Loving Leadership

If you had told sixteen year old me that I’d one day be writing a blog about leadership, sixteen year old me would laugh at you and then eat seven cookies.  Because sixteen year old me really believed she’d only ever be a follower, and sixteen year old me really had no concept of what too many calories can do to a person.

Leadership is still something that really does not come naturally to me at all, but I’ve somehow found myself in a few leadership positions, lately.  It’s definitely been a learning experience.  God’s used these leading opportunities to teach me more about choosing love over fear.  …because apparently, when you put an insecure person like me in charge of something, well, there’s going to be some sort of struggle.

Struggles aren’t always bad.  They’re just something you have to work through.  I figure that’s why they’re called struggles.

Well, I’m no expert, but here are some of the things I’ve learned about leadership over the past several months:

1. Grace, grace, grace. 

Leadership takes grace.  Lots of grace.  If leadership were ice cream, it would need to be covered in chocolate grace sauce, caramel grace sauce, whipped grace cream, and a generous portion of rainbow grace sprinkles.  And also a big ol’ grace cherry on top.  Now I’m thinking about calories again….

But really, you can’t have leadership without tons and tons of grace.  I mean both from the leaders AND the followers AND from YOURSELF.  I’ve been a follower, and believe me, followers make mistakes.  I’ve been a leader, and BELIEVE me, leaders make mistakes.  Sometimes even the best leaders have to deal with people who think a leader has to be perfect.  But what’s worse is a leader who acts like he/she HAS to be perfect.  Don’t put unrealistic expectations on others.  Don’t put unrealistic expectations on yourself. 

Let me tell you about one of the most gracious people I’ve ever had the opportunity to work with.  My assistant teacher in my preschool class last year was amazing. 

Now, God has a sense of humor, and wouldn’t you know that he put the soft-spoken person (me) in a classroom with a hard of hearing person (my assistant teacher).  So sometimes I would ask her to do something or somehow give direction, and she wouldn’t hear me.  And I’m not going to lie.  I got MAD.  I do that sometimes.  I thought she was just ignoring me or just doing her own thing, because, as I might have mentioned before, I’m insecure. 

So when I got frustrated and confronted her about these times, she would just meekly say, “I’m sorry.  I really didn’t hear you.”  And then I’d feel like dirt, and I’d apologize.

And she forgave me.  Every time.  And on top of that she would make sure she knew how much she appreciated my leadership and friendship.  And THAT, my friends, is an example of a gracious follower, one who has the potential to be a great leader, too.  It’s also an example of a not so gracious leader—but, thank God, that leader (me) is learning.

2. HUMILITY

This kind of goes along with the first one.  When I gave that example of a not so gracious leader (me), there was a redeeming factor.  Eventually.  It might have taken me awhile to get there, but I took notice of the times when I was just plain wrong, and I acknowledged them and sincerely apologized for them.  Because a good (or, in my case, a growing) leader is humble.

In the past few months, God’s taught me a lesson in this through the poor leadership choices of others.  I've been under leaders who would make mistakes and just flatly REFUSE to acknowledge any fault.  I think the rationale is that if a leader appears weak, then those under leadership will lose faith.  And there is that risk.  But leadership is about risk, sometimes, and it’s far better to admit a mistake and even to admit weakness than to stubbornly cling to an ideal that probably doesn’t exist.  In the case of the faulty leadership I was under, the “I’m the leader, I can’t be wrong” mentality only fostered a huge lack of trust in the leadership.

If a leader admits weakness, it can actually help to create a bond of unity between that leader and those he or she is leading.  If a leader can mess up, admit weakness, apologize, and get back up to try again, that creates a positive example people can follow.  If a leader is just going to be stubborn and pretend to be right all the time, that’s setting up a very different template for those under him or her to follow.  Leaders who act pridefully might just end up with a lot of prideful people underneath them.  They’re just following the leader, after all.

3. Servanthood

As humility went along with grace, servanthood goes along with humility.  The best leaders I’ve seen lead by example.  A leader should never expect one of those under him or her to do something that he or she wouldn’t do.  A leader cannot say, “I’m the leader.  I’m above such and such task,” and then go send someone else to do it. 

Now, delegation of duties is important.  I’m not saying that a leader shouldn’t give a menial or routine task to another person.  This can free the leader up to do something else that might require his or her attention.  But a leader can’t just act like he or she is too good for something that people under him or her are doing. 

I’ve been in churches where some of the ministers would go work in the nursery because there was a shortage of workers.  They were serving in a place that didn’t seem important, but their example was incredible.  By serving others in a simple way, they were blessing parents, other nursery workers, and showing the church that anyone can and should serve wherever needed. 

And in my own preschool classroom, I learned that as a leader, my job was to serve all the children in my class, all of their parents, and my assistant teacher.  My assistant and I had a few communication problems, for which she gave me much grace, but I eventually realized that part of my job was finding ways that I could serve her better.  I could give her clearer directions, ask her if she was comfortable doing the things I gave her to do, be open to suggestions, etc.  I was the lead teacher, but as the leader, my job was mainly to serve.  When I realized that, I think it helped me become a better teacher, and that preschool class was the best I’d had in four years of teaching.

4. Exhortation

Part of a leader’s job is to seek out strengths, as well as recognize weaknesses, in others.  Knowing strengths helps with delegation and teamwork and other matters, but it’s more important than that.  A leader who encourages others shows others that he or she notices them and appreciates them.   A leader who sees special qualities or talents in a person can express appreciation, which usually serves to encourage the person to use his or her special skills all the more.  A leader who sees a weak area can provide the support needed to build a person up.  A leader won’t let anyone else tear others down, either, weaknesses or no.

Sometimes a leader can just get a good sense of things and know what is best for his or her team.  Sometimes a leader needs to actually talk to the people under his or her guidance and get to know them.  Sometimes a leader needs to lovingly struggle through difficult situations with others.  If a leader is willing to get to know people and figure out how best to make them feel appreciated, then those who are following him or her are much more likely to be loyal.  That's going to lead to a better working situation for everyone.

5. Protection

A leader protects those under his or her care, at the cost of his or her own welfare.

A leader stands up for those who aren’t able or willing to stand up for themselves, sometimes at the risk of offending someone and risking his or her own position.

A leader fights for justice for those under his or her care.

A leader makes sure that everyone is heard.

A leader defends those who have been wronged.

Sometimes a leader even puts him or herself in bodily harm for the sake of protecting others.

And in my leadership experience, I certainly haven’t had to put myself at physical risk.  But I have had the opportunity to defend others.  And I’m glad that I can at least say that I did defend them in those opportunities. 

I’ve also been blessed to have others defend me under their leadership.  It’s always encouraging to know that someone has your back, no matter if you succeed or fail.

I am still learning how to be a good leader, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be that leader I’d like to be.  I’m still much more comfortable in following, because following requires so much less responsibility.  The thing about following is that if something goes wrong, there’s usually someone in charge that you can blame the bulk of it on.  It's much harder being the one in charge.

But I’m glad I’ve had the opportunities to see that the struggle of leading others is usually worth it.  The sixteen year old me was wrong.  About the leadership AND the cookies. 

But I really could go for a grace sundae right now.

Unnecessary Valentine's Encouragement, & Other Stuff

So, I know everyone was waiting around with bated breath for my Wednesday post, and I know you were all heartbroken when it never appeared.  Riiiiight. 

Well, I did write a Wednesday post.  I scheduled it to post yesterday morning, and for whatever reason, it didn't post when I told it to.  It doesn't really matter, because basically all I said in that post was that I didn't feel like writing a post and was going to go to bed instead.  Because sometimes we all need to do that.

Anyway, I'm making up for the lame/nonexistent post by giving you a bonus Thursday post.  I know, you were all on the edges of your seats for that one, just praying I'd come through and not leave you hanging with just two posts for the week. 

Yeah.

So, it's a couple days after Valentine's Day.  The kids' sugar highs and crashes are all slowly tapering off.  I've still got about a dozen and a half pink mini cupcakes in my freezer.  I've still got a small stash of chocolate given to me by kids (or their parents) and friends and coworkers, and hopefully that will last me a while.  But all in all, I'm feeling almost like it's a couple of days after Christmas.  It's kind of a sad, wistful feeling.  I am sad because it's going to be a whole year before Valentine's Day season comes again. 

Soon, I'll be packing away my Valentine's decorations.  I'll be taking down the Valentine's cards that I taped to my bedroom door.  I'll be eating the chocolate.  The season has passed and won't come back again until next year.

I love Valentine's Day.

I love pretty much any day that allows me to celebrate and share gifts with people that are important to me. 

There are some people who don't like Valentine's Day, either because it's too commercialized, or because they don't like the idea of having just one day set aside to share with the love of their lives, or because their spouse is deceased or is separated from them because of work, military, etc.  There are people who have been divorced or who have ended meaningful relationships since last Valentine's Day.  There are people who simply can't face another year of being alone and single on Valentine's Day.

I'm not making light of these peoples' pain.  I am not saying that they're doing anything wrong by hurting.  I don't know what's going on in their hearts, what's gone on in their lives.  It's okay to be sad on Valentine's Day.

But I've just got to say that it makes me flat out mad when someone expects me to be sad on Valentine's Day.  A few well-meaning people have tried to offer me some consolation for being single on Valentine's Day.  These consolations came without provocation; I wasn't asking for it.  The problem is that these people with good intentions just automatically assume that all single people are miserable, and that really bothers me.

First of all, I'm not miserable.  I LOVE Valentine's Day.  It irks me when people call it "Single Awareness Day," because that's not the way I look at Valentine's Day at all.  I'm not sitting around wallowing in self-pity because I don't have a boyfriend or husband.  I don't see Valentine's Day as a day to receive material gifts from one particular person who loves me.  I don't see Valentine's Day as a day just to celebrate the love between myself and one significant other.  There are PLENTY of others in my life whom I view as significant.  I like to see Valentine's Day as a day to express my love for all the significant others in my life.  To me, Valentine's Day is a joyful day, and it's really annoying (and even confusing) when someone comes along trying to offer me consolation in the midst of a day that I love and greatly enjoy. 

Second...dude.  Stop perpetuating the "all single people are bitter hags" stereotype.  I'm not bitter because I'm single, but I AM angry at people who won't accept any other attitude from single people.  It's wonderful that you love your spouse so much that you can't imagine not living life without him or her.  I'm really happy for you.  For me, and a lot of other single individuals, we can imagine living life without a spouse.  We can imagine it because we live it day in and day out, and guess what...there is life without marriage, and it's not just surviving.  My life is full and blessed.  Does that mean I don't ever want to get married?  No.  I wouldn't mind having a husband and adopting some kids (or so I think).  But I'm more than okay if I don't get married.  I've got a lot more than I deserve.  I love my life, and it's frustrating when people tell me that I can't love my life simply because I'm not married.

Look, it's not that I don't appreciate the gesture from these well-meaning people.  I do realize they were trying to be supportive, and their effort counts, even if it was misguided.  The thing is, these attitudes are born in ignorance.  People often feel as though they have to say something, so they say the wrong thing.  And I realize that I'm also very ignorant of things that are going on in other peoples' lives.  This is one of the biggest reasons why I'm hoping to get the new website up and running soon (praying God will let it happen at the right time and in the right ways, because my tendency is to get discouraged that it's not happening as soon as I want it to).  My hopes are that a lot of stereotypes and wrong attitudes will be corrected, and that people who do have legitimate pain and needs will have a place to gain some support from others who can relate, or who, at the very least, care.

And caring, even in ignorance, is still a pretty good thing.  So I guess I'm blessed to have friends who care enough to try to encourage me--even if their encouragement is totally unwarranted.

Learning With Others

I'm hoping to get my website set up tonight--the one about singlehood, the church, etc.  That doesn't mean I'm "open for business" or whatever, but it means I'm another step closer.  I'm really excited, and I'm really scared.  But it is so time.

A year ago, I'm not sure if I would have been ready for this.  I had all these dreams about getting my works of fiction published (not self-published), and I still have those dreams.  I'm just not sure that the path I was hoping to take in order to get there is the path that I will end up taking.  I'm not sure what is going to happen with my blog, but I believe God has plans for it.  Right now, that's where my attention needs to be.  And I have a weird feeling that if I'm faithful to do this, the other plans I have are going to somehow fall into place--in time.

And maybe that's hard for some people to understand.  I'm not even sure why this blog idea presented itself when it did, but when it did, I knew I had to go for it.  I'm someone who likes to hesitate, to procrastinate due to fear.  Fear of what?  Of doing something I've never done before, of not doing it right or doing it well, of failure, of success, of the unknown.  But since the idea to do a blog occurred to me, I've sensed an urgency.  It's time to do this, and I'm doing what it takes to get it done.  It's because I'm really not the one in control of this whole thing.

And that's a scary thought, too.  I like being in control.  I like knowing what I'm doing, how I'm doing it, and what will happen when I do it.  I like having it all planned out within the context of my known capabilities.  I don't like it when things aren't in my control or power.  I don't like it when what I have to do depends on the actions and reactions of other people.  And while I'm a kind of blogger-leader in this venture, I know that the content of my blog is going to depend greatly on the responses I get from my readers. 

I'm resistant to change and I'm resistant to things that make me uncomfortable.  I guess everyone is, but I've really seen a pattern of how these qualities have ruled my life.  And lately, I've just seen that I need to get over my insecurities.  I've got to be open-minded.  I've got to be flexible.  The Lord has been preparing me in so many ways for this moment in my life, and I know He's still got some work to do on me.  I guess it's just going to be learning on the fly now.

The thing is, there's just so much learning that can be done when it's just you and God.  There's God's Word.  There's prayer.  These are both essential things for a life that glorifies God.  And that's my goal for this blog, the goal for my life, to glorify God.  I don't put that anywhere on my "about me" info or whatever, because if you can't tell by the content of this blog, I'm a Christian, and I want to honor God with everything I do.  Do I succeed in that all the time?  Of course not.  That's because when you get out in the "real world" away from church and your prayer closet and your Bible, you're confronted with people.  And people aren't predictable.  And people are hard to deal with.  And people are messy. 

But God made people to need one another.  Yes, ultimately, we need Him.  We need Him in order to live and breathe and be; we need to be connected to Him in order to love and hope and grow.  But God never intended anyone to live within a box of self.  And if we're going to learn how to put the things we read about in Scripture and the things we pray through during our quiet times--if we're ever going to learn how to put these things into practice, we have to encounter others.  Sometimes we're going to fail, and sometimes we're going to succeed.  And God never intended all our failures and successes to be kept to ourselves. 

The reason I want to start this blog about singlehood and the church is because I want to learn alongside others.  I want to share my experiences as well as read the experiences of others.  I want to ask questions that will help me and others understand what people are going through.  I want to know how we can better glorify God together instead of sticking to the status quo of our own little bubbles of comfort and safety.  People are messy, but the thing is, we're all people.  That means we're all messy.  We all have strengths and weaknesses.  We all have pains and joys.  We all have successes and failures.  We all need love.  We all need grace. 

I don't want this website/blog to be just for singles or just for church people or just for whatever.  I want it to be open for anyone who wants to read and contribute to discussion.  And that's scary, but it's an opportunity to learn...even when it's messy.  Perhaps especially when it's messy.  So I continue to ask for prayer.  I continue to ask you to stay tuned, considering how to help me spread the word about this site once it is ready to unveil. 

Thank you so much for the support you have already given me.  I'm thankful to all who come read this, who take time out to listen to my ramblings.  Stay tuned!