How much is enough? Is there even such a thing? How does one tell the difference between being satisfied and being complacent? Is there even a difference?
Lately, all I've really wanted to do is just sit around, watch tv, and knit. I need to work on some knitting projects right now, but I still feel lazy. I put forth a pathetic attempt to look over some of my writing stuff, but really, I just don't even feel like I can do anything with that right now. I thought it was my minor seasonal depression or the weather change or something, but I think it's more than that.
The year is almost over. I really wanted to accomplish some things this year, and I feel like I haven't done any of them. And with all the craziness during this time of year, it's really kind of too late to get anything done this year. I have taken some steps towards getting some of my projects done, in fact, I had a pretty significant conversation/meeting regarding the new blog I hope to create (hopefully before the year is over). But it still feels like I'm talking instead of doing.
Part of me feels like a failure because I haven't accomplished some of my goals, and part of me feels like I shouldn't worry about it because the plans I've made aren't as important as I'd like to believe anyway. I mean, there's stuff I wanted to do this year that didn't quite get done. But there were things that happened this year that I could never have anticipated. I got involved in a sports ministry! What's THAT about? This time last year, I would have never believed that I'd have been able to run a 10K. And then there's this blogging project I'm working on, and I didn't even have an idea for it a few months ago. And I've made new friends and new connections at work that were completely unexpected. And I know God's been working through those connections to bring about His glory. And I figure my agenda isn't as important as His agenda.
Sometimes I get all involved in whatever I'm doing, and if things don't go the way I planned, I get upset. I don't stop to ask, "Does God have something planned through all of this that I didn't expect?" Sometimes things don't go our way or bad things happen, and those times become opportunities for us to trust God and love others. If I'm too involved in my own agenda to look for those opportunities, I can miss something amazing. So maybe I do need to get over myself a little and not worry so much about whether or not what I hoped to accomplish gets accomplished. I need to be satisfied with what God has for me instead of worrying so much about what I think I need to be doing.
But, that can't become an excuse to be lazy. Plans and goals are good things, and the only way to accomplish them is through hard work. I can't afford to just be complacent when there are things to do, people to encourage, hope to share. The visions the Lord has given me are not things I can just ignore. I have to put effort into them, and it seems that no amount of effort can be enough. And sometimes I get so discouraged by not being able to do everything that I just don't want to do anything. But that's not acceptable, either.
Right now, I've got some knitting to do, so that's what I'm going to do. I'm not putting off stuff as much as I'm just saying, "This is what I have to do right now." I'm still working on the projects I have, and I really do hope to have the new blog up soon (still brainstorming names for it!). I guess all I can say is, stay tuned. I still feel very hopeful about this season of life. I just think I'm going to set less concrete goals for 2012 and try to just see what God has planned through the little things I'm doing.