I was talking with a good friend last night about how I kind of dread SEW Sunday blogs. Why? Because most weeks I don't do anything worth speaking of, so by the time Sunday rolls around, I have nothing to actually report. This week is no exception.
My completed and polished manuscript is in the hands of one of my fellow writer friends. I'm still working on some songs and working up the courage to go record them. I did read over a rough manuscript I wrote over a year ago--it doesn't need much editing--but it's a companion to another book that needs a LOT of editing before I can even think about trying to sell it. So yeah. In other words, I haven't been doing much.
And one of the things my friend and I talked about last night was that feeling that we should be doing more--more BIG things...more more more. I understand what she was talking about, but I'm not sure it all relates the same way to my life. Balance is incredibly hard for me. I've always struggled with it.
Right now, the big struggle in my life is figuring out how much of following God is grace/faith/trust and how much is action. I am writing because it's something God's given me to do--I have a HUGE passion for it that pretty much consumes my sanity and everything else. I can't not write. And I want my writing to be something that honors God. So when I'm not writing as much as I think I should be writing, it's easy to get myself into this guilt trap. I start basing everything on how much work I'm doing for God.
That's not the right attitude to have. I'm not doing anything for God. God doesn't need me. The world needs another novel like I need another crazy Dragon-Muse. But God wants me to write, and there's value in that because HE'S doing something. My frequent attitude is: "What am I doing for God?" My attitude should be something more like: "What is God doing through me?"
I keep going around in circles and keep coming back to the same conclusion that I'm just a weak fool whom God has chosen to shame the strong and the wise. And His timing isn't my timing. Could I be doing more? Absolutely. I should be doing more. But I should be doing more because God's working in me, not because I'm vainly trying to work for God.
I put the cart before the horse and end up not getting anywhere.
So I'm still learning to balance. It's a work in progress, and I'm a work in progress. One thing I'm also learning is that the more work you put into something, the better it becomes. So while I'm waiting and hopefully working (for the right reasons) on what God has given me to do, making it better...
...well, God's doing the same thing in me. Oh, this process of perfection...so wonderful, so mysterious.
But yeah. I hope I actually have something worth reporting next week.