It's hard to know what to do sometimes. As a fairly impulsive person who knows she is fairly impulsive, sometimes when there is something I get the inclination to do, I have to pull the reins, slow myself down, and stop to think before I act. Sometimes this means I never act at all, and sometimes that's a good thing.
But I also happen to be a fairly hesitant person when it comes to trying new things, and I also know that about myself. Sometimes I have to take a flying leap and force myself to do something. Sometimes I fall flat on my face, and sometimes that's also a good thing.
Balance is that dreaded word which signifies a concept that I'm just not very good at. I can be impulsive. I can be hesitant. Is it possible to be hesitantly impulsive or impulsively hesitant?
It's only been a couple of days since I started asking for feedback about an idea. I guess I haven't given it much time, but the response was underwhelming. In fact, it was a little depressing. About five people ever got back to me about it at all. Including my mom, who is awesome, but...she's my mom. And I do plan on giving it a little more time, but I don't want to keep posting links about it on facebook when it's apparent that people don't care. But seriously, I'd rather people just come right out and say, "Ruth, your idea is stupid and no one cares," than to just ignore me and hope I'll go away. I mean, I'm trying to gauge how much people would be interested in my idea. I'm trying to see if there's a need for it. So while I'd prefer a direct response, maybe the answer to those questions is: it's not even an intriguing enough idea to capture people's attention, so get over it.
So if my idea is THAT ignorable, I should lean towards being hesitant to act on it. Yet I have to admit that the impulsive part of me wants to just go ahead and start a new blog focusing on this idea, asking questions, hoping that I'll slowly start to amass a following.
And really, the only risk involved there is that no one will ever read the new blog. The risk is that I'll continue to be ignored. The blog and my idea could just result in one failure that few people will ever know about, but the problem is: I'll know about it. And if that were my only concern, well, I guess I could live with it. But I'm hesitant too because I'm sick of starting projects and then seeing them fizzle down to nothing. And I'm afraid that I might not have the endurance to follow this spark of an idea through to the end--especially if I don't have people who are backing me up. And right now, it doesn't look like I have many people backing me up. I'm appreciative of those who have given support (yes, you too, mom), but right now it's not encouraging. And I don't want to start something else I don't finish.
I haven't made any decisions. I really want to try this, just to see what happens. That's the impulsive part of me. But I'm afraid it will start in a glorious fire that will soon fizzle down to a dying ember. That's the hesitant side of me. So I'm going with another option.
Prayer. Lately, my prayer life has been good. It's amazing, first of all, that sinful people even have access to something as incredible as prayer. We get to talk to God. We get to talk to a holy, righteous, good God. We should not have that opportunity. It's amazing, second, that God has everything we need. He's the King of Kings. We can ask Him for what we need, and He will provide what we need. That doesn't mean that if I ask God for a football or even something more serious like a husband, I'm going to get it. What it does mean is that God will provide for me according to what I need and according to His purposes for me. And prayer is amazing also because God actually desires our prayer. He longs for us to come to Him with our needs. He longs to give us what we need. He delights in us. So I can pray fervently about this situation. I'm learning not to ask God so much for His guidance as I ask Him for trust in the midst of situations I don't understand. Sometimes I'm more eager to seek God's direction than I am to seek His face, and that's one of those sneakier forms of idolatry.
The other day, when praying, I had a really great moment. I prayed, "Lord, all you really want from us is us. You just want us. And the remarkable thing about that is that we're not really giving anything up, because You're giving us Yourself. And just between You and me, God, I really think we're getting the much better end of that deal."
And we are.
There's no reason to worry. Some things work themselves out. Waiting and trusting are hard sometimes, but I think that's the only way an impulsively hesitant person like me can figure out obedience.
Showing posts with label balance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label balance. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tasty Excuses
I once said that I would never be able to fit in any clothes smaller than a size ten because of my extra-large birthing hips. I now must face the reality that half my readers have probably stopped reading because I used the phrase "birthing hips" in the first sentence of this post. If you're still reading, then I am happy to report that I am now a size six in pants and a size four in dresses.
I once said that I would never be a runner. I'm still not anything amazing, but I've come a long way from the girl who used to get completely wiped out after running just half a mile. I am hoping to do a 10K in the fall, and then I might look into doing a half marathon in the spring. We'll see what happens...
Anyway, I've been eating a lot of my words lately, and well, they actually taste pretty good. The trouble is, the excuses I made that kept me from attempting the things I've accomplished lately also tasted pretty good when I was saying them. "I'll never be truly skinny, so I guess it's okay to just keep eating whatever I want whenever I want." "I'll never really be thin, so I'll just exercise occasionally. And if my body feels like running, I'll just stick with walking anyway, because I can't keep up the running very long." "I've got too much going on in my life to make time for exercise." "It's too expensive to eat healthy foods when a box of mac and cheese is so cheap and will last me two or three meals."
These things tasted really good while I was saying them. They gave me all the reasons I needed to keep being fat, to keep being lazy, to keep being unhealthy. And maybe some of them were true for a while. I remember the first time I tried to start the diet and exercise routine in February of 2009, my grandmother died, and I wasn't able to deal with grief and all the other stuff in my life. Diet and exercise was too much to add to all that was going on at that particular moment in my life. That set me back a year...but it didn't set me back forever.
So I guess sometimes there are valid excuses, but I don't think they can be allowed to sustain you for very long. Excuses are like food that's bad for you. They taste good, but they aren't good for you. They make you fat and comfortable while not really nourishing you. And over the past year and a half, I've had to exchange all the tasty dessert words for other words. Instead of saying, "Oh, there's no reason for me to do this because I'll never succeed," I've had to say, "I'm going to give this a try and see what happens." Those words aren't as comfortable. They aren't ice cream words. They are carrot stick words. Carrot sticks still taste good (to me anyway), but they aren't as comfortable and easy as a bowl of ice cream.
But carrot sticks are good for you. And doing something uncomfortable is good for you. And it's easy to get proud of myself for accomplishing this amazing feat of losing 50+ pounds (60 is right around the corner!), especially when I discovered yesterday that I can totally rock a super cute size four dress. But the truth is, there are a lot of areas in my life where I'm still eating too much ice cream.
The prayer and Bible reading has gotten way off track lately. It's easy and comfortable to sit under the banquet table God's prepared and wait for Him to throw scraps of grace to me, but He's invited me to sit at the table and dine with Him--if only I wouldn't be too lazy to get up off the floor.
The writing. Oh, yes, the writing. It's like I've taken some kind of extended vacation from that. Have I been busy? Yes. Last week was not an excuse--it was a reality. I had other things to do besides writing, and they were vitally important. But right now? I'm housesitting. I'm in a big house with a cat and it's really quiet. It's like a retreat where I have time and space to write (when I don't have to go to work--sigh). Am I writing? No. I'm watching cable tv and living it up. It's easy to help myself to that big bowl of ice cream excuse that says, "I don't have cable at my apartment. I don't usually watch tv like this. When am I going to have another opportunity to watch such exciting and important programming as 'I Kid with Brad Garret'?" Yeah. The ice cream is tasty and comfortable, but not at all nourishing. And I need some carrot sticks in my writing life for sure. Maybe even a salmon filet.
This isn't to say that ice cream is necessarily bad. I've lost weight and I still have something frivolous to eat almost every day (life without chocolate is almost not worth living). Sometimes we need to excuse ourselves from work, from drama, from the daily grind of life. It's just that we need to keep those excuses in balance--and I've said it before and will say it again--I'm horrible at balancing. We can't live off ice cream and cake. Those things have to be integrated meagerly into a steady diet of protein and vegetables and real solid food.
I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm hoping to eat some of my words again. All I can do is keep giving life a good try. There will be failures and false starts, but as long as I keep choosing to risk instead of choosing what's safe and comfortable, I don't think I can truly be called a failure.
But no matter what else happens, I can still totally rock that super cute size four dress.
I once said that I would never be a runner. I'm still not anything amazing, but I've come a long way from the girl who used to get completely wiped out after running just half a mile. I am hoping to do a 10K in the fall, and then I might look into doing a half marathon in the spring. We'll see what happens...
Anyway, I've been eating a lot of my words lately, and well, they actually taste pretty good. The trouble is, the excuses I made that kept me from attempting the things I've accomplished lately also tasted pretty good when I was saying them. "I'll never be truly skinny, so I guess it's okay to just keep eating whatever I want whenever I want." "I'll never really be thin, so I'll just exercise occasionally. And if my body feels like running, I'll just stick with walking anyway, because I can't keep up the running very long." "I've got too much going on in my life to make time for exercise." "It's too expensive to eat healthy foods when a box of mac and cheese is so cheap and will last me two or three meals."
These things tasted really good while I was saying them. They gave me all the reasons I needed to keep being fat, to keep being lazy, to keep being unhealthy. And maybe some of them were true for a while. I remember the first time I tried to start the diet and exercise routine in February of 2009, my grandmother died, and I wasn't able to deal with grief and all the other stuff in my life. Diet and exercise was too much to add to all that was going on at that particular moment in my life. That set me back a year...but it didn't set me back forever.
So I guess sometimes there are valid excuses, but I don't think they can be allowed to sustain you for very long. Excuses are like food that's bad for you. They taste good, but they aren't good for you. They make you fat and comfortable while not really nourishing you. And over the past year and a half, I've had to exchange all the tasty dessert words for other words. Instead of saying, "Oh, there's no reason for me to do this because I'll never succeed," I've had to say, "I'm going to give this a try and see what happens." Those words aren't as comfortable. They aren't ice cream words. They are carrot stick words. Carrot sticks still taste good (to me anyway), but they aren't as comfortable and easy as a bowl of ice cream.
But carrot sticks are good for you. And doing something uncomfortable is good for you. And it's easy to get proud of myself for accomplishing this amazing feat of losing 50+ pounds (60 is right around the corner!), especially when I discovered yesterday that I can totally rock a super cute size four dress. But the truth is, there are a lot of areas in my life where I'm still eating too much ice cream.
The prayer and Bible reading has gotten way off track lately. It's easy and comfortable to sit under the banquet table God's prepared and wait for Him to throw scraps of grace to me, but He's invited me to sit at the table and dine with Him--if only I wouldn't be too lazy to get up off the floor.
The writing. Oh, yes, the writing. It's like I've taken some kind of extended vacation from that. Have I been busy? Yes. Last week was not an excuse--it was a reality. I had other things to do besides writing, and they were vitally important. But right now? I'm housesitting. I'm in a big house with a cat and it's really quiet. It's like a retreat where I have time and space to write (when I don't have to go to work--sigh). Am I writing? No. I'm watching cable tv and living it up. It's easy to help myself to that big bowl of ice cream excuse that says, "I don't have cable at my apartment. I don't usually watch tv like this. When am I going to have another opportunity to watch such exciting and important programming as 'I Kid with Brad Garret'?" Yeah. The ice cream is tasty and comfortable, but not at all nourishing. And I need some carrot sticks in my writing life for sure. Maybe even a salmon filet.
This isn't to say that ice cream is necessarily bad. I've lost weight and I still have something frivolous to eat almost every day (life without chocolate is almost not worth living). Sometimes we need to excuse ourselves from work, from drama, from the daily grind of life. It's just that we need to keep those excuses in balance--and I've said it before and will say it again--I'm horrible at balancing. We can't live off ice cream and cake. Those things have to be integrated meagerly into a steady diet of protein and vegetables and real solid food.
I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm hoping to eat some of my words again. All I can do is keep giving life a good try. There will be failures and false starts, but as long as I keep choosing to risk instead of choosing what's safe and comfortable, I don't think I can truly be called a failure.
But no matter what else happens, I can still totally rock that super cute size four dress.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Fun with Planning
Summer has officially begun. The calendar is finally agreeing with the weather--it's felt like summer for WEEKS. It also feels more like summer because the family I nanny for has come back from vacation, and I've begun my full days with them. During the school year, I just watch them two-three afternoons a week. In the summer, I have them two-three days a week--all day long.
It's hard to keep three girls occupied all day long. I know this because I've spent two previous summers telling them to turn off the tv and getting three blank stares. These blank stares seem to communicate "No tv? Seriously? What else is there to do in life?"
Last summer wasn't as bad as the first. The first summer was blah because we didn't do much of anything. Last summer, I remember we went on several "outings" to parks and bowling alleys and free kids' movies--and of course to the pool. I'm hoping we get to do some of those things this summer, too. But I don't want this summer to be made up of outings and television.
So I'm going to do something that's really kind of hard for me. I'm going to attempt to be a planner.
I've noticed recently that I'm the sort of person that's either all or nothing, black or white. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I'm not good at balancing. The reason I've done so well at this weight loss stuff is because I've been a Nazi about it. I can't do the whole moderation thing...which scares me because I'm getting close to the weight I want to be and am eventually going to have to attempt to maintain my weight instead of try to lose it. Something tells me that I'm going to have to learn moderation in that.
It's the same way with pretty much everything in my life. I have to be uber disciplined or not at all. There's no middle ground. And I've realized that if that's the way it is, I'm going to have to start being uber disciplined about the way I spend my summer days with the girls I watch. I've already made up a (somewhat flexible) schedule for days when we don't have "outings" planned. It involves lots of reading and educational workbook activities that are going to keep them from forgetting stuff they learned at school. It involves VERY LITTLE tv. I'm even going to make them write me stories every week and/or do book reports. I'm also going to make them exercise.
They're going to hate me.
...but maybe I am learning balance, just a little...
Because I'm planning lots of fun (non-tv-related) stuff, too. I'm hoping to do some fun crafts and snacks and maybe even some science experiments with the girls. Today, we made root beer floats to celebrate the first full day of summer. I'm hoping to do root beer floats AGAIN, only I want to experiment with different ways of making the floats. For instance, today we made the floats with diet root beer and light ice cream--so the whole float was only about 90 calories. BUT it had artificial sweeteners in the root beer, and I'm trying to cut those out of my diet as much as possible. So I want to figure out a way to make a tasty and low cal root beer float without using artificial sweeteners. I can get sassafras tea concentrate. I can get seltzer. I can get Stevia. I don't know if the girls will like it, but part of what I want to do with this summer is expand their culinary horizons...and if you knew the 12 year old I watch, you'd know that I've got some challenges ahead of me.
Root beer floats are just the beginning. I want to make berry parfaits with them. I want to make smoothies with them (they don't like fruit and veggies, so I'm always trying to sneak them in). I want to make guacamole with them. I want to make California Rolls with them. I want to make fruit kabobs (maybe even with chocolate and marshmallows, if they're lucky) with them. I want to make homemade ice cream and popsicles with them. I want to have a pizza day where we make a healthy fruit pizza, a healthy veggie pizza, and a totally UNhealthy cookie pizza (it's okay sometimes--Cookie Monster told me that a cookie is a sometimes food).
I also want to make picture frame word collages and decorate tote bags and get them to do creative things like design their own fashion magazine covers. I want to do indoor scavenger hunts and make peanut butter playdough. I'm pretty sure that if I searched online, I'd find a lot of other things that all three girls would love to do.
And all of the sudden, I'm not looking at this summer thinking, "Oh, snot. What am I going to do with these girls ALL summer???" I'm looking at this summer thinking, "Oh, sweet! I've got all summer to do a lot of fun things with these fantastic girls!"
So I'm not normally a planner, but I'm thinking that a little planning is going to go a long way this summer. I know I'm going to have to be a little flexible in my plans, and that's going to be hard (moderation isn't my forte, remember?). I also think it's going to be okay. Because there's going to be unpredictable stuff like random trips to the library because the six year old forgot she needed to return her books (and if we go to return books, we're going to be there at least a good half hour while the girls look for more books--which is always cool with me). There's going to be times when outings and activities just happen outside of the schedule I'm wanting to keep. There's probably even going to be some projectile vomiting and/or extreme moping as far as the California Rolls are concerned (I can hear the 12 year old now--"You expect me to eat SEAWEED?!?!"--don't tell her they put seaweed in ice cream sometimes).
But you know, I think this summer is going to be good for me in a lot of ways. I need to learn balance, and I think this is really going to help me. Because honestly, I've tried the uber discipline thing with my writing, and it's just not happening in the midst of all the other things I'm trying to balance. I need to find a way for it to fit in with all the other stuff in my life.
I have a feeling that this autumn is going to bring a lot of good change to my life. Don't ask me why I feel that way, because I can't explain it. I just know that when I have a feeling like this, it's best not to ignore it. But I'm not in any hurry for autumn to come. Right now I'm going to enjoy my summer and all the wonderful things I've planned to do with three of my favorite young ladies.
I just hope at least one of them likes my guacamole....
It's hard to keep three girls occupied all day long. I know this because I've spent two previous summers telling them to turn off the tv and getting three blank stares. These blank stares seem to communicate "No tv? Seriously? What else is there to do in life?"
Last summer wasn't as bad as the first. The first summer was blah because we didn't do much of anything. Last summer, I remember we went on several "outings" to parks and bowling alleys and free kids' movies--and of course to the pool. I'm hoping we get to do some of those things this summer, too. But I don't want this summer to be made up of outings and television.
So I'm going to do something that's really kind of hard for me. I'm going to attempt to be a planner.
I've noticed recently that I'm the sort of person that's either all or nothing, black or white. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I'm not good at balancing. The reason I've done so well at this weight loss stuff is because I've been a Nazi about it. I can't do the whole moderation thing...which scares me because I'm getting close to the weight I want to be and am eventually going to have to attempt to maintain my weight instead of try to lose it. Something tells me that I'm going to have to learn moderation in that.
It's the same way with pretty much everything in my life. I have to be uber disciplined or not at all. There's no middle ground. And I've realized that if that's the way it is, I'm going to have to start being uber disciplined about the way I spend my summer days with the girls I watch. I've already made up a (somewhat flexible) schedule for days when we don't have "outings" planned. It involves lots of reading and educational workbook activities that are going to keep them from forgetting stuff they learned at school. It involves VERY LITTLE tv. I'm even going to make them write me stories every week and/or do book reports. I'm also going to make them exercise.
They're going to hate me.
...but maybe I am learning balance, just a little...
Because I'm planning lots of fun (non-tv-related) stuff, too. I'm hoping to do some fun crafts and snacks and maybe even some science experiments with the girls. Today, we made root beer floats to celebrate the first full day of summer. I'm hoping to do root beer floats AGAIN, only I want to experiment with different ways of making the floats. For instance, today we made the floats with diet root beer and light ice cream--so the whole float was only about 90 calories. BUT it had artificial sweeteners in the root beer, and I'm trying to cut those out of my diet as much as possible. So I want to figure out a way to make a tasty and low cal root beer float without using artificial sweeteners. I can get sassafras tea concentrate. I can get seltzer. I can get Stevia. I don't know if the girls will like it, but part of what I want to do with this summer is expand their culinary horizons...and if you knew the 12 year old I watch, you'd know that I've got some challenges ahead of me.
Root beer floats are just the beginning. I want to make berry parfaits with them. I want to make smoothies with them (they don't like fruit and veggies, so I'm always trying to sneak them in). I want to make guacamole with them. I want to make California Rolls with them. I want to make fruit kabobs (maybe even with chocolate and marshmallows, if they're lucky) with them. I want to make homemade ice cream and popsicles with them. I want to have a pizza day where we make a healthy fruit pizza, a healthy veggie pizza, and a totally UNhealthy cookie pizza (it's okay sometimes--Cookie Monster told me that a cookie is a sometimes food).
I also want to make picture frame word collages and decorate tote bags and get them to do creative things like design their own fashion magazine covers. I want to do indoor scavenger hunts and make peanut butter playdough. I'm pretty sure that if I searched online, I'd find a lot of other things that all three girls would love to do.
And all of the sudden, I'm not looking at this summer thinking, "Oh, snot. What am I going to do with these girls ALL summer???" I'm looking at this summer thinking, "Oh, sweet! I've got all summer to do a lot of fun things with these fantastic girls!"
So I'm not normally a planner, but I'm thinking that a little planning is going to go a long way this summer. I know I'm going to have to be a little flexible in my plans, and that's going to be hard (moderation isn't my forte, remember?). I also think it's going to be okay. Because there's going to be unpredictable stuff like random trips to the library because the six year old forgot she needed to return her books (and if we go to return books, we're going to be there at least a good half hour while the girls look for more books--which is always cool with me). There's going to be times when outings and activities just happen outside of the schedule I'm wanting to keep. There's probably even going to be some projectile vomiting and/or extreme moping as far as the California Rolls are concerned (I can hear the 12 year old now--"You expect me to eat SEAWEED?!?!"--don't tell her they put seaweed in ice cream sometimes).
But you know, I think this summer is going to be good for me in a lot of ways. I need to learn balance, and I think this is really going to help me. Because honestly, I've tried the uber discipline thing with my writing, and it's just not happening in the midst of all the other things I'm trying to balance. I need to find a way for it to fit in with all the other stuff in my life.
I have a feeling that this autumn is going to bring a lot of good change to my life. Don't ask me why I feel that way, because I can't explain it. I just know that when I have a feeling like this, it's best not to ignore it. But I'm not in any hurry for autumn to come. Right now I'm going to enjoy my summer and all the wonderful things I've planned to do with three of my favorite young ladies.
I just hope at least one of them likes my guacamole....
Sunday, April 24, 2011
SEW Sunday: Balance
Happy Easter, readers! I just ate a pink marshmallow chicky Peep, but that's neither here nor there.
This has been an interesting week, to say the least. It started out with me heading for church last Sunday, only to find that there were power lines lying on the road in front of my church. I pulled into the nearly empty parking lot and discovered that there was no church because the power was out. The bad storms/tornado caused a lot more damage than I had realized. I still didn't realize it, because I immediately went home from not going to church and figured I should use that free time to go running. I ran six miles. That's my record...so far.
The next day, I realized that a lot of people had experienced a lot of damage from the storms. Many people didn't have anywhere to stay; many more needed some extensive work done on their homes. My church was set up as a station to help out a lot of the people in the community. I had an opportunity to go help out. In fact, I had a whole day off Tuesday.
The thing is, I had already planned on working on my writing on Tuesday. I had been planning on it for WEEKS. It needed to be done...and badly. I guess it makes me selfish, because I am selfish, but I prayerfully decided to stick with my plans to work on my writing...instead of going to help out my community. I didn't even get out of my pajamas that day.
I reread my first novel on Tuesday. All of it. I have to say, in the past week, I've read three really good books. Two of them were part of the Hunger Games trilogy. The other one...surprisingly...was my own. That first book, which was such a catastrophe when I first penned it, had been edited and edited and edited until I was sick of it. But after putting it aside for several months and going back to it, I had a fresh perspective. I was viewing it as a reader and not as a writer/editor. And I found that I couldn't put my own book down...because, at the risk of sounding vain, it was really good.
That's not to say I didn't edit a little here or there while reading it, but all in all, I'm almost there. I'm almost ready to try selling this book again. It's because I'm confident that what I have is something worth selling, something worth reading. I have a renewed focus and energy to actually try to get all the other stuff done so I can send out some queries.
And, yes, I think that was a day off well-spent.
But I have to admit I'm feeling guilty; whether that guilt is justified or not, it's there. I know that I could have gone to my church to help out instead of spending that time on my own projects. I don't know how useful I would have been, but I figure in a disastrous situation, almost any willing person can find some small way to help.
The other books I read this week, the Hunger Games books, are very sad, very intense...even disturbing at times. But they're really good and make you think. The main character had all sorts of ridiculous trials that I've never had to face or even imagine. And it's easy to say, "Well, that's just a book," but then my mind turns to the real-life atrocities. There are children dying of starvation all over this world--even here in America. Even worse than that, in my opinion, are the markets which sell children into prostitution. There's war. There's hunger. There's need.
And I sit in my pajamas and write. Usually with a big warm cup of tea.
Sometimes I feel like what I am doing is such a waste compared to what I could be doing.
Art isn't practical. I think every artist who strives to serve the Lord probably goes through something similar to what I'm talking about right now. Why create paintings or stories or poems or songs when there are so many physical needs that need to be met?
I, personally, can honestly say that I know the Lord was pursuing me at a very young age. I don't even remember the exact time I became a Christian because it's just always seemed that the Lord was with me, guiding me, calling me to Himself. And it's easy to fall into this trap of believing that God pursued me that strongly because there's something big I'm meant to do with my life, something important.
Or maybe...maybe...God just wants me because He loves me. And maybe that's better than being important.
And maybe all I have to do is what I have in my hands to do at the time. I get all riled up and start thinking I can somehow change the world if I work harder, act better, do more more more. But all the good, hard work in the world is not going to change the fact that I'm a weak fool in need of a Savior.
Do I need to show mercy to others and share that Savior with them? Yes.
Does that mean that I'm being neglectful of the needs of others if I'm working on something else the Lord has given me to do? Maybe. In some circumstances, yes. But, in this case, I don't think so. The guilt I feel is not of God.
Because the Lord is creative, and He has breathed that spark of creativity into me. He has given me dreams and visions, stories and songs. I'm not a writer because I choose to be. I'm a writer because that's how God has made me. And the time was given to me to work on something He had given me to do. So I did it. And now I'm just a little bit closer to achieving the goal of being a published writer. I don't regret it.
I have to say, though. This week, especially today, has really made me think about balance. Oh, I'm so wretchedly bad at balance. I could go on an on about how much I have to work, how little time I have, blah blah blah. It's an excuse, and not even a very good one. Everyone is busy. The thing is, I've got 24 hours every single day with which to use. True, some of those hours belong to my bosses, but I've still got a lot of time that's mine. The trick is figuring out how much of that time I'm going to devote to helping others, how much time I'm going to devote to my writing, how much time of that I'm going to use to rest (because rest is important, too...God said so).
Prayers are appreciated as I continue to try to figure this balancing act out. I'm greatly encouraged that the Lord is working, both in the lives in this community and in my personal writing life. Aslan is definitely on the move.
And by the way...
The Stone Table has cracked. The Lion roars.
Christ is risen!
This has been an interesting week, to say the least. It started out with me heading for church last Sunday, only to find that there were power lines lying on the road in front of my church. I pulled into the nearly empty parking lot and discovered that there was no church because the power was out. The bad storms/tornado caused a lot more damage than I had realized. I still didn't realize it, because I immediately went home from not going to church and figured I should use that free time to go running. I ran six miles. That's my record...so far.
The next day, I realized that a lot of people had experienced a lot of damage from the storms. Many people didn't have anywhere to stay; many more needed some extensive work done on their homes. My church was set up as a station to help out a lot of the people in the community. I had an opportunity to go help out. In fact, I had a whole day off Tuesday.
The thing is, I had already planned on working on my writing on Tuesday. I had been planning on it for WEEKS. It needed to be done...and badly. I guess it makes me selfish, because I am selfish, but I prayerfully decided to stick with my plans to work on my writing...instead of going to help out my community. I didn't even get out of my pajamas that day.
I reread my first novel on Tuesday. All of it. I have to say, in the past week, I've read three really good books. Two of them were part of the Hunger Games trilogy. The other one...surprisingly...was my own. That first book, which was such a catastrophe when I first penned it, had been edited and edited and edited until I was sick of it. But after putting it aside for several months and going back to it, I had a fresh perspective. I was viewing it as a reader and not as a writer/editor. And I found that I couldn't put my own book down...because, at the risk of sounding vain, it was really good.
That's not to say I didn't edit a little here or there while reading it, but all in all, I'm almost there. I'm almost ready to try selling this book again. It's because I'm confident that what I have is something worth selling, something worth reading. I have a renewed focus and energy to actually try to get all the other stuff done so I can send out some queries.
And, yes, I think that was a day off well-spent.
But I have to admit I'm feeling guilty; whether that guilt is justified or not, it's there. I know that I could have gone to my church to help out instead of spending that time on my own projects. I don't know how useful I would have been, but I figure in a disastrous situation, almost any willing person can find some small way to help.
The other books I read this week, the Hunger Games books, are very sad, very intense...even disturbing at times. But they're really good and make you think. The main character had all sorts of ridiculous trials that I've never had to face or even imagine. And it's easy to say, "Well, that's just a book," but then my mind turns to the real-life atrocities. There are children dying of starvation all over this world--even here in America. Even worse than that, in my opinion, are the markets which sell children into prostitution. There's war. There's hunger. There's need.
And I sit in my pajamas and write. Usually with a big warm cup of tea.
Sometimes I feel like what I am doing is such a waste compared to what I could be doing.
Art isn't practical. I think every artist who strives to serve the Lord probably goes through something similar to what I'm talking about right now. Why create paintings or stories or poems or songs when there are so many physical needs that need to be met?
I, personally, can honestly say that I know the Lord was pursuing me at a very young age. I don't even remember the exact time I became a Christian because it's just always seemed that the Lord was with me, guiding me, calling me to Himself. And it's easy to fall into this trap of believing that God pursued me that strongly because there's something big I'm meant to do with my life, something important.
Or maybe...maybe...God just wants me because He loves me. And maybe that's better than being important.
And maybe all I have to do is what I have in my hands to do at the time. I get all riled up and start thinking I can somehow change the world if I work harder, act better, do more more more. But all the good, hard work in the world is not going to change the fact that I'm a weak fool in need of a Savior.
Do I need to show mercy to others and share that Savior with them? Yes.
Does that mean that I'm being neglectful of the needs of others if I'm working on something else the Lord has given me to do? Maybe. In some circumstances, yes. But, in this case, I don't think so. The guilt I feel is not of God.
Because the Lord is creative, and He has breathed that spark of creativity into me. He has given me dreams and visions, stories and songs. I'm not a writer because I choose to be. I'm a writer because that's how God has made me. And the time was given to me to work on something He had given me to do. So I did it. And now I'm just a little bit closer to achieving the goal of being a published writer. I don't regret it.
I have to say, though. This week, especially today, has really made me think about balance. Oh, I'm so wretchedly bad at balance. I could go on an on about how much I have to work, how little time I have, blah blah blah. It's an excuse, and not even a very good one. Everyone is busy. The thing is, I've got 24 hours every single day with which to use. True, some of those hours belong to my bosses, but I've still got a lot of time that's mine. The trick is figuring out how much of that time I'm going to devote to helping others, how much time I'm going to devote to my writing, how much time of that I'm going to use to rest (because rest is important, too...God said so).
Prayers are appreciated as I continue to try to figure this balancing act out. I'm greatly encouraged that the Lord is working, both in the lives in this community and in my personal writing life. Aslan is definitely on the move.
And by the way...
The Stone Table has cracked. The Lion roars.
Christ is risen!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)