Monday Blahg: Cha-cha-cha-changes!

I recently asked myself about the things I'd like to change about my life.

I'd like to make more money, work less hours, and have health insurance.

I'd like more time to devote to writing.  In fact, I'd also like to already be a published author, and I'd like to have at least a modest following...or a not so modest following....

I'd like to get married and adopt some kids.

The problem with all of these things I'd like to change is, well, I can't have them without change.

I have ups and downs, but right now, I'm genuinely happy with the life I have.  I go to an amazing church with amazing people who serve one another out of godly love for one another.  I have so many friends that love me so well.  I have four jobs that, yes, add stress and pay little, but are also tremendous blessings.  My coworkers are remarkable, encouraging people.  I love this little town I live in.  I love this life I have.

And I'm very afraid of change--especially when I love my life as much as I do.

I know I've got to eventually find some other means of employment than what I'm currently doing.  The four job thing divides my loyalty and eats away my time and gives me extra stress.  I'm barely making ends meet and I have no insurance benefits.  I always owe $$$ on my taxes because my having multiple jobs confuses the whole system.  But I don't want to quit any of the jobs I currently have.  My coworkers and bosses are extraordinary, caring people who appreciate me and the work that I do.  I know they value me, and it makes me feel guilty to even consider leaving them.  I know sometimes it's important to think about myself and my needs, but I just love the kids and families I work with, I just love my coworkers and bosses.  I don't want things to change, even though I know they're eventually going to change.

If I become a published author, it is quite possible (and probable) that my life won't change all that much.  Most authors don't make enough to live on without having a "real job" or a "real spouse with a real job."  But I know that part of me would really like to be a somewhat popular author--at least in certain circles.  I don't know if that will ever happen, but I'd like it to.  And if it does, then that might mean I won't have time for all of the jobs I currently work.  It will mean that I will have to free my schedule for other things--such as book signing tours?  Yes, please.  Except--I'm not sure how I'd adapt to such changes.  I'm not sure how I would handle the life of an author, even if I'm not at all famous or popular. 

And being single is something I've gotten pretty used to.  If this blog that I want to start up ever happens, I will be writing it from the perspective of a single woman in the church (and fyi, that doesn't make it a "single's blog").  I know God is using me as a single woman right now to speak to some specific problems I've noticed in attitudes (both of single people and married people) within the church.  God's given me a different perspective on things that has come about partly because I am a single woman in her thirties.  And apart from all of that, I've just had a really long time to get used to being single.  I don't know what being in a relationship would look like right now.  I don't know what being married would look like right now.  I don't know what going through the process of adoption would look like right now.  I don't know what being a parent would look like right now.  I know that if God wanted me to be in a relationship, a marriage, a family, then He would provide for that--but I can't pretend that I'm not a little afraid to make the necessary changes to my lifestyle, my way of thinking, etc. 

I love my life.  I love my life as it is.

What scares me is that I know there are going to be some big changes in my life in the next few months whether I like it or not.  I don't have any choice in that matter.  As for other matters, almost every other matter in my life, I do have choices.  I have so many open-ended choices of what I could be doing, where I could be living, where I could be working, and which friends/family I could be closer to (location-wise).  I don't like choices.  I'm more comfortable when someone is telling me what I should do.  Sometimes I really wish that God would just give me a nice ten year life plan to look at.

God does give direction, but He mostly just likes to watch me sweat and wait till the last minute to give me that direction.  It's not because He gets some kind of perverse delight out of that; it's because He loves me.  It's because He wants me to trust Him.  It's because He knows I'm the kind of person who likes to see the whole path before I take the first step.  He doesn't lead me like that.  He turns out the lights, takes my hand, and leads me through the darkness, one step at a time. 

In other words, I won't know what I'm supposed to do until it's time to do it.  And He'll provide for me when that time comes.

So I know change is coming.  And I believe it will be good change.  I don't necessarily like the fact that change is coming, but I'm at peace.  I'm at peace because I know the Lord is making my paths straight, even if I can't see those paths.

I don't need to see the whole path.  I just need to focus on the things I know to do, and be obedient.

Right now, I need to work on my writing and editing a lot more. 

Right now, I need to make sure I'm going to sleep early enough to get up in the morning and have good, meaningful time with God.

Right now, I need to stop whining about how it's too cold to go running and just go get on the elliptical instead.

Right now, I need to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God.

Right now, I need to love and serve others more than I focus on how others love and serve me.

Right now, I need to wait and trust.

This world is uncertain.  Things are always changing, whether I like it or not.  I'm always changing. 

The reason why I can trust God through all of it is because He is the One Thing that never changes.


Question: What are some things you'd like to change about your life?  Are you willing to have other things change in your life in order to have those changes take place?

When Moses Takes Too Long

Moses had been gone a long time.

It had been over a month since the leader of the newly freed Israelites had gone up the mountain, disappearing behind the cloud that appeared as a consuming fire. The Israelites had said, in unison, that they would do everything that the Lord said to do.  And why not?  Hadn't God promised to go before them?  But now, God wasn't leading them anywhere.  Moses was up in that fiery cloud, and they were waiting.  Right now, the command was to wait.  The command was to wait for Moses to come back down.

But when the Israelites saw that Moses was so long in coming down from the mountain, they gathered around Aaron and said, “Come and make us a god to go before us. As for this Moses fellow, who brought us up out of Egypt, we do not know what has happened to him.”

Moses had been gone a long time. Something might have happened to him. He might have even died. They might be waiting in vain for him to return and tell them what to do.

Forty days.  Forty nights.  That was too long for the Israelites to wait.  They decided it was time for them to take matters into their own hands.  If Moses wasn’t coming back with instructions from the God who was supposed to go before them, they would have Aaron make them another god to lead them.

So Aaron took their jewelry, melted it, and made it into the image of a golden calf.  The Israelites forgot their promise to follow the Lord’s commands.  They bowed down to an image that was not God.  They worshipped something made out of their discarded jewelry, something made from human hands, something that didn’t ask them to wait.

Their god was something they could understand.  Their god was something they could control.  Their god was an easy god to follow.

The Israelites didn’t know all of the things the Lord had to tell Moses, about the precise details involved in the building of His temple, about the instructions in making all the various items that went inside His temple, about the rituals involved when a sinful people approach a holy God.  Had they known, they might have been more willing to wait.  God had much to say to Moses, and that took time.  Forty days and nights, that was a more than reasonable amount of time.  But their understanding of the situation wasn’t important; God wanted their trust.

And waiting always involves trust.

And trust is hard, just as waiting is hard.  Even after God had parted the seas and led His people out of captivity, even after He had fed them manna and quail in the wilderness, the Israelites found it hard to trust.  They found it hard to wait.  And they succumbed to their fears--the fears of not being in control, the fears of not knowing and understanding, the fears that following God just wasn't supposed to be easy.

 And the Israelites sinned.

And when Moses did come down from that mountain, he burned the golden calf. He crushed the ashes into powder. He sprinkled the powder on the water. He made the Israelites drink it. They had to drink their sin.

Now, I’ve never made an idol out of gold.  I’ve never taken off my jewelry, melted it down, and made a cow out of it.  I’ve never worshipped a piece of wood or a statue.  I’ve never been foolish enough to believe that a figurine could be worthy of my worship.

But there have been many times when I’ve grown tired of waiting for the Lord to move in my life.  There have been times when I’ve grown tired of trusting when He has said to trust, waiting when He’s said to wait.  There have been times when I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands and try to do things myself.  There have been times when I’ve tried to make myself into a god, tricking myself into believing that I have control.

There have been times when I’ve made gods out of my friends, unreasonably expecting them to understand me or be able to help me in ways that only God can.  And I frustrate those friendships.

There have been times when I’ve tried to use my own efforts to force a situation to work in the way I want it to, instead of waiting for God to move in His way and time.  And I frustrate the situation.

There have been times when I’ve tried to manipulate God by throwing a tantrum, instead of trusting, obeying, waiting…and ultimately resting in Him.  And I’m just grateful I can’t really frustrate God, just myself.

But, oh, there have been times when I’ve had to drink up those ashes of my sin.

Waiting isn’t easy.  Trust isn't easy.

Following a God whose ways are not our ways--that's also not easy.

But Moses is going to come down from that mountain.

God is going to come through.

We don’t need to fashion gods for ourselves.  We don’t need to try to gain control.

Because the Lord is the God who goes before us.

Sometimes we just have to wait a little while for Him to move…

…and sometimes we have to trust.

Ridiculous

God: Hosea.

Hosea: Yes, Lord?

God: You know that prostitute Gomer?

Hosea: Yes.  I mean, no.  I mean, I've heard of her, but I don't know her, know her.  She's not really my type.  I mean, she's beautiful and all, um, not that I've really been looking at her or anything.  But she's not exactly what I'd call "prophet's wife material."  I mean, she's a...wait.  Why exactly are you asking me about a prostitute?

God: Oh, I want you to marry her.

Hosea: Say what?

God: Marry her, Hosea. 

Hosea: You...want me to marry Gomer?  You want me to marry a prostitute.

God: Yes. 

Hosea: Um, all right, but I don't understand.  Sounds kind of ridiculous.

God: Just trust me, kid.

*********************************************

God: Jonah.

Jonah: Yes, Lord?

God: You know Nineveh?

Jonah: Oh, boy, do I ever.  Those people are wicked.  And not in the Ron Weasley way.

God: Don't be cute.  Harry Potter hasn't been invented yet, but if it were, you'd be one of the ones who thinks it's evil without ever having read it.  Oh, and I want you to go preach to Nineveh.

Jonah: Oh, yes, Lord!  I've been warming up my FIRE AND BRIMSTONE VOICE!  MUWAHAHAHA!  Do you like?

God: I've heard better.  Actually, I want you to call Nineveh to repentance. 

Jonah: Say what?

God: Tell them I'm willing to forgive them if they repent.

Jonah: Are we talking about the same Nineveh, because that's ridiculous.  Ridonkulous even.

God: Just trust me, kid.

Jonah: How 'bout I go the other way and hop a ship for Tarshish instead and get eaten by a ginormous fish, because that sounds like loads of fun.  After I throw myself a pity party and pray, you can have that fish spit me out right on Nineveh's doorstep.  Yeah, that would be great.  Then I'll preach to Nineveh,throw a fit over a worm and a vine, and never have my own personal story resolved.

God: I love you, kid, but you have issues. 

*********************************************
God: Son?

Jesus: Yes, Father?

God: You know what I'm going to say.

Jesus: Yes, I do.  This whole Trinity thing is pretty awesome.

God: It is, isn't it.  Anyway, You know what has to be done.

Jesus: Yes.  I do.  I know You will not take this cup from me.

God: And You understand why.

Jesus: I've always understood why.  Love.  We love these rebellious, sinful, stiff-necked people.

God: Oh, yes, we love them so, my Son.

Jesus: I trust you, but it doesn't make sense, does it, Father?  It doesn't make sense for the Holy God to love the people in this fallen world so much that we would die for them.  Yet I know that we do.  I know that we will do whatever it takes to redeem them.

God: Love is ridiculous, Son. 

Jesus:  I know, Father.  I know.

God: Trust me.

Jesus: I do, Father.  And I will obey.

*********************************************


God: Ruth.

Me: Yes, Lord.

God: Why are you crying?

Me: The past is coming to haunt me again.  I'm reminded of the years of trusting and waiting.  I'm reminded of those well-meaning friends who deeply hurt me when they called me ridiculous.  I can't stop listening to these reminders.

God: Well, remind yourself of what is true.

Me: True or False: I'm worthless.  True.

God: Yes, but always remember that my worth confounds your worthlessness.  I love you, I want you, I have a purpose for you, and that's far better than vainly trying to attain worth in your own effort.

Me: True or False: I take myself too seriously. Also true.

God: You care too much about what others think of you, and they don't truly have any power over you.  I'm the One who is defending you.  Trust me.

Me: True or False: I'm ridiculous.  It's true, isn't it?

God: Yes, my dear child, you are absolutely crazy ridiculous.  It doesn't make any worldly sense for you to keep waiting and trusting, doing what I've given you to do, when you have seen no results and been hurt in the effort.  But if you were striving in your own power instead of Mine, you wouldn't have the strength to keep going.  Take courage in that.  And remember, I love you ridiculously.  If anyone hates you, remember that they hated me first.

Me: True or False: Satan is behind this attack on me right now.  I think that's false.

God: You're right.  He's just in the forefront.  He planned this attack on you and carried it out, but he didn't suspect that I've been behind it all along, working to bring good out of what he intended for evil.  He really should suspect it, too.  I've been bringing good out of what he intended for evil ever since he got Eve to eat the fruit.  I'm in control.  That's why you can trust me, even if what you're doing seems ridiculous.

Me: Thank you, Father.

God: Rest now.  Wait.  And just trust me, kid.

Waiting

I'm not a patient person.

I've become a lot more patient in the past few years.

I have a feeling I'm going to become even more patient as I get older (and maybe even wiser).

One mistake I made about 13 years ago was praying for patience. I found out that God is faithful to answer that prayer by putting you through an ordeal that teaches you patience. That ordeal lasted a good year and a half or so. I prayed for patience in ignorance, not realizing what I was asking for. I figured God only gave me a year and a half long trial because I didn't know any better.

Then, about 9 years ago, I figured I was ready for another lesson. I figured I could handle another year and a half long lesson. So, in full knowledge that I was going to be tested, I prayed again for patience.

Fail.

I knew better. God knew I knew better, so He didn't go easy on me. This lesson lasted much longer. Years longer. In some ways, I'm still enduring it. I figure that's because I'm still not as patient as God wants me to be.

He's faithful.

I've been getting pretty impatient recently with my writing. It's just not clicking. I'm just not finding/making time to do what I need to do to send queries. When I make goals to do things, somehow I ALWAYS run out of the time I need to devote to these goals in order to accomplish them. This past week, I didn't have a single evening completely to myself. When I tried to write late at night (the only time available since I work 6 days a week), I'd end up falling asleep at the keyboard almost as soon as I started.

It has been weeks and weeks of this, over and over. The hamster wheel is getting old. I've gotten frustrated. But now I think I've come to the conclusion that it's just time to wait. I need to do what I can writing-wise, but it almost seems as though there's something keeping me from doing what I need to do in order to get it done. Even the little bit of writing I've done on a new project is just lacking something. I'm not sure what it is. I'm not sure how to fix it. I just have to wait.

I've had a couple of friends recently tell me (in a nice way--or maybe a not so nice way) that they're sick of waiting for me to get my books published (some of them have even recommended *shudder* self-publishing). What they mean is that they really want to see me published. They really want to read what I have written. I do understand that. It's just not very encouraging to have other people getting impatient with me when I'm more than impatient enough for myself.

Believe me, if you're one of those people waiting for me to get something written/published, you don't want it NEARLY as much as I do.

So thanks for your patience. I'm trying to have a little of my own. I don't doubt it's going to happen. It's just a matter of time. Right now, the wind is still. Maybe I've just gotta be still too...but just for a while.

Thanks for bearing with me.

And since I've actually got an evening off, I'm going to go try and write now. I have a feeling it's going to involve beating my head against a wall. Yay.

These Nothing Times

I haven't been blogging (here) a lot recently because this blog is supposed to be about writing. Right now, there's nothing going on. Last week, I worked two jobs every day (except Saturday--only one job on Saturday). When I wasn't working, I didn't feel like writing. I was either sleeping or resting. So basically, I haven't written much in the past couple weeks.

I am supposed to be working on a collection of short stories. I'm supposed to be researching agents to query (or actually querying them). I'm just too busy right now to think about it. The idea of finding a nice old guy to be my sugar daddy so I can quit my jobs and write is becoming more and more appealing all the time.

Seriously. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving just so I can NOT WORK for a day. I've got a friend coming over for Thanksgiving, but before she made those plans, I was planning on just having Thanksgiving by myself. I don't mind my friend coming over, and I'm glad she'll be there to share my turkey that's big enough to feed 13 people, but if she couldn't come, I would have been FINE. I want a nice, quiet Thanksgiving. That's all I want.

But as I'm typing this, I'm realizing that even though I'm not doing any writing right now, that doesn't necessarily mean that there's nothing happening with my writing. I sent my 1st book to some teenagers/older children to read. It hit me one day not to long ago that I have had a lot of grown-ups read my book, but I'm actually going to be marketing it to young adults--teenagers. I need some teenagers' opinions. So far, one 14 yr. old boy has read it. His assessment as he was reading it: "It's suprisingly good." My internal reaction: "Why surprisingly?" :-D His assessment after he finished reading it: "It's really good!" While I have to wait till Friday to get any in depth feedback, it's encouraging to hear that. It makes me want to write more--sigh. When I have time...

The publication process is SO long. Sometimes I feel like I should be doing more to get to that goal. I know that if I ever do get it into an agent's hands, it's going to be a long time before it gets into a publisher's hands. If I ever get it into a publisher's hands, it's going to be a long time before I see it in print. Right now it's still in MY hands. I feel like I should be doing something, but there's just not enough time for me at this particular moment. I don't see the holidays being any less time-consuming. Maybe this is a New Year's Resolution sort of thing.

But right now I know two families who are overseas working through the adoption process, trying to get their children and get them back to America. They have a lot of waiting, too. And I'm over here praying for them, trying to share in what God's doing in some small way. The fact is, God is doing something. Just as He's preparing the way for these families to come home with their beautiful children, He's preparing the way for my work to get published. I don't mean to downplay adoption, because I know my books are not as important in comparison. The work that God is doing with these children and these families is amazing. I just am in awe watching God work.

It's just that I also see His hand guiding me and my writing. I don't like these times when I'm too busy to write. I don't like these times when I have to do what is right before me and don't have any time to plan for the future. I don't like these times when I just have to wait and trust and wait.

But God is doing something, even when it seems that I'm not. And I am really excited to get to talk to this kid about what he thought about my book!