On Rivers and Sleeping Daffodils

 "Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there someday." -A. A. Milne





This has been the mildest, most wonderful springs winters I've seen in a long time.  Sometimes I forget that it's still winter. 

Some of the trees are already budding, some of the flowers are already blooming, falling for nature's little trick.  But I've noticed that there are no daffodils yet.  The daffodils are still asleep.  I expect they'll pop up sooner or later, but for now, their absence serves as a reminder that it's still time to wait.

I know what they're waiting for.  They're waiting for spring.  They're waiting for the cold and death of winter (even if it's a mild winter) to finally be over, for the warmth and life of spring to wake them up.  They're waiting for the right time.

What am I waiting for?

I don't know, but I kinda figure that all those flowers that came out too early are going to fade out quickly, or maybe even be killed off by an unexpected wintry day.

The daffodils?  They don't rush. 

Neither will I.

Sunday Update: While We're Waiting

"I want my daddy to come back!"

In my line of work, I hear something similar to this phrase about 100 times a week.  My knee jerk response is, "Believe me, kid, I want your daddy to come back, too!" 

But when the kid is old enough to be reasoned with, I eventually try to explain the situation to the child.  "Your daddy always comes back.  Your daddy loves you.  Why don't you find something to do while you're waiting for your daddy to come back, and that will make the time go by faster.  Plus, you might have some fun."

The kid doesn't always get it.  That's because kids want what they want when they want it.  And adults are pretty much exactly the same way.

I've shared on here before that when I was a teenager, I spent a lot of sleepless nights staring up at the ceiling, pleading with God to show me His will for my life.  I wanted a "holy lightning bolt" showing me some career path to take.  I was willing to do anything, but I just wanted to know what it was.  But I really wasn't willing to do anything.  I wasn't willing to wait.  And God knew that.  And God knows that I still struggle with wanting to know every detail of everything I do before I do it.  That's why He still makes me wait.  That's why He only lets me know what He wants me to do one step at a time.  He wants me to trust Him.

And I wish I had figured this out in my teenage years, but God's already shown us what He expects from us.  We don't need a "holy lightning bolt.  God's already told us what He expects from us.  My favorite example of ths is: "He has shown you, O man, what is good.  And what does the Lord require of you? But to act justly, love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." --Micah 6:8. 

There's a great song I'm hearing on the radio these days.  "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller.  The song is honest, talking about the pain of waiting for God to move.  But it's also hopeful.  While we're waiting, we can worship.  We can serve where we are in what we're doing.

Sometimes we're in such a hurry to get on to the next thing.  We're always preparing for something, and sometimes we miss the moment we're living in.  It's even more of a temptation to do that when what we're going through is painful.  I don't think most people like to try to figure out why God's allowing us to go through a painful situation or what He wants to teach us through it.  We're always too busy trying to get away from the pain.

I went through over five years of a season of Spiritual winter.  There was little growth; I mainly just stayed in a period of frozen cold, waiting for spring to thaw me out again.  I spent a lot of time whining for my Father to come and get me out of it.  I even spent some part of that wondering if God was ever going to get me out of it.  But even in the midst of it all, I knew God had a reason for it.  I knew there was a purpose for the waiting.  I don't know how well I worshipped in the waiting or served in the waiting, but I knew God was holding on to me.  I rarely doubted that.

And there's another great song I'm hearing a lot.  It's by a band called "For King and Country" and it's called "Busted Heart."  The song speaks of a winter season, of our helplessness and brokenness, of knowing God is holding on to us, that in His time He's going to meet us right where we are.  And I can sing that from the other side of the winter season, knowing that God did hold on to me, knowing that He did love me, that He did come back to get me, knowing there was a reason for the winter.

The pride.  The anger.  The believing that I could somehow save myself.  These things started to fade away in the midst of my helplessness.  I still have a lot of pride.  I still have a lot of anger.  I still have to be reminded a lot that I am needy.  But when spring came again, I started growing again.  And I realized a lot of what I went through was preparing me for this time in my life.  I needed to realize the depths of my depravity before I could move on in the full grace of God. 

I still have a little bit of waiting to do, but everything seems to be screaming at me NOW!  Now is the time to step out in faith and see what happens.  Now is the time to realize that when we're faithful to do the little things we know we're supposed to do (act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with our God, etc.), God will reveal more to us.  And I've got a lot of work to do. 

I still fail sometimes.  I did this week.  Remember David when he committed adultery with Bathsheba?  Remember when she became pregnant?  Remember when he tried to deceive her husband by trying to get him to come home and sleep with her so that he'd think the child was his?  Remember when the anointed King, the man after God's own heart resorted to murder to cover his own tracks?  What was his first sin?  He was supposed to be at war, and instead, he stayed home in Jerusalem.  He wasn't doing what he was supposed to be doing, and part of the consequences for that inaction was a deeper path of sin.  While I've not committed adultery or killed anyone, I'm still just as guilty.  I can understand how one sin of inaction can lead to a path of sin.  And I've had to seek forgiveness this week for being prideful, for seeking my own ways instead of serving and worshipping and working while I'm waiting for God to move.

But when we confess our sin, God really is faithful to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).  It's hard to understand that in the midst of a winter season, when sometimes we're caught in cycles of sin and confession, of addiction and confusion, of wondering if God is ever going to come save us from ourselves.  But because of what I went through in the dark times, it was relatively easy to humble myself, to come to God and seek the forgiveness He is faithful to give.  It's because I know He loves me.  I know He's coming to get me.  Even when I'm a brat. 

He's holding on to us because His grasp is greater than our attempts to free ourselves from His grasp.  I don't know exactly what's going to happen in the next few weeks, but I'm excited.  I'm hopeful.  I'm expectant.  I don't need to know everything that's going to happen.  I just trust.  I just obey. 

It's because I know my Daddy loves me, and He's going to come through. 

Waiting

I'm not a patient person.

I've become a lot more patient in the past few years.

I have a feeling I'm going to become even more patient as I get older (and maybe even wiser).

One mistake I made about 13 years ago was praying for patience. I found out that God is faithful to answer that prayer by putting you through an ordeal that teaches you patience. That ordeal lasted a good year and a half or so. I prayed for patience in ignorance, not realizing what I was asking for. I figured God only gave me a year and a half long trial because I didn't know any better.

Then, about 9 years ago, I figured I was ready for another lesson. I figured I could handle another year and a half long lesson. So, in full knowledge that I was going to be tested, I prayed again for patience.

Fail.

I knew better. God knew I knew better, so He didn't go easy on me. This lesson lasted much longer. Years longer. In some ways, I'm still enduring it. I figure that's because I'm still not as patient as God wants me to be.

He's faithful.

I've been getting pretty impatient recently with my writing. It's just not clicking. I'm just not finding/making time to do what I need to do to send queries. When I make goals to do things, somehow I ALWAYS run out of the time I need to devote to these goals in order to accomplish them. This past week, I didn't have a single evening completely to myself. When I tried to write late at night (the only time available since I work 6 days a week), I'd end up falling asleep at the keyboard almost as soon as I started.

It has been weeks and weeks of this, over and over. The hamster wheel is getting old. I've gotten frustrated. But now I think I've come to the conclusion that it's just time to wait. I need to do what I can writing-wise, but it almost seems as though there's something keeping me from doing what I need to do in order to get it done. Even the little bit of writing I've done on a new project is just lacking something. I'm not sure what it is. I'm not sure how to fix it. I just have to wait.

I've had a couple of friends recently tell me (in a nice way--or maybe a not so nice way) that they're sick of waiting for me to get my books published (some of them have even recommended *shudder* self-publishing). What they mean is that they really want to see me published. They really want to read what I have written. I do understand that. It's just not very encouraging to have other people getting impatient with me when I'm more than impatient enough for myself.

Believe me, if you're one of those people waiting for me to get something written/published, you don't want it NEARLY as much as I do.

So thanks for your patience. I'm trying to have a little of my own. I don't doubt it's going to happen. It's just a matter of time. Right now, the wind is still. Maybe I've just gotta be still too...but just for a while.

Thanks for bearing with me.

And since I've actually got an evening off, I'm going to go try and write now. I have a feeling it's going to involve beating my head against a wall. Yay.

Ironic Poetry and Other Stuff

The journey to getting published is often one step forward and two steps back. I'm sure I'll learn this even more as the journey progresses. This week, I got all adventurous and decided I was going to attempt to send out some more queries (about time). Then I realized that while it's good that I'm wanting to start getting active again, I need to really take my time and do this right. I reread and revised my query. I like it. However, I'm going to have some people look over it again for me just to make sure it doesn't completely suck.



I also decided that I need to polish up a synopsis just in case an agent is intrigued enough by my query that they want to read a synopsis. So right now I'm just trying to line up all my hypothetical ducks to make sure they're in a hypothetical row. This is the part I really hate about being a writer who wants to get published. It's a time where I have to hurry up and wait--where I have to find the right balance and the proper timing. I've never been good at those things, but I'm excited to be doing something. I'm excited to see what will happen in the next few weeks.



In the meantime, I wrote a poem. I do write poetry, but I don't typically share my poetry. The reason for this is that I am a lousy poet.



Today, however, I thought it would only be right for me to share my latest poem. It snowed today in the beautiful state of North Carolina. I hate snow, but I have to admit that it was very pretty as it fell down and messed up the roads and got my car all snowified. Since it was such a wintry wonderland here where I live today, I thought I'd share a poem that I wrote a few weeks ago when everything was autumnal and snow free.



The autumn wind is expectant.
Its chill is vibrant and alive
Like it knows a happy secret
That it is trying not to hide.
All the trees are ablaze, now,
Like the bush that Moses could see
When he heard the Voice of "I AM"
Tell him to set His people free.
But the fire upon the trees here
Is just the color of the leaves.
I know the flames cannot consume
A single fiery autumn tree.
But the wind is still expectant.
I hear "I AM's" Voice in the sound
Of the breeze setting free each leaf
As they fall upon Holy Ground.

These Nothing Times

I haven't been blogging (here) a lot recently because this blog is supposed to be about writing. Right now, there's nothing going on. Last week, I worked two jobs every day (except Saturday--only one job on Saturday). When I wasn't working, I didn't feel like writing. I was either sleeping or resting. So basically, I haven't written much in the past couple weeks.

I am supposed to be working on a collection of short stories. I'm supposed to be researching agents to query (or actually querying them). I'm just too busy right now to think about it. The idea of finding a nice old guy to be my sugar daddy so I can quit my jobs and write is becoming more and more appealing all the time.

Seriously. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving just so I can NOT WORK for a day. I've got a friend coming over for Thanksgiving, but before she made those plans, I was planning on just having Thanksgiving by myself. I don't mind my friend coming over, and I'm glad she'll be there to share my turkey that's big enough to feed 13 people, but if she couldn't come, I would have been FINE. I want a nice, quiet Thanksgiving. That's all I want.

But as I'm typing this, I'm realizing that even though I'm not doing any writing right now, that doesn't necessarily mean that there's nothing happening with my writing. I sent my 1st book to some teenagers/older children to read. It hit me one day not to long ago that I have had a lot of grown-ups read my book, but I'm actually going to be marketing it to young adults--teenagers. I need some teenagers' opinions. So far, one 14 yr. old boy has read it. His assessment as he was reading it: "It's suprisingly good." My internal reaction: "Why surprisingly?" :-D His assessment after he finished reading it: "It's really good!" While I have to wait till Friday to get any in depth feedback, it's encouraging to hear that. It makes me want to write more--sigh. When I have time...

The publication process is SO long. Sometimes I feel like I should be doing more to get to that goal. I know that if I ever do get it into an agent's hands, it's going to be a long time before it gets into a publisher's hands. If I ever get it into a publisher's hands, it's going to be a long time before I see it in print. Right now it's still in MY hands. I feel like I should be doing something, but there's just not enough time for me at this particular moment. I don't see the holidays being any less time-consuming. Maybe this is a New Year's Resolution sort of thing.

But right now I know two families who are overseas working through the adoption process, trying to get their children and get them back to America. They have a lot of waiting, too. And I'm over here praying for them, trying to share in what God's doing in some small way. The fact is, God is doing something. Just as He's preparing the way for these families to come home with their beautiful children, He's preparing the way for my work to get published. I don't mean to downplay adoption, because I know my books are not as important in comparison. The work that God is doing with these children and these families is amazing. I just am in awe watching God work.

It's just that I also see His hand guiding me and my writing. I don't like these times when I'm too busy to write. I don't like these times when I have to do what is right before me and don't have any time to plan for the future. I don't like these times when I just have to wait and trust and wait.

But God is doing something, even when it seems that I'm not. And I am really excited to get to talk to this kid about what he thought about my book!