Settling VS. Contentedness

I don't have a glamorous job.  In fact, I have three (or four, depending on how you look at it) rather unglamorous jobs.  Today, I was covered in snot, drool, tears, pee, applesauce, and Greek yogurt.  The Greek yogurt was my own doing, but the rest was the result of caring for multiple children at the same time.  Actually, the reason I spilled my own yogurt on myself was because a kid distracted me by whining obnoxiously, but I'll let that one go. 

I haven't been able to buy a new pair of running shoes because I can't afford them.  Now, I do plan on going to Walmart tomorrow and getting a very cheap pair to use until I CAN afford to go get fitted for a nice (AKA expensive) pair, but I'd really like to be able to afford something as simple as a pair of nice running shoes so I don't mess up my knees/hips/feet too much.  Other times it would be nice to not have to worry about the tires on my car or the dwindling food supply in my fridge.  It would be nice to not worry about the little what ifs that come from living from paycheck to paycheck on a very tight budget. 

Sometimes people feel the need to have discussions with me regarding what I do for a living, because they can't figure out why in the world I keep working such random hours with germy, whiny kids for such little pay and NO benefits.  Sometimes, I ask myself the same question.  I come up with a few good answers that sound like excuses, and they might even be excuses.  Like..."I don't have experience in any fields other than childcare," or "In this economy, I really should just be grateful that I have work," or "I'm just doing this until I become a wildly famous published author."  There's another answer I have for the question, "Why in the world do I keep working such random hours with germy, whiny kids for such little pay and NO benefits?"  The answer I have is kind of surprising. 

It's because I love it. 

I did get tears and snot and slobber on my shirt and in my hair today.  It was because a kid I just so happen to LOVE was crying, so I picked him up and cuddled him while he snotted all over me.  Did I appreciate the snot?  Of course not, but it didn't matter that much to me because I got snotted when I was caring for a kid I love.  I was so grateful for that opportunity.

Does it stink that I often struggle to have enough to get by?  Yes.  But let me tell you--when I walked into work this morning and had FIVE kids attack me in a wonderful group hug, that was worth more to me than any income. 

This all isn't to say that I probably shouldn't aim higher in all areas of my life--including my career (for lack of a better term).  I sometimes just don't know the difference between settling for something and being content with what I have.  I do think that there are a lot of people out there who set their expectations far too high.  For instance, I could care less about the American Dream.  The car I have has some flaws, but it's a nicer car than I ever imagined myself having.  Sometimes I feel guilty about having a car so nice--even if at the moment it needs some repair work that I can't afford.  The apartment I live in is ancient.  Most of the people that visit it call it "quaint," and it is quaint.  But I have a roof over my head--a fan to keep me cool in the summer and an electric blanket to keep me warm in the winter.  Eventually it would be nice to have a nice house of my own so I wouldn't have to keep paying rent, but I could live quite happily in something very small.  In fact, the smaller the house, the less I'd have to keep clean.  Retirement fund?  What's that?  I plan on working until I'm dead or just completely unable to work (either mentally or physically).  Health insurance?  That would be VERY nice--but unless I have some kind of freak accident or appendicitis or something, I'm doing quite well without it.  Someday I'll get it.  I think that someday will come in a few short years--after I get my student loans paid off.  I'm okay with waiting for that.

Maybe it's because I haven't experienced a lot of the stuff that a lot of Americans think they need, but I really don't have that much of a problem with the life I have.  Sometimes it would be nice to not have to worry about finances, but God has taught me so much about trust through those struggles.  Sometimes it would be nice not to want to rip my hair out because kids are driving me crazy, but God has blessed me with these wonderful kids...and I love them so much, (even despite the snot)!  I kinda sorta think I've gotten to the point that even if I do become a wildly famous published author, I still would like to work with kids in some capacity.

Eventually I might get sick of the rat race.  Eventually I might get sick of being covered in kid goo.  Right now, I just can't seem to justify complaining about it.  When I consider that the VAST majority of the world's population lives on LESS THAN $2.00 PER DAY, it kind of makes me feel grateful for the amazing things I DO have instead of worrying or getting upset over the things I don't have.  Maybe sometimes the difference between settling for something and being content with what you have is a matter of perspective.

And you know, my current financial state gives me some small motivation to keep working towards that goal of becoming a published author.  I'm pretty sure I DO need to set my expectations higher with that. 

SEW Sunday: Life

(SEW Sundays are posts where I rant about discuss what's going on with the queries I am SENDING to agents, my EDITING, and my WRITING...among other things....)

My fingers hurt.  It's not because I've been typing too much.  It's because I just spent about an hour and a half playing guitar.  I like Sunday afternoons because I usually set aside a good chunk of time just for this purpose.  I could be napping, but when I nap on Sunday afternoons, I tend to go into a mini coma and not wake up until the "wee hours" of Monday morning.  So to avoid throwing off my sleep schedule for the entire week, I play the guitar when most people take naps. 
 
I wrote music for two songs over the past month.  I'm working on the music for two more.  Originally, I was just planning on working on one musical project.  If things keep going the way they've been going, then I might have two musical projects in mind.  We'll see what happens.  I'm very excited about it--though also very scared.  That's ironic, because one of the projects I'm thinking of has to do with the theme of fear.  But I did talk briefly with a very nice man who might be able to record my project(s), and that was extremely encouraging .  There are a lot of little (and big) details to work out, but I'm confident this is going to happen. 
 
As far as the writing goes, I'm still waiting on a few things.  I traded manuscripts with a fellow writer friend today.  That's always a little scary, but in the long run I really think she's going to be able to help me progress in this "getting published" journey.  I've been stuck for so long that I really think I've needed a push.  So hopefully this is it.
 
I know I keep saying a lot of the same things over and over in these posts.  It's because I need reminders.  I need the reminders that while waiting is hard, it's part of the journey on which God is leading me.  While I'm waiting, there are a lot of things to be doing, a lot of life to be living.  What I do now as an unpublished writer is just as important as the things I will do when I become a published writer (and I'm confident that I will become one, one way or another).  I get in this mindset so many times that life isn't happening until I achieve some kind of goal or dream.  The truth is, life is right now.  Life is every day.  Life is getting out of bed in the morning and going for a run, or going to work, or just sitting down with a cup of coffee and enjoying the beauty of the world around me. 
 
Thank you if you're one of the ones who consistently reads this and consistently prays for me and this path God's given me to walk.  I know it's frustrating to have to wait for anything, and a lot of people have expressed that they really want to be able to read my books in print (most of them want free signed copies--I don't know about the free part, but I'll sign it for free, if that helps!).  I know I've said this on this blog before, but I'm going to say it again.  No matter how frustrated you are in waiting, I'm even more so.  And I've been apathetic for a while because I get so discouraged.  But I sense that apathy melting away.  I'm starting to figuratively breathe more deeply, wanting to take in as much life as possible.  And part of that means I'm going to start working towards my dreams again.  If they're God-given dreams, then they're not really in my hands, so I can't be afraid.  Not really. 
 
It's really amazing what God's doing in me right now.  It's been such a process.  I can't explain it very well--just that I'm changing.  He's being faithful to strip away a lot of things that have kept me from being as free as He's wanted me to be.  Fear is one of those things.  I'm learning.  It's still a process.  I call it the process of perfection--it will only be completed when I do move past the poor reflection in the mirror and see Him face to face.  In the meantime, there's this life He's graciously given me.

Thoughts on Traditional VS. Self-Publishing

In the past few weeks, I've had some loving and well-meaning friends and family show me this article (or a similiar article) about a 26-yr-old named Amanda Hocking who has done extremely well self-publishing her books for Kindle. The article can be found by clicking here.

While I am happy for Amanda Hocking and her amazing success, I'm reluctant to just jump on the self-publishing bandwagon. As a person who has attended Southern Baptist churches all her life (and gone to three private Southern Baptist learning institutions), maybe one would think that I've just got a very Baptist mentality about everything, including publishing. "We've never done it THAT way before...." Only I have never really considered myself Baptist (I consider myself Christian and leave it at that--if you want to know more of what I believe, ask questions--don't rely on labels that often have very little truth). I try to keep an open mind to new things, and one would have to be pretty blind not to realize that the world is changing at a lightning fast pace.

There have been rumors and articles and such about the possibility of traditional publishing disappearing as self-publishing starts to become more popular. If one were to take the success of Amanda Hocking as the new norm, then the eventual closure of all traditional publishing houses would be a logical conclusion to make. However, Amanda Hocking's success is very much the exception and not the norm. This is why I grit my teeth and bite my tongue when well-meaning friends/family try to suggest self-publishing as an option for me. I KNOW they don't mean it in this way, but seriously. Every time someone suggests I try self-publishing, what that says to me is that they don't believe I can make it traditionally. They're saying to me that they think I'll have to self-publish because no one else will want me. While I know that's not really what they're saying, I wish people would think about how they might come across.

Personally, I'm just not going to feel like a published author if I don't see my book IN PRINT and ON SHELVES. I just don't think that having digital versions of my books floating around on Kindles and Nooks is going to feel the same. When reading books, I would much prefer to have the actual book in my hand. There's the feel of the book--the weight of it in my hands, the experience of actually getting to turn the pages. There's the smell of the paper and ink. There's the sound of the pages turning. All of these are experiences I love when reading a book, and scrolling down a screen just wouldn't be the same. According to this recent article, I'm not the only one who prefers actual books over a digital reader. I don't think traditional publishing is dying at all. Self-publishing may or may not be a fad. It may or may not be taking over the publishing world. But I don't think self-publishing is the same thing as traditional publishing. Traditional publishing involves more than just you (it involves people who know what they're doing and who know the publishing business), which, in my opinion, makes it more valid. If you think your writing is good, then it might be...or it might just be you. If an agent and editor think your writing is good, then yeah...it's probably good.

I am NOT trying to say that self-publishing isn't real publishing. What I will say is that there are times when it CAN be fake publishing. Amanda Hocking and others like her have proven that self-publishing can be a legitimate method of getting one's writing out to the world. She's built a strong online presence and has gathered a following. I applaud her for being able to do that. I'm actually a little bit jealous. With that being said, for every Amanda Hocking out there, there are probably about a gazillion John/Jane Does who think they can call themselves an "author" because they've self-published pages full of crappy drivel. I'm sure there are several good self-published writers out there who have put in a lot of time and effort editing and polishing their work before publishing it. I'm also sure there are several bad self-published writers who have not.

I don't have a problem with self-publishing in general. I have a problem with how easy it's become. Amanda Hocking tried traditional publishing before she attempted self-publishing. She put in the effort. It's not like she just decided "I'm going to write a book and self-publish it." She sent queries and got rejected before she went the self-publishing route--and now she's a millionaire. I have a lot of respect for her because she didn't just do things the easy way.

Now, let me also say that there's nothing wrong with self-publishing if you are just wanting to get a book out there for fun or whatever. Just please don't call yourself a "published author" in my presence unless you have some successful sale numbers to back up your claims. If you want to get something you wrote out there and have no goals of making any money or sales, then whatever. It really depends on what you want to accomplish through publishing.

I happen to have a dream of becoming a fairly successful author (and these days, a successful author can mean many different things). I don't just want to self-publish and have it done with. I want to see my name IN PRINT, my books IN PRINT, my books ON SHELVES. That's what I want. I also want an agent to represent me (because I have lousy business sense). The Amanda Hockings of the world apparently don't need agents to make a fortune and a name for themselves. I think that I do.

So I'm going to continue to try the traditional route. If the current book I'm trying to sell doesn't fly (it's my first book--first books are often dreadful), then I will look into small-time publishing NOT self-publishing. And then I'll try to seek representation for another book. Even if I go small-time on my first book (and the series that goes with it), I'm not giving up on my dream of being a successful published author.

With that being said, I have a lot of work ahead of me.

I Want To Fly

Maybe it's not good to write a blog when I'm emotional, but here I am. It's a good kind of emotional, I think. I was just reading a blog an author had written some time ago after she got her first book deal. She posted all the different stages of insane emotions she went through those first few days after realizing that she was, in fact, an author.

And then she posted a pic of her book sitting on a shelf in a major bookstore.

And I'm just now drying the tears that exploded from my eyes at the sight of that. I want that to be my book on that shelf. I want to be that person. I want to be an author. I've wanted it for longer than I can remember.

Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I get so caught up in whatever I'm dealing with at the moment that I lose the dream--the vision. As I've realized fairly recently, this is NOT my ultimate goal, but I have to admit, I want to be a published author pretty badly.

Lately...since like December...I've been in this major funk. I've written some. I've edited some. But it's not been very much. I'm not even sure what's going on. I think I've gotten into some kind of mindset that I'm just not good enough to compete with the current market. I'm not talented enough. My writing isn't good enough. I'm not competitive enough of a person.

Really, what I seem to be saying is, "I don't want it enough."

And it's really quite funny, because just today I finished writing a very short fairy tale about a peasant who became a king just because he was too simple-minded to realize that his goal was impossible. Since he didn't know it was impossible, he tried anyway, and he succeeded, shaming noble knights and wise princes.

But I'm not like that peasant. I get too distracted by the things I think I can't do to focus on the things that I need to just do anyway.

Clearly there needs to be a change. If I'm ever going to see my book on a shelf, if I'm ever going to see my name on a book's spine, if I'm ever going to be able to call myself an author--I've gotta start trying.

Douglas Adams is one of my favorite authors. He wrote the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which is a completely nonsensical and hilarious series of books. One of my favorite sections of these books is when he talks about how to fly.

Now, he's being completely ridiculous, but I have gleaned a lot of truth from what he wrote:

"There is an art...or rather a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.... All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and the willingness not to mind that it's going to hurt. That is, it's going to hurt if you fail to miss the ground. Most people fail to miss the ground, and if they are really trying properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hard."

What do published authors have that I don't have? A lot of scars. Unless they're Stephenie Meyer, who just lucked out on her first try and created a monster (literally and figuratively...and literary-ly), published authors probably have to fail to miss the ground a lot before they learn to fly.

So here I am again, trying to muster up the courage it's going to take me to learn to fly. I know I'm more than likely to fail to miss the ground. I just hope that I'm trying hard enough to fail to miss it pretty hard. Because I have a feeling that when I finally do fail to miss the ground, all the failed attempts are just going to make that success sweeter.

And here's the part of the blog where I remind myself of something that is impossible for me to grasp: Nothing is impossible with God. If I can ever wrap my brain around that, I guess anything will be possible.

To Prologue or Not to Prologue

I started my first book almost a decade ago. It was September of 2001. I didn't write it consistently. When I was in school, I didn't write much at all. It was when I finally broke up with Seminary (it's not you, Seminary, it's me) that I finally got the book finished. Well, for this entire almost decade that I've been working on my first book, I've always intended for it to have a prologue.

I've written a prologue, in fact, I've written and rewritten a prologue. I have edited it many times, making it what I thought was something pretty good. But in my latest agent research, I've learned that a lot of literary agents just don't like prologues. I've discovered that they especially don't like prologues that give a huge back story or that take place years and years before the actual story takes place.

My prologue is one of these.

Now, I think it would be fairly easy to eliminate my prologue completely by putting the details of it into my story. I can think of a way to do this without changing too much to the story line, if anything at all. And I guess that would probably be the wisest thing to do--to just get rid of my prologue and make sure to put any pertinent details from it into my story. That would make the agents happy...maybe.

The trouble is, I've worked hard on this book and on this prologue over the years. I've always envisioned this book as a series, and I've always envisioned my prologue for the first book to be kind of a prologue to the whole series. I've always pictured the first two words of this series to be the first two words in my prologue, and nothing else ever seemed right to me. If I get rid of the prologue, then all these things I've envisioned will be gone.

I'm torn between a couple of different thoughts. On one hand, since I've put so much work into this project, it's probably a good idea for me to put just a little more work into it by making it something that more agents would appreciate--and that means nixing the prologue. On the other hand, since I've put so much work into this project, I really have come to love it just the way it is. That's not to say there are not still some minor things I can do to edit it and polish it up a little more. It's just that after I've already done so much, I kind of don't just want to throw that work away.

And my fear is that the agents are probably right about a lot of things--I mean, they usually are. Literary agents know the market. They know what is probably going to do well, and if most readers out there are anti-prologue, then that's a strike against my book if I keep the prologue in it. But I'm also thinking that even though the agents know the market well, they don't know my book. They don't know this story that's been in my head for the last ten years of my life. I just think my story is better with the prologue than without it. I am naive enough to believe that I've written an intriguing prologue. Maybe what I think of as intrigue is really just the same cliche crap that countless other unpublished writers have written. I don't know.

And so my dilemma is this: Do I do what is most likely to get me a literary agent, or do I do what I think is best for my story? I have honestly gotta say, at this point, I'd feel like a sell-out if I got rid of my prologue, but what do I know? I'm just the "author" (I don't feel right calling myself an author until I've actually gotten something published). Do I just risk it and leave my story as it is and hope that somewhere out there is some crazy agent who actually likes prologues (or who is willing to take a chance on mine)?

Well, if I am completely honest with myself, I've gotta say that even if I do nix my prologue, there's still only a slim chance that anyone will want to represent my book. I'm not saying it's not good. I'm not saying I'm not a good writer. I'm saying that this market is tough, and I'm just not sure that my book is going to do well in the current market. It's a YA epic fantasy. There are so many of those out there, and right now readers are gravitating towards a different kind of book anyway. So maybe it's time to turn my attention back to the idea of going through a small publisher.

This is my first book. It's the book where I made tons of mistakes. It's like a first child. I had to figure out what worked and what didn't. And now that I'm done with it, I kind of just want to say, "No, I can't change it. It is what it is." And I kind of like what it is, I'm just not sure agents will agree. I kind of want to give my book a chance without having it torn apart by agents and editors who don't understand it. I know that's their job...I'm just thinking I might go small time with this one and try to find an agent for a more recent project. I've learned a lot since this first book, after all.

Sigh.

I'm not giving up, though. I mean, what do I always say? "Quitting is for sissies, pansies, and people who never get published." Yes. That's the one. You may quote me....as A. R. Campbell. I think I just need to continue to try to find a literary agent. I'm just not sure whether to try to sell my book as is, or without a prologue.

What do you think? Do you like prologues? Do you hate prologues? I just want some different ideas, thoughts, whatever. Thanks!

Projects

I haven't forgotten that I want this blog to be much more than a listing of what's going on in my writing, but it has occurred to me that I really haven't talked about my projects in any detail.

Now, the reason for this is because I'm extremely wary of posting stuff online. I've know some agents don't want you to put sample chapters online (and honestly, I don't want to do that unless it's password protected). I don't want to ruin my chances with an agent because a bunch of people floating out in internet land have already read my stuff. I also have read that it's dangerous to post chapters or even specific ideas online because people can steal ideas. It's sad, but true.

Therefore, I've been cautious, and will continue to do so. BUT, I think I should at least give my readers a somewhat less vague idea of what I'm working on and what I want to do with it all. I will NOT use titles, because 1) Until an agent/publisher gives me the okay on a title, I doubt that will be its official title. 2) I don't want anyone stealin' my titles, either...even if my titles stink. It's just a risk...and I'm super cautious.

So anyway...

The first manuscript I completed, which I often refer to as "Book One" is a young adult fantasy about Dragons and stuff. Okay, so more specific. Yes. It's about a 16 yr old girl who has to readjust to a whole new way of life. She is guided by others, but some of them betray her. The remaining faithful guide urges her to run away. He provides a bodyguard for her, but this bodyguard happens to be one of her former friends--one who hurt her deeply. They travel into the forest and befriend a goblin. The guy and girl reconcile--maybe even fall in love, who knows ;). All the while, the girl is being hunted by a Dragon--the only way she can figure out her destiny is to face this Dragon.

"Book One" is the project for which I'm currently seeking representation. I'm a lookin for an agent. I'm starting to think the market might not be quite right for this book at the moment, and considering it's my first book, it might not be really all that great anyway. My friends have all said they like it. My mom loves it. I just don't think that's really gonna cut it in today's market. I'm still going to TRY to find an agent, but I'm considering getting it small-time published...if the querying keeps coming up short.

I AM planning on getting a collection of original fairy tales small-time published sometime very soon. It was originally going to be a collection of original fairy tales, retellings of classic fairy tales, and parodies, but I'm leaning more towards the original stuff, now. I've sent some samples off to the guy so he can tell me what he thinks. He's busy, so I'm expecting to hear back from him by like...March...of next year...maybe. Lol. Nah, I'm not in a hurry. I just need to keep working on more fairy tales in the meantime. It's taking a lot of time and imagination and writing and editing. Fun stuff! I'm excited about it.

The second book I've completed (which I often refer to as "Book Two"...don't you love my creative titling?) can only be described as Christian Sci Fi. It's also a romance. In fact, it might be primarily a romance, but since it happens in the distant future and mostly in outer space, I call it Sci Fi. Now, "Book One" has some Christian imagery, but I really toned it down because I'm still just not sure I want to be a Christian writer. In "Book Two" there are BLATANT Christian elements that I just can't see removing unless I rip the story apart...and I don't want to do that. There are lots of references to the Bible, directly and indirectly. It is what it is, though it still needs a LOT of editing apart from that. I don't want to go into too much detail about this book (even though lots of people have already read it because I originally wrote it as a serial novel and posted it in protected notes on facebook...and no, I'm not going to let anyone else read it as it is--it needs editing), but I will say one thing more: It also has Dragons.

"Book Three"--the third book I've completed, is a companion to "Book Two." I did not plan to write a sequel or anything like it. It's not really a sequel. It's taking one character from "Book Two" and expounding on her life, thoughts, and circumstances. While writing "Book Two," this completely minor character started speaking to me. She started talking in my head. She wouldn't shut up. And yes, writers are crazy people. Anyway, she went from being a minor character in "Book Two" to a MAJOR character in "Book Two" to getting her own book, told in first person, which is now "Book Three." I wrote "Book Three" in less than two weeks because this character completely took over my life. She possessed me. And wow, she's so much more amazing than I originally thought. I remember talking to her, saying, "Gee, R***, I don't know how to write a book about you." She said, "Just write it. I won't leave you alone until you do." I said, "But I don't know your story." She said, "Just start writing, and I'll tell it to you." And then she did. And her story is amazing. I can't believe I didn't think she was important at first. ...not that I'm ready to do anything with this book yet, I still should say that it needs a lot of editing.

I had originally called this "Book Four," but I never finished it, so now I'm going to call it "Unfinished One". "Unfinished One" is a sequel to "Book One." I've had it envisioned for about five years (I envision three books to follow "Book One" and also a companion book...or two. As long as I'm alive and in my right mind, these books WILL get written and published one way or another--depending on what happens with "Book One"). I started to write "Unfinished One" in October 2010, saying I had these grand dreams of finishing it before November (to taunt all the Nanowrimoers)...I didn't meet that goal. The reason for that was mainly because I had some published authors give me advice, saying that it's not a good idea to write a sequel until you have the first book well on its way to being published. So, I have 2/3 of a book done. I might go back and finish eventually, but I think what I've written needs a LOT of work anyway.

Right now, Imma call my newest project my, er, "Newest Project." I've had the idea for this for about five years, but I kept it on the back burner of my mind because I've got so much else going on. But I've been researching, and I've come to realize that "Paranormal" books are really big now. This book falls into that category. The time to write seems to be now. Without giving away any details about the paranormal aspect, I will say it's a romance of sorts. There's a guy and a girl, and both of them exhibit paranormal abilities, but their gifts compliment each other's gifts. I'm really liking the two main characters so far. The girl is a LOT like me--only she's like all my "negative" personality traits rolled into one and magnified. I'm not sure if other people will like her, but I think she's awesome. I don't really have a detailed plot for this book yet, nor do I have a real title--at least not one that I like. I'm just really excited to see what happens. I'm learning that sometimes I don't know what happens until I'm writing it. Honestly, I like it better that way. It gives the characters some freedom, makes them more real.

Oh, and so far, no Dragons at all in "Newest Project." I know. Shocking!

All right. That's pretty much what I'm working on. Querying. Editing. Writing. And trying to live and work around the edges of that. Yeah, I'm crazy. I love it! I'm glad God has made me the way He's made me.

Now to go edit a synopsis for "Book One" so I can get out some queries...hopefully this week.

2011: The Year I Make Contact??

So sorry I haven't updated in a while. December was the craziest month ever with parties and shopping and baking and traveling. Now it's January. January 1. 1/1/11. I was still accidentally writing 2009 on checks, so I'm not exactly sure what happened to 2010, but it's gone.

And I'm sad to report that Stanley Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke were wrong. 2010 was NOT the year we made contact. (If you're confused, 2010 was the sequel to 2001: A Space Odyssey. Now you know.)

Aww.

Oh well, that movie sucked. The book was a little better, but I'm kind of glad alien monoliths aren't popping up all over the solar system...

But I was really hoping that 2010 would be the year I personally made contact with a literary agent. I was wise enough not to put down in writing, "My resolution for 2010 is to get an agent and a book contract." Rather, my resolution for 2010 was, "I want to do everything in my power to find an agent and work towards getting a book contract." The thing is, I'm not entirely sure I did everything within my power to find an agent. BUT, I'm not sure how much wisdom was in that resolution anyway.

I mean, I've learned SO much over the past year about the writing/publishing industry. I've learned it's a LOT harder and takes a LOT longer than most people believe to find an agent/get a book contract. In fact, if I were to get signed by an agent today, it could still be years before getting published. Years. ...if 2010 hadn't been such a short year, I might be crying right now.

Honestly, I'm glad I didn't do everything in my power to get an agent last year. That would have meant doing some pretty stupid things--like quitting my jobs so I could write/edit more, or telling my friends I could never see them again because I had writing stuff to do, or telling my mom that I'd return all her phone calls after I finally got a book contract. My mom would be waiting awhile...

I'm not sure what a wiser resolution would be, but I do have some resolutions for the year. One of them is realistically attainable, if I work towards it and make it a priority. Another is realistically attainable, if I work towards it and communicate well with other parties involved. Another is attainable in theory, but only if the stars properly align.

Last year I lost 40 pounds. Unfortunately, I stopped exercising in about August and started eating massive amounts of cookies in November, and I've consequently gained back about 10 pounds. So one of my resolutions for this year is to lose another 20 pounds. Definitely attainable if I work towards it and make exercise a priority--yes, even over writing. I need to set aside time to exercise. That's all there is to it.

I also have a resolution this year to get something published. This is attainable because I don't plan on traditionally publishing this project. I plan on going through a small company. It's a collection of short stories. At this point, most of them need editing, and I might even need to write a few more. But I think this goal is very attainable if I work towards it. I plan on being able to call myself a published author this year.

My other resolution is trickier, and probably very unwise, but I think it's possible. I want to sign with a literary agent this year. I'm much closer to being able to attain that goal than I was last year. We'll see what happens.

All in all, I'm pretty excited about a new year. I'm excited to see what will happen to me personally and professionally. I'm excited to see what's happening in the lives of my friends and in the lives of my fellow writers. There's a lot going on. Basically, I'm just going to keep trying to be faithful with what God's given me to do...but more on that in the next blog.

Thank you to all of you who read this for sharing in what's going on with me.

Be Strong and Courageous

Last week, God did that thing where He keeps making the same message just pop up over and over in my daily life. That hasn't happened to me for a long time, but I know that whenever it does happen, it's probably a pretty good idea to pay attention. The theme this time is "be strong and courageous."

It came up in three of my friends' facebook posts. Then it came up again in worship at my preschool. It came up again in my MOPPETS lesson (I wasn't even planning on teaching that lesson--it was the one provided when I got there that morning). Then it came up again in a scripture passage I was reading. It came up AGAIN in this movie I was watching. Over and over again, God's kind of thrown "BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS" in my face. And I kinda sorta figured there was probably a reason for that.

And I think it's time to take a risk. I've had an opportunity to get published through a small publishing company for a few months now. I've talked to the guy who owns it, and he would be thrilled to help me out. The thing is, he also said stuff like, "But your work deserves to be handled by a bigger publishing company." (What a nice thing to say!)

I don't know how good my work is. I mean, I love it, but I'm just a little bit biased. I've had these characters and these stories in my head for almost a decade. I think I'd love to have my stuff represented by an agent and sold to a major publishing company. I think I'd love to be as well-known as J. K. Rowling or Stephenie Meyer. I think I'd love to have my books made into a wildly popular movie series (with John Williams writing the main theme). But these are just things I *think* I'd love. The truth is, I really don't know what being a famous writer would look like. I am not sure I'm ready for all of it. I'm incredibly ignorant to the publishing process, and I am very sure that will be evident to any agent or editor--or pretty much anyone else.

I have only queried a few agents. I know there are others I could query. Given enough time, I might be able to snag an agent. But even that is no guarantee that I'll get published. I don't want to be impatient. I don't want to do anything because I am looking for an easy way out.

But the way I'm starting to see it is, I really don't have anything to lose. Christopher Paolini self-published Eragon, and it was later picked up by a bigger publishing company. It's very well-known now. They've even made a movie out of it (even if it WAS horrible and left no room to include the sequels). If I do get it published under the small company that's just starting out, that's not necessarily the end of my project. Who knows what might happen to it and to me if I just take this risk?

I know it will mean a lot of work in marketing (thank God for Twitter and Facebook!). I don't know exactly how hard that's going to be, but this is all part of the learning process. I'm learning more and more every time I step out in faith.

I have not made any decisions yet. This week, I'm just trying to pray through this decision and see what the Lord would have me to do. If you want to pray for me, too, that would be awesome(but I'm not looking for advice at this time, thanks!). I could use all the prayer I could get (can't we all?). If I still think this is where the Lord is leading me by the end of the week (or a little longer--we'll see what happens), then I'm just going to talk to the guy who owns the small company. There's a lot of things to consider before deciding anything.

What I find hilarious and wonderful is that the Lord has really been stretching me this week. It's only Tuesday, and already I've had to take my car to the shop b/c it decided it was tired of being a Ford Taurus and decided to be a recalled Toyota instead (it was accelerating by itself for no good reason--thank God for good brakes and a fantastic mechanic who only charged me $80), I lost my cell phone (hopefully it's in my friend's car), and I got home from a hectic day at work (who knew that 1 yr. olds and firetrucks don't really mix that well??) to find out that termites have been snacking on the 100+ year old hard wood flooring in my 100+ year old apartment. Jerks. Go eat new wood.

It's already been a CRAZY week and it's only TUESDAY. I'm wondering what else is going to happen. But I just look at all the stuff that's going on and I have to say, "Lord, thanks for all these opportunities to trust You."

My car was in the shop and I was expecting my mechanic to tell me a) Your car has the plague and is going to die--time to get a new car; or b) Sure I can fix it. That'll be $700 or your firstborn child. But instead, it was a minor thing that cost less than $100 to fix. I had amazing friends who drove me to work and to the mechanic. My car didn't kill me or anyone else (always a good thing, right?) when I drove it, riding the brake all the way, to the mechanic. I had no idea how it was going to turn out, but I knew it would turn out. And it did.

I don't know if my cell phone is in my friend's car or not. If it's not, then it's lost. And if it's lost, then that will stink, but it's not the end of the world. I'll be okay. I need a good excuse to get off my parent's phone plan anyway...

There's a guy here currently using some sort of machine that sounds like it's tearing up my living room floor (probably because it is some sort of machine that's tearing up my living room floor). But I'm not going to die to death because of termites or weird guys/noises in my living room.

It's all going to be all right. There's all sorts of reasons to "be strong and courageous." As I told my MOPPETS kids about a gazbillion times on Friday morning, "When we're scared, we can remember all the things that God did in the Bible and all the things God does in our lives, and we can remember that He is powerful. We don't have to be afraid." I don't know exactly why God's giving me all this stuff right now in the midst of this decision I'm trying to make, but I'm pretty sure He knows what He's doing.

So thanks for your prayers. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with what I've been given at this point, but I am confident that I'm going to get published one day. Whether it's sooner or later, God is still God and God is still good.

EDIT: MY PHONE WAS IN MY FRIEND'S CAR!!! WOOOOOOOOOT!

AFTER THESE MESSAGES, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

My friend James Cogdill has written a book called Project 19: The Blazer Saga, which is for sale at www.blazingbushpublishing.com I have not read it as of yet (just ordered my copy), but I've read his other books. He is an excellent storyteller. His stories are imaginative and well-written. He's particularly good with action sequences (which I'm slightly in awe of, because my action writing tends to be one of my weaknesses). I highly reccommend that you go to www.blazingbushpublishing.com RIGHT NOW and purchase a copy of Project 19: The Blazer Saga. You should also buy copies for all your friends and family members...even your crazy Uncle Steve.

I have a feeling that the name James Cogdill will become much better known in the near future. Wouldn't it be cool to say you were reading him before everyone else? Yes. Yes it would. So buy his book. Kthx!

Great Expectations

I used to be annoyed by other people's expecations for me. There are times when I still am annoyed, but I can understand it all a little better now (I think). If someone doesn't expect anything of you or for you, it's a pretty reasonable assumption that the person doesn't care anything about you.

A wife expects her husband to love her, to help her with things around the house, to take care of the children, etc. Likewise, there are things a husband expects from his wife. There are things a parent expects from their children, and there are things a child can expect from a parent. In school, teachers are expected to teach, and students are expected to study and do their school work. Expectations are not necessarily bad things. Expectations, however, can be distorted when someone expects something of another person that isn't a reasonable expectation.

The annoyance I have of other people's expectations is that sometimes people expect things of me that aren't something I've ever really wanted. In the past, I often made decisions based on what I thought other people expected me to do. The first time I went to college, I only went because it was expected of me. I drifted for two years, then dropped out for two years. I went back when I was ready to go. When I finally graduated college, I had accomplished the task I wished to accomplish. I wanted to learn, and I did. Some of my teachers', friends' and family members' expectations for me were to get a degree I could actually put to use. I didn't go to college for a degree; I went for an education. Even though five years later I'm STILL paying off the student loans, I don't regret it at all.

Some people expected me to use my degree to become a teacher (shudder!) or something similar. Still others have expected me to get married and have kids (as if I had a lot of choice in that matter). Others have expected me to move up in management in my current job at a drop-in childcare center (after all, I've been working there over four years). Others have expected me to abandon this ridiculous goal of actually trying to make it as a writer. They'd rather I do something practical... but I'm just not practical.

The thing is, anyone who expects me to be something I'm not isn't really helping me. At the same time, I realize that people who have expectations of what I should do with my life are only trying to show that they care. It saddens me that some of them don't know me well enough to actually realize they're hurting more than they're helping, but I do appreciate the fact that they care about me and what I do with my life.

But I'm a free spirit. I would stink at teaching, and I know I would stink at management. And if I'm happier chasing kids around at work instead of sitting behind a desk trying to do administrative stuff, who's to judge me? As for the marriage and family, I'm not sure what God has in store for that, and I'd be just as thrilled with anyone else if it happened to me. I'm all right if it doesn't.

As for the writing, I can give it up as easily as I can give up breathing. I know it's nearly impossible for someone who's never been published to get published. But I've got a couple of encouragements: 1. Book stores and libraries are full of books that were written by impractical people who were once unpublished--people who kept trying to do the (nearly) impossible until they succeeded. 2. If God is for me, then who can be against me. I believe He's called me to write and try this getting published thing. So I've got to keep trying, regardless of my doubts or other people's expecations.

People are still going to have expectations, and that's all right. I'm still going to be me. The ones that know me best are going to be okay with that. The ones that don't know me...at least they care. Their caring means a great deal to me.