Gifts From the Lord

Warning: I get honest in this one.  You've been warned.

It was probably a little over a year ago that I saw several moms from my church post the same thing on their facebook statuses.  "Children are a gift from the Lord."  They were all posting this because that was the topic of the recent MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) meeting.  As a woman without any kids, my knee-jerk reaction was to sarcastically think, "Oh, so God doesn't give gifts to single, childless people?"  This reaction didn't last more than a few seconds, because I realized that children aren't the only gift from the Lord, and that the people at that MOPS meeting were all moms who needed that encouragement.  And I much later realized that they were quoting a specific Scripture passage:

"Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward." -Psalm 127:3

I like that verse.  I think it's true.  And if it is, then I'm a pretty gifted person. 

I'm single and childless, and lately I've been thinking a lot about that, but not in a sad way.  It's just been something I've been thinking about.  For one thing, I'm still working on starting this website/blog on singlehood and Church unity.  I've also been up to my armpits in other people's kids.  Oh, and I had TWO dreams in ONE night that I had gotten married--in each dream it was to a different guy.  One of my "dream husbands" (and I use that phrase loosely, because he was NOT the man of my dreams at all) had a last name that had a lot of syllables and silent letters, like Crickenquallabonutickleishon or something, only it sounded different than it looked.  So the joke in the dream was that I couldn't pronounce my own last name.  I laughed and woke myself up, which happens to me fairly often.  My dreams are hilarious.

Anyway, with all this thinking about kids and singlehood, I guess it's easy to feel depressed.  Only, I'm not depressed.  The way I see it, I have it pretty good.

Without getting into details (I don't mind sharing my stories, but when they involve others, they're also other people's stories), I got my heart broken when I was in my mid-20s.  We're not talking a little crush heartbreak.  We're talking, "So, I was kind of hoping to spend the rest of my life with you, and now I can't because you don't like me anymore" heartbreak.  And that took me several years to get over, at least as much over it as I'm going to get.  I say this because I want people to understand where I'm coming from.  I've had some people assume that after getting hurt once, I'm too angry/hurt/bitter/etc. to consider dating again.  That's not the case.  I have considered dating again, but it's just not a priority.  Bottom line: I haven't been asked out once since that break-up, which was almost seven years ago.  In fact, I haven't even been interested in anyone.  And that doesn't bother me.  I actually kind of prefer it that way, because if it's not something God really wants for me, then I don't want any part of it.  If God wants me in a relationship, He's going to have to clearly be in the midst of it.  If He doesn't want me in a relationship, then there's no reason to strive for one.  I'm not afraid of getting hurt again so much as I'm afraid of hurting someone else by being in a relationship that I'm just not supposed to be in.  So...I'm cool.  More than cool, really.

And God's allowed me to have some conversations with some neighbors and friends recently, people I would never have imagined myself talking to.  I have had conversations with people who have been through difficult divorces, some of them involving kids (which takes divorce to a whole different level--you're not just considering your wants/needs, but the kids' wants/needs as well), and all of them involving deep heartache and pain.  The pain I went through is just not comparable.  I hurt.  I hurt for years.  I still hurt, but it doesn't affect my daily life at all.  Divorce is something that sticks with you.  Aside from the emotional turmoil, there's judgmentalism from others, there's legal stuff, there's probably a lot more hurt feelings, feelings of failure, etc.  I understand some of these things, but only to a point, because really, my heartbreak wasn't as deep.  And I definitely don't understand the wisdom it takes to deal with divorce and kids.  A lot of these single parents I know AMAZE me.  I don't know how they do it, but I guess when you've just got to do something, you somehow find the courage/grace/strength to do it (AKA God enables you).  At least in my own less-difficult experiences, that has been true. 

So basically, the Lord allowed me to love this guy, and having the grace to love someone is always a gift.  I'm extremely grateful to have been granted that beautiful knowledge.  When that relationship ended, it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been (that would have been hard to believe at the time, but I certainly believe it now).  True, it would have been less painful if it hadn't ended at all--or so I think.  I'm finding out that I don't know as much as I think I do, so now when I pray for things I want, I usually say, "But you know better than I do, Lord.  Give me what I need and what glorifies you best." 

Yeah, when I was eighteen, I prayed for two things: to marry a minister and to have a LOT of kids.  Looking back, I'm glad God didn't say "yes" to that first prayer. Why?  Because I would make a dreadful minister's wife.  It's not that I think minister's wives are extra Spiritual or something, or that I don't make some kind of "holier than thou" cut.  Minster's wives are just women--amazing, lovely women.  It's just that most of them have to have a certain level of tact that I do not even come close to possessing.  I'm honest to a fault.  I say the first thing that comes into my head, and then spend several minutes trying to get my foot out of my mouth.  Being a minister's wife?  Not for me. 

And yeah, being single has it's perks.  I go to sleep at night when I want to.  The only time I'm woken up by snoring is if I'm the one snoring (that happens too sometimes--either because my dreams are so hilarious that I snort-laugh, or because my dreams are so bad that they bore me into snoring.  I like to be entertained when I sleep).  I have my own space, my own stuff to deal with.  I'm not consistently, totally responsible to another person.  Sometimes it might be nice to have the constant companionship, another person to be there to help me feel loved--but I have so many friends that I don't feel slighted.  Don't take this the wrong way, but other than the no sex thing, being single isn't so bad.  And even though I'm pretty sure I have a fairly good idea of what I'm missing (not from experience, but just because I'm human), I'm also pretty sure there are a lot of things that are better than sex.  And here's a plus: ZERO chance of me getting pregnant, unless the angel Gabriel comes to visit me or something....  I've come to the conclusion that I never want to be pregnant.  If I ever get married, I'm ALL about adopting some kids, but there's something about carrying a parasite living thing inside me for 9 months only to have it painfully squeezed and/or cut out of me--not appealing.  (Pregnancy and childbirth are beautiful things--just not for me).

That second prayer request?  The one where I asked for a lot of kids?  For a long time, I figured God had said "No" to that one, too.  But the more I think about it, He said "YES" to that.  I DO have a lot of children.  I work in four childcare jobs.  I see dozens and dozens and dozens (etc.) of kids every week.  I form relationships with them and their parents.  I love these kids.  I miss them when they're not around.  I worry about them and want to know what's going on in their lives.  They're other people's children, but in a way, they're also mine.  And I'm grateful for the wonderful parents who share them with me. 

So children are a gift from the Lord.  A reward.  And though I'd still like kids of my own, and though quality beats quantity ANY day, I've gotta say that I "have" more kids than anyone else I know.  I'm like the little old woman who lives in the shoe...only my life probably doesn't stink (literally and figuratively) as much as hers.

A dad recently asked me how I'm able to watch kids ALL day long, day after day.  I told him, "Oh, it's because I get to go home at night and have all my time to myself.  I go to sleep at night and don't have to worry about one of my kids waking me up."  He looked at me with a hint of jealousy in his eyes, and said, "I see your point."

I've got it pretty good, yo.

The moral to this blog: When you ask God for something, be specific.  He has a sense of humor.

Single Question?

I haven't been blogging about it as much here, but just because I haven't been blogging about it doesn't mean I'm not thinking/talking about it.

A few weeks ago I started writing a little about a blog project I'd like to start.  I still haven't started it, but I've talked to a few people, and I'm hoping to talk to a few more.  I'd like to see this project start fairly soon--at least by the end of the year, but hopefully much sooner.

My original idea for a name for this blog/project/experiment/whatever was "Singled In," but I got to looking around the interwebz and realized that "Singled In" wasn't really that original after all.  I'm still thinking of possible names for this, but the name I keep coming back to is "Single Question."

I'm pretty sure this name is lame, but I can't think of anything better.  And it's descriptive of my project for two reasons:  1) What I want to do with this blog is ask questions about singlehood, marriage, God, unity, the Church, parenting, etc.  As a single person, I'd like to see how other people (married, single, divorced, widowed, etc.) would answer these questions.  2) Most of my blogs would consist of a single question.

I haven't yet gotten the response I've hoped for regarding this blog idea, and I'm guessing there are several reasons for that.  People just haven't heard about it.  People aren't sure what to say in response to it.  People are waiting until I follow through with it until they decide whether they want to get on board or not. 

Another reason I've considered is that perhaps people just aren't sure exactly WHAT I'm doing or WHY I'm doing it.  I will hope to answer this question in the first few blogs when I get that up and running, but here's a brief answer to those questions.  Since I hope to ask a lot of questions of others, it is only right that I start by answering a few questions.

A few years ago, someone asked me about the singles ministry at my church.  And well, we don't really have one.  But my friend's question made me start thinking about the purpose of singles ministries, about whether or not some churches seem to create invisible (and, in my opinion and experience, unnecessary) barriers between married people/families and single adults.  Over the past couple of years, I've even toyed with writing a book on the subject.  But I soon realized that all I have is my own experiences, and that's not enough to write a book.  Eventually, God led me to the idea of this blog project, and I really think it's time to get started on it.

So what is this blog idea?

I have hopes that "Single Question" or whatever I end up calling it (suggestions welcome, please!) will be a place where I can ask questions about singlehood, marriage, parenthood, divorce, single parenting, widowhood, Church unity, etc., in the hopes that people from many different backgrounds will respond with their thoughts, experiences, and even other questions.  I will also (perhaps once a week) blog about some of my own thoughts and experiences as a single adult in the church, including some of the more humorous aspects of singlehood. 

Why do I want to start this blog?

This is a question I have asked myself more than once, and it's a very important question.  There isn't just one purpose of this blog, and yet there is.  Some of the reasons I have for wanting to do this include the desire to accumulate information (through asking questions and hopefully getting a variety of answers from a variety of sources), the desire to help others understand a different point of view than their own, the desire to share my own thoughts and experiences, the desire to help foster unity among people from different marital, etc. backgrounds, and the desire to help single people see areas where they can serve in the church.  The main purpose in all of this, however, is to glorify God.  I truly believe this is a vision the Lord has given to me, and I believe He's going to complete it through me.  I just have to have faith as it gets started up and keep an open mind as He takes it where He wants to take it.

What it is NOT: "Single Question" (or whatever I call it) is NOT a blog that will include rants about the assumed unfairness of being single in today's society/church (I might include humorous and even sarcastic bits about misunderstandings that some married people have expressed towards single adults, but I hope these will be used sparingly--and will be taken lightly and not seriously).  It will NOT include pointless dating or relationship advice (though sometimes a particular question might come up that will involve meaningful conversation about dating/marital relationships). It will (hopefully) NOT include bashing of ideas that I don't personally understand (such as organized singles ministries)--in fact, part of the reason I want to ask questions is so that I might gain understanding.

And one more question: Who is this blog for? Answer: Everyone.  Answer: You.  I hope you'll consider reading it, once it gets up and running.  If it's going to work, it will have to be a group effort.

If you have any questions, leave a comment here, on Twitter, or on facebook.  Please please please be in prayer for this!  Let me know your thoughts, and spread the word!  (If you scroll near the top of this page and look at the left side bar, you'll see "Like it? Share it!" which allows you to easily share this blog with others on facebook and/or Twitter.  It's that easy.)

And seriously, if you have any comments/suggestions about a name for this project (or if you actually like the name I've been considering), I'd be happy to hear them. 

THANK YOU!

Ideas are Noisy: Possible New Project Idea

It's not a Sunday, Wednesday, nor Friday, yet I am blogging.  I have something to say.

There's been an idea bouncing around in my head for awhile.  It keeps bouncing--boing! boing! boing!  I'm not ready to act on it, I don't think.  I've got a lot of stuff I need to do, and I'm really sick of starting projects that I never finish.  So I'm not trying to get anyone too excited about anything...yet. 

But I'd like to request prayer and maybe even some preliminary thoughts on this idea that I'm thinking about.  I'd like to delve a little into the scary scary world of nonfiction.  The idea that's been boinging around in my head is about the role of single adults in the church. 

I've jotted down a few things, but really, there are so many directions this project could go.  I'm not sure if I'm ready to do much more than just let the idea bounce around some more, but I wonder if anyone has any thoughts on the subject.

I don't know how much honest literature exists out there about real-life single adults who are striving to find a place in the church.  I certainly haven't seen much--if any.  I'm not talking about some seventeen step program to finding the perfect godly mate, nor am I talking about a new way of doing "singles ministry."  My ideas are more about bridging the supposed differences between married adults and single adults.  Sometimes I get the impression that churches invent imaginary barriers between single people and married people. 

Possible ways of addressing this whole topic would include discussing misconceptions some married people seem to have about single people (ie. the "call to singleness," the idea that something is wrong with single people, the idea that single people are selfish), ways that married people can realistically help single people feel more included, but mostly I'd like to honestly address singles about how they can get involved without feeling as though there has to be an active "singles ministry."  Maybe there's not a great need for this, and if there isn't, then I shouldn't write about it.  But I, personally, have seen some need.  That's why the idea keeps bouncing around, just loudly enough so I don't forget it.

I'm asking for prayer and comments, if you have any.  There are a lot of different ways this idea could bounce, and I"m trying to keep an open mind.  Do you think there's a need for such a project, or has this idea been done to death?  If there is a need for it, why?  Are there any other things you think should be addressed, any other issues you think could be explored?  Are you a single person with examples of problems/issues/etc. you would like to share about your involvement with the church or with married people?  Are you a married person who has something to say about ministry and singlehood or things that you discovered after you got married?  What about kids?  What about single parents?  What about divorced singles?  Really, if this idea is going to become anything more, I know I'm going to need help.  I'm going to need more experiences than just the ones bouncing around with the half-baked ideas in my head.  So I would appreciate anything you have to say. 

And I greatly desire your prayers for this and all of my other creative endeavors.