Shooting Myself in the Foot?

Just to be honest and reveal what a true jerk I am, I have to admit that I get a little irritated when a friend or acquaintance either talks about becoming successful in his/her writing pursuits, or when he/she actually becomes successful in his/her writing pursuits.  I'm not entirely sure why this is, except I realize that a lot of the fault is with me.  In my own mind, I've built myself up to be a pretty awesome writer.  I don't like it when friends try to hone in on something that I've deemed "mine."  Writing is my thing.  I don't want other people to be successful when I haven't managed to be successful. 

...whatever "success" means...

See, success is something that's tied pretty strongly to expectation.  Some of my writer friends have expectations of being published on a lower scale than I've wanted for my own writing.  They've drifted towards self-publishing or working with an independent publisher, and that's okay if that's what they want.  I've always wanted to go big-scale.  I've always wanted the best for my writing, even if I'm starting to think that my writing might not be "the best."  And I'm also starting to wonder if I'm shooting myself in the foot for thinking this way.

I don't think I'm going to be the next J. K. Rowling.  I don't think I'm going to be the next Suzanne Collins.  I certainly hope I don't become the next Stephenie Meyer (and I'm probably shooting myself in the foot for saying that on a blog, too.  I mean, I like her writing style, but her stories and characters lack depth.  She also needs to learn to edit).  When I was a little younger, I thought it would be great to be famous.  While the idea sometimes still appeals to me some, I really don't want that anymore.  I don't want fame for myself.  I want my characters' stories to be known, and I want to glorify God through writing these stories. 

But the thing is, I'm just not one of those people who makes things happen.  I think that's also part of the reason why I get irritated when people succeed in their writing pursuits.  I'm jealous of their abilities to do what it takes to achieve what they want.  I make excuses about not having enough time, but I know I'm not doing all I can to get published.  Some of it is laziness, but most of it is fear--fear of putting myself out there, fear of not knowing how to do things, fear of getting caught up in something that's going to prove more of a challenge than just doing nothing.

But everything requires more of a challenge than just doing nothing.  Just walking out the door every morning means I'm going to be confronted with an unpredictible world.  If I don't walk out the door, I'm much safer, but I'm also not living.  And if I don't take any steps towards getting published, then my writing and I will be safe, but my writing will never get published.

I don't know where I am right now.  I'm not ready to drop everything and just succomb to the self-publishing scene.  I still feel like I haven't given the traditional way a good try, yet.  At the same time, I really don't feel like I need to keep going that route.  Right now, I think the best thing for me to do is to focus on the website that is hopefully coming soon--still waiting on some things that aren't in my control.  I also plan on getting back into a regular writing routine, whatever that is.

I'm still hopeful about this year, but I'm not sure what that hope means for my writing.  I am trying to keep an open mind about many things, including writing.  I've got a feeling that a lot of what I'm aiming for is going to come to me in a way I could never expect or imagine.  I just have to keep waiting for it.