SEW Sunday: Editing As Death and Rebirth

So, I've come to the conclusion that one of the main reasons I kind of mentally, emotionally, and in all other ways shut down on trying to find a literary agent in February was because I didn't want to do something that I knew (in the back of my mind) really needed to be done.  I fought against it for a while, then just decided I would sweep it under the rug and not think about it. 

Last week, I mentioned that I reread my first book and LOVED it, but I knew there needed to be one DRASTIC change.  That change has been made, which was hard for me, but it wasn't as hard as I thought.

I killed my prologue.

It's a YA fantasy, this book.  For the past DECADE that I've been working on it, it has always had a prologue.  I've always imagined it with a prologue.  The prologue was an integral part, not only of the story, but also of my image of what my introduction to the realm of being published author would look like.  I wanted the first thing people read by A. R. Campbell to be THAT prologue.  The first two words of that prologue were the first two words I wanted for my book...sigh...

But people, particularly agents, seem to not like prologues anymore.  I read more than one anti-prologue blog from agents I respect.  I'd read other agent interviews where other agents I respect discussed their hatred of prologues.  Agents know (at least a lot better than most people) what readers and publishers like.  Apparently, readers and publishers don't like prologues, either.  And I could see how I could easily incorporate my prologue into my story.  It wasn't that I didn't want to do the actual work (although, let's face it, I hate work).  My problem was that I didn't want to kill my prologue...because I loved it.

So it took me three months of pouting to finally get to the point where I was ready.  Friday, I had a day off.  I went out for a run.  I did some shopping.  I did some cleaning.  I delayed and delayed the inevitable.  Then I finally sat down at my computer and did the necessary editing, the necessary changes.

And I deleted the first three pages of my book.  The pages with the prologue.

I wish I hadn't pouted for so long, because as it turns out, I was able to reproduce much of the prologue, verbatim, within the structure of the story.  The prologue died, yes, but it was reborn into something that actually made more sense within the plot.  I had to tweak a few things.  There are still some things I will have to check and double-check (editing is hard, yo).  But, for the most part, it's done.  And my book is better for it.

The prologue is dead.  I mourn it, but all is not lost.

Okay, so that sounded REALLY dramatic and cheesy, but what do you expect?  I'm a writer....

As for writing, I'm still working on my current project.  I still don't like it, but I think I've made a small breakthrough in what I want to do with it all.  Some of my test readers are encouraging me to continue, so I'm trying to appease them, but I have to admit I'm really tempted to just shut the project down for a while and concentrate on the querying and editing aspects of my writing.

I still have a lot to do before I'm ready to start sending queries again.  I need to do some more agent research.  I need to perfect a synopsis.  I need to write and edit some outlines.  I also need to do some minor edits to the actual story.

I also want to start seriously working on a musical project--a collection of songs.  I'm not sure how well that's going to work, but I think it's worth a shot right now.

And then there's another rough draft of a project that I want to eventually try to sell.  It needs serious editing, and now I think I've distanced myself from it enough to be ready for that editing. 

Honestly, I hate hate hate editing.  It makes me see what isn't good about what I've done and forces me to destroy my previous work, some of which took me a LONG time to develop.  I've made an investment in these things that I once thought were amazing, only to find that they often don't even pass the level of mediocrity.  So I have to destroy what I once built, only to try to build it up better the second time.  Then the third time.  Then the fourth time.  As long as it takes...

Being a writer has given me some small glimpses into what it must be like to be God.  Only I'm not as patient as He is.  How many times has He had to tear us down so that He could rebuild us?  Only it's not His fault we're imperfect...we're the ones who mess up our own lives...because we try to be what we can't be.  We try to be Him.

I can't be God.  I can just be a writer, and editing forces me to realize that I'm just not as brilliant as I sometimes imagine myself to be.  As discouraging as all that sounds, I have to say that I really have been encouraged this week.  I've been reminded about how much I really do love my life and the opportunities God has given me.  I know that He's in control, so I really don't have anything to fear. 

There's still a lot of work to be done, but I've got to be honest--getting rid of my prologue was a HUGE step in this journey towards getting published.  It's gotten me back on track to do the things that I know I still need to do.  I'm not there yet, but I know where I want to go.

Now I just have to do the work it will take me to get there. 

Have I mentioned that I'm really glad I'm not God.  I mean, seriously.  I would have forgotten to make gravity, and then where would we all be?  But He's the Author AND the Perfecter.  When I really thing about it, I have nothing to fear.

...hee hee.  Bion is going to be working overtime.

Triathlon

I haven't posted in a while because nothing is really happening in my writing world. I am writing and plotting (I love plotting), but it's nothing too exciting. Lots of other amazing things are happening in other areas of my life. God's providing. Work is going well. I'm still losing weight. Yeah...there's also some new developments in my exercise world...

I'm trying to be a runner, which is something I've never wanted to be before. To be honest, at this point, I really don't think I'm going to become a runner. I've entered this 5K for a program called Girls on the Run. It's some kind of self-esteem program for girls. I don't know too much about it, actually. My boss' tweenage daughter is a participant in the program, and I got free registration through work. I like my boss' daughter, so I figured it would be a cool thing to support her in this way.

It's a walk/run 5K. I could walk it if I wanted, but there's something in me that is saying, "Walking? Don't be a gurlymahn!" I've never been athletically inclined, but right now I'm in the best physical shape of my life. Why shouldn't I attempt to do something like this now? If I don't try now, I might never try.

I don't want to run a marathon (because that would probably quite literally kill me). I just want to be able to run the 3.1 miles of the little race I've entered. Right now, I'm up to about...half a mile. I can jog half a mile at one time without having to stop for a walking break. And by the time I finish that half mile, I'm gasping like a fish out of water. I sound like I'm dying. Maybe I am dying. I don't know...I just keep walking while gasping until I can breathe semi-normally. Then I try to run again and only make it about a quarter of a mile before my lungs threaten to burst and my legs start turning to Jell-o. Then I walk home and pass out on the floor.

The race is only a little over a month away. The only improvement at this point is that I didn't have MAJOR abdominal cramps the last time I ran (I did the first few times). I have a feeling I'm not going to be able to physically run a 5K. If you're a runner, then you probably think I'm pretty pathetic right about now. I probably am.

For the first time in my life, I'm really bummed that I'm not able to do something athletic. I've always just kind of shrugged when it came to sports/running and figured I had other talents. I just don't want to give this up. I don't want to let my own body beat me. Therefore, Saturday, when I actually get off work in time to go out running before dark, I'm going to get out there and try again. In the meantime, I'm going to get on that elliptical and up the resistance and try to strengthen my body and lungs. I don't want to fail at the goals I've set for myself. I'm going to keep trying, even if I'll probably never be able to run those 3.1 miles.

I wish I had that kind of dedication right now with my writing. I have only sent one query out this whole year. It was to an agent I pretty much already knew wouldn't be interested. I've got a list of agents to query. I've got a list of the things they want me to send them along with my query. I just haven't made myself sit down and get those things together. While I'm physically beating myself up to get to the goal I've set for myself, I have left all this writing stuff in limbo.

I keep coming back to this point. I need to do something with my writing--or stop saying I'm going to do it and go get a job as a lumberjack, instead. I don't think I'd be a very good lumberjack. I don't like splinters. Therefore, I need to do something with my writing.

I also need to start editing a story I've already written.

I also need to work on a new project (or two).

Many people have suggested (and I have thought of this myself, many times) that I just try to focus on one thing at a time. Maybe I should set aside the writing to focus on sending out my queries. Maybe I should set aside the queries to focus more on my editing. The thing is, while sometimes it's more important to devote time to a particular project, writers don't usually have the luxury of just doing one thing at once. If I'm going to make it as a writer, I'm going to have to learn to do something I've never been that good at: Balance.

Writing isn't like a 5K or even like a marathon. I can't just put all my focus on one aspect of it. Writing is more like a triathlon. I have to learn how to train for three separate types of events all at the same time...three events, but with the same goal. To win. I have to learn how to balance the writing with the editing, the querying with the writing, the editing with the querying. And if I ever get to a point where I'm so awesome that I don't have to send out queries, then I'll still have a separate event to train for: the marketing. The life of an author is not what I imagined it was when I was in high school. It takes a lot of work.

I've learned so much in the past year about discipline. Writing is no different. If I'm going to get anywhere, I'm going to have to set some practical goals. If I'm going to meet those goals, I'm going to have to be disciplined. It's hard, but I don't want to be a lumberjack.

...and also, I'm pretty sure I won't have a career as an olympic runner to fall back on. No Wheaties boxes for me.

Thoughts on Traditional VS. Self-Publishing

In the past few weeks, I've had some loving and well-meaning friends and family show me this article (or a similiar article) about a 26-yr-old named Amanda Hocking who has done extremely well self-publishing her books for Kindle. The article can be found by clicking here.

While I am happy for Amanda Hocking and her amazing success, I'm reluctant to just jump on the self-publishing bandwagon. As a person who has attended Southern Baptist churches all her life (and gone to three private Southern Baptist learning institutions), maybe one would think that I've just got a very Baptist mentality about everything, including publishing. "We've never done it THAT way before...." Only I have never really considered myself Baptist (I consider myself Christian and leave it at that--if you want to know more of what I believe, ask questions--don't rely on labels that often have very little truth). I try to keep an open mind to new things, and one would have to be pretty blind not to realize that the world is changing at a lightning fast pace.

There have been rumors and articles and such about the possibility of traditional publishing disappearing as self-publishing starts to become more popular. If one were to take the success of Amanda Hocking as the new norm, then the eventual closure of all traditional publishing houses would be a logical conclusion to make. However, Amanda Hocking's success is very much the exception and not the norm. This is why I grit my teeth and bite my tongue when well-meaning friends/family try to suggest self-publishing as an option for me. I KNOW they don't mean it in this way, but seriously. Every time someone suggests I try self-publishing, what that says to me is that they don't believe I can make it traditionally. They're saying to me that they think I'll have to self-publish because no one else will want me. While I know that's not really what they're saying, I wish people would think about how they might come across.

Personally, I'm just not going to feel like a published author if I don't see my book IN PRINT and ON SHELVES. I just don't think that having digital versions of my books floating around on Kindles and Nooks is going to feel the same. When reading books, I would much prefer to have the actual book in my hand. There's the feel of the book--the weight of it in my hands, the experience of actually getting to turn the pages. There's the smell of the paper and ink. There's the sound of the pages turning. All of these are experiences I love when reading a book, and scrolling down a screen just wouldn't be the same. According to this recent article, I'm not the only one who prefers actual books over a digital reader. I don't think traditional publishing is dying at all. Self-publishing may or may not be a fad. It may or may not be taking over the publishing world. But I don't think self-publishing is the same thing as traditional publishing. Traditional publishing involves more than just you (it involves people who know what they're doing and who know the publishing business), which, in my opinion, makes it more valid. If you think your writing is good, then it might be...or it might just be you. If an agent and editor think your writing is good, then yeah...it's probably good.

I am NOT trying to say that self-publishing isn't real publishing. What I will say is that there are times when it CAN be fake publishing. Amanda Hocking and others like her have proven that self-publishing can be a legitimate method of getting one's writing out to the world. She's built a strong online presence and has gathered a following. I applaud her for being able to do that. I'm actually a little bit jealous. With that being said, for every Amanda Hocking out there, there are probably about a gazillion John/Jane Does who think they can call themselves an "author" because they've self-published pages full of crappy drivel. I'm sure there are several good self-published writers out there who have put in a lot of time and effort editing and polishing their work before publishing it. I'm also sure there are several bad self-published writers who have not.

I don't have a problem with self-publishing in general. I have a problem with how easy it's become. Amanda Hocking tried traditional publishing before she attempted self-publishing. She put in the effort. It's not like she just decided "I'm going to write a book and self-publish it." She sent queries and got rejected before she went the self-publishing route--and now she's a millionaire. I have a lot of respect for her because she didn't just do things the easy way.

Now, let me also say that there's nothing wrong with self-publishing if you are just wanting to get a book out there for fun or whatever. Just please don't call yourself a "published author" in my presence unless you have some successful sale numbers to back up your claims. If you want to get something you wrote out there and have no goals of making any money or sales, then whatever. It really depends on what you want to accomplish through publishing.

I happen to have a dream of becoming a fairly successful author (and these days, a successful author can mean many different things). I don't just want to self-publish and have it done with. I want to see my name IN PRINT, my books IN PRINT, my books ON SHELVES. That's what I want. I also want an agent to represent me (because I have lousy business sense). The Amanda Hockings of the world apparently don't need agents to make a fortune and a name for themselves. I think that I do.

So I'm going to continue to try the traditional route. If the current book I'm trying to sell doesn't fly (it's my first book--first books are often dreadful), then I will look into small-time publishing NOT self-publishing. And then I'll try to seek representation for another book. Even if I go small-time on my first book (and the series that goes with it), I'm not giving up on my dream of being a successful published author.

With that being said, I have a lot of work ahead of me.

To Prologue or Not to Prologue

I started my first book almost a decade ago. It was September of 2001. I didn't write it consistently. When I was in school, I didn't write much at all. It was when I finally broke up with Seminary (it's not you, Seminary, it's me) that I finally got the book finished. Well, for this entire almost decade that I've been working on my first book, I've always intended for it to have a prologue.

I've written a prologue, in fact, I've written and rewritten a prologue. I have edited it many times, making it what I thought was something pretty good. But in my latest agent research, I've learned that a lot of literary agents just don't like prologues. I've discovered that they especially don't like prologues that give a huge back story or that take place years and years before the actual story takes place.

My prologue is one of these.

Now, I think it would be fairly easy to eliminate my prologue completely by putting the details of it into my story. I can think of a way to do this without changing too much to the story line, if anything at all. And I guess that would probably be the wisest thing to do--to just get rid of my prologue and make sure to put any pertinent details from it into my story. That would make the agents happy...maybe.

The trouble is, I've worked hard on this book and on this prologue over the years. I've always envisioned this book as a series, and I've always envisioned my prologue for the first book to be kind of a prologue to the whole series. I've always pictured the first two words of this series to be the first two words in my prologue, and nothing else ever seemed right to me. If I get rid of the prologue, then all these things I've envisioned will be gone.

I'm torn between a couple of different thoughts. On one hand, since I've put so much work into this project, it's probably a good idea for me to put just a little more work into it by making it something that more agents would appreciate--and that means nixing the prologue. On the other hand, since I've put so much work into this project, I really have come to love it just the way it is. That's not to say there are not still some minor things I can do to edit it and polish it up a little more. It's just that after I've already done so much, I kind of don't just want to throw that work away.

And my fear is that the agents are probably right about a lot of things--I mean, they usually are. Literary agents know the market. They know what is probably going to do well, and if most readers out there are anti-prologue, then that's a strike against my book if I keep the prologue in it. But I'm also thinking that even though the agents know the market well, they don't know my book. They don't know this story that's been in my head for the last ten years of my life. I just think my story is better with the prologue than without it. I am naive enough to believe that I've written an intriguing prologue. Maybe what I think of as intrigue is really just the same cliche crap that countless other unpublished writers have written. I don't know.

And so my dilemma is this: Do I do what is most likely to get me a literary agent, or do I do what I think is best for my story? I have honestly gotta say, at this point, I'd feel like a sell-out if I got rid of my prologue, but what do I know? I'm just the "author" (I don't feel right calling myself an author until I've actually gotten something published). Do I just risk it and leave my story as it is and hope that somewhere out there is some crazy agent who actually likes prologues (or who is willing to take a chance on mine)?

Well, if I am completely honest with myself, I've gotta say that even if I do nix my prologue, there's still only a slim chance that anyone will want to represent my book. I'm not saying it's not good. I'm not saying I'm not a good writer. I'm saying that this market is tough, and I'm just not sure that my book is going to do well in the current market. It's a YA epic fantasy. There are so many of those out there, and right now readers are gravitating towards a different kind of book anyway. So maybe it's time to turn my attention back to the idea of going through a small publisher.

This is my first book. It's the book where I made tons of mistakes. It's like a first child. I had to figure out what worked and what didn't. And now that I'm done with it, I kind of just want to say, "No, I can't change it. It is what it is." And I kind of like what it is, I'm just not sure agents will agree. I kind of want to give my book a chance without having it torn apart by agents and editors who don't understand it. I know that's their job...I'm just thinking I might go small time with this one and try to find an agent for a more recent project. I've learned a lot since this first book, after all.

Sigh.

I'm not giving up, though. I mean, what do I always say? "Quitting is for sissies, pansies, and people who never get published." Yes. That's the one. You may quote me....as A. R. Campbell. I think I just need to continue to try to find a literary agent. I'm just not sure whether to try to sell my book as is, or without a prologue.

What do you think? Do you like prologues? Do you hate prologues? I just want some different ideas, thoughts, whatever. Thanks!

A Decision...Maybe

Last time, on The Wonderful Writing World of Ruth, we learned that Ruth is a decent author, but she has absolutely no gumption. Stay tuned for the exciting new episode where we learn about Ruth's epic battle with indecision! Will she decide to continue pursuing agents? Will she decide to scrap this project and begin a new one? Will she stop writing and decide to be a professional yodler instead? Will she go completely insane, join a cult of spider monkeys, and be tragically eaten by savage cannibals? Let's find out!

Yeah, so I may or may not be indecisive. I can't quite decide whether I am nor not. Maybe. Maybe not. Or maybe.

While researching agents today, I kinda sorta had an epiphany. I was looking at what all the agents were looking for: Paranormal. I mean, some of them are looking for YA fantasy. Some are even looking for epic "Tolkienish" fantasy, which is what my current project is. But more and more, I'm seeing agents shying away from that epic fantasy and moving towards fantasy that happens in the real world in which we are currently living.

And it hit me. I've had this idea for a book in my head for about three years. I've even written some scenes of it. I don't know exactly what I want to do with it, but I have a lot of ideas. I kept putting this project on the backburner for so long because I had other projects. It's a paranormal sort of book. Right now, the market is burning hot for that sort of thing. I think it's a good concept. I think the scenes I have written are pretty good. I just have to write it and get it ready to try to sell...

...oh, that's right. Writing a book is hard. Editing a book is hard. Editing it again and again and again is even harder. And right now I don't even have as much time as I would like to devote to my other projects. From what I've heard, this is a problem, because the life of an author just gets harder and harder after she's sold something. When am I going to have time for all of this?

So here's the indecision. I mean, it wouldn't be a dilemma if I had enough time to devote to all projects, but I don't think I do. At least, right now I don't see how it's possible. I *COULD* become a complete loony like I did when I wrote my third book, which I wrote in less than two weeks. But honestly, that insanity came in one ginormous crazy awesome spurt, and I don't see it happening again. If I do attempt to write it while also editing my second book (getting it ready for querying) and trying to get representation for my first book, then I just see things getting a little crazy go nuts around here.

But I'm a writer. Writers aren't typically known for their sanity.

So I'm deciding to try. That's kind of what I have been going with all along. I'm going to try to do these things. I'm going to try to get an agent for the first book. I'm going to try to get my second book edited. I'm going to try to write another book. If I succeed, then yay! I'll be a crazy successful person. If I don't succeed, then it's not a huge deal. I mean, there's always that dream of becoming a professional yodler to fall back on.

Ludicrous speed....GO!

2011: The Year I Make Contact??

So sorry I haven't updated in a while. December was the craziest month ever with parties and shopping and baking and traveling. Now it's January. January 1. 1/1/11. I was still accidentally writing 2009 on checks, so I'm not exactly sure what happened to 2010, but it's gone.

And I'm sad to report that Stanley Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke were wrong. 2010 was NOT the year we made contact. (If you're confused, 2010 was the sequel to 2001: A Space Odyssey. Now you know.)

Aww.

Oh well, that movie sucked. The book was a little better, but I'm kind of glad alien monoliths aren't popping up all over the solar system...

But I was really hoping that 2010 would be the year I personally made contact with a literary agent. I was wise enough not to put down in writing, "My resolution for 2010 is to get an agent and a book contract." Rather, my resolution for 2010 was, "I want to do everything in my power to find an agent and work towards getting a book contract." The thing is, I'm not entirely sure I did everything within my power to find an agent. BUT, I'm not sure how much wisdom was in that resolution anyway.

I mean, I've learned SO much over the past year about the writing/publishing industry. I've learned it's a LOT harder and takes a LOT longer than most people believe to find an agent/get a book contract. In fact, if I were to get signed by an agent today, it could still be years before getting published. Years. ...if 2010 hadn't been such a short year, I might be crying right now.

Honestly, I'm glad I didn't do everything in my power to get an agent last year. That would have meant doing some pretty stupid things--like quitting my jobs so I could write/edit more, or telling my friends I could never see them again because I had writing stuff to do, or telling my mom that I'd return all her phone calls after I finally got a book contract. My mom would be waiting awhile...

I'm not sure what a wiser resolution would be, but I do have some resolutions for the year. One of them is realistically attainable, if I work towards it and make it a priority. Another is realistically attainable, if I work towards it and communicate well with other parties involved. Another is attainable in theory, but only if the stars properly align.

Last year I lost 40 pounds. Unfortunately, I stopped exercising in about August and started eating massive amounts of cookies in November, and I've consequently gained back about 10 pounds. So one of my resolutions for this year is to lose another 20 pounds. Definitely attainable if I work towards it and make exercise a priority--yes, even over writing. I need to set aside time to exercise. That's all there is to it.

I also have a resolution this year to get something published. This is attainable because I don't plan on traditionally publishing this project. I plan on going through a small company. It's a collection of short stories. At this point, most of them need editing, and I might even need to write a few more. But I think this goal is very attainable if I work towards it. I plan on being able to call myself a published author this year.

My other resolution is trickier, and probably very unwise, but I think it's possible. I want to sign with a literary agent this year. I'm much closer to being able to attain that goal than I was last year. We'll see what happens.

All in all, I'm pretty excited about a new year. I'm excited to see what will happen to me personally and professionally. I'm excited to see what's happening in the lives of my friends and in the lives of my fellow writers. There's a lot going on. Basically, I'm just going to keep trying to be faithful with what God's given me to do...but more on that in the next blog.

Thank you to all of you who read this for sharing in what's going on with me.

The Decision

I hate making decisions. Maybe this is something common to writers, or maybe it's something common to humanity, or maybe it's just something common to me. I don't like making decisions. This is one of the reasons I drifted in and out of majors in college. I knew what I wanted, but I was afraid it wasn't the right decision. I knew what I wanted, but I was afraid it wouldn't be practical.

I've wanted to be a writer.

And I spent the better part of my teenage years staring up at the ceiling waiting for a "holy lightning bolt from God" to tell me what I was supposed to do with my life.

It never came.

So it took me several years to realize I should just do what I have a passion to do. I should write because it's what I love to do. It's what God has given me to do--no lightning bolts--just the desire and ability to do it.

And in the past week, I've been trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my writing. I didn't get a "holy lightning bolt from God," and I didn't expect one. I've learned that life just usually doesn't work that way.

Because sometimes there are things like ethics and morals that guide our decisions, and sometimes there's nothing there but options and opinions. I've prayed for wisdom and direction and guidance over this past week, but most of all, I've prayed for trust. I prayed for God to increase my faith--He's been faithful to do just that.

Because sometimes we're just not going to have a clear cut path in front of us. Sometimes we just have a crossroads and we have to figure out which one to take and just start walking.

A week ago, I was very strongly leaning towards going through a small publishing company. There are a lot of reasons why this would be a good idea. I would have more control over my story--as in, I wouldn't have a lot of people who don't know me and don't know my characters messing with my writing and making a lot of changes (I don't even care if that was a run-on sentence). I would have it published sooner than later and finally be able to call myself a published author. I would be able to help out a friend who's trying to get started in the publishing world.

But I would also have to market it myself. I would not have a lot of perks that an agent can provide. I might even prevent myself from getting an agent for future projects.

There are risks involved in whatever I do. I've prayed. I've asked for prayer from others. I've sought wisdom and direction and guidance.

But there have been no "holy lightning bolts from God," nor do I think any are going to come. So it's time to make a decision, choose a path, and just start walking.

Next week, I plan researching more agents and sending out more queries. I am putting book 4 on the back burner so I can start editing another completed project (aka book 2 aka Star). I want to try to sell it, too.

I am learning more all the time, and realistically, I know that even if I get an agent, I'm probably not going to be wildly famous or rich or anything. But I've got goals for my writing, and I'm not going to take the easy way out.

I'll see how it goes. This isn't the final say. If for whatever reason, this doesn't work out--if I just keep getting rejected and run out of options--yes, I will go small publishing. It's not that I see it as a "last resort." On the contrary, I am learning that small publishing is a worthy endeavor. I just would rather go traditionally because that's what I've always wanted. If that's not for me, then it won't work out, and I'll be THRILLED to be published under my friend's company--if he'll still have me. :-D

There are so many things that could happen. I don't know what they are. I'm just going to step out in faith right now and see. This is my decision. This is what I'm doing. I've just gotta trust that the Lord is going to direct my steps, though I can't see what's ahead.

Being decisive feels good.