The Year of Glory

I'm updating my blog from my phone, which is weird for a couple of reasons. First, I now have a phone that's smart enough to be able to do that, and second, my phone just has one of those Swype keyboard things that I had never heard of before I got this phone that's probably smarter than I am.

Yes, it's 2013, in case you didn't know. I'm having trouble grasping that fact. Actually, I can still vividly remember being 15 years old and telling my sister how weird it was that it was almost 1996.  ...what happened?

I started 2013 out right by getting sick. And even with a day off for New Years, I still worked 50 hours this week...while having a cold that's starting to seem suspiciously like a sinus infection. I'm not complaining, just explaining why my brain hasn't fully realized that it's no longer 1996.  I mean 2012.

I feel the need to do a year end/year beginning blog, but I'm not sure about this year. Last year, several of my close friends moved away. I dealt with minor depression. I had some hard financial moments. A lot of things changed. Other things didn't.

Last year I managed to meet some of my goals, but I failed miserably on other ones. My writing was pathetic last year, but my running went well. I'm not sure I can maintain both running and writing at the same time. I want to get back into writing, but I'm scared to make goals.  I want to possibly run a full marathon this year, but I'm not sure I'll be able to. I'm afraid of failing, as usual. I know I'm very capable of failing. That can too easily become an excuse.

About 11 or 12 years ago I got assigned to the preschool program at Ridgecrest Conference Center.  I had worked at Ridgecrest the previous year, but not in preschool.  In fact, up until that summer, I thought I was bad with/didn't like kids.

I went along with it, all the while thinking it was going to be a bad summer. I went through training and all of that, still thinking  it had been a huge mistake. The first say with the kids, I stood off to the side and observed, thinking I'd just be useless. But there was this Hispanic kid named Luis who was very shy and who barely knew English. He sat in a corner and cried. No one noticed, but I saw Luis. All I did was pull BROWN BEAR, BROWN BEAR off the shelf. I sat next to him and read it to him. He stopped crying. He got attached to me. The rest of that week, he blossomed into a happy, playful child. And I figured out I had a gift for working with kids. I was 21 years old.

Now, I made plenty of mistakes that summer. I still do. I can't be perfect, but I can still use what God has given me to bless others.  And when I really think about it, as well as I know myself, I figure God still has some surprises about how He will use me.

This is the year of Glory. And I don't really understand Glory, which is probably a good thing. It's too big for me to understand and too big for me to handle. So it makes sense to give it to God.  He can handle it better. He is the only one worthy of it, and He didn't design us to keep it. The world it's such a frustrated place mainly because people keep trying to take what only God was meant to have.

And I'm one of those frustrated people, just relying on grace, which, thank God, is sufficient.

I really don't know what 2013 holds. I hope to go on a mission trip overseas. I am thinking of running a full marathon to possibly raise funds for that trip. I hope to work more on some recording projects, reevaluate what I want to do with my writing. ...and...I don't know.  Because I don't know what God has in store. It might be something I never imagined. I once thought I had no desire or talent to work with kids, so who knows what other surprises God might have. All I know it's that it's not about me. And so I have no business being afraid. If I fail, there's grace and redemption. If I succeed, it's not by my power...and probably not even by my own plan.

I was thinking about my accomplishments from last year. On the surface, completing the half marathon seems to be the biggest accomplishment.  But...I can't define a whole year by a moment. Last year's greatest things were probably simple...like getting laughs from a grumpy kid, or spending time with dear friends, or just rejoicing even when friends left...because it was such a gift to know them.  That was 2012. 2013 won't be made up by just grand events, either. The little moments will be just as important...if not more so.

Regarding blogging and my new intelligent phone, I will try to get into a regular blogging routine again. Fiction Friday is coming back, but not every week. I'll shake it up somehow, because that's how I roll.  ...yeah...

So stay tuned and stay awesome, and I'll try to figure out what year it is.

Monday Blahg: The Life Coach

Some weeks, I just have to accept that I'm not going to be productive.  This was one of those weeks.  I worked about 50 hours--and my work schedule was all over the place.  I also ran 13.25 miles at one time (and also found time to work out two other days last week).  I kept up with my blogging, and somehow miraculously found the time to finish rereading the book I'd been wanting to review, as well as read another entirely different book.  I've at least made a good attempt at getting back into regularly praying and reading the Bible.  I'm still playing catch-up, and might be for a while, but I'm not stressing about it anymore.

Sometimes you just have to do what you have time to do, and not stress about it. 

I was feeling pretty lousy about my time-management and productivity last Monday.  I went into work (after oversleeping, being five minutes late, and just generally feeling like I seriously needed to get my act together) at the drop-in center.  Surprisingly, I had a really good/random attitude going on.  I started verbalizing my thoughts to the kids: "Hey kids, Miss Ruth needs help getting her life together.  I need a life coach.  Any takers?"  Since the majority of the kids were under the age of five, no one really had the slightest clue what I was talking about.  That's okay, because I'm pretty sure I didn't have a clue what I was talking about, either.

Since no one immediately volunteered, I turned to the youngest kid there, a 23 month old boy.  "Hey *insert child's name here*, would you like to be my life coach?"

He kind of babbled a little and squealed.  I took that as a "Yes."

So I shook the kid's hand and said, "Okay, Coach.  Tell me how to get my life together."

The kid laughed, ran away, climbed up the slide, and went into the play tunnel. 

I shrugged and climbed up the slide to join him.

Now, I've been working at that particular drop-in center for more than six years.  In those six years, I've probably only been inside that tunnel six times--like maybe once a year--and five of those times I only went in the tunnel because there was some screaming child who refused to get out of it and needed me to go in after him/her.  The tunnel is dark and scary, and although we sanitize it every night, my brain still tells me that is infested with "khe cooties."  But Coach showed me it was time to just forget the "kid cooties," drop my serious attitude, and go ahead and climb inside the tunnel.  So I did. 

Two years ago, I would have probably been too fat to be comfortable inside the tunnel.  But I'm sixty pounds lighter now than I was then, so the tunnel didn't seem as cramped as it did in years past.  And I followed Coach all the way through the play tunnel, laughing at the absurdity of it all, laughing because Coach taught me something important:

Don't worry.  Stop stressing.  Just go with it.  Laugh.  Have fun.  You can't control everything, so just do what you can and enjoy LIFE.

Then, after our romp through the play tunnel, Coach pointed the the floor. I interpreted this to mean that he wanted me to "drop and give him 20."  I dropped and gave him...4.  Well, it was more like 3 and a half.  He laughed at me.  23 months old and he was laughing at my feeble attempt to do push-ups.

And I didn't just make that last part up.  The other grown-up there saw the whole thing. 

...she laughed at me, too.

So, yeah.  This week?  Did I get all the grown up stuff done that I was supposed to get done?  No.  In fact, I consider it a huge accomplishment that I remembered to get new stickers and registration for my license plate this week.  That was my grown-up accomplishment for the week.  Getting my car legal.  The rest?  I worked a lot.  I ran a lot.  I tried to get to bed on time.  I tried to wake up and get to work on time.  And if I managed to get anything done between those things, then, well, that was pretty good for me.  Honestly, sometimes you just have to let things go and trust that God's going to provide.  It's all about balance.  Have I ever mentioned here that I'm not very good at that?

This next week shouldn't be quite so busy, though...so while it's good not to worry, it's also good to be responsible. 

--I do hope to get this job application DONE this week.  That's my goal.  I need to set a deadline if it's going to happen.

--I want to actually look at some of my writing and at least make some plans for what I want to do with it--nothing major.  I just want to get some ideas flowing for when I have more time to devote to it.

--I want to run 10 miles in preparation for my half-marathon.  I now know I can do it because I did it.  I ran over the required 13.1 miles.  And astonishingly, I ran it in the time I hoped to run it.  The day of the race, I'm kind of hoping for a better time, but there are so many variables.  The climate will be a little different since it's in a different state--but I'm hoping it will be cooler since it's further north.  I'm running around a reservoir, so I'm hoping it won't be too humid.  I'm really hoping it doesn't rain, although that would be better than scorching heat/sunshine--which probably won't be the case since it starts at 7 in the morning.  Also, I'm not sure about the hills on the course--as much as I hate hills, my legs hate them even more.  People say that adrenaline will kick in the day of the race, so I should be able to run faster, but from my past experiences, that's probably not going to be the case.  Honestly, I will be happy if I finish under 3 hours, but I'm hoping for under 2:45.  Okay, so I'm hoping for under 2:40, but we'll see what happens.  Just the fact that I'm doing this is still pretty miraculous.  God has just amazed me in the past year--how He's changed my mind and body.  It's incredible.

--I want to reread a book for a review.  We'll see what happens.  I'm hoping to do a few book reviews in the next few weeks--these aren't for books that I've been asked to review.  I just like doing it--letting other readers know what's out there.  If you have friends that read a lot and are looking for new stuff to read, be sure to direct them to my blog. 

--I need to figure out my living situation.  Like, now.  I think I'm in denial that my roommate is moving, and that I will probably have to move, as well.  I don't like being a grown-up.  Sometimes, it's fun to crawl through tunnels and not have to worry about stuff, but I think that even Coach would agree that sometimes grown-ups have to be grown-ups. 

...he probably also agrees that it's pretty pathetic that I can only do 4 push-ups.

Okay, okay...so it was more like 3 and a half.

Happy Monday Funday!

Monday Blahg: Let Me Sum Up

I'm going to try to make this quick.  I'm tired.  Here's how last week went.

-- Ran a little over 11 miles all at one time.  It was an amazing time of worship.  I think I finally hit my "runner's high."  I think my "runner's high" involves sobbing.  I have to work really hard to control my sobs because running and sobbing don't mix well.  Running and sobbing don't mix well because sobbing and breathing don't mix well.  Running and breathing?  They mix much more better, yes.

--Ran in the Quintiles Girls on the Run 10th Annual 5K.  Last year's race was the first 5K I'd ever run (I'd walked one other one before that).  It was the one I originally started training for, the race that eventually caused me to enjoy running.  I thought about wearing my Second Wind shirt, but since my race registration was free because Right Time Kids (one of my employers) was sponsoring the race, I thought it best to represent them.  But just because my shirt didn't have Isaiah 40:31 posted on the back, that doesn't mean my hope wasn't in the Lord.  The Lord has worked all these circumstances together to shape me into who I am now.  I'm still very much in awe of all that He's done to change me physically, mentally, and Spiritually in the past year--and running has been a HUGE part of that transformation.  I'm not a fast runner.  I ran this 5K in 32:38--which was my fastest 5K time yet.  And that's not a fast time.  Little girls were passing me like I was barely even moving (I'm like a turtle--slow, but cute).  But running isn't a time for me to display my awesome athletic ability, because I don't happen to have any of that.  Every time I run, the Lord is revealing His strength in my weakness, giving strength to the powerless, renewing my strength.  My hope is in Him, and I can boast in my weakness because He is my strength.

--I received three pairs of new socks this week.  New socks are a pretty big deal to me.  One pair was even argyle!

--Played the guitar.  Twice.  Realize how horribly I stink at it.  I enjoy it anyway.  Good worship.

--Finished reading a book.  Not sure what I'm going to read next.  I need to reread a book for a review, so maybe that.  ...or Blue Like Jazz, since the movie is out and everyone is talking about it again.  I tried reading it once and never got into it, but I still own it.  It's been sitting on my bookshelf shooting me plaintive looks for over three years....

--I ate way too much food.  I was feeling really convicted about it Saturday night, but then I pigged out again on Sunday.  Hopefully I'll stop being a glutton this week.  It seems like something so minor--especially when I'm burning off so many calories with my half marathon training, but it's not a calorie issue.  I'm eating junk food when I'm not at all hungry, and it's gotten out of control.  And the Lord is good enough to have convicted me about it.  It seems so small, but God is too holy to allow even seemingly small things to slip by.  I've been using food for fulfillment--even if just a little.  And when I'm seeking fulfillment in ANYTHING besides God, that thing is my idol.  And that's just not good enough.  So I'll be trying to get back on track this week--reminding myself that my hope is ONLY in the Lord.  I'm grateful the Lord is good enough to show me even the failures that seem innocent.

This week:

--Hopefully will eat better--in ways that nourish my body and fuel it....

--...because I'm aiming for another 11 mile run this week.

--Yeah...I'd better reread that book I need to review so I have something to blog about on Fiction Friday.  Lol.

--Figure out some financial/job/grown up type stuff.  I'm a slacker.

--Really try to put my hope in the Lord (and only in the Lord) in all circumstances.  It's hard. 

I'm glad He gives us grace. 
Happy Monday!

Fiction Friday: Writing Towards

I know.  I know.  I blog a lot about running.  I don't see this trend ending anytime soon--at least not till after May 19, the quickly-approaching day of my first (and perhaps only--but I am starting to highly doubt that) half-marathon.  Now if only I can make it through the rest of this post without any more parenthetical comments....

When people post about running on Facebook or other places, there's always some Smart Alec who asks the question, "What exactly are you running from?"  It's a bad joke, of course, meaning that no one in their right mind would be running unless something ghastly was chasing them.  And honestly, I used to rely on an imagined monster when I first started running.  I guess I was still in my right mind at that point, because I didn't like running, at first.  I started imagining monsters that were chasing me, giving me an incentive to keep going.  Only, I hated running so much that I couldn't think of a scary enough monster.  If given the choice between getting eaten by something and continuing to run, I would have chosen getting eaten by something.   Every monster I thought of wasn't scary enough.

So eventually I was clever enough to invent a monster that gave me adequate motivation.  I imagined a Giant Treadmill Monster was chasing me, promising that if it caught me, it would make me run on it forever and ever.  That got me through the first few months of running--until I figured out that the longer I went on each run, the easier it got.  The first two miles are usually two of the hardest, but once I get through them, my body figures out that I'm not going to die, and it's a lot easier to find a rhythm and keep going.

And I'm sure at this point all three of my regular readers are wondering what all of this has to do with fiction.  I'm getting there.  Like with the first couple miles of running, sometimes I have to get through a few paragraphs before I figure out what's going on.

There are still times when I am running away from things when I'm running.  Last week, when I ran my first ten miles, it wasn't that hard.  My legs went numb for a while, and of course I was tired, but it really was one of my better runs.  I think it was because I had just gone through a really long and stressful week at work, and I just needed to run away from the noise and chaos that comes with working with large numbers of children.  In that instance, I was running away from something.  There was nothing wrong with that.

But most of the time, I'm not running away from anything.  In fact, I'm running towards something.  I'm running towards the goals I've set for myself.  I'm running towards getting that 13.1 sticker/magnet for the back of my car.  I'm running towards just the feel of the wind on my face and the rhythm of my shoes on the pavement.  Sometimes I just set one foot in front of the other, knowing that with every step I take, I'm one step closer to the One who has created me for His pleasure and glory.

The other day I had to take the middle girl I watch, "The Diva," to her indoor soccer practice.  I always bring a book with me, because even though I'm immensely proud of the girls' soccer accomplishments, I really just don't get soccer.  If it doesn't involve bases and a bat, I don't get it.  In fact, I don't really get baseball either, but I get it better than most sports.  So for soccer practices, I bring a book to entertain my brain for an hour, occasionally looking up just in time to see "The Diva" score a goal. 

Well, I didn't plan very well the other day, and I finished the book about halfway through soccer practice.  So I tried to watch soccer for half an hour, but my mind started wandering.  I was watching "The Diva," thinking about how much fun she and her sisters are.  I was thinking about all the people in my life, all the things I love about my life.  And my mind drifted back to the book I had been reading, and I realized that while the book was good, it didn't hold a candle to my life.  Now, right now, I don't know if I'd say that I'm the happiest I've ever been, but I think I'm the most joyful that I've ever been.  I feel more beautiful than I've ever felt.  I feel more like me.  And I realized that none of the stories that I write, as much as I love them, aren't nearly as important to me as the life God has given me.

And I realized that there might be a reason why I'm not writing as much as I used to write.  I don't have as much time, obviously, but there is more to it than that.  When I was younger, I used to write to escape life.  I suppose that's one of the reasons fiction exists.  Yes, there's the entertainment factor, but sometimes fiction is a form of escapism.  We want to forget our own world and our own troubles for awhile and get inside the world of fictional characters.  We want to read the book, watch the play or movie or television show, just to experience something other than reality. 

That's one of the reasons I used to write.  Reality was either too painful or too boring, so I invented my own worlds and characters.  I was using writing to run away from the real world.  I'm not sure when I stopped doing that.  I'm not sure when I stopped "writing away from" reality, when I started investing more in the life I'm actually living instead of the fantasies I sometimes wish I could be living.  But the fact that I no longer have that particular motivation might be one of the reasons why I don't write as often as I did in the past.

The desire to write still exists, of course.  I am a writer.  I wouldn't be me if I didn't write.  But I don't make as much time for it as I used to.  And maybe I need to reevaluate the things I'm writing towards.  There are dreams and goals and visions I have for my writing.  There is simply joy to be found in the act of writing, of putting pen to paper or allowing my fingers to freely type across the keyboard.  There's also the ultimate reason of writing because the One who has made me for His pleasure has graciously given me the pleasure of writing.  The Creator has breathed into me creativity, giving me the chance to experience just the smallest idea of how it feels to create something.  And if I'm not writing for His glory, then all the other reasons seem...well, sort of silly.

I don't believe that the Lord has given me the ability and desires to write or run or sing or do anything I do without a reason.  With this belief, with this knowledge, I gain the freedom to try just about anything--whether I succeed or fail--knowing that all things work together for good for those who love God and who are called according to His purpose. 

I'm not "writing away from" anything anymore.  I'm not escaping.  I'm not trying to find some relief from the real world.  Rather, God has given me such great joy in the real world, and I'm suddenly struck with the awareness that I can't keep the gifts He has given me to myself. 

So I write.  I write towards the hope that He will do more than I could ever ask or imagine through my writing, through me.  I keep saying how much of a weak fool I am, and I keep saying that because it's true.  The only hope for me is that the Lord has chosen the weak to shame the strong, the foolish to shame the wise. 

But that's a great hope, friends.

Monday Blahg: Sunday Came!

Last week was Spring Break for the main school system around here, which meant my schedule was both 1) different and 2) busy.  The preschool where I work was closed; the kids I nanny for were out of town.  With two out of my four jobs out of the picture, you'd think I'd be less busy.  Well, at times I was.  I still managed to work every day last week (except for Sunday, of course).  And when I was at work, it was INSANE.  I couldn't WAIT for Sunday to come.

But I found some nice pockets of time where I was able to take care of some things. 

--I finished reading a book I need to review, but I think I'm going to reread it before getting to that.

--I actually found a little time to edit my second book.  It wasn't much, but it was something--which is way better than nothing.  I'm a little discouraged at how bad the beginning of this book still is, and I have a feeling I'm going to have to send the first several chapters through the "editing mill" a few more times before I'm even close to being happy.  But honestly, this is part of the writing gig.  I've got to put on my big girl pants and get used to the idea.  Praying for a breakthrough though...it needs something....

--I finally found time to run ten miles!  What with work and unexpected rain delays, I didn't know if I'd have the time, much less the energy, to do it.  But Friday, after work, God provided both the time and the energy and the strength (and beautiful, nearly perfect 60ish degree weather).  I can't describe the feeling, when I put my foot down on that concrete at the end of the sidewalk, realizing I, pansy girl Ruth Campbell, had just run ten miles.  I know I keep repeating myself, but I'm still in total shock that God has allowed me to run and allowed me to enjoy it.  For me, running has become an act of worship, like writing, singing, etc.--and really, everything I do is supposed to be an act of worship.  But unlike writing, singing, etc., running doesn't come easily or naturally for me.  I have to hope in the Lord to give me strength (and renew my strength) with every step that I take.  It has been quite an adventure, and I can't shut up about it.  I'm not sure that I'm supposed to shut up about it.  The running, etc. group (http://www.thesecondwind.net/) I run with has just started up a new spring season, and I'm excited about what God is doing.  If you're in the Raleigh, NC area, come join us! 

--I drank tea.  And sat in the rocking chair on my front porch.  And read a book.  That's a big deal.
--I watched a movie for fun because I wanted to.  The Muppets.  Really good.  I laughed SO hard. 

--I had to buy a new tire.  Saturday morning, I had planned to help out with an Easter Egg hunt at my church, but when I tried to drive there, I found that my tire was flat.  So, I spent the morning at the tire shop instead.  Turns out there was a hole in the side of the tire, where they could not repair it.  Two of my tires were under warranty, but of course, the damaged one was not one of them.  So, after an oil change, a new tire, a warranty plan on said new tire, and some other stuff, I put a lot of money on the credit card I'm actually trying to pay off.  So, my debt is growing instead of shrinking.  But--it's really not a big deal.  Unexpected stuff happens.  I have far too much to be thankful for to get stressed over money.

Honestly, with all the various work issues and tire issues and life issues of last week, I was really ready for a break.  I was ready for Easter to come.  And it came.  It didn't just come yesterday, but it came 2000 years ago.  Jesus didn't stay in the grave.  Death could not hold Him.  And so no matter what else happens, I have hope.  My hope isn't in me.  My hope isn't in my finances or my jobs.  My hope isn't in my abilities, as if I could claim credit for even the ones that come easily.  Everything I have is a gift, and sometimes gifts are hard to accept.  Sometimes it's hard to accept that I'm a weak sinner and that I can't do anything to save myself.  Sometimes it's hard to accept the grace of God--but Jesus died so that I could have that grace.  My hope is in Him.

And this week:

--I want to run another ten miles.
--I want to get back to the old work routine.  I miss my preschool kids and the girls I watch!
--I want to edit my book some more.
--I want to start reading Slide by Jill Hathaway.  Amazon finally delivered it, and I finally finished the other book so I can start it!
--I want to play my guitar for more than just a few minutes.  Something tells me it's time to write another song soon.
--I so need to work on a job application.

Yeah.  There's lots of things I want to do.  I don't know if I'll do them.  Unexpected things (like flat tires) happen.  And that's okay.  Everything that comes my way is allowed by grace.  Everything that comes my way is an opportunity to trust God and love others.  And I don't have any reason to worry about any battles I face, because Christ has already won this war.

And this is still my song for 2012.  May it be a blessing as you start this week.  Hopeful Monday!

Monday Blahg: Free Timez Plz?

So...

My toe is blue. 

It's the middle toe of my left foot, just in case you wanted to know.

Why is it blue? 

Oh, my toe is blue because I majorly bruised it while running 9 miles this week.  It was 82 degrees outside during that run.  I didn't get sick.  That's a big deal for me.  I was sure I was going to get sick, because I always get sick when it's over 78 degrees.  But I didn't.  BOOYAH!  Take THAT environmental factors!

I thought about taking a pic of my blue toe and posting the pic on the blog...

...but I figured most of my readers wouldn't really want to see that.

In fact, I'll bet that a few of my readers didn't even want to read about my blue toe, but since I've already told you about it, I might as well continue.

I talked to some more experienced runners about my toe, and they said that it's very normal, but my toenail will probably fall off eventually!  YAY!  A sports injury!  A sports injury!

...I'm either really weird, or really awesome, or both at the same time.  You be the judge.

So when the blue toe thing is the "front page headliner" of my blog, you know the rest of my week was pretty lame.  What else did I do this week?

--I did see a Gilbert and Sullivan show.  Having a roomie who plays violin and can sometimes get me free tickets to shows she's playing in, yeah, that comes in handy.  I'm so spoiled.  The show was "Iolanthe," which was a wonderful combination of politics and...fairies.  It was imaginative and hilarous, and the music was lovely. 

--I pet a kitty.

--I also...uh...um...hmm...

Honestly, I don't remember much else from this week.  I think it's because I didn't do anything besides work.  I worked a lot.  And when I wasn't working, I was either running/exercising, watching live theater for free, petting kitties, or sleeping (and honestly, I didn't do as much of that as I wanted to do).  So...there wasn't much long-term productivity there, but every week can't be awesome.

But this week is Spring Break for my preschool AND the family I nanny for is going on vacation (the kids' Spring Break, too).  While I'm hoping to pick up some extra hours from the drop-in childcare center(s), I'm also kind of hoping to have at least one FULL day off.  Even if I can't have a full day off, it will be nice to only have work a few hours on some days.

Hmm.  What would I do with a full day off (or most of a day off)?


--Run ten miles?  Gotta try to do it this week anyway....

--FINALLY get back to editing my book?  I've really been slacking on that.

--Clean my room?  Definitely needs to be done. 

--Finish reading the book I'm eventually supposed to review, or at least make some progress with it.  I don't do well with books I'm supposed to be reviewing, because it's kind of like homework.  I don't want to do it because I have to do it.

--Scream and run in joyous circles because I have some blessed time off?

...it might be that last one.  I might spend all my free time rejoicing because I'll be so happy to have free time that I won't be able to contain my exuberance!  I will just go find a meadow somewhere and frolic!

...and then I'll be sad again because I wasted all that free time frolicking in some random meadow.  ...and my free time will be gone.

Happy Spring Break! 

And if it's not Spring Break for you, then, uh, well...Happy Regular-Type Monday and stuff.
Blah.

Monday Blahg: Getting Back on Track

A funny thing happens when the internet breaks.  Life pretty much stops.

So it doesn't really, but it feels that way.

Of course, the entire internet didn't break, but apparently the magical internet box in my apartment was struck by lightning or something.  As nothing else seemed to be damaged, and it was all plugged into the same power strip, I don't think it was lightning. 

...really, I suspect Voldemort.

A nice wizard from the school of cable craft and wizardry came and brought us a new magical internet box, but that wasn't until Thursday.  Our internet was down on Saturday night.  Until Thursday.  That's like...a long time, yo.

So I took that as a sign to take off a week from the blogging universe. 
I know, I know.  I missed you, too. 

What happened while I was away?

--I had a birthday.  It was excellent and adventurous.  You can read all about it (including my terrifying encounter with a giant praying mantis and my even more terrifying encounter with a dude at Walmart) here.

--I volunteered for a race with The Second Wind.  By "volunteered" I mean that I got in the way a lot and generally confused anyone who asked me questions, but it was a lot of fun and I learned some of the stuff that goes on behind the scenes at racing events.

--I ran nine miles in one afternoon--my best yet.  I'm definitely getting there. 

--I finished reading A Million Suns by Beth Revis.  Can't wait till the final book in the trilogy comes out in January!!

--I gave blood.  It was kind of on an impulse.  I saw there was a blood drive.  I asked my boss if I could leave a little early so I could donate.  I was the last person to sign up and give--and there were no other donors there.  All of the workers were focused on me.  I was in and out in less than 45 minutes, which has got to be some kind of record.  I think the people were just tired and wanted to go home, so they didn't yell at me when I only spent five minutes at the "refreshment center."  They just shrugged and said, "If you feel okay, go home."  Given my awkward blood donation history, this most recent blood donation was pretty awesome.  I mean, as awesome as an experience can be when it involves being stabbed with needles.  But yeah, I'm pretty awesome at giving blood.  Just sayin'.

--I spent some quality time with some quality people.  I'm so blessed with friends (and their kids) !!!

--I saw "The Hunger Games" movie.  Expect to read more about that in this week's Fiction Friday blog.  I'll say no more for now.

--I probably gained back five pounds because I've been eating like a piggy.

My plans for this week:

--Getting back on track.

Yeah.  That's about it.  Seriously...the lack of internet thing threw my whole week off.  I need to get back on track with eating healthy.  I need to get back on track with editing.  I need to work on some job application stuff.  I need to just relax and spend some quality time with the Lord.  Honestly, I'm still struggling with putting my hope in other things besides Him.  I'm learning that renewing my focus, my mind, and my heart is a daily thing.  I need it, I need Him daily, moment by moment.

Well, happy Monday, and may the odds ever be in your favor. 

...or something like that.

Where They're Coming From

(If you take offense at my ending the title of this blog with a preposition, feel free to call the Grammar Brute Squad, but keep in mind that I've been one of their favorite snitches for years.  They're apt to show me leniency for such a minor offense, especially since it's in my own blog.  In fact, they might even come after you for trying to rat me out.  The Grammar Brute Squad is funny like that.)

I had a hard run yesterday.  This blog is going to be short, mostly because I had a hard run yesterday.  You see, I'm actually writing this blog yesterday.  It will post today, because that's when I'm going to schedule it to be posted, but I'm writing it yesterday, which is actually my today, but by tomorrow it will be my (and your) yesterday. 

Hmm.  That made no sense.  I'm too tired to try again.

So I had a hard run yesterday.  After I finished my eight miles, I started cooling down by walking around the park at a VERY slow pace.  My body ached so badly (what they don't tell you is that it doesn't really hurt until you stop running) that I couldn't really walk any faster...unless I had to because something was chasing me.  But nothing was chasing me.  So I walked slowly.

As I was walking, this lady passed me.  I wondered what she thought of me (because I've been known to be overly self-conscious from time to time...or most of the time).  I was walking slowly, yet completely out of breath, hot, and sweaty.  I wondered if perhaps she thought that I was just pathetically out of shape (she probably didn't think this, and probably didn't even notice me, but I always wonder).  After all, she just saw me walking.  She didn't know I'd just spent the previous hour and 45 minutes or so running my legs off.  Uh, not literally.

It made me think that it's often too easy to judge people when we don't have any clue about where they're coming from (go ahead...summon the Grammar Brute Squad...I dare you).  We get upset with rude people.  We look down on someone whose behavior is self-destructive.  We judge based on appearances and first impressions.  We don't stop and think about why they might be looking or acting that way.  We don't stop and think about what might have happened to them before we've encountered them.  We don't think about people's stories.

At least I don't. 

But you're probably a better person than I am.

And I'm going to just go ahead and schedule this to post tomorrow...which is actually my today...and go to bed now so you can read this after I've woken up again on my tomorrow...which is your today.  ...though right now I feel as though I could sleep about a year.

Hoping in the One Who Renews My Strength

A year ago, I could not run half a mile without feeling like I was going to die.  I know it was a year ago, because I just looked it up.  I posted this blog on March 10, 2011, in which I stated, and I quote, "I have a feeling I'm not going to be able to physically run a 5K."

That reminds me of all those times when I told people that I didn't want to even bother trying to lose weight because with my body structure, I'd never be able to fit in anything smaller than a size ten.  I currently wear a size six.

And I have run a 5K.  Two of them (actual races, not just the distance...I've run that distance LOTS of times).

I've also run a 10K.

Yesterday, I ran 8.1 miles.  I'm 5 miles away from running a half-marathon.  And today I bit the bullet and finally registered for one in mid-to-late May.  The race is taking place where my sister lives, which means I can visit family and run my legs off all in one fun-filled weekend! 

Anyway, I'm not saying any of that to brag on myself.  I was happy being a speed-walker who thought running was for the crazies.  Now, I am one of the crazies!   My introduction for running was seemingly (but not at all) by random coincidence.  I just wanted to run a 5K that my boss was sponsoring (meaning I had free registration).  I never meant to actually become a runner.  I never meant to actually enjoy running.  If you had told me a year and a half ago that I would be training for a half-marathon, I'd have laughed at you.  Now, I'm the one who's laughing.

I'm laughing because God has the greatest sense of humor, and because He's very gracious to me.  Just as I was starting to get really into running, a sports ministry (http://www.thesecondwind.net/) was starting up through some triathletes at my church.  I, Ruth Campbell, the most uncoordinated, non-athletic person alive (a bit of an exaggeration, but not that much of one), found myself involved in a SPORTS ministry.  It's hilarious.  It's a hilarious, wonderful, awesome, beautiful, crazy example of how God proves me wrong all the time.  I don't think I'll ever be a fast runner (but I'm learning to never say never), but the fact that God has brought me from where I was to where I am now is extraordinary.  My God is extraordinary!

Yesterday, as I was running my 8(.1) miles, there were several moments where I just lifted my head up towards the blue, blue sky and raised my hands in the air.  I was at a public park, but I didn't care who saw me.  Yesterday was more than just a workout, and it was more than just training.  It was worship.  My hope was in the Lord, and He was renewing my strength.  And I don't know how well I'll do in this half-marathon I've signed up for, but I plan on finishing with my heart and lips full of praise for the God who is able to do more than I could ever ask or imagine through me. 

It kind of makes me bold enough to try to do other things that are difficult or even, from my perception, impossible for me to do.  I'm not strong.  I'm not wise.  I'm not all the things the world says I'm going to have to be if I'm to accomplish my dreams.  "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will mount up with wings as eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31  All things are possible with God.

Monday Blahg: Toddler Words

Toddlers are pretty much in the top ten list of my favorite things ever.  They've still got that "new kid smell."  Their heads are big and their bodies are little, so when they walk, they look like adorable little mobile bobble heads.  They're also great for snuggles and general cuteness.  I like the way everything is so new to them--everything is dramatic and exciting.  They're also learning about how this world works, which leads to a lot of funny and adorable situations.  I also love it when they start talking.

The other day I was just being weird (that happens a lot) and I pointed to one of the kid's hair bows.  I was holding another child, and I said, "Look at your friend's pretty hair bow.  It's so pretty and big.  In fact, it's tremendous."

The kid looked at me curiously, so I said, "Can you say 'TREMENDOUS'?"

The kid considered it a moment and said:

"Grape."

Yes.  I love toddlers.

Lately, though, I've realized that there is a certain "toddler word" in my vocabulary that I've been saying too much.  There's also a certain "toddler word" that I haven't been saying enough. 

The first of these "toddler" words is "MINE."  I've been saying "MINE" far too much lately.  I've been getting upset if something interrupts MY schedule or MY time or MY agenda.  I've been getting angry if someone suggests I give a little of MY energy to them.  I've been stressed because I feel as though I haven't had the time to do the things that I want to do.

...but time doesn't belong to me.  I can call it "MINE" all I want, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm just a steward.  God has given me the time that I have, so it really belongs to Him.  Yes, He's called me to do some things with the time that He's given me, but that does NOT give me the right to get upset if something interferes with the plans that I've made, even if they coincide with things He's given me to do.  His schedule isn't my schedule.  Sometimes I feel as though I've got to get things done according to MY plans--when really, life is going to be full of detours, and sometimes those are God-breathed, too.  I'm reminded that everything that comes my way is filtered through grace.  God has allowed it.  If there's an interruption to the plans I've made, then God has allowed that interruption.  It might set me back a little in the things I want to do or feel as though I need to do, but it also allows me two opportunities: the opportunity to trust God, and the opportunity to show love to others.  I can't say I've succeeded in either of those things lately, but God does give more grace.  God uses even my failures to shape me into His image, which is part of the mysterious beauty of grace.

The "toddler word" I haven't been saying enough lately is "NO."  I need to be more flexible.  I need to stop looking at time as "MINE."  At the same time, I have to realize that I'm not Wonder Woman.  There is a point when I have to say that I can't do something--not because I'm being stingy with the time I've been given, but because there are other things that I need to be working on--or simply because I need rest.  I tend to want to please everyone, but that isn't possible.  And when I over-commit, I tend to not do anything as well as I could be doing it.  Sometimes, and perhaps even usually, it's better to commit to a few things and devote my full energy to those few things, instead of trying to take on everything at once.  ...because in the end, I just get frazzled and cranky, and no one likes a frazzled and cranky me--especially not me.

So, basically, life got interrupted and I didn't accomplish most of the goals I had for last week.  But...

-- I ran seven miles at one time (PERSONAL BEST!)--ten miles total for the week.  I'm probably going to be registering for a half marathon in a few days, after hammering out some details.  The seven miles was HARD, and the thought of running almost twice that makes me want to cry and/or take a nap and/or drown myself in a hot fudge sundae.  ...but my body is getting stronger, and if I'm going to do this, then the time is NOW.

--I made a little extra income, which will either help me pay off my taxes or will allow me to go visit family for my birthday.

--I spent some time with several friends that I haven't seen in a while.  I was grateful for those opportunities.  Sometimes I get so busy that I forget to make time to see the people that are so important to me. 

This week, if God doesn't change my plans again, I hope to:

--Run another seven miles. 

--Register for that half marathon!

--Finally take a look at that first novel again, with the intention of eventually (SOON!) sending out some more query letters.

--Get back to editing the second novel.

--Get back into reading other peoples' fiction.

--Continue blogging as I have been (both with Poor Reflections and Adventures in Social Awkwardness.  I've been on a pretty good blogging streak, and the reader numbers are some of the highest they've ever been.  THANK YOU FOR READING!  I think I need to come up with some kind of reward for March...

...let's say that if either Poor Reflections or Adventures in Social Awkwardness gets over 700 reads next month (March, in case you'd lost track), I will compose and post an original song expressing my gratitude to all my readers.

...there I go with that "my" thing again...

Food for Thought: How do you respond when your plans are interrupted?  Can you think of any specific examples of times when you had to ditch your own agenda to make room for God's agenda?  Do you ever find yourself over-committing?  (If you want, share your thoughts in a comment)

Monday Blahg: Mon. in Tights

Balance isn't my strong point.  I might have mentioned that before...

As it is still January, I don't feel too badly about the fact that I'm still getting used to the idea of eating this whale one bite at a time.  Some of my goals, I'm doing well on.  Others...not so much.

-I've completed week three of my diet, and I've lost a total of about 8 pounds.  I still have about 7-10 pounds more to go before I start focusing on maintenance.  My pants are fitting better!

-The running isn't going well, but at least it's going.  I'm not sure if it's not just still too cold outside for me, or what, but my lungs have hurt every time I've run recently.  Still figuring that one out...  At least my pansy ankle isn't hurting as much.  The new running shoes are helping a lot!

-The editing has gone really well this week.  The deal with my second novel is that the beginning sucks, but the middle and the end are actually pretty good (though they definitely need some work).  I'm in the process of trying to make the beginning of the novel as good as the ending.  This basically just involves brutally ripping it apart so I can lovingly piece it back together again.  I also want to make some of the Christian elements a little more natural, a little less forced.  I really think I've got something good here, something that's definitely worth the work.  I'm loving getting reacquainted with these characters I haven't met with in a while.  They're pretty amazing--and that has very little to do with my skills as a writer.  They were easy to write.  I just have to do them justice by figuring out their story to the best of my ability.

-I have talked with one guy about the website stuff, but I need to talk with some other people.  I really wanted this up and running by now, but I haven't been proactive about it.  I have confidence that it will happen.  I just need to get my act together and ask for the help I need.  ...and then just do it. 

-Same goes with the song recording stuff.  I need to stop being a pansy and ask for help.  ...and then just do it.

Other random stuff from this past week:

-I discovered I like tights.  I haven't worn tights since I was like four, but recently I've started wearing them again.  I'm not about to start wearing them as pants or anything, like some people do, but I like them better than just plain pantyhose.  Why?  For one thing, I'm not nearly as comfortable with the word "pantyhose" as I am with the word "tights."  And for another thing, tights make me think of this:





-On a much less awesome note, the other night I cleaned up a kid's vomit with my bare hands (and about a gazbillion lysol wipes).  Yeah.  Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.  Apparently, I have the super power of being able to control my gag reflex in emergency situations.  I'm pretty sure I have some other hidden super powers, and I plan to use them to hunt down whoever it was who used the last of the disposable gloves and didn't inform management that we were out.

-I found out that the whole Poblano (NOT Portabella) Alfredo sauce incident wasn't a total loss.  Since I had a jar of it, I decided to try it on spaghetti squash.  I thought it would be a disaster, but surprise!  Alfredo sauce on spaghetti squash tastes somewhat like mac and cheese.  ...if you use your imagination.  ...if you have a really good imagination.  And I do.

-I don't *think* I'm going to owe much on my taxes this year (in fact, I'm daring to hope for a refund).

-I'm having to stop myself from picking up The Hunger Games.  I plan on rereading it before the movie comes out in March...but it's too soon for that reread now.  Plus, I really don't have time to get obsessed with Peeta Mellark...again.

-"Cards Against Humanity" is almost as much fun as "Apples to Apples."

-I found out that I actually like writing book reviews and kind of want to keep doing that.  So if anyone knows of any authors or publishers willing to give away any ARCs (Advanced Reader Copies...and also my initials) of their books in exchange for reviews, direct them towards me!

Ways you can pray for me this week:

-That I will have a good, encouraging attitude at work (even if work involves cleaning up vomit).

-General tiredness.  I feel like I could use a week of personal days, but if I don't work, I don't get money.  If I don't get money, I don't eat.  ...wait...this could be a pretty good diet plan.  ...Nah.
 
-Wisdom in editing my book--I believe this project is really something special, not because of me, but because of what God is doing through me.  I really feel unworthy to be a writer/editor sometimes.  This book humbles me.  Pray I figure out how to make it all come together in ways that best honor my characters, and best glorifies the Lord.

-Courage regarding the things that scare me or make me uncomfortable--like asking for help and being persistent about asking for help.

Okay, that's enough for this Monday.  Have a good one with lots of strong coffee!!!

Hump Day Blahg!

Things I’ve learned in the past week:


-Never turn your back on a Dragon.

-Good running shoes make a HUGE difference.

-When the sun doesn’t come out to play for several days in a row, I start feeling unproductive, apathetic, and just plain lazy.

-I am terribly out of shape, considering the fact I want to run a half marathon.

-“Let’s go bother our friends in ‘Time Out’” is NOT Miss Ruth’s favorite kid game.

-Eating cheap protein bars from the Dollar Tree is like chewing on soy candles.

-My second novel is going to need a LOT of editing, but after taking a good look at it, I really think it's going to be worth ithe work.

-Roasted seaweed is awesome, but should not be eaten a few hours before a run—unless you like burping up that fishy taste again, and again, and again.

-Sometimes, you just really need a turkey sandwich.

-I should not go shopping for pasta sauce when I’m tired and hungry, lest I mistake the word “Poblano” for the word “Portobello.” Portobello is a variety of tasty tasty mushroom that belongs in tasty tasty pasta sauces (among other places—like in my belly). Poblano is a variety of pepper that should never be used in pasta sauce, unless you’re a weirdo who likes their Alfredo sauce to taste like spicy queso dip.

-I’m starting to look my age, my age isn’t all that young anymore, and I need to find a way to cope with both of those facts.  Also, I'm vain.

-Sometimes (usually) when people ask you how you’re doing, they really don’t want you to tell them every little detail of what’s going on in your life.

-I’m still really bad about asking for help with the big stuff.

-I hate surveys.

-I’m not one of those people who can go without using shampoo at least every three days. My hair doesn’t get too greasy, but it just doesn’t flow right if it’s not good and clean. Once again, I'm a bad hippy...not a hippy who does bad things, but a hippy who's not good at being a hippy.

-I actually have a reason to shop at Harris Teeter, now. Their store brand Naturals yogurt is low calorie and has no artificial sweeteners. Plus it's fairly inexpensive, tastes good, and has seven grams of protein.

-Nobody besides me cares about the amount of calories, protein, and artificial sweeteners in their yogurt.

-I think about food too much.

-I’m unable to part from my travel coffee mug of three years. The lid cracked on my old one, so here is what I did.  I bought a new cup of the same style, stole the new lid from the new cup, and put it on my old cup. Now I am happy.

-I'll have lived in Wake Forest for six full years as of tomorrow.  I've also been working at the same drop in childcare center for almost six years.  It kind of makes me wonder what I've been doing with the last six years of my life....



-I have a lot to do and should probably stop blogging.

Happy Wednesday!

Monday Blahg: Pansy Ankle...among other things

Phew!  Last week was busy.  I had my first day off in two weeks yesterday, and it was MARVELOUS! 

Things I accomplished last week:

--Finished reading a book (second read-through) AND wrote a review on it.
--Successfully began my diet/exercise regimen, restricting extra calories so I'd get a good start on things.  I think I went a little too low on calorie intake this week.  I lost about 5 pounds, which is too much, even for the first week.  So that means I get to eat more!  Hooray food!  I also hurt my ankle (just a little) while running (it was just really sore/achy).  I badly sprained that ankle about 8 years ago, and apparently my ankle is now a pansy.
--I started and finished knitting a scarf for "The Princess" (7 yr old I watch), who requested a "purple, yellow, red, green, and blue" scarf.  I asked her if she wanted a rainbow scarf.  She said, "Yes.  So NO pink, because pink isn't in the rainbow."  So I found some rainbow yarn (w/out pink) and made a scarf.
--I made a spreadsheet that will hopefully help me keep up with my writing and editing, as well as my efforts towards getting published.  I'm not sure this spreadsheet is the best format, but it's a work in progress.
--I kinda sorta cleaned my room, but not really.  I utilized the "shove everything under the bed" method. 

Things I want to try to accomplish this week:
--I plan to contact a couple people about the website I'm working on.  I need their help if it's going to happen, so I've got to be proactive about talking to them.
--I plan to contact someone about recording a music project--and will hopefully set a time when I can actually get something recorded.  I need a deadline to work towards!
--I plan on completing the second read-through of one of my friend's books.
--I plan on starting another scarf for "The Diva" (the 10 year old).  She has requested light blue and yellow.
--I plan on beginning the tedious process of editing my second novel.
--I plan on continuing the diet/exercise plan, making adjustments as needed.  My ultimate goals in dieting this year are first to get back to the weight I was before I started gaining again, AND to learn how to maintain that weight.  I'm trying to determine an average of how many calories I burn each week, and compare that with the average calories I eat in a week.  These numbers need to be pretty close, because I'm tired of the dieting yo-yo.
--I plan on going to one of those running stores that measures you for shoes and evaluates your running style to see what kind of extra support you need.  My old shoes are cheap and just aren't cutting it.  That might be one of the reasons my ankle keeps being a pansy.  If I'm going to run a half marathon this year, I'm going to have to start taking better care of my feet.  Can't have my ankle pansying out on me around mile 12....

So, with the things I want to accomplish, I realize that sometimes things just don't go as planned.  There are going to be things that happen this week that I don't expect, for which I can't plan.  There are going to be interruptions and things that deter me from completing my tasks.  I just want to have a written guideline of things I hope to accomplish (all the while keeping in mind that my true Hope is in God).  I also hope that posting them in a blog helps me feel a little more accountable to someone.  I don't think I'm going to accomplish all my weekly goals EVERY week, but I'm going to put forth an honest effort.  It's just that God's often got His own agenda with what He wants to do with my life, so I've got to keep an open mind about what I do with my time.  One of my New Year's Resolutions is to be more flexible.  (Good luck with THAT, Ruth.  Stop talking to yourself in your blog, Ruth.)

What are some of your goals, dreams, plans, hopes for 2012?

Happy Monday, and may your ankles be strong.

Thoughts on 2011

As Christmas and New Years get closer, I am thinking a lot about this past year.  I enjoy reading all those Christmas letters that people send, which talk about the accomplishments and events in the lives of their families.  I don't have a family--at least not one that doesn't live over 500 miles away--and somehow it seems lame to just write a Christmas letter about myself.  I did that last year--via facebook, because I'm too lazy to actually send out letters on actual paper.  This year, I'm a little too busy for a Christmas letter, but I do feel the need to write a little about 2011.  Here seems like a good place.

There are two things that stand out in my mind as I think about 2011.  I started running in February.  Part of me still can't believe that I'm a runner now, and that I actually enjoy it, and part of me can't believe there was ever a time that I didn't identify myself as a runner.  And really, by running, I mean jogging/waddling, but after living 30 years as a "I'll stick to power-walking, thank you" person, I'll take what I can get.  It's interesting that a few months after I began running, a running/swimming/bicycling group was started by a man at my church.  I don't think it's at all coincidence; the Lord prepared me at just the right time for this, and I think it's hilarious that I'm actually part of a sports ministry.  I never would have thought that.  It's definitely something the Lord has done in my life.  I ran two 5Ks and a 10K in 2011, and I'm just itching to do a half marathon.  I think that's probably going to happen in 2012.  I kinda sorta really want a 13.1 sticker on the back of my car. 

The second thing that really stands out to me about 2011 is the overwhelming grace and generosity shown to me by both God and other people.  There were so many times that people gave me significant financial gifts to help me through somewhat major financial crises, to help me travel to visit my family, or just to help me in general.  Beyond that, I have had people help me out by looking at my car when it was being a jerkface, or doing things for me when I was too busy to get them done, or just treating me to coffee when I was stressed out.  I've been overwhelmed by the amount of generosity shown by others, and the grace of the Lord who loves me far more than I deserve.

I know the Lord has been working in my heart to actually ask for help when I need it.  I've had to ask for financial help, but I've also been stretched to ask for help in other areas.  I've had to ask people to look at my writing when it wasn't exactly comfortable for me to do so.  I've asked someone to help me start a website.  I'm in the process of asking for some help in recording some music.  These seem like little things, but I'm a pretty independent person who doesn't like to bother people.  But sometimes I need help, and if I'm going to get that help, I have to ask for it.  Sometimes that's nothing more than an act of obedient faith.  I'm working on that one--and fortunately God is patient!

I've become aware that while there is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it, I do need to do some major work towards being able to fully support myself financially.  I can't keep expecting others to get me out of trouble when it comes--and it always seems to come.  I might have to look for new work, which will mean even more changes in a 2012 that is promising a lot of change.  And I don't like change.

But, if you've read this blog recently, then you know that this season is all about hope for me.  I'm feeling very hopeful about what God has in store for me.  I know I can't do things on my own, and I'm still learning to ask for the help that I need--both from God and from other people.  Even though I'm definitely a little anxious, perhaps even scared about the change that's definitely coming, I'm looking forward to 2012 and what's going to come. 

Filtered Through Grace

You may remember the birthday par-tay I wrote about in my last post.  I needed that particular birthday par-tay to be over in time for me to be out the door at 4:15 so I could make it to my church choir practice at 4:30.  I discussed this with Miss Stefanie before agreeing to take the birthday par-tay gig.  She assured me they knew they were supposed to be completely done at 4:15, and that I would be able to leave on time. 

The birthday party (sorry, I couldn't pull of the par-tay thing anymore) didn't end until 4:25.  I practically pushed the family out the door at 4:30. 

And I was ticked off.  Not at Miss Stefanie, but at the situation.  And I'm making a public apology to Miss Stefanie right now, because while I didn't blame her for the incident, I did send her a not-nice text right after the party assuring her that I would NOT be doing any more birthday parties.  Basically, I was a jerk.

Sorry, Miss Stefanie.  You rock.  ...and I'm still not doing anymore birthday parties, but this time I'm not saying it in my "angry voice." 

But Sunday afternoon, as I was driving, already late for choir practice, I remember seething about the whole situation.  "I'm late!" I told myself.  "The people having the party made me late!  I agreed to be somewhere else right now, and I had to break a commitment!"  Really, it wasn't that big of a deal at all that I showed up 15 minutes late to choir practice, but I felt I had to be justifiably angry about something.  So I picked the whole "breaking a commitment thing" because it sounded nice and righteous.  Never you mind that I'm often about 5 minutes late just because I have trouble leaving my apartment on time....

Then yesterday, I really wanted to go running.  My foot was hurting over the weekend, and so I had decided to rest it until last night.  Then last night I was going to start training for my 10K (which is a month from today--yikes!).  It was all gonna work out.  I wasn't supposed to work last night--I was just "on call" because the mom I work for was "on call."  And she hardly ever gets called in.  But she did.  So I did, too.

And the dad was supposed to be home in time for me to meet with my running group, but then he wasn't.  That wasn't his fault and I didn't blame him.  It was just that by the time I got off it was too late to meet my running group, and in fact, it was too dark to go run at all.

So I went home with full intentions to get on my elliptical and at least get some exercise.  Instead, I threw myself a minor cranky-pants party and ate a few handfuls of candy corn. 

I was pouting.  I was pouting because things didn't go my way again.  And, once again, it was something good that I wanted to do that another obligation prevented me from doing. 

And after several minutes of being a cranky-pants, I finally started talking to God.  Only I wasn't being very nice about the whole thing.  The gist of my prayer was, "God, the stuff I'm wanting to do is good stuff.  I wanted to run and start training for that 10K, and I need to do it.  You know I need to do it.  Why would You allow that to be prevented from happening?  This is like the other night when I wanted to be on time for choir practice, and You allowed that to be prevented, too.  What's up with that?"

God  responded, "Oh, so you're asking me now?  I was wondering if you were ever going to get around to that.  Yes, I allowed this.  I allowed it because you obviously have something to learn from it."

Ouch.

It's been a slow, sometimes painful lesson, but God is gradually teaching me that every single thing that comes my way is filtered through grace.  I've said that before on here, and I'll probably say it again.  I'm repetitive because that's how I learn.  Through repetition.  As God's repeating these lessons and themes in my life, they're bound to come up again and again in my blogging. 

Everything that comes my way is something God allows.  As hard as it is for me to trust, this is a difficult concept to wrap my brain around.  If everything seems to be going well, God allows that.  If a kid gets snot all over my sweater, while I'm pleading, "Let's not snot Miss Ruth's sweater, please," God allows that.  If my brakes start making squeaky noises that lead me to assume I've got even MORE work that needs to be done on my car, God allows that.  If hectic life situations prevent me from doing something noble that I really want to do, God allows that.  And if God allows it, then God will provide grace to get through it, one way or another. 

Please don't think I'm making light of life.  I know the examples I listed above might seem really trite and unimportant.  Getting snot on my sweater isn't a huge deal.  Needing new brakes on my car is a little bit bigger of a deal.  But I have no idea what my readers are going through.  You might be experiencing a tremendous heartache that doesn't make sense.  You might have lost a loved one.  You might have found out someone you love has cancer.  You might be suffering through another month of unemployment and financial difficulty.  You might be struggling with addictions, with anger, with rejection, with fear.

I don't know what you're going through.  But I know that God is near to the brokenhearted.  And I know that His grace is sufficient.  God may or may not have caused whatever issues you're dealing with.  Sometimes our pain is the result of our own sin; sometimes it's the result of someone else's sin.  Sometimes life just stinks.  Whether or not God has caused our pain and problems, He has allowed these things in our lives.  Sometimes that's to teach us something; sometimes that's just to bring us closer to what we really need in Him.  Honestly, I don't know all the reasons why we have to struggle.

But I firmly believe there is mercy in those struggles.  If He's allowed them, He will provide what we need to get through them.  It might not be what we expect or desire, but provision will be there.

Everything we encounter is filtered through grace.  And lately, the small inconveniences in my life have been opportunities to trust God.  They've also been opportunities to love others.  And sometimes I fail and sometimes I succeed, but God is faithful to keep teaching me in the midst of all of it. 

And I still have no clue where He's leading me, but I know He's changing me.  He's preparing me for something that's probably going to take a little bit of flexibility on my part.  These little tests He's allowing are preparing me for greater challenges that I'm going to face further down the road.  I'm learning.  I'm learning to love others even when they've inconvenienced me or even drastically hurt me.  I'm learning to trust God even when I can't see rhyme or reason for what's going on in my life.  I know I'm not there yet, but right now I'm just overwhelmed that God would love me enough to work on me, to make me more into the person He wants me to be. 

Sweater snot happens.  Flat tires and bum brakes happen.  Heartbreaks happen.  Deaths happen.  Pain and problems and annoyances and outbursts and bills and illnesses and stress and struggles happen. 

There is mercy in the struggle.

Everything is filtered through grace.

Everything is an opportunity to trust God and to love others.

We can't control what other people do to us, but we can choose to love.  We can choose to trust and obey.  It's not easy, but there's grace for that, too.

Sunday Update: Quick Version

I have to keep this quick because I have to go to work in a few minutes.  I typically do NOT work on Sundays, but there's a birthday par-tay at one of the places where I work, and no one else wanted to do it.  Neither did I, really, but somebody had to.  So, Miss Stefanie, if you're reading this, yes, you do owe me big time.  And I love you.  And you're awesome.  And I had better get out of there by 4:15, or I'm coming to get you in your sleep.

1. I got to talk to friends this week.  Actual friends.  That was nice.  In the world of multiple jobs and sometimes multiple personalities, it's nice to be able to find time to just grab a cup of coffee with a friend.  While I haven't done anything official towards my new project/experiment thing, I was able to get some good encouragement and some good ideas from those conversations.  I'm very grateful God gives us friends.

2. I signed up for a 10K (6.2 miles) which will take place on Nov. 5, which, in case you're keeping track of the passage of time, is just a little over a month from now.  Most days, I'm able to comfortably run 3 miles.  Sometimes I can do 4.  I haven't attempted more than that, and lately, my running has been increasingly difficult.  Last week I got sick on Saturday while trying to run.  I also got sick on Tuesday, partly because it was humid as...um, something really humid.  Thursday, however, I ran a really good 3 miles and would have run more if it wasn't already too dark for personal comfort.  Then Friday, my left ankle (which I badly sprained like 7-8 years ago) started hurting like the dickens.  Like the dickens, I tell you.  I don't even know what that phrase really means, but my ankle hurt.  So I'm hoping it's just being mean because it doesn't like the colder weather we've been having, because I really need my ankle to start being nice again.  A nice ankle or two are kind of important to training for and running a 10K.

3) I broke a rule and checked out a library book.  I"m not supposed to be reading right now--not for fun anyway.  But see, I was at the library with the kids I watch, and the almost 13 yr old recommended this book, so I HAD to check it out.  I haven't read it yet, so there's a possibility I might just take it back without getting caught up, but...yeah, I'll probably read it.  And the two books that follow it in the series. 

4) I need to start editing one of my books.  I was supposed to start that this week.  I did not.  Feel free to poke me with sharp objects until I start doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

5) Please keep praying for me for wisdom, courage, and a good kick in the pants.  And also that my ankle starts liking me again.  And that I don't die on November 5.

Thanks!

Being Intentional

My roommate was watching television, and I sat down to watch it with her.  It was some kind of PBS show, and we both sometimes tend to get a little too excited about PBS shows.  Do you think it's because we're awesome?  I think it's because we're awesome.  Anyway, this commercial came on for some sort of adventure show.  And the tagline was something like, "Adventure--with a purpose!" 

I squinted at the television, as I tend to squint at most things that confuse me, and I said, "Isn't the purpose of adventure simply to have an adventure?" 

My roommate didn't make eye-contact with me.  She wanted to avoid having a conversation with me about Narnia (apparently, she knows me well enough to know that my mind immediately went there).  When I kept looking at her, she admitted, "I saw the third Narnia movie.  I didn't like all the CGI."  And I could tell from her tone that she really didn't want to discuss anything else about it, because I tend to get a little crazy when I talk about Narnia.  But by that time, the fascinating PBS show about whales came back on, and she was saved. 

Saved by the whale.  Couldn't resist that pun.

But I've been thinking about purpose.  Ever since college, I've been hearing the phrase, "Be intentional."  I've never liked that phrase.  It's not that I don't agree with it, in theory, but I don't really see that being my personal style.  The "be intentional" phrase, at least in Southern Baptist circles (and even if I'm a member of a Southern Baptist church, I don't consider myself a Southern Baptist--but that's another story), is almost always used when talking about evangelism--leading people to Christ.  Some people seem to have some sort of second nature that allows them to always know what to say and when and how to say it.  They are able to take any conversation and naturally guide it into a conversation about Spirituality and God.  These are true evangelists. 

I'm not one of them. 

That doesn't let me off the hook about telling people what I believe and why I believe it, all the while wanting them to believe in Jesus, too.  It's just that I am not a natural evangelist.  I am not a natural people-person at all.  I get in moods where I need to be alone.  And for a long time, I thought there was something wrong with that, because honestly, that's what society (even Southern Baptist and Christian society) tells you.  But over the years I'd start to wonder if I was doing something wrong by not being intentional.  Except, I've learned that when I do try to be intentional, when I try to be anything instead of just being, then I'm going to fall on my face and NOT give glory to God.  That's just how it is.

I'm not talking about making an excuse for a lack of preparation.  We should be prepared.  Scripture is clear on that.  But if I go out and try to talk to just some random person about Christ, it's not going to be natural for me.  It's going to be wrong.  Why?  Because in my heart I know that I'm not trying to get to know that person; I'm just trying to evangelize them--get them to Jesus so I can move on.  And that's not right.

There are Christians who are able to meet people where they are and almost effortlessly lead them to Christ--and they do this through love, not through some Spiritual exercise where they feel they have to get another notch in their evangelism belt.  I'm sometimes tempted to be envious of them, except for these people are so genuine in their faith and love for everyone that I can't feel something as hateful as envy towards them.  It would be nice to be more like them, but then I'm reminded that God doesn't make cookie-cutter people.  God made one me.  I'm the way I am for a reason.

I'm more of an encourager than an evangelist.  I like relationships that are built on more than just getting someone to Christ--although, I do know that's the most important thing.  But I'm not the sort of person who can just meet someone and say, "HEY, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT JESUS!"  I have done that before, and it did go well, but it was a special circumstance (I've been reading the Uglies series--can you tell?).  I was on a mission trip to Thailand, talking to Buddhist monks, and I actually experienced that awesomeness that comes when the Holy Spirit comes upon you, and I was His witness in the uttermost parts of the earth.  But that's the exception for me, not the norm.  The Holy Spirit works different ways in different people, and I'm just not typically that person who gets to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger about anything--especially not something personal.

What I have learned recently is that the Lord is using me in small ways in the lives of some of my non-Christian friends.  And I've found that it's a natural thing for me--not something that seems wrong at all.  Why?  Because I love these friends.  When difficult circumstances arise in their lives, it gives me an opportunity to naturally tell them about Jesus.  It allows me to tell them that I am praying for them, and to encourage them Scripturally--to reinforce that I have hope in my struggles because of Christ.  It's not about evangelism at that point--it's about love.

It's not that I'm against having a purpose or that I'm against being intentional.  I'm just not that person.  There are amazing godly people who are those people.  I'm more of the sort of person who sees the importance of the journey.  Friendships are important whether they're with Christians or nonChristians, and I don't think the main point of those friendships should be just to get them to Christ as soon as possible.  It's not always a copout to say that actions speak louder than words.  Sometimes I'm going to be much more of an effective evangelist by quietly showing who Christ is and who I am in Him, only speaking when it's natural to do so. 

At the same time, I am not comfortable being too comfortable.  So I'm doing a few purposeful things that kind of scare me a little bit.  I've joined a running group with my church--well, it's actually a multi-sport group, but running is one of the main components. The goal of the group is to encourage one another while also trying to build relationships with other runners, in the hopes of sharing Christ.  And even though I'm not a group sort of person or an intentional sort of person, I really just can't ignore the fact that I've just started running fairly recently, right as this group is starting out (Let me pause right here and laugh hysterically at the thought that I, Ruth Campbell, am in a SPORTS MINISTRY.  That's hilarious.  It really is.  God has a great sense of humor).  And last night I went and ran with them.  A lot of it was just me running by myself (which is how I prefer it, and I liked the fact that they let me do that), but I was still part of a group--a group with a purpose in mind. 

So we'll see how things continue to go.  I think I'm ready for some adventure. 

Tasty Excuses

I once said that I would never be able to fit in any clothes smaller than a size ten because of my extra-large birthing hips.  I now must face the reality that half my readers have probably stopped reading because I used the phrase "birthing hips" in the first sentence of this post.  If you're still reading, then I am happy to report that I am now a size six in pants and a size four in dresses. 

I once said that I would never be a runner.  I'm still not anything amazing, but I've come a long way from the girl who used to get completely wiped out after running just half a mile.  I am hoping to do a 10K in the fall, and then I might look into doing a half marathon in the spring.  We'll see what happens...

Anyway, I've been eating a lot of my words lately, and well, they actually taste pretty good.  The trouble is, the excuses I made that kept me from attempting the things I've accomplished lately also tasted pretty good when I was saying them.  "I'll never be truly skinny, so I guess it's okay to just keep eating whatever I want whenever I want."  "I'll never really be thin, so I'll just exercise occasionally.  And if my body feels like running, I'll just stick with walking anyway, because I can't keep up the running very long."  "I've got too much going on in my life to make time for exercise."  "It's too expensive to eat healthy foods when a box of mac and cheese is so cheap and will last me two or three meals." 

These things tasted really good while I was saying them.  They gave me all the reasons I needed to keep being fat, to keep being lazy, to keep being unhealthy.  And maybe some of them were true for a while.  I remember the first time I tried to start the diet and exercise routine in February of 2009, my grandmother died, and I wasn't able to deal with grief and all the other stuff in my life.  Diet and exercise was too much to add to all that was going on at that particular moment in my life.  That set me back a year...but it didn't set me back forever.

So I guess sometimes there are valid excuses, but I don't think they can be allowed to sustain you for very long.  Excuses are like food that's bad for you.  They taste good, but they aren't good for you.  They make you fat and comfortable while not really nourishing you.  And over the past year and a half, I've had to exchange all the tasty dessert words for other words.  Instead of saying, "Oh, there's no reason for me to do this because I'll never succeed," I've had to say, "I'm going to give this a try and see what happens."  Those words aren't as comfortable.  They aren't ice cream words.  They are carrot stick words.  Carrot sticks still taste good (to me anyway), but they aren't as comfortable and easy as a bowl of ice cream. 

But carrot sticks are good for you.  And doing something uncomfortable is good for you.  And it's easy to get proud of myself for accomplishing this amazing feat of losing 50+ pounds (60 is right around the corner!), especially when I discovered yesterday that I can totally rock a super cute size four dress.  But the truth is, there are a lot of areas in my life where I'm still eating too much ice cream. 

The prayer and Bible reading has gotten way off track lately.  It's easy and comfortable to sit under the banquet table God's prepared and wait for Him to throw scraps of grace to me, but He's invited me to sit at the table and dine with Him--if only I wouldn't be too lazy to get up off the floor. 

The writing.  Oh, yes, the writing.  It's like I've taken some kind of extended vacation from that.  Have I been busy?  Yes.  Last week was not an excuse--it was a reality.  I had other things to do besides writing, and they were vitally important.  But right now?  I'm housesitting.  I'm in a big house with a cat and it's really quiet.  It's like a retreat where I have time and space to write (when I don't have to go to work--sigh).  Am I writing?  No.  I'm watching cable tv and living it up.  It's easy to help myself to that big bowl of ice cream excuse that says, "I don't have cable at my apartment.  I don't usually watch tv like this.  When am I going to have another opportunity to watch such exciting and important programming as 'I Kid with Brad Garret'?"  Yeah.  The ice cream is tasty and comfortable, but not at all nourishing.  And I need some carrot sticks in my writing life for sure.  Maybe even a salmon filet.

This isn't to say that ice cream is necessarily bad.  I've lost weight and I still have something frivolous to eat almost every day (life without chocolate is almost not worth living).  Sometimes we need to excuse ourselves from work, from drama, from the daily grind of life.  It's just that we need to keep those excuses in balance--and I've said it before and will say it again--I'm horrible at balancing.  We can't live off ice cream and cake.  Those things have to be integrated meagerly into a steady diet of protein and vegetables and real solid food. 

I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm hoping to eat some of my words again.  All I can do is keep giving life a good try.  There will be failures and false starts, but as long as I keep choosing to risk instead of choosing what's safe and comfortable, I don't think I can truly be called a failure.

But no matter what else happens, I can still totally rock that super cute size four dress.

The Trouble With Being Multi-Talented

I can't dance.

I also can't play basketball.  Or baseball.  Or football.  Or soccer.  Or tennis.  Or ping pong.  Ok...let's just rule out anything that involves coordination.

I have lousy organizational skills and math and I are mortal enemies. 

I have no idea how to properly operate an iron--unless it involves melting fuse beads.

The only people I can impress with my drawing skills are under the age of six.

My cooking is hit or miss--usually miss.

I am a notorious plant killer.

I can't do a thing with hair...which is why mine usually just hangs there...threatening to eat small children.

With all the things I am BAD at, I have to admit, due to very little (or no) effort on my part, I'm also really good at a lot of things.  I also have a lot of interests.  I consider myself a decent writer, since, you know, I'm trying to sell a book and stuff.  I can sing--even if the only two vocal styles I have mastered are "the opera diva" and the "bad hippy."  My guitar skills leave MUCH to be desired, but I can fool a lot of non-musically-inclined people into thinking I'm a decent guitar player.  I write pretty good songs, too--at least they're good for someone who stinks at guitar. 

I'm good with kids, too.  For some reason, they seem to like me.  I think it's because they can tell I like them.

I'm a good listener, and I'm compassionate.  I'm an encourager  I know this because it's something people have consistently told me over the years.  Not braggin', just sayin'.  That's just the way God's made me.  I can't take credit for any of it.

In the past six months, I've discovered I like to run, too.  I'm not good at it, per se, and I have had to put effort into it, but I enjoy it.  And I'm starting to think there's a reason that all of the sudden I've gone from a pansy who vowed she'd stick with speed walking, to a pansy who is entertaining the idea of training for a half-marathon.  It's weird how things work out.  God's got a sense of humor, and that's all I'm going to say about that...for now.

I'm also an EXPERT in the fine art of sleeping.  I love me some sleep.  I don't get as much of that as I'd like, but yeah--sleep is definitely on my list of talents/interests.

See, I think life would be a lot easier sometimes if I was only good at one thing.  What's that old saying?  "Do one thing.  Do it well."  I've never been able to pick just one thing to do.  That's my problem.  I remember sitting with my advisor at my first college--the advisor they assigned to all the students who were too wishy-washy to pick a major.  He told me, "Ruth, your problem is that you're good at too many things.  You like to do too many things.  If you only had one interest or if you were only good at one thing, then we could narrow down your choices for a major." 

Long story short, I dropped out of school (partly because I couldn't pick a major and at that point they were forcing me to pick a major) and eventually transferred to another school where I graduated with THREE areas of study.  I majored in Interdisciplinary Studies with concentrations in English and Christian Studies.  Then, for good measure, I tacked on a Psychology minor.

And now, I have a wishy-washy degree that is next to useless for getting me a real job.  But that's okay.  I got an education (which is really what I wanted), and I get by.

The thing is, that advisor was right.  I have too many interests.  I have too many things that I'm good at doing.  And while I'm not needing to pick a major or career path at this stage of my life, I'm wondering if it's good for my writing that I have so many other things that I want to do.

I guess there's a couple of different ways I could look at it.  On the one hand, all these other activities I'm involved with are taking up a lot of the time I could use to write.  If I didn't make time to go out and run, or if I didn't do choir at church, or if I didn't take time to write songs or play the guitar, or if I didn't go voluntarily spend my time with kids that I love, or if I didn't make time for my friends, or if I didn't sleep, or if I didn't do all these other things I do, I would have a little more time to write.  And I could always use more time to write.

On the other hand, maybe all these other things I do might actually make me a better writer.  When I spend time doing a lot of different things, not only do I more greatly value the little time I do set aside for writing, but I also have more life experiences to draw from.  I think that the more I live, the more I experience, the more I have to write about.  Running gives me time to think and clear my head.  Talking to people gives me different perspectives.  Music gives my soul extra inspiration.  Spending time with kids help me see the world through a much younger set of eyes.  Even sleeping gives me the opportunity to dream.  All these things make me a better writer. 

So, I'm not about to drop any of these things the Lord has given me to live and love.  I have reason to believe that everything He's given me to do right now, everything He's given me a talent and/or passion for is something that is worthwhile.  It's annoying sometimes, because it's hard to have time to complete tasks when there's SO much I want to do.  But I just don't think God ever intended me to be the sort of person who does just one thing well. 

Sometimes I try to do too much at once.  I know I still need to work on balance.  But all in all, I'm really enjoying life.  Writing is a major part of that life.  It's probably one of the most major parts of my life.  It's just not the only thing.  So it's not the only thing I'm going to do.

I still pray I do it--and everything else my hands/feet find to do--well.