More Thoughts on Loving Leadership

Earlier this summer, I wrote a post entitled Loving Leadership, in which I shared some some things about leadership that I've learned in my experiences as both a leader and a follower.

But I've been thinking more about leadership lately, and I thought I'd follow up with another blog on loving leadership.

There's a popular children's game (or it used to be popular) called Follow the Leader.  The game was simple.  The leader would walk in front of a line of other children, and the followers would follow the leader around.  Sometimes the followers would just walk in line behind the leader, and sometimes they would mimic the leaders actions.

With children's games like this, it's no wonder I grew up with an image in my head of a leader being someone who goes in front of others.  And certainly, that is part of what a leader must do.  A leader should go before the followers.  A leader should either already know what's ahead or be the one to experience it first.

But I've been reading in Genesis lately, and I've realized there's another aspect of leadership.  I noted this aspect through two bad examples of leadership.

In Genesis, in the beginning, God created everything.  He made the earth and the skies, the sea and the land, the plants and all the animals.  And He made Adam and Eve and put them in the Garden of Eden.  They were allowed to eat from every tree except one.

It was never really clear how much time passed before Satan tempted Eve, and she ate of the fruit.  They might have lived quite happily in that garden for centuries.  They might not have lasted the week.  Knowing sin and temptation like I do, I'm going to guess it was the latter.

So Eve ate the forbidden fruit and really messed things up for everyone.  Thanks a lot, Eve.  Humanity was cursed forever because you just had to eat the fruit.

But I have one question.  Where was Adam?

Let's see if we can figure out where Adam was:

Gen. 3: 6 Then the woman saw that the tree was good for food and delightful to look at, and that it was desirable for obtaining wisdom. So she took some of its fruit and ate it; she also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. 

That's interesting.  That's very interesting.  According to Scripture, Adam was right there with Eve when she ate the fruit.  I'm assuming that he was also there during the temptation.

And I'm not going to speculate too much on this, but I'm assuming also that Adam was already the established leader in the relationship.  I do know that part of Eve's curse was that her husband rule over her, but I think a Godly sort of husband leadership was already in place before the Fall.  If this was the case, then why didn't Adam speak up?  Why didn't Adam protect his wife?  Why didn't Adam stop her from doing what they both knew to be wrong?

He didn't do any of these things.  Instead, he ate of the fruit when she gave it to him.  He just ate it.  And later, when they got caught, Adam started the finger pointing.  He blamed Eve, and what's worse, he blamed God for giving Eve to him.  But my question still stands.  Where was Adam?

Because although Adam was right there with Eve, he wasn't present in the way that he needed to be.  I do not discount Eve's grave sin; she was at fault.  However, I would be so bold as to state that the greater sin was Adam's.  He was the leader, and as the leader, he should have stood by what God had commanded.  He should have protected his wife.  Instead, he went along with whatever she said, and thus, humanity was cursed with sin and all its wages.

This isn't Scripture, but I really like something John Milton wrote in Paradise Lost.  When God questioned Adam for his sin, and Adam blamed Eve, God had an interesting response:

"Was she thy god?"

Was she?  Perhaps so.  For instead of following God's leadership, instead of being the godly leader that he should have been, he just went along with Eve's sin.

I have another example from Genesis, also involving a husband and a wife.

In Genesis 19, we have the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.  We also have an unusual case of a lady, identified only as Lot's wife, who was turned into a pillar of salt after turning back to look at the doomed cities.  The angels had warned them not to look back.  But Lot's wife did, and she was also destroyed.

But my question here is similar to the one I asked in the Genesis 19 account.  Where was Lot?

Genesis 19:23-26
23 The sun had risen over the land when Lot reached Zoar. 24 Then out of the sky the Lord rained burning sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah from the Lord. 25 He demolished these cities, the entire plain, all the inhabitants of the cities, and whatever grew on the ground.26 But his wife looked back and became a pillar of salt.

Now, it's not clear exactly where Lot was when his wife looked back, but one thing is abundantly clear from the entire account of Lot's escape from Sodom.  He was terrified.  He didn't want to leave; the angels had to drag him and his family along.  He didn't want to flee to the mountains, but instead pleaded to be allowed to run to the small town of Zoar.  And after his wife became the first Morton's girl (yes, I went there), he took his daughters off to the mountains, after all, because it turned out that  he was also afraid to live in Zoar.  And that's when things got disgusting all over again, but I digress.

See, I think it can be assumed that Lot was running ahead of his wife.  It sounds as though he just might have reached the city before she did.  I think it can be assumed that he wasn't running with her, nor was he running ahead of her as to lead her, but he was running ahead to save his own skin.  And, again, I'm assuming much here, but I think it's reasonable to say that Lot's wife might not have looked back if Lot had been with her.  Had he been leading her out of love, running with her, she might have survived the flight from Sodom.  As a result, she might have been there to guide her daughters to make better choices.  The Moabites and Ammonites (born of the incestuous relationships between Lot and his daughters) might never have existed to cause strife with Israel.  A lot of sin might have been prevented if one man might have been less fearful for his own sake, and more concerned for the welfare of his family members.

Sometimes, a leader has to walk on ahead, go on before, to lead the way.  It's much like in those silly childhood games of follow the leader.  But I'm learning that a good leader sometimes leads in a much different way.  Instead of walking on before, sometimes the best leader will come along beside.  Because we're not children playing silly games anymore, and I've learned that people are more likely to follow well when the leader is able and willing to come down and meet them where they are. 

I have one other example of a leader, but this is a good example.

When Jesus called his disciples, they came.  They left their fishing boats and nets and family members and they came.  Immediately.  When Jesus called Matthew, a tax collector and sinner, he came.  Why?  Why would these men follow Jesus just because he told them to follow?  

Because Jesus wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty.  He wasn't afraid to dine with those tax collectors and sinners.  He wasn't afraid of what others might think or even of what others might do.  He came along others and met them at their point of need. 

If anyone had any right to point fingers, it would have been Jesus.  If anyone had any right to save his own skin, it would have been Jesus.  But Jesus didn't flee from pain and death.  Jesus didn't pass blame.  Jesus loved.  And people followed him.  People still do.  I certainly try to.

And I know I'm still learning to be a leader.  Shoot, I'm still learning to be a follower.  But I know I've got to be humble and accept my own weaknesses.  I know that I have to trust beyond all my fears.

It's hard to follow.  It's hard to lead.  It's even harder to do both at the same time.  But I think a person has to learn to do both in order to be really good at either.  We need to trust God to come along side us as well as learn to come along side others.  We need to be humble as well as confident that the One who gave us our leadership abilities and positions is guiding us as we lead.  We need not to point fingers.  We need not to be afraid.  

We need to follow the Leader, and we need to trust Him as He leads us to lead.  

Impatient Patience

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12 NASB

It is perhaps a mark of faith to have the audacity to pray for patience. It is definitely an act of stupidity to pray for patience a second time.

I know that from experience.

Because God rarely, if ever, just offers anyone something as complex as patience on a silver platter. God grows patience in us by giving us situations, often trials, that make us wait.

Despite my stupid requests for patience, I'm still not as patient as I'd like to be. I'm not about to pray for more patience, though. I don't think I'm ready for more painful situations that make me wait. In fact, I still think I'm still dealing with some waiting from the LAST time I prayed for patience. 

Which, for the record, was over ten years ago.

Ah. There. Now you're getting it.

About six or seven years ago, when I was definitely in the midst of a painful waiting period, I said something that made my friends roll their eyes. They thought I was being cute or stupid, but I was serious. I was very serious. And at the time, I couldn't find anyone who could understand what I meant.

This is what I said:

"It's not that I'm impatient; I've just gotten really tired of waiting."

I got some condescending head nods and, "Riiiiight"s in response, and I can understand why. In their experiences, impatience was just an unwillingness to wait. But when someone has been patiently waiting for something for awhile, is hard to persevere.

I couldn't find counsel. I just found people who thought I was being ridiculous-not worthy of being taken seriously. And, you know, that's okay, because even then I realized that being relatively alone in my struggle was part of the ordeal God wanted me to endure.

But in the middle of that waiting, I came up with a cheesy acronym. It helped me through the really hard times, and it has served as a reminder over the years.

W.A.I.T.

Waiting always involves trust.

It's never easy to wait, whatever it is we're waiting for. Whether it's one of my preschoolers waiting for me to give him a cracker or it's me waiting to get some direction career-wise. But if my preschooler knows I love him and want the best for him, then he should trust that I'll give him what he needs. And if I believe God loves me and wants the best for me, then I should trust Him to provide for me.

The thing is, it's one thing for me to say something like that in a blog. Readers can nod their heads and agree that God is good and we should trust Him. Hooray! Everything is wonderful.

Except...sometimes it's not.

Because sometimes saints pray, and results aren't easy or quick to see. Sometimes young women pray for God to bring them a husband and children, children they desperately want and don't feel quite complete without, and yet those women grow old without seeing dreams fulfilled. Sometimes young men pray that temptations will be taken from them, yet they still struggle. Sometimes single moms pray that God will provide jobs and living situations that will give their children some kind of stability, and yet things don't work out. Sometimes beautiful people want to get out and serve others, but their health won't allow them to, even after they have prayed and prayed for healing. Sometimes a mother earnestly prays for salvation for her prodigal child, enduring every act of rebellion with a new crashing wave of pain, and never sees any sign of change.

And the world, even the Christian world, sometimes ESPECIALLY the Christian world, looks at these people and say, "They must be doing something wrong. God must be punishing them," or "They must not have much faith."

Or they just ignore them completely.

The fact is, I know a lot of patient people who have grown tired of being patient. They aren't impatient; they're EXHAUSTED. And a pithy word of "encouragement" isn't going to bring healing. It seems that Christians just want to slap Spiritual band-aids on wounds that require extensive healing.

If a person has been praying, waiting for a fulfilled hope, a healed illness or injury, a solution to a serious problem, then believe me, a platitude or Scripture reference isn't going to do anything but frustrate. The person who has waited doesn't need you to tell him or her to be more patient or trusting or godly or whatever.

He or she needs rest.

And there is only so much that we can do for those who have been waiting. We can fill some practical needs, but we can't fix everything.

Sometimes we think we have to fix everything. So we say things to cheer people up, things that don't work and often have the opposite effect. We try to downplay problems. We try to act like everything will be okay, when we really don't have a clue what the other person is going through.

Honestly, sometimes there just isn't anything we can do. We can just pray. We can just wait. We can just let the person who has been waiting and praying that he or she isn't praying and waiting alone. We can let him or her know it's okay to hurt, it's okay to be angry sometimes, it's okay to even doubt a little.

Because patience is hard, and it's even harder when you have to go through it alone.

Sometimes all people need is a hand to hold in the darkness--not a hand that will lead them, but just to let them know they're not in the darkness alone . You don't have to have all the answers; you just have to be there.

And sometimes when you come beside someone in the darkness, God will show up, too. All the problems might not be solved, deep pain might continue.

But for that moment, there is rest. There is a chance for the waiting person to breathe, to remember in Whom he or she places trust...

And there is strength and grace to wait again.

Be slow to judge, quick to listen, eager to love.

And keep your Spiritual band-aids in your pocket. Chances are, they won't be needed.

Like  one who takes off a garment on a cold day,  or like  vinegar on soda,
Is he who sings songs to a troubled heart.
Proverbs 25:20 NASB

How God Ruined (and Keeps Ruining) My Life

Sometimes, I inadvertently make good Southern Baptists really nervous.  It's because I'm not a good Southern Baptist, or really a Southern Baptist at all, though I've always gone to Southern Baptist churches.  I'm a Christian, and I hope to be a good one, but that's as far as I like to be labeled about such things.  People have argued with me that if I don't have a denominational label, like "Southern Baptist," then people aren't going to know what I believe.  Well, I argue back that if I call myself a "Southern Baptist," people STILL won't know what I believe.  I do believe most of the things that good Southern Baptists would claim to believe, but I'm a Christian.  If you want to know more about what I believe, a label isn't going to tell you.  I could call myself a "Southern Baptist" and believe that pink monkeys in sailor suits grant my wishes every time I pray.  The only thing that will help you know what I believe is asking me questions and getting to know me--or reading my blog, since I explain myself better in writing than I do in speech.

One thing I don't think I've ever really liked about good Southern Baptists is that most of them stress the importance of having a "personal testimony."  I understand what the point and purpose is, and I know that a lot of people will respond to a personal experience more easily than they would respond to Scripture.  My problem isn't that I don't think "personal testimonies" are important, but I never really understood what they were supposed to be. 

Some people have really awesome "personal testimonies" that are easy to tell.  "I was a drug addict for seventeen years, lost my job and custody of my four kids, was at the end of my rope and ready to just give up on life...BUT THEN I FOUND JESUS!  Now I have an awesome job, contact with my kids, and I haven't touched drugs or alcohol in years.  But most importantly, Jesus has saved my soul and I have hope of living with Him forever!"

I'm not making light of those testimonies.  They're amazing.  I've heard of so many wonderful stories of how God has changed lives, and God is using those changed lives to change the lives of others.  It's a beautiful thing.

Far too often, though, I hear a testimony that is a lot like I think mine is supposed to sound.  "I was raised in church every time the doors were open.  I was 'saved' as a child.  I fell away in my teenage years, but God got a hold of me.  Now I'm living every day for Him."

There's also nothing wrong with those testimonies.  God uses them, too.  I just think they're boring.  And they kind of make me feel like salvation is a thing of the past.

You wanna know something that will make good Southern Baptists shudder?  I don't know when I became a Christian.  I "walked forward" the day after my ninth birthday and told a minister that I'd accepted Christ.  I was baptized a week later, on Easter Sunday.

I didn't become a Christian at the age of nine.  It was before then, though I'm not exactly sure when.  I remember being afraid of hell and of demons.  I remember lying awake in bed at night and knowing I wasn't alone.  I remember wanting with all my heart to believe in God.  And I don't think there was some kind of "sinner's prayer" or grand change in my life.  I think that my salvation was something as simple as slipping my hand into the Hand that was extended towards me.  The action was so simple that I don't remember when it happened.

God had been pursuing me all my life, in a way I couldn't ignore.  Though I was a little hellion as a toddler (okay, and after I was a toddler, too...and okay, when I was a teenager...and right now), I can't remember my life without Christ.  He's always been a major part of it.  So, as uncomfortable as it makes good Southern Baptists to hear this, I kind of believe that, in a way, I've always been a Christian.  I wasn't born free of the curse of sin.  I wasn't sinless.  I didn't come out of the womb professing my faith in Christ.  But God has had His hand on me all my life.  I can't ignore that fact, or what it means...but more about that in just a bit.

What I just wrote is not my "personal testimony."  See, I've learned that my testimony isn't so much about how I've become a Christian.  I can't remember that.  I can't remember the moment when I slipped my hand into God's Hand.  All I know is that He's never let go.

Did I fall away from faith?  I don't know.  I guess so, but not really.  In my early teenage years, I certainly worried more about my own image than I did about representing Christ.  I was slightly more solid in my faith in my middle teenage years.  But then, when I was nineteen, I became an atheist for 10 minutes.

I couldn't feel God.  I was suffering from my first real bout of seasonal depression (but I didn't know what it was then--I just thought I was literally going crazy).  My friends at the time were not the best influences or encouragers, though I'm not blaming them.  It was a season God wanted me to walk through, but He didn't leave me there. 

I was in the tree house in my backyard, praying.  And I had just had enough of everything.  So I told God, "I just can't believe in You anymore."  And I sat there, wondering what to do in my new found lack of faith.  The funny thing was, I wanted to pray about it, and I had to remind myself that I didn't believe I had anyone to pray to.  I had no idea how not to believe in God.  After a few minutes, my eyes fell upon one of my journals.  I opened it up to a random page.  There was a poem I'd written while watching the sunset a few nights before.  I recognized my handwriting.  I remembered the occasion when I wrote down the words.  But I didn't recognize a single word from the poem.  And the Holy Spirit said, "I wrote this.  Read the words, because I wrote them through you."  It was a simple poem of praise.  I hadn't written it.  The One who wrote it was the God whose Hand was still heavy upon me.

Having God's Hand upon me is a curious thing.  It means I'm protected.  It means I'm guided.  It means I belong to God.

It also means that my life doesn't belong to me, anymore.  Not that it ever really did....

I was such a horrid little toddler because I always wanted my way.  I was a horrid child because I wanted my way.  I was a horrid teenager because I wanted my way.  And sometimes I really am a horrid adult because all I really want is to have my own way.

But I can't.  I can't because God isn't really all that interested in giving me what I want--especially not right when I want it.  God fulfills my needs.  God gives me more than I deserve.  But God doesn't cater to me and my demands, but He demands that I regard Him as holy.  And sometimes that's really hard to do, but I have to--because His hand is upon me.

And because His hand is upon me, because I'm dependent upon His guidance, I'm in a fearful place.  I have all the blessings of Christ, but it as C. S. Lewis wrote "...He's not a tame lion..."  It's hard to trust in God's provision and strength in the darkness.  Because even if God is able, that doesn't mean He has to give me what I want.  Because even if God is good, that doesn't mean He won't lead me to something that is incredibly difficult.  Because even if God is merciful, that doesn't mean He won't lead me to something that hurts me immensely.  Because even if God is strong, that doesn't mean He won't lead me to something that might even cost me my life. 

...not that my life was ever mine anyway.  That's such a hard lesson to learn.  Thankfully, I have a patient, loving Teacher who has experienced all the beauty and strife of humanity (yet was without sin).

But that's my testimony, isn't it?  It's not that "one big moment" where I chose to give my life over to Christ.  It's the thousands of little moments where I still choose to give my life over to Christ.  It's when I'm still the child in the darkness, afraid of demons, afraid of the unknown, but still knowing I'm not alone.  It's when I have all the things I want to do and I want to have and I want to be, but I hear the still small Voice telling me that I belong to Him.  It's when I still make the choice and reach up to take the Hand that's been extended to me--and walk, one step at a time, into whatever He leads me to.

God loves me, but He's not interested in my way.  And I'm pretty sure that my way leads to destruction anyway.  His way, the only way, leads to life.  I might have to lose my life in order to find it in Him, I might have to lose the world in order to gain my soul.  It's not a bad trade off, in theory, though it hurts like crazy in practice. 

But at the end of the day, all I can do is be thankful that God wants my ruined life for His glory.  All I can do is be in awe and wonder of a God who can take someone as selfish and simple as me and give me a purpose beyond anything I could ask or imagine.  All I can do is worship the God whose grace is so complete that it not only provides a way out of the monotony of working on things that I think will bring me glory, but allows me to come alongside God in the work that He is doing to bring Himself glory.  All I can do is be amazed that the Creator of the universe loves and wants me.  It's unbelievable.

Yet I am not able to not believe it.
I've never been not able to believe it.

And the One who reached His hand to me in my childhood--He's still holding on. 

That's where my true, my only Hope rests.  My ruined life?  It belongs to the One who has redeemed it.

That's my testimony.

Monday Blahg: Learning Where to Look

The other day at the drop-in center, we had a kid who could only speak Spanish.  Since I had SIX semesters of Spanish (two in high school and four in college), you'd think that wouldn't be a problem.  You'd think that I could actually speak and understand the Spanish language.  Not so much.  Still, since the other worker there had only taken French, I was suddenly the interpreter.

I spent most of the morning saying, "No comprendo." 

But I understood some of what he said.  For instance, there was a time when the kid climbed the climbing wall (it's only about 6-7 feet high and well padded underneath, so the kids use it without assistance).  He was so proud of himself that he loudly, insistently exclaimed, "MIRAME!  MIRAME! MIRAME! MIRAME!"  I know what that means.  "Look at me!"

My attention was on another child at that moment, so when I finally heard him shouting, I jokingly shouted back, "I'M LOOKING AT YOU!"  It took me a few seconds to remember that he didn't understand English.  And my Spanish is so bad I didn't know how to properly translate.  So I said it in English again, even though he couldn't understand.  "I'm looking at you."

The past few weeks have been hard for me.  I've been burned out.  I've been frustrated.  And I've just basically been ready to throw the towel in on everything that I'm doing.  Part of me is shouting "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!" and I feel like God either can't hear or can't understand.  Really, it's the other way around.  He's been saying, "Hey.  I see you, kid," only I've been the one who can't understand. 

It's because I've not been looking at Him.  I've been looking at my circumstances.  I've been looking at other people and what they've accomplished.  I've been looking at my failures.  I've been looking at myself, hoping to provide for my own needs in the midst of everything that's going on.  And I feel inadequate.  I feel discouraged.  I feel like I've wasted my life.  I feel like there's no way out of all the things I have going on, out of all the situations I have that are less than ideal.

God isn't screaming.  He seldom does.  He's usually pretty quiet, sitting over in the corner, waiting for me to get done throwing my tantrums.  Then, when I'm quiet, I hear Him.  "Hey, kid.  I see you.  Now.  Look. At. Me."

The Israelites wandered around in the desert for 40 years because they rebelled against God.  What was the last straw, the time when God said, "Okay, you know what?  Your kids will see it, but your generation isn't going to see the Promised Land"?  It was when God wanted to give them land, but the Israelites were afraid because of the people who lived there.  God had delivered the Israelites from the oppressive Egyptians.  The Israelites had seen God part the waters of the Sea of Reeds (or Red Sea).  God had given the Israelites water from stones and manna from heaven.  After all of this, the Israelites still didn't believe that God could provide for them in the midst of their circumstances.  They were afraid.  They trusted in their own strength, which meant they didn't have much to trust in at all.

Maybe it is time for me to start looking for other employment.  Maybe it is time for me to make some changes.  I don't think it's at all wrong for me to start that process.  But in the past couple of weeks, I've just talked myself into that being the only solution to my messed up life.  Though I love my jobs, I'm overworked, underpaid, and have little time to work on my writing.  I got myself all worked up and started talking myself into believing that the only way out would be to find a different, full time job, and this is a problem because I don't even know what I want to do for a living besides what I've been doing.  But I felt that I couldn't keep going, couldn't figure things out.  And I panicked.  I wanted to take matters into my own hands and rid myself of the circumstances that make my life difficult.

...but maybe what I need to do is stop worrying about what other people think about me and my current situations.  Maybe I need to stop worrying about not having enough time to do things as quickly as I would like to do them.  Maybe I need to stop looking so much at myself; maybe I need to stop trusting in myself.  Because that's obviously not working....

I don't know if God has a job change in store for me or not.  What I do know is that He's going to give me grace for the situations that I'm in, whatever those situations happen to be.  They might not always be what I or the rest of the world sees as ideal, but it's going to be enough.  That's the promise He's made to me, and if I'm looking at Him instead of myself and the situations I'm in, I'm going to believe that promise.  I'm going to trust in Him.  I'm going to have enough. 

Things I have accomplished this year:

--I met the goal of being able to comfortably wear a size 6 again.  Now to learn how to maintain my current weight...
Things I'm working on:

--Continue half-marathon training.  Not going well, per se, but it's going.

--Continue editing second novel.

--Look at first novel again.  Figure out what I need to do before submitting it to agents again (this is going to be a process, I think).

--Sleep, eat, pray, live, breathe.  It's not that all the things I have going on aren't important, it's just that sometimes I make them more crucial than they need to be.

"...You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed...."  --Jesus (Luke 10:41-42)

Look at Him.

Monday Blahg: Cha-cha-cha-changes!

I recently asked myself about the things I'd like to change about my life.

I'd like to make more money, work less hours, and have health insurance.

I'd like more time to devote to writing.  In fact, I'd also like to already be a published author, and I'd like to have at least a modest following...or a not so modest following....

I'd like to get married and adopt some kids.

The problem with all of these things I'd like to change is, well, I can't have them without change.

I have ups and downs, but right now, I'm genuinely happy with the life I have.  I go to an amazing church with amazing people who serve one another out of godly love for one another.  I have so many friends that love me so well.  I have four jobs that, yes, add stress and pay little, but are also tremendous blessings.  My coworkers are remarkable, encouraging people.  I love this little town I live in.  I love this life I have.

And I'm very afraid of change--especially when I love my life as much as I do.

I know I've got to eventually find some other means of employment than what I'm currently doing.  The four job thing divides my loyalty and eats away my time and gives me extra stress.  I'm barely making ends meet and I have no insurance benefits.  I always owe $$$ on my taxes because my having multiple jobs confuses the whole system.  But I don't want to quit any of the jobs I currently have.  My coworkers and bosses are extraordinary, caring people who appreciate me and the work that I do.  I know they value me, and it makes me feel guilty to even consider leaving them.  I know sometimes it's important to think about myself and my needs, but I just love the kids and families I work with, I just love my coworkers and bosses.  I don't want things to change, even though I know they're eventually going to change.

If I become a published author, it is quite possible (and probable) that my life won't change all that much.  Most authors don't make enough to live on without having a "real job" or a "real spouse with a real job."  But I know that part of me would really like to be a somewhat popular author--at least in certain circles.  I don't know if that will ever happen, but I'd like it to.  And if it does, then that might mean I won't have time for all of the jobs I currently work.  It will mean that I will have to free my schedule for other things--such as book signing tours?  Yes, please.  Except--I'm not sure how I'd adapt to such changes.  I'm not sure how I would handle the life of an author, even if I'm not at all famous or popular. 

And being single is something I've gotten pretty used to.  If this blog that I want to start up ever happens, I will be writing it from the perspective of a single woman in the church (and fyi, that doesn't make it a "single's blog").  I know God is using me as a single woman right now to speak to some specific problems I've noticed in attitudes (both of single people and married people) within the church.  God's given me a different perspective on things that has come about partly because I am a single woman in her thirties.  And apart from all of that, I've just had a really long time to get used to being single.  I don't know what being in a relationship would look like right now.  I don't know what being married would look like right now.  I don't know what going through the process of adoption would look like right now.  I don't know what being a parent would look like right now.  I know that if God wanted me to be in a relationship, a marriage, a family, then He would provide for that--but I can't pretend that I'm not a little afraid to make the necessary changes to my lifestyle, my way of thinking, etc. 

I love my life.  I love my life as it is.

What scares me is that I know there are going to be some big changes in my life in the next few months whether I like it or not.  I don't have any choice in that matter.  As for other matters, almost every other matter in my life, I do have choices.  I have so many open-ended choices of what I could be doing, where I could be living, where I could be working, and which friends/family I could be closer to (location-wise).  I don't like choices.  I'm more comfortable when someone is telling me what I should do.  Sometimes I really wish that God would just give me a nice ten year life plan to look at.

God does give direction, but He mostly just likes to watch me sweat and wait till the last minute to give me that direction.  It's not because He gets some kind of perverse delight out of that; it's because He loves me.  It's because He wants me to trust Him.  It's because He knows I'm the kind of person who likes to see the whole path before I take the first step.  He doesn't lead me like that.  He turns out the lights, takes my hand, and leads me through the darkness, one step at a time. 

In other words, I won't know what I'm supposed to do until it's time to do it.  And He'll provide for me when that time comes.

So I know change is coming.  And I believe it will be good change.  I don't necessarily like the fact that change is coming, but I'm at peace.  I'm at peace because I know the Lord is making my paths straight, even if I can't see those paths.

I don't need to see the whole path.  I just need to focus on the things I know to do, and be obedient.

Right now, I need to work on my writing and editing a lot more. 

Right now, I need to make sure I'm going to sleep early enough to get up in the morning and have good, meaningful time with God.

Right now, I need to stop whining about how it's too cold to go running and just go get on the elliptical instead.

Right now, I need to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God.

Right now, I need to love and serve others more than I focus on how others love and serve me.

Right now, I need to wait and trust.

This world is uncertain.  Things are always changing, whether I like it or not.  I'm always changing. 

The reason why I can trust God through all of it is because He is the One Thing that never changes.


Question: What are some things you'd like to change about your life?  Are you willing to have other things change in your life in order to have those changes take place?

When Moses Takes Too Long

Moses had been gone a long time.

It had been over a month since the leader of the newly freed Israelites had gone up the mountain, disappearing behind the cloud that appeared as a consuming fire. The Israelites had said, in unison, that they would do everything that the Lord said to do.  And why not?  Hadn't God promised to go before them?  But now, God wasn't leading them anywhere.  Moses was up in that fiery cloud, and they were waiting.  Right now, the command was to wait.  The command was to wait for Moses to come back down.

But when the Israelites saw that Moses was so long in coming down from the mountain, they gathered around Aaron and said, “Come and make us a god to go before us. As for this Moses fellow, who brought us up out of Egypt, we do not know what has happened to him.”

Moses had been gone a long time. Something might have happened to him. He might have even died. They might be waiting in vain for him to return and tell them what to do.

Forty days.  Forty nights.  That was too long for the Israelites to wait.  They decided it was time for them to take matters into their own hands.  If Moses wasn’t coming back with instructions from the God who was supposed to go before them, they would have Aaron make them another god to lead them.

So Aaron took their jewelry, melted it, and made it into the image of a golden calf.  The Israelites forgot their promise to follow the Lord’s commands.  They bowed down to an image that was not God.  They worshipped something made out of their discarded jewelry, something made from human hands, something that didn’t ask them to wait.

Their god was something they could understand.  Their god was something they could control.  Their god was an easy god to follow.

The Israelites didn’t know all of the things the Lord had to tell Moses, about the precise details involved in the building of His temple, about the instructions in making all the various items that went inside His temple, about the rituals involved when a sinful people approach a holy God.  Had they known, they might have been more willing to wait.  God had much to say to Moses, and that took time.  Forty days and nights, that was a more than reasonable amount of time.  But their understanding of the situation wasn’t important; God wanted their trust.

And waiting always involves trust.

And trust is hard, just as waiting is hard.  Even after God had parted the seas and led His people out of captivity, even after He had fed them manna and quail in the wilderness, the Israelites found it hard to trust.  They found it hard to wait.  And they succumbed to their fears--the fears of not being in control, the fears of not knowing and understanding, the fears that following God just wasn't supposed to be easy.

 And the Israelites sinned.

And when Moses did come down from that mountain, he burned the golden calf. He crushed the ashes into powder. He sprinkled the powder on the water. He made the Israelites drink it. They had to drink their sin.

Now, I’ve never made an idol out of gold.  I’ve never taken off my jewelry, melted it down, and made a cow out of it.  I’ve never worshipped a piece of wood or a statue.  I’ve never been foolish enough to believe that a figurine could be worthy of my worship.

But there have been many times when I’ve grown tired of waiting for the Lord to move in my life.  There have been times when I’ve grown tired of trusting when He has said to trust, waiting when He’s said to wait.  There have been times when I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands and try to do things myself.  There have been times when I’ve tried to make myself into a god, tricking myself into believing that I have control.

There have been times when I’ve made gods out of my friends, unreasonably expecting them to understand me or be able to help me in ways that only God can.  And I frustrate those friendships.

There have been times when I’ve tried to use my own efforts to force a situation to work in the way I want it to, instead of waiting for God to move in His way and time.  And I frustrate the situation.

There have been times when I’ve tried to manipulate God by throwing a tantrum, instead of trusting, obeying, waiting…and ultimately resting in Him.  And I’m just grateful I can’t really frustrate God, just myself.

But, oh, there have been times when I’ve had to drink up those ashes of my sin.

Waiting isn’t easy.  Trust isn't easy.

Following a God whose ways are not our ways--that's also not easy.

But Moses is going to come down from that mountain.

God is going to come through.

We don’t need to fashion gods for ourselves.  We don’t need to try to gain control.

Because the Lord is the God who goes before us.

Sometimes we just have to wait a little while for Him to move…

…and sometimes we have to trust.

2011 No Shredding Zone

I was listening to KLOVE while beginning my loooong drive home from central KY-eastern NC (with a short detour in SC) Wednesday morning, and I heard one of their DJs, Amanda, talking about "shredding" things from 2011.  The things to be "shredded" could be things like bad situations, wrongful attitudes, poor habits, bad relationships, etc.  She was talking about how we should get rid of those negative things from 2011 and "shred" them so that they wouldn't be around to bother us in 2012. 

If I hadn't been driving down the interstate at 70(ish) miles an hour, I probably would have called in.  It's a good thing I didn't, because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have come across very clearly.  KLOVE is a "positive and encouraging" radio station, so I'm pretty sure the lack of clearness in my communication would have sounded pretty discouraging and negative, even though that would not have been my intention.  I know what she was doing was a good thing.  Some people really need to get rid of bad habits, abusive relationships, negativity, etc.  It's just that I have a little different perspective.

I'm not one of those people who goes around saying, "No regrets."  Of course I have regrets.  I'm human.  I mess up all the time and screw up my own life as well as the lives of others.  Even when it's not my fault, this world is tainted with sin; situations arise that just don't go the way I want them to go.  Sometimes that's for my good; sometimes I just don't see why in the world things can't be different.  Sometimes there seems to be no reason for pain.  So, yes.  I have regrets.  I have a lot of them. 

But just because I've collected some regrets over 2011 doesn't mean I'm ready to go "shred" them.  The main thing the Lord has been teaching me over the past year is that HIS GRACE covers everything.  That means that every situation that arises in my life is something that He has allowed to happen.  Does that mean He's caused every bad situation?  No.  As I said before, sometimes bad stuff is the result of my own bad behavior or my own poor choices.  Other times, though, bad stuff just happens.  We live in a sinful world, and we have to deal with the results of sin.  God doesn't necessarily cause bad stuff to happen.  But I know that if I'm going through a situation, it's something that has already been filtered through God's grace.  He's allowed it, and sometimes for reasons I'll never understand. 

And if God has allowed something to happen, then it's something He wants me to walk through.  That doesn't mean it's going to be easy, but it leaves me with two amazing opportunities, opportunities that are only provided through His amazing grace.  I'm offered the opportunity to show love to others.  If someone sins against me, causing me pain, I have the opportunity to love them.  If someone does something to inconvenience me, I have the opportunity to show them grace--the same grace that I've been freely given. 

I also have the opportunity to trust God.  Sometimes the reason I have to hurt is clear; other times, it's not.  And I can sit and wallow in self-pity, or I can sit and allow myself to get bitter, or I can put on some kind of facade that makes everyone think I'm somehow strong enough to deal--when I'm really not.  Or, I can surrender the situation over to the Lord, trusting Him and His sufficient grace to be my perfect power in my weaknesses.

Everything that has happened in 2011 is something the Lord allowed me to walk through.  Everything before 2011 was something the Lord allowed me to walk through.  I can't "shred" my past; it's part of me, part of the person that the Lord is creating and recreating.  I learn from mistakes, I grow through my struggles.  The things that have happened to me, good and bad, are things that helped to shape me.  They don't define me, but then again, neither do my successes.  They're all just part of what the Lord has given me to help me know Him more. 

What does define me?  Grace.  Just grace.  That's why I can look towards 2012 as a year of Hope.

Idolatrous Anger

What do two ladies on the telephone, a few friends on facebook, and a well-meaning driver have in common?

They are all people whose behavior I cannot control.

Yet, in the past two days, all of these people have made me angry.  Scratch that.  In the past two days, I've allowed myself to become angry after interacting with all of these people. 

I'm not sure why this is, but one of my greatest insecurities is being thought of as stupid.  I know I'm not stupid.  I've got a slightly higher than average I.Q., I made good grades when I was in school, and people have generally led me to believe that my conversational skills are not comparable to that of a brick wall.  But I know I'm insecure about what people think of my intellect because I tend to get REALLY angry when I think that someone's insulting my intelligence, talking down to me, or patronizing me in any way, shape, or form. 

Maybe it's a common human reaction.  Most of us don't like being told things that we already know, as if we don't know them.  Most of us don't like it when people talk to us like we're children who don't really understand what's going on.  Most of us don't like it when people don't respect us as we want to be respected.  Just because it's common doesn't make it okay.

In the past year, the Lord's really been working on my anger.  I still have a short fuse when I get overwhelmed (and sometimes when I'm just plain whelmed), and I am working on this, but that's not really what I'm talking about.  When my short fuse blows, it's usually quick.  I don't have time to think.  There's just an outburst, and it's over.  Life goes on.  But the anger that really goes deep is the kind that is calculated, the kind that I have time to think about and plan a course of action.

Like Monday morning, when I assumed that a handful of friends on facebook were calling me stupid.  They weren't really doing this (the whole thing was not a big deal at all until I made it into one), but my insecurity kicked in.  I made some kind of snarky comment, which I knew I shouldn't post.  The Holy Spirit was working on me, and I ignored Him because I wanted respect.  I demanded respect, even if it was just in the form of an innocent looking snarky comment with a smiley face added to the end.  But God knew my heart, and my heart wasn't right.  And I posted that comment in anger, and then went out the door to go to work, taking my guilt with me.

It's funny how one sin can lead to another.  I was angry, unjustifiably, but I wanted to justify it.  So on my way to work I kept running the scenario over in my head, wanting to make myself out to be the good guy and everyone else out to be wrong.  And then, as I was mulling all of this over in my head, knowing in the back of my mind that I was sinning, this driver did something that ticked me off even more.  It wasn't dangerous.  She wasn't doing anything that could have hurt me or anything else.  In fact, she was trying to be nice, not realizing that she was blocking me from my intended destination.  But since I was already angry, already wanting to be right, already wanting to get my way, I allowed myself to get angry at this other person who was blocking my path to what I wanted, when I wanted it. 

Later that day, I answered the phone at the house where I nanny.  When I informed the lady on the phone that I was the nanny, her tone changed and she started talking to me as if I were a child.  I asked for a phone number so the mom could call her back; she blurted it out.  When I asked her to repeat it, she said each number as slowly as humanly possible and added, "Did you get it that time, sweetie?" 

Then yesterday, another lady called the house where I nanny.  When she heard I was the nanny, she told me that she wasn't comfortable leaving a message with me because she didn't think I was responsible enough to deliver it.

And while I tried to be polite to both of these women, inside (and outside once I was off the phone with them), I was livid.  I was outraged at the disrespect, the condescension, the belittlement.  Again, I was feeling as though I was being thought of as stupid, and that was something I couldn't bear....

...only I kind of figure that there's a reason all of this stuff has happened to me in the past couple of days.  In praying for humility, I've been humbled.  In praying for God to make me more gracious, I've been given opportunities to do so, and I've failed.  And I think I've failed because God is still stripping down the layers of anger that I want to hold on to.  I want respect.  I want things my way.  I want people to take me seriously.

Only I'm more worried about what other people think than about what God thinks, and when I defend myself, I'm not trusting Him enough to defend me.  And if He's not defending me, then it's probably an issue that really doesn't matter.  At all.  I just want to glorify myself instead of glorifying Him; that's where the real problem is.

And the thing is, I don't have control over other people.  I can't make a lady on the telephone treat me with respect.  Is she wrong for her behavior?  Maybe.  It doesn't matter--I can't change her behavior at all.  If some of my facebook friends really did assume I was stupid, were they in the wrong?  Maybe.  It doesn't matter--I can't change their behavior.  Just like I can't control the driving of anyone else just by blowing my horn at them. 

When it comes down to it, there's only one person I can control, and that's me.  If I think someone wrongs me, or even if they really do wrong me, I have a choice about whether I can show grace and forgive, or whether I'm going to be angry and sin.  I have a choice about whether I'm going to make my cause most important, or whether I'm going to do what is right in the eyes of God.  I'm apparently still learning this lesson: Everything that comes my way is an opportunity to love others and to trust God. 

I have to say though, I'm thankful for this lesson, as painful as it's been.  I'm thankful for a God who loves me enough to stretch me, enough to humble me, enough to show me grace...and to teach me how to show grace to others.

I might be the only person in the world who was dumb enough to ask for patience twice.  You'd think I'd have learned the first time that God rarely grants patience in an instant--He usually teaches patience by making us wait...and wait...and wait.  And I kinda figure that breaking through my anger is going to be a similar process.  But selfish anger, like a lot of other things, is an idol.  And God loves me too much to allow me to keep it.

Romans 15:13

I'm pressed for time today, so I'm just going to leave you with this:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  -Romans 15:13

What's something you're trusting God with right now (or struggling to trust God with--as is usually the case with me)??

Ridiculous

God: Hosea.

Hosea: Yes, Lord?

God: You know that prostitute Gomer?

Hosea: Yes.  I mean, no.  I mean, I've heard of her, but I don't know her, know her.  She's not really my type.  I mean, she's beautiful and all, um, not that I've really been looking at her or anything.  But she's not exactly what I'd call "prophet's wife material."  I mean, she's a...wait.  Why exactly are you asking me about a prostitute?

God: Oh, I want you to marry her.

Hosea: Say what?

God: Marry her, Hosea. 

Hosea: You...want me to marry Gomer?  You want me to marry a prostitute.

God: Yes. 

Hosea: Um, all right, but I don't understand.  Sounds kind of ridiculous.

God: Just trust me, kid.

*********************************************

God: Jonah.

Jonah: Yes, Lord?

God: You know Nineveh?

Jonah: Oh, boy, do I ever.  Those people are wicked.  And not in the Ron Weasley way.

God: Don't be cute.  Harry Potter hasn't been invented yet, but if it were, you'd be one of the ones who thinks it's evil without ever having read it.  Oh, and I want you to go preach to Nineveh.

Jonah: Oh, yes, Lord!  I've been warming up my FIRE AND BRIMSTONE VOICE!  MUWAHAHAHA!  Do you like?

God: I've heard better.  Actually, I want you to call Nineveh to repentance. 

Jonah: Say what?

God: Tell them I'm willing to forgive them if they repent.

Jonah: Are we talking about the same Nineveh, because that's ridiculous.  Ridonkulous even.

God: Just trust me, kid.

Jonah: How 'bout I go the other way and hop a ship for Tarshish instead and get eaten by a ginormous fish, because that sounds like loads of fun.  After I throw myself a pity party and pray, you can have that fish spit me out right on Nineveh's doorstep.  Yeah, that would be great.  Then I'll preach to Nineveh,throw a fit over a worm and a vine, and never have my own personal story resolved.

God: I love you, kid, but you have issues. 

*********************************************
God: Son?

Jesus: Yes, Father?

God: You know what I'm going to say.

Jesus: Yes, I do.  This whole Trinity thing is pretty awesome.

God: It is, isn't it.  Anyway, You know what has to be done.

Jesus: Yes.  I do.  I know You will not take this cup from me.

God: And You understand why.

Jesus: I've always understood why.  Love.  We love these rebellious, sinful, stiff-necked people.

God: Oh, yes, we love them so, my Son.

Jesus: I trust you, but it doesn't make sense, does it, Father?  It doesn't make sense for the Holy God to love the people in this fallen world so much that we would die for them.  Yet I know that we do.  I know that we will do whatever it takes to redeem them.

God: Love is ridiculous, Son. 

Jesus:  I know, Father.  I know.

God: Trust me.

Jesus: I do, Father.  And I will obey.

*********************************************


God: Ruth.

Me: Yes, Lord.

God: Why are you crying?

Me: The past is coming to haunt me again.  I'm reminded of the years of trusting and waiting.  I'm reminded of those well-meaning friends who deeply hurt me when they called me ridiculous.  I can't stop listening to these reminders.

God: Well, remind yourself of what is true.

Me: True or False: I'm worthless.  True.

God: Yes, but always remember that my worth confounds your worthlessness.  I love you, I want you, I have a purpose for you, and that's far better than vainly trying to attain worth in your own effort.

Me: True or False: I take myself too seriously. Also true.

God: You care too much about what others think of you, and they don't truly have any power over you.  I'm the One who is defending you.  Trust me.

Me: True or False: I'm ridiculous.  It's true, isn't it?

God: Yes, my dear child, you are absolutely crazy ridiculous.  It doesn't make any worldly sense for you to keep waiting and trusting, doing what I've given you to do, when you have seen no results and been hurt in the effort.  But if you were striving in your own power instead of Mine, you wouldn't have the strength to keep going.  Take courage in that.  And remember, I love you ridiculously.  If anyone hates you, remember that they hated me first.

Me: True or False: Satan is behind this attack on me right now.  I think that's false.

God: You're right.  He's just in the forefront.  He planned this attack on you and carried it out, but he didn't suspect that I've been behind it all along, working to bring good out of what he intended for evil.  He really should suspect it, too.  I've been bringing good out of what he intended for evil ever since he got Eve to eat the fruit.  I'm in control.  That's why you can trust me, even if what you're doing seems ridiculous.

Me: Thank you, Father.

God: Rest now.  Wait.  And just trust me, kid.

Sunday Update: While We're Waiting

"I want my daddy to come back!"

In my line of work, I hear something similar to this phrase about 100 times a week.  My knee jerk response is, "Believe me, kid, I want your daddy to come back, too!" 

But when the kid is old enough to be reasoned with, I eventually try to explain the situation to the child.  "Your daddy always comes back.  Your daddy loves you.  Why don't you find something to do while you're waiting for your daddy to come back, and that will make the time go by faster.  Plus, you might have some fun."

The kid doesn't always get it.  That's because kids want what they want when they want it.  And adults are pretty much exactly the same way.

I've shared on here before that when I was a teenager, I spent a lot of sleepless nights staring up at the ceiling, pleading with God to show me His will for my life.  I wanted a "holy lightning bolt" showing me some career path to take.  I was willing to do anything, but I just wanted to know what it was.  But I really wasn't willing to do anything.  I wasn't willing to wait.  And God knew that.  And God knows that I still struggle with wanting to know every detail of everything I do before I do it.  That's why He still makes me wait.  That's why He only lets me know what He wants me to do one step at a time.  He wants me to trust Him.

And I wish I had figured this out in my teenage years, but God's already shown us what He expects from us.  We don't need a "holy lightning bolt.  God's already told us what He expects from us.  My favorite example of ths is: "He has shown you, O man, what is good.  And what does the Lord require of you? But to act justly, love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." --Micah 6:8. 

There's a great song I'm hearing on the radio these days.  "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller.  The song is honest, talking about the pain of waiting for God to move.  But it's also hopeful.  While we're waiting, we can worship.  We can serve where we are in what we're doing.

Sometimes we're in such a hurry to get on to the next thing.  We're always preparing for something, and sometimes we miss the moment we're living in.  It's even more of a temptation to do that when what we're going through is painful.  I don't think most people like to try to figure out why God's allowing us to go through a painful situation or what He wants to teach us through it.  We're always too busy trying to get away from the pain.

I went through over five years of a season of Spiritual winter.  There was little growth; I mainly just stayed in a period of frozen cold, waiting for spring to thaw me out again.  I spent a lot of time whining for my Father to come and get me out of it.  I even spent some part of that wondering if God was ever going to get me out of it.  But even in the midst of it all, I knew God had a reason for it.  I knew there was a purpose for the waiting.  I don't know how well I worshipped in the waiting or served in the waiting, but I knew God was holding on to me.  I rarely doubted that.

And there's another great song I'm hearing a lot.  It's by a band called "For King and Country" and it's called "Busted Heart."  The song speaks of a winter season, of our helplessness and brokenness, of knowing God is holding on to us, that in His time He's going to meet us right where we are.  And I can sing that from the other side of the winter season, knowing that God did hold on to me, knowing that He did love me, that He did come back to get me, knowing there was a reason for the winter.

The pride.  The anger.  The believing that I could somehow save myself.  These things started to fade away in the midst of my helplessness.  I still have a lot of pride.  I still have a lot of anger.  I still have to be reminded a lot that I am needy.  But when spring came again, I started growing again.  And I realized a lot of what I went through was preparing me for this time in my life.  I needed to realize the depths of my depravity before I could move on in the full grace of God. 

I still have a little bit of waiting to do, but everything seems to be screaming at me NOW!  Now is the time to step out in faith and see what happens.  Now is the time to realize that when we're faithful to do the little things we know we're supposed to do (act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with our God, etc.), God will reveal more to us.  And I've got a lot of work to do. 

I still fail sometimes.  I did this week.  Remember David when he committed adultery with Bathsheba?  Remember when she became pregnant?  Remember when he tried to deceive her husband by trying to get him to come home and sleep with her so that he'd think the child was his?  Remember when the anointed King, the man after God's own heart resorted to murder to cover his own tracks?  What was his first sin?  He was supposed to be at war, and instead, he stayed home in Jerusalem.  He wasn't doing what he was supposed to be doing, and part of the consequences for that inaction was a deeper path of sin.  While I've not committed adultery or killed anyone, I'm still just as guilty.  I can understand how one sin of inaction can lead to a path of sin.  And I've had to seek forgiveness this week for being prideful, for seeking my own ways instead of serving and worshipping and working while I'm waiting for God to move.

But when we confess our sin, God really is faithful to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).  It's hard to understand that in the midst of a winter season, when sometimes we're caught in cycles of sin and confession, of addiction and confusion, of wondering if God is ever going to come save us from ourselves.  But because of what I went through in the dark times, it was relatively easy to humble myself, to come to God and seek the forgiveness He is faithful to give.  It's because I know He loves me.  I know He's coming to get me.  Even when I'm a brat. 

He's holding on to us because His grasp is greater than our attempts to free ourselves from His grasp.  I don't know exactly what's going to happen in the next few weeks, but I'm excited.  I'm hopeful.  I'm expectant.  I don't need to know everything that's going to happen.  I just trust.  I just obey. 

It's because I know my Daddy loves me, and He's going to come through. 

Filtered Through Grace

You may remember the birthday par-tay I wrote about in my last post.  I needed that particular birthday par-tay to be over in time for me to be out the door at 4:15 so I could make it to my church choir practice at 4:30.  I discussed this with Miss Stefanie before agreeing to take the birthday par-tay gig.  She assured me they knew they were supposed to be completely done at 4:15, and that I would be able to leave on time. 

The birthday party (sorry, I couldn't pull of the par-tay thing anymore) didn't end until 4:25.  I practically pushed the family out the door at 4:30. 

And I was ticked off.  Not at Miss Stefanie, but at the situation.  And I'm making a public apology to Miss Stefanie right now, because while I didn't blame her for the incident, I did send her a not-nice text right after the party assuring her that I would NOT be doing any more birthday parties.  Basically, I was a jerk.

Sorry, Miss Stefanie.  You rock.  ...and I'm still not doing anymore birthday parties, but this time I'm not saying it in my "angry voice." 

But Sunday afternoon, as I was driving, already late for choir practice, I remember seething about the whole situation.  "I'm late!" I told myself.  "The people having the party made me late!  I agreed to be somewhere else right now, and I had to break a commitment!"  Really, it wasn't that big of a deal at all that I showed up 15 minutes late to choir practice, but I felt I had to be justifiably angry about something.  So I picked the whole "breaking a commitment thing" because it sounded nice and righteous.  Never you mind that I'm often about 5 minutes late just because I have trouble leaving my apartment on time....

Then yesterday, I really wanted to go running.  My foot was hurting over the weekend, and so I had decided to rest it until last night.  Then last night I was going to start training for my 10K (which is a month from today--yikes!).  It was all gonna work out.  I wasn't supposed to work last night--I was just "on call" because the mom I work for was "on call."  And she hardly ever gets called in.  But she did.  So I did, too.

And the dad was supposed to be home in time for me to meet with my running group, but then he wasn't.  That wasn't his fault and I didn't blame him.  It was just that by the time I got off it was too late to meet my running group, and in fact, it was too dark to go run at all.

So I went home with full intentions to get on my elliptical and at least get some exercise.  Instead, I threw myself a minor cranky-pants party and ate a few handfuls of candy corn. 

I was pouting.  I was pouting because things didn't go my way again.  And, once again, it was something good that I wanted to do that another obligation prevented me from doing. 

And after several minutes of being a cranky-pants, I finally started talking to God.  Only I wasn't being very nice about the whole thing.  The gist of my prayer was, "God, the stuff I'm wanting to do is good stuff.  I wanted to run and start training for that 10K, and I need to do it.  You know I need to do it.  Why would You allow that to be prevented from happening?  This is like the other night when I wanted to be on time for choir practice, and You allowed that to be prevented, too.  What's up with that?"

God  responded, "Oh, so you're asking me now?  I was wondering if you were ever going to get around to that.  Yes, I allowed this.  I allowed it because you obviously have something to learn from it."

Ouch.

It's been a slow, sometimes painful lesson, but God is gradually teaching me that every single thing that comes my way is filtered through grace.  I've said that before on here, and I'll probably say it again.  I'm repetitive because that's how I learn.  Through repetition.  As God's repeating these lessons and themes in my life, they're bound to come up again and again in my blogging. 

Everything that comes my way is something God allows.  As hard as it is for me to trust, this is a difficult concept to wrap my brain around.  If everything seems to be going well, God allows that.  If a kid gets snot all over my sweater, while I'm pleading, "Let's not snot Miss Ruth's sweater, please," God allows that.  If my brakes start making squeaky noises that lead me to assume I've got even MORE work that needs to be done on my car, God allows that.  If hectic life situations prevent me from doing something noble that I really want to do, God allows that.  And if God allows it, then God will provide grace to get through it, one way or another. 

Please don't think I'm making light of life.  I know the examples I listed above might seem really trite and unimportant.  Getting snot on my sweater isn't a huge deal.  Needing new brakes on my car is a little bit bigger of a deal.  But I have no idea what my readers are going through.  You might be experiencing a tremendous heartache that doesn't make sense.  You might have lost a loved one.  You might have found out someone you love has cancer.  You might be suffering through another month of unemployment and financial difficulty.  You might be struggling with addictions, with anger, with rejection, with fear.

I don't know what you're going through.  But I know that God is near to the brokenhearted.  And I know that His grace is sufficient.  God may or may not have caused whatever issues you're dealing with.  Sometimes our pain is the result of our own sin; sometimes it's the result of someone else's sin.  Sometimes life just stinks.  Whether or not God has caused our pain and problems, He has allowed these things in our lives.  Sometimes that's to teach us something; sometimes that's just to bring us closer to what we really need in Him.  Honestly, I don't know all the reasons why we have to struggle.

But I firmly believe there is mercy in those struggles.  If He's allowed them, He will provide what we need to get through them.  It might not be what we expect or desire, but provision will be there.

Everything we encounter is filtered through grace.  And lately, the small inconveniences in my life have been opportunities to trust God.  They've also been opportunities to love others.  And sometimes I fail and sometimes I succeed, but God is faithful to keep teaching me in the midst of all of it. 

And I still have no clue where He's leading me, but I know He's changing me.  He's preparing me for something that's probably going to take a little bit of flexibility on my part.  These little tests He's allowing are preparing me for greater challenges that I'm going to face further down the road.  I'm learning.  I'm learning to love others even when they've inconvenienced me or even drastically hurt me.  I'm learning to trust God even when I can't see rhyme or reason for what's going on in my life.  I know I'm not there yet, but right now I'm just overwhelmed that God would love me enough to work on me, to make me more into the person He wants me to be. 

Sweater snot happens.  Flat tires and bum brakes happen.  Heartbreaks happen.  Deaths happen.  Pain and problems and annoyances and outbursts and bills and illnesses and stress and struggles happen. 

There is mercy in the struggle.

Everything is filtered through grace.

Everything is an opportunity to trust God and to love others.

We can't control what other people do to us, but we can choose to love.  We can choose to trust and obey.  It's not easy, but there's grace for that, too.

Sunday Update: Enough

Yesterday, I was an absolute moron.

Last week was a brutally long week.  Then Friday, I donated blood after working 2 jobs.  I gobbled up a pack of crackers and went grocery shopping afterwards.  I didn't get to bed until midnight, and I still needed to get some things done to prepare for my long Saturday filled with jogging and work and then rushing straight to a babysitting gig.

Then I had this brilliant moronic idea.  I figured I'd get up even earlier than usual to go jog.  I'm with a group (http://www.thesecondwind.net/) that usually meets up at on Sat. morning at 7:30 to talk and pray, and then we go run/waddlejog/walk.  Well, I figured I'd just go there at 6:30 and do my jogging, then I could meet with the people and go home to get some stuff done before work.  Except, I didn't get there at 6:30 because I was tired and didn't want to get out of bed.  But I forced myself to get up, scarfed down some trail mix, sloshed some water down my throat, and started jogging at 6:45.

I planned on doing 4 miles.  It was insanely humid.  I hadn't eaten or hydrated well.  I HAD GIVEN BLOOD THE NIGHT BEFORE.  After a valiant pathetic effort, I only managed to run about 2 3/4 miles before I almost puked my guts out and almost passed out.  Neither of these things happened because I finally had common sense enough to stop trying to run, and I dragged myself back to my car.

I met with my group, went home, and showered.  I did a few things that needed to be done.  I went to work.  Rush rush rush.  My body was SCREAMING at me to rest, but I didn't listen until it was almost too late.  I started feeling slightly nauseated as I turned the lights on at work.  I knew I wasn't sick (and in danger of infecting anyone).   I was just so exhausted my body was rebelling.  The nausea got a little worse as I unlocked the front door and turned on the OPEN sign.  Then I sat down at the computer, waiting for the first child to come to the drop-in center, and suddenly I was so overwhelmed by nausea that I thought I was going to toss my trail mix all over the keyboard. 

I picked up the trash can and lowered my head over it, just in case I was going to 1) hurl, 2) faint, 3) both at the same time.  All the while I was intently praying that no parents/kids would walk through the door until the nausea passed.

Thankfully, no kids came.  The nausea did pass in just a few minutes.  But the weirdest thing happened as I lowered my head over that trash can. 

The word "enough" is something I've been thinking about a lot lately.  Earlier this week, I somehow found time to finish reading Quitter by Jon Acuff (http://www.jonacuff.com/), and he wrote about how before you can be successful with your dreams, you have to define your "enough."  And I hadn't really sat down to define it, but I'd been thinking about it all week. 

So then, when I was sitting in an office chair praying for the sweet release of death that I wasn't so tired that I would have to scramble to find someone to cover my shift, contentedness snuck up on me.  Now, I wasn't happy, because honestly, happiness and being on the verge of puking aren't really things that typically go together.  But all of the sudden I just came to the realization that while I'm broke all the time and life isn't perfect and there are still things for which I hope and dream, the life I have RIGHT NOW is enough.  If I had to live the rest of my life with things being just as they are right now, I would be content.  The jobs I have, the friends I know, my family, my church, the kids I have the AMAZING opportunity to love--these things are so much more than I deserve, and they enrich my life so much beyond what I absolutely need. 

Though I was insanely tired, yesterday ended well with babysitting four fantastic kids who made me feel awesome (and chatting afterwards with their incredible parents who also made me feel awesome).

Today, I've had a little time to think this through.  I'm probably still going to be thinking it through, but here's where my thoughts are headed at the moment.

There's a reason I am content, and that reason is not so I can sit basking in my contentedness.  About a year ago, God brought me out of an insanely long season of Spiritual winter.  The spring and summer have gone by quickly, and I really do believe that I'm at the beginning of autumn.  Autumn means harvest.  The spring that followed that winter was an amazing time of growth.  I don't know if others have seen it, but I know that God has radically changed my heart over the past year.  If there was that much growth, I know the harvest is probably going to be something pretty big.

I've been anticipating some big changes to come in my life, and I sense the arrival of these changes even more clearly right now.  Some of the changes are starting to take form, and I'm a little bit afraid because I still don't know what to do with them.  In a very small way, I feel like Moses.  I need an Aaron.  I can't do this myself.  I need to ask for help, and that's not my forte.

Also, I am typically just not one who likes change, even if it's good change.  I feel like I finally got to the point where I'm not looking for anything else to fulfill me.  What I have is enough--more than enough.  Now that I've reached that point, I am afraid that through change, I'm going to lose something that has taken a long time to be gained. 

I'm reminded that when we are faithful in small things, God is faithful to give us charge over bigger things.  That requires more work and effort and responsibility.  I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to handle the tasks that God's given me to do.

But yesterday, in the midst of everything else He showed me, God reminded me of my weakness.  I was hovering over a trash can, completely at the mercy of my own exhausted body. 

'Cause see, I'm a moron.  In fact, I'm a weak moron.  But if God is giving me something to do, then He's going to work through me, and He has more than enough strength and wisdom.  One of my favorite passages of Scripture is 1 Corinthians 1:27: "...but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong...."

There's only One in whom I can boast.  He will provide for what I need when I need it, and I have to trust that.  I have to trust Him. 

I have a strong suspicion that will be enough.

Sunday Update: Tunnel Vision?

I've arrived at that time of the year when I just want to run around in circles screaming, "I NEED A ROUTINE OR I'M GOING TO PUNCH THE CALENDAR IN THE FACE!"  I'm well aware of the fact that my calendar doesn't really have a face--well, actually, it does.  It has lots of them.  It has faces of cute snuggly kitty cats, and I seriously doubt I could ever bring myself to really punch their furry faces, even if they're just printed on shiny paper.  Come to think of it, since they are just printed on shiny paper, punching them would not do any good.  I'd probably just hurt myself by punching the wall behind their shiny calendar faces, so I'd be left without a routine or a...functional hand.  And since I don't have health insurance, punching walls would be a bad idea.  I like having functional hands.

But there's a light at the end of the tunnel.  At least, I think there is.  I'm hoping that I don't get to the light at the end of the tunnel just to find that it's some kind of artificial light inside another even longer tunnel.  In less than a month, I'll be on a fairly regular schedule with the majority of my jobs.  I'll have to be up and ready at about the same time every morning--with the exception of Saturday, when I get to sleep in a whole hour (or use the extra time to go for a run.  I'm trying to make exercise a priority again, because this summer killed all my discipline, or at least knocked it down and stole its lunch money).  While I'm greatly looking forward to a routine, I'm hoping that something doesn't happen to mess it all up. 

I'm not trying to be a pessimist.  It's just that in the past week, I've had scheduling conflicts, and I already know there is another to come  One of these days, I might find some way of being in two places at once, but at this stage of my life, I am still unable to break the laws of physics.  I have managed to bend them slightly, but that's not going to help me when I'm scheduled to be at two different jobs in two different places at the same time. 

So I'm facing a problem where I'm going to have to let someone down, and that just makes me feel irresponsible.  And while I'm not sure how this particular sheduling conflict happened, I know there's no one to blame except for myself because I have tried to do too many things at once.  I'm just hoping that it's a one time thing, that once all the craziness of starting new schedules dies down into a comfortable routine, I'll be able to handle all of it without having to be two places at once.

But even if all of that works out, I've done some basic budgeting, and I've come to the conclusion that once I do reach the end of this routineless, undisciplined tunnel in which I am currently living, I might find that the light has been shut off.  It's hard to imagine that even with working 4 jobs, I"ll be struggling every month to make ends meet, but that's reality.  I'm not trying to be a pessimist, but if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm a hard core realist.  And the reality is, unless I've overlooked something, I'm not gonna have a lot of grocery money in the next few months.  The light at the end of the tunnel isn't going to work too well if I can't pay my utility bills.  I'm 100% sure it's all going to work out.  I'm 100% sure God is going to provide for me in one way or another.  There's not even a fraction of a percentage that doesn't know that deep down.  I'm just a coward because I don't like having things hard.  And it's probably going to be hard because trust is hard, and discipline is hard, but God loves me too much to just make everything easy as I am sometimes dumb enough to ask Him to do for me. 

But walking down a tunnel is not easy.  Sometimes the tunnel is dark and you can't see anything.  So you just have to trust, taking one step at a time, trusting that it's going to lead somewhere good--trusting the One who's guiding, even in the times when you can't sense Him there.  Sometimes you can see light at the end, but you don't know if it's the light that means hope and daylight, or if it's the kind of scary unknown light that makes you want to shout out, "NO!  Don't go towards the light!  DON'T GO TOWARDS THE LIGHT!" 

Sometimes, I'm really a lot happier in the darkness of my tunnel.  It's nice and quiet and safe.  It takes guts to walk towards the light, not knowing where it'll lead.  I've had a great, restful summer, but the wind is starting to change.  I'm no longer feeling restful.  I'm feeling restless.  There's lots work to be done, and not all of it has to do with the 4+ jobs I'll be juggling.  I need to embrace discipline once again--physically and spiritually--even if it means patiently nursing it back to health.  I need to dream again and not wallow in self-pity that has little basis in real-life.  I need to take a step forward, even if I can't see what's ahead.  I'm tired of not doing things just because I don't know how to do them.  Sometimes, you just have to do something and see what happens.

I guess that means I'm walking towards the light...as soon as I have time to breathe!!!

MONDAY Update: Courage

I'm not really sure if my main problem is that I'm too smart, or if I'm not smart enough.  Most of the time, I'm going to lean towards the latter.  I mean, I'm no idiot, but I lack a lot of common sense that could really come in handy from time to time.  I often figure I should at least be smart enough to know when to shut up, to know when and how to use tact, to know how to look like I'm interested, when I, in fact, am not. 

The thing I really can't figure out is why a lot of people have said that I'm hard to get to know.  I guess it could be that I'm shy around strangers, but the thing with me is, what you see is usually what you get.  I've learned how to employ small bits of professionalism--even some tact here and there, but I really just don't know how to be fake.  I've tried it a few times, because fake people usually do better in this world for whatever reason, but I can't do it.  And you know, I really think it would be a tragedy if I were able to accomplish fakeness.  I don't like fakeness.  I don't know why anyone does.

But then there are times when it would be nice if I could pretend to be something I'm not.  It would be nice to appear confident when I'm really not that confident at all.  It would be nice to appear to have it all together, when the truth is, I almost never do.  It would be nice if I could fool myself into believing that other people's opinions don't matter to me.  But I'm not smart enough to be able to get past what other people think.

And I had a moment the other day when I really let something that someone said get to me.  I got discouraged.  And it made me start thinking about courage.  Maybe it's this way for most people, or maybe I'm more prone to it since I am emotionally transparent, but it really doesn't take much at all for me to get discouraged.  One perceived discouraging comment can send me into the depths of despair.  On the other hand, one encouraging comment can send me soaring.  Maybe it's because I'm a writer (we're weird like that), but that's just how I am. 

But thinking along those lines only made me more discouraged.  I like root words.  At the root of "discourage" and "encourage" is "courage."  To discourage is to take courage away.  To encourage is to give courage to.  And I couldn't help but feel really unstable if my courage could be given and taken away so easily.

I flip flop back and forth so often in my emotions.  One day I feel strong.  The next day I feel weak.  Some days I feel ready to take on the publishing world, and other days I just want to give up and stop trying.  Lately I've just felt so defeated.  I read all the verses in Scripture about being strong and courageous--and I just wonder what's wrong with me that I can't muster up strength and courage.

So I wrestled with that a little over the weekend.  Finally, I just took my concerns straight to God.  "I'm not able.  I'm not courageous.  I'm not strong.  I'm weak."

I'm not sure how Kosher it would be to state the overall impression I got from the Holy Spirit's response, but my closest interpretation of His response to the confession of my weakness was:

"DUH."

Those times when I feel strong--they're illusions.  I'm not strong.  I am weak.  All the time.  Even when I feel my strongest and most confident, I'm still completely reliant on God.  Apart from Him, I can do nothing.  The flip side to that, however, is that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  I just get it backwards and think I have to be strong before I can actually be strong.  That's just not true.  Never was.  I just like the idea of having control, when the basic reality is, I don't have any.

So my trouble is not that I'm too weak or too cowardly.

My trouble is, I'm too smart.

I really like the movie "Rudy" and I like the character of Rudy.  If you don't know about Rudy because you have lived under a rock your whole life, Rudy was a boy who wanted nothing more than to play football for Notre Dame.  But his grades and athletic skill were sub par.  Still, he persevered and was able to be on the team and play in one game.

I admired Rudy's tenacity and perseverance.  But what I really appreciated about Rudy is that he was simply too dumb to know that he couldn't possibly succeed in attaining his dreams.  He was too dumb to know any better, so he tried anyway.  He tried hard, knocking himself out and facing all sorts of persecution, not even realizing that it was impossible for him to succeed.  And you know what?  He actually succeeded.

The odds against anyone finding a literary agent and becoming a published author are ridiculously slim.  I think that's why a lot of people are turning to self-publishing--not that there's anything wrong with it.  For some people, it's a great option.  But I've had a dream of being a traditionally published author.  I've had it for years.  Self-publishing, to me, seems like a short cut--an easy way into a business that simply shouldn't be easy to get into.  And I'm smart enough to realize that getting traditionally published is a hard thing to accomplish.  Maybe it's even impossible. 

So I keep talking myself out of trying.  If I weren't too smart, maybe I would try because I didn't know any better...but, I am too smart.


And, on the other hand, I'm also too dumb. 

If I don't have control, and since I know I don't have control, it would make logical sense to turn to one who does have control.  God has proven Himself to be faithful.  God has proven Himself to be loving.  God has proven Himself to be good.  God has proven Himself to be able.  God has proven Himself to be strong.  I don't, at least on the surface, doubt these things.  So if I believe all these things about God are true, it should be easy--ridiculously easy--to trust Him.

Trusting Him should give me all the courage I need to try just about anything.  Whether I succeed or fail, I still have what is most important in Him.  And that should give me more courage to keep trying, because ultimately I have nothing to lose.

But I am not smart enough to trust Him.  At least not completely.  I fear the opinions of others.  I fear failure.  I fear so much because I'm not smart enough to trust.

So I guess I'm back to where I started.  I'm not sure if I'm too smart or too dumb.  I figure I'll still be working this one out for a while.