Monday Blahg: Dreams and Dreamers

I've been called a dreamer for pretty much my entire life.  The ten year old I watch frequently shakes her head at me and says, "You're a dreamer, Ruth.  You're a dreamer."  It's a more than fair assessment of me.  When I was a little girl, I played make-believe like crazy.  When I was an older kid, I started writing stories (I wrote fan fic before fan fic was cool).  When I was a preteen, I was obsessed with Disney movies and Star Trek, wishing I could live like my favorite fictional characters. 

And when I was a teenager, I stared at the ceiling of my bedroom. 

That doesn't sound like a very exciting thing to stare at, but keep in mind that I am extremely nearsighted.  I got a bunch of those plastic glow-in-the-dark stars and stuck them all over the ceiling.  When I took my glasses off at night, the glowing stars looked all blurry.  In fact, to my myopic eyes, they looked like real stars.  That's the one good thing about being nearsighted--being able to "see" "real" stars over my head even when I'm indoors.  Only now my apartment has these 12 foot ceilings, and I never attempted to put stars on my current bedroom ceiling.  When I eventually move, I'll have to find a place with shorter ceilings....

Anyway, I had insomnia quite a bit as a teenager.  I spent many nights staring up at the "stars," praying that the Lord would just show me what He wanted me to do with my life.  I'd plead with God to reveal His great purpose for me.  I vowed I would do anything, but I just needed to know what it was.  This went on for years.

Part of the problem was that I had (and have) an older sister who was very determined, who knew more or less precisely what she wanted to do.  And she went out and did it.  I assumed that she had been struck by some "holy lightning bolt" from heaven that told her exactly what course her life was supposed to take.  So I was staring up at the "starry" ceiling, waiting for my "holy lightning bolt."  I prayed, pleaded, for God to send me that "holy lightning bolt" with all His plans for my life.

It never came.

And while my regrets are few (they exist, but they're few--because God was working through all of them even when I was messing up), I do wish that someone would have beat me upside the head when I was a teenager.  I wish someone would have come up to me, knocked me silly, and said what I'm about to say: 

"God usually doesn't send the "holy lightning bolt." 

I wasted years of my life wishing for something that wasn't going to come.  God wasn't going to just send me a live feed of all His plans for me.  God doesn't usually work that way.

That doesn't mean that God isn't revealing His will to us; in fact, He already has revealed His will.  I know I'm repeating myself, but I think it stands to be repeated.  God has revealed Himself and His will to us through Scripture.  We know the "little things" we're supposed to be doing.  If we're doing the "little things," like seeking Him, like loving our neighbor, like praying and studying the Bible...then He isn't going to leave us hanging in the "bigger things." 

For some people, perhaps even for most people, and definitely for me, God doesn't reveal His entire will or His entire calling.  He has given me gifts and interests, and the ability to use these gifts and interests to serve others.  He's called me to wait on Him for the "bigger things."  And slowly, He's been showing me what some of those "bigger things" are.  I'm not a big person, but I've got some big dreams.  I'm not a big person, but I serve a big God.  I believe my big God has given me some big dreams.

It's just that I've been a dreamer for so long, and I'm still realizing that dreams aren't any good just by themselves.  Disney was wrong; dreams don't come true just by wishing on a star (whether it's a real star or just a plastic glow-in-the-dark star).  Dreams only come true through a lot of hard work and personal investment.  My big dreams can't come true unless I'm willing to put some big effort into them.

And even then I'm still too small for my big dreams.

Peter Pan knew how to fly.  He needed a happy thought.  He needed faith and trust.  All those things were necessary for flight, but they alone couldn't make him fly.  He needed something outside of himself; he needed supernatural help. 

He needed pixie dust. 

And sometimes I try to just sprinkle some holy pixie dust on my dreams.  I pray over them.  I ask God to make them come true.  While it's great to ask for help, and I know I need it, I almost get into the "wishing on a star" trap all over again.  I don't like the phrase "God helps those who help themselves."  It's not in Scripture.  Benjamin Franklin wrote it.  So I'm not saying that we have to rely on ourselves to make our dreams come true.  What I am saying is that if something is worth dreaming, then it's worth working towards.  It's worth some hard work.

And lately I haven't been working that hard towards my dreams.

Part of it is discouragement.  Part of me doesn't believe these dreams can come true, so I don't want to put effort into a lost cause.

Part of it is laziness.  I don't feel like putting the effort into it because I still want to build my silly kingdoms instead of seeking God's Kingdom.

Part of it is busyness.  I really do have a lot of other things that occupy my time and energy, but if these dreams are of God, then they are worth making time and energy for.

Part of it is fear.  I don't know how to do what I'm doing, so I don't even try to figure it out.  I'm afraid that figuring it out will be hard.  And, as I mentioned, I'm lazy.  I don't like things to be hard.

But God didn't call me to do what's easy.  God didn't call me to be comfortable.  God called me to trust Him, to wait, and to work with all my might at whatever my hands find to do. 

So, here's how I'd like this week to look:

-- I want to get back on track with editing of second novel.

-- I want to take a look at my first novel and maybe start entertaining the idea of sending out some query letters to literary agents.

-- I want to run at least 10 miles for the week (weather permitting), including one 6 mile run (health permitting).

-- I want to continue with the weight loss success--I'm under130 pounds now, and my size six jeans are fitting better every day.  At least that's one goal that's going well....

-- I want to spend time with a friend whom I've been meaning to meet with.

-- I want to start reading other writers' fiction again.
-- I want to actually play my guitar for more than just a few minutes at a time.

-- I want to seek God not out of habit or out of some desire to meet a goal, but because I want to seek God.

And I really want to stop letting discouragement affect me so much.  That's probably where I could use the most prayer.

Monday Blahg: Blah, Indeed

This past week has been discouraging in many ways, and I don't handle discouragement very well.

-The writing/editing has practically been non-existent.

-I'm fairly sure that I'm not going to meet a deadline I made for myself regarding the website/blog I want to start soon.  And by the way, it has been brought to my attention that I need to clarify something about this website/blog.  It is NOT going to be a single's website. I've had several people refer to it as a single's website, and I'm not sure where that miscommunication occured.  I thought I had been pretty clear that if single people are the only people who visit, read, comment on, and can relate to the blog I'm hoping to start (dare I hope, next week?--if all the stars align), then I might as well just forget the whole thing.  I'm a single person, yes, and I'm writing from that perspective, but with the hopes that people with other perspectives will give them to me, to the other readers.  I want it to be a community, a place where many different people from different marital, etc. backgrounds can find common ground and unity.  I want it to be a place where we can encourage one another and find ways to minister to one another better, all with the single purpose of glorifying God.  I know it's going to be a rough start, getting others involved, and sometimes I get discouraged about that.  Sometimes I want to just drop the whole idea, but I know this vision is something God gave me.  I can't allow discouragement to keep me from trusting and obeying, and eventually seeing God's work come to life.

-I do owe on my taxes.  It's not nearly as much as last year, and it's managable, but it's still a discouraging amount.  It's even more discouraging because I was hoping to get a little something back this year.  And while I LOVE my jobs, I'm starting to realize that it's not financially responsible for me to keep doing things the way I've been doing them.  That saying, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"?  Yeah.  I can relate.  I'm going to start looking into getting something full time, which I don't want to do, but I can't keep working myself half to death and barely making it from paycheck to paycheck.  Plus, it's killing me to have work take out extra money on every paycheck, and I STILL end up having to pay out of pocket when tax time comes.  I'm not doing my taxes incorrectly; it's just that being single and having four jobs doesn't make for a happy tax season.  So hooray.  I love my work, but unfortunately that's not good enough anymore.  I just hope I don't end up working in a prison box padded cell cubicle.

-The running is going a little better.  I got back up to 4 miles, which is a far cry from the 13.1 I want to accomplish this year, but it's better than last week.  I could barely manage 2 miles last week, for whatever reason.  I need to kick it up a notch, soon.  I need to actually start training--not that I have a race date in mind yet, but I might as well be prepared for anything.

-The diet is going well, too.  Can't complain there.  I even get marshmallows  and chocolate from time to time. 

-God has been faithful this week to remind me of my weaknesses.  I've had a rough week.  I've been broken in several different ways.  And I figure that's kind of where He wanted me, where He wants me.  Sometimes we have to be broken before we can be healed.  It's not a happy place to be, but I know there's always mercy in the struggle.

Happy Monday!  I'm hoping this week is better than the last!