SEW Sunday: Still Learning

(SEW Sunday is when I rant about discuss what's going on with the queries I'm supposed to be SENDING, the manuscripts I'm supposed to be EDITING, and the stuff I'm currently WRITING...but it's usually just where I talk about what I should be doing and am not doing)

I was talking with a good friend last night about how I kind of dread SEW Sunday blogs.  Why?  Because most weeks I don't do anything worth speaking of, so by the time Sunday rolls around, I have nothing to actually report.  This week is no exception.

My completed and polished manuscript is in the hands of one of my fellow writer friends.  I'm still working on some songs and working up the courage to go record them.  I did read over a rough manuscript I wrote over a year ago--it doesn't need much editing--but it's a companion to another book that needs a LOT of editing before I can even think about trying to sell it.  So yeah.  In other words, I haven't been doing much.

And one of the things my friend and I talked about last night was that feeling that we should be doing more--more BIG things...more more more.  I understand what she was talking about, but I'm not sure it all relates the same way to my life.  Balance is incredibly hard for me.  I've always struggled with it. 

Right now, the big struggle in my life is figuring out how much of following God is grace/faith/trust and how much is action.  I am writing because it's something God's given me to do--I have a HUGE passion for it that pretty much consumes my sanity and everything else.  I can't not write.  And I want my writing to be something that honors God.  So when I'm not writing as much as I think I should be writing, it's easy to get myself into this guilt trap.  I start basing everything on how much work I'm doing for God.

That's not the right attitude to have.  I'm not doing anything for God.  God doesn't need me.  The world needs another novel like I need another crazy Dragon-Muse.  But God wants me to write, and there's value in that because HE'S doing something.  My frequent attitude is: "What am I doing for God?"  My attitude should be something more like: "What is God doing through me?" 

I keep going around in circles and keep coming back to the same conclusion that I'm just a weak fool whom God has chosen to shame the strong and the wise.  And His timing isn't my timing.  Could I be doing more?  Absolutely.  I should be doing more.  But I should be doing more because God's working in me, not because I'm vainly trying to work for God.

I put the cart before the horse and end up not getting anywhere.

So I'm still learning to balance.  It's a work in progress, and I'm a work in progress.  One thing I'm also learning is that the more work you put into something, the better it becomes.  So while I'm waiting and hopefully working (for the right reasons) on what God has given me to do, making it better...

...well, God's doing the same thing in me.  Oh, this process of perfection...so wonderful, so mysterious.

But yeah.  I hope I actually have something worth reporting next week.

SEW Sunday: Getting There

The library called today, leaving me an automated message that the book for which I have been anxiously awaiting (Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins) is now available.  The library is also closed on Sunday.  Well played, library.  Well played.

That's okay, because I decided I wanted to reread The Hunger Games anyway, and I won't be done until tonight.  I love rereading a well-written book, which makes me wonder why I hate rereading my own books to edit them.  Does that mean they're not well-written, or does it just mean I hate work.

Hopefully, just the latter, but possibly both.

Anyway, I have nothing to report in editing or querying, except I do plan on getting some things together.  A few weeks ago I felt expectant, but that it wasn't time to move.  The wind was still.  Last night, the wind was anything but still as we had tornadoes and such in the area (my prayers are with those who didn't fare the storm as well as I did).  The weather is just a metaphor, but right I'm very encouraged right now that it's finally getting time to make a move in the publishing world.  For once, I don't have the "this will never work" attitude.  Maybe my attitude is finally shifting from the "this will never work" attitude to the "I'm actually dumb enough to think this will work" attitude.  While that doesn't sound much better, I'm often amazed at how many people in history were too dumb to know that they were attempting the impossible. So they tried anyway.  And they succeeded.

The writing is actually going really well.  I've had some new developments in my current WIP, though there are still several details I need to work out.  I'm kind of taking a step back and letting the characters do what they want to do, because I've learned (once again) that when I try to meddle too much, I stifle them. 

I'm writing this book as a serial novel which I am sharing with a few of my friends (I didn't want to share it with a large number this time--as I did with my second book...it just didn't seem right.  And if you're a good friend and I didn't choose you to read it, please don't be offended.  There were a lot of factors that went into the selection of readers).   There are a lot of issues with this, namely, that if I mess up, there's no way to backtrack.  I have to keep moving forward from where I messed up.  It's very experimental.  It's even a little dangerous because I'm putting my work out there in a very raw form.  But I felt it was time to actually do something with this project, and the best motivation was to have actual readers.  And they're very gracious, by the way.

Anyway, I am really starting to like this project (it's had a rocky start, and is still moving very slowly towards what I want it to become).  Unfortunately, another project is working itself into my mind and I'm wondering if I should be working on it, too.  I went out running this morning and couldn't clear my head of this story, the characters, what will happen to them.  I wish I could just be the sort of writer who focuses on one project at a time (it would make things so much easier).  My head just gets so busy with so many stories that I don't have room for all of them.  And then I need to find time to sell the ones I've already written.  And then I need time to prepare other stories I've written to be ready to try to sell.

But I can't complain too much.  I'm busy, but that's life.  The busyness isn't going to stop, so I'm back to where I started: trying to do all these writer things in the midst of the chaos of life.  When I stop having the mental image of a hamster on a wheel, hanging on for dear life as it spins out of control...I start to feel a lot better about things.

The question is, how do I get that image out of my head?

SEW Sunday: Maybe A Name Change is Already In Order?

So I almost forgot that I was supposed to start this NEW and IMPROVED blog today. It's SEW Sunday, the day when I give anyone who cares an update about what's going on in my writing world.  ...so that means, like 3 people...2 if you don't count my mom.

So this is supposed to be about three aspects of my writing: Sending queries, Editing, and Writing.  However, after having a remarkable experience with an incredible book that I did not write (but, oh, I wish I had), I'm thinking I've left out an important element. As an aspiring author, I need to write (goes without saying), edit (should go without saying), and send queries (doesn't go without saying because most people don't know what a query is--FYI it's a letter writers send to literary agents shamelessly begging them to represent a book). Unfortunately, due to the fact that I have very little time, I've forgotten a very important aspect of writing: Reading.

Do you know how long it's been since I read a book for fun? I don't. I can't remember. But recently someone (okay, okay, so it was a 12 year old) recommended a book to me. I plan on writing more about this book on Friday when I will attempt to write my first Fiction Friday blog...but we'll see how that goes.

Now, I had heard of this book before and it sounded interesting, and I know the last book in the trilogy had come out fairly recently (I won't have to wait for the sequels to come out!), so I figured I'd give it a shot. I reserved a copy at the library. I was something ridiculous like #192 on the waiting list. After waiting for a couple of weeks, I finally got the phone call that the book was available.  I picked it up.

And. I. Devoured. It.

Not literally. Books are for reading, not for eating. Keep that in mind when I'm published.

But oh my word, this book was phenomenal. I have already reserved the sequels from the library, but I'll have to wait for those, too. At least I'm not waiting years for the author to finish...it's hard to remember what life was like before J.K. Rowling finished Book Seven. Ah, what did I do with my life while waiting for Book Seven? My memories are fuzzy; I must have tided myself over with Eragon...which makes me wonder, when IS the fourth book of that "trilogy" coming out? Come on, Paolini...work with me.

Anyway, the reading of the book this week has meant that I have not had as much time for writing, but I can't bring myself to regret that at all. Sometimes, one of the most inspiring things for a writer is to read something excellent that someone else wrote. It helps me see areas that I can work on--things I need to call attention to about my characters and their thought processes. Yes, I think reading a book was just what I needed to start climbing out of this apathy pit I've somehow gotten myself into.

Because honestly, my head has not been in the game (did I just use a sports metaphor??) since November. I've written some, but not as much as I've wanted to. Editing? Psssh. And Querying? I've sent out one query all year. One. And I knew the literary agent I sent it to would never even get back to me.

It's April. I had goals of sending out at least five queries a month. I'm...a lot of queries behind schedule. The reason? I haven't cared. I know that's horrible, but it's true. I have had so many other things going on in my life that I haven't cared enough to put forth the effort.

But after reading that book, I started thinking about the characters in the book I'm trying to sell. I've started thinking about the characters in the book I need to edit. I feel as though I've really let them down.

These are good characters; I know they are. Sometimes I get hard on myself and think my stories are awful, and sometimes I'm right, but the characters in the books I'm trying to sell are not awful. They're remarkable.  They deserve a chance for others to know their stories, their relationships, their dreams and failures. The only one holding them back is me.

I'm still busy. I'm still going to have a hard time getting things done that I need to do. Life is just going to get in the way. There's no way around that. But I think I'm starting to get back on my feet. And in a couple of weeks, I'm going to have a day off. A. Day. Off.

No work. No church. No plans. So that will be a good time for me to organize some things for querying. In the meantime, I'm finally starting to have a breakthrough on my current WIP (work in progress). It's been slow going for a long time, and it still might be, but I think I've figured out a few of the problems. I still have more to work out, but that's how writing goes. I am starting to figure out the characters a little better, so that's good. One of them is pretty hard to understand--she's too much like who I was when I was a teenager...

I've also got an itch to start writing a new project. I'm wanting to experiment with point of views, tenses, and all of that. The last time I wrote something in first person, I was possessed by a fictional character and wrote the whole book in less than two weeks. It was scary...and fun...but mostly scary. So I'm going to be cautious because right now I just don't have the TIME to be possessed by a fictional character.

So yeah, that's how the SEWing is going, although I think I might need to change the title to also include an R for reading. I need to make time to read a good book every now and then. It has been a lot more beneficial than I realized.

SERWing?  Hmm.  Sounds like I'm from Minnesota.

Triathlon

I haven't posted in a while because nothing is really happening in my writing world. I am writing and plotting (I love plotting), but it's nothing too exciting. Lots of other amazing things are happening in other areas of my life. God's providing. Work is going well. I'm still losing weight. Yeah...there's also some new developments in my exercise world...

I'm trying to be a runner, which is something I've never wanted to be before. To be honest, at this point, I really don't think I'm going to become a runner. I've entered this 5K for a program called Girls on the Run. It's some kind of self-esteem program for girls. I don't know too much about it, actually. My boss' tweenage daughter is a participant in the program, and I got free registration through work. I like my boss' daughter, so I figured it would be a cool thing to support her in this way.

It's a walk/run 5K. I could walk it if I wanted, but there's something in me that is saying, "Walking? Don't be a gurlymahn!" I've never been athletically inclined, but right now I'm in the best physical shape of my life. Why shouldn't I attempt to do something like this now? If I don't try now, I might never try.

I don't want to run a marathon (because that would probably quite literally kill me). I just want to be able to run the 3.1 miles of the little race I've entered. Right now, I'm up to about...half a mile. I can jog half a mile at one time without having to stop for a walking break. And by the time I finish that half mile, I'm gasping like a fish out of water. I sound like I'm dying. Maybe I am dying. I don't know...I just keep walking while gasping until I can breathe semi-normally. Then I try to run again and only make it about a quarter of a mile before my lungs threaten to burst and my legs start turning to Jell-o. Then I walk home and pass out on the floor.

The race is only a little over a month away. The only improvement at this point is that I didn't have MAJOR abdominal cramps the last time I ran (I did the first few times). I have a feeling I'm not going to be able to physically run a 5K. If you're a runner, then you probably think I'm pretty pathetic right about now. I probably am.

For the first time in my life, I'm really bummed that I'm not able to do something athletic. I've always just kind of shrugged when it came to sports/running and figured I had other talents. I just don't want to give this up. I don't want to let my own body beat me. Therefore, Saturday, when I actually get off work in time to go out running before dark, I'm going to get out there and try again. In the meantime, I'm going to get on that elliptical and up the resistance and try to strengthen my body and lungs. I don't want to fail at the goals I've set for myself. I'm going to keep trying, even if I'll probably never be able to run those 3.1 miles.

I wish I had that kind of dedication right now with my writing. I have only sent one query out this whole year. It was to an agent I pretty much already knew wouldn't be interested. I've got a list of agents to query. I've got a list of the things they want me to send them along with my query. I just haven't made myself sit down and get those things together. While I'm physically beating myself up to get to the goal I've set for myself, I have left all this writing stuff in limbo.

I keep coming back to this point. I need to do something with my writing--or stop saying I'm going to do it and go get a job as a lumberjack, instead. I don't think I'd be a very good lumberjack. I don't like splinters. Therefore, I need to do something with my writing.

I also need to start editing a story I've already written.

I also need to work on a new project (or two).

Many people have suggested (and I have thought of this myself, many times) that I just try to focus on one thing at a time. Maybe I should set aside the writing to focus on sending out my queries. Maybe I should set aside the queries to focus more on my editing. The thing is, while sometimes it's more important to devote time to a particular project, writers don't usually have the luxury of just doing one thing at once. If I'm going to make it as a writer, I'm going to have to learn to do something I've never been that good at: Balance.

Writing isn't like a 5K or even like a marathon. I can't just put all my focus on one aspect of it. Writing is more like a triathlon. I have to learn how to train for three separate types of events all at the same time...three events, but with the same goal. To win. I have to learn how to balance the writing with the editing, the querying with the writing, the editing with the querying. And if I ever get to a point where I'm so awesome that I don't have to send out queries, then I'll still have a separate event to train for: the marketing. The life of an author is not what I imagined it was when I was in high school. It takes a lot of work.

I've learned so much in the past year about discipline. Writing is no different. If I'm going to get anywhere, I'm going to have to set some practical goals. If I'm going to meet those goals, I'm going to have to be disciplined. It's hard, but I don't want to be a lumberjack.

...and also, I'm pretty sure I won't have a career as an olympic runner to fall back on. No Wheaties boxes for me.

The Decision

I hate making decisions. Maybe this is something common to writers, or maybe it's something common to humanity, or maybe it's just something common to me. I don't like making decisions. This is one of the reasons I drifted in and out of majors in college. I knew what I wanted, but I was afraid it wasn't the right decision. I knew what I wanted, but I was afraid it wouldn't be practical.

I've wanted to be a writer.

And I spent the better part of my teenage years staring up at the ceiling waiting for a "holy lightning bolt from God" to tell me what I was supposed to do with my life.

It never came.

So it took me several years to realize I should just do what I have a passion to do. I should write because it's what I love to do. It's what God has given me to do--no lightning bolts--just the desire and ability to do it.

And in the past week, I've been trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my writing. I didn't get a "holy lightning bolt from God," and I didn't expect one. I've learned that life just usually doesn't work that way.

Because sometimes there are things like ethics and morals that guide our decisions, and sometimes there's nothing there but options and opinions. I've prayed for wisdom and direction and guidance over this past week, but most of all, I've prayed for trust. I prayed for God to increase my faith--He's been faithful to do just that.

Because sometimes we're just not going to have a clear cut path in front of us. Sometimes we just have a crossroads and we have to figure out which one to take and just start walking.

A week ago, I was very strongly leaning towards going through a small publishing company. There are a lot of reasons why this would be a good idea. I would have more control over my story--as in, I wouldn't have a lot of people who don't know me and don't know my characters messing with my writing and making a lot of changes (I don't even care if that was a run-on sentence). I would have it published sooner than later and finally be able to call myself a published author. I would be able to help out a friend who's trying to get started in the publishing world.

But I would also have to market it myself. I would not have a lot of perks that an agent can provide. I might even prevent myself from getting an agent for future projects.

There are risks involved in whatever I do. I've prayed. I've asked for prayer from others. I've sought wisdom and direction and guidance.

But there have been no "holy lightning bolts from God," nor do I think any are going to come. So it's time to make a decision, choose a path, and just start walking.

Next week, I plan researching more agents and sending out more queries. I am putting book 4 on the back burner so I can start editing another completed project (aka book 2 aka Star). I want to try to sell it, too.

I am learning more all the time, and realistically, I know that even if I get an agent, I'm probably not going to be wildly famous or rich or anything. But I've got goals for my writing, and I'm not going to take the easy way out.

I'll see how it goes. This isn't the final say. If for whatever reason, this doesn't work out--if I just keep getting rejected and run out of options--yes, I will go small publishing. It's not that I see it as a "last resort." On the contrary, I am learning that small publishing is a worthy endeavor. I just would rather go traditionally because that's what I've always wanted. If that's not for me, then it won't work out, and I'll be THRILLED to be published under my friend's company--if he'll still have me. :-D

There are so many things that could happen. I don't know what they are. I'm just going to step out in faith right now and see. This is my decision. This is what I'm doing. I've just gotta trust that the Lord is going to direct my steps, though I can't see what's ahead.

Being decisive feels good.