies. 

I have no idea how to properly operate an iron--unless it involves melting fuse beads.

The only people I can impress with my drawing skills are under the age of six.

My cooking is hit or miss--usually miss.

I am a notorious plant killer.

I can't do a thing with hair...which is why mine usually just hangs there...threatening to eat small children.

With all the things I am BAD at, I have to admit, due to very little (or no) effort on my part, I'm also really good at a lot of things.  I also have a lot of interests.  I consider myself a decent writer, since, you know, I'm trying to sell a book and stuff.  I can sing--even if the only two vocal styles I have mastered are "the opera diva" and the "bad hippy."  My guitar skills leave MUCH to be desired, but I can fool a lot of non-musically-inclined people into thinking I'm a decent guitar player.  I write pretty good songs, too--at least they're good for someone who stinks at guitar. 

I'm good with kids, too.  For some reason, they seem to like me.  I think it's because they can tell I like them.

I'm a good listener, and I'm compassionate.  I'm an encourager  I know this because it's something people have consistently told me over the years.  Not braggin', just sayin'.  That's just the way God's made me.  I can't take credit for any of it.

In the past six months, I've discovered I like to run, too.  I'm not good at it, per se, and I have had to put effort into it, but I enjoy it.  And I'm starting to think there's a reason that all of the sudden I've gone from a pansy who vowed she'd stick with speed walking, to a pansy who is entertaining the idea of training for a half-marathon.  It's weird how things work out.  God's got a sense of humor, and that's all I'm going to say about that...for now.

I'm also an EXPERT in the fine art of sleeping.  I love me some sleep.  I don't get as much of that as I'd like, but yeah--sleep is definitely on my list of talents/interests.

See, I think life would be a lot easier sometimes if I was only good at one thing.  What's that old saying?  "Do one thing.  Do it well."  I've never been able to pick just one thing to do.  That's my problem.  I remember sitting with my advisor at my first college--the advisor they assigned to all the students who were too wishy-washy to pick a major.  He told me, "Ruth, your problem is that you're good at too many things.  You like to do too many things.  If you only had one interest or if you were only good at one thing, then we could narrow down your choices for a major." 

Long story short, I dropped out of school (partly because I couldn't pick a major and at that point they were forcing me to pick a major) and eventually transferred to another school where I graduated with THREE areas of study.  I majored in Interdisciplinary Studies with concentrations in English and Christian Studies.  Then, for good measure, I tacked on a Psychology minor.

And now, I have a wishy-washy degree that is next to useless for getting me a real job.  But that's okay.  I got an education (which is really what I wanted), and I get by.

The thing is, that advisor was right.  I have too many interests.  I have too many things that I'm good at doing.  And while I'm not needing to pick a major or career path at this stage of my life, I'm wondering if it's good for my writing that I have so many other things that I want to do.

I guess there's a couple of different ways I could look at it.  On the one hand, all these other activities I'm involved with are taking up a lot of the time I could use to write.  If I didn't make time to go out and run, or if I didn't do choir at church, or if I didn't take time to write songs or play the guitar, or if I didn't go voluntarily spend my time with kids that I love, or if I didn't make time for my friends, or if I didn't sleep, or if I didn't do all these other things I do, I would have a little more time to write.  And I could always use more time to write.

On the other hand, maybe all these other things I do might actually make me a better writer.  When I spend time doing a lot of different things, not only do I more greatly value the little time I do set aside for writing, but I also have more life experiences to draw from.  I think that the more I live, the more I experience, the more I have to write about.  Running gives me time to think and clear my head.  Talking to people gives me different perspectives.  Music gives my soul extra inspiration.  Spending time with kids help me see the world through a much younger set of eyes.  Even sleeping gives me the opportunity to dream.  All these things make me a better writer. 

So, I'm not about to drop any of these things the Lord has given me to live and love.  I have reason to believe that everything He's given me to do right now, everything He's given me a talent and/or passion for is something that is worthwhile.  It's annoying sometimes, because it's hard to have time to complete tasks when there's SO much I want to do.  But I just don't think God ever intended me to be the sort of person who does just one thing well. 

Sometimes I try to do too much at once.  I know I still need to work on balance.  But all in all, I'm really enjoying life.  Writing is a major part of that life.  It's probably one of the most major parts of my life.  It's just not the only thing.  So it's not the only thing I'm going to do.

I still pray I do it--and everything else my hands/feet find to do--well. 

SEW Sunday: Profit

In my Bible reading, I've been going through Proverbs for the past few days.  I read Proverbs 14 last night.  Honestly, some of the Proverbs seem pointless, like Proverbs 14:5 "A trustworthy witness will not lie, but a false witness utters lies."  Um...not to be rude, Solomon...but doesn't that kind of, um...go without saying?

Then there are Proverbs that really make me think, like Proverbs 14:23 "In all labor there is profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty."

I have worked A LOT this week.  Every day, Monday through Saturday, I worked at LEAST two jobs.  I've worked more than 50 hours, not counting the time it took me to drive from one job to the other.  I've also had to take my car to two different places and spent a LOT of money trying to get it fixed up--and it's still not all done.

Sometimes I just really feel like I'm working ALL the time, and just when I start to get ahead (or even just caught up with things) financially, I have to put money into something else.  The other day I was sitting in the tire shop while they put two new tires on my car that will probably wear out within a year because I'm too broke to afford the repair my car needs to ensure my wheels are in proper alignment.  And I was texting my mom.  I texted her something like, "I'm always working.  I'm always broke.  I NEED TO SELL MY NOVEL."

And I'm smart enough to know that's probably not going to solve all my problems...because writers, even published ones, are often pretty broke.  If I sold my book, I probably couldn't quit any of my day jobs...but then I do keep hoping I strike gold like J. K. Rowling...if only.

But that's not the main issue here.

I have been doing a lot of talking.  There are definitely a lot of things I still need to do before sending any queries.  Have I done them?  No.  I've just talked about doing them. 

Now, I've got a butt load of excuses, and I think them reasonable.  After the week I just had, I know there is no way I could have squeezed in any writing activities.  In fact I haven't written down a single word of a story since LAST Sunday afternoon.  I'm a writer who hasn't written anything on a project in a week.  I have simply not had the time.  And that sucks, but that's the way it goes some weeks.

This upcoming week doesn't look too promising, either.  I'm working two jobs Monday, two jobs Tuesday, two jobs Wednesday, and on Thursday I'm definitely working one job and I'm on call for another.  If I don't get called in to that other job, I'm going to leave town on Thursday to go visit family in KY (if I end up working Thursday night, I plan to leave Friday morning).  And I'll be gone all weekend.  My bro is graduating college.  My dad and oldest niece both have birthdays.  There's a possibility I'll have to work on a song to sing at my parent's church.  Do you think I'm going to have time for writing?  HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
No.

So basically, my current project is on a standstill until I have time to do something with it.  I don't have time to work on stuff for queries.  Editing is out of the question.  Reading for fun/inspiration is the furthest thing from my mind.

And it's easy to get discouraged in the midst of a busy schedule.  It's easy to say, "Well, I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing as a writer, so I'm a failure."  And I do have to say that I'm convicted by Proverbs 14:23.  I do a lot of talking about my writing, but how much am I doing with my writing?

But that verse doesn't say "...in only the HARDEST work there is profit."  It says, "In ALL work there is profit."  I'm doing what I can do with my writing at the moment, and trusting there will be more time for it later.  The question then is, "What WILL I do with it when I have the time?"  Will I do the work I need to do, or will I just continue to talk about it?

In the meantime, I'm not doing a lot of writing.  I'm doing a lot of working with kids.  I gotta say, sometimes, I'd rather be writing.  Right now, though, I have to trust that the work I am doing is going to lead to some kind of profit...hopefully monetary, so I can keep paying my bills, but it's more than that. 

The Lord has been teaching me a lot lately about different things.  He's teaching me how to praise Him in every circumstance, and how WE NEED to praise Him.  God desires our praise, but He also wants us to praise Him because we need to praise Him.  That's what we were designed to do--and I've noticed that when I'm praising Him, I just function better in general.  And so this stressful week has been really unexpectedly good.  I've worked my butt off (not quite literally, though I may have lost a little weight in that general area) this week.  I've had emotional ups and downs.  I've gotten some really nice paychecks that had to be put right back into expenses for my car.  I've taken opportunities to offer help to others, and I've had to be humble and ask for help for myself.  I've seen friends I haven't seen in months and even years.  I've talked a lot about what God has done and about what He is doing and what He will do.  I've failed.  I've succeeded.  I've ran and breathed and rested and hoped and prayed and dreamed and rejoiced and cried and worked and sang and LIVED. 

And I've realized again how much I really love my crazy, wild, wonderful life.

After all I've done against God, I don't deserve for the Lord to love me enough to test me and shape me.  But He does.  And He will continue to do so.  And I know in His timing that my life and my writing are going to become what He wants them to be.  I just have to wait for it and keep working and praying and resting in Him.  Talking is fine, but all work leads to profit...and I believe that to be both monetary and Spiritual profit. 

So I pray I work and worship and live this life He's given me.  If I'm doing the things I know I'm supposed to be doing, I don't believe He's going to lead me astray.

SEW Sunday: Balance

Happy Easter, readers!  I just ate a pink marshmallow chicky Peep, but that's neither here nor there.

This has been an interesting week, to say the least.  It started out with me heading for church last Sunday, only to find that there were power lines lying on the road in front of my church.  I pulled into the nearly empty parking lot and discovered that there was no church because the power was out.  The bad storms/tornado caused a lot more damage than I had realized.  I still didn't realize it, because I immediately went home from not going to church and figured I should use that free time to go running.  I ran six miles.  That's my record...so far.

The next day, I realized that a lot of people had experienced a lot of damage from the storms.  Many people didn't have anywhere to stay; many more needed some extensive work done on their homes.  My church was set up as a station to help out a lot of the people in the community.  I had an opportunity to go help out.  In fact, I had a whole day off Tuesday.

The thing is, I had already planned on working on my writing on Tuesday.  I had been planning on it for WEEKS.  It needed to be done...and badly.  I guess it makes me selfish, because I am selfish, but I prayerfully decided to stick with my plans to work on my writing...instead of going to help out my community.  I didn't even get out of my pajamas that day. 

I reread my first novel on Tuesday.  All of it.  I have to say, in the past week, I've read three really good books.  Two of them were part of the Hunger Games trilogy.  The other one...surprisingly...was my own.  That first book, which was such a catastrophe when I first penned it, had been edited and edited and edited until I was sick of it.  But after putting it aside for several months and going back to it, I had a fresh perspective.  I was viewing it as a reader and not as a writer/editor.  And I found that I couldn't put my own book down...because, at the risk of sounding vain, it was really good.

That's not to say I didn't edit a little here or there while reading it, but all in all, I'm almost there.  I'm almost ready to try selling this book again.  It's because I'm confident that what I have is something worth selling, something worth reading.  I have a renewed focus and energy to actually try to get all the other stuff done so I can send out some queries.

And, yes, I think that was a day off well-spent.

But I have to admit I'm feeling guilty; whether that guilt is justified or not, it's there.  I know that I could have gone to my church to help out instead of spending that time on my own projects.  I don't know how useful I would have been, but I figure in a disastrous situation, almost any willing person can find some small way to help. 

The other books I read this week, the Hunger Games books, are very sad, very intense...even disturbing at times.  But they're really good and make you think.  The main character had all sorts of ridiculous trials that I've never had to face or even imagine.  And it's easy to say, "Well, that's just a book," but then my mind turns to the real-life atrocities.  There are children dying of starvation all over this world--even here in America.  Even worse than that, in my opinion, are the markets which sell children into prostitution.  There's war.  There's hunger.  There's need.

And I sit in my pajamas and write.  Usually with a big warm cup of tea. 

Sometimes I feel like what I am doing is such a waste compared to what I could be doing. 

Art isn't practical.  I think every artist who strives to serve the Lord probably goes through something similar to what I'm talking about right now.  Why create paintings or stories or poems or songs when there are so many physical needs that need to be met?

I, personally, can honestly say that I know the Lord was pursuing me at a very young age.  I don't even remember the exact time I became a Christian because it's just always seemed that the Lord was with me, guiding me, calling me to Himself.  And it's easy to fall into this trap of believing that God pursued me that strongly because there's something big I'm meant to do with my life, something important.

Or maybe...maybe...God just wants me because He loves me.  And maybe that's better than being important.

And maybe all I have to do is what I have in my hands to do at the time.  I get all riled up and start thinking I can somehow change the world if I work harder, act better, do more more more.  But all the good, hard work in the world is not going to change the fact that I'm a weak fool in need of a Savior.

Do I need to show mercy to others and share that Savior with them?  Yes.

Does that mean that I'm being neglectful of the needs of others if I'm working on something else the Lord has given me to do?  Maybe.  In some circumstances, yes.  But, in this case, I don't think so.  The guilt I feel is not of God.

Because the Lord is creative, and He has breathed that spark of creativity into me.  He has given me dreams and visions, stories and songs.  I'm not a writer because I choose to be.  I'm a writer because that's how God has made me.  And the time was given to me to work on something He had given me to do.  So I did it.  And now I'm just a little bit closer to achieving the goal of being a published writer.  I don't regret it.

I have to say, though.  This week, especially today, has really made me think about balance.  Oh, I'm so wretchedly bad at balance.  I could go on an on about how much I have to work, how little time I have, blah blah blah.  It's an excuse, and not even a very good one.  Everyone is busy.  The thing is, I've got 24 hours every single day with which to use.  True, some of those hours belong to my bosses, but I've still got a lot of time that's mine.  The trick is figuring out how much of that time I'm going to devote to helping others, how much time I'm going to devote to my writing, how much time of that I'm going to use to rest (because rest is important, too...God said so). 

Prayers are appreciated as I continue to try to figure this balancing act out.  I'm greatly encouraged that the Lord is working, both in the lives in this community and in my personal writing life.  Aslan is definitely on the move.

And by the way...

The Stone Table has cracked.  The Lion roars.

Christ is risen!

Learning the Impossible

Life can change in a heartbeat.

I was actually starting to get a little ahead on my finances, when BOOM goes the dynamite--I found out I'm NOT getting that tax refund I was expecting. Not even close. Rather, I found out on Friday that I'm having to pay a significant amount to both the Federal and NC governments. It's not as much as it could be, I suppose, but it's a pretty hefty amount. As it turns out, having three jobs pushed me into a little bit of a higher tax bracket. The problem is, since I have three jobs, each separate job was only taking into account the money I was making for that particular job. Long story short, only one of my jobs withheld any money. I have to pay A LOT back to the IRS. I don't have A LOT of money to pay back to the IRS.

My first reaction was utter disbelief and denial. I was expecting refund. How could this happen? I got a refund LAST year and one of my jobs didn't withhold anything. There must be something wrong. So I immediately went and tried to do my taxes on another program. Same result. So I slowly shifted to the state of denial to the state of "Oh crap. I'm going to have to sell a kidney to pay my taxes."

This DOES have something to do with my writing. This has something to do with a lot of different areas of my life. In fact, it has a lot to do with something I wrote about in my last entry. As a Christian, I believe that nothing is impossible with God. The problem is, I don't always believe it as much as I should--I don't believe it completely. I don't always get that knowledge to move from the back of my mind to something firm that I can believe and live out in my faith. I want control. Often, I think I have control. The truth is, I don't have control and never did.

Because life can change in a heartbeat. I can go from foolishly thinking I have it all together to knowing that I don't have anything. Everything I do have is a gift.

The last thing I said in my previous entry was: "And here's...where I remind myself of something that is impossible for me to grasp: Nothing is impossible with God. If I can ever wrap my brain around that, I guess anything will be possible." In other words, it's impossible for me to believe that nothing is impossible. But God is teaching me, and I'm learning. I'm learning that nothing is impossible with God--and since I'm learning that, He's already shown me that He can do the impossible, by teaching me to believe that nothing is impossible through Him.

Hmm. I'm not sure it's possible to understand what I just wrote, but I hope it makes sense.

I first started thinking about that yesterday afternoon. And God did something else that I thought was impossible. He changed my attitude completely. I was still in the stage of "Oh crap! I'm going to have to sell a kidney to pay my taxes," but God moved me to a completely other stage. It was one I couldn't have expected or even believed, but He did it.

I'm now in the stage of thankfulness. I'm in the stage of absolute, amazing, knock-me-to-the-floor gratitude. Why? Because this is something the Lord wants me to go through. This is something He has given me, just like all the other gifts. I guess it's weird to think of financial trouble as a gift, but I'm weird, okay. And God is weird (sorry if that offends you, but if you really think about it, He is pretty strange).

The Lord has given me this situation for reasons I don't yet know, but I'm already seeing some of those reasons. Apparently, I've been under the illusion that I am in control. God pulled that rug out from under me. I'm not in control. I never was in control. One thing I've learned, the Lord is faithful to humble those who ask for it--and I asked for it. I'm overwhelmingly grateful that the Lord loves me enough to give me something that will make me more like Him--to make me more aware that I belong to Him. He's jealous. He won't let me go. He won't let me delude myself in thinking that I'm the main character of my life story--it's not even my story. It's His. He's writing it, and He's writing it for His glory.And this chapter right here is one for which I'm extremely grateful.

I've still got a lot to learn, obviously. It's hard to remember my ultimate goal. It's hard to remember that life is about glorifying Him instead of myself. It's hard to let go of all the control I think I have (though I never really had it).

What does letting go of control even look like? I don't know, but I think it might possibly look like getting over this fear of sending queries. It might possibly look like me taking a few chances by just WRITING instead of trying to have all my proverbial ducks in a row before I start.

One thing it definitely looks like is trust. Letting go of anxiety. Believing that life is more than what I will eat or drink or wear. I honestly have no idea how I'm going to pay my taxes. One thing I do know, it's going to be okay. It's going to be fine. If I end up living on the streets in a cardboard box, I'm going to be just fine. (But I really don't think it's going to come to that. In fact, I don't think I'm even going to have to miss any meals.)

I learned about this tax thing on Friday. Yesterday, Saturday, just one day later, God completely overwhelmed me by giving me this grateful attitude (sorry, I just CAN'T bring myself to say "attitude of gratitude"). It's nothing I could muster up myself. The Lord has done this impossible thing through me. I know He's going to do more. I believe He's doing something in me right now that's preparing me for things further down the road. Those things might have something to do with having published books, or they might not.

But I'm going to be okay.

By the way, I just have to brag on my God some more. Last night, I babysat--long story short I ended up babysitting for kids in three separate families. All of them paid me and they paid me well. The extra babysitting money I got was a drop in the bucket of what I owe, but I have to admit, it was a pretty big and a pretty encouraging drop. I have little doubt that God's going to provide the rest one way or another.

I'm learning. In time I pray He will obliterate even that "little doubt." After all, nothing is impossible with God.