On Not Being Afraid

It occurred to me just this morning that it's over halfway through September.  The year is ever so gradually coming to a close.  If you've been keeping up with my blogs for a while, you might know that I have a theme for each year that I choose from the Biblical Christmas story.  This year's theme: "Do Not Be Afraid."

And what an interesting year it has been.

I had no idea how many lessons God would teach me, nor did I have an idea of how He would teach them.  At the beginning of the year, I figured God would teach me how to be less fearful or something.  I really didn't know what to expect.  It's been a journey.

This year, I learned to let go of things I didn't know I could let go of, and I learned to embrace things I didn't know I could embrace.  I've learned to say yes, and I've learned to say no.  I've learned how to follow, and I've learned how to lead.

I've learned that sometimes you have to gather in faith.  I've learned that sometimes God calls you to scatter in faith what He once had you gather.  And it's good.

I've learned that when I am weak, He is strong.  And you'd think I'd know that one by now.  It's funny how we think we have things figured out all right, and then God shows us our pride in a completely different light.  He is so faithful to show us our need, as well as His provision, and it's good.

I could list all of the various lessons, the various trials.  I could list my victories and my failures and my insecurities.  But, honestly, it's been done.  If you've ever read my blog before, you should know I'm weak.  You should know I'm insecure.  You should know I'm fearful.

And maybe the most important thing I've learned this year, this year with the theme of "Do Not Be Afraid," is that it's okay.  It's okay to be afraid.

Because all my life people have told me that it's not okay to be afraid.  Because people say "don't be afraid," like it's something we actively have some minute amount of control over.  They say, "If you fear, then the Bible says you haven't been perfected in love."  They say, "Well, in the Bible God and His angels tell us over and over to not be afraid or He commands us to be strong and courageous, so we should never, ever be afraid."

But I have to wake up every morning and stare at the ceiling, facing the unknown.  I have to walk outside the door of my house into the world, just praying I don't get too dizzy (due to my neck pain) that I pass out in the driveway.  I have to start my car and hope that it actually starts and doesn't break down on the way to work.  I have to go to work and deal with people who ever, ever threaten my insecurities.  I have to go to social things, whatever they may be, that overstimulate me and threaten to cause anxiety attacks.  I have to go to bed at night, staring at the ceiling again, facing the unknown.

I'm freakin' terrified.

And I think that I probably should be.

And I don't think anything is to be gained by pretending I don't have any fear.

Because I figure that overcoming fear and being perfected in love isn't a matter of just praying a prayer and being cured of fear forever and always.  I figure being perfected always involves a process.  I figure that being perfected in love means you choose love over fear in the millions of little every day issues and problems that arise.  When someone hurts my feelings, instead of brooding in my insecurity, I can choose to love and forgive and remember that others have insecurities too.  When I'm afraid to talk to someone because I don't know how much commitment that friendship might take, I can choose to risk it and love anyway.

And I figure I haven't been perfected in love.  But I figure that I am currently being perfected in love.  And I figure that One Day I'll be fearless, but I'm not there yet.

And I figure that if God and His angels repeated His commands "be strong and courageous" and "don't be afraid" over and over and over again, it's probably because we need the reminders.  We need them constantly, and not because we're fearless.  It's because we're naturally fearful.  We can't just pretend that away.  If we could pray a prayer or sprinkle magic holy dust on ourselves and be fearless forever and always, we wouldn't need the numerous reminders.  God gives them to us because He knows we need them.  We're fearful.  We're ever so fearful.

And that's okay.

Because "not being afraid" isn't about willing myself to get over my hangups or willing myself to go do something that would normally scare me silly.  I'm not saying there's anything wrong with taking risks, but risks should only be taken wisely.

And I'm not exactly talking about worldly wisdom.

Because the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom.  And I'm still learning how to be afraid, but I figure the best way to be afraid is to fear God above anything else.  Not in a way that we tremble before Him in constant trepidation--though we should.  We absolutely should.

Because of who God is, we should tremble on our faces in utter terror.

But because of who God is, we don't have to.

Because fear has to do with punishment, but we're being perfected in love.

But when we fear God, we're accepting all He is.  We're accepting all He's done for us.  We're accepting that He is stronger than anything else that we could possibly fear.  So what, then, is left to fear?  Nothing, really.

But our minds don't fully grasp that, and, well, how could they?

So we still fear.

But He has left us His Word, and He has left us His Spirit.  He didn't just tell us "be strong and courageous" and"do not be afraid," He tells us now.  He tells us now because He is with us now.

So when I stare up at the ceiling, facing the unknown, I'm not facing it alone.

And I figure the only way to "be strong and courageous" is if we let Him be strong and courageous through us.

In the big things, in the little things, my fear is going to be real.  My anxiety is going to be real.  And maybe I'd like it if I could be that fearless person that everyone thinks I should be, but I'm not.  I can't be.  At the end of the day, all I can be is His.  That's enough.

One of my favorite musicians, Mitch McVicker, put out a song on his last CD, Underneath, entitled "Danger."  I'm posting it below, because it's all kinds of amazing.

If you're afraid, don't kid yourself.  Nothing is really gained by that.  But in your fear, don't forget that He's here, and He's patiently reminding you not to be afraid.

"Show me Your Love is more than what's dangerous.
Just let me know You're here,
And I'll be brave.
I swear."

More Thoughts on Loving Leadership

Earlier this summer, I wrote a post entitled Loving Leadership, in which I shared some some things about leadership that I've learned in my experiences as both a leader and a follower.

But I've been thinking more about leadership lately, and I thought I'd follow up with another blog on loving leadership.

There's a popular children's game (or it used to be popular) called Follow the Leader.  The game was simple.  The leader would walk in front of a line of other children, and the followers would follow the leader around.  Sometimes the followers would just walk in line behind the leader, and sometimes they would mimic the leaders actions.

With children's games like this, it's no wonder I grew up with an image in my head of a leader being someone who goes in front of others.  And certainly, that is part of what a leader must do.  A leader should go before the followers.  A leader should either already know what's ahead or be the one to experience it first.

But I've been reading in Genesis lately, and I've realized there's another aspect of leadership.  I noted this aspect through two bad examples of leadership.

In Genesis, in the beginning, God created everything.  He made the earth and the skies, the sea and the land, the plants and all the animals.  And He made Adam and Eve and put them in the Garden of Eden.  They were allowed to eat from every tree except one.

It was never really clear how much time passed before Satan tempted Eve, and she ate of the fruit.  They might have lived quite happily in that garden for centuries.  They might not have lasted the week.  Knowing sin and temptation like I do, I'm going to guess it was the latter.

So Eve ate the forbidden fruit and really messed things up for everyone.  Thanks a lot, Eve.  Humanity was cursed forever because you just had to eat the fruit.

But I have one question.  Where was Adam?

Let's see if we can figure out where Adam was:

Gen. 3: 6 Then the woman saw that the tree was good for food and delightful to look at, and that it was desirable for obtaining wisdom. So she took some of its fruit and ate it; she also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. 

That's interesting.  That's very interesting.  According to Scripture, Adam was right there with Eve when she ate the fruit.  I'm assuming that he was also there during the temptation.

And I'm not going to speculate too much on this, but I'm assuming also that Adam was already the established leader in the relationship.  I do know that part of Eve's curse was that her husband rule over her, but I think a Godly sort of husband leadership was already in place before the Fall.  If this was the case, then why didn't Adam speak up?  Why didn't Adam protect his wife?  Why didn't Adam stop her from doing what they both knew to be wrong?

He didn't do any of these things.  Instead, he ate of the fruit when she gave it to him.  He just ate it.  And later, when they got caught, Adam started the finger pointing.  He blamed Eve, and what's worse, he blamed God for giving Eve to him.  But my question still stands.  Where was Adam?

Because although Adam was right there with Eve, he wasn't present in the way that he needed to be.  I do not discount Eve's grave sin; she was at fault.  However, I would be so bold as to state that the greater sin was Adam's.  He was the leader, and as the leader, he should have stood by what God had commanded.  He should have protected his wife.  Instead, he went along with whatever she said, and thus, humanity was cursed with sin and all its wages.

This isn't Scripture, but I really like something John Milton wrote in Paradise Lost.  When God questioned Adam for his sin, and Adam blamed Eve, God had an interesting response:

"Was she thy god?"

Was she?  Perhaps so.  For instead of following God's leadership, instead of being the godly leader that he should have been, he just went along with Eve's sin.

I have another example from Genesis, also involving a husband and a wife.

In Genesis 19, we have the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.  We also have an unusual case of a lady, identified only as Lot's wife, who was turned into a pillar of salt after turning back to look at the doomed cities.  The angels had warned them not to look back.  But Lot's wife did, and she was also destroyed.

But my question here is similar to the one I asked in the Genesis 19 account.  Where was Lot?

Genesis 19:23-26
23 The sun had risen over the land when Lot reached Zoar. 24 Then out of the sky the Lord rained burning sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah from the Lord. 25 He demolished these cities, the entire plain, all the inhabitants of the cities, and whatever grew on the ground.26 But his wife looked back and became a pillar of salt.

Now, it's not clear exactly where Lot was when his wife looked back, but one thing is abundantly clear from the entire account of Lot's escape from Sodom.  He was terrified.  He didn't want to leave; the angels had to drag him and his family along.  He didn't want to flee to the mountains, but instead pleaded to be allowed to run to the small town of Zoar.  And after his wife became the first Morton's girl (yes, I went there), he took his daughters off to the mountains, after all, because it turned out that  he was also afraid to live in Zoar.  And that's when things got disgusting all over again, but I digress.

See, I think it can be assumed that Lot was running ahead of his wife.  It sounds as though he just might have reached the city before she did.  I think it can be assumed that he wasn't running with her, nor was he running ahead of her as to lead her, but he was running ahead to save his own skin.  And, again, I'm assuming much here, but I think it's reasonable to say that Lot's wife might not have looked back if Lot had been with her.  Had he been leading her out of love, running with her, she might have survived the flight from Sodom.  As a result, she might have been there to guide her daughters to make better choices.  The Moabites and Ammonites (born of the incestuous relationships between Lot and his daughters) might never have existed to cause strife with Israel.  A lot of sin might have been prevented if one man might have been less fearful for his own sake, and more concerned for the welfare of his family members.

Sometimes, a leader has to walk on ahead, go on before, to lead the way.  It's much like in those silly childhood games of follow the leader.  But I'm learning that a good leader sometimes leads in a much different way.  Instead of walking on before, sometimes the best leader will come along beside.  Because we're not children playing silly games anymore, and I've learned that people are more likely to follow well when the leader is able and willing to come down and meet them where they are. 

I have one other example of a leader, but this is a good example.

When Jesus called his disciples, they came.  They left their fishing boats and nets and family members and they came.  Immediately.  When Jesus called Matthew, a tax collector and sinner, he came.  Why?  Why would these men follow Jesus just because he told them to follow?  

Because Jesus wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty.  He wasn't afraid to dine with those tax collectors and sinners.  He wasn't afraid of what others might think or even of what others might do.  He came along others and met them at their point of need. 

If anyone had any right to point fingers, it would have been Jesus.  If anyone had any right to save his own skin, it would have been Jesus.  But Jesus didn't flee from pain and death.  Jesus didn't pass blame.  Jesus loved.  And people followed him.  People still do.  I certainly try to.

And I know I'm still learning to be a leader.  Shoot, I'm still learning to be a follower.  But I know I've got to be humble and accept my own weaknesses.  I know that I have to trust beyond all my fears.

It's hard to follow.  It's hard to lead.  It's even harder to do both at the same time.  But I think a person has to learn to do both in order to be really good at either.  We need to trust God to come along side us as well as learn to come along side others.  We need to be humble as well as confident that the One who gave us our leadership abilities and positions is guiding us as we lead.  We need not to point fingers.  We need not to be afraid.  

We need to follow the Leader, and we need to trust Him as He leads us to lead.  

Loving Leadership

If you had told sixteen year old me that I’d one day be writing a blog about leadership, sixteen year old me would laugh at you and then eat seven cookies.  Because sixteen year old me really believed she’d only ever be a follower, and sixteen year old me really had no concept of what too many calories can do to a person.

Leadership is still something that really does not come naturally to me at all, but I’ve somehow found myself in a few leadership positions, lately.  It’s definitely been a learning experience.  God’s used these leading opportunities to teach me more about choosing love over fear.  …because apparently, when you put an insecure person like me in charge of something, well, there’s going to be some sort of struggle.

Struggles aren’t always bad.  They’re just something you have to work through.  I figure that’s why they’re called struggles.

Well, I’m no expert, but here are some of the things I’ve learned about leadership over the past several months:

1. Grace, grace, grace. 

Leadership takes grace.  Lots of grace.  If leadership were ice cream, it would need to be covered in chocolate grace sauce, caramel grace sauce, whipped grace cream, and a generous portion of rainbow grace sprinkles.  And also a big ol’ grace cherry on top.  Now I’m thinking about calories again….

But really, you can’t have leadership without tons and tons of grace.  I mean both from the leaders AND the followers AND from YOURSELF.  I’ve been a follower, and believe me, followers make mistakes.  I’ve been a leader, and BELIEVE me, leaders make mistakes.  Sometimes even the best leaders have to deal with people who think a leader has to be perfect.  But what’s worse is a leader who acts like he/she HAS to be perfect.  Don’t put unrealistic expectations on others.  Don’t put unrealistic expectations on yourself. 

Let me tell you about one of the most gracious people I’ve ever had the opportunity to work with.  My assistant teacher in my preschool class last year was amazing. 

Now, God has a sense of humor, and wouldn’t you know that he put the soft-spoken person (me) in a classroom with a hard of hearing person (my assistant teacher).  So sometimes I would ask her to do something or somehow give direction, and she wouldn’t hear me.  And I’m not going to lie.  I got MAD.  I do that sometimes.  I thought she was just ignoring me or just doing her own thing, because, as I might have mentioned before, I’m insecure. 

So when I got frustrated and confronted her about these times, she would just meekly say, “I’m sorry.  I really didn’t hear you.”  And then I’d feel like dirt, and I’d apologize.

And she forgave me.  Every time.  And on top of that she would make sure she knew how much she appreciated my leadership and friendship.  And THAT, my friends, is an example of a gracious follower, one who has the potential to be a great leader, too.  It’s also an example of a not so gracious leader—but, thank God, that leader (me) is learning.

2. HUMILITY

This kind of goes along with the first one.  When I gave that example of a not so gracious leader (me), there was a redeeming factor.  Eventually.  It might have taken me awhile to get there, but I took notice of the times when I was just plain wrong, and I acknowledged them and sincerely apologized for them.  Because a good (or, in my case, a growing) leader is humble.

In the past few months, God’s taught me a lesson in this through the poor leadership choices of others.  I've been under leaders who would make mistakes and just flatly REFUSE to acknowledge any fault.  I think the rationale is that if a leader appears weak, then those under leadership will lose faith.  And there is that risk.  But leadership is about risk, sometimes, and it’s far better to admit a mistake and even to admit weakness than to stubbornly cling to an ideal that probably doesn’t exist.  In the case of the faulty leadership I was under, the “I’m the leader, I can’t be wrong” mentality only fostered a huge lack of trust in the leadership.

If a leader admits weakness, it can actually help to create a bond of unity between that leader and those he or she is leading.  If a leader can mess up, admit weakness, apologize, and get back up to try again, that creates a positive example people can follow.  If a leader is just going to be stubborn and pretend to be right all the time, that’s setting up a very different template for those under him or her to follow.  Leaders who act pridefully might just end up with a lot of prideful people underneath them.  They’re just following the leader, after all.

3. Servanthood

As humility went along with grace, servanthood goes along with humility.  The best leaders I’ve seen lead by example.  A leader should never expect one of those under him or her to do something that he or she wouldn’t do.  A leader cannot say, “I’m the leader.  I’m above such and such task,” and then go send someone else to do it. 

Now, delegation of duties is important.  I’m not saying that a leader shouldn’t give a menial or routine task to another person.  This can free the leader up to do something else that might require his or her attention.  But a leader can’t just act like he or she is too good for something that people under him or her are doing. 

I’ve been in churches where some of the ministers would go work in the nursery because there was a shortage of workers.  They were serving in a place that didn’t seem important, but their example was incredible.  By serving others in a simple way, they were blessing parents, other nursery workers, and showing the church that anyone can and should serve wherever needed. 

And in my own preschool classroom, I learned that as a leader, my job was to serve all the children in my class, all of their parents, and my assistant teacher.  My assistant and I had a few communication problems, for which she gave me much grace, but I eventually realized that part of my job was finding ways that I could serve her better.  I could give her clearer directions, ask her if she was comfortable doing the things I gave her to do, be open to suggestions, etc.  I was the lead teacher, but as the leader, my job was mainly to serve.  When I realized that, I think it helped me become a better teacher, and that preschool class was the best I’d had in four years of teaching.

4. Exhortation

Part of a leader’s job is to seek out strengths, as well as recognize weaknesses, in others.  Knowing strengths helps with delegation and teamwork and other matters, but it’s more important than that.  A leader who encourages others shows others that he or she notices them and appreciates them.   A leader who sees special qualities or talents in a person can express appreciation, which usually serves to encourage the person to use his or her special skills all the more.  A leader who sees a weak area can provide the support needed to build a person up.  A leader won’t let anyone else tear others down, either, weaknesses or no.

Sometimes a leader can just get a good sense of things and know what is best for his or her team.  Sometimes a leader needs to actually talk to the people under his or her guidance and get to know them.  Sometimes a leader needs to lovingly struggle through difficult situations with others.  If a leader is willing to get to know people and figure out how best to make them feel appreciated, then those who are following him or her are much more likely to be loyal.  That's going to lead to a better working situation for everyone.

5. Protection

A leader protects those under his or her care, at the cost of his or her own welfare.

A leader stands up for those who aren’t able or willing to stand up for themselves, sometimes at the risk of offending someone and risking his or her own position.

A leader fights for justice for those under his or her care.

A leader makes sure that everyone is heard.

A leader defends those who have been wronged.

Sometimes a leader even puts him or herself in bodily harm for the sake of protecting others.

And in my leadership experience, I certainly haven’t had to put myself at physical risk.  But I have had the opportunity to defend others.  And I’m glad that I can at least say that I did defend them in those opportunities. 

I’ve also been blessed to have others defend me under their leadership.  It’s always encouraging to know that someone has your back, no matter if you succeed or fail.

I am still learning how to be a good leader, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be that leader I’d like to be.  I’m still much more comfortable in following, because following requires so much less responsibility.  The thing about following is that if something goes wrong, there’s usually someone in charge that you can blame the bulk of it on.  It's much harder being the one in charge.

But I’m glad I’ve had the opportunities to see that the struggle of leading others is usually worth it.  The sixteen year old me was wrong.  About the leadership AND the cookies. 

But I really could go for a grace sundae right now.

Sin, Grace, and the False Dilemma

The other day, the Christian band "Among the Thirsty" had a quote posted on their Facebook timeline. No one was credited, so I'm assuming it was one of their musicians, but I could be wrong.  Anyway, I liked this quote because it perfectly summarized a thought I've been having lately.

This is what was posted:

"The depravity of man and God's unconditional love for man are merely opposing truths without the bridge that Christ creates."

Lately, it seems I've been bombarded with this idea that EITHER we are dirty, worthless, weak sinners, OR we are redeemed, beautiful, beloved children of God.  I've been gently chided by well-meaning people for suggesting that I'm weak or worthless. I've heard people talking about this either-or scenario, seen people post about it on social media. And honestly, I have wanted to speak up about it for awhile.

Now, I get where some people are coming from (to a point). There are those that can't believe God would love them or that Christ would die for them because they believe the lie that they're too dirty or too far gone. There are also people who have gone through situations that make it oppressively difficult for them to refer to themselves or others as "dirty" or "worthless." I'm trying to be sensitive to that, but I'm coming from a different place. I can't keep quiet about it.

I'm coming from a place where I realize how sinful, weak, and worthless I really am. I'm coming from a place where I know the depravity of my heart, the way it can be quickly turned, the way it seeks the idol of self, the way it always has sought the idol of self. I know how weak I am, that I fear so much, that I want to hide away from the world. I know my worthlessness, that I've corrupted myself for the sake of such temporal things, that I don't have anything of my own to give.

In the perspective of the either-or philosophy on redemption that I've seen so often lately, things don't look so good for me.

Good thing I don't buy into the false dilemma, either-or philosophy.

It's not an either-or; it's a BOTH-AND. It's the most remarkable both-and scenario that ever existed, will ever exist. It's the both-and that changes everything.

I can't grasp how remarkable it is that God loves me unless I know how unlovable I am. I can't grasp how powerful God is unless I know how weak I am. I can't grasp how remarkable it is that Christ would die for me while I was still a sinner, unless I have some minute knowledge of how totally depraved I am.

I'm not wallowing in sin and worthlessness.  That's not where I am at all.  I'm understanding (as much as I can) how hopeless I would be without Christ so that I can appreciate (as much as I can) how much hope I have with Christ.

I'm no longer worthless, not because of some innate worth, but because Christ has given me worth and restored me to the purposes for which I was fearfully and wonderfully made-the God works which were prepared in advance for me to do, to the glory of God. I'm no longer weak because Christ's power is made perfect in my weakness. I'm no longer dirty because Christ literally went through hell to clean me up.

But I can't forget who I would be if God decided to leave me as I was, without Him. I can't act as if I were (and I quote a "Sidewalk Prophets" song that has great intent, and yet, I believe, misses the point) "someone worth dying for." I'm NOT someone worth dying for. But God, because He IS worthy, became a man and died for me. It's not because I am lovable, but because HE IS LOVING.

That is the point.

And while others might find the both-and scenario oppressive, I find that this truth frees me up.  My time and talents aren't mine. They were freely given to me, so I can freely give to others. My worth isn't by my own merit, so I don't have to be afraid that I'm going to mess up and somehow lose my worth. My weaknesses are just opportunities for Christ to reveal His strength. I can truly love my Father because I know how much He loves me. I can truly serve my Father because I know what He has done to adopt me as His child--not just a servant (though I don't even deserve to be that) BUT HIS CHILD.

I'm not wallowing in sin here at all. I'm realizing the remarkable, wonderful, incredible truth that Christ has done the impossible. He bridged the dilemma, the gap, the chasm of our sin, ever keeping us from God's holiness.  He's brought us back to God, made us whole again, and made us children of God.  No, I'm not wallowing. I'm rejoicing!

All glory to God.

Monday Blahg: Cha-cha-cha-changes!

I recently asked myself about the things I'd like to change about my life.

I'd like to make more money, work less hours, and have health insurance.

I'd like more time to devote to writing.  In fact, I'd also like to already be a published author, and I'd like to have at least a modest following...or a not so modest following....

I'd like to get married and adopt some kids.

The problem with all of these things I'd like to change is, well, I can't have them without change.

I have ups and downs, but right now, I'm genuinely happy with the life I have.  I go to an amazing church with amazing people who serve one another out of godly love for one another.  I have so many friends that love me so well.  I have four jobs that, yes, add stress and pay little, but are also tremendous blessings.  My coworkers are remarkable, encouraging people.  I love this little town I live in.  I love this life I have.

And I'm very afraid of change--especially when I love my life as much as I do.

I know I've got to eventually find some other means of employment than what I'm currently doing.  The four job thing divides my loyalty and eats away my time and gives me extra stress.  I'm barely making ends meet and I have no insurance benefits.  I always owe $$$ on my taxes because my having multiple jobs confuses the whole system.  But I don't want to quit any of the jobs I currently have.  My coworkers and bosses are extraordinary, caring people who appreciate me and the work that I do.  I know they value me, and it makes me feel guilty to even consider leaving them.  I know sometimes it's important to think about myself and my needs, but I just love the kids and families I work with, I just love my coworkers and bosses.  I don't want things to change, even though I know they're eventually going to change.

If I become a published author, it is quite possible (and probable) that my life won't change all that much.  Most authors don't make enough to live on without having a "real job" or a "real spouse with a real job."  But I know that part of me would really like to be a somewhat popular author--at least in certain circles.  I don't know if that will ever happen, but I'd like it to.  And if it does, then that might mean I won't have time for all of the jobs I currently work.  It will mean that I will have to free my schedule for other things--such as book signing tours?  Yes, please.  Except--I'm not sure how I'd adapt to such changes.  I'm not sure how I would handle the life of an author, even if I'm not at all famous or popular. 

And being single is something I've gotten pretty used to.  If this blog that I want to start up ever happens, I will be writing it from the perspective of a single woman in the church (and fyi, that doesn't make it a "single's blog").  I know God is using me as a single woman right now to speak to some specific problems I've noticed in attitudes (both of single people and married people) within the church.  God's given me a different perspective on things that has come about partly because I am a single woman in her thirties.  And apart from all of that, I've just had a really long time to get used to being single.  I don't know what being in a relationship would look like right now.  I don't know what being married would look like right now.  I don't know what going through the process of adoption would look like right now.  I don't know what being a parent would look like right now.  I know that if God wanted me to be in a relationship, a marriage, a family, then He would provide for that--but I can't pretend that I'm not a little afraid to make the necessary changes to my lifestyle, my way of thinking, etc. 

I love my life.  I love my life as it is.

What scares me is that I know there are going to be some big changes in my life in the next few months whether I like it or not.  I don't have any choice in that matter.  As for other matters, almost every other matter in my life, I do have choices.  I have so many open-ended choices of what I could be doing, where I could be living, where I could be working, and which friends/family I could be closer to (location-wise).  I don't like choices.  I'm more comfortable when someone is telling me what I should do.  Sometimes I really wish that God would just give me a nice ten year life plan to look at.

God does give direction, but He mostly just likes to watch me sweat and wait till the last minute to give me that direction.  It's not because He gets some kind of perverse delight out of that; it's because He loves me.  It's because He wants me to trust Him.  It's because He knows I'm the kind of person who likes to see the whole path before I take the first step.  He doesn't lead me like that.  He turns out the lights, takes my hand, and leads me through the darkness, one step at a time. 

In other words, I won't know what I'm supposed to do until it's time to do it.  And He'll provide for me when that time comes.

So I know change is coming.  And I believe it will be good change.  I don't necessarily like the fact that change is coming, but I'm at peace.  I'm at peace because I know the Lord is making my paths straight, even if I can't see those paths.

I don't need to see the whole path.  I just need to focus on the things I know to do, and be obedient.

Right now, I need to work on my writing and editing a lot more. 

Right now, I need to make sure I'm going to sleep early enough to get up in the morning and have good, meaningful time with God.

Right now, I need to stop whining about how it's too cold to go running and just go get on the elliptical instead.

Right now, I need to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God.

Right now, I need to love and serve others more than I focus on how others love and serve me.

Right now, I need to wait and trust.

This world is uncertain.  Things are always changing, whether I like it or not.  I'm always changing. 

The reason why I can trust God through all of it is because He is the One Thing that never changes.


Question: What are some things you'd like to change about your life?  Are you willing to have other things change in your life in order to have those changes take place?

2011 No Shredding Zone

I was listening to KLOVE while beginning my loooong drive home from central KY-eastern NC (with a short detour in SC) Wednesday morning, and I heard one of their DJs, Amanda, talking about "shredding" things from 2011.  The things to be "shredded" could be things like bad situations, wrongful attitudes, poor habits, bad relationships, etc.  She was talking about how we should get rid of those negative things from 2011 and "shred" them so that they wouldn't be around to bother us in 2012. 

If I hadn't been driving down the interstate at 70(ish) miles an hour, I probably would have called in.  It's a good thing I didn't, because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have come across very clearly.  KLOVE is a "positive and encouraging" radio station, so I'm pretty sure the lack of clearness in my communication would have sounded pretty discouraging and negative, even though that would not have been my intention.  I know what she was doing was a good thing.  Some people really need to get rid of bad habits, abusive relationships, negativity, etc.  It's just that I have a little different perspective.

I'm not one of those people who goes around saying, "No regrets."  Of course I have regrets.  I'm human.  I mess up all the time and screw up my own life as well as the lives of others.  Even when it's not my fault, this world is tainted with sin; situations arise that just don't go the way I want them to go.  Sometimes that's for my good; sometimes I just don't see why in the world things can't be different.  Sometimes there seems to be no reason for pain.  So, yes.  I have regrets.  I have a lot of them. 

But just because I've collected some regrets over 2011 doesn't mean I'm ready to go "shred" them.  The main thing the Lord has been teaching me over the past year is that HIS GRACE covers everything.  That means that every situation that arises in my life is something that He has allowed to happen.  Does that mean He's caused every bad situation?  No.  As I said before, sometimes bad stuff is the result of my own bad behavior or my own poor choices.  Other times, though, bad stuff just happens.  We live in a sinful world, and we have to deal with the results of sin.  God doesn't necessarily cause bad stuff to happen.  But I know that if I'm going through a situation, it's something that has already been filtered through God's grace.  He's allowed it, and sometimes for reasons I'll never understand. 

And if God has allowed something to happen, then it's something He wants me to walk through.  That doesn't mean it's going to be easy, but it leaves me with two amazing opportunities, opportunities that are only provided through His amazing grace.  I'm offered the opportunity to show love to others.  If someone sins against me, causing me pain, I have the opportunity to love them.  If someone does something to inconvenience me, I have the opportunity to show them grace--the same grace that I've been freely given. 

I also have the opportunity to trust God.  Sometimes the reason I have to hurt is clear; other times, it's not.  And I can sit and wallow in self-pity, or I can sit and allow myself to get bitter, or I can put on some kind of facade that makes everyone think I'm somehow strong enough to deal--when I'm really not.  Or, I can surrender the situation over to the Lord, trusting Him and His sufficient grace to be my perfect power in my weaknesses.

Everything that has happened in 2011 is something the Lord allowed me to walk through.  Everything before 2011 was something the Lord allowed me to walk through.  I can't "shred" my past; it's part of me, part of the person that the Lord is creating and recreating.  I learn from mistakes, I grow through my struggles.  The things that have happened to me, good and bad, are things that helped to shape me.  They don't define me, but then again, neither do my successes.  They're all just part of what the Lord has given me to help me know Him more. 

What does define me?  Grace.  Just grace.  That's why I can look towards 2012 as a year of Hope.

Sunday Sum-Up: Giving Grace

I really never intended to talk about God so much in this blog.  It's not that I ever wanted to purposefully shy away from my relationship with God/Jesus here, but I never purposed for this blog to be so close to my faith.  It's just very hard for me to separate my writing from my beliefs, and vice versa.  I guess it's a good sign that I can't compartmentalize; Christ isn't just a part of my life.  He's everything.  And while sometimes I can blog about something without bringing my faith into it, it's exceptionally difficult (or perhaps impossible) to talk about what's going on in my life without bragging on God.  Because the Lord is the One who is leading me through my life right now, and He's teaching me far more than I deserve to learn.

A theme that keeps popping up right now is grace.  And grace is a weighty term, hard to define, even harder to accept and express.  Maybe it should be simple, but because we're complicated people, we tend to make even the simplest concepts difficult.  The grace of God is free, and yet so many people can't accept it.  People can't even accept the reality of a gracious God, or they can't accept the goodness of a gracious God, or they can't accept that grace is really free apart from human effort, or they can't accept that free grace could be for a sinful person.  And while I could camp out on that for a while, that's really not what I want to focus on here, not because it's not important, but because it's really not what I'm struggling and striving with right now.

I know God is gracious.  I know that His grace is free.  I know that it's His good pleasure to give that grace to sinners--sinners like me.  And it's one thing to sit here and blog about being a sinner saved by grace; it's a totally different thing to live that out.  God's been patiently, graciously teaching me that everything He allows to happen in my life--everything--is a chance to love others and a chance to trust Him.  But once again, it's one thing to blog about that, and another thing to live it out. 

I'm blogging about this as my weekly sum-up because the Lord's been working on this concept of giving grace to others, and this week He's really brought all that to a crux.  I went to one of those preschool teacher workday things, expecting to hear about different ways to help children learn and grow.  I was actually expecting it to be boring and generally not useful to my life.  Instead, our director talked to us about communicating love and grace to one another.  And it went along perfectly with everything the Lord's been teaching me.  ...and it humbled me.

Then I read a blog post entitled "I'm Christian, Unless You're Gay" , and I was floored.  The author isn't a Christian, but he gets something that a lot of Christians seem to miss.  Now, I don't agree with every statement he made, nor do I think that homosexuality is okay (just to clarify, I don't hate gays; in fact, I have some gay friends.  I believe practicing homosexuality is a sin--just like any other sin--which is something that is contrary to the will of God--and I'm definitely a sinner in need of grace just like everyone else), but I admire and respect the guy who wrote this blog.  First off, he was respectful, yet honest.  Second, he stated his main point clearly without allowing himself to be drawn away to any arguments that were secondary to his main point: that no one is perfect and that everyone needs love.  As far as his blog post goes, it doesn't matter if his readers think that homosexuality is a sin or not; the point is, we're all imperfect people, and we all need love.

And I'm not about to go start holding up signs that say "God Hates Fags," but if I were really honest with myself, I'm pretty sure that sometimes I'm holding up an invisible sign that says, "The way you're dressed makes me uncomfortable," or "The fact that you just ran a red light means I have the right to honk my horn and yell at you," or "The language you're using makes me not want to associate with you." 

Where do I get the idea that some sins are worse than others?  Where do I get the idea that I'm more righteous than others?  How can I so easily accept the free grace of God without giving it just as freely to others? 

But I'm not the only one who does it.  I'm not justifying myself.  I'm not trying to judge others.  I'm just stating a fact.  I know I'm not the only one who does it because God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit saw/sees a need to speak again and again to the self-righteousness of humanity.

The bottom line?  We're all children.  I work with kids.  What are they like?  They can be sweet and tender.  They're a great joy to me.  But honestly, children are often childish (imagine that).  If I ask a child to clean something up, the #1 response I get is, "But I didn't make the mess!"  And that's a ridiculous attitude, but recently I discovered that grown-ups act the same way.  If I see something out of place in the preschool storage room, instead of simply putting it away, I mentally tell myself, "Whoever took it out should put it away.  It's not my responsibility."  And everyone has that attitude, so as a result, the misplaced item never gets put in its place.  So someone gets upset because the room eventually gets messy.  Then the grumbling starts.  Wouldn't it be easier to just clean up one another's messes?  Wouldn't it be easier to GET OVER OURSELVES and show a little grace?

If I sound preachy, it's because I'm preaching to myself.  I have been given so much grace.  I can't hoard that grace; I need to give it to others.  The thing that keeps me from loving my neighbor: pride.  Selfishness.  Fear that I'll not have enough for myself.  I'd be much better off forgetting myself.  And doing this is impossible in my own power. 

Ironically, the only way I can be gracious is to receive grace.  And, praise the Lord, He is faithful.  He does give more grace.

I could go on and on, but I'm going to leave you with the incredible words of James.  I'm posting the entire chapter of James 4, because it's all pertaining to what I've said here.  We need to get over ourselves and our selfish desires.  We need to rely on the grace of God.  We need to humble ourselves and boast only in the Lord.  It's easy to look down on others for the wicked things they do, but sometimes we're even more guilty because there is good that we can do, there are people we can love, and when we fail to love, we sin.

"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?  You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God.  When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
'God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble.'
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor? Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.' As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins." --James 4

I'm going to say just one thing more.  I've had several conversations about my new blog project this week.  I'm still working on it, still praying about it, still planning and getting excited.  The thing is, all this stuff that the Lord is graciously teaching me is really applicable to my blog.  That's just really neat to me, how the Lord is working and bringing things together, just at the right time.  God is so good.

Sunday Update: While We're Waiting

"I want my daddy to come back!"

In my line of work, I hear something similar to this phrase about 100 times a week.  My knee jerk response is, "Believe me, kid, I want your daddy to come back, too!" 

But when the kid is old enough to be reasoned with, I eventually try to explain the situation to the child.  "Your daddy always comes back.  Your daddy loves you.  Why don't you find something to do while you're waiting for your daddy to come back, and that will make the time go by faster.  Plus, you might have some fun."

The kid doesn't always get it.  That's because kids want what they want when they want it.  And adults are pretty much exactly the same way.

I've shared on here before that when I was a teenager, I spent a lot of sleepless nights staring up at the ceiling, pleading with God to show me His will for my life.  I wanted a "holy lightning bolt" showing me some career path to take.  I was willing to do anything, but I just wanted to know what it was.  But I really wasn't willing to do anything.  I wasn't willing to wait.  And God knew that.  And God knows that I still struggle with wanting to know every detail of everything I do before I do it.  That's why He still makes me wait.  That's why He only lets me know what He wants me to do one step at a time.  He wants me to trust Him.

And I wish I had figured this out in my teenage years, but God's already shown us what He expects from us.  We don't need a "holy lightning bolt.  God's already told us what He expects from us.  My favorite example of ths is: "He has shown you, O man, what is good.  And what does the Lord require of you? But to act justly, love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." --Micah 6:8. 

There's a great song I'm hearing on the radio these days.  "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller.  The song is honest, talking about the pain of waiting for God to move.  But it's also hopeful.  While we're waiting, we can worship.  We can serve where we are in what we're doing.

Sometimes we're in such a hurry to get on to the next thing.  We're always preparing for something, and sometimes we miss the moment we're living in.  It's even more of a temptation to do that when what we're going through is painful.  I don't think most people like to try to figure out why God's allowing us to go through a painful situation or what He wants to teach us through it.  We're always too busy trying to get away from the pain.

I went through over five years of a season of Spiritual winter.  There was little growth; I mainly just stayed in a period of frozen cold, waiting for spring to thaw me out again.  I spent a lot of time whining for my Father to come and get me out of it.  I even spent some part of that wondering if God was ever going to get me out of it.  But even in the midst of it all, I knew God had a reason for it.  I knew there was a purpose for the waiting.  I don't know how well I worshipped in the waiting or served in the waiting, but I knew God was holding on to me.  I rarely doubted that.

And there's another great song I'm hearing a lot.  It's by a band called "For King and Country" and it's called "Busted Heart."  The song speaks of a winter season, of our helplessness and brokenness, of knowing God is holding on to us, that in His time He's going to meet us right where we are.  And I can sing that from the other side of the winter season, knowing that God did hold on to me, knowing that He did love me, that He did come back to get me, knowing there was a reason for the winter.

The pride.  The anger.  The believing that I could somehow save myself.  These things started to fade away in the midst of my helplessness.  I still have a lot of pride.  I still have a lot of anger.  I still have to be reminded a lot that I am needy.  But when spring came again, I started growing again.  And I realized a lot of what I went through was preparing me for this time in my life.  I needed to realize the depths of my depravity before I could move on in the full grace of God. 

I still have a little bit of waiting to do, but everything seems to be screaming at me NOW!  Now is the time to step out in faith and see what happens.  Now is the time to realize that when we're faithful to do the little things we know we're supposed to do (act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with our God, etc.), God will reveal more to us.  And I've got a lot of work to do. 

I still fail sometimes.  I did this week.  Remember David when he committed adultery with Bathsheba?  Remember when she became pregnant?  Remember when he tried to deceive her husband by trying to get him to come home and sleep with her so that he'd think the child was his?  Remember when the anointed King, the man after God's own heart resorted to murder to cover his own tracks?  What was his first sin?  He was supposed to be at war, and instead, he stayed home in Jerusalem.  He wasn't doing what he was supposed to be doing, and part of the consequences for that inaction was a deeper path of sin.  While I've not committed adultery or killed anyone, I'm still just as guilty.  I can understand how one sin of inaction can lead to a path of sin.  And I've had to seek forgiveness this week for being prideful, for seeking my own ways instead of serving and worshipping and working while I'm waiting for God to move.

But when we confess our sin, God really is faithful to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).  It's hard to understand that in the midst of a winter season, when sometimes we're caught in cycles of sin and confession, of addiction and confusion, of wondering if God is ever going to come save us from ourselves.  But because of what I went through in the dark times, it was relatively easy to humble myself, to come to God and seek the forgiveness He is faithful to give.  It's because I know He loves me.  I know He's coming to get me.  Even when I'm a brat. 

He's holding on to us because His grasp is greater than our attempts to free ourselves from His grasp.  I don't know exactly what's going to happen in the next few weeks, but I'm excited.  I'm hopeful.  I'm expectant.  I don't need to know everything that's going to happen.  I just trust.  I just obey. 

It's because I know my Daddy loves me, and He's going to come through. 

Fill-in-the-Blank Friday: Like a Child

I still haven't figured out what I want to do with Friday blogs, so for now it's kind of like "whatever I want to write about Wednesday."  I'm open to suggestions if you have any...unless your suggestion is Fish Stick Friday, because I kind of hate fish sticks, and a blog series on them would stink more than they do.

So last night I was looking over a Bible lesson I'm supposed to be teaching to kids today.  I must admit, I'm just a little bit nervous about teaching this lesson.  It's not that I don't teach kids stories from the Bible.  It's not that I don't teach kids about God.  I like teaching small kids about God, Jesus, the Bible.  Sometimes I'm even good at it.  But this situation is a little different.

I'm going to be teaching school aged kids, not preschoolers. 

Some people don't see that there's a lot of difference in younger kids and just a little bit older kids.  But there is.  Especially for someone like me, who isn't technically a teacher.  I don't really have good teaching skills.  I had a professor in college who, for some reason, thought I was a natural teacher, and it always frustrated our relationship because I knew that deep down (and also on the surface), teaching just isn't one of my very special gifts.  I'm reminded of this every time I try to help one of the kids I watch with her homework.  Just this week I was looking at a very simple math problem (a story problem) that was stumping the 7th grader.  I knew how to solve it.  I even knew the answer.  But when I tried to explain it to her, I had no idea how.  I stumbled over words for a few minutes, and then I just said, "You're supposed to divide."  She said, "But I need to write an algebraic equation."  I said, "Well, I have no idea how they want you to do that, but just divide, because that will get you the right answer."  And I think I would have liked math a lot better and done a lot better in math if they had simplified it.  It seems to me that they make it as complicated as possible in order to try to explain the theories behind it.  I don't need the theories to know how to do it.  I just need to know how to solve it as simply as possible.  And now that my brain has developed a little more, I'm actually seeing some things that my math teachers were trying to explain to me, only as a kid it all confused me.  I'm wondering if I would have grasped stuff earlier if they hadn't made it complicated.

And I think the reason I am able to teach and actually like teaching preschoolers is because it's easier for me to talk to them.  Maybe I'm just more on their level or something.  And maybe that's not a bad thing.

When I teach preschoolers, I teach things I have a solid grip on, like colors, or numbers, or letters, or what a kitty cat says.  When I teach preschoolers about God and the Bible, it's also about things I have (or should have) a solid grip on, like "Jesus loves us," and "We don't have to be afraid.  We can trust God because He is strong and He loves us," and "God wants us to be kind and love one another."  I've never really attempted to teach anything much deeper than some basic principles and truths.

But the more I started thinking about it, the more I realize that it's the preschoolers that actually understand those basic truths.  They might have a little trouble putting those truths into practice (don't we all?), but most of the preschoolers I know have a lot to say when I ask them about Jesus.  They can recite Bible stories, but they also know that God is good, that God loves them.  Sometimes, on rare, blessed occasions, preschoolers can even apply some of the truths they've learned--by sharing a toy because they know it's what Jesus would want them to do, by singing a song about how big God is when they feel afraid.  These are the moments I just cherish.

More often than not, though, young kids have trouble looking beyond themselves.  They're not necessarily selfish; they're self-centered.  They are still figuring out that the world is made up of other people who have feelings that are just as valid as theirs.  So it's hard to share; it's hard to remember to be kind; it's even harder to rise above such base emotions as fear and anger.  Let's face it--it's hard for adults to do those things.  But I think it might be harder for adults to do other things, too.

Most small children aren't going to question it when they hear that God loves them.  They might not be able to grasp the fullness that is God's love, and they're definitely not going to have any idea about how His love balances with His holiness (how many of us have more than just an inkling of a clue about that, anyway?).  Adults question.  Older kids question.  And questions aren't bad at all; they're a sign of maturity and growth.  I'd have issues with an adult "Christian" who never questioned their faith, because I firmly believe that one can't come to a firm faith without first questioning it.  And preschoolers question sometimes, too, but their questions are different. 

Preschoolers' questions are based on their understanding of the world as it applies to them.  If I told preschoolers a story about David and Goliath, they would probably get the idea that God protected David (and maybe even Israel), but their questions would be focused on the cool giant Goliath (How big was he?  How big was his sword?  Why did David cut off his head? Are there giants around today?  How come Mommy doesn't let me play with MY slingshot?).  They're honest questions from their little brains that have no idea how NOT to blurt out the first thing that comes into their minds.  But I've never heard a preschool aged child say, "Does Jesus really love me? Is God as strong as you said?"  Nope.  They get it.  They get that there's someone looking out for them.  They know that there's a God who is strong, who loves them. 

It's the grown-ups I know (including myself) that say or think things like, "How can God possibly get me through this situation? Does God even care? Is God even real?"  I get it that preschoolers pretty much believe what we tell them, but the Bible is full of stories that reveal a loving, strong God--preschoolers haven't learned how to doubt the Word of God yet.  So when I tell them a truth from the Bible, they take God at His Word.
In some ways, preschoolers grasp deeper truths than adults do.  These deeper truths are something some people try to make way too complicated.  But the deepest truths of Christianity aren't that complicated.  They're simple.  Most adults miss them, probably because we expect things to be complicated and like to make things complicated.  Grace, mercy, love, power, goodness, holiness--God isn't as complicated as we sometimes make Him out to be.  He's beyond our understanding, but little children don't worry about that.  They just know the simple things that elude the wise and learned.  It's enough for them.

And I'm very grateful God's given me opportunities to teach them...and learn from them.  He really is good.

Filtered Through Grace

You may remember the birthday par-tay I wrote about in my last post.  I needed that particular birthday par-tay to be over in time for me to be out the door at 4:15 so I could make it to my church choir practice at 4:30.  I discussed this with Miss Stefanie before agreeing to take the birthday par-tay gig.  She assured me they knew they were supposed to be completely done at 4:15, and that I would be able to leave on time. 

The birthday party (sorry, I couldn't pull of the par-tay thing anymore) didn't end until 4:25.  I practically pushed the family out the door at 4:30. 

And I was ticked off.  Not at Miss Stefanie, but at the situation.  And I'm making a public apology to Miss Stefanie right now, because while I didn't blame her for the incident, I did send her a not-nice text right after the party assuring her that I would NOT be doing any more birthday parties.  Basically, I was a jerk.

Sorry, Miss Stefanie.  You rock.  ...and I'm still not doing anymore birthday parties, but this time I'm not saying it in my "angry voice." 

But Sunday afternoon, as I was driving, already late for choir practice, I remember seething about the whole situation.  "I'm late!" I told myself.  "The people having the party made me late!  I agreed to be somewhere else right now, and I had to break a commitment!"  Really, it wasn't that big of a deal at all that I showed up 15 minutes late to choir practice, but I felt I had to be justifiably angry about something.  So I picked the whole "breaking a commitment thing" because it sounded nice and righteous.  Never you mind that I'm often about 5 minutes late just because I have trouble leaving my apartment on time....

Then yesterday, I really wanted to go running.  My foot was hurting over the weekend, and so I had decided to rest it until last night.  Then last night I was going to start training for my 10K (which is a month from today--yikes!).  It was all gonna work out.  I wasn't supposed to work last night--I was just "on call" because the mom I work for was "on call."  And she hardly ever gets called in.  But she did.  So I did, too.

And the dad was supposed to be home in time for me to meet with my running group, but then he wasn't.  That wasn't his fault and I didn't blame him.  It was just that by the time I got off it was too late to meet my running group, and in fact, it was too dark to go run at all.

So I went home with full intentions to get on my elliptical and at least get some exercise.  Instead, I threw myself a minor cranky-pants party and ate a few handfuls of candy corn. 

I was pouting.  I was pouting because things didn't go my way again.  And, once again, it was something good that I wanted to do that another obligation prevented me from doing. 

And after several minutes of being a cranky-pants, I finally started talking to God.  Only I wasn't being very nice about the whole thing.  The gist of my prayer was, "God, the stuff I'm wanting to do is good stuff.  I wanted to run and start training for that 10K, and I need to do it.  You know I need to do it.  Why would You allow that to be prevented from happening?  This is like the other night when I wanted to be on time for choir practice, and You allowed that to be prevented, too.  What's up with that?"

God  responded, "Oh, so you're asking me now?  I was wondering if you were ever going to get around to that.  Yes, I allowed this.  I allowed it because you obviously have something to learn from it."

Ouch.

It's been a slow, sometimes painful lesson, but God is gradually teaching me that every single thing that comes my way is filtered through grace.  I've said that before on here, and I'll probably say it again.  I'm repetitive because that's how I learn.  Through repetition.  As God's repeating these lessons and themes in my life, they're bound to come up again and again in my blogging. 

Everything that comes my way is something God allows.  As hard as it is for me to trust, this is a difficult concept to wrap my brain around.  If everything seems to be going well, God allows that.  If a kid gets snot all over my sweater, while I'm pleading, "Let's not snot Miss Ruth's sweater, please," God allows that.  If my brakes start making squeaky noises that lead me to assume I've got even MORE work that needs to be done on my car, God allows that.  If hectic life situations prevent me from doing something noble that I really want to do, God allows that.  And if God allows it, then God will provide grace to get through it, one way or another. 

Please don't think I'm making light of life.  I know the examples I listed above might seem really trite and unimportant.  Getting snot on my sweater isn't a huge deal.  Needing new brakes on my car is a little bit bigger of a deal.  But I have no idea what my readers are going through.  You might be experiencing a tremendous heartache that doesn't make sense.  You might have lost a loved one.  You might have found out someone you love has cancer.  You might be suffering through another month of unemployment and financial difficulty.  You might be struggling with addictions, with anger, with rejection, with fear.

I don't know what you're going through.  But I know that God is near to the brokenhearted.  And I know that His grace is sufficient.  God may or may not have caused whatever issues you're dealing with.  Sometimes our pain is the result of our own sin; sometimes it's the result of someone else's sin.  Sometimes life just stinks.  Whether or not God has caused our pain and problems, He has allowed these things in our lives.  Sometimes that's to teach us something; sometimes that's just to bring us closer to what we really need in Him.  Honestly, I don't know all the reasons why we have to struggle.

But I firmly believe there is mercy in those struggles.  If He's allowed them, He will provide what we need to get through them.  It might not be what we expect or desire, but provision will be there.

Everything we encounter is filtered through grace.  And lately, the small inconveniences in my life have been opportunities to trust God.  They've also been opportunities to love others.  And sometimes I fail and sometimes I succeed, but God is faithful to keep teaching me in the midst of all of it. 

And I still have no clue where He's leading me, but I know He's changing me.  He's preparing me for something that's probably going to take a little bit of flexibility on my part.  These little tests He's allowing are preparing me for greater challenges that I'm going to face further down the road.  I'm learning.  I'm learning to love others even when they've inconvenienced me or even drastically hurt me.  I'm learning to trust God even when I can't see rhyme or reason for what's going on in my life.  I know I'm not there yet, but right now I'm just overwhelmed that God would love me enough to work on me, to make me more into the person He wants me to be. 

Sweater snot happens.  Flat tires and bum brakes happen.  Heartbreaks happen.  Deaths happen.  Pain and problems and annoyances and outbursts and bills and illnesses and stress and struggles happen. 

There is mercy in the struggle.

Everything is filtered through grace.

Everything is an opportunity to trust God and to love others.

We can't control what other people do to us, but we can choose to love.  We can choose to trust and obey.  It's not easy, but there's grace for that, too.

Sunday Update: Unlovable

This is going to be a short post.  I don't know why I feel like warning my readers about that.  Given the fact that most of my posts are ridiculously long, I guess I was preparing all five or so of my readers that this post isn't going to be ridiculously long so they wouldn't be looking for the other three hundred paragraphs of it.

So...last week was bad.  The apathy kicked in full gear and I didn't exercise and ate whatever I wanted and didn't write anything and didn't care and didn't want to care and just sat around doing nothing because that's all I felt like doing...

And then last night I started dreading Sunday morning because I knew I would have to stand up in front of the congregation at church and sing songs to God like I meant them.  And I knew that in my current state, I would have to be a hypocrite, because somewhere in the course of last week, I forgot how to sing like I meant it.  So I started praying as much as my feeble heart could pray.  I went to bed still waiting and wondering if I would be able to really sing.  I woke up this morning still waiting and wondering if I would be able to really sing. 

But God came through at the last minute.  He likes to do that.  He likes to make me wait because I don't like to wait, and I have a feeling it's good for me.  And He reminded me that there's nothing I can do to make Him stop loving me.  I try sometimes.  I put up a good fight and try to sabatoge my relationship with God.  I'm rebellious.  I want to be God, and since I can't be God, I rebel against Him in an attempt be something on my own.  But I can't be anything on my own.  So in my attempts to become something I can't be, I lose the purpose He planned for me.  And I become worthless.  I become unlovable.  And I start wallowing in that unlovableness because I know I don't deserve God's love. 

But the truth of the matter is, God still loves me.  He doesn't love me because I'm lovable.  I'm not lovable.  He doesn't love me because I deserve it.  I don't deserve it. 

He loves me because He is loving. 

And the love and grace He gives me lends breath to my lungs and hope to my heart.  And I find that I can sing--because His love trumps my unlovableness.

SEW Sunday: Priorities...and Being Afraid

Gonna come right out and say that I'm calling it quits (for now) on my current writing project.  It was sick and dying from the beginning, and just gradually got sicker and sicker.  It tried fighting for life there at the end, but then it died to death.  And I just don't have time to try to pick up the pieces and try to salvage anything from it right now.

And I have stuff I REALLY should be doing in regards to preparing queries.  I have more than enough projects that require massive amounts of editing.  Writing new stuff just seems kind of silly at the moment.

After going out of town last weekend, I have had a killer time trying to get back on track.  I feel as though I really didn't even get a break, and I guess that's okay.  I've been trying to learn how to live life as it comes...because like it or not, it's not just going to pause for me to get my act together.  And lately I've been a lot more scatterbrained than usual.  I've been forgetting events and telling people I can do things when I've already told other people I can do other things at the same time.  Ugh.

My preschool job ends next week (for the summer), and while I'm going to miss "my" kids SOOOOO much, I'm actually looking forward to only having two jobs for a while.  Part of me wants to consider looking for just one full time job after this summer--but I'm not actually considering it yet.  I'm just considering considering it.  If that makes sense.  If it doesn't make sense, don't worry.  My life doesn't make too much sense at the moment...

I have got to learn to prioritize.  That's why the current writing project is getting nixed (for now--maybe for always.  Who knows?).  I've been saying, "Oh, I have to get this synopsis done.  I've got to send out queries."  I haven't done that.  I haven't done it--not because I don't HAVE the time, but because I haven't MADE the time to do it. 

My other priority right now?  Working on this cd idea I have.  I need to practice my guitar a lot more than I have been doing.  I need to buck up the courage to actually call and/or email the guy at my church about the possibilty of recording the cd.  I need to coordinate time with my roommate (who is an amazing violinist) to work on some violin harmonies for some of my songs.  I need to.  I need to.  I need to.

I need to make this cd happen.

It amazes me how God is showing me that it's the right time to do this.  I have wanted to put out a cd for such a long time.  I've never felt good/strong/courageous/talented/cool enough to do such a thing.  In the past few weeks, so many random people have told me that they love my voice.  So many people have encouraged me.  It's not even my voice that I want to get out there.  As Mitch McVicker (an uber talented Christian musician and super nice guy) has said, and I paraphrase, "The world doesn't need more Christian music or Christian musicians.  But the world needs truth, and I've been given this to do.  I'm just trying to be faithful with what I've been given." 

That's kind of how I'm thinking.  It's not that I have anything brilliant to say, but the fact is, I've said it anyway.  I've put words down to music.  But they're not doing a bit of good at the moment.  I'm tired of keeping all these songs and all these words hoarded up inside the four walls of my room.  While there's nothing new under the sun, I still think there's something worthwhile in sharing something that God's given me.  And if I donate a portion (or all) of the proceeds from the sales of this cd, then there's something worthwhile in that, too. 

Here's the problem.

I'm such a scared little kid.  I have given up on the idea that that's ever going to change.  For a while, I could pretend.  I could be braver.  I could be more confident.  I could be more lovable.  I could be more interesting or suave or beautiful or whatever.  ...only, it wouldn't be who I am.  And I learned a long time ago that if I try to be something I'm not, then sooner or later (usually sooner), whatever false foundation I built under myself is going to crumble.  God won't let me pretend, and for that, I'm VERY grateful.

The truth is, I'm weak.  I am scared to death.  I like safe things that I understand, like work and routine.  I don't like stepping out in faith and doing things when I don't know how to do them and when I don't know what's going to happen.  What am I really afraid of?  That people are going to look down on me.  That people are going to see me for what I am.  That my slip is going to show, and the whole facade of beauty and "put-togetherness" and strong, confident woman (HEAR ME ROAR) is going to crumble. 

But I'm already weak.  And I'm not more lovable.  I'm not more confident.  I'm not more "put together."  I know I keep repeating myself on this, but it's something that takes awhile to get through my head.  And I think other people need it, too.  So I'll keep repeating it:

The only hope for a weak fool like me is that God delights in using the weak and foolish to shame the strong and wise.  And I am not going to be more lovable or beautiful, but that's okay.  Because God's love is so much more powerful than my unlovableness.

I fear man instead of God.  God knows it, and that's one of the reasons He's really encouraging me to do step out and do this scary cd thing right now.  Quite honestly, I'm terrified, because it's a big deal to me to do something like this--just like the query letters terrify me.  But I'm getting to that remarkable point where I'm more terrified of disobeying God and missing out on what He has for me than of the things that terrify me.

...and the thing is, I'm still learning just how to be afraid...

Four-Leaf Clovers

(Note: Even though this is technically posted on 3/18, I wrote it on 3/17 and just now got the chance to post it. Also, it's very long, so if you read it, you get an imaginary gold star! Also also, this is one of those honest, deep, personal blogs--so run away if you hate that kind of thing.)


Most of the world refers to March 17th as St. Patrick’s Day (unless you’re my friend Desiree or my friend Eric, who call it their birthday). Me? I call it Birthday Eve. My birthday has always been and always will be on the day after St. Patrick’s Day. As a kid, I remember when people would say, “Make sure you remember to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day or you’ll get pinched,” I’d always reply by saying, “Oh, and make sure you wear pink on the day after, or I’ll slap you on the back of the head.” I was OBSESSED with pink from birth to about the age of twelve, and I thought everyone should honor my special day by wearing my favorite color. Of course, no one ever listened to me, and I knew better than to actually enforce the “head slapping” thing. My parents were teachers; if I ever did anything wrong at school, they found out about it one way or another.

Another one of my weird Birthday Eve traditions involved one of my weird hidden talents. I have this uncanny ability to find four-leaf clovers. There have been several times when I’ve just been walking along, not even looking for a four-leaf clover, and I’ll spot one. So I started a tradition of looking for four-leaf clovers every Birthday Eve. When I find the four-leaf clover, I always give it to the first person I see. That’s how the “Birthday Eve Four-Leaf Clover Finding Tradition” works. Most years, I’ve found one without even really looking for them. It’s been like those times when I just miraculously spot them. Sometimes, I really have to search for them. Sometimes, I just don’t find them, no matter how hard I look.

Last year, I couldn’t even find a patch of clover to search. The thing was, I was working most of the day and only had a few minutes to look between my jobs, so I just figured I’d search around my apartment. There aren’t that many patches of clover around my apartment, or at least there weren’t last year. This year, I found some patches of clover around my apartment, but I didn’t look long enough to find a four-leaf clover. For some reason, this year, it wasn’t that important.
Now, I don’t really believe in luck. I do believe I have some kind of weird and mostly useless ability to find four-leaf clovers (I think it does brighten other peoples’ days when I give them a clover I found, but other than that…useless). But there are times when that ability doesn’t work, and I have to really work in order to find one. Then there are times when I can work really hard and I still can’t find what I’m looking for. Sometimes, there’s just no clover to be found. Sometimes, I’m just too lazy to put any work into what I want to achieve.

That could apply to my writing. But we’ve been through that before. My problem most of the time in my writing is that I just don’t want to put in the effort it’s going to take to achieve my goals. Most of the time, I have the talent (which was given to me and I can’t claim any credit for). Sometimes it’s hard and takes work, but I do have the ability. I just have to work for it, even if I’m searching for ideas that I can’t quite see yet.

And there I’m going to end the writing analogy because I think everyone gets it.
And I’m going to get personal because I think it’s a good time for it. I kind of have an inability not to get squeamishly honest in my writing from time to time. If me spilling my guts in a blog makes you nervous, I suggest you stop reading now.

Most people who have known me for longer than a couple of years probably know the tragic story of how I got dumped on my 25th birthday. I’ll have been single for six years as of tomorrow. The people that know me really well already know that I’m still not quite exactly over this ended relationship—at least not to the point that most people want me to be over it.

When I went walking/jogging today, I decided to listen to this Rich Mullins tribute that “20: The Countdown Magazine with John Rivers” put on the radio almost exactly three and a half years ago when it was the 10th anniversary of Rich Mullins’ death. Yes, I recorded it on my mp3 player (I would call it an iPod, except for it’s not an iPod—it’s a dinosaur mp3 player that I’m very grateful to have, thank you very much). I’m that much of a Rich Mullins fanatic. The song “The Color Green” makes me think of St. Patrick’s Day/Birthday Eve, so I listened to that this morning, and it really put me in a Rich Mullins mood. So I listened to the tribute.

And there are a lot of reasons why I like Rich Mullins, but one of them has to do with the fact that I have drawn a lot of comfort in how he dealt with heartache in his own life (or at least the way he communicated how he dealt with heartache). His fiancé broke off their engagement and he never got married. I was never engaged, but I have to admit I really loved this guy who dumped me on my birthday. Still do...but not in any way that I'm willing to act on at this particular time and place in my life.

One of the songs I love most by Rich Mullins is called “The River,” and it’s about how he wanted to be physically closer to heaven, to God, but there’s also a verse about this girl he loved. “Maybe she could come to Wichita, and we could borrow Beaker’s bike. Let the road wind tie our hair in knots, let the speed and the freedom untangle the lies. Maybe fear can vanish before love. Oh God, don’t let this love be denied.” I’m not sure when he wrote this or what exactly was going on in his head while he was writing it, but I think I understand this conflict.
Sometimes I don’t know what I’m looking for.

I’m six years wiser than I was when I was 25. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and when I think about my amazing church family and the friends I have here where I am, when I look at the beautiful children God has given me to love and teach, there’s no way I can regret the life God’s given me. Still, I can’t deny that there’s times when I want to go out looking for a clover that probably doesn’t even exist anymore.

There’s times when I have a “Maybe…” verse to the song of my life. “Maybe he would come to seminary in Wake Forest, and we could start over from scratch.” “Maybe I could move back down to Gville and start rebuilding the friendship that has gradually dissolved into nothingness.” “Maybe God would just move in his heart to call me, to rekindle the friendship that I miss so much.” Sometimes, even six years later, I still cry out, “Oh God, don’t let this love be denied.”

But you know, Rich Mullins died single, and he was content. He was happy. And I’m single, and most days I’m pretty content with that. I have a lot more than I could ever deserve. In a manner of speaking, I have a lot more than I could ever desire.

Sometimes I go out and look for a mostly useless four-leaf clover in those little green patches around my apartment, when I’m forgetting that there’s a pot of gold I’ve been promised, and it’s just beyond the rainbow. I want things that are so much less than what I’ve already been given.
I already have Christ, and nothing in heaven or on earth or under the earth can take Him away from me.

He’s not a consolation prize, though sometimes I treat Him as such and sometimes married people act as if He’s something I have to settle for.

Another line in that Rich Mullins song? “I may lose every dream I dreamt that I could carry with me, but I’ve failed so many times. But You’ve never let me fall down alone.”

I’ve really been thinking lately about what that means. If I lost every dream, if I lost every thing that I held dear, I would still have Jesus. And for the first time in my life, I really think that I get it. He’s enough. I say that as I type on a borrowed computer, but I have a computer to type on. I say that as I have a roof over my head. I say that as I have food in my fridge and health in my body. I say that as I have all these dreams that haven’t died yet—the stories that I long to write, to sell so that others can read them. I have songs to sing, friends to encourage, life to live. These things are all gifts, but there’s so much more…

I have a God that sympathizes with my weaknesses. I have a God that knows I sometimes struggle. I have a God that loves me enough to accept me as I am, but too much to leave me there. He’s always growing me, always stretching me, always showing me that there’s something more I can learn about Him and His amazing grace.

I’m very grateful for these last six years—the five and a half years of winter season, and this new and glorious spring I’ve had for the past six months. I’m excited about what God’s doing now, and I want to be a part of it.

I’m just grateful He WANTS me to be part of it. I know I don’t deserve it.

And I think this year that when I went out looking for clover, I just didn’t really think it was worth looking for anymore. There are other ways I can spend my time and energy than on dwelling on things that I only think I want. I do believe the Lord wants me to love this guy. I don’t believe the Lord wants us to be together—or otherwise, we would be. I don’t think those two statements are at all in conflict; the conflict is just in me. I don’t need to know the reasons. I just need to trust.

I’ve been wrestling with this for about nine years (we had a weird friendship for 3 years prior to dating). I will probably continue to wrestle. Most days, I’m fine, but there are going to be times when it hurts. There will be times when I’ll want to go back out and search for the clover, forgetting the pot of gold beyond the rainbow.

But it’s when I seek first Him and His Kingdom that I’ll find all I really need.

I’m learning, slowly but surely. I’m learning because God loves me enough to teach me.

I am so grateful to be alive.