SEW Sunday: Help

(SEW Sundays are where I rant about discuss what's going on with the queries I am SENDING to agents, my EDITING, and my WRITING.)


So my Boot Camp week went very well in some ways.  I stuck closer to my diet than I originally intended...and if I exercise tonight the way I plan, I'll have burned 2500 calories in exercise-related activities this week.  Sure, some crazy people burn that much in one workout, but 1) I don't have that much time, and 2) I'm a pansy.  I've not lost all the weight that I gained back, but I'm not particularly worried about it.  I'll get there.

And why am I talking about weight loss and exercise and calories when I'm supposed to be talking about queries and editing and writing?  Because I'm avoiding the truth that I've done like nothing in that area this week.  Nada. 

And I'm not particularly ashamed of myself.  This week, as most weeks do, turned out busier than I anticipated.  Sure, I wasted some of the free time I did have.  I'm still trying to kick a little of my apathy.  Or maybe it's not apathy so much as it's fear. 

One really good thing in my writing world did happen this week.  On Friday, I went out to lunch with a fellow novelist who is trying to sell her books.  (You can read her funny funny blog here...and be sure to subscribe to it, because you'll want to keep reading!).  She's a lot further than I am in the process, so it was helpful to get to chat with her and glean a little from her experiences.  I have a feeling I'm going to be asking her a lot of questions as I continue my own journey into the insanity of trying to get published.  She wants to read my first book, so I need to do another run-through/edit and make sure it's ready by Sunday.  That gives me a deadline.  Someone like me NEEDS deadlines sometimes.  ...okay...MOST of the time.  And hopefully she can help me with my synopsis, because I'm pretty much like a lost puppy when it comes to that thing. 

What I'm about to say might sound like another excuse and/or cop-out, and maybe it is another excuse and/or cop-out.  I am starting to realize that while, YES, I should be working towards my goals a lot harder than I am, maybe taking my time in this matter is not a bad thing.  I mean, my life's dream is to be a published writer (preferably a best-selling one...with a Newbery medal...but right now I'd settle for a foot in the door).  I can't afford to rush into things too much.  Yes, there's something to be said for taking chances and risks.  Sometimes that works out for some people, but I don't think it's the norm.  And honestly, it's not my style.

I think my book is good.  I also think the other two books I've completed are good (though I need to get my act together and start seriously editing them).  The writing and editing process was hard, and I didn't always know what I was doing, but eventually I learned.  And I'm still learning.  But now I have to learn how to make someone else interested enough in my books to want to try to help me sell them.  And that's the hardest step yet.  Even after all the research I've done, I don't really know what I"m doing.  I need help.  And right now, I feel as though the Lord is leading me to seek that help. 

Unfortunately, this means more waiting.  The thing is, while I'm waiting, I can't afford to keep being idle.  There is editing to be done on projects that aren't ready to be sold.  Even if I HATE my synopsis and need help with it, I can still work on it.  I can research agents. 

Turns out, writing is just like everything else in life.  I've got to learn to balance faith and deeds.  I know I'm not the one in control.  I'm not the one directing my own steps.  And I don't always know exactly what step is coming next.  I like to know what step to take next.  If I had my way, the entire course of this would be plotted out for me so that I could see what I need to do and right when I need to do it.  God knows this. 

God doesn't give me what I want.  He does, however, give me everything that I need.  So I can't see what's going to happen or when it's going to happen.  Sometimes He waits till the last minute to show me what to do, and sometimes He doesn't show me what action I'm supposed to take at all--and I just have to walk in faith and trust that He's not going to lead me astray.  And right now, as always, I know the basic things I should be doing.  In life, it's reading His word, following His commands, seeking His face, showing love to others.  Even when we don't know what we're supposed to do in the grand scheme of life, we know the little things we should be doing from day to day.  In writing, I know I should be working on different things, even if I don't know all the little details of what I need to do next. 

So I guess that my prayer for this week is that I'll JUST DO SOMETHING and trust the Lord while I'm doing it.  And if life gets in the way (as it often does), I won't allow myself to feel bad about those things.  Because while I'm working waiting for this writing stuff to happen, there's a lot of life to live. 

SEW Sunday: Priorities...and Being Afraid

Gonna come right out and say that I'm calling it quits (for now) on my current writing project.  It was sick and dying from the beginning, and just gradually got sicker and sicker.  It tried fighting for life there at the end, but then it died to death.  And I just don't have time to try to pick up the pieces and try to salvage anything from it right now.

And I have stuff I REALLY should be doing in regards to preparing queries.  I have more than enough projects that require massive amounts of editing.  Writing new stuff just seems kind of silly at the moment.

After going out of town last weekend, I have had a killer time trying to get back on track.  I feel as though I really didn't even get a break, and I guess that's okay.  I've been trying to learn how to live life as it comes...because like it or not, it's not just going to pause for me to get my act together.  And lately I've been a lot more scatterbrained than usual.  I've been forgetting events and telling people I can do things when I've already told other people I can do other things at the same time.  Ugh.

My preschool job ends next week (for the summer), and while I'm going to miss "my" kids SOOOOO much, I'm actually looking forward to only having two jobs for a while.  Part of me wants to consider looking for just one full time job after this summer--but I'm not actually considering it yet.  I'm just considering considering it.  If that makes sense.  If it doesn't make sense, don't worry.  My life doesn't make too much sense at the moment...

I have got to learn to prioritize.  That's why the current writing project is getting nixed (for now--maybe for always.  Who knows?).  I've been saying, "Oh, I have to get this synopsis done.  I've got to send out queries."  I haven't done that.  I haven't done it--not because I don't HAVE the time, but because I haven't MADE the time to do it. 

My other priority right now?  Working on this cd idea I have.  I need to practice my guitar a lot more than I have been doing.  I need to buck up the courage to actually call and/or email the guy at my church about the possibilty of recording the cd.  I need to coordinate time with my roommate (who is an amazing violinist) to work on some violin harmonies for some of my songs.  I need to.  I need to.  I need to.

I need to make this cd happen.

It amazes me how God is showing me that it's the right time to do this.  I have wanted to put out a cd for such a long time.  I've never felt good/strong/courageous/talented/cool enough to do such a thing.  In the past few weeks, so many random people have told me that they love my voice.  So many people have encouraged me.  It's not even my voice that I want to get out there.  As Mitch McVicker (an uber talented Christian musician and super nice guy) has said, and I paraphrase, "The world doesn't need more Christian music or Christian musicians.  But the world needs truth, and I've been given this to do.  I'm just trying to be faithful with what I've been given." 

That's kind of how I'm thinking.  It's not that I have anything brilliant to say, but the fact is, I've said it anyway.  I've put words down to music.  But they're not doing a bit of good at the moment.  I'm tired of keeping all these songs and all these words hoarded up inside the four walls of my room.  While there's nothing new under the sun, I still think there's something worthwhile in sharing something that God's given me.  And if I donate a portion (or all) of the proceeds from the sales of this cd, then there's something worthwhile in that, too. 

Here's the problem.

I'm such a scared little kid.  I have given up on the idea that that's ever going to change.  For a while, I could pretend.  I could be braver.  I could be more confident.  I could be more lovable.  I could be more interesting or suave or beautiful or whatever.  ...only, it wouldn't be who I am.  And I learned a long time ago that if I try to be something I'm not, then sooner or later (usually sooner), whatever false foundation I built under myself is going to crumble.  God won't let me pretend, and for that, I'm VERY grateful.

The truth is, I'm weak.  I am scared to death.  I like safe things that I understand, like work and routine.  I don't like stepping out in faith and doing things when I don't know how to do them and when I don't know what's going to happen.  What am I really afraid of?  That people are going to look down on me.  That people are going to see me for what I am.  That my slip is going to show, and the whole facade of beauty and "put-togetherness" and strong, confident woman (HEAR ME ROAR) is going to crumble. 

But I'm already weak.  And I'm not more lovable.  I'm not more confident.  I'm not more "put together."  I know I keep repeating myself on this, but it's something that takes awhile to get through my head.  And I think other people need it, too.  So I'll keep repeating it:

The only hope for a weak fool like me is that God delights in using the weak and foolish to shame the strong and wise.  And I am not going to be more lovable or beautiful, but that's okay.  Because God's love is so much more powerful than my unlovableness.

I fear man instead of God.  God knows it, and that's one of the reasons He's really encouraging me to do step out and do this scary cd thing right now.  Quite honestly, I'm terrified, because it's a big deal to me to do something like this--just like the query letters terrify me.  But I'm getting to that remarkable point where I'm more terrified of disobeying God and missing out on what He has for me than of the things that terrify me.

...and the thing is, I'm still learning just how to be afraid...

SEW Sunday: Editing As Death and Rebirth

So, I've come to the conclusion that one of the main reasons I kind of mentally, emotionally, and in all other ways shut down on trying to find a literary agent in February was because I didn't want to do something that I knew (in the back of my mind) really needed to be done.  I fought against it for a while, then just decided I would sweep it under the rug and not think about it. 

Last week, I mentioned that I reread my first book and LOVED it, but I knew there needed to be one DRASTIC change.  That change has been made, which was hard for me, but it wasn't as hard as I thought.

I killed my prologue.

It's a YA fantasy, this book.  For the past DECADE that I've been working on it, it has always had a prologue.  I've always imagined it with a prologue.  The prologue was an integral part, not only of the story, but also of my image of what my introduction to the realm of being published author would look like.  I wanted the first thing people read by A. R. Campbell to be THAT prologue.  The first two words of that prologue were the first two words I wanted for my book...sigh...

But people, particularly agents, seem to not like prologues anymore.  I read more than one anti-prologue blog from agents I respect.  I'd read other agent interviews where other agents I respect discussed their hatred of prologues.  Agents know (at least a lot better than most people) what readers and publishers like.  Apparently, readers and publishers don't like prologues, either.  And I could see how I could easily incorporate my prologue into my story.  It wasn't that I didn't want to do the actual work (although, let's face it, I hate work).  My problem was that I didn't want to kill my prologue...because I loved it.

So it took me three months of pouting to finally get to the point where I was ready.  Friday, I had a day off.  I went out for a run.  I did some shopping.  I did some cleaning.  I delayed and delayed the inevitable.  Then I finally sat down at my computer and did the necessary editing, the necessary changes.

And I deleted the first three pages of my book.  The pages with the prologue.

I wish I hadn't pouted for so long, because as it turns out, I was able to reproduce much of the prologue, verbatim, within the structure of the story.  The prologue died, yes, but it was reborn into something that actually made more sense within the plot.  I had to tweak a few things.  There are still some things I will have to check and double-check (editing is hard, yo).  But, for the most part, it's done.  And my book is better for it.

The prologue is dead.  I mourn it, but all is not lost.

Okay, so that sounded REALLY dramatic and cheesy, but what do you expect?  I'm a writer....

As for writing, I'm still working on my current project.  I still don't like it, but I think I've made a small breakthrough in what I want to do with it all.  Some of my test readers are encouraging me to continue, so I'm trying to appease them, but I have to admit I'm really tempted to just shut the project down for a while and concentrate on the querying and editing aspects of my writing.

I still have a lot to do before I'm ready to start sending queries again.  I need to do some more agent research.  I need to perfect a synopsis.  I need to write and edit some outlines.  I also need to do some minor edits to the actual story.

I also want to start seriously working on a musical project--a collection of songs.  I'm not sure how well that's going to work, but I think it's worth a shot right now.

And then there's another rough draft of a project that I want to eventually try to sell.  It needs serious editing, and now I think I've distanced myself from it enough to be ready for that editing. 

Honestly, I hate hate hate editing.  It makes me see what isn't good about what I've done and forces me to destroy my previous work, some of which took me a LONG time to develop.  I've made an investment in these things that I once thought were amazing, only to find that they often don't even pass the level of mediocrity.  So I have to destroy what I once built, only to try to build it up better the second time.  Then the third time.  Then the fourth time.  As long as it takes...

Being a writer has given me some small glimpses into what it must be like to be God.  Only I'm not as patient as He is.  How many times has He had to tear us down so that He could rebuild us?  Only it's not His fault we're imperfect...we're the ones who mess up our own lives...because we try to be what we can't be.  We try to be Him.

I can't be God.  I can just be a writer, and editing forces me to realize that I'm just not as brilliant as I sometimes imagine myself to be.  As discouraging as all that sounds, I have to say that I really have been encouraged this week.  I've been reminded about how much I really do love my life and the opportunities God has given me.  I know that He's in control, so I really don't have anything to fear. 

There's still a lot of work to be done, but I've got to be honest--getting rid of my prologue was a HUGE step in this journey towards getting published.  It's gotten me back on track to do the things that I know I still need to do.  I'm not there yet, but I know where I want to go.

Now I just have to do the work it will take me to get there. 

Have I mentioned that I'm really glad I'm not God.  I mean, seriously.  I would have forgotten to make gravity, and then where would we all be?  But He's the Author AND the Perfecter.  When I really thing about it, I have nothing to fear.

...hee hee.  Bion is going to be working overtime.

Thoughts on Traditional VS. Self-Publishing

In the past few weeks, I've had some loving and well-meaning friends and family show me this article (or a similiar article) about a 26-yr-old named Amanda Hocking who has done extremely well self-publishing her books for Kindle. The article can be found by clicking here.

While I am happy for Amanda Hocking and her amazing success, I'm reluctant to just jump on the self-publishing bandwagon. As a person who has attended Southern Baptist churches all her life (and gone to three private Southern Baptist learning institutions), maybe one would think that I've just got a very Baptist mentality about everything, including publishing. "We've never done it THAT way before...." Only I have never really considered myself Baptist (I consider myself Christian and leave it at that--if you want to know more of what I believe, ask questions--don't rely on labels that often have very little truth). I try to keep an open mind to new things, and one would have to be pretty blind not to realize that the world is changing at a lightning fast pace.

There have been rumors and articles and such about the possibility of traditional publishing disappearing as self-publishing starts to become more popular. If one were to take the success of Amanda Hocking as the new norm, then the eventual closure of all traditional publishing houses would be a logical conclusion to make. However, Amanda Hocking's success is very much the exception and not the norm. This is why I grit my teeth and bite my tongue when well-meaning friends/family try to suggest self-publishing as an option for me. I KNOW they don't mean it in this way, but seriously. Every time someone suggests I try self-publishing, what that says to me is that they don't believe I can make it traditionally. They're saying to me that they think I'll have to self-publish because no one else will want me. While I know that's not really what they're saying, I wish people would think about how they might come across.

Personally, I'm just not going to feel like a published author if I don't see my book IN PRINT and ON SHELVES. I just don't think that having digital versions of my books floating around on Kindles and Nooks is going to feel the same. When reading books, I would much prefer to have the actual book in my hand. There's the feel of the book--the weight of it in my hands, the experience of actually getting to turn the pages. There's the smell of the paper and ink. There's the sound of the pages turning. All of these are experiences I love when reading a book, and scrolling down a screen just wouldn't be the same. According to this recent article, I'm not the only one who prefers actual books over a digital reader. I don't think traditional publishing is dying at all. Self-publishing may or may not be a fad. It may or may not be taking over the publishing world. But I don't think self-publishing is the same thing as traditional publishing. Traditional publishing involves more than just you (it involves people who know what they're doing and who know the publishing business), which, in my opinion, makes it more valid. If you think your writing is good, then it might be...or it might just be you. If an agent and editor think your writing is good, then yeah...it's probably good.

I am NOT trying to say that self-publishing isn't real publishing. What I will say is that there are times when it CAN be fake publishing. Amanda Hocking and others like her have proven that self-publishing can be a legitimate method of getting one's writing out to the world. She's built a strong online presence and has gathered a following. I applaud her for being able to do that. I'm actually a little bit jealous. With that being said, for every Amanda Hocking out there, there are probably about a gazillion John/Jane Does who think they can call themselves an "author" because they've self-published pages full of crappy drivel. I'm sure there are several good self-published writers out there who have put in a lot of time and effort editing and polishing their work before publishing it. I'm also sure there are several bad self-published writers who have not.

I don't have a problem with self-publishing in general. I have a problem with how easy it's become. Amanda Hocking tried traditional publishing before she attempted self-publishing. She put in the effort. It's not like she just decided "I'm going to write a book and self-publish it." She sent queries and got rejected before she went the self-publishing route--and now she's a millionaire. I have a lot of respect for her because she didn't just do things the easy way.

Now, let me also say that there's nothing wrong with self-publishing if you are just wanting to get a book out there for fun or whatever. Just please don't call yourself a "published author" in my presence unless you have some successful sale numbers to back up your claims. If you want to get something you wrote out there and have no goals of making any money or sales, then whatever. It really depends on what you want to accomplish through publishing.

I happen to have a dream of becoming a fairly successful author (and these days, a successful author can mean many different things). I don't just want to self-publish and have it done with. I want to see my name IN PRINT, my books IN PRINT, my books ON SHELVES. That's what I want. I also want an agent to represent me (because I have lousy business sense). The Amanda Hockings of the world apparently don't need agents to make a fortune and a name for themselves. I think that I do.

So I'm going to continue to try the traditional route. If the current book I'm trying to sell doesn't fly (it's my first book--first books are often dreadful), then I will look into small-time publishing NOT self-publishing. And then I'll try to seek representation for another book. Even if I go small-time on my first book (and the series that goes with it), I'm not giving up on my dream of being a successful published author.

With that being said, I have a lot of work ahead of me.

Regaining Focus

I have not sent out any queries yet. However, January is not officially over until Tuesday. And if I don't get them out by tomorrow, I DO PLAN to get them out this week (I promise, Desiree--please don't hurt me :-D). I just need to take my time and do it right instead of rushing just to make sure I meet a personal deadline. But no more mamby pamby land for me. Throw a tissue box at me and call me a "Jackwagon." I'm doing this.

I HAVE sent some fairy tale samples to a friend of mine who owns a small publishing company. We're still in the baby step stage here, but not in the eensie weensie baby step stage anymore. There's something (even if that something is very, very small) being done instead of just being talked about. I know there's still a lot to do with this. I still have to figure out the direction I have for this project while waiting for all the legal issues and other stuff that goes completely over my head to get cleared up. I still have a lot of writing and editing to do on this project, while NOT neglecting the other editing I need to do on other projects. I'd like to start sending queries for another book by May. That's scary. I'm at the point where I need to scare myself a little more...Jackwagon.

Anyway, I'm starting to read these blogs of mine, and I realize that I've lost some focus in them. It's not that I shouldn't allow myself to update my few readers on what's going on in the writing world of Ruth (that sounds like an awesome kids tv show, but I digress...), but that's really not the original intent I had for this blog. In fact, it's starting to veer towards exactly what I DID NOT want for this blog.

In the past, I had these self-centered blogs that just basically gave people a run down of my day. "Today I was happy because I had a sandwich. I ate the sandwich. Then I was sad because my sandwich was gone. I'll make another sandwich tomorrow." I mean, this blog is hopefully not that boring, but I didn't create it to give people a run-down of my day. I created it to write about my thoughts on writing. That might occasionally mean I talk about projects I have going on or goals that I'm setting, but it should be more.

I'm going to try to refocus this blog on what I originally intended: Writing about writing. Writing about what God is teaching me through writing and through life. Writing about this gift that God has given me, and that He expects me to give back to others, proclaiming His name. I know that makes a lot of people uncomfortable, and quite honestly, it probably costs me some readers when they figure out I'm one of those weird Jesus fanatics.

Shrug. I can't help it. I can't separate God from my writing. Both God and my writing are central, crucial to my life. Writing without actively acknowledging God (and pleading for His presence/guidance/Spirit in every step of the process) is impossible for me. It would be like breathing without air. It just doesn't work.

So as I regain focus in my writing life (finally, THANK GOD, I am so ready to be MYSELF again, and I'm not myself if I'm not writing), I'm going to try to regain focus with this blog.

Distractions

I did some research tonight on agents I want to query. Depending on how things go, I might send out a few queries as early as tomorrow night. I'm ready to get back into this.

I didn't do as much research as I might have done. This occupied a lot of my time tonight...

May I present the Christmas Beam (I haven't figured out how to tilt the pic upright, just turn your head sideways) :

My apartment was originally the offices for an old cotton mill store. It's over 100 years old and there's this magnificent beam right here in my living room. The first time I saw it (it was summertime) I thought, "We can decorate that for Christmas!"

So now, we don't put up a tree. My roommate and I decorate our Christmas Beam.

O Christmas Beam, O Christmas Beam, how ghetto are your electrical tape ornament holders!

Maybe tomorrow I'll stop decorating random things and actually send out some queries.

As always, prayer is appreciated!