SEW Sunday: Still Learning

(SEW Sunday is when I rant about discuss what's going on with the queries I'm supposed to be SENDING, the manuscripts I'm supposed to be EDITING, and the stuff I'm currently WRITING...but it's usually just where I talk about what I should be doing and am not doing)

I was talking with a good friend last night about how I kind of dread SEW Sunday blogs.  Why?  Because most weeks I don't do anything worth speaking of, so by the time Sunday rolls around, I have nothing to actually report.  This week is no exception.

My completed and polished manuscript is in the hands of one of my fellow writer friends.  I'm still working on some songs and working up the courage to go record them.  I did read over a rough manuscript I wrote over a year ago--it doesn't need much editing--but it's a companion to another book that needs a LOT of editing before I can even think about trying to sell it.  So yeah.  In other words, I haven't been doing much.

And one of the things my friend and I talked about last night was that feeling that we should be doing more--more BIG things...more more more.  I understand what she was talking about, but I'm not sure it all relates the same way to my life.  Balance is incredibly hard for me.  I've always struggled with it. 

Right now, the big struggle in my life is figuring out how much of following God is grace/faith/trust and how much is action.  I am writing because it's something God's given me to do--I have a HUGE passion for it that pretty much consumes my sanity and everything else.  I can't not write.  And I want my writing to be something that honors God.  So when I'm not writing as much as I think I should be writing, it's easy to get myself into this guilt trap.  I start basing everything on how much work I'm doing for God.

That's not the right attitude to have.  I'm not doing anything for God.  God doesn't need me.  The world needs another novel like I need another crazy Dragon-Muse.  But God wants me to write, and there's value in that because HE'S doing something.  My frequent attitude is: "What am I doing for God?"  My attitude should be something more like: "What is God doing through me?" 

I keep going around in circles and keep coming back to the same conclusion that I'm just a weak fool whom God has chosen to shame the strong and the wise.  And His timing isn't my timing.  Could I be doing more?  Absolutely.  I should be doing more.  But I should be doing more because God's working in me, not because I'm vainly trying to work for God.

I put the cart before the horse and end up not getting anywhere.

So I'm still learning to balance.  It's a work in progress, and I'm a work in progress.  One thing I'm also learning is that the more work you put into something, the better it becomes.  So while I'm waiting and hopefully working (for the right reasons) on what God has given me to do, making it better...

...well, God's doing the same thing in me.  Oh, this process of perfection...so wonderful, so mysterious.

But yeah.  I hope I actually have something worth reporting next week.

SEW Sunday: Help

(SEW Sundays are where I rant about discuss what's going on with the queries I am SENDING to agents, my EDITING, and my WRITING.)


So my Boot Camp week went very well in some ways.  I stuck closer to my diet than I originally intended...and if I exercise tonight the way I plan, I'll have burned 2500 calories in exercise-related activities this week.  Sure, some crazy people burn that much in one workout, but 1) I don't have that much time, and 2) I'm a pansy.  I've not lost all the weight that I gained back, but I'm not particularly worried about it.  I'll get there.

And why am I talking about weight loss and exercise and calories when I'm supposed to be talking about queries and editing and writing?  Because I'm avoiding the truth that I've done like nothing in that area this week.  Nada. 

And I'm not particularly ashamed of myself.  This week, as most weeks do, turned out busier than I anticipated.  Sure, I wasted some of the free time I did have.  I'm still trying to kick a little of my apathy.  Or maybe it's not apathy so much as it's fear. 

One really good thing in my writing world did happen this week.  On Friday, I went out to lunch with a fellow novelist who is trying to sell her books.  (You can read her funny funny blog here...and be sure to subscribe to it, because you'll want to keep reading!).  She's a lot further than I am in the process, so it was helpful to get to chat with her and glean a little from her experiences.  I have a feeling I'm going to be asking her a lot of questions as I continue my own journey into the insanity of trying to get published.  She wants to read my first book, so I need to do another run-through/edit and make sure it's ready by Sunday.  That gives me a deadline.  Someone like me NEEDS deadlines sometimes.  ...okay...MOST of the time.  And hopefully she can help me with my synopsis, because I'm pretty much like a lost puppy when it comes to that thing. 

What I'm about to say might sound like another excuse and/or cop-out, and maybe it is another excuse and/or cop-out.  I am starting to realize that while, YES, I should be working towards my goals a lot harder than I am, maybe taking my time in this matter is not a bad thing.  I mean, my life's dream is to be a published writer (preferably a best-selling one...with a Newbery medal...but right now I'd settle for a foot in the door).  I can't afford to rush into things too much.  Yes, there's something to be said for taking chances and risks.  Sometimes that works out for some people, but I don't think it's the norm.  And honestly, it's not my style.

I think my book is good.  I also think the other two books I've completed are good (though I need to get my act together and start seriously editing them).  The writing and editing process was hard, and I didn't always know what I was doing, but eventually I learned.  And I'm still learning.  But now I have to learn how to make someone else interested enough in my books to want to try to help me sell them.  And that's the hardest step yet.  Even after all the research I've done, I don't really know what I"m doing.  I need help.  And right now, I feel as though the Lord is leading me to seek that help. 

Unfortunately, this means more waiting.  The thing is, while I'm waiting, I can't afford to keep being idle.  There is editing to be done on projects that aren't ready to be sold.  Even if I HATE my synopsis and need help with it, I can still work on it.  I can research agents. 

Turns out, writing is just like everything else in life.  I've got to learn to balance faith and deeds.  I know I'm not the one in control.  I'm not the one directing my own steps.  And I don't always know exactly what step is coming next.  I like to know what step to take next.  If I had my way, the entire course of this would be plotted out for me so that I could see what I need to do and right when I need to do it.  God knows this. 

God doesn't give me what I want.  He does, however, give me everything that I need.  So I can't see what's going to happen or when it's going to happen.  Sometimes He waits till the last minute to show me what to do, and sometimes He doesn't show me what action I'm supposed to take at all--and I just have to walk in faith and trust that He's not going to lead me astray.  And right now, as always, I know the basic things I should be doing.  In life, it's reading His word, following His commands, seeking His face, showing love to others.  Even when we don't know what we're supposed to do in the grand scheme of life, we know the little things we should be doing from day to day.  In writing, I know I should be working on different things, even if I don't know all the little details of what I need to do next. 

So I guess that my prayer for this week is that I'll JUST DO SOMETHING and trust the Lord while I'm doing it.  And if life gets in the way (as it often does), I won't allow myself to feel bad about those things.  Because while I'm working waiting for this writing stuff to happen, there's a lot of life to live. 

Faith

I've been reading Hebrews for the past couple of days.  I came across "The Faith Chapter" (Hebrews 11) today.  I've read this passage several times before, but I noticed something today that I'd never really paid attention to until now.  It was convicting.

I've been so apathetic for the past few weeks.  Maybe it's because I've been SO busy that I've just needed rest, but when I've had free time (and I've had a lot more than usual lately), I've not used it wisely.  I've done completely unproductive activities...if you can even call them "activities."  Part of me is just waiting for a time when I'll get bored of it and snap out of it, and part of me is scared I won't get bored of it and won't snap out of it. 

In the past, I've been motivated because of my dreams and plans for my future.  Right now, that's not even working.  I would like to be a published author, but at the moment I'm doing nothing to get to that point.  And I don't even seem to care about it.  The end result doesn't seem worth any effort to me right now.  And that's not okay.  Laziness is not okay.  I'm wondering if I'm acting this way because I don't want to put forth the effort for something I think is going to fail.

How many times to I need to remind myself that God has given me these stories to write?  How many times do I need to remind myself that I don't have to do a thing besides be faithful with what He's given me?  But the thing is, I'm not faithful.  Not like those people in Hebrews 11.

Do you know what I noticed about all of those Biblical characters listed in Hebrews 11?  They all DID something.  They all ACTED on their faith.  Some of them had some pretty big things to do.  Some of these things didn't make a whole lot of sense by human understanding.  I'd list them, but they're already listed in Scripture.  The people in Hebrews 11 didn't just believe, they put action to their faith...and God did remarkable things through them.  They understood that "faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen."  When you have faith, you are expectant. 

I've not been very expectant lately.

So the question I ask myself now is, "Do I believe God enough to act out my faith--even and perhaps especially when the things I've been given to do don't make a lot of sense?"

I still get the skepticism (even though I get way more encouragement--thank you to all my wonderful friends and family) about my desire to write/sell books.  It's not a practical thing to do.  Unless I luck out like Stephenie Meyer, I'm not going to be able to make a decent living even if I DO manage to sell my books.  And maybe all these little voices, all the skeptics, are convincing me that I shouldn't even try.  Or that it's not worth the effort. 

When am I going to learn that all things are possible with God?  When am I going to believe that He is good, able, and loving--that He's got plans for me that are so beyond what I can ask or imagine?  If I believe Him, I'm going to act on those beliefs.  I'm going to try without fearing failure--because He's in control whether I fail or succeed. 

Everything that comes my way is filtered by grace. 

If only I had the faith to believe that day after day...

Maybe I'm getting there.  I know I'm closer than I've been before.  Why?  Because God is faithful whether I am or not.

Fiction Friday: Hungry for More

I was going to blog about it.

Then I wasn't.

Then I was going to.

Then...I wasn't.

Then I was possibly going to blog about it, but I wasn't sure.

Then I wasn't going to blog about it.

Then I was running the other day and just kept thinking about this book series.  And I realized that I was thinking about this book series...again.  And I realized that I probably should blog about it.

You probably knew this was coming.

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins (and the two sequels Catching Fire and Mockingjay) have pretty much consumed (any puns are unintentional...maybe) me for the past couple months or so.  I had heard of the series, but I wasn't that interested until the 12 year old girl I watch recommended the first one.  So I checked it out from the library...

...and wow.  Wow. 

I don't know how to do any fancy schmancy book reviews without giving spoilers.  So the basics.  It's a YA sci fi / dystopian (kind of the opposite of Utopian) series told in present tense from the perspective of a sixteen-year-old (when the series starts) girl named Katniss Everdeen.  Protecting her younger sister, she becomes a "tribute" in something known as the Hunger Games, in which 24 teenagers are forced to fight to the death for the amusement of "The Capital."  That's how it starts, and it gets WAY more complicated from there...if you can imagine anything more complicated than that.

When I was sixteen years old, my biggest concern was probably about not having a date to the homecoming dance...again.

But Katniss had already had a VERY hard life, and Suzanne Collins told Katniss' story in a believable and extremely entertaining, thought-provoking way.  She is a writer who knows how to keep a reader turning pages late into the night, just to see what happens next.  And Collins definitely kept me guessing (especially in the second book, Catching Fire).  She also handled the romantic scenes just as well as she handled the action scenes--and these books are FULL of both! 

What I really like about this series is the way it makes me think.  Even though it's been a couple of weeks since I finished the series and turned the books back into the library, I'm still thinking about the story.  I know I could not have made the choices that Katniss had to make--not as a sixteen-year-old and not as a thirty-one-year-old.  I know that the reason she had to make these choices was because she lived in a very corrupt, politically charged world.  And I know that the world I live in is capable of the same kind of evil.  In the light of a lot of current events, I'm thinking even more that we're not too far from the world of Katniss Everdeen.  And that keeps me up at night...thinking.

I did have a few problems with the series, mainly with the last book, Mockingjay.  Most of the problems I had were just that I didn't like certain things that happened, and well, Collins is the writer so I can't argue with her about how her story should go (I'm big on the author being right about his/her own story...probably because I write books, too).  I do think that she might have been rushed into getting the last book done.  Certain things just seemed slapped together, and I think they could have been handled slightly better if she had taken her time.  Editing is a crucial part of writing, and I don't think as much editing of the actual story went into the last book.  Probably because she had a deadline...so maybe it wasn't entirely her fault.

Apart from that, I really think that the last book was far too heavy to be a YA novel.  The fact that the 12-year-old I watch had read it before I did makes me really nervous.  I think a lot of the details went over her head, so that gives me some peace.  But I know this book REALLY messed with my head.  There was a lot of psychological issues involved that, quite honestly, kind of bothered me.  I am not saying they had no place in the story, but I think they should have been toned down some for a book that is marketed towards teenagers.  If I, as an adult (okay, so I know it's a stretch, but still), was disturbed by some of the content of this book, it would probably be even more disturbing to a teenage audience.  I will also point out, though, that while these books had some disturbing, gory imagery, they were pretty much free of sex and foul language...so again, kudos to Collins.

All in all, the last page of the last chapter of Mockingjay DID make me cry (happy tears).  I was happy with the overall outcome.  The epilogue seemed to be slapped together (again, I think she needed a little more time to develop it...maybe?), but it was decent and left me feeling good about parting with the characters and story.

The first two books were definitely better than the last one, but Mockingjay was perhaps a necessary conclusion to a story that just couldn't have a completely happy ending.  I like fairy tales and happy endings, but there is also something to be said for realistic stories that make you think about evil in the world.  And this was one of those. 

If you are looking for a good read, I definitely recommend The Hunger Games series.  A movie is supposed to come out sometime next year, so now would be a good time to read them.  Just make sure you have access to ALL three books before you start reading the first, because you will want them all.  I learned that the hard way.

Breaking the Break

I'm planning to end my break from writing on Monday. I have a day off, which will be my only day off for a while. I'll need to use that day to come up with a pretty decent game plan of how I'm going to handle my writing and editing and querying for the rest of 2010.

The really interesting thing is that on Tuesday, I start a new job. I'm going to be working with my church's preschool three days a week. That will mean I'll be working THREE jobs in the childcare field. I'm going to be doing this while also trying to balance writing/editing/querying into the mix. In other words, you might want to stick around and watch me over the next few months. I have a feeling my brain will soon explode and cause a fairly impressive display of some kind.

Yay! Fireworks! Ooh. Pretty.

The thing is, I'm not really sure if I've learned much from this writing break that I can put into words. I was able to read a few books and get some different perspective. I was able to really think about whether I wanted to just try to self-publish or continue to try to find a literary agent. But really, regarding querying, I still have little clue of what I need to do or how I need to do it.

I don't think taking a break was a bad idea. I needed to reevaluate some things. The thing is, though, writing is just like everything else. There isn't a step-by-step process of how to do it. It took me thirty years to realize that people who achieve what they want didn't start out knowing how to achieve it. Maybe the way to succeed when I don't know what I'm doing is to research as much as possible, then just do something and see what happens. If I make mistakes, I learn. If I do something right, I learn. The way someone else did it isn't necessarily the way it's going to work for me.

I decided to go through several of my old disorganized notebooks the other night. These notebooks contained some forgotten short stories and some truly wretched poetry...and also many, many prayers. I write down my prayers because I communicate and focus better when I'm writing. When I write, I think I might be more myself than when I'm not writing. It only makes sense that my most intimate communication with God should be written. Anyway, I came across some of my prayers from a couple of years ago--back when I'd just gotten done with my first draft of my first book. I prayed then that the Lord would do with my writing what He wanted to do with it IN HIS TIMING and IN HIS WAY. That book has gone through SEVERAL revisions. It's much shorter and much better than it was originally. It's changed and I've changed. God hasn't changed. I believe He's still working in these stories and working in me. I believe that IN HIS TIMING and IN HIS WAY He will honor my efforts to reveal my writing to the world.

It will most likely not be how I expect.

It will most likely be in a way I can't imagine.

It will most definitely only be possible with His help.

I'm not sure what the next few months will bring. I really hope the next few months do not involve my head exploding or bursting into stress-induced flames. I don't know if I'll find an agent or just learn a lot by trying.

But Monday is coming, and even though I'm not sure I'm ready, I'm going to face it head on. I don't know what will happen, but I know something will happen. I can be a passive writer no longer. The break is almost over.